Urban Newspapers Aren't Meant For Idiots

So some yutz at the Boston Globe has expectorated your typical, standard issue piece of anti-bike clickbait, and here's a fake link to it because fuck him:

(Boston was settled in 1630, dickbag.  They ain't meant for cars either.)

You know the drill by now:

Busy thoroughfares aren’t meant for cyclists. They are meant for the cars, trucks, and buses that transport the vast majority of people moving through the nation’s cities. Those vehicles weigh thousands of pounds, operate at 300-plus horsepower, and are indispensable to the economic and social well-being of virtually every American community. Bicycles can be an enjoyable, even exhilarating, way to get around. So can horses, skis, and roller skates. Adding any of them to the flow of motorized traffic on roads that already tend to be too clogged, however, is irresponsible and dangerous.

It's true, bicycles are the embolisms in the bloodstream of American commerce, and we're destroying our country's great cities (as well as the lesser ones like Boston) one pedal stroke at a time.

(Don't believe that stuff about bike lanes making streets safer and increasing business for local merchants, it's all lies.  And let's not forget real estate values.  Go price some apartments near bike lanes and get back to me, moneybags.)

Anyway, here's the guy who wrote it:

(This Just In: Moron Discovers Bikes Aren't The Same As Cars)

I wanted to learn more about how a creature this stupid managed to survive into adulthood, so I consulted a popular Internet search engine, from which I learned two (2) things:

Firstly, Boston's "Big Dig" was in fact a failed decades-long attempt to find Jacoby's brain:

Secondly, in 2014, Jacoby's son disappeared from his Orthodox Jewish day school in Brookline and turned up safe and sound in Times Square three days later:

The reasons for Caleb Jacoby's disappearance remain unknown, though police have said the teen ran away from home, and have closed their investigation, The Forward reported.

It's hard to imagine anyone would want to run away from someone with the obvious charms of Jeff Jacoby, so I suspect the truth is young Caleb, stifled by his repressive religious environment, simply wanted to ogle the controversial Desnudas of Times Square:

Of course, it's these same titillating Desnudas who have aroused our mayor's recent interest in tearing out Times Square's pedestrian plazas:

When New York City installed pedestrian plazas in Times Square six years ago, replacing traffic-choked streets with beach chairs and picnic tables, the move prompted civic controversy, late-night monologue jokes and, eventually, widespread praise as an influential innovation in urban design.

But as the city grapples with an influx of topless tip-seekers, the de Blasio administration has suggested an unexpected remedy: Remove the islands altogether.

Mayor Bill de Blasio said on Thursday that he would consider removing the plazas from the area in a bid to restore order to the crowded streets of the renowned Manhattan crossroads.

These are the same plazas that reduced pedestrian injuries by 40 percent.

In other words, Mayor Bill de Blasio and Police Commissioner William J. Bratton (both originally from the Boston area, go figure) would rather subject the public to physical injury than human breasts.

The upshot of all of this is clear: given Jacoby and de Blasio and Bratton's retrograde attitude towards the streets, there's clearly a direct line from people with stupid bullshit religious morals to moronic ideas about urban planning.

Speaking of the titillating and offensive, a commenter yesterday mentioned the Velo-whatever review of the $4,895 (!) "Speedvagen Urban Racer:"

The Speedvagen Urban Racer is a bike-path beauty, and it’s probably not something you want to leave locked outside your apartment overnight. It’s got all the goodies, from an integrated seatmast likely to tank the resale value — though this bike wasn’t built for resale — to an integrated chain-guard and distressed paint job (which adds $400 to the overall cost of the bike). This bike is all about fun, but it’s got some performance chops, too.

Okay, so it's a city bike too expensive to leave outside that handles like a race bike, yet it's also completely useless as an actual race bike.  And if that wasn't stupid enough, it's also got a $400 "distressed paint job:"

Though if you want to save some money you can skip the distressed paint, because if I ever see one of these things locked to a bike rack I plan to take a few swings at it with my chain lock.

You're welcome.

And how about that chain guard?

Looks very effective.  Just don't ever change chainrings, or expect it to be effective in any way.

And no, silly, of course you can't put racks on it:

Before plunking down cash on a pricey commuter like this, it’s important to think about what it’s great for, and what it’s not so great for. If you’re hauling groceries with bags and panniers, the Urban Racer is not up your alley. But if you’re looking to turn heads on the way to the bar or coffee shop, with the occasional huck off a curb or skid in the parking lot thrown in, throw a leg on this steel showman.

Please.  If you're looking to turn heads on the way to the bar or coffee shop, why not just ride there pantsless on a unicycle?  And if you want to commute on a race bike that's too nice to leave outside, why not just spend the $5,000 on an actual race bike and use that?

Sure, it won't have the stupid chain guard that looks like a mistake, but at least you'll get some derailleurs.

But of course no visit to Velo-whatever would be complete without checking in with Lennard Zinn and taking the pulse of Fredly anxieties--which are now increasingly centered around dick breaks:

Dear Lennard,
I have a 2009 Motobecane Cross Ti bike that my local bike shop converted from cantilevers to TRP Hy/RD brakes a few months ago. We also installed Stan’s NoTubes Grail wheels with a Spot Brand fork up front; the rear stays already had disc tabs. I ran through the recommended brake wear-in procedure, but after 5-10 miles I started feeling vibrations, most noticeably in the front, but also in the rear. Light braking doesn’t produce any vibes, but with medium or hard pressure I start feeling vibes front and rear at about 12 mph (high frequency, like the rotor cutouts hitting the pads) and getting progressively stronger and lower frequency until I can see the fork vibrating front-to-rear (~approximately 3mm) when the speed is down to 3-5 mph. At low speed it also produces a solid thunk-thunk sound that riders next to me have noticed.

Step aside Lennard, let me field this one.

Dear Delirium Tremens,

It sounds like you have spent a huge amount of money "upgrading" a mail order bike, with predicably disastrous results.  Fortunately there is a simple solution to your vibration problem, which is to put all your old parts back on.  You're welcome.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

As for "SRAM eTap," I didn't read that part, but it sounds like an Israeli name:

(Sram Etap receives a cursory dental inspection from a West Bank settler who moved from Midwood, Brooklyn four months ago.)

Lastly, Portland used to be the most awesome-tastic bike city in America, but lately they've fallen off the back--so much so that it's now news when the mayor rides a bicycle:

The headline certainly grabbed my attention, because I was hoping to see this:


But instead I saw this:

Oh, Portland.  How the mighty (smug) have fallen.  A Trek with no fenders?!?  This guy should be impeached!

Still, it's good to see that at least Portland's cyclists are maintaining their signature self-righteousness:

The ride to the bridge was mostly smooth and uneventful. Then, about three-fourths of the way over the bridge span, our group — which was riding at a social pace — was passed by a man riding very fast. He yelled something at us as he went by and was clearly angry that we slowed him down. He also spit on the ground in front us after he passed.

Once, while riding over the Hawthorne Bridge, a woman on a bike yelled at me for not signaling a turn.  If you're that woman, I will gladly pay for your travel and accommodation to visit New York City and ride here for one week.  That should give you some perspective.

Anyway, apparently the mayor's ride was quite an eye-opener:

Hales didn’t need an explanation. He could feel how uncomfortable and stressful his cycling environment had suddenly become. “What can we do about this!?” he asked.

He is referring, of course, to the footwear choice of Captain Mandals behind him:

What the hell are those things?!?

Seriously, you're going on a big PR ride with the mayor and you opt for shorts and the weird toe thongs?

But you know, at least he's wearing a helme(n)t.

Perspective indeed.