Friday, June 3, 2016

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

First of all, by way of giving you plenty of advance notice, I'll be in the following places on the following days with my "book shill" switch locked in the ON position:

Thursday, June 16th: Portland, OR (River City Bicycles!)
Friday, June 17th: Seattle, WA (University Book Store!)
Saturday, June 18th: Walnut Creek, CA (Rivendell!)

This should give you plenty of time to weasel out of that wedding, birthday party, or Bar Mitzvah you foolishly said you'd attend.

Be there or be a geometric shape with four equal sides that meet at right angles.

Secondly, I enjoyed this entertainingly-written story about e-MTBs:

Though obviously I believe strongly that if you're a decent mountain biker you don't need one, and if you're a shitty mountain biker the last thing you need is a motor giving you more rope with which to hang yourself.  It's bad enough these hapless mountain Freds have all these bouncy bits and chairlifts and handlebar speakers and cameras so they can film themselves going off the same drop again and again while shouting, "Woo!" like a bunch of sorority sisters.  So why empower them even further?  Really, the only worse thing I can think of is a motor on a triathlon bike.

Lastly, here's the anatomy of a newspaper article:

1) Establish that the car hit the victim, not the driver:

A 15-year-old boy suffered minor injuries when he was hit by a car while riding his bicycle in Brockton Thursday afternoon, a fire official said.

The boy was struck by the vehicle shortly after 4 p.m. near the intersection of West Elm Street and Morse Avenue, said Brockton Fire Captain Jeff Marchetti.

2) Implicitly congratulate motorist for doing the bare minimum by sticking around:

The driver of the vehicle stopped, Marchetti said. The fire captain did not have any details on the driver, and did not know if the driver was charged in the incident.

3) Declare it an "accident" even though they don't know shit about what happened:

The fire captain did not know the cause of the crash.

Brockton police could not immediately comment on the accident.

Wait a week or two, then season with an op-ed about how roads aren't made for bicycles.

Forget all this #crashnotaccident stuff, I think it should be #oopsienotaccident.  If we called them "oopsies" and not "accidents" I think people would begin to understand how inappropriate the word accident is most of the time.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's fabulous, and if you're wrong you'll see someone fleeing with a TV.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and beware of Mountain Freds.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) A cyclist was recently attacked by a deranged knife-wielding assailant in flip-flops in which country?


2) Segway recently drew criticism for marketing their new miniPRO as a "hoverboard for white people."


3) What issue did Lennard Zinn of VeloNews have with the $499 Magura Vyron wireless seatpost?

--When approaching dropoffs he often found himself pushing the button repeatedly because he didn't know if his saddle is up or down, because apparently knowing where your saddle is is a problem that exists now
--The seatpost's remote control has three buttons and is confusing, because apparently confusing seatpost remotes is a problem that exists now
--It does not give him a "warm feeling inside" like his Audi does
--All of the above

4) What's the big hold-up with the Olympic velodrome?

--Health inspectors found Legionnaires' disease in the climate control system
--Nobody knows how to properly lay Siberian wood
--They built it with all right turns instead of all left turns
--Nobody can spend more than fifteen minutes in it without falling asleep because track racing is so boring

5) How does the VanMoof SmartBike ensure you "Arrive dry, every time?"

--It comes with an umbralla you can store inside the oversized top tube
--It comes with a full fairing
--It scans the weather forecast and notifies you via a smartphone app if rain is coming, because apparently people are now too lazy and/or stupid to check the weather themselves before going for a ride
--It features "Integrated Crotch-Cooling Technology" that blows cool air from a vent in the saddle directly onto your scranus or vulvanus

(Like the AARP, but for Freds.)

6) USA Cycling has parted ways with the anti-doping advisor who advised them to legalize doping.


7) Eddy Merckx may be charged by prosecutors for:

--His involvement in a doping ring
--Tax evasion
--Bribing the police
--Helping Sheikh Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain torture a dissident with a rubber hose

***Special "There Are No Wrong Answers"--Themed Bonus Question!***

Which of these two child-portaging systems is more awesome?


DB said...

Haven't read yet.

hillier99 said...


Lieutenant Oblivious said...

turd? scranus!

Dingbat said...

Flop ten.

Ted K. said...

138. Thus it is clear that the human race has at best a very limited capacity for solving even relatively straightforward social problems. How then is it going to solve the far more difficult and subtle problem of reconciling freedom with technology? Technology presents clear-cut material advantages, whereas freedom is an abstraction that means different things to different people, and its loss is easily obscured by propaganda and fancy talk.

