Monday, June 6, 2016

No time for titles, let's go, go, go!

Good morning!  It's Monday?  Aren't you excited?

Today's bike maintenance tip comes from pro cyclist Chris Horner, who shows you how to fix a dropped chain:



I'm not sure why he's so angry.  After all, nobody told him to keep racing professionally after winning the Vuelta a España at 41 years old, which isn't suspicious at all.  Actually, I'm pretty sure everybody told him not to continue racing, which is why it took him so long to find a team.

Anyway, after throwing the bike, he also kicks his water bottle with the force of at least two (2) Diminutive Frenchman Units (DFUs):


It's a bit of an awkward display, though I suppose he deserves credit for doing it in road shoes without losing traction and falling over backwards.

Meanwhile, in other tech news, watch this video and tell me that this isn't the most ridiculous tire system you've ever seen:

Or, don't watch the video and just read the review instead:


Expensive?

Fiddly???

One hundred and fifty-seven of your Great British pounds, which is well over two hundred American Fun Tickets?!?



So is that per wheel or what?  Oh, never mind, who cares?  I'll take three, thankyouverymuch!  (That's one for each wheel and then an extra for my all-terrain unicycle.)

Anyway, if you've ever longed to mount a tire, and then mount another tire on that same wheel, and then have to inflate each tire separately with a "dual-position valve" then this is the system for you:

The idea behind Schwalbe’s Procore system is simple – use a small volume, high pressure inner ‘tyre’ to protect the rim from the inside and lock the edges of any 2.3in or larger tubeless-ready tyre in place so it can’t burp air or burst against the rim and provides a more stable ride feel too.

The price is huge for what’s essentially a tubeless kit with a couple of unique dual-position-valve inner tubes and inelastic Procore liner ‘tyres’, but as long as your rims are more than 23mm wide internally and you follow the instructions exactly, setup is simple.

If you think about it, this is the natural evolution in the #whatpressureyourunning arms race.  Now, when someone asks you The Question, you can reply even more smugly by asking, "What do you mean?  In my outer tire, or in my Schwalbe Procore inner?"

For best results, raise and lower your dropper post as you regard them condescendingly.

Plus, with two (2) tires per wheel, you can now spend the bulk of your riding season dialing the goddamn things in:

The next bit is more tricky, because the system is incredibly sensitive to pressure changes. Just 5psi can separate a tyre that feels normal in terms of roll, grip and cornering shape from one with a flaccid, mushy footprint that gives amazing grip and rollover in rock or root-infested sections but stumbles in corners and fumbles lines.

To complicate matters further, the super-narrow pressure sweet spot can be anywhere from 10 to 25psi, depending on your riding tastes/style, rim width, the volume and carcass character of your tyres and how much pressure you run in the Procore inner (50 to 80psi is recommended, but check your rim’s pressure limit, particularly on carbon hoops).

Amazing.  You should have it all figured out by winter, at which point you'll have to move the whole shebang over to your stupid fat bike.

Of course, it's tempting to think that as cyclists we're the biggest weenies alive, but it turns out equipment tech is killing the spirit of curling as well:


As Gushue tells NPR, the new brooms scratch the ice, giving some sweepers the ability to alter the direction of the rock unlike ever before. "And really it's just allowed top players too much control to the point where it was actually difficult to miss some shots on line," he says.

Players got upset about the new form the game was taking. "You really shouldn't be able to steer a rock down the sheet. That's not curling," Emma Miskew, an Olympic medal winner and Canadian women's title winner, told the Ottawa Citizen.

Wow.  Naively I'd just assumed that curling was the last bastion of sporting integrity.  Now it turns out they're just one step away from mechanical doping, which I assume would involve someone in the stands surreptitiously manipulating the stone with a remote control.

Also, it sounds like curling has its fair share of Broom Freds:

So curlers and manufacturers gathered in Kemptville, Ontario last week to try to find solutions — with science. At the World Curling Federation Sweeping Summit, athletes and researchers tested more than 50 different types of brooms and sweeping methods. Researchers even used robots as a way to launch stones in a measurable way, and GPS technology to "map rocks," Gushue says. The National Research Council of Canada supervised the testing, according to the WCF.

