Thursday, June 2, 2016

I'm Going Places Soon! (Literally, not metaphorically.)



Well I had that dream where everyone can see through my translucent worn-out cycling shorts, and when my profound fear of public humiliation starts bubbling up from deep within my subconscious I know I must be getting ready to head out on some BRAs.  (That's "Book-Related Appearances," of course.)  So I'm pleased to announce I'll be taking a little micro-swing through the Pacific Northwest and the Bay Area.  Details are still taking shape, but in the interest of giving you plenty of notice here's the way it looks so far:

Thursday, June 16th


Portland!  (The one in Oregon.)  This event will be in conjunction with River City Bicycles.  Exact schedule to follow.  I'm trying to arrange it so that everyone who attends receives a free bicycle of their choice, and so far I'm pleased to report that there's a ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CHANCE that this won't happen.


Friday, June 17th


Seattle!  (Otherwise known as Portland's more corporate older sibling.)  I'll be at the University Book Store, which I fondly remember from my visit way back in 2010.  So come back and see how badly six years has ravaged me.


Saturday, June 18th


This is huge.  HUGE!  I'll be at Rivendell in Walnut Creek, CA.  It's such a big deal you've got to RSVP.  I can't promise we won't be unveiling the new Rivendell lugged steel dropper post, though I promise we won't be unveiling the new Rivendell lugged steel dropper post, which is a thing that will never, ever exist.  (Though if it did you would totally activate it with a handlebar-mounted bellows.)  I should also say that if you only read two (2) bikey books in your life they should be mine and "Just Ride" by Grant Petersen, though if you only have time to read one let's be honest, it should probably be "Just Ride" by Grant Petersen:


Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to visiting the exotic western half of the United States, and don't miss these events because after this you'll probably never hear from me again.

Speaking of self-promotion, Transportation Alternatives were kind enough to invite me to a little "swar-ay" at their offices last night, where I gave a little PowerPoint seminar and managed to sell at least 15 key TransAlt supporters pre-owned Hyundais:


Selling cars is all about tapping into new markets, baby.

That and dousing yourself in Axe body spray.

In all sincerity it was extremely kind of them to have me, and as the father of seventeen (17) human children it was a genuine pleasure to drink beer after sundown in glamorous Manhattan in a room full of grown-ups, even if some of them were wearing Birkenstocks.  (Not to mention unrestricted access to a seemingly bottomless supply of cheese cubes and toothpicks with which to spear them.)

Thanks to TransAlt and everyone who came.

Moving on, a number of people have informed me that an anti-doping advisor to USA Cycling is advising them to allow doping:


A British academic who advises USA Cycling on anti-doping issues says that the blood-boosting agent EPO should be made legal, as should blood transfusions.

Paul Dimeo, who lectures at the University of Stirling, maintains that anti-doping regulations currently in force are outdated, counter-productive and have little effect, reports The Times [£] (link is external).

The academic, who is chair of the USA Cycling Anti-Doping Committee, advocates the safe use of EPO to help the performance and recovery of athletes and believes that tennis players and cyclists should be permitted to undergo blood transfusions, currently banned other than for medical reasons.

Wait a minute.  So as of this year USA Cycling now assesses its membership an "anti-doping surcharge:"


Meanwhile, they're (presumably) paying an advisor who says stuff like this:

“There are some studies which state that low doses of EPO improve cardiac function,” he insisted. “A whole generation of cyclists used a lot of EPO and they have survived to tell the tale.

“If we understood the dosages and the timing of dosages then maybe it would be relatively safe. Would an athlete mind taking a small amount of a drug that has been trialled and medically approved?”

He also believes that blood transfusions, administered under medical supervision, could help athletes.

It's been a couple years since I held a racing license, but if I still did I'd be seriously pissed off.  It's the same way you'd feel as a taxpayer if the US provided military aid to a country who then attacked us--though fortunately such a scenario would never occur in real life.

Anyway, here's the advisor's reasoning for allowing blood transfusions:

Dr Dimeo also backed the introduction of blood transfusions, which boost oxygen-carrying capacity, saying: “It’s safe, of course, because it happens all the time in hospitals. They would help recovery between the stages of a bike race or rounds of a tennis tournament.

