Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Chain of Fools

All these weeks I've been selfishly nudging you over to the right-hand margin of this blog to do your holiday shopping, but if I'm to be completely honest this season's best gift idea is clearly nanoparticle-infused laser lube:


Here's the deal:


Together Cycle Star and NC State have designed a new technology where lasers are used to form nano and micro carbon particles (microscopic ball bearings), which are claimed to reduce friction between metallic surfaces as they move across one another.

Yes, this lube has all the ingredients you need to appeal to the Fredly marketing demographic:

--Lasers?  ✓
--The word "nano" in it? ✓
--Physical characteristics you can't verify with your own eyes but instead must take on faith? ✓

That last one is particularly brilliant, because while Freds don't know shit about science they do at least understand the concept of ball bearings, so imagine the speed and efficiency they can conjure up in their minds if they think their chain is now impregnated with them:

These carbon micro-particles are mixed into a lightweight synthetic oil and when applied to your chain Cycle Star says it will not only bond on a molecular level to the drivetrain's surface to fill in microscopic gaps, but will also create a "ball bearing effect between surfaces."

Oh, and it works on cars, so you know it's good:

It sounds gimmicky no doubt, but Cycle Star’s parent company, Star Nanotech, has applied its technology to automotive oil already. According to a study at NC State University, it resulted in enhanced fuel efficiencies of up to 35 percent in four, six and eight-cylinder gas and diesel cars and trucks.

Makes sense, because your bicycle's drivetrain is exactly like the motor of a six or eight-cylinder gas or diesel car or truck.  That's why if you can service your bicycle you can also service your car engine.  They're basically the same thing.  Take my word for it: all you need to replace the timing belt in your Honda Accord from the comfort of your own driveway is a bicycle multitool and a copy of "Zinn and the Art of Road Bike Maintenance."  Then when you're done be sure to fill the engine with Cycle Star nano-ball laser-tech bicycle chain lube.  No problem!  Though at $40 a bottle it will probably end up costing you what you would have paid the local garage:

This isn’t the first time nanoparticles have been applied to chain lubes, though this seems to be the most science-intensive application, which translates into the price at an eye-watering $40 for a 10oz/30ml bottle. That said, Cycle Star says that only a small amount of lube is needed — less than half a pipette's worth — to properly lube a chain.

Incredible.  $40 for some lube--which has already been scientifically proven not to improve drivetrain efficiency.  Eye-watering indeed.  in fact, you might as well just apply that eye water to your chain for all the difference it will make.

And how much is "half a pipette's worth," anyway?  Between tracking your mileage, monitoring your wattage, and journaling about #whatpressureyourunning cycling has become a bewildering process of data collection, and adding "pipette" as a unit of measurement may very well be the metric that broke the Fred's back.  This is why I've always championed more straightforward methods of quantification.  For example, you'll remember DFUs, or "Diminutive Frenchman Units:"


Similarly, when talking about liquid volumes, it helps to know that one (1) pipette's worth of a liquid equals the amount of pre-ejaculate secreted by Mario Cipollini when he swipes onto an appealing Tinder profile:


This is called a CPCU, or "Cipollini Pre-Cum Unit."

Then you've got a CFOEU, or "Cipollini Full-On Ejaculate Unit," which speaks for itself:


This is roughly equivalent in both size and consistency to a gallon of Benjamin Moore white semi-gloss:


Which is why the CFOEU has widely been adopted as a unit of measurement among contractors.

By the way, if constant Cipollini sexual references make you uncomfortable then maybe the problem is with you and your hangups, Mr. and Ms. Stuart Byham.

I hope couples therapy is working out for you.

Speaking of using your body to make stuff work, here's a video that asks whether or not you can power your house using a bicycle:



(SPOILER ALERT: OF COURSE NOT.)

What they don't tell you is that Adam totally could have powered that house if only he'd slathered his chain with Laser Lube.

As far as broader conclusions to draw from the video, it's pretty clear that in order to power our nation of wildly inefficient single-family ranch homes Donald Trump's gonna have to do some serious plundering.

(But don't worry, that's not going to happen.  If it were then he'd be assembling a cabinet of generals and oil company executives.)

Lastly, via a reader, here's the 3,250 Euro furniture bike of your dreams:


This bicycle is designed from the basic idea that it should be like a piece of furniture. A comfortable piece that makes you happy every time you take it for a ride. 

Seems to me that this bike should have been a recumbent, the most furniture-like of all the bicycles:


That's like a La-Z-Boy on wheels.

92 comments:

Unknown said...

Harumph.

Anonymous said...

Scrodium

Bryan Bracy said...

podioohy

Cyril Civet said...

I don't think anyone has commented yet because they are retching over the Cipo references

dancesonpedals said...

pentascranus

McFly said...

