Monday, December 12, 2016

The more things stay the same, the more they don't change.

So have you built your custom Walz cap yet?


Since tire pressure curation is more important than ever in these gravel-centric times, I've gone through my tire pressure journal and made a special proprietary cap for each of my bicycles with the appropriate PSI embroidered on it so I never forget:



Also, don't forget that a custom-embroidered Walz cap is a great holiday gift for your friend who thinks they're hot shit on Strava:


Remember: discount code WLZBSNYC16 is still good until this Wednesday, December 14th, so order now!  Or at least before then!  Exclamation points!!!

Also, according to the banner over there in the BSNYC Right-Hand Margin Shopping Mall they're offering another discount code good for items from their Velo/City collection.

So basically it's safe to say at this point that if you go to the Walz site and enter a bunch of random letters and numbers you'll probably get a nice discount on something.

In other news, it's always a shame when someone quits cycling:


Though, to be honest, anyone who calls it "biking" and spells pedaled as "peddled" is already a high flight risk:

I love biking. I bought my wife a bike and was happy when my two sons started biking. One peddled from San Francisco to Beaufort, North Carolina. The other biked in Philadelphia as part of his employment.

I certainly don't mean to make light of the infuriating tragedies that informed this person's decision, but I'm not sure how you reconcile telling people to "continue to work for bike-safe roads" while simultaneously announcing that you're quitting bikes:

We all respect and honor ghost bikes and memorial rides that follow the tragic deaths of fallen bikers around the world. But after Ashley, I’m siding with my parent’s common sense about Pee Wee Football and risk. I’ve hung my bike from the ceiling in my garage, to be ridden only on special occasions, out of respect for all the Ashleys, Rafes, Kentaros, Daniels, Neds, and the many others both in the past and are yet to come. Too many car drivers are using cell phones, alcohol, and drugs. Let us continue to work for bike-safe roads, but in the meantime, my bike hangs in the garage.

I'm also not sure this is the best way to honor the victims' memories.  If I should meet my end at the texting hands and lead foot of a motorist, I don't want anybody hanging up their bike on account of me.  Quite the opposite.  I want a mass-salmoning up 5th Avenue with thousands of helmetless riders flouting the law and flipping off every driver they see.  There's no way I could rest comfortably knowing people weren't riding because of me.  If anything I want them to hold trackstanding competitions on my grave:


Anyway, the above op-ed came to my attention because someone wrote a letter to the editor about it which someone tweeted at me:


Here it is:


My thanks to Daniel deB. Richter for hanging up his bike (“Fearful of drivers, I’m off my bike,” Nov. 27 Point of View).

Perhaps those of us who endure packs of rude, self-absorbed, oblivious cyclists threatening traffic on roads not designed for bicycles will drive with a bit less fear. Many of the roads on which these cyclists ride have two lanes with double yellow lines, curves and hills.

Yes, the roads have been terrorized by weight-weenies on sub-18lb bicycles for far too long.  Will Americans ever feel safe in their 5,000lb SUVs again?  Hopefully President Trump can restore some semblance of sanity and order.

My wife is often reluctant to drive in our part of Raleigh on the weekends for fear of these posturing pelotons.

Yeah?  Well your wife's an idiot and so are you.

My tax dollars help pay for biking trails suitable for Richter to indulge his passion for latex shorts and expensive bicycles while not endangering me or others who merely want to use the roads for the intended purpose of vehicular traffic.

Uh, latex shorts?  Really?  If your wife regularly finds herself among people in latex shorts during her weekend visits to Raleigh you two might want to have an honest discussion about your sex life.

By the way, if you do a search for Stuart Byham in Raleigh you find someone who over the years has been guilty of the following violations:

--STOP SIGN VIOLATION
--HANDICAPPED PARKING VIOLATION
--SPEEDING
--SPEEDING IN SCHOOL ZONE
--EXPIRED REGISTRATION CARD/TAG
--NO OPERATORS LICENSE

Now I have absolutely no idea whether or not this is the same Stuart Byham, and of course I'm not asserting that it is, but either way it's pretty safe to say the guy's a putz.

Speaking of interesting search results, you don't want to know what happens if you search for "passion for latex shorts"--or maybe you do, which is totally cool, I didn't mean to be judgmental.  (And that goes for you too, Ms. Byham.  I'm sure after that honest discussion you and your husband will be catheterizing each other in no time, and I wish you nothing but happiness.)

Anyway, if the Byhams are this frightened of run-of-the-mill Freds then there's no telling how horrified they'd be if they encountered an alleycat, and Stephane in Munich has informed me that L'Equipe is now documenting the phenomenon:

Each week, cyclists participate in clandestine competitions, called alleycats. Cities are their territory, the streets are their playground. In New York, Berlin or for the Cycle Messenger World Championships in Paris, we met world champions, recognized winners and experienced witnesses. Watch this film on the messenger culture, their history, their competitions and their claim for liberty.

