Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Call to Unction: Today's Post Will Be Short But Greasy

Have your wildest dreams and most horrific nightmares ever come true at the same time?

Well mine just did:
That's right, the Layin' King himself, Mario Cipollini, will ooze into town this coming weekend for the Red Hook Crit:


The Lion King, Mario Cipollini will be in town this weekend for the Red Hook Crit, supporting the top Italian contenders and hanging out at R&A Cycles. He’ll be leading a casual ride at Prospect Park on Friday morning (9:30am GAP) followed by a Q&A at R&A Cycles.We’ll also let him try a few laps on Saturday if he brings a track bike.#redhookcrit #rhcbk10 #critweek #cipo #racycles

Mario Cipollini?  In Brooklyn?  Riding casually in Prospect Park?

This is like...I don't even know what it's like, and rarely am I at a loss for simile.

All I know is that even post-artisanal 21st century Brooklyn still has its fair share of unctuous characters, all of whom will move up a notch or two on the Class-O-Meter by default this coming weekend:


(When graded on a Cipo curve this is like Muffy, Buffy, Chip and Chaz at the country club...and yes, apparently Hot Chicks With Douchebags still exists, even in our modern post-PC society.)

You can also expect a lot of impromptu "training camps:"


As well as a measurable increase in the borough's population in approximately nine month's time:


("I got a lotta stops to make.")

And, ultimately, a bumper crop of charismatic sprinters on the local race circuit:


(Lucarelli & Castaldi are gonna have to pony up a lot more prime money.)

Of course, in my almost 10 years of semi-professional bike blogging I've had the opportunity to meet some of professional cycling's most intriguing characters.  For example, remember Michael Ball?


Well, during Rock Racing's apotheosis he brought he whole devil horn-throwing shitshow to Harlem:


Where I obtained his autograph upon this hat:


Which I in turn presented to my number one fan at the time:

Heady days indeed.

Nevertheless, even I, who have moved in the most rarefied (or sordid, depending on how you look at it) circles of cycling, am deeply intimidated--cowed even--by the prospect of being in the presence of someone who has played such a crucial role in my blog over the years:


("Without me to fall back on you are nothing.")

Indeed, even more daunting is the prospect of schlepping all the way to Brooklyn for a 9:30am rollout.

And then there's the prospect of discovering he's probably just a regular guy who's cannily cultivated an entertaining persona.

All if this is to say it remains to be seen whether or not I'll actually make it, and in the end it will all hinge on whether or not I manage to get the necessary vaccinations in time.

54 comments:

N/A said...

Early bird gets the scranus!

Anonymous said...

podiating y'all

Anonymous said...

Mario coming to the Snob's turf. It's like Darth Vader flying by on the Death Star and asking Luke to join the dark side of freddidom to "ride" without restraints and Rapha guilt. "Snob, I am your farther" come claim your rightful place by the hi-vis Carbon throne.

northtexan said...

You are being called to be near him.

Andy said...

Slimily awesome! Also top 5!

McFly said...

Jersey Whore

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

6rd!!! Top tennis it is!

Anonymous said...

7th without trying? Where is everybody?

Anonymous said...

you have to go! take pictures.

therattler said...

Remember that time those guys pranked stealing Cippo's bike and almost got their ass kicked? That was funny.

weasel said...

Yeah, don't worry, he's probably never heard of Wildcat Rock Machine.

DB said...

I bet Leroy's Dog will be there.

N/A said...

Go to him, Wildcat. Go to Cipollini and ride with him. How could you not? Squandering this opportunity would be a damn shame.



Related: How awesomely hilarious would it be if loved your blog and enjoyed the role he plays around here?

Die free... said...

Hot dam, don't miss it snobby!

After-hours Veterinarian said...

Necessary vaccinations!

Grump said...

Mario made the trip to America just to confront you about all the jokes you made at his expense.(It's a little known fact that he was born in Minnesota, and still has one of those "Fargo" type accents.....The Italian accent is fake)

Anonymous said...

