Tuesday, April 5, 2016

You can't spell "analog" without...well you get it.

Every so often an invention comes along that completely revolutionizes the bicycle.  The pneumatic tire... the freewheel... the derailleur gear system... and now you can add the wiggly head tube to the list:


We saw Fabian Cancellara win Strade Bianche on it, and we saw him rocket over the cobbles in the 2016 Ronde van Vlaanderen (Tour of Flanders) to a second-place finish on board the new Domane SLR from Trek (check out the gallery of Cancellara’s Flanders bike here). Now we’ve got details about the striking new bike that has both a redesigned IsoSpeed decoupler in the seat tube as well as a brand new decoupler in the head tube.

Yep, you read that right: The head tube moves.

Wow.

I wanted to know more about this bicycle, and fortunately the VeloNews article was buried in like fifty Trek ads:


So I clicked on one of them, only to be confronted with a question:

Domane with front and rear IsoSpeed has it all: Blistering speed, smooth race comfort, and superior balance for precision handling and all-day domination. Powering over centuries-old cobbles, charging up dizzying climbs, descending on rails to an epic win. That's how Fabian Cancellara rides his Domane. How will you ride yours?

How will I ride mine?  What kind of question is that?  It's a plastic Trek with front and rear shock absorbers.  Obviously I'll be riding it slowly on the multi-use path after hoisting it from the trunk rack of my Toyota Solara convertible.

Here's how it works:


The innovative Front IsoSpeed decoupler delivers the perfect smooth and balanced ride, so you can ride faster, longer, and stronger.  By allowing the steerer tube to flex independently from the head tube, Front IsoSpeed provides an additional 10% of front-end compliance over a traditional road bike.  Front IsoSpeed reduces hard hits and vibration without sacrificing efficiency or control.

In other words, it's like having a loose headset, which means the typical Trek rider won't even notice it.

Or, if you prefer, it's a Zertz that actually does something:

(The Roubaix has front and rear Zertz placebos and a pointy seatpost, so you know it's comfy.)

Specialized are gonna sue the bibshorts off of Trek for making comfort-enhancing road bike features that are more than just aesthetic:


Anyway, we'll see if the rest of the Fred bike industry follows suit with the whole shock absorber thing, though you can bet there's one company that will surely remain firm in the face of increasing head tube flaccidity:


The day Cipo makes a bike with a limp head tube is the day he puts on a shirt before riding:


("Not a-gonna happen, baby.")

Speaking of Fabian "Spocktopus" Cancellara, he makes a cameo in a new Kickstarter campaign.  Remember how last month I mentioned this steampunk Fred bike computer?


Klaus from Alps and Andes alerted me to it, and we exchanged emails speculating as to whether this was an elaborate set-up for an April Fool's joke.  Well, it wasn't:


"Omata One is the world's first GPS analog speedometer.  It has analog movement on the outside with a very advanced GPS computer on the inside."


So basically it's a digital computer with an analog veneer, which makes it the cycling equivalent of decorative air vents on cars, fake cooling fins on liquid-cooled motorcycle engines, and the ersatz clicking sound your smartphone makes when you take a selfie.  (I predict fake shifting sounds will come to electronic shifting groups within the year.)

"I believe that everything on your bike should be as pure and beautiful as the ride and the bike itself.  When I look at existing cycling computers, they look and behave like a piece of consumer electronics or a smartphone, and I don't want that on my handlebars.  I want a modern speedometer and only looks like it belongs on a bike, but reflects the spirit and pleasure of why I ride on the first place.  But without compromise."


Okay, this thing has GPS, Bluetooth, Strava connectivity...not that there's anything wrong with any of that stuff, but you're no less of a giant Fred just because your bike computer points to numbers with a needle, just like your musical taste is no less sucky just because you play your crap on vintage vinyl.

Anyway, cue Spocktopus:


("Is a watch or...?  Spocktopus confused.")

Well there you go.

Yes, nothing as beautifully simple as calibrating your analog speedometer with a laptop and performing constant software updates:


Though I think I'll hold off until they come out with a Bluetooth rotary smartphone dialer:





However, as the inventors tell their story, it becomes clear from Devon's facial expressions and body language that Joe has forced her join the sordid world of bike touring:

"Since then, I've done quite a few more [bike tours], and Devon was excited to join me."