Anonymous said...

Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.

N/A said...

I'm waiting for the audio version of the book. Sadly, I cannot read. It's my secret shame.

cdinvb said...

That does it. I'm out of here until Monday!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I vote Search for YOUR REG shark kit cyclist in Australia should add the carrying pole and 2 balancing babies in baskets to his setup, but use dolls, not real babies.

John Swanson said...

Top ten.

Anonymous said...

China wins that one. Its a bit like the jackass I passed on a local bike path with a fishing pole strapped horizontally to his back!

ken e. said...

twelve! twelve... twelve!

Schisthead said...

You are honest enough to call out 'accidents', why not call out 'mopeds' too?

leroy said...

My dog insists the correct answer to the first question should be "Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, Australia."

But I think he's just jealous because I told him his purported Friday quiz score was "fabulous" as in a secondary meaning of that word, sharing the same root as "fabulist."

Ride safe all!

And if it rains, take a Citibike.

grog said...

"No motorized vehicles"

the Commentariat said...

Poofter is not the preferred nomenclature, either...

bad boy of the north said...

Safety is no oopsie.but it could be a whoopsie-daisy.

21st Century Cave Art said...

G'day mate!

21st Century Cave Art said...

G'day mate!

Don Schaeffer said...

Snobster is too much of a woosie to come to Baltimore on his book tour. Better to stick to the safe, white cities of the Pacific Northwest.

BamaPhred said...

Not one word about Scrotal Lift. Who knew there was such a thing?

Bryan said...

Important skills are learned when one struggles up hills and over obstacles. The person who goes and buys an e-mtb just to stay with the fast riders will find themselves in some dangerous situations when the terrain gets technical.
If you wanna ride fast...go work for it! Most of us started slow. I started slow and overweight, and I am only slightly less slow and overweight but at least I know I am getting a good workout in when I climb hills.
My problem with ebikes isn't the ones who have some sort of condition that makes riding an otherwise impossible thing to do. It's with the people who are too lazy to make the effort to suck for awhile while they gain their fitness and in the process learn skills and make their mistakes going at a much slower pace. Loosing your line and crashing at 5-8 mph is a lot different than doing it at 15+ mph. Combine that scenario with being in a group of other fast riders who should rightfully expect you to have decent bike handling skills, then you lose your line or run into an obstacle and possibly take a few of them out as you go down.
You can't sweat not being able to ride out with the A Group as soon as you swing your leg over the top tube. That sort of speed takes practice, endurance, fitness, and aggression. I certainly don't hang with the A Group. Road riding I'm in the B, and mountain biking I'm mostly riding alone because most of my friends are much faster than me and are better at the technical stuff. I'm okay with that. I'll learn, and at some point I'll start to catch up. They're working too hard to really converse anyway - that's what the post ride beer is for!

Bryan said...

Thank you Leroy! I always think of that, too and you (or your dog, really) saved me from looking it up myself

N/A said...

Sometimes if it's hot and humid, you have to do the scrotal lift to take care of your batwings.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Schaeffer --

My dog asked me to remind you that one of the benefits of living in a diverse metropolis such as NYC is that you can get any type of food you can think of.

In Baltimore, you can get crabs.

(But I'm sure he meant good crabs. I mean, I think that's what he meant. I better ask him. He can be opaque sometimes.)

TMI said...

Men who are self-conscious and unhappy with the size or shape of their scrotum may feel as if they have no one to talk to because the subject is so personal and private. They may keep their thoughts about their bodies to themselves, even while it makes them self-conscious in the bedroom and uncomfortable during many different physical activities such as jogging, bike or motorcycle riding or horseback riding.

Most males elect to proceed with scrotal lift surgery, or scrotoplasty, because of scrotal tissue getting caught in swimwear or work out clothing, bicycle seats, interferes with their intimal life, or commonly, because it touches the toilet water when they sit down to have a bowel movement. Some patients elect to have it done for cosmetic reasons also.

Spokey said...

i'm charles boycotting podium runs. i do admit if i didn't suck so bad and could garner the podi, i'd be verbally strutting like ignatz mouse.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Happy Friday !!


dancesonpedals said...

The babies on a pole video had music. Much more awesome.

JLRB said...

giving a bike to the police officer’s wife.

Sounds dirty ...

