Monday, June 10, 2013

Welcome to the Jungle. We've Got Fun and Games!

Do you like to receive unsolicited advice?  Of course you do.  Well, my advice to you this morning is not to attempt to bunnyhop someone who just got hit by a car unless you're absolutely sure you can clear the victim:


Crystal City from Patriot on Vimeo.

I'm not really sure what happened here, but it seems like the perfect storm of poor course design, poor race marshaling, and the willingness of the typical road racer to run over his own mother for a mid-pack finish:



Nicely done all around.

Speaking of unsolicited advice, Dorothy "The Crypt Keeper" Rabinowitz:


Has made another video, which I won't even bother to embed because it's totally lame, and indeed it's really only noteworthy because she obtained a new hairdo and a series of Botox injections this time around:


The whole thing's just profoundly sad at this point.  Basically, it's like the "bike lobby" pinched her ass at the shuffleboard court, and while she may have pretended not to like it she went back to her condo, got all gussied up, and then returned to the scene of the crime in the hopes that it would happen again.

Sadly for her, it's not gonna.  She made "The Daily Show" and that's as good as it's going to get.  Time to get back in your coffin and close the door.

By the way, this whole conservative-pundits-hating-bikes things is a relatively recent development.  Consider William F. Buckley, who ran for mayor back in the 1960s:



And who proposed the sorts of "livable streets" reforms that would have made the people at Streetsblog mess their shants:

To relieve traffic congestion, Buckley proposed charging cars a fee to enter the central city, and a network of bike lanes.

I'm not sure what happened since then, but I blame pretty much all the negativity that comes our way on Portland and stupid stuff like the World Naked Bike Ride:


Portland is living proof that a society without shame quickly devolves into something about as culturally redeeming as a child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.

Meanwhile, in its ongoing attempt to hate bike share for paradoxical reasons, the Wall Street Jernel is now criticizing it for not being in enough places:

While New York City's nearly two-week-old bike-share program already is among the largest in the world, it's passing over neighborhoods where nearly 90% of the city population lives.

The solar-powered docking stations and the nearly 6,000 stocky blue Citi Bikes are located in Manhattan below 59th Street and selected neighborhoods of Brooklyn. Vast swaths of the city—including Queens, the Bronx, Staten Island, most of Brooklyn and much of Manhattan—are left bikeless.

In other words, the food is really terrible--and such small portions!

Since when does the Wall Street Jernel care about all those schlubs in Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island anyway?  It's all so transparent.  No, if they want to pretend to care about poor people convincingly they really need to copy the liberal hand-wringers at the New York Times, who are suddenly all worried about rich people stealing helments from people in the projects:


The line for helmets was very long, and yet few of the people I spoke to were actually residents of the Rutgers Houses or any of the neighboring public housing. I did, however, meet a svelte Argentine woman in running clothes who had come from the Upper East Side. There were also two young women who taught at Bard High School Early College and lived in brownstone Brooklyn, and a woman named Barbara Becker in the company of two sons who, she said when I inquired, attend Friends Seminary in Manhattan, where annual tuition is roughly 296 times the price of an expensive bike helmet (and 1,850 times the price of a helmet you can buy at Han’s Market, a convenience store next to the Clark Street kiosk that has quickly expanded its business from milk, soda and frozen foods to biking gear).

Oddly the Times is very upset about wealthy people snatching up all the cheap bike helments, but they have no problem with those same people hogging all the real estate.



Probably saddest of all though is newspapers in other cities with bike share who are trying to wheelsuck off of all this Citi Bike publicity.  Consider this article in the Boston Globe:


Which contained the following quote, as pointed out by commenter "Kilpatrick"on last Friday's post:

Even some avid cyclists, like 32-year-old Brooklynite Kym Chamber, treated the new bikes with skepticism. She worried about the safety of inexperienced cyclists unaccustomed to New York’s eat-or-be-eaten roads. And she wondered whether the influx of newbies would clog up the bike lanes, already too few and too narrow.

“I just don’t see this becoming the new Amsterdam,” Chambers said.

You do realize you're actually in New Amsterdam, right Kym?

Of course you do.

Lastly, if you're a redhead who likes ice cream you totally missed your chance to get laid:

redhead with bike on 1st ave 4th st eating ice cream - w4m (East Village)

saturday afternoon i passed the cutest red head leaning against his bike, eating ice cream in front of a deli on 1st ave and 4th st. i stopped mid sentence and my stomach sank. he completely did not see me other than a quick look at my leg and he'll never see this but im posting this anyway because he was so cute. and had cute and tan freckly bike legs. drool. 

if your hot ginger bike friend was around the east village on saturday tell him to send me his picture!

Sucks for you.

67 comments:

babble on said...

Is it MONDAY again!?!

