A Catalogue of Books Chiefly Relating to English and American History and Antiquities together with a Collection of Historical, Ecclesiastical, and Political Tracts, and also Bikes

Remember the "disembodied hand?"

Long a staple of race bike photography, the disembodied hand really came into its own during the fixie craze, when legions of overzealous fixie owners (in retrospect, was there any other kind of fixie owner?) sought a way to hold their bicycles upright for the obligatory Fixed Gear Gallery photo shoot.

Since then, Internet bicycle photography has evolved, and innovative bicycle owners continue to discover new ways to present bicycles in photographs without, you know, just leaning them on something.  Take, for example, this email I received from a reader:

This is how you do a backdrop for a bike sale

Yes, that's a disembodied pair of legs holding up a black shroud, and it's very disconcerting.

By the way, I have very clear memories of shopping for a new road bike in the '90s and going to a shop that sold Kleins, because in the '90s that's what you did--you shopped for Kleins in between grunge concerts and Tae Bo workouts.  To this day, whenever I see a Klein, I remember the salesperson who insisted I needed to choose one bicycle over another because it had a better bottom bracket.  Not a better frame, not better wheels, not even better shifters.  It wasn't even a different bottom bracket interface.  (Yes, some Kleins had press-fit bottom brackets in those days, and "Octalink" was probably becoming a thing, but none of the bicycles I was looking at had any of these features.)  No, the square taper bottom bracket cartridge itself was theoretically better than the square taper bottom bracket cartridge on a different bicycle, so I needed to base my decision entirely on that.

Obviously I laughed him off, and instead bought the bicycle with better inner tubes.

Here's another email from another reader with a similarly poignant subject line:

From Portland

You know, I often myself riding a cargo bike loaded entirely with bike crap, and it's always sobering to realize you're in a total feedback loop of self-serving bike-dorkery, like the snake eating its own tail:

Actually, "self-serving" isn't really accurate.  Using one bike to carry another isn't especially self-serving--unlike asking strangers to buy mountain bikes for you and your family, as forwarded by yet another reader:

HI, we are a family of 4 looking to get back in shape. I always loved mountain biking when younger. I am ready to take it back up and my wife and two children are wanting to as well. Hoping to purchase entry level Trek, Specialized or comparable bikes that are going to last from our local bike shop. We are hoping to raise enough to purchase the bikes and necessary accessories such as helmets. All donations welcome and very much appreciated. Help a family get in shape and spend some much needed quality time together. Thanks for viewing have a great day.

There was some idiot commenting on yesterday's post under the handle "MTBSnob."  Maybe he can buy these people some bikes, and then show them how to angle the brake levers.

Whatever they end up with, I only hope they have really good bottom brackets.

In other news, if you live in New York City, you might be interested in attending the following:

This Wednesday night, Vaccaro & White will host a SAFE BIKING IN NEW YORK FORUM. Details below.

HOW CAN BIKE RIDERS PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM ACCIDENTS

RIGHTS & ADVOCACY - A Forum with Steve Vaccaro & Adam White

5BBC           Social Meetup

DATE:          Wednesday, April 30, 2014

 TIME:            6:15 PM

LOCATION:   Westbeth Performance Center, Manhattan

Drivers know when they get into an accident they exchange insurance
information. But the growing number of bike riders don’t know what to
do if they are in an accident. What should bikers know to protect
themselves?

That question and other essential information for New York City bikers
will be provided at a forum on Safe Biking in New York on April 30,
6:15 p.m. at the Westbeth Performance Center, 55 Bethune Street,
Manhattan.

This actually sounds both useful and important, and I should totally go myself, even though I totally won't.  As it is, my basic understanding of my rights as a cyclist in New York City is as follows: people are allowed and indeed encouraged to run me over while I'm riding my bike, so I don't have any "rights" per se.  However, if I'm lucky enough not to die and the driver doesn't flee the scene there is a small chance I might be able to get some money out of it.

Also, when I talk to the driver's insurance company (assuming the driver even has insurance), their primary concern will be whether or not I was wearing a helment, even if absolutely nothing happened to my head.

If you end up attending the forum let me know if I've got it right.

Speaking of injury and pain, Team Sky says its riders don't use Tramadol for performance enhancement, which means they probably do:

Team Sky has reiterated its stance on the painkiller Tramadol following reported claims from former rider Michael Barry that he used the drug while racing for the team.

Barry told The Times newspaper that "Tramadol made me feel euphoric, but it’s also hard to focus. It kills the pain in your legs, and you can push really hard.”

Translation: Tramadol gives you what certain politically incorrect people refer to as "retard strength."