I can't believe they are still investigating that old doper for a bike transaction from 2006-2007 - makes the Lance investigation look speedy

Spokey said...

hmmm. i'll be in portlandia on the 16th. but flying back that day. have to check the schedule (and i spose permission from peaches) but might be able to make the snobbie shill there. unless the new tsa shit requires i get to the airport 17.5 hours before my flight.

You do the do's, I do the drinking said...

Wedding means open bar, skip it, you craz?

How did they manage to have a baby given all of the layers of clothing people wore back then?

Anonymous said...

Having a bad day - I got question 1 wrong.

Southern Cali said...

West Coast trip, no LA, no San Diego???

CommieCanuck said...

I have no problem with electric bikes, Lance had one since '98.

Sorry, but Emerica, what the fuck. When mountain biking started, it was about going UP the mountain , then descending by gravity. Then, you guys started taking ski lift up the mountain, fueled by Mountain Dew. Now, even those few calories remaining are saved with an electric motor. Just lease a Hyundai already.
Ebikes need the David Byrne test. Does Byrne own an eBike? What if it were wind powered?

Eddy gave the crabon seatpost to the police officer's wife, ifyaknowhaddamean.


CommieCanuck said...

Not one word about Scrotal Lift. Who knew there was such a thing?

Clint Eastwood.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Don Schaeffer and Southern Cali,

This may blow your mind, but publishers don't always automatically send bike book authors on expensive 20-city tours. However, if you're sincerely interested in having me I'm overjoyed to go anywhere*, meet new people, and most importantly SELL SOME BOOKS, so if you're involved with a bike shop or bookstore or similar and want to set something up please reach out.

Though I realize this is the Internet so it's easier just to say stuff like, "What, not coming to XXX? You're a dick."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

*Almost anywhere, there are certainly places I don't wanna go, but Baltimore and Southern California are not among them.

bieks said...

Integrated Crotch-Cooling Technology - I'd back that on Kickstarter.

CommieCanuck said...

I heard 3/20 cities on the book tour were in Afghanistan. Emerging market for sarcasm.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

N/A said...

I'd complain about not having the esteemed EW, AKA BSNYC visit Cincinnati for a presentation of his artisanally-curated power point presentation, but if I'm being honest, the only thing more problematic in this area than somebody that reads books, is somebody that rides bieks. The whole thing would go over about as well as a handful of gravel in your tub of embrocation.

JB said...

I've been having trouble getting to the commenting portion of this here cycling blog for a while. I've missed the banter, and the Ted K posts.

Did anyone point out that we import tons of fancy Brazilian woods for our fancy floors and decks; so why does Brazil have to import wood from Siberia?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'd buy a jersey with that fantastic Ninja Attacks motif on it.

1904 Cadardi said...

Dear Mr. Snob,

Isn't it about time for another artisanally curated cockpit contest? I'm certainly not asking because I saw the crème de la crème of all handlebars the other day.

JLRB said...

What, you're not coming to DC - what a dick!

McFly said...

Isn't someone always coming in XXX?

Gordon said...

Are you up for a bike ride while you are in Seattle?

Gordon said...

Are you up for a bike ride while you are in Seattle?

bike bum said...

top 50, moving up the pack

Arizona redneck said...

Chinky bastard?

Arizona redneck said...

Swishy bastard?

McFly said...

I rode beiks in Devou Park Thursday morning. Where is all the dang trail there? I met Travis, a private Gulfstream pilot from Houston on a Speciali*ed and he was more lost than me.

Southern Cali San Diego Zip Code said...

Dear Mr. Bikesnob, I in no way, shape, or form, was implying you were a "dick" (unless you're in the arms of Ms. Devon, who would appear to be your prototypical Cali Beach Blond, in which case you would be an inflated dick, not just a literary dick).

More than willing to talk to our local bike shop, other than their ability to listen to an hours worth of sarcasm, what else would you require from said bike shop? Cup of coffee, someplace to stand (a podium seems to formal), screen for the power point presentation and and???

Southern Cali said...

PS Can you please bring, Babble, CC and Leroy's Dog with you too?

Southern Cali Calling, not London said...

CC at 320 zooms in for the win.

Little known rumored facts from the history of America in Bad Places: Hamid Karzai's brother was going to sponsor a bike race with one of the suitcases full of American cash (thanks CIA) that he smuggled out of the country once a month, but then the Tali's went and killed him.

I think we can book you into the San Diego Convention Center for the same night as Trump is giving a speech there, they're always nice, orderly, quiet affairs.

