Monday, April 11, 2016

If At First You Don't Succeed, Tri Tri Again.

This past Sunday saw the running of the 202nd edition of the Paris-All Rights Reserved By SpecializedⓇ cobbled-together classic, and while World Champion Peter "Grab 'Em In The Biscuits" Sagan may not have won he did astound fans with his exceptional bike-handling skills when he bunny-hopped a fallen Fabian "Spocktopus" Cancellara:

Peter Sagan kept his chances of winning Paris-Roubaix intact by bunny-hopping over a crashing Fabian Cancellara on the Mons-en-Pévèle cobbled sector.

Already 40 seconds down on the lead group, Cancellara and Sagan were pushing hard to connect back up with the group up the road, which formed nearly 100km earlier.

Cancellara, sitting third wheel in his group, slipped on a muddy part of the sector and went down hard, but Sagan, on the Swiss’s wheel, somehow managed to avoid going down and continued his pursuit.

And here's the video:
Alas, it would appear that Cancellara's cutting-edge new Trek Domane with the flexible headtube was not enough to keep him upright, though reportedly Sagan did appreciate its lateral stiffness and vertical compliance while he was riding over it.

Speaking of bike-handling skills, triathletes don't have any, and it would also appear that some of them are equally bereft of morals:

Davis, who comes from Carlsbad, Calif., and is one of the top triathletes in her age group in the world, had been first out of the water and first off her bike — she was sure of it. Spectators using a mobile phone race app that shows competitors’ relative positions called out encouragement, telling her she was ahead by a comfortable 10 minutes. As she ran, Davis looked out for rivals, asking the age of every woman she passed or who passed her, and encountered none from her age group.

Yet there she was, accepting the medal for second place at the awards ceremony the next day, five minutes behind a Canadian triathlete named Julie Miller who seemed to have materialized from nowhere and somehow won the race.

Yes, apparently Canadian triathlete Julie Miller is cutting the course like a pair of off-brand compression socks cuts off your circulation:

This odd series of events eventually touched off an extraordinary feat of forensic detective work by a group of athletes who were convinced that Miller had committed what they consider the triathlon’s worst possible transgression. They believed she had deliberately cut the course and then lied about it.

Wow, "triathlon's worst possible transgression," really?  That's huge, especially when you're talking about a "sport" that looks like this:


They should at least qualify that by calling it "triathlon's worst possible non fashion-related transgression."

Anyway, this "extraordinary feat of forensic detective work" also served as the inspiration for the upcoming television crime drama, "Triathlete Detective Squad: Special Skinsuit Unit," in which a pair of investigators who practically radiate sexual tension relentlessly root out crime wherever it may swim, bike, or run:


Think "True Detective" by way of "Baywatch," with a wardrobe inspired by Cinemax After Dark.

As for the alleged cheater, she blamed 1) jealous competitors; and 2) those pesky timing chips that are always getting lost:

Miller denies it all, in the most emphatic tones. She says that she is the victim of a smear campaign by envious, spiteful athletes who cannot cope with her success and high profile and that the only thing she did wrong, besides winning too often, was to lose her timing chip in a couple of races.

So in other words, yeah, she cheated.

Anyway, it would appear that the world of triathlon is nearly as cutthroat (and dorky) as the high-stakes world of Kickstarter, because remember the "Lumineer" integrated stem/headlight I mentioned last week?




I had the idea for the LiteStem in 2013, but because I've been embroiled in law school I didn't have time to pursue it, and I kinda forgot about it. I saw that some other group called Lumineer is trying to make a bicycle stem with an incorporated LED light and remembered my design. I thought, "Hey, these guys are doing this on Kickstarter, why not me?" I realize those guys have their light up here as well, but my design is different in that the LED lamp is vertically adjustable on the fly. So, therefore I think it's more useful. 

I dunno, you'd think a lawyer could come up with a better excuse than that--though I suppose I can relate because I fish stuff out of the trash that I invented first all the time too:


(BSNYC Phallo-Drive SL Integrated Slowy-Shifty System)

I can't believe I forgot to patent and manufacture these things!  What the hell was I thinking?!?  Oh well, coffee cup rings are as good as a trademark, so just send a couple grand to my Kickstarter and we'll call it good.