Grump @ 10:03,

You have scored! +1!

Anonymous said...

WRM, you must.

Steely Danzig said...

You will forever regret it if you do not ride with Cippo. I missed a Butthole Surfers and fIREHOSE concert 25 years ago and still kick myself.

Butthole Surfers said...

They were all in love with dying they were drinkin' from a fountian
That was pouring like an avalance coming down the mountian

Schisthead said...

^^Steely Danzig has a valid point there.

You know how you were talking about doing what no one else wants to do because then you'll have a great chance of being number one at it?

"Call to Unction":
Sounds like a great title for a biekcycle racing specific harlequin romance novel series... just saying.


Lots of Maybes said...

Hope he doesn't go for a swim in the Gowanus, the sludge factor is high enough as is.

Maybe Leroy's Dog will turn raise a leg up on his leg.

Then again maybe he'll bring his women's team with him.

dnk said...

What Steely Danzig said.

Menstrual Cycling News said...

Local law firm is bringing Cipo to town to testify in a paternity suit. Is that what his is all about?

Surely he's on our No Fly List, I seem to remember some Italian Court ordering him to wear a Chastity Belt at all times.

leroy said...

Well this is odd. My dog suggested we rent Citibikes for a group ride in Prospect Park Friday morning. Wonder what that's about.

Anonymous said...

Methinks 'The Loin King' is a better handle.

Dylan shillin' for Chrysler said...

Cipo in Brooklyn is like: Ann Coulter in Berkeley....., no, it is not nearly that bad of an idea, and Coulter is probably not going, maybe later..... You're right that simile is a hard one...Jeter buying the Marlins???

boys on the hoods said...

Vaccinations may not help but ensure you have an appropriate supply of Degreaser.

Roger Kummert said...

I lived near R & A back in the day (80's-90's) and went in their a few times. Never liked the service. I was a bike commuter riding shit bikes and got the shit treatment from the staff. I hope they have changed their tune in recent years.

Anonymous said...

No, don't do it! Just like it is always said that you should never meet your hero, I expect it is also true about meeting your anti-hero. What if he DOES turn out to be a nice guy and (gasp) what if you become friends? No, no, the risk is too high!

janinedm said...

I imagine the shelves of the family planning sections of multiple Duane Reades will stripped bare. For my part, I'd take Plan B if he so much as looked at my saddle. I won't be going to the Red Hook Crit as watching people ride bikes sounds awful to me, but I'll be sure to set aside some money in case it's one of their off years and there's a lot of injury-related GoFundMes.

Fred Fredriksen said...

My guess is that Cipo won't have the time of day for a middle aged male, but you can watch him operate.

janinedm said...

I think Fred Fredriksen is right, but I think Cipo wouldn't bother to look at faces, so if you stuffed some melons down your jersey you could talk to him for a while before he'd know the difference.

dnk said...

@Roger Kummert 12 PM,

I've had similar experiences at R&A. I'm a bike commuter riding a Surly, not a Fred on a carbon fiber. Such fucking attitude. The staff seemed to actually have contempt for anyone not wearing a spandex suit plastered with logos & riding a multi-thousand-dollar bike.

I wonder if they've changed their tune too. I haven't been in there in more than 10 years. Thankfully there are plenty of other bike shops around now, it's easy to avoid that place.

Jon Webb said...

The yellow staining around the top of Cipo's jersey confirms everything you've said about his oiliness.

McFly said...

Ask him if there are any houses to rent in Tuscany.

"Ci Ci...Tuscana...."

Freddy Murcks said...

In my experience people attracted to bike racing tend towards being loner nerds who are turned off by team sports, so I am going to guess 'regular guy who's cannily cultivated an entertaining persona.' Which is not to discount how entertaining it has been, how canny Cipo is, or how much fun he realized he could have once people started thinking he was cool.

Chazu said...


"...nine months later there's a child with a full mane of hair and a set of teeth like a whale's baleen."