By the way, the patron saint of "retard strength" is Jens Voigt:

Anyway, Tramadol is not on the banned list, and it sounds like "lots" of riders are using it, which makes it the asthma medication of the 21st century:

Tramadol was included on the WADA "monitoring programme" in 2012 for "possible in-competition abuse" and its status is under review, meaning it could be added to the WADA Prohibited List for 2015. WADA has acknowledged that the drugs has been found in lots of anti-doping tests it carries out.

It would also explain a lot of the crashes you see:

It is widely suspected that some teams allow their riders to train and race while using the drug despite the risk it can lead to dizziness and so cause crashes. 

In fact, Tramadol use may very well be rife in the amateur ranks as well:



Let's just hope triathletes don't start using this stuff.

Title: Under This, There Are More Words!

First of all, I have to say I was deeply moved by the outpouring of support following my revelation that I suffer from occasional bouts of the "creeping crud."  I'd also like to thank everybody who suggested treatment and prevention methods, and especially those of you who attempted to make diagnoses.  So far, the most likely explanations for this affliction are as follows:

--I have a semen allergy;
--I am in the late stages of syphilis;
--I am a "woosie."

Actually, these things tend to be cumulative, so odds are I suffer from all three.

In any case, it's precisely this sort of can-do Internet self-diagnosis that makes universal health care so profoundly unnecessary in the USA.  So suck on that, Canada.  You can take your socialized medicine and your "Obamacare" and stick it where the sun don't shine.  (In other words, way up north for like half the year.)  And as for you Americans who don't have health coverage and like to complain, you need to get over it.  Wounded?  Ailing?  Dying?  Just grab those bootstraps and pull!  You'll be feeling great in no time.  You've got WebMD and you've got easy access to firearms.  What else do you need?

Anyway, I'm pleased to announce I've finally culled a treatment program from all these suggestions, and starting today I'm embarking on a kosher vegan freegan all-foraging diet and limiting my riding to off-road unicycling.

Also, for some sobering perspective, while I was simpering on about how I came over all itchy, commenter Leroy was actually attacked by a wild animal during his summer vacation, and here is that animal:

(Photo by Leroy's dog.)

From what I understand, the beast pounced from the foliage and gave chase, but Leroy was finally able to ride it off his wheel using the Cat 6 attacking skills he's honed from years of crossing the East River bridges.

As for the turtle, the chase left him exhausted, but he did find a way to cool off:

("There you go, little friend.")

There's a lot to love about cycling, but perhaps the most beautiful thing about it is that it puts you in touch with nature.

Speaking of Cat 6 racing, in the cutthroat world of racing people who don't know they're racing you're only as fast as your bike, and I received an email from Esteemed Commenter Daddo One reading simply "one day, you will need this" and accompanied with the following image.

He's exactly right, and that day is today.  I'd Cat 6 the fuck out of some Citi Bikers on that baby.

There's one person I wouldn't be able to beat though, and that's this guy:

Sure, he may not be the Lone Wolf:

But he's arguably the world's most accomplished cycling lone wolf--not to mention he travels with his own karaoke machine:

Mr. Lai said he had relied on donations of food, shelter and money from strangers along the way, and on his outdoors-survivor skills – often living off the land and sleeping in a tent.

He travels with a portable karaoke machine, so that he can stop and belt out 1980s Chinese pop songs for donations.

And as they say in the Old Country (although which one I'm not sure), "Language barrier, schmanguage barrier:"

To communicate, he has asked people along the journey to help him write basic requests in various languages on Post-its, which he then staples together into phrase books:

"Please help me get to Chinatown. Thank you!”
“Can I find Chinese people nearby?”
“Would you please fill my bottle with hot water?”
“Would you please shelter me for the night?”

You actually encounter a lot of this sort of thing in New York, though the visitors are usually from Portland and the line of questioning is a little different:

"Please help me get to Bushwick.  Thank you!"

"Can I find 'artisanal' people nearby?"

"Would you please fill my Thermos with Stumptown?"

"Would you please direct me to the Ace Hotel?"

Generally I just direct them to the Queensbound J train and tell them to ride it to the end of the line, but I suppose this will backfire when Jamaica becomes the new Williamsburg.

Of course, the other difference between Mr. Lai and your typical hapless tourist is that if things get dicey he'll kick your ass with his kung fu moves:

Mr. Lai practices kung fu, which he said had helped him during several scrapes on his journey, including a confrontation in Siberia with a group of motorcyclists armed with handguns.

Through a combination of dancing, singing and kung fu moves, Mr. Lai said he was able to defuse the situation. Soon he was showing the bikers photos of his trek.

Cinephiles will no doubt be familiar with the following quote:

Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you!

(Pootie.)

Well, I'd argue that beating the crap out of a motorcycle gang and then showing them pictures of your bike tour is no less formidable.