That's funny, she doesn't look our sound excited, especially when she learns that the next ride is going to be to...Alaska:

"...going to start our next adventure following the West Coast up to Alaska this spring."


"Alaska, are you kidding me?," that eyebrow rub says. You can already see her formulating her excuse--which is probably why Joe makes her read this hostage speech:

"Bike touring is awesome.  There really is no other way of travel that you can just see so many places and meet so many people."


Poor Devon.  That is the look of someone coming to grips with the fact that instead of just flying to her next vacation she'll be spending the entire spring in campgrounds surrounded by panniers and Teva sandals and people who haven't showered in weeks.  (Herself included.)

Actually, it could take them years to reach Alaska, because it looks like they may be going by fat bike:


That's why it's crucial any map clip passes the "shake over a lake" test:


See, when you're somewhere in the wilds of British Columbia and one of you starts shaking the map and screaming, "I wanna go home!  If I have to listen to one more asshole with a beard talk about pour-over coffee I'm going to kill you!," you can't have the map falling into the water and getting destroyed again like it did that other time.  (You might also want to laminate that map while you're at it.)

I wonder if the Omata is waterproof.

121 comments:

ermmurray said...

Worst

ermmurray said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ermmurray said...

Hairy chest

ermmurray said...

Really?

ermmurray said...

I even read it

ermmurray said...

Maybe this blog is going like JP's career

ermmurray said...

You'll be on YouTube saying you've started running

ermmurray said...

Why am I so excited about this?

Schisthead said...

All day domination, just like the Trek. XD

Anonymous said...

top ten scrotoliciousio

ermmurray said...

Guys?

ermmurray said...

I'd better get back to work

clyde said...

Scranus podio

Hoghopper said...

Couldn't sleep last night?

Hoghopper said...

Couldn't sleep last night?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Woah! Early doors on the wet coast!!

N/A said...

Specialized is currently developing their next road-smoothing technology, the Specialized Pogo® with its new scranus-mounted spring insert.

N/A said...

Specialized is currently developing their next step road-smoothing technology for bieks, the Specialized Pogo® with its new scranus-mounted spring insert.

N/A said...

whoa, weird.

dancesonpedals said...

einundzwanzig?

Anonymous said...

The term for the steam-punk thingy is "skeuomorph."

Spokey said...


you've soiled the comment section so badly, so early that i can't even tell what "top xx" i am. sheez. ok back to sleep now

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...I've been told that my headtube is not wiggly.

...I took that to mean that it's vertically compliant yet laterally stiff.

Spokey said...


even if you buy in to the analog being better from a perception standpoint, who needs a mechanical sub-assembly? except for the parts dept of course. same effect (e.g. 25 mph or km or whatever it was at 3 o'clock) can be easily done digitally. but i guess the flaw there is that the speedo would be more robust but lighter.

the_zertz_is_too_good said...

Can someone please explain how a STEERER TUBE, not the head tube, flexes when it's round and fixed at two points? One of those points is amazingly close to, you know, the fork.

Sinyard at Specialized is sure to send the lawyers after Trek on that one. It's like 100-bazillion times better than zertz. And it costs nothing to make.

Spokey said...


SR

get old enough to say go on medicare and you'll find your headtube has gotten pretty damn wiggly.

DB said...

That was one of your best, Snob.

N/A said...

The latest in bike tech. Flexible everything.

x2 said...

Is this double post Tuesday?

Again said...

Tuesday double post is this?

Taking Ecstasy at Work said...

I love you all. Very much.

Spokey said...


interesting.

those maps are clearly adventure cycling maps yet the kids apparently don't know that adventure cycling sells map holders that work well and inside a protected pocket. so no lamination needed.

maybe they're always on the road.

joe - ". . . back in 2011 when a friend of mine convinced me to do my first country tour. since then i've done quite a few more"

wow how many do they do each year? i guess joe must not have a job.

devon says safety is a concern so she doesn't want to use two hands to adjust the map. i don't know how devon could possibly flip an ac map to the next panel with one hand. she should kick-start for a book on that technique. personally, i either stop and change to the next map segment, then go. or sometimes maybe we're on a break near the segment end and i'll switch to the new segment before starting out again.