Mario Cippolini said...

still Eating P___y

Anonymous said...

podio?

JB said...

Back from vacay...

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Doin_it said...

Thank Lob the AICAR/HGH/gw 1516 is kicking in just in time.

Robot stack failure

ChamoisJuice said...

I broke the half your age plus seven rule this weekend AND I AM FULL OF REGRET.

Paul Bowen said...

Top 10 BAY-BEE!!

Hullo all, congrats Babs.

3G said...

Top 10 on the early side

Roille Figners said...

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees, knees

"What the fuck dude, why aren't you hitting your reps bro?"

oreceps ruston

DB said...

Thanks for the Joe Flaherty photo! SCTV was my favorite show.

BamaPhred said...

Top 10? Can't believe the person running over the victim. That's some mean streets

leroy said...

Finally tried the Citi Bike share program this weekend. The bikes and program were great for running errands; very convenient, easy to use.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out how to swap the bike’s factory pedals for my clipless. My dog insists he and his buddies had no problems. He also told me you get a discount for riding in a full lycra kit, but I couldn’t figure out how that worked either.

The only real problem was that one kiosk in Brooklyn wasn’t working yesterday morning, another wasn’t working last night, and three others weren’t working this morning. But customer support was great; they insist on staying on the line until they guide you to a kiosk that works.

I suspect Dotty Rabinowitz is the problem. She looks like a gremlin who would sabotage software.

Or if not a gremlin, then to quote Sacha Baron Cohen, a midget in a chemo wig.

(Is it just me or does Dotty just make stuff up?)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dang... early bird gets the worm, Babs...
women on top, yay.

E. Griffin said...

Sorry BikeSnob, but you are way off on the bit about the racer who bunny hopped the person in the road. What else was he to do at 30mph coming into that situation? Hit the car? Crash into the field? He did the best thing possible, avoiding hurting the person in the street, did so taking the risk himself.

http://timrugg.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-1-hitting-road-literally.html

BamaPhred said...

No top 10, need captcha epo. Had to know more about bike crash. Interweb search turned up details. Keystone Kops, all of them, but BikeHugger sez deft bike handling on part of the failed bunny hopper prevented more injury. I'm so confused. I guess so. They could have all gone done in a spectacular heap. Then we would have had Nascar and both spectators could have thrown their beer bottles at them.

McFly said...

Eating ice cream is a sacred ritual that should only be interrupted by more ice cream or possibly the addition of toppings(long as it ain't no dang rainbow sprinkles).

She should not be offended.

Anonymous said...

YO CJ how old was she?

ChamoisJuice said...

my advice to you this morning is not to attempt to bunnyhop someone ...unless you're absolutely sure you can clear the victim:

DerZoots said...

Top Twoonty and I reeeds it!!!!!!!!!!


FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

shall partssu

Robo-deflector engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChamoisJuice said...

23. Skin was so smooth. Otherwise, kinda deer in the headlights... too innocent to enjoy degrading. I have this bad feeling she fell in love with me.... DON'T DO THAT.

Anonymous said...

My young friend brought his girl to the house this weekend. She is 24 and her ass jiggles even when she is standing still. He said "Oh dude she is a squirter. It's crazy. You got to put a towel down."

I think I may be in love myself.

Brian Van said...

More on the Crystal City bike crash (idiots): http://www.bikehugger.com/post/view/crystal-cup-crit-crash?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BikeHugger+(Bike+Hugger)

Anonymous said...

Stay Left, Stay Left, Right Right Right...

Anonymous said...

Mid-pack finish!

Perry said...

A happy Monday cloacal kiss for all of you. In case you were wondering why the dbags at the Jernal hate bike share so much, it is neatly summarized at the link below. (As usual, the real drama is in the comments.)

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/06/venn-diagram-why-conservatives-hate-citi-bike.html

Comment deleted said...

It makes me so happy to see Joe Flaherty on a Monday morning. When he was doing Buckley, his tongue would slither and dart about like a snake. It was revolting and hilarious. SCTV was the best.

Congrats, Babs! How are the podium boys treating you?

scranus said...

Lantern Rouge clipping race official!

Anonymous said...

saw both bro's and touristas around town on citi bikes this weekend....seemed alright...didnt crash into any 4 year olds walking with their grandmothers along the sidewalk............

dnk said...

Snob,

The Gina Bellafante NY Times article was much better than you make it out to be.

In the first sentence Bellafante calls out Dorothy Rabinowitz as spending "four minutes making crazy-lady assertions about cycling’s hold on New York"

Bellafante then goes on to voice support for the bike sharing and tries it out for herself. She finds the system buggy and cannot get a bike. She is a journalist, she reports it. Nothing wrong there.

She then checks out a helmet distribution program designed to get low-income people safely on bikes and she finds a bunch of privileged white people at the front of the freebie line. Sounds like she has found the David Byrne Zone.