Peter done got his nails did.

dancesonpedals said...

Having read the post, I now offer the following riddle:

What's grey and comes in quarts?


Elephants.

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Top ten.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus #9

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"A comfortable piece that makes you happy every time you take it for a ride.

Seems to me that this bike should have been a recumbent, the most furniture-like of all the bicycles"

Indeed.

Dooth said...

less than half a pipette's worth? Time to fill pipette then.

Cat 404 said...

Put that in your pipette and stroke it.

Bryan said...

That euro bike looks bad from the side, even worse when you see other angles. The only positive thing about it is the downtube is so massively wide you won't need fenders (that you can't mount anyway).
If you have to explain a bicycle design, it's dumb.

That poor Brooks Cambium deserves a better life under my butt

Freddy Murcks said...

NAN
OH
PAR
TICKLES

Anonymous said...

Totally gross blog, snob. Thanks to you, I can never paint with Benjamin Moore white semi-gloss again without throwing-up a little.

You've also ruined frickin lazers for me.

N/A said...

Hahaha, oh man Freds and their lubes. I need to develop some space age lubes that increase whatever the hell bullshit I can fabricate and get me a piece of this stupid pie. I'll be able to afford a full Rapha kit in no time!

Anonymous said...

Benjamin Moore?

BEEN JAMMIN' MORE DICK

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

17th Scranus second day in a row?

DeWayne Stark said...

How about spraying some Cycle Star on the chap's hair in the Walz hat ad. It looks like the hat is crooked. Most smart phone user have a leveling app what is needed is an app that allows for a freds selfie view to level sun glasses, helmets and hipster hats

BamaPhred said...

Can frickin laser zorched scranal emollients be far behind?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Didn't the aluminum bike frames before crabon contain nano-particles of boron in the metal matrix mix?

If the makers of the nano lube are claiming a 35% increase in gas mileage when their oil is put in a car they probably own the patent to the fish carburetor too! Everyone knows the auto makers and big oil have been keeping that from the public for like forever!

That fugly Alma bike looks like it would sure be vertically compliant yet laterally stiff.

N/A said...

I have designed a new technology where lasers are used to form nano and micro carbon particles in a proprietary blend of unique unguents and so forth, to be slathered across the scranus/vulvanus of any serious bicycle-cyclist. In laboratory conditions, it has been noted to reduce taintal-induced friction by as much as 47%, which increases rotational efficiencies and some other impressive sounding jargon!

leroy said...

Oh great. All morning long my dog has been calling me "L-Bow," which is short for Lazy Boy On Wheels.

I'm gonna threaten to call him L-Bow Wow this afternoon.

It's an assured mutual destruction thing.

Anonymous said...

Did you notice that "Every delivered bicycle has it's own serial number". What???!!! No way, each serial number is unique? That's some artisanal accounting there!

art said...

The oil in the engine of that car your bank owns is already full of carbon nanoparticles. Especially if you're overdue for a change.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Boeshield, the first nano lube developed by Boeing in the 90's. Somehow manages to 'bond' with your drivetrain yet is also simultaneously washed away by the first rain ride into the gutter.

Any positive ecological benefits that cycling provides to our planet are probably offset by the toxic materials we use to wishfully make our bikes faster which end up in the water supply.

I wonder chain lube Ted K would recommend?

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the Goldman Sachs guys. They're good at plundering, too.

N/A said...

If you rub a clean chain with the inside of an over-ripe banana peel, it will adhere to the chain and provide long-lasting lubrication.

N/A said...

Additionally, banana peels are gravel-ready.

82medici said...

Anon @ 12:24

Boeshield sounds a lot like WD-40. It is described as a "mineral spirits-based water dispersant". By the way, that is what the "WD" stands for, and it was the (get ready) 40th formulation tried by the Hughes Aircraft engineers who developed it. (That's the story I heard. I can't vouch for veracity.)

Gianpaolo Panusa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Most comfortable bike? I vote for this one, a side-by-side trike, which I got to ride briefly 2 weeks ago.

http://www.worksmancycles.com/sbst-3cb.html

Upright position - Check.
Bucket Seats - Check.
Arm rests - Check.
No need to get out of the seat EVER! - Check.
Choose the right partner, and you never even need to move your feet, except to surprise them with the coaster brake - Check!

PS. They are in Brooklyn - Snob could check them out...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:12pm,

Worksman is in Queens.

--Wildcat Etc.

wle said...

"Speaking of using your body to make stuff work, here's a video that asks whether or not you can power your house using a bicycle:
" it was NPR listener "Booky McReaderPants" who asked that (DUMB) question.. who?

Anonymous said...

SCRANULUM

Drock said...