The video opens with no less a personage than Lucas "Every seat I have is as sharp as a razor" Brunelle, and even when he's not the one speaking I'm leery of any pronouncement that begins, "In this society..."


"In this society, we're taught not to do so many of the things that we do in our film."

I think you're confusing being afraid to break the shackles of conformity with simple common sense.  Is riding into traffic while wearing designer streetwear really striking a blow against society, or is it merely the sort of thing people with common sense don't bother doing?


Seems to me the bike advocacy smugerati types are doing much more to undermine "society" than the Lucas Brunelle movie extras, but watching someone pedal a bakfiets to the food co-op doesn't make for a very sexy video.  (Unless you think Birkenstocks and bunions are sexy--and I'm talking to you, Ms. Byham.)

Though this rider is definitely striking a blow against society by wearing his helmet cocked way back on his head with Euro-style insouciance:


Seriously, if he pushes that helmet back any further he'll be wearing it around his neck.

Nevertheless, it was interesting to see the whole alleycat thing covered from a mainstream European media perspective.  For example, apparently in Paris the number of bike messengers has increased over the past ten years from a dozen:


To hundreds:


Wait a minute.

[Cue record scratch sound.]

It's increasing?  Don't they have email in France?  Here in New York there used to be tons of messengers, but now I think there are like four actual messengers left and everyone else just wears fancy clothes and makes a weekly delivery for Uber to maintain some semblance of street cred.

Next we meet the competitors at the Cycle Messenger World Championships, and I'm pleased to report that America wins for most voluminous hair and beard:


I mean he's no Dogpaw, but then again who is?


Every time I watch the Dogpaw video I notice something new.  For example, of course he locks his bike with handcuffs, because he's fucking Dogpaw:


In any case, while the USA totally has the best hair situation, Bern takes the prize for most resembling a villain from a Cold War action film:


Anyway, the video eventually makes its way to New York City and Monster Track, and in the end I concluded that France must be at least 10 years behind the cycling trends, which means I should totally move there and travel back in time to when my blog was still relevant.

It's also worth noting that, as irritating as it can be to watch riders blasting through intersections and buzzing pedestrians, even the worst outlaw cyclist is still more endearing than the Hells Angels:

I think it's cute how they have a tree:


"Nobody fucks with our tree, man!"

If a squirrel dreams about stealing an acorn off that tree it better wake up and apologize.

I mean they're no Satan's Helpers, but still:



Anyway, time to grab those latex bibs and head out for a ride.

67 comments:

Seattle lone wolf said...

Podio?

Dooth said...

Don't mess with the Angels' traffic cone. Ever.

Sushi was captcha.

BamaPhred said...

First Loser

wishiwasmerckx said...

Second loser.

BamaPhred said...

Well, second loser ain't bad

Fourhourerection said...

Top ten?

Fourhourerection said...

Could I win a new sickling cap? Nice.

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Seattle lone wolf said...

Don't forget to use the discount code AYHSMB16.

N/A said...

Stuart Byham wears yellowed cotton/poly-blend briefs, and his soccer-mom SUV has under-inflated tires!

janinedm said...

The truck drivers who ride motorcycles are typically the most generous road sharers on my morning commute.

Anonymous said...

Stuart Byham only wears latex shorts when his enuresis acts up, and he doesnt want to be seen wearing the "yellow jersey"

Anonymous said...

top ten you miserable freds.. and I read it..

dnk said...

A latex wedgie for Stuart Byham.

CommieCanuck said...

Campagnolo makes the best whips and ball gags. just sayin'.

CommieCanuck said...

Campagnolo makes the best whips and ball gags. just sayin'.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

15th Scranus, now to read!

dancesonpedals said...

they have slipped the latex bonds of Earth / Put out their hands and touched the scranus of God

CommieCanuck said...

You can see the latest in latex shorts, whips and ball-gags at L'Erotica. I run 120psi. No pinch flats, unless that's what you want.
The safe word is always "scattante".

RBBR SHRT

dancesonpedals said...

btw

The latex bonds are easier to clean than the leather bonds. It may take 10 years, but that's the way it is with bonds.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Vittoria is already using graphene in their tires. Their next big collabo will be with the makers of Silly Putty and Cateye. Your tires will keep your computer up to date realtime with #whatpressureyourunnin!

PS, Stuart Byham is probably one of the douche-freds in full tri-dork regalia flat out on Raleigh's fine bicycle trails terrorizing the parents with kids on training wheel bikes.