Obviously lots of regular Freds buy expensive race bikes and use them only for charity rides and piddling along on the bike path.  I wonder if it's the same with Broom Freds, and if some of them buy top-of-the-line curling brooms and then use them to sweep their front porches.

Let's just hope Chris Horner doesn't take up curling, since the last thing we need is him out there on the ice chucking brooms.

Lastly, from Australia, here is the magpie helmet defense system you've been waiting for:


Australia: if the magpies don't get you, the ninjas will:



89 comments:

Bromptonaut said...

Podium!

Vernal Magina said...

zomg.

Synonymous said...

Bronze. Gotta get a job.

Dooth said...

My tyres' carcass character got me a top ten.

billyhacker said...

zinc!

Two Claws said...

Two Claws Up!

N/A said...

I'm excited AF!

Anonymous said...

Back when I was a curler, the trick broom was the one with the hollow shaft, usually filled with whiskey.

N/A said...

The Schwalbe "tyre-within-a-tyre" (tires, assholes) seems suspiciously like another bikeen product which is colloquially known as an "innertube".

Spokey said...



top tempest

Anonymous said...

I made the top 10 comments, but I did it clean, unlike you keyboard dopers.

N/A said...

I have a full-crabon curling broom with Boost 148 and electronical shifting.

NHcycler said...

"Researchers even used robots as a way to launch stones in a measurable way, and GPS technology to "map rocks," Gushue says."

I didn't know GPS was accurate enough to do that. I'd think just an inch or three would be significant enough to win or lose in a tight match.

Anonymous said...

RAPHA...!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Sranus Lift!

N/A said...

This Pro-Core thing really has me scratching my head. Dual-position valves? No way that will ever fail out on the trail. Also, will you need a special pump head or something?


One thing we won't have to worry about is that going to the road segment of bieks. Tri-dorks and other Freds can't even figure out regular valves. Can you imagine the endless pile of empty CO2 cartridges that will been ejaculated prematurely all over the place as the Freddies try to fill up both of their tyres (tires, assholes)?

Anonymous said...

Apparently it's the shininess of bike helmets that inspire the Australian magpies to attack cyclists. They don't go after people not wearing helmets.

Spokey said...

how was the conclusion of the tyre movie? i fell asleep around 5:45 when he was dismounting the outer tire after mounting it.

did the hero win?

NHcycler said...

"The idea behind Schwalbe’s Procore system is simple – use a small volume, high pressure inner ‘tyre’ to protect the rim from the inside and lock the edges of any 2.3in or larger tubeless-ready tyre in place so it can’t burp air or burst against the rim..."

A solution searching for a problem.

"Burping" may be a problem in a race; otherwise, just pump in some air if this happens. As for "protect(ing) the rim from the inside", how often does a rim-damaging hit happen, really? I may not know what I'm typing about, but I'd think mountain wheelset manufacturers know something about durability.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hint to Chris Horner: when fixing a dropped chain, it helps IMMENSELY to be on the drive-side of the bike.

BamaPhred said...

I quit blaming my equipment when my parents quit payin for it. Maybe Horner ought to grow up himself. The number of ways to make something simpler by making it more complicated makes my head numb.

dem_bieks! said...

NHcycler,

Certainly not your cycling computer. But you can get some very fancy GPS units that would do this. What a Fred-tacular scene that must have been.

We aren't even close to peak Fred with dual-tires that are sensitive to 5psi changes. In fact, we are just getting started. Full credit to the engineering team that got it to work. That's pretty amazing.

I had a celebrity siting this week. Lone Wolf was reclining next to his fat bike holding court. I can die peacefully now.

acquiesce808 said...

bike throw was just meh -- 4/10 (a ten being Riis' 'roid rage pinarello chuck from the last century). looked like shimano neutral service just rolled on by like he took their racing jobs or something...

JLRB said...

Electric motors do not work well with the chain disengaged

balls™ said...

Has cycling always had this much useless "tech" or did I just pay for it without knowing back when I was a much younger Fred?

I guess I do remember thinking that MTB suspension was a fad.