Anonymous said...

I don't know. That struck official seems like an unfortunate situation that didn't go from bad to worse.

Look at all the people that weren't there to watch.

Typical of USAC, they'll now enforce some rule never-before enforced despite being in the rule book for decades and raise insurance rates.

Lucky for you USAC members, you weren't spending enough money going around in circles with no one watching or caring. Now you'll get to spend $1 more on insurance that denies claims and complain bitterly about the dollar while riding a $10,000 bicycle.

Marcel Da Chump said...

William F. Buckley used to party conservatively with John Candy.

ChamoisJuice said...

More roadies hurting themselves trying to ride in circles...

It's funny, because everyone hates roadies.

McFly said...

I really like Dorothy's new hair cut. It really brings out her angst.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to have nightmares about those people with the pretentious brownstone blog. I really wish I could un-see it and go back to living in the oblivious bliss of not knowing that exists.

P. Bateman said...

good lord Chamois, that was indeed a rather nasty wreck.

i'd bitch that is was monday and i'd bitch about stupid people hating simple concepts like the bike share, but i will not bitch because i was pulled over today for doing a rolling stop at a stop sign (in a car. it was in a neighborhood at 5 mph) and was also informed that i had a warrant out in GA for an unpaid ticked. he let me go without even a written warning. nice guy that cop. so, i can't bitch.

Rich ngtCntr - looks like rich nugget center. which sounds like a thing.

mikeweb said...

leroy,

Saw you heading the opposite way on the GWB yesterday. I hope you had a nice ride. I did until my stem's binder bolt sheared off near the Javits center and the bike became unrideable. With the bars like that, I wouldn't been able to bunny hop anymore people either.

Sounds like CJ did some bunny hopping himself.

Perrico Delgado said...

My new goal in life is to bunny-hop an accident victim. Epikk!!! Nice post today snob--hilarious

leroy said...

Mikeweb -- If I had known that was you, I would have stopped to say hello. (I seem to have some allergies this past week that have made my ears feel like they're filled with chocolate pudding, so I wouldn't have heard you if you had called out.)

Had a great ride. Went to Nyack, tried out Gypsy Donuts. Pretty good.

I had to ride. My dog had already convinced me to kit up to run errands on the Citi Bike earlier.

Sorry about the binder bolt! Hope you didn't find out whether you can still go over the handlebars if the bars come off in your hands.

Fritz said...

When WFB died he took the only knownliving example of Locust Valley Lockjaw with him....what a shame

Matt said...

When I first tried the Paris Velib it took fifteen tries to get one that a) took an American credit card (an AMEX finally worked) and b) wasn't in a Windows XP reset loop. Yep, Velib runs on XP. Eeks-Pay, I think they say it. When I finally got a bike, the lock on it was broken and it took several tries to find a rack with an empty space to leave it.

tinctures cardsmoi even my Captch sounds French

Roille Figners said...

I used to like schoolin' the young'uns. Usually they haven't had anyone with SKILLZ yet, and you can easily make them come, blow their mind and earn their doglike loyalty, by use of only rudimentary techniques.

Which is when it occurred to me that "Watching The Detectives" is subtextually about this, particularly the line "It only took my little fingers to blow you away." Discuss.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Leroy,

was that your dog taking a piss on the GW this weekend? there was a ferry boat below with some kind of party aboard, and they got rained on.

i couldn't stop to verify because the line of ant-cyclists was longer that the bridge.

perfect day up there in nyack.

mikeweb said...

leroy,

Fortunately for this second stem failure for me now in the last 3 years, it occurred at a very low speed, so I managed to brake to a stop. The last time it happened, I had to improvise by steering one handed with the stem (a 110) whilst braking with the other hand.

db said...

I think Dorothy's new 'do is called a Helen Chenoweth, and it all suddenly makes sense.

Also, this.

Cipo's Back, and Dining al Fresco Now? said...

Dorothy must be living on the reverse aging planet. Having hit 100 she is now heading back down the chronological sequence. In her younger days she was a bunny at the Playboy Club, and she was known for her hopping. Hopping right in the sack with any media mogul who came along and promised her a part. She got a part alright.

The video bunny hopper launched himself by going right straight up the guys butt crack, excellent handling. To bad he couldn't land it, would have been sweet. Electricity from the Chevy Volt electrocuted some dog on the sidewalk who ran out to bite the car, the car swerved to miss the dog (always better to run over a person instead of a dog, the dog just thinks "WTF", whereas a person screams "Mother F'er"), wonder if Leroy's dog was in that area at that time?

babble on said...

I'd ask for cloacal kisses for my finish but you know I prefer penises.

Why do I feel like I've been run over by a peloton?