James said...

Bike paths don't go where I want to go...

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I pass the Hell's Angels place every day on my commute. They leave the cones on the street year round. There's a dude outside who looks after their motos (I don't know how he got that promotion, but he sure seems to enjoy it)... anyways, sometimes I don't see the dude outside and I've always wanted to fuck with their cones...

Even though the guy was shot ( and I hope he's ok) I still have a desire to fuck with their cones. Maybe I should just fuck with their tree. Maybe they won't shoot me for that.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Wow, Snobby, you went digging deep into "The Annals of Total Fucking Morons" to come up with Stuart Byham.

Name said...

Hells Angels fucking assholes. Fancy themselves tough guys but when they loose a brawl to any regular Joe, they need to use guns.

Pussaayys.

RJ Squirl said...

Why I’ll Never Ride a Bike in New York City
By Alex Watt December 10, 2016

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/why-ill-never-ride-a-bike-in-new-york-city

A great example of "truthiness"

the leopard said...

things will have to change, if they are to remain the same

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I wonder if anyone's dog has ever peed on the Hells Angels tree and lived to bark about it.

Drock said...

After using alcohol and drugs I usually pull my bike down off the hook in the garage. If I where weaker would I get as much chain stretch?

Hasselhoff, David said...

Messenger Mario fro Bern looks like Klaus Meine, lead singer of the Scorpions. He WILL rock you like a hurricane.

Spokey said...

wow

30 commas already. everyone already on winter holiday?

Grump said...

I'm glad those bike "Woosies" are off the road. If I ever passed them with a two foot margin, on my bike, they would have screamed and fallen off their bikes......PS. 100/95, with 23's.



Bryan said...

Grab em by the Scranus!

Buffalo Bill said...

How come we haven't seen any action yet from Frank Moses, or Bryan Mills, or Jason Bourne? Inquiring minds and all that.
Or maybe Mario from Bern has been given the contract to ensure plausible deniability.

N/A said...

An unexpected benefit of a good schmear of chamois lube is that it's harder to be grabbed by the scranus!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Before grabbing anyone's scranus, it is recommended one pops a few Tic Tacs in their mouth, in case any further nonconsensual activities ensue.

I don't encourage or condone this behavior, but it wouldn't hurt for anyone campaigning for troll in chief either.

Spokey said...


i bought one snobbie hat and not another. the largest one squeezes my fat head like a vise.

dancesonpedals said...

Donald Trump always put a dime in his condoms. His mother told him, "If you can't come, call."

Podesta's Pizza said...

Donald Trump always put a dime in his condoms. His mother told him, "If you can't come, call."
----------------------------------------------------------
A snowflake lashes out in impotence.

Anonymous said...

So I guess drunk or texting drivers aren't a risk to you when you're behind the wheel or do you plan to give up driving too? And Lob knows that being a pedestrian is like putting a target on your back. I suppose they'll just be staying home now and getting all the essentials, like latex shorts, delivered.

undercoating said...

Mother's messengers used to be in that white storefront next to the angel's . I worked there briefly in the mid 90s. We were told to never sit on the bench out in front of the angel's hq. One morning when i arrived at work, there was a trail of blood drops originating from in front of their hq running all of the way down the block.

Frickus Rungus said...

I was riding through the outdoor mall parking lot over lunch time today when I heard the dulcet tones of AC/DCs "hells bells". At first I thought it was music being piped outside by the mall stores. Then I saw the guy on the fat bike, rippin' up the snowy patch of grass between the sidewalk and street with a bluetooth speaker strapped to his rear rack.

I'm not sure if he was test riding the bike from a nearby bike shop, or testing out the speaker from the nearby verizon store. Maybe he heard that Snobby rides his chubby bike behind the mall and figured that everyone goes to the mall to mountain bike?

Yogi said...

The caps are back, it's like déjà vu all over again.

Pussy Riot said...

Beware the Russian Ides of January 20th.

Coincidence? said...

Babble comes back Friday and today there are all kinds of comments on gags, whips, latex, etc. Coincidence, I don't think so, do the math man.

Krusty said...

When I see a Limited Edition Cap, it reminds me of Homer Simpson saying "Ooh, Premium".

Anonymous said...

I count eleven ads for external products and two ads for your books in the fabled right hand side margin.

I'm not disapproving; it's quite unobtrusive. And the subtle, soft-sell, amiable and not-too-frequent product spruiking within the editorial content of this blog is quite tolerable. In a world of unrestrained ravenous marketing, commendable, even.

But surely it's time to ease up on the "semi-professional" blogger shtick, you must have a publishing empire/media mogul sort of thing happening by now...

Edgar Welch said...

I have to get one of those Limited Edition Caps for my next investigative foray.