That Mario guy makes it in this blog a lot, strange. Nanos and lazers, way over my head today. For some reason these velocity hubs have the thread labeling backwards, ah yes from down under makes it clear. Spelled better today two.

Anonymous said...

A few years back velo news tested lubricants and olive oil did very well in their test. I've been using it ever since for chains and cleats- works great and it's cheap!

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for the Scranillium impregnated chain lube.

Two Claws said...

Olive oil - cheap, and delicious! And can be "artisanal" too if you need that for your bikes

Two Claws Up!

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:24 PM:

Beeswax. The wax adds glide, the residual honey adds stick and waxing a chain is such a comparative chore you'll only do it once a year or so, reducing consumption. Warning... may attract bees into your chain.

Anonymous said...

Are these laser balls the same as the beads they put in soap so I don't have to use a washcloth anymore?

1904 Cadardi said...

N/A @12:07,

Needs more quantum.

1904 Cadardi said...

Wildcat,

For everyone outside New York, Queens Brooklyn Manhattan and New Jersey are all the same thing.

dancesonpedals said...

Cipo uses an artisanal apple product to lubricate his much-calloused penis.

"Because Eet always feelz better when I soak it in cider, No?"

Soflo'd said...

Ewwww.... ewwww... omg... ewwww....

The Selle deal is awes plus tho... nsx is vrrry nice.

Moby Dick said...

Willing to bet Babble's chain has ended up looped around some ball bearings from time to time.

Freddy Murcks said...

Brooklyn Queens

Au said...

Bush hair is permanently removed using a laser. It's done like a scene right out of Goldfinger.

bad boy of the north said...

Thanks,now I'll never see Benjamin Moore semi gloss in the same way again.

Putin on the Ritz said...

Our puppet gets sworn in next month.
And the puppet owns our banks big rubles.
It is why puppet claims to be the only non-believer.
"The Capitalists will sell us the rope with which we will hang them."

Putin on the Ritz said...

And the puppet owes our banks big rubles.

Anonymous said...

Booky McReaderpants makes me want to vomit. Kind of like Scrotie McBooggerballs.

-Mr. Stotch

I heat up, I can't cool down said...

My girlfriend can not keep her hand on the stick-shift when it's slathered with Laser Lube. We start off speeding up, off comes her hand, we coast down, on goes her hand, we speed up, off comes her hand, we coast down...

Dooth said...

Olive oil chain lube?
Yo, whatsaladdressingyourunning?
Nanoyourbusiness.

Mork from Ork said...

Nano! Nano!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Tried olive oil chain lube. Attracted Italian chicks.

Tried beeswax chain lube. Attracted Mormon chicks.

Next, I think I'll try rubbing the chain with pastrami. Want to attract Jewish chicks.

Trick or Teat said...

The farmer milking Cipo; collecting enough to fill a bucket of paint, what a hand job that must be.

Dave said...

Olive oil - regular or extra virgin? And don't say "light". Worse yet, many olive oils are totally bogus. How do you verify that virginity, anyway? Caveat emptor, especially with things nano and quantum. Might be just a bottle of mismatched quarks, all janky. You don't know.

Anonymous said...

Chains are so nineteenth century...

Where is the "I am a robot" check box!?

C3P0

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Ras Putin on the Ritz

Your puppet has bankruptcy down pat. Just sayin'

Some guy from upstate said...

Ok, I hate to get all engineery (ok, that's a lie, it's basically what I live for), but the journal bearings in your car engine work because the parts are separated by a thin film of fluid. There is no metal-to-metal contact except for very brief periods starting or stopping the engine or if something goes horribly wrong. So it's hard to see how "carbon nanoparticles" could help much. As far as the 35 percent improvement in gas mileage, suppose this miracle product eliminated ALL of the internal friction in your engine. That would mean that the internal engine friction was 35 percent of the total drag, including the whole rest of the drivetrain, rolling resistance of the tires, air drag, parasitic losses like the water pump, alternator, etc. Not even close. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put the ice pack back on my knee after this evening's encounter with the front end of a Toyota Paris. Talk about metal-to-metal contact...

Pride of the Lone Star state said...

Everett Toyota in Paris, Texas?

You lucky dog...

Alex the Helment Nazi said...

1 pipette can hold from 1 microliter to 100 milliliters. Might as well use "can" instead of pipette. 3oz can? 1 gallon can. Yep.

Jeb said...

Why this feller, for only $50, he done gone and sold me some 'Snake Oil' for my chain. He sezs that 'Snake Oil' is gonna make riding my bike up hills just as easy as riding my bike down hills!
Ain't sure if that's true 'cause it's flatter than shit 'round these parts.

dancesonpedals said...

So where do all those, 'extra virgins' come from? And why do they press olive oil.

Maybe it was extra vegan.