“What is the harm if we know there is a doctor on hand, that everything is clean and sterilised and the blood comes from the right place? People will say it’s cheating, because not everybody can get access to that, but that’s not the same as saying it’s harmful.”

Can't argue with that.  After all, nothing has ever gone wrong with blood transfusions in hospitals, so logically it will be that much safer when Doctor Vinnie Boombatz is doing it in the back of the team bus.  I mean sure, they're doing it anyway, but turning it into a prerequisite doesn't sound like a very good idea:

Opponents of relaxing rules surrounding banned substances point out that there is a risk of causing harm to the health of young athletes desperate to progress in their sport, and that even if some practices were made legal there would still be people looking to gain a competitive edge by breaking the rules, such as exceeding any maximum permitted doses.

But Dr Dimeo said that while use of performance enhancing drugs or methods that are currently banned would have to be carefully monitored should their use be permitted, there should be “a middle ground between making a big deal over relatively harmless drugs — and punishing people who have done relatively little wrong — and catching organised, systematic cheats.

Seems to me this is sound policy for legalizing recreational drugs, which I'm fine with.  However, we're not talking talking about real life here.  We're talking about sports.  The whole point of sports is that it's a bunch of people who agree to follow a bunch of stupid rules--just like religion.

Then again, maybe it is a good idea.  After all, if USA Cycling legalizes EPO and blood transfusions then there's not a single parent alive who would let their kid into bike racing.  This would completely kill junior racing once and for all, and USA Cycling would instead simply become a cycling club exclusively for overly-competitive Masters racers who can afford $10,000 racing bikes and regular testosterone treatments at anti-aging clinics--which is pretty much what it is anyway.

Lastly, via the comments section yesterday, Australia continues to live up to its well-earned reputation as the worst country on the planet for cyclists:


Holy shit, wielding a knife in flip-flops?!?


Wow, Australia really is the Florida of the southern hemisphere.

It's both horrifying and pathetic that someone would go to such lengths to "protect" their stupid fucking car (to say nothing about being psychotically impatient on a virtually empty road):


There's simply no excuse for this sort of reaction, and not even the cyclist's outfit is justification for the assault:


Laughter, sure.  But not a fucking knife attack.

By the way, perhaps most disturbing of all, according to the video description this swashbuckling Parrothead--who threatened to knife someone for merely existing--was only fined $1,500.

That's only about three and a half times more than the fine in New South Wales for cycling without a helmet.

Good to see they've got things in perspective down there.

76 comments:

Paul Bowen said...

Oh yeah baby.

BamaPhred said...

Podiodio

Anonymous said...

Podium!!

Anonymous said...

Wowsa

Anonymous said...

Top 10?

Anonymous said...

Swa-ray my way to the top 10!

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Reggie said...

Link to the Parrotheadvideo?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Top Tendrils! Snobby's getting too big for us. He is a literary Star!

Vernal Magina said...

In first with, Now that's a knife!"

Chris said...

Will you be taking the train from Portland to Seattle? It's a lovely ride, and you can even bring your bike.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

I strava-ed, therefore I did ...


vsk

82medici said...

Reggie - he said that it was in yesterday's comments. Go there, search for "Australia." Done.

Want me to cut your meat, too?

trama said...

Nice book tour! I'd make a pilgrimage to Walnut Creek for the "event", but I would have to drive, and that's a shit activity. You won't miss me.
I'm in a bad mood today, mostly related to self-loathing, so it's a pretty solid case and unlikely to yield anything positive.

Hey, on the news I saw that the Great Barrier Reef is bleaching out in a terrible way. Maybe this is what is making everyone over there turn chippy, and stabby.

CommieCanuck said...

Southern climates cause brain disease.
The first symptom is men in sleeveless shirts, followed by the second symptom: flip-flips, this leads to brain dysfunction starting in the verbal control regions, spewing gibberish like, " streuth, his spudbar use was fair dinkum". By the time they are riding a Harley in chaps, it's all over.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Vernal Magina --

In point of fact, my dog made a similar observation at 11:44 AM and it cost me $5.