Well, a reader who is currently cycling through Mallorca has spotted at least one rider who clearly upping the ante:


268 km/h is approximately 166mph in American, which is pretty fast, and so I have only one question:

How many Pascals is he running?

72 comments:

Frickus Rungus said...

podi-ummmmmm...

dnk said...

Woo-hoo speed.

Synonymous said...

podio!?!

Synonymous said...

Bypassed the reading and took third!

Ted K. said...

137. Take our environmental problems, for example. Here the conflict of values is straightforward: economic expedience now versus saving some of our natural resources for our grandchildren. [22] But on this subject we get only a lot of blather and obfuscation from the people who have power, and nothing like a clear, consistent line of action, and we keep on piling up environmental problems that our grandchildren will have to live with. Attempts to resolve the environmental issue consist of struggles and compromises between different factions, some of which are ascendant at one moment, others at another moment. The line of struggle changes with the shifting currents of public opinion. This is not a rational process, nor is it one that is likely to lead to a timely and successful solution to the problem. Major social problems, if they get “solved” at all, are rarely or never solved through any rational, comprehensive plan. They just work themselves out through a process in which various competing groups pursuing their own (usually short- term) self-interest [23] arrive (mainly by luck) at some more or less stable modus vivendi. In fact, the principles we formulated in paragraphs 100-106 make it seem doubtful that rational, long-term social planning can EVER be successful.

Bryan said...

I got here at the Speed of Scranus.

Willie said...

Made the break-away, but failed to close.

Frickus Rungus said...

Went back to watch the video. That wasn't a bunny hop. He just rode over the other guy...

I can recall a criterium (spell check suggests critter or terrarium) where the entire field was taken out on a corner by the inside rider falling down and causing a domino effect. I ended up upright, still clipped in, and propped up by a a pile of riders who had wedged under my bike.
Look ma, no kickstand!

BamaPhred said...

I'm blaming Spocktopus' crash on the springy head tube thingy, or Sagan rear ended him, you know, the old bump-draft Nascar trick. Or maybe he just washed out his wheel and fell.
i see tri bikes, or time trial bikes actually, on trunk racks all the time. I never see anyone actually riding one. Anyone else experience this phenomenon?

Several Low Speed Low Traffic Parallel Roads Exist said...

M25 cyclist caught on camera returning to motorway after being escorted off

Next time try the B338 (Vicarage Road).

Spokey said...

top ten + uno

Spokey said...


in my exciteyment i didn't notice ted so whoopee top 10

Schisthead said...

Bunny hopping in cyclocross. Funny stuff!


Only thing better would be a compilation of Tri-dorks attempting to hop a candy bar, or pencil, or some other such insurmountable obstacle...

N/A said...

Just finished reading Jan Heine's latest blog post, and he hit all the marks: fat tires, gravel race, whatpressureyourunning?

Buzzword BINGO!

Anonymous said...

The Bike Radar article on Paris-All Rights Reserved by Specialized Bicycle Components, Inc. had a couple of pro #WhatPressureYouRunning broments pictured. Thought of you, snob.

leroy said...

Vertically adjustable on the fly?

Sounds dangerous.

My dog disagreed, but he doesn't wear pants.

Hugo Z Heckenabush said...

embroiled - rare, medium or well done?

Anonymous said...

Check out 1st vid on this page for someone with less skill than Peter Sagan..

Here is the riders side of the story.

theEel said...

weed.

crosspalms said...

Those were timing chips? I thought they were snacks -- I ate the whole bag. No wonder they needed more salt. My bad.

The Moreland Commission said...

A Canadian cheating, Sacré bleu! A society declines from having it's scranus rubbing up against the Bald Eagle's head. Next thing you know Canada will be suffering from uncountable numbers of corrupt pols (they do share a border with New York State).

Ringo said...

A woman that I know just came from mallorca spain,
She smiled because I did not understand,
Then she held out a five pound bag of cocaine,
She said it was the finest in the land.