Spokey said...


i can't remember the last time i had to stop for a dropped chain. i do drop one every couple months or so. if it happened more often, i guess i'd put in the herculean effort to open my toolbox, pull out a screwdriver, and adjust the limit screws.

but being lazy i live with it.

when i lose a chain*, i just move the shift lever over and continue to pedal. the chain puts itself back on the ring.

* never lose it on the rear. i guess someone managed to get those limit screws right.

Anonymous said...

When the world gives you lemons just kick the bottle.

dop said...

Spokey-

Just read your earlier post. Your spleen doesn't replenish blood. In the hours after donation, your body will retain fluid and you'll replace the volume lost. It takes a few weeks for your marrow to make more cells.

A kid at Sleepy Hollow High donated a pint at the school blood drive, then ran in the NY State High School championships the next day. Finished off the podium, not a personal best, and a reminder of the pitfalls of reverse blood doping. (He was 18, we're not.) I.

Grump said...

Horner's video can't be beat.
What kind of rookie can't shift a chain back on a chainring, on the move????

As for that tire thingy, I seem to remember, some 20 years ago, cross country mountain bike racers would often drill a second presta hole in their rims, and insert a second "back up" tube in the tire. If they flatted the main tube, they would just inflate the "back up" tube.

Anonymous said...

Seems that tire thingy is similar to the Tubliss system that's been available for dirt bikes for quite a while now

Chris Horner said...

You wanna know what else is flaccid and mushy...? A lifetime of doping coupled with piloting a racy fred sled has had its consequences.

N/A said...

Little Chris Horner
sat in a corner,
impotent rage inside.
His chain went asunder,
E'rybody laughed at his blunder.
And that's how his water bottles died.

CommieCanuck said...

Poor Chris Horner, all those years of doping has frayed his nerves, and his old-school style just doesn't jive with the strain of modern drive trains with all that electric motor torque.

I seem to remember, some 20 years ago, cross country mountain bike racers would often drill a second presta hole in their rims, and insert a second "back up" tube in the tire. If they flatted the main tube, they would just inflate the "back up" tube.

This is still done in road racing. If a rider gets tired, he just switches on his electric "back up" legs.

CommieCanuck said...

bike throw was just meh -- 4/10

4/10 is undoped, pot belge will get you 9-10.

Spokey said...


dop

sounds like you agree with the don't biek?

also, i understand the blood is made in the marrow, but i thought the spleen held extra in reserve that was released when needed. no?

CommieCanuck said...

I just looked carefully at the video, he's not upset about the dropped chain, he's clearly upset about the Windows 10 forced upgrade mid-race. Fucking Bill Fucking Gates.

LECK TRIK

Spokey said...


i thought horner's biek toss was flaccid. now the one snobbie posted maybe a couple years ago was fredly indeed. if i recall, whoever it was actually tossed the thing off a bridge?

Spokey said...


commie

i'm about to try an upgrade. i've backed up the target windows laptop (on win7 pro) three times at this point. i really want to make sure i have something to restore to. spousy volunteers for the free tax returns sponsored by the county & aarp for old fuck-o(e)s. they are switching the prep software and supposedly will require win10 next year for the preparer machines so i figure i'd sacrifice that 2008 dell D630.

Spokey said...

oh

forgot. if you don't want to be tricked in to a win10 secret upgrade try the GWX Control Panel (http://blog.ultimateoutsider.com/2015/08/using-gwx-stopper-to-permanently-remove.html) to stop billie the gates in his tracks. i have it running on win7 pro x32, x64 and win8 pro x64. seems to work.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Tyre within a Tyre smacks of Scranus within a Scranus.

Maybe Horner should start riding a bike with a chain within a chain.

Anonymous said...

Don't fuck Bill Gates.

N/A said...

Nice try, Mrs. Gates!

Moe larry curling and fred said...

Time to get in the broomwagen!

Moe larry curling and fred said...

Time to get in the broomwagen!

P. Bateman said...

how hard is it to put a chain back on? i'm pretty fudging inept and even i can generally manage to reach down and replace in about....4 seconds flat?

all dope and no play makes chris a dull boy

bad boy of the north said...

Whoopsie-daisy.so nice...said it twice.

dancesonpedals said...

No ones knows... What does the Spleen Do?

CommieCanuck said...