This morning's news.


Lieutenant Oblivious said...

17th and read it!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

If'n you'd ever come to Cleveland again I'd venture up to see another of your ahhhsum power point presentations. But I hear ya. Once is probably enough.

JLRB said...

After all, if USA Cycling legalizes EPO and blood transfusions then there's not a single parent alive who would let their kid into bike racing.

I think you are putting too much faith in parents - if any of your 17 kids are subjected to little league baseball you should know better. Some of the parents would inject their kids with CIPO juice if they thought it would improve sporting performance.

Anonymous said...

three words: richard's bicycle book. beat you AND grant peterson to the table by 40ish years.

dcee604 said...

You're not coming back to Vancouver? Come on, we've got more bike lanes since your last visit.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Two wrongs don't make a right and two assholes don't make a scranus (although it seems two assholes can make a US presidential election). The Australian cyclist with his lead acid battery powered motorcycle airhorn and front and rear video cameras was clearly out to prove something. He could have made his point better (although I'm not completely sure what his point is - drivers don't respect cyclists?) without swerving out to obstruct cars passing him. Also the cyclist made a shitty move at the yield sign/roundabout by passing the car while it was stopped. Luckily the cyclist wasn't the victim of an unanticipated salami slicing. Machete flip flop guy was fined $1,500, but ultimately this kind of behavior by cyclists just creates more hate for cyclists among the general population.

babble on said...

K, so two things: Dear Mr Snobberdoodums: Please tell me that all of your BRA's are full of boobies.

and: I was verbally assaulted recently by a middle aged Australian visitor to Vancouver (his deeply ashamed and apologetic wife explained) who was walking on the BIKES ONLY side of the Burrard St bridge, right down the middle of the path so that passing him was seriously problematic. He was looking for a fight, and made it abundantly clear that he hates those of us on two wheels with passion. Why? Because we are so entitled, and we never follow the rules of the road. I stopped to point out that he was in a lane clearly and abundantly defined as a bike specific route, but he continued to rant, so I left. Dunno what it is about the land down under, but their attitude toward us is just ugly. Crazy.

BUT. What the actual fuck is up with the cyclist in that video swerving out to the middle of the road to prevent the admittedly neanderthal motorist from passing?? I will say it again. THAT is a man in line for the Darwin award. No wonder motorists are hating on him. He gives us a bad name.

babble on said...

or in other words. Ditto.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

JLRB @2:11 - Amen, you've got high school pitchers looking forward to their first Tommy John surgery as a right of passage - something once thought of as a hail mary play to save a major league pitcher with years to go on a big money contract.

hoghopper said...

"People will say it’s cheating, because not everybody can get access to that, but that’s not the same as saying it’s harmful."

So according to a USA anti-doping official, cheating is OK as long as it doesn't threaten athlete health. Got it. Thanks USA Cycling, or USADA, or whoever. It's been nice knowing you.

BamaPhred said...

Ditto, with an "ass to risk"
Dick move at roundabout does not equal ninja-jumping out of car with a knife.
That could have gone poorly for the car driver, no matter how tough he may think he is.
Just depends on who you cross paths with.
But not yours truly.
You want the road? Your're welcome to it. Just don't run over me, that's all I ask.

N/A said...

Maybe you can get some BSNYC logo'ed wool undies to autograph at the Riv scene.

N/A said...

"That ain't beausage in those shorts, Grant."

Grump said...

If this happened in America, the cyclist would have pulled out his gun and shot the knife guy dead.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Lieutenant Oblivious,

My take on it was that drivers are speeding past him and cutting him off going into roundabouts. (There's a roundabout by me, drivers do love to do that.) Sort of the same as how drivers speed past you to turn right, which sets you up for the ol' right hook. So he's defending his position.

And yeah, sure, sooner or later maybe someone's going to get angry at him, but there is absolutely no defending that driver's batshit crazy reaction--and the fact that people see it as the inevitable result of a motorist being inconvenienced shows how far gone we are.