And I said no no no no,
I don't no more,
etc....

Anonymous said...

Hey Ringo, you left out the [sniff] there.

N/A said...

I have been in several races over the years, and friends with others that race in a variety of ways, and I have only heard of one(1) instance of a lost timing chip. And that was by a young man that admitted that he probably was less careful in its placement than he could have been. Also, he was only bummed-out about losing his "official" time, he wasn't a contention for the win, anyways.


Seems peculiar that the cheating Canadian has lost more than one. Perhaps somebody could withhold her allotment of Timbits until she 'fesses up?

Roille Figners said...

"I just happened to lose my timing chip on the same day I won the triathlon" is the same as "I just happened to purchase an ax and turn off my cell phone for 6 hours on the day my wife was murdered." It doesn't prove anything, but c'mon...

Fat bike apocalypse has happened - saw a whole family of them out there this weekend. On pavement. No sand or snow in sight. Definite Wal Mart vibe.

Anonymous said...

That tri-detective looks like Frank Zappa. No, the one on the right.

Devon said...

Borat's Cinelli squeeze might accompany Joe to Alaska.

Thanks_wipo said...

Oh, the fat bike thing is on. Those tires bounce so normal people sit as passively on the bike as they sit in a car and enjoy the suspension effect.

The only question left is how often and how many times Sinyard sues others to crush fat bike competition. We can't have fat bikes selling for less than $10,000!

N/A said...

Kudos on the photoshop work, Wildcat. That picture of Yanni's head on that girl's body is damn near flawless.

John Cameron Swayze said...

If you wear a timing chip while engaging in adult recreational entertainment, does it record your pace in addition to time?

Rosie Ruiz said...

Canadian caught doing something American, Canadian government orders flags flown at half mast.

N/A said...

Hey Rosie, that's a real funny zinger against Americans!

Grump said...

Your story about the Triathlete cheater reminds me of a guy who got caught sitting out a 10 mile lap in a road race, 15 years ago. He had done the same thing, a month before, and had not gotten caught. This was a local small time race, in the Masters category, and he was caught after jumping in between the three man break group and the chase group that I was in on the final lap. This was a pretty empty area, so he hid in the trees. Cheating to get 4th place in a Masters race is about as silly as anything that I've ever heard.



Boris Badanov said...

Working on a time trial fat bike. I'm in a deep skunk works R&D lab (my windowless basement) to keep Specialized from stealing the prototype then suing us for infringing on our own patent.

McFly said...

Roger De Vlameeaneak breathes a sigh of relief.

Joe said...

Hey Julie, Devon has bailed on me, want to go on an Alaskan biking adventure with me? You can be our guide for the Canadian section of the course (I"ll make sure I don't lose sight of you). If yes, is your flexible head tube in working condition?

Freddy Murcks said...

It is disappointing but pretty understandable that professional athletes cheat - there are issues of money and continued employment on the line. But cheating amateur age-groupers have to be the stupidest, most pathetic people imaginable. Who gives a flying fuck if you are an amateur and you "won" a triathlon? If you managed to complete the whole course without crashing your bike, you're apparently way better than average and you can safely consider yourself a "winner." Everything else is just gravy.

Anonymous said...

My wife's Specialized Globe Haul 1 has an 'integrated' LED light in the stem.

http://brimages.bikeboardmedia.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/specialized-globe-bicycle-interbike09-10.jpg

I'm sure Specialized won't mind someone else claiming patent rights.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Goodness where did you find that old photo of young Lemmy and me? Such great memories of our Triathlonating team, "Motorfred", oh yes we were pioneers in all types of doping.

Anonymous said...

E.W., I believe I saw my first runner Fred this past week. She had matching clothes, or kit, from top to bottom and I swear all she needed was a bike and a stava account to make a Fred transition.

NourskSiklist said...