Spokey... make sure before you do that you praise the Lob with the holy clarifed butter of Antioch and wear the plastic bib of piety. The forced upgrade affected three of my computers running specific devices with no Windows 10 drivers, two computers got bricked during upgrade, one got bricked trying to revert back to Windoze 8.

You will get a x111000778 error, which after hours after hours of forum help searching, you will find out is hexidecimal code for, "Buy a new Lenovo". If you just use the computer for MS Paint, Solitaire and "Pornhub" (I think another version of Solitaire?), it will be fine.
Otherwise, you will be flaccidly flinging your Dell into the nearest creek.All Praise Lob.

N/A said...

One time, I was venting my spleen, and it fell on the ground. The 3-second rule applies there, right?

CommieCanuck said...

I'm supposed to trust Harvard on what the spleen does? This is the same institution that invented over-the-counter bond debt derivatives and told us sugar is healthy for us, and recently spawned the Zuckerberg of Satan.
Fuck Bill Gates at Harvard. Go Crimson.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how many curlers are former janitors?

leroy said...

Me: What is the correct pressure for an unladen Schwalbe Procore?

My dog: What do you mean? African or European?

Me: What? I don't know that.

Oh well, today's post reminded my dog to add Mr. Johnson's classic "Dust My Broom" to this week's karaoke night play list. So there's that.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

And on the topic of LOB, lately NPR has had segments sponsored by this movie
The Lobsters which came out in 2015.

In high school one of my friends fell while skiing and ruptured his spleen, which had to be removed. That was over 40 years ago, how quickly we become old farts. Whatever the spleen does, you can apparently live without it.

dancesonpedals said...

That wasn't a bike toss. That was a bounce pass. Pretty good hang time.

Anonymous said...

That must be the most german tyre system imaginable.

McFly said...

Why in the world did they not name this the T.I.T.S.?

(Tire In Tire System)

Frickus Rungus said...

This just in: Aussie scandal ties mandatory helment law to suet industry lobbyists. Efficacy of bird food as an impact absorbing material is questioned.

Donald T said...

78% of Mexican rapist don't have spleens, it's like the whole human brain, you only need a small fraction.

CommieCanuck said...

Fat tire industry could make a fortune on huge T.I.T.S, my bike takes double D's.

1904 Cadardi said...

dop,

GF came back from a medical conference with that video in tow. Laughed and didn't learn anything, so a double win. I also wondered why she didn't bring back any free samples of opioids. Apparently they only hand out pens and not samples of the good stuff.

JuanOffhue said...

Bike tossers (particularly the one who heaved his off a bridge) remind me of the frustrated golfer a former coworker claimed to have observed throwing his golf clubs — bag and all — into a water hazard. Several minutes later, the same golfer came back and waded into the water hazard to retrieve his bag. He then took his car keys out of a pocket on the bag, threw the bag back into the water hazard, and sloshed off.

dancesonpedals said...

Lots of good pithy material in Snob's post todat. How could anyone corrupt a pure, innocent sport like curling?

Dirk Montero said...

#whatpressuresyourunning?

Dirk Montero said...

#whatsizeTITSyourunning?

Frickus Rungus said...

dop,

I think I suffered permanent hearing damage from that video. I had no ideas that curling was so loud and shrill.

Lucy said...

Ricky; you gots some spleening to do

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Schwalbe....hard and crunchy on the inside, soft and chewy on the outside.

The best pro shindig since Bjarne threw his bike away after suffering a puncture.

BamaPhred said...

I read today's title as No Time for Titties, was wondering at the lack of boobie jokes, then BOOM!
But then I realized I couldn't read, reinforcing Alabama's ranking of 47 in the intelligence scale.
But hey, thanks to Nevada and Hawaii, AL AND MS aren't DFL.

Dooth said...

Hurling and Kick the Bottle in one post. Too much excitement for a Monday.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Looks like Horner wuz riding with a SRAM drivetrain. SRAM who had to retroactively include a chain-catcher on all it's 22 Yaw(TM) FDs cuz they yaw-ed your chain right into the bottom bracket.

No wonder the Shimano boys just drove right past laughing quietly to themselves.