They should put that guy somewhere and figure out what's wrong with him before he attacks someone for bumping his cart at the supermarket.

--Wildcat Etc.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I once shanked a guy for looking at me funny, but hey, he had it coming to him...

Schisthead said...

Almost got right hooked by someone realizing they couldn't turn left because they were trying not to hit the idiot salmon across the street.

That's my favorite close call. Idiot in car avoids idiot on bike by nearly hitting idiot who was actually paying attention to how traffic is supposed to work.

Murica!

Stinky Cat Food said...

flip flop guy thinks hes King Leonides LOL

dop said...

That cyclist in the shark shirt seemed like a nice guy when we met him.

NinjaKnifeMerleHaggard said...

I'm sitting here in prison just waiting for parole
I tried to knife a Fred, I really tried, I really tried
But my knife was bigger than my brain and the sheriffs hauled me off
Now all I can do is sit in my cell and wank and cry, wank and cry

BikeSnobNYC said...

dop,

Oh my god!

--Wildcat Etc.

Winky said...

Lieutenant Oblivious,

You're joking, right. The Cyclist was taking the lane to avoid being squashed at the pinch point caused by he road furniture. Motorists are generally unaware of the girth of their vehicles, so it is vital to leave them no doubt as to whether there is room or not. If you really, really don't want them to come past, you have to move to the centre of the lane like this guy did. Until the car-loving-knife-ninja types show up. Then nothing works. The psychotic impatience of this guy, as well as his self-professed man-car love makes me fearful for his sanity, and the lives of those he may encounter in the future. He should have been locked up for the protection of himself and of others.

Winky said...

dop,

Incredible photograph. Just what is the collective noun that applies to Freds? A "crabon" of Freds? A "doppio" of Freds? A "chamois" of Freds?

1904 Cadardi said...

Right you are JLRB,

Why do we have juniors racing anyway? By their second season at least 75% of all the junior racers I knew were just racing vicariously for a pushy father that somehow couldn't bring himself to buy a masters license. Maybe that's the solution: The Vicarious Racing League, parents sponsor a third world orphan to climb on, click in and dope up.

pqbuffington said...

I second that, WcRM…it is pretty obvious (to my horribly damaged psyche, at least) that the SUV driver was attempting to overtake the cyclist in a very aggressive and threatening manner, if not deliberately trying to crash him.

The cyclist, or any vehicle for that matter, generally has the right-of-way over any passing vehicle, most especially coming into a traffic control like a round-about.

As noted in the video intro, the driver broke the law by crossing a double-white line. In this case, the double-white line to prevent head-on collisions between those entering the round-about and those leaving it.

Everything on the driver’s part was done to create this confrontation.

I have had similar situations where, like in the video, on a wide and open street (less chance of witnesses?) a driver begins honking and/or accelerating toward me while a full block or so behind. When they come alongside, they act as if you created some near “accident” situation. Then, look out…a steering wheel jerk in your direction, or intentionally cutting you off is very likely.

You are pretty much damned in these situations no matter what you do. Yielding to psychopaths does not necessary placate them, often just the opposite. Standing your ground, keeping your line, etc. is usually best, but you never know what the hell someone like this is going to do…

P. Bateman said...

the similarities between australia and flordia are indeed strong and scary.

@grump - your right though, the one key difference is here a guy pulling a knife is VERY likely to be met with a guy/gal pulling a gun.

like in indiana jones.

i definitely have thought something like a little ruger lcp would be nice to have for just such an insane encounter.

Anonymous said...

Populate a hot island with pasty faced Anglos and you get rage...that explains Australia and cycling.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

OK I went and watched the flip flop knife guy video some more. My old eyes being what they are, the perspective from the two cameras both vying for my limited attention, the forward camera seems to be helment mounted - causing excessive bobbing downward during the swerve-out moves, and being on the other side of the road in the land down frumunda I must not fully comprehend what's happening. He makes his swerve-out into the lane 3 times before the roundabout. The first time time, the SUV with flip flop knife guy is way back from the cyclist and the roundabout is still far ahead. The second time, they are closer together and closer to the roundabout, the third time they are at the roundabout. So cyclist should have just moved out once at the appropriate time and held the lane if he felt he shouldn't be cut off going into the roundabout. But he didn't and so the car passed him and cut him off. Then though, cyclist speeds through the roundabout to get in front of the motorist again and starts the swerve-out moves all over, when he could just hold his line on the side and let flip flop guy pass and go on his way. All that combined with the videos and the horn says ass to me.