JLRB said...

The shortest scranus of the year is near

McFly said...

I've got a Toyota. I live in Paris.

Coincidence?

Anonymous said...

But is WD-40 on your chain still a thing? I prefer the jumbo size 33% bonus size aerosol can. Lasts a whole 3 months.

Know Resistance said...

Maybe this nano-tech-laser stuff really does work, as you know, truth can be stranger than friction.

Hải Đặng said...

"This information is impressive; I am inspired with your post writing style & how continuously you describe this topic. After reading your post, thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel happy about it and I love learning more about this topic..
hoa lan ho diep | civil engineering outsourcing | Civil engineering services | Outsourcing land development services | Civil engineering services | Outsource Structural Drafting Services | Outsource CAD drafting services "

Anonymous said...

I'm probably going to get alot of negative props for this comment but the best olive oil for the money is Kirkland's from Costco.

I'm also tired of the old "WD 40 isn't lubricant" shpeal It's not the best but it will quiet a squeaky chain and keep it from stretching and does ok in cables too. The key is to put an excessive amount on. Quit trying so hard to show that you are a over educated Fred. WD sponsored a bike racing team and an established bike shop was recently documented using it on high end Shimano equipped road bikes:

https://youtu.be/CFWIJkMKPlY

Vodka works in a pinch too, especially if you want to attract Russian women.

The Italian

Anonymous said...

Fascinating, does this marketing approach actually work sometimes? I agree with your compliments of the blog btw.

Anonymous said...

There's one born every minute, and some of them ride bikes I guess.

Anonymous said...

I wish we could do negative & positive props in the comment section like they do on Pinkbike. Comments deleted after 5 negative props.

Chain of fools.... can't help but think, is that an insult to the commenters of your blog Snobby?

And your last blog was called Put a lid on it. Hmmmm.

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

75th scranularity. Sorry, I fell asleep at my desk again...

ebiker said...

Great blog.

Vlad said...

In Russia, chain lubes you

babble on said...

You'd have thought that anything described as 'nano balls' would be a tough sell to any market, no matter how Fredly.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

So if I buy a $40 bottle of the nano-lube and also use a Ceramic Speed UFO chain, for less than $200 my bike will pedal itself?

Steroid abuse can give one nano-balls, or so I've heard.

I wonder if this combo could also bring Tarek and Christina El Moussa back together, their separation is really heartbreaking for me.

Anonymous said...

It makes me happy to know that people will bite the WD-40 bait.

Anonymous said...

Also this: use baby oil on your chain and cables, and petroleum jelly to repack hubs. I prefer the Vasoline brand. I keep each by the bedside, but far away from my now-expired latex tubes.

Freddy Murcks said...

Anon @1:48 - WD chain lube and the other bike-specific lubes that they have introduced to better separate freds from their money are not the same as WD40. WD40 is basically kerosene in an aerosol can. It's not lube and it was never intended to be lube. WD40 stands for 'Water Displacement, 40th formula.' It's a great cleaner but it is not a lubricant.

I have no beef with preference for Kirkland brand EVO. Although it should be noted that EVO is the world's most widely counterfeited food product, so it may not be safe to assume that it is 100% EVO.

dancesonpedals said...

Rub old candles on your chain. Paraffin baby.

Also buggers.

Anonymous said...

I use motor oil on my chain. I think that if it's good enough for my $20,000 car that I own now that I paid the bank back, I think it should be good enough for the $25 chain on my metal fred byke.

Marlon Brando said...

Sometimes a stick of butter can be a good lubricant. Make sure you have mutual consent between the luber and lubee though.

janinedm said...

I wonder if some of this is like women's luxury fashion where someone can't afford a Hermes bag or Chanel jacket and so spend $50 on a keychain or $300 on a belt...

Some guy from upstate said...


Toyota Yaris. Fuckin' auto-correct.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you've illustrated this blog post with Atlanta's own recumbent cyclist extraordinaire, Uwe Brockmann! He became "famous" for holding the 24 hour inline skating record and winning the 85 mile Athens to Atlanta inline skating race twice in the 80s. He transitioned to recumbents after a few years and now decimates weekend group rides from the seated position. A fascinating and colorful figure!

http://expressvitrier.fr/ said...

j'avais le plaisir de visiter ce blog.

Gina DSN Fiberglass said...

artikelnya sangat bagus,....

Antena Sirip Hiu Mobil
Handle Pintu Rumah Minimalis
Jasa Pembuatan whiteboard Videoscribe animasi

Central Park said...

WOW nice
Lifestyle at Central park

bloons tower defense 5 said...

Thanks for your post! I believe there are many who feel the same satisfaction as I read this article! I hope you will continue to have such articles to share with everyone!
happy wheels