Meanwhile, if you're wondering why America is screwed despite our universal access to Internet self-diagnosis and assault weaponry, here's your answer:


Yes, while people from China are setting out on rides around the world with only $20 and a smattering of kung fu, Americans want $8,000 before they even throw a leg over the saddle--though they'll give you plenty of "inspiration" in return:

Help us help you help us help you overcome the mountains of necessary funding we require so we can overcome mountains to help inspire you to overcome mountains.

At least that's what I think he said.

In fairness to the filmmakers though, it sounds like they're planning to go anyway, and they just want the money so they can buy more film shit.  However, I'd suggest they just go on the ride and skip the movie, because one person's life-changing vacation is another person's sleep aid.  I sincerely hope they have a great time, but I have very little interest in hearing about it afterwards.  Can't I just watch "Empire of the Sun" and be done with it?

Then again, I was impressed with the training scene:

As well as evidence of the last remaining kickstand-and-Biopace-equipped bicycle in existence, complete with intact pie plate:

The mountains of China will surely be flattened under this machine's mighty wheels.

If nothing else, all of these adventures serve to make my own seem thoroughly inconsequential.  I mean, my idea of a big ride is the Rapha Gentlemen's Race--and I didn't even make it into the movie!

Sheesh.  The only reason I did the ride was to be immortalized in Rapha Douche-O-Vision™!

Clearly I need to cultivate a more exquisite suffer face.

Oh, well, back to studying those Pamprin commercials:



If you can tell me the difference between this and a Rapha video I'd love to know what it is.

BSNYC Thursday Fun Quiz #4

It can be difficult to tell today's misshapen carbon wonder-bikes apart. Consequently, it can be even more difficult to tell the reviews of these bikes apart. Like the bicycles they describe, these reviews contain lots of material but somehow carry very little weight. Today's quiz contains twelve quotes, compiled from two different reviews: Bicyling on the Specialized Tarmac SL2, and Cyclingnews on the Trek Madone 5.2. Simply read each quote and click on the review from which you think it comes. If you're correct, you'll see Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Tour of California. If you're incorrect, you'll see something life-changingly profound (involving Arnold Schwarzenegger). I've also included a special bonus question at the end, as well as the links to the original reviews. (Please don't read them until after you've finished the quiz!) Thanks, and good luck.

"However, that same no-frills race tool design also offered increasingly fading showroom appeal...and its purpose-built appearance was looking increasingly dated amidst a sea of more progressively designed competition."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"The hyper-wide bottom bracket shell, grossly oversized down tube, and asymmetric chain stays of the [deleted] clearly pay dividends as drivetrain response is exceedingly efficient..."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"The[deleted] has a huge down tube and bottom-bracket area, and an integrated BB design with bearings that reside in the frame that allow exceptional power transmission, but the ride isn't close to harsh."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"At low speeds or high, this bike goes where you point it..."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"I'll be blunt--this is one of the best bikes I've ever ridden."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"...like a perfect, high-performance extension of my body that was at the same time reasonably forgiving."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"It surges forward from a standstill and in all-out sprints, and eats up long stretches of pavement like I go through gummy bears."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"Any speck of conservatism has clearly been tossed out this time around, and the head tube even sports a new logo."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"The top tube is curved, like a leaf spring, to be more vertically compliant, and also wide, to resist twisting forces."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"...the aforementioned tube shaping ­allows [deleted] to build in more vertical compliance..."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"Our [deleted] was uncannily smooth with a magic carpet ride over rough pavement..."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

"The mind-blowing steering is ­precise, instant, never twitchy."

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: Which review mentions "vertical compliance" more often?

--Bicycling on the SL2

--Cyclingnews on the Madone

The reviews:

Bicycling
Cyclingnews

BSNYC Thursday Fun Quiz #3! (Special Self-Promotional Edition)

Don't worry, it's only one question, and it's an easy one. Think carefully and click on your answer. If you're wrong, you'll see Pee Wee Herman dancing with Grace Jones. If you're right, you'll see the maillot jaune saluting his adoring fans:

The December issue of "Bicycling" features an interview with which acrononymous entity?

--NYPD

--BSNYC

--BLT

--NAMBLA

Yes, awhile back I mentioned that I have always dreamed of being published in "Bicycling." Well, that dream has finally come true, proving that the best way to get people's attention is to taunt and mock them. And not only am I interviewed in that esteemed publication, but there are also obfuscated photos of me and a bicycle belonging to me. This should provide a good opportunity for anybody I have mocked here to mock me back.

The December issue will be on the stands on October 30th, but subscribers should be getting theirs any day now, so if you're curious keep an eye out for it. Thanks everybody for reading, and thanks to "Bicycling" for the fun opportunity.