Flip Flop Knife guy is a way bigger ass though, no doubt.

And I also noticed the cyclist had the same shark kit as one of our own proud Gran Fondon't-ers, but on account of a somewhat questionable photo of our shark guy I took down from imgur I wasn't going to say anything.

Anonymous said...

1) Visit San Diego. You might actually enjoy it, and there's lot's to keep your 17 kids busy.

2) Paul Dimeo is a moron. Transfusions are actually quite dangerous. If your online subscription to the Archives of Pathology and Laboratory Medicine is active, go check out http://www.archivesofpathology.org/doi/10.1043/0003-9985%282000%29124%3C0061:PPFTRM%3E2.0.CO;2?url_ver=Z39.88-2003&rfr_id=ori%3Arid%3Acrossref.org&rfr_dat=cr_pub%3Dpubmed&

A tale of two nations said...

Love the way video man assumed the Ninja Fighting Position. They have universal health care down under, going all psycho is covered too. This would never happen in Canada, where people go out of their way to be polite, "you go first", "no, you go first", "no, no, after you", etc, etc (typical Wreck Beach conversation).

bad boy of the north said...

there must be a way to capture the flip-flop ninja and add him to the cast of characters..."that's not a bike,this is a bike".

Anonymous said...

www.point83.com/forum

those kids ride, have drinks, start a bonfire, and have general bike merriment every thursday night (for the last 12ish years). it's a riot.

join up if you're in town at that point. meet at westlake at 7pm, ride at 730. we can probably get you a bike too if you need a loaner

Anonymous said...

Good to see Babble here again...

I've been drivin' all night, my hand's wet on the wheel said...

Nothing like combining a gas fueled internal combustion engine with an alcohol fueled homo sapien.

Crickey7 said...

I might be unclear on the concept, but aren't you supposed to hold the pointy end in front of you, not behind you?

Ev said...

That blood transfusion business will prove to be a conundrum for the Jehovah's Witnesses who want to race bikes..

Also, 'Straya.

bad boy of the north said...

that diet ad(the one with the drawing of the plus-sized woman)has been around months.stupid ad.
anyways,went on longish ride,thirty-five give or take miles,today.well,it's longish for me.soooo.....made it to bear mountain inn and back,unscathed.most drivers moved safely away.one or two fuck-os came awfully close.no ninjas from wanker county,and no one yelled"get indaditch".so,i had that going for me.

HDEB said...

Anonymous at 5:37 has a good idea IMHO. What if the commentariat used this comments thread to invite each other on rides? Of course there are 1,234 other venues to do this but...

dancesonpedals said...

At my hospital, Jehovah's witnesses who need elective surgery get force fed iron and shots of epo. If only there was a similar solution for bike riders.

dancesonpedals said...

Not to be confused with women in biblical times who suckled other women's children. (Jehovah's Wetnurses)

Vic said...

Western Australia is a state like Florida. New York is not America. Australia is not Florida. Perhaps even try grouping these people by something other than country. Like...aggressive males in big cars with stand in objects. I think they are world wide.

bad boy of the north said...

oh,yeah,methinks I spotted my first e-mtn bike.while I was passing another cyclist on the road going the other way,i thought I heard a dragonfly nearby.nope,the buzz was coming from the other bike.maybe it had playing cards attached to the fork by clothespins to play against the spokes,vroom vroom style.or mayble it was that dragonfly.

Mark S said...

Most Honorable Snobness

Please be advised that Seattle WA is not the older brother of Portland OR. The founders of European heritage of Seattle (not to be confused with the native folks who had already been in the area for 4000+ years) arrived from Illinois via Portland OR in November, 1851. Portland has been in existence since the early 1840s with the arrival of their founders of European heritage.