Spokey said...

bama

was curious where the hemorrhoids was and the first thing that came up was this:
http://www.foxbusiness.com/features/2012/10/15/americas-best-and-worst-educated-states.html

i don't see hawaii down there and bama is only 6th worst. but below nevada i might add. i do note that everywhere i looked they listed education when i had queried literacy.

but while they list the hemorrhoids as 6th most educated, i read the titties (i mean title) the same as you. i'm still trying to figure out whether i can blame going blind or whether i have to move down south.

BamaPhred said...

Here it is, Spokey, it's old, it just showed up in a news feed today, for some reason.

Spokey said...



thx

maybe i don't have to move south. you just dropped us to 9th place.

but really. some of that criteria is really bogus. sat scores? you can get into mensa with not much of an sat score. college grads? i'm not too far from our state U. what a bunch a dopes (i present myself as evidence of said dopiness)

otoh, they do have nevada nailed. how else could harry reid keep getting reelected?

Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous at 11:42, that idea is nonsense. I used to get regularly swooped by a certain magpie when I was running or walking past No helmet or hat required to antagonize them when they think you are getting a little too close to their nest.

Stupid birds, do they really think that I want to climb that 30 feet up a gum tree just to hurt their babies?

wishiwasmerckx said...

There are some well-educated people in Nevada, provided that they completed their education elsewhere before relocating there.

Old timer said...

Bike tires?

Oh my. It’s good to be old! Pump up the bike tires every couple months (4?). Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes check the tread for any obvious wear. Ride every day…doughnuts, Coke. (Some doughnuts have a jelly “procore”. It’s good!) Tires? Tubes? It all seems so simple…

wishiwasmerckx said...

Magpies torment my cats, and with the addition of that knowledge, your life is now complete.

Spokey said...


my life would be complete if there were some magpies around here. at least while the damn cat is still alive.

David G said...

Somebody's got to do something about the bicycles in these bicycle races; they're clearly a menace to the officials on motorcycles: that thrown bike glanced off the nearby motorist.

The Paper Boy said...

Spokey, Magpies are a bit big for your average run of the mill suburban cat to go a couple of rounds with. Haven't seen or heard of a cat taking down an adult Magpie around here. The whole Magpie swooping thing is a bit overrated anyway.

Spokey said...


paper boy

stop playing with my emotions. i can only hope that he would be no match for the magpies.

at his height this cat was a 20+ lb bastard. we have plenty of foxes and he has survived all that. even had a couple local bear sightings last weekend. he is thinner now in his old age but he won't die off. i think he is going for the guiness record. i think that is something like 27 years and he still has a couple years to go (only in his early 20s). so maybe send down 3 magpies? sounds like that will do the trick given he's half blind and deaf now.

bad boy of the north said...

send in heckle and jeckle.

Mr. Lund said...

Chris' chain butthurt became just too much. He's successfully lobbied to have the video evidence destroyed.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I think Shimano got the Horner video taken down. They were concerned they looked too apathetic just rolling past Horner. Too much like all the Kitty Genovese witnesses who didn't do anything.

BamaPhred said...

I'm not a SEO fred, but a quickie interwebs search seems to indicate the video has been widely removed from many sites. Now that's fred, he coulda been an epic internet meme.

Bird Brain said...

Hey Anonymous at 9:11, the Anonymous at 11:42 is right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wHreVKgOT4

Magpies hate bicycle helmets as much as all those millions of Australians who refuse to wear the mandatory dork hat and thus don't ride bicycles.

Cycling in Australia

Anonymous said...

VN still has a comparo with other notable bike tosses. It's pretty cool.

Anonymous said...

Ride quality? It's The Road, Stupid!

Silly me, I ride Van Cortlandt Park's Old Putnam Trail to get to work. Ride quality is OK, except for the periodic mud holes. Or when it rains, then I get a chance to practice my fording skills. That's "fording" with a little F. Apparently, the Riverdale NIMBYs like it that way, and would be mortified if a CitiBike station were to EVER be placed at the Van Cortlandt golf course. I see I have a lot to look forward to on ride quality.

Then there's the "Cherry Walk," along the Hudson River north of 96 St. Nothing cherry about it at all.

And don't forget the ever-increasing number of "speed humps" being placed around NYC, ostensibly for our protection. Careful you don't rear-end cars as they hit the brakes for them.

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