Anonymous said...

Walz cap custom embroidery idea: "Satan's Helpers"

Premium du Lux said...

CC at 145 and 146 - But do they have a "Limited Edition" line?

Anonymous said...

Is Lucas Brunelle, the weird 40 year old dude who shows up uninvited to college parties?

Anonymous said...

Imagine going your whole life sitting on nothing but razor sharp seats. Wow.

Anonymous said...

The only time motorists feel compelled to obey a double yellow is in the presence of a hypothetical cyclist.

Anonymous said...

Byham must be a lousy driver to lose his balls at the sight of a cyclist.

Marc said...

Acorns are found on Oak Trees moron. Get out of the city, live a little.

Marc

leroy said...

Dear Lieutenant Oblivious @3:07pm -

My dog informs me that he doesn't mess with the Angels and they don't mess with him.

And when it comes to trees, he has different statements to make.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Marc,

Trust me, I don't have to leave my block to find fuckloads of acorns.

Visit the city, live a little.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Francois said...

The number of bike "messengers" indeed increased a lot in Paris recently. But most of them are actually delivering food.
They usually do so using a weird square backpack, and work for the compagny deliveroo (it's basically foodler, with a fleet of cyclists that delivers the stuff).
And it doesn't seem like they're part of the "messenger culture". Many of them ride noisy 100€ mountain bikes, so I guess it's mostly people who started doing that recently to get extra cash.

babble on said...

Um, so did you know that the number of times you hit the crosswalk button is inversely proportionate to your IQ? And Marc? Whenever someone feels the need to name-call, the label they use says a lot more about how they feel about themselves than it does anything else. You would have seen this in action during the election cycle just past.

Projection is a funny thing. Like Mr and Ms Latex pants so terrified of cyslists. HIllfuckinlarryous. And it's funny, cause here in Vancouver, the police found a different way to blame the victim when the same accident took the life of a young Vancouver fellow Fred, enabling entitled motorists across the Lower Mainland to continue to ignore the fact that they take our lives in their hands CONSTANTLY, with disregard for the heinous nature of their driving habits. Worse, the RCMP continued the madness (SNAFU) by hanging out on River Road near the accident to harrass cyclists.

And so Bill Yearwood, the head of the Transportation Safety Board, and also the president of the BC Masters' Cycling Association, and naturally our Spiritual Leader and General Yoda - a man whose voice really ought to carry some weght in all things concerning road safety, considering (HELLOOOOO) he IS the actual voice of authority for the Transportation Safety Board - posted this message:

The police in Richmond still don't get. Yesterday a member in an RCMP SUV was positioned on the North side of River Road facing East looking at the stretch of the road that has a broken yellow line. Not a place to observe cars passing, across the double yellow, even a lone cyclist. A male voice announce on the RCMP vehicle's PA "ride single file". Because of the cross wind I was riding behind and off to the side of the rider in front of me. From what I can determine from the MVA, this is okay. There is nothing about single file. It states cyclist are not to ride abreast. Regardless, the point is he was set-up to critisize cyclists, not set up to critisize speeding cars crossing the double yellow line.

Y'know, because we dumbass cyclists kill so many people out there on the roads every day, acting all entitled n' stoopid n'all. A real manace. Speciallly me in my high heels...

Humanity is doomed. We've no fucking sense at all. None. Sigh... still feels like Monday.

But at least there was Latex shorts and handcuffs to brighten my day. Um, and nekkid. mmmmmmm nekid. Does google's Blogspot allow you to post nekkid? I LOVE nekkid. And I totally suck, too, but apparently I do it rather well, so that's alright. And if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right, right? :)

babble on said...

And babbling on...

Just a leeeetle fact for you to chew on: you're far more likely to die behind the wheel of a car than you are on a bike, or even as a pokey ol' biped. And we're not talking about high blood pressure and being a fat, ugly stressd out old motorist, either, though there IS that. No, Car crashes caused by speeding texting, drunk and drugged, stop sign and red light ignoring, super entitled dumbfucktarded motorists mostly kill people in cars, believe it or don't. I can't be bothered to re-research it for you, but if you do a bit of digging on your own, The Great Google will confirm this to be true.

SoFlo'd said...

Me and Kate Beckinsale, have nearly identical rear ends... so black latex works for us... (also twin P99s...)

plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose, because ya gotta roll the bones...

The weirdest thing about the video is the car driver uses the brakes... never saw that b4... huh...

My custom cap: If you can read this, I'm going too slow... pssssssffffftttt....

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

63teenth scranii? Sorry for being late, but I fell asleep at my desk. Don't tell my boss. He thinks I'm a hard worker.

Snowflake my ass said...

Suck it

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