Since I know you would rather drink your good Portland brewed beverages instead of having them poured on your head, I would suggest you not mention this when you are in our fair city. Keep Portland Weird!

Michael Asay said...

OMG for Portland!! I don't normally get giddy and shit my pants with excitement, but I just did. Can't wait to bask in the cult of Snobbie . . .

bieks said...

What's the saying? Never bring a bike to a SUV fight? Driving makes people angry. Give the angry people a wide berth. Well, unless you consider that no fun. Then, have at 'er.

@ A tale of two nations - that could totally happen in gun-control-Canada. Heck some Canadians (e.g. drug dealers) even carry hand guns.

ken e. said...

where is my e.m.p. gun dammit! pew pew!

JC said...

That cyclist may be a dick but his manoeuvring for position to avoid being squeezed off the road isn't evidence of it. What else are you supposed to do when approaching a roundabout? Hug the kerb and hope for the best?

That ninja probably isn't drunk. Being in WA not only does he belong to a community that most others consider the country's worst drivers, but there's every chance he's off his face. Meth is the drug of choice for our cashed-up-bogans, you see. And what a social drug it is.

Persia said...

Yes, Western Australia is a red-neck frontierland, quite different to the eastern states.

The Roads Minister in New South Wales is a goose, who is trying to turn back the tide, like that Mayor of Toronto fellow and who will fail.

Our roads people here in the Athens of the South have just said they are going to review their roundabout designs to make them more like Dutch ones, for the sake of cyclists. So there is progress going on in places.

Show motorists some respect said...

I think those defending the dick move of that cyclist who moved into the center of the lane are maybe forgetting that good respectful cyclists who know their place **always** move to the back of the bus when they are told to.

In regards to pinch points and prime position. When I was approaching one I had a charming Australian driver accelerate violently towards me, lean on the horn and try to hit me, only to then immediately pull into the gutter jump out of his car and say "You got a fucking problem with that ya fucking c***". Charming indeed.

Say Uncle said...

If two cyclists are burning the stop signs at a four way stop intersection, who has the right of way? Does the guy on the right hold sway, or since you're breaking laws, does the guy with the biggest knife win?

Reggie said...

Could you chew it for me, too?

Thad White said...

Dude, Walnut Creek? That's a hike (i.e., long car drive) for anyone in San Francisco or on the Peninsula. Would be great if you'd visit somewhere in SF or Palo Alto.

benDE said...

I had a guy pull that exact same move coming into a roundabout in Germany here the other day. I'm a pretty good bike handler so I latched on to his window frame and loudly questioned in English what the fuck he was up to. I think the English threw him a bit because it took him a good 7 seconds to recover enough to extend his middle finger wielding hand up through the moon roof.

They shoot cyclists don't they? said...

And another recent cycling rage video from Down Under for your viewing pleasure.

This comment from it just about sums up the cycling climate in Australia:-

"I wonder, would that primitive testicle pull his knife out had it been a mother with child in the bicycle seat? Not that they can ride a bicycle in Australia. Oh no. They would have to put at least 20 fucking helmets on their fucking skulls in fucking Australia to step out their fucking front door. Maybe make some more laws people can cry about like little babies. Why is it so fucking difficult to simply pass a cyclist at safe distance. Why the fuck do you need a measuring tape to do so? Imbecile country."

BikeSnobNYC said...

Thad White,

A hike, really? You know, I'm coming from New York. Now THAT'S a hike.

The BART goes right to Rivendell, you know.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

JC - pretty good link to top five meth facts at the end of that article you posted - the ugly face of meth always took some of the fun out of breaking bad - but i still had to binge watch it...

Maybe the US Dope Association will recommend the nazi meth pills as a harmless form of cheating for cyclists.

Knife boy was definitely a crazy ass - I'd like to think I would slow and let him pass during the first instance of aggressive behavior - but fight or flight triggers are hard to predict

JLRB said...

bring a knife to a gun fight

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