AC maps are pretty sturdy maps. i haven't dunked any yet, but maybe i'll grab an old xcounty map and see how well it holds up in the bathtub.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Spokey, I'm hoping to be riding hard even on Medicare. By then I'm sure EPOs will be covered. If not, I'll go to Mexico, across the Great Wall, to get mine.

...However, I can see the argument that a more wiggly headtube will provide comfort when riding hard. But I'm of the viewpoint that you lose enthusiasm when you're flopping all over the place.

...I mean, like Snob said, can you imagine Cipo advocating wiggly tubes?

N/A said...

I'll give up my hard steel tubes when they pry them from my cold, dead, scranus!

dnk said...

Awrighty. I think the "OMATA One" looks pretty cool. If I cared enough about gadgetry to have a GPS cycling computer, I'd prefer looking at that analog rather than the digital.

Then again, I couldn't give a fuck about mounting a computer on my bike, so moot point.

Still. It is stylish....

Harry Reems said...

Flexible Head Tube, isn't that aka a throat?

Luddites of the World Unite said...

Saw a guy on a bike who was stopped at a corner, he had, and I kid you not, a PAPER MAP unfolded (Note-Paper Maps were invented by Al Gore 20 some off years ago).

Anonymous said...

There once was a girl named Devon
She has golden hair from heaven
When Joe's on the road
She'll extract your load
As long as the inches are seven

Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer said...

Why when I saw the name Fabian did I immediately think of the name Femke? And both names start with a F, as in I'm going to electrocute your fuckin ass, coincidence, I think not.

leroy said...

Oh great, my dog read today's post and has been snickering all morning like Beavis and Butt-head and making jokes about anal logs and Strava segments on the carpet.

Told him to watch his step, but that just started another round of snickering.

It's going to be a long day.

I wish he would have gone for an Omata/omerta joke instead. You know, something like "the GPS that keeps its mouth shut about how slow you are."

I would have chuckled.

janinedm said...

Comfort aside, wouldn't a flexible head tube make you lose precious watts? I think it more like that guy got his first and second place finishes despite that bike, on account of conditioning (read: drugs). Anyway, your collection of Cipo photos is sighting and is making me with that right wing nut jobs were telling the truth when they say that homosexuality is a choice. How is it worse when he's actually wearing a shirt and jeans!? I have to take a Silkwood shower.

balls™ said...

My head tube was stiff when I woke up this morning.

Wait. We are talking about bikes, right?

N/A said...

Bike Snob NYC is the internet's premier source for Cipo photography.

Freddy Murcks said...

Drek's conclusion that their bike with the wiggly headtube is going to be great for Freddy McFredenstein just because it's great for Fabian Cancellara is a bit like concluding that Joe Sixpack is going to be able to throw a football like an NFL QB just because he went out an bought an official NFL football. I am pretty certain that Cancellara could win bike races on a rusty Huffy purchased from the Salvation Army and, likewise, Freddy McFredenstein is going to be a big, stupid Fred who can barely climb a highway overpass regardless of how much money he spends on his sled.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I like the Omata One, but not enough to pledge $499 and get one if it gets funded. They should put a button on in the accompanying smartphone app to convert the unit from miles to kilometers though, no need for separate versions. I watched the video hoping for more shots of the model in the still photo at the start of it, and there were none. Too bad, she would give Bird of Prey Babe a run for her money.

Devon is going to start on online dating site for cycle-touring widows, I can just sense it. While old Joe is cycling up to Alaska, she'll be taking a few rides herself.

About 4 years ago, I spent a week on a Trek Domaine with the seat tube/top tube flexi-joint thingie, I found it very unnerving on fast bumpy descents.

I predict Trek will next offer a Viagra-like lockout device for its flexi steer tube, to stiffen things up for those epic sprint finales. As was said a short while ago, if dick breaks and tubeless tires were invented first, rim breaks and tire bladders would be hailed as breakthrough technology!