A good run of posts last week, I swear I read them all, as my tracking chip could have proven. Except I lost it. Many highlights were lit, and the hapless Devon sure was appreciated by this sword-heavy weblog audience. The Bogarde commercial also stuck with me, as it was nothing less than an aspiring art movie about coming of age, disguised as an ad. It brought to mind [this article](http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/smoothies-contain-dangerous-levels-of-pr-bullshit-2012050926436) which introduced the 'bsgram', the international unit of bullshit content.
*High levels detected!*

Domo arigato Mister Robotto

NourskSiklist said...

Oh dear, html formatting FAIL. So sorry, people.

dancesonpedals said...

First bare midriff in Manhattan sighted today.

Mr Clueless said...

Who are the people in the Cinelli photo?

dancesonpedals said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
We're Going to Make America America Again said...

Donald Trump says Julie Miller is related to Ted Cruz and obviously were going to need a fence up there too.

Anonymous said...

Fred 268 km/h is probably this dude:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5wmkXu_v2k

Anonymous said...

Hay man! You didn't say who won that cobbled race? Was it because he was Aussie and you hate all of us. Anyway, if you look closely you will see that he has bunny teeth.

Anonymous said...

That dog is too smart to let its owner poison it. Grapes are toxic for canines.

Spokey said...

hey

devon can go pound her flexi head tube and her stupid map holder.

uma n is still queenie of this blog

WryGuyHi said...

Anonymous 6:54.

Its not that BikeSnob hates ALL Aussies, just Australian cyclists. Everybody hates Australian cyclists, especially Australian motorists, Australian surgeons, Australia road safety experts and most of all the Australian government.

dancesonpedals said...

Eek! Just read the Wikipedia article. He picked up the grape where it had fallen off the kitchen table and carried it to the hall. He couldn't' figure out what to do with it , so I taped him.
He's a 60 lb dog; wiki says it would take about 90 gram / 3 oz to hurt him.
That post and video are coming down.


Holy Roller said...

Sometimes I wonder, did Jesus ever have an erection?

Al Gore Invention Sags Off said...

Only 53 comments after a weekend off, pathetic, what is country needs is a candidate who will make blogs great again. Some flexible head tubing from Devon wouldn't be so bad either.

baisikl said...

Bikes are dumb...

Arizona Hillbilly said...

Anytime somebody keeps telling you how "Nice" they are,it's a good idea to keep your eyes open for the knife,huh Canada?

ken e. said...

generalizations are just that, there will always be outliers. i'd wager that other people call us 'nice' though, because we're too self-depreciating to brag about ourselves... mostly.

SKIT SNDI
GOTW ATR?

Clue Stick for Australian Cyclists said...

Can't you guys take a hint? No one wants you on the road. Gettinaditchoriagonnafuckinkillyou.

Although I must admit the little plastic dork hats you are all forced to wear are quiet fetching (just kidding - they're fucking DORK hats).

Standard Bike Repair said...

Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't. Nice work today.

Robert Hardy said...

Thanks for this, I am very impressed.

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McFly said...

I am really hoping you start photoshopping Devon into various situations and hijinx on this here blogulation. Those Hot 6/Soft 7 girls are always a good time.

N/A said...

Non-plussed Bibshorts Guy was hitting on Devon last night, but she just rolled her eyes at him.

Anonymous said...

post at 3:48 AM, Oh the irony.

Roille Figners said...

Meanwhile at the other end of the bar, Joe is confiding in thumbs-up Citibike Guy...

Joe: "I dunno I'm not sure she's into me anymore. Ever since the whole bike touring thing..."

Thumbs-up Citibike Guy: [gives thumbs-up sign]

BamaPhred said...

Mr Snob? Mr Bike Snob? Anbody seen Mr Bike Snob? It's Tuesday, I got up early to podium race, and no early Tuesday post. Now I'm tired, gonna nap in the easy chair and watch it rain.

Spokey said...

hah

and those of us just getting into the room, we got our sleep.

dancesonpedals said...

You call that a tri post? Just one cheater. No slapstick falls.

dancesonpedals said...

otoh it's not like she had a motor in her ass.

N/A said...

otoh it's not like she had a motor in her ass.

You don't know that.

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This comment has been removed by the author.
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