Maybe it's cause I just spent the morning in the dentist's chair, making sure absolutely everything that needs doing is done before my benefits expire.

I could do with a drink, except I can't stop drooling...

oh help.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear Ms. Babble -

Well now this is odd.

When my dog can't stop drooling, it usually means he's had too much to drink.

Dooth said...

The bespectacled naked middle-aged guy seems fascinated by something. I can't figure out what it might be...

JB said...

What's with the loose wires hanging off the front of that brownstone?

Jimboer said...

Parabens Babs!

Yarpo said...

The morning ride was going fine until some motherfucker in a black Lexus SUV hit my riding partner while we were descending the lower part of Page Mill Road in the Los Altos Hills. Didn't even slow down, just kept going with a big dent in the right-front quarter panel. Out of cell range, so calling 911 didn't work.
Partner flew through the air and landed on his shoulder, bruising it badly, something of a miracle landing, so he's alive with a pending visit to the doctor and some road rash.

The funny thing is that a few minutes before it happened, I was musing on the idea that if someone from the wealthy neighborhood we were riding through hit a cyclist, they would probably keep going so as not to disturb their own day.

Now it's not so funny. May the Karmic Shitstorm find the Fuckstick Dildoburger in that Lexus...and soon, before he does it to anyone else.

May you all be safe out there.

Grump said...

Snobby, that Crit course looks like something they'd use in a figure 8 Demo Derby.

Anonymous said...

That Lexus loser is going to get his, because hitting and running

causes roupgoi

xxXDaveXxx said...

Yep - I 'member racin' 'em crazy ass figger eight races back in da 'Bama. Mr. Sheriff - well, he'd a stan dere all, "I dare ya lycra ass faggots to run me down!" We uz all, "Yep, Missuh Sheriff, you gonna get run down." Then Johnny, you remember Johnny from the stripper pole takeover downtown at the big bar by the causeway, well, he done went and done said - afore the race even started - he done said, "I'z a gon' run that sheriff down - that sumbitch put my bruddah in the pen and he goin' DOWN!" Whistle don' blowed an' Johnny, well, he crazy like Jacky Durand, an' take a fuckin' flyer at da gun! Yep! He outta range and outta sight like Fores' Gump runnin' cross country! Bitch gone, but uh oh! Sheriff done spot his faggotty orange prissy bike and done stick him's po-leese stick out and inta dem spokes! He stan' dere all, "Ï's da sheriff - bes' spec, boy!" He stan dere, an' stan dere, den WHAM! Johnny hit him smack dab in da ches! Bowled ova him's ass! Laughs all roun' in da peloton! Snicker, snicker! Pass the ceegars and beers boyz, we done got one! Faggotty gubmint boy gone down fo' da count!!! Johnny never same afa' dat day. He all quiet. Not hisself. Visit him's bruddah ever' day in da pen now. Ain't missed a day in 37 - that jes so fer. Johnny differnt now. All interspectif an' shit..." Ed an' Tom tried to take him out fer beers. No inxtrest. Not even wanna grab da boobies o' da strippahs! Johnny quiet, diffrent...

Frilly Chick said...

Nicely done Babbs!

McFly said...

Check out my new blog BSTENN, it's like BSNYC but with more bottle rockets and less Hasids.

dnk said...

Thanks for salting my nut!

ce said...

"Fuckstick dildoburger in a black Lexus SUV" - you're going to have to be more specific, you just described every driver of a black Lexus SUV. Oh, that's right, the dint from running down a cyclist, that should hopefully narrow it down a bit. Hope your buddy recovers quickly.

McFly, looking forward to your next post!

BamaPhred said...

Neat blog McFly I would be a little apprehensive meeting "Doggy Style The Rectum Recker" but one should not judge either.

Just Ride said...

After I received a brief health screening at the Senior's Center,the nurse speculated that I will not die of heart disease, so that leaves some other interesting possibilities.(People in their thirties worry about ageing but when you hit sixty you accept that you are doomed)
If not death by heart disease I don't need to worry about Terminal Bonk when riding.
Still, training injuries could be a bitch.

Anonymous said...

Poo and pee

Dorothy Sez Bikes NO Good said...

Yarpo@632: Those GoPro type Russian dashboard mounted cameras are looking more and more like a necessity for bikes, maybe you would have gotten the license number. This past Sunday I was on a descent approaching a traffic light which was green for me, about 25 yards before I reached the intersection a car ran the red light, going completely across the intersection from left to right, and it was flying. And I couldn't see it approaching the intersection because of trees and brush. If not for a little difference in timing I could have been splattered all over the hood.

Just Ride said...

Manhattan Real Estate Overview.

McFly said...

Yeah I actually (I hate when people use actually to state self-evident truths) ran into him last weekend. The place he docks is a real shit hole.

Verna said...

This is cool!