A friend of mine has that Special-Ed dick breaks bike and swears the Zertz actually work, I think it is the fatter tires. But he likes them so much he bought the Zertz seatpost to put on another carbon fiber bike that he said was too stiff for him. I call the Zertz post his prostate massager.

Crickey7 said...

I dunno. I have the full Zertzy package from the photo, and it in fact feels just like angels are kissing my butt.

Anonymous said...

The last speedometer that looked like that "Analog" one for bicycles was sold to kids riding Schwinn Stingrays around the neighborhood in the 70s. Ick. More retro would be one that looked like a Huret Multito, and ONLY gave the mileage on it's display. That speedo thing looks like it belongs in a car, or maybe on a Stingray.

Groucho Marx said...

Has anybody here seen Dottie
She entertained the sailors a lottie
So much so she got laryngitis
La La La, La, La, La...

Roille Figners said...

Je suis ici, vers le bas, comme d'habitude.

You were going to say can't spell analog without "log" right? That's what you were gonna say? Can't fool me!

janinedm said...

Man, I hate Apple's aggressive auto-correct. My post said "your collection of Cipo photos is sighting and is making me with that right wing nut jobs were." I don't remember what "sighting" was supposed to be. Let's go with shudder-inducing. And I wish I could choose to be gay. Cipo images make me want to install magical wards against demons in my bedroom and throw my entire uterus into the Hudson.

Analaogous said...

Anal Log

Baptize a Baby Ruth

Heave a Havana

Pinch a Loaf

Back One Out

Drop a Stool

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Anonymous @ 12:02-

Back in the day I had a Stewart Warner analog speedometer with mechanical digital odometer on my Raleigh Sports. I don't remember the RPM part and not sure how it would have worked with the 3 speed Sturmey Archer. An early start to my Fredness. Good times....

Roille Figners said...

JDM - you are probably already pregnant from the Cipo just by looking, so unless you want to raise his spawn, that uterus thing might not be a bad idea!

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

So glad the world is back to normal, or something.




vsk

Anonymous said...

I have a Zertz inserted, but I'm not telling where.

Paul Bowen said...

Devon is a place on earth.

dancesonpedals said...

I think the word, 'uterus' is by nature funny. We should include it into daily conversations as often as possible. (Steer the conversation thatb way. Don't just randomly say, "uterus" like it's the last item on your internal organ bingo card.)

But feel free to yell uterus in a crowded theatre.

wle said...

"reading the hostage speech"- HA HA

wle

bad boy of the north said...

what's omata with you?oh,head tube non-trouble.hey Fabian,it's "i lift things up and put them down."

Roille Figners said...

Yeah Devon is outta there. Seems like this isn't the very first stirrings of discontent either. She's not at the "The conclusion is inescapable and now I'm just procrastinating" phase yet though.

McFly said...

Yeah Yeah But But But Peter Sagan won the Rhonda Van Vladerrarnanan and he was using
(F)ront (R)idgid (E)xtension (D)esign.

Devon looks at home on that couch. In front of a camera.

Anonymous said...

Go on over to Gotham Bikes on the West Side, ask Will about his wiggly head tube. He'll be glad to help.

janinedm said...

I feel like, no matter what genetic material the mother brings to the equation, any child of Cipo would come out looking like the sax player from The Lost Boys. http://www.hidefninja.com/community/data/attachments/178/178048-5bba1e87dd347b213595f5cca728be3f.jpg

Gee business said...

I almost spit out my pour over I laughed so hard, but then I remembered I spent seven bucks on it.

new_multito_belt said...

Huret Multito FTW.

You must be oooooooolllllldd.

Spokey said...

dnk at 11:18 AM

Then again, I couldn't give a fuck about mounting a computer on my bike, so moot point.

somehow i think you'd be better off mounting sheep than bieky computers

ken e. said...

what...

ken e. said...

the fvck. feels very rip van winkle round here.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Welcome back snob. Just catching up today. I liked this comment of yours from yesterday:

"Look up your ass, you'll find the refund for what you paid to read this blog."

That's great.

Time Waits for No One said...

Remember being in grade school and the room had this foot in diameter clock on the wall - the kind with hands that move. I'm thinking they'll be the next rage in cycling. Kickstarter campaign for the Brooklyn Cycling Clock Company coming up.