I read that 5 years ago, and I read it again today. Still fresh as a.... well, you're the master of similes, I'll leave this one to you.

Dooth said...

If you meet Cipo you must air kiss each other, please!

ghostly_apparition said...

YOU MUST GO TO HIM, Snob.

You must speak to the Great One. Ask him about all the doping he did and how it's working out now.

Do not bring the mother of your 17 children. There will be 18...

bieks said...

Well, the Red Hook Crit people don't think Mario's all that. They won't even lend him a track bike to try a few laps.

Did you get the Michael Ball pic from hotchickswithdouchebags.com too?

Freddy Murcks said...

Michael Ball's Wikipedia page is hilariously short. Even though pretty much everybody in cycling thinks he is an epic douche nozzle that sponsored a doping clusterfuck in the guise of cycling team, cycling people may be the only people that still remember that punched up little cunt.

dop said...

RK at noon..

Twenty years ago I went into R & A twice...once with the intention of buying a DeRosa, and then a week later to pick up the Casati I bought instead. They couldn't have been nicer & the advice they gave me was all good. (I would have been better off if I followed it)

Anonymous said...

Holy crap today's comment section is GOLD, GOLD I say!

JLRB said...

Go meet him - and maybe meet the guy who smashed his friend's bike as a bonus

NORE GRET


Agent Orange said...

Why dosen't anyone talk about Donald Trump anymore? He is kicking Canada's ass on softwood lumber and is going to milk them dry on... well, milk.

bieks said...

Maybe you could just happen to be in Prospect Park Friday morning, ride up behind Cipo and shout HOLD YOUR LINE!

Okay, maybe not, but it's fun to imagine.

purpleriv said...

For all we know, he might be the one kicking himself for not getting his vaccinations in time to join your pre-granfondon't ride.

JLRB said...

Everyone is talking about the first Hundred days… Of the new bike forecast

Sir Real said...

Snob, give him a BSNYC cap — and autograph it for him!

Come for the posts, stay for the comments....

Oil Slick in Red Hook said...

The Exxon Valdez will be coming aground in Brooklyn. Can life get any stranger, like maybe Donald Trump will be elected President.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

It's supposed to be dry outside, Cipo's coming,... and coming to make the Red Hook course slick again. Wha no Olio? No, estimado Cipo, en Espanol it's aceite de olivos aroun heeeya!

Agent Orange, I voted for isolationism and all I got was this lousy war. Any mention of the current pres will get you beat down by the supposed peacenicks.

vsk

Something Fishy, maybe Fish Oil, about all of this said...

"supporting top Italian contenders"

Someone actually pays for the Milan riders to go from Italy to Red Hook?

ESPN was going to broadcast it, but they just announced big cuts and Cipo and Red Hook got the axe. Instead their going to replay highlights from National Geo's Shark Week.

Anonymous said...

I loved the article by Andrew Hood over at Velo News - http://www.velonews.com/2017/04/commentary/opinion-six-reasons-we-should-trust-valverde_436574 - it really changed my mind about whether Valverde might be cheating to win bicycle races.

We should believe that all of Valverde's wins are legitimate because he already served a doping ban, decreasing wear and tear on his body; Joop Zoetemelk (who never tested positive for doping) won a World Championship at 38; if he doped, it would be bad for his reputation; he doesn't win all year long, just in spring, and then does really well in grand tours (all three of them last season, in fact); he is tested more than almost every athlete in the world; there have been no major doping scandals involving a major rider or team in nearly a decade (Obviously, minus the Armstrong thing. And the Dutch thing that conveniently stopped happening right at the time where the statute of limitations could have stripped someone's accomplishments. And Astana. And Zakarin. But besides those isolated incidents, nothing); and he's winning by small margins against another successful 30-something named Contador (who we all know never used any illegal substances and has never turned in a suspicious performance). I'm sold, he must be clean and we should stop looking for dirt because it's totally normal for a guy who's 37 years old to beat 20-somethings at the peak of their physical conditioning.