PS I pre"dict" that Trump will name Anthony Weiner as his running mate, the ticket will be called "Carlos and Danger".

Anonymous said...

Dick Nixon was the biggest dick this nation ever had rubbing against it's scrotum non stop for five years.

dop said...

My wife took me to a museum last night and I saw some great art. The crowd didn't appreciate it. They were at the other end of the gallery looking at this,, when they could have been admiring a fine, triple-cross-laced wheel on a twin crown fork .

Later, on our way to dinner, we passed a group of beat generation re-enactors chanting a funny poem.

Spokey said...

is that vincent's "starry night"?

frankly i find a show with a nicely laced wheel and a nice pic (is it on instagrammy?) very complementary.

dop said...

Friday nights free at Museum of Modern Art. So packed they should add olive oil.

Yes, that's Starry Night, down the hall from "Bicycle Wheel".

Spokey said...

that's one of my favorites. also fond of munch's the scream, bosch's garden of earthly delights, and dali's the temptation of saint anthony.

i have a 3x laced wheel too but like the others, a cheap print -

Spokey said...

no need for olive oil. just bring cipo in.

Spokey said...

just had to put a nonsense post in so I could grab the coveted metric centurion.

Spokey said...

and this one in case some fuck-o claims you round up

dop said...

A good art project would be to steal the wheel (steal the steel) and build up a bike around it. There are no records of what Duchamp did with the rest of the bike, so we'd have to get a cheap frame from Nashbar.. "The Bicycle Wheel" is over 60 years old, so I'm assuming a quill stem.

They replaced it twice, they're ready for an upgrade.

BamaPhred said...

Since Fabio "Mr Electric Motorio" is retiring think Cipo may be getting some competition as the premium supplier of lubricity.

Spokey said...

better to build a unicycle around the wheel (with quill stem). that way you won't have mismatched wheels. i gave away all but one of my quill stem bieks about 2 years ago. but that's an aluminum cannondale so probs no good.

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leroy said...

Dear Mr. dop --

I don't mean to brag, but I know the artist.

bad boy of the north said...

do you think "the van gogh bicycle path of Eindhoven" would work here in the US of A?

bad boy of the north said...

or as a certain borat would say "US and A".

dop said...

That was it for the weekend's posting? Some dick jokes, bicycle art and a phishing expedition?

Spokey said...

it is still the weekend until snobbie officially ends it with a post.

Some dick jokes, bicycle art and a phishing expedition?

what else it there except perhaps some devon / joe comments or boobie jokes?

Spokey said...

ok, i'll pose a serious question / topic

on saturday i donated blood. was going to pedal to it (and probably get in an argument with the health care workers) but spousy wanted to go to the health fair running at the same time so we took spousy's dino eater.

the nurse (or whoever) draining my blood said no exercise, running, bieking, gym etc etc for the rest of the day. spousy happened to hear that and so i didn't go out.

would you guys pay any attention to an admonition not to ride just from losing a pint of blood? i mean after all doesn't your spleen replenish that pretty much right away anyway?

when i was going to ride to it, i did consider arguing that they were suggesting that if i fainted (or something like that) that they thought it preferable that i was fainting in a deadly weapon and would likely cause serious injury or death to myself or others while if on a biek, i'd most likely skin my elbow.

JLRB said...

Spokey - I imagine it was standard party line they have to give to avoid liability. But I am not a doc.

I am about to pedal to my dentist appointment. perfect Monday morning activity.

N/A said...

Blood, like biek tires, is no good when the pressure is too high. The trick is to run low pressures and fill both systems with Stan's no tube.

You can trust me, I'm pre-Med.

N/A said...

I usually keep my blood running lean by doing some bourbon-doping. If I run the blood full-thickness, it's too sludgy and makes my epic rides a lot less gnar.
When I have to lose some blood for the doctors, they always tell me to come in clean, no racing-blood. After they get what they need, I take in a burrito and a tall tumbler of the good stuff to get back in shape for the rides.

Spokey said...


probably. but it doesn't make much sense. that is the liability of killing someone with the car vs road rash with a biek.

i biek to the dentist as well. except in the winter of course because i'm a wuss. but then they are not doing anything that could impact my locomotion skills. i'll have to think about that if i ever get a cavity done and have novocaine or something.

I also biek to my gp (again in non-winter). asked him once if there was any problem such as riding right before an appointment screwing up say blood pressure readings. his take was that i was better off riding and getting exercise for the health benefits.

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