Anonymous said...

"I wanna go home! If I have to listen to one more asshole with a beard talk about pour-over coffee I'm going to kill you!," - you just made me shoot pour over coffee out of my nose and all over my beard...

Concern for Babble's Legs said...

Ms. Babble up bright and early this morning on the Left Coast. No riding exercise for Ms. B's legs this morning? Got to keep those legs fine tuned, Wreck Beach weather will be here in no time.

Emily Litella said...

The Brooklyn Cycling Cock Company is an affront to decent people. Who needs a digital cock? Prostatic massage is disgusting! All those little itty-bitty semen crawling through the icky-stick goo!

What? Clock company? Nevermind.

Cipo will be on the Scent said...

"she'll be spending the entire spring in campgrounds surrounded by panniers and Teva sandals and people who haven't showered in weeks." Haven't showered in weeks-the Pheromone Count will be off the scale.

Joe said...

Speaking of April Fools, I had to double check the story publish date for the Trek article, as I was sure that it too was a lousy april fools prank.

Anonymous said...

K Babe - Nice long pigtail and in that position...the mind wanders

dnk said...

Spokey @ 12:46 PM

Touché!

Anonymous said...

Spokey:

The ACA maps are definitely waterproof. I've washed my jersey more than once w them still folded up in the back pocket.

Interestingly enough, my trip this year is from Canada to Alaska also. Only I'll be starting in Banff instead of going up the coast. But if I see the happy couple I'll have to say hello to Devon (& Joe of course).

She looks really unhappy. Even worse than Chris Christie at a Donald Trump news conference.

Pete

Roille Figners said...

Oooh yeah, I remember sexy sax man. Thrusting, gyrating. I'm gay-pregnant now. I nominate him New Re-cum-dude 2016.

The guy off-camera actually playing the sax line presumably spent an amount of time practicing the sax, equivalent to the time spent by Cipo Jr. there, at the gym pumping iron, pumping body oil from the dispenser, and just plain pumping. I remember thinking that back when too, except the Cipo part since I literally learned who he was from THIS BLOG in the late 'oughts. THAT'S how much I give a shit about pro cycling. Anyway there was something incongruous about the cinematic depiction of a supposedly decadent environment where dudes have time not only for sax lessons but also working out and body-oiling.

Anonymous said...

good. stuff.

janinedm said...

Roille, I should not reward you for putting the words "pumping" and "Cipo" in the same comment, but I had to let you know that that guy was in fact an oily, buff, and real sax player: http://dangerousminds.net/comments/the_infamous_sexy_sax_man_from_the_lost_boys_still_still_believes_a_chat_wi

CommieCanuck said...

My kickstarter campaign is using GPS technology to load Google maps for your location and with a handlebar mounted inkjet printer, prints out a small map on artisanal paper made from glue and mustache clippings from albinos.
I'll get Elon Musk to try it, and 276,000 idiots will send me $1000 each.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Our Governor At Large Chris Krispie Kreme Christie is always unhappy unless he is bullying someone. I think he will be doing "fair and balanced" color commentary for Fox Broadcasting when his days as governor of the Garden State are over.

Anonymous said...

Anom aka Pete at 1:47: "She looks really unhappy. Even worse than Chris Christie at a Donald Trump news conference."

At the next news conference the Donald brought a dozen donuts, Chris turned into Pavlov's Dog.

Anonymous said...

Janine and Rollie: Did he then go on to play for the Sex Pistols?

The Gowanus Seal of Approval said...

CC @ 329: Make sure the company manufactures, or at least assembles, in Brooklyn so it can have the official seal "Curated in Brooklyn", hipsters won't buy otherwise.

joh bjelke petersen said...

As a dedicated bicycle tourer, I deeply resent these stereotypes.

ken e. said...

"if the 80's bell helment fits..."

grog said...

Crazy Day

feeding the chooks said...

joh,

Don't you worry about that.

A nony mouse said...

Anal log (continued)

Launch a sub

Lay some cable

Sink a lobster pot

Coil some rope

crosspalms said...

I meant to comment yesterday but got distracted, so I guess you'll have to dock my pay. Welcome back anyway.

I got rid of my bike computer when I realized it was only counting the number of times the little magnet on the spoke went around. The magnet mounted by me in a carefully measured location. Well, that was the flaw in the thing right there. Now I just lick my finger and stick it up in the air to see if I'm moving.

wishiwasmerckx said...

This is the world's SLOWEST sprint to 100 comments.

Anonymous said...

Finally.
I was scheduled to go under the knife, but if I can get a whopping 10% additional front-end compliance for the paltry sum of 12K, fuck penis enlargement!

Count of Sprint said...

96

Count of Sprint said...

97

Count of Sprint said...

98

Count of Sprint said...

99

Spokey said...



winner of the sloe gin fizz century sprint whoopee

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Chesterfield 101's-a silly millimeter longer!

dancesonpedals said...

I missed the sprint, but I recorded some coyotes giving it a howl down the street.

No images, please turn up the sound.

Dooth said...

A computer on my road bike? It would be like putting a computer on a horse. But that Huret Multitu, which the astute anon referenced, would look poifect.

Roille Figners said...

Well I just read about Mr. Sax Man. Never woulda guessed! And as if it's not weird enough, there's heroin involved too.

But, he was buff and played sax. Clearly he must've had no other job then. Like they always say, music, weights or job, pick any two.

Arizona redneck said...

Flexy steerer= Girvin Flexstem.

Roille Figners said...

I still use the plastic map holder that attaches to the top of my handlebar bag, that's right handlebar bag, whilst touring. Never needs charging. And you can keep all kinds of trivial little shit in the bag: snacks, sunglasses, bandana, camera... All your jersey-pocket stuff, without the jersey.

EricBikeCO said...

Bought a Niner RLT9. Why? It's not a fucking Trek Donadoneamanodone or Specialized Fuck You Canadian Bike Shop Guy. I wanted "relaxed" geometry cuz I'm old and don't care if I'm "aero" in the fuqin first place. Bumpy roads are Bumpy when I ride it. It rides smooth roads smooth-ly. It is laterally compliant when dodging cow shit on Routt County (ColArady) roads. It can be ridden around our lake that is a county road most of you passes call "double-track" with double-track that is single-sided... and I see a bald eagle. Also; It is not crabon. Fuck you Sinyard.

EricBikeCO said...

Bought a Niner RLT9. Why? It's not a fucking Trek Donadoneamanodone or Specialized Fuck You Canadian Bike Shop Guy. I wanted "relaxed" geometry cuz I'm old and don't care if I'm "aero" in the fuqin first place. Bumpy roads are Bumpy when I ride it. It rides smooth roads smooth-ly. It is laterally compliant when dodging cow shit on Routt County (ColArady) roads. It can be ridden around our lake that is a county road most of you passes call "double-track" with double-track that is single-sided... and I see a bald eagle. Also; It is not crabon. Fuck you Sinyard.

Anonymous said...

How dare you question the glorious specialized cock gobbler seatpost.

Old timer said...

PODIUM!

Mr Off-Topic said...

What day is it?

WEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDnesday

Cipo Jr on the prowl, Geico Camel nervously looking over shoulder cause someone said something about humping

BamaPhred said...

Mr Craigslist took care of my Spocktopus bike for me. It was ok, but I'm not missing it at all.

Smokey the Bear said...

In the last picture Devon looks like she'd like to be anyplace else on the face the planet Earth. I predict no wilderness BJ's or humping away in nature for Joe.

Captain Oblivious said...


Is it 5 o'clock somewhere?

Kerry said...

True Story.. Omata is Japanese for a... Vagina...

Anonymous said...

"By allowing the steerer tube to flex independently from the head tube"

I thought the whole point of moving to 1 1/8" (and then tapered) steerer tubes was to STOP the steerer from flexing independently from the head tube?

Anonymous said...

I mean wouldn't you just not take a bike computer with you if you were interested in that old-school feeling.

Joe said...

This is great! Love the comments. We're actually on the tour now. Believe it out not this one was all Devons idea! Www.lifeultralight.com

Unknown said...

I see Cippollini in your blog, and before I even read the paragraph, I'm laughing.

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