(Religious fanaticism and genocide is fun for the whole family!)
"So what is this having to do with me?," you ask from some socialist utopia that isn't America while a doctor tends to your wounds for free.
Well, what it means is that I'll be sticking my face into a turkey immediately following this post, and I won't be taking it out again until Monday, November 30th, at which point I will resume regular updates.
Yep, I'm taking the week off, and I advise you do the same.
You can thank me later when you're lying on the beach drinking oversized novelty cocktails, or else even later than that when the money runs out and you're destitute.
Meanwhile, if you ride a bike in New York City, you may be surprised to learn that the greatest danger you face is from other cyclists:
Though you're right to be surprised, because it's a load of fucking bullshit.
Apparently the headline refers to a bit of advice the author received from this guy:
For this trip, I went with my friend Joseph Phelan, a progressive media activist who was once a bike messenger in the city. Joseph has the cuffed pants, full sleeve tattoos and skinny tires of a real bike commuter. He is my biking spirit animal. But the real challenge in the ride came later, when I biked back on my own.
Yeah, I think that's pretty much the opposite of a real bike commuter, especially the "skinny tires" part.
Anyway, in addition to telling the author that cyclists are more dangerous than motorists, he also gives here the world's shittiest cobblestone advice:
Basically from Christopher to 14th, whatever route we were taking seemed 70 percent cobblestone. Joseph said something about standing up, biking with my ass off my seat.
“You get more control that way and it’s easier on your body,” he explained. I tried it and almost fell over. Again, not a real “bike commuter.”
Who the hell is this Joseph Phelan? Skinny tires? Standing while riding over cobblestones?!? Of course she almost fell over!
This guy may hate salmon, but his advice is completely backwards.
He's basically salmoning logistically.
No wonder this city's in such a state, it's the cuffed-panted and tattooed leading the blind out there.
Speaking of the actual greatest danger to cyclists (and pedestrians, and themselves) in New York City, here's what it takes to get in trouble for killing someone with your car here:
UPPER WEST SIDE — The driver who fatally struck a local mother last year on West End Avenue had hit and injured three other pedestrians earlier in the year in separate incidents — including a hit-and-run involving a 13-year-old boy in Queens, authorities said.
Yes, incredibly this idiot was still on the road after already hitting three other people that same year--though apparently the Assistant DA thinks it's reasonable to assume an idiot of this magnitude would stop driving out of a sense of enlightened civic responsibility:
Those crashes "prove that he knows (or should know) that he is a bad driver," according to a trial motion submitted by Assistant Manhattan District Attorney Michael Pasinkoff, who prosecuted Mercado.
.Shouldn't the DMV know this guy's a bad driver and take away his goddamn license?!?
What a fucking disaster.
It's enough to drive you into the woods, though it's dangerous there too. For example, remember this guy? You know, the fearless Yonkers deer who practically dared me to get closer to him or else?
Well, I couldn't help thinking of that horse video I wrote about the other day--and specifically about how we're apparently supposed to kiss their giant timid easily-startled asses if we come across them while mountain biking:
("Hallo! Please, I beseech you to proceed, for you are astride the noble equine, and I am merely a lowly fat biker.")
Well, next it occurred to me that if these horses are so goddamn anxious, and Yonkers deer have nerves of steel and are all like, "You want some of this? I'll give your ass a twist of Lyme, bike boy," then maybe cross-breeding the two would at least make the horses less skittish:
By the way, I am deeply freaked out by that horse's different-color David Bowie eyes.
See? One's all like this:
And the other one's all like this:
Lastly, the only thing Americans have more contempt for than bikes are the poor people who live under our highway system, which is why the only time bikes are used to represent truth and justice is in news reports like this:
I guess we're supposed to feel vindicated, but I mostly just felt depressed.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll whinny and neigh, and if you're wrong you'll see some sweet stunt riding.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and keep your voice down because you don't want to SCARE THE HORSES!!!
See you back here on Monday, November 30th.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) At the opening of London's first bicycle superhighway, mayor Boris Johnson was given:
--A Team Sky Pinarello
--A lesson in how to put on a helme(n)t
--A major award
2) Which is not one of the Citi Bike rules?
--Yield to pedestrians
--Stay off the sidewalk
--Obey traffic lights
--Pull off into the wind
3) The Everysight Raptor cyclist smartglasses are marketed by a company that also makes:
--Fighter jet and rotary wing helmet-mounted display systems
--Integrated circuits as well as displays for smart phones and other consumer electronics
--Visual effects on live action films
--Groucho glasses, X-Ray Specs, and other hilarious novelty items
4) This lock solves which nonexistent problem?
--It shortens the process of locking your bike from two seconds to slightly under two seconds
--It requires a fingerprint for some reason
--It works like one of those arcade claw machines, which are never annoying
--All of the above
5) What is the purported advantage of the Proval chainring?
--It simplifies the process of front derailleur adjustment
--It keeps you from dropping your chain
--It prevents your pant leg from getting caught in your drivetrain
--It takes your load better
6) What's the purpose of Mario Cipollini's plunging neckline?
--It eliminates the problem of food and wine stains
--It allows him to remove his shirt at parties without messing up his hair
--All of the above
7) Cat 6-ing a subway train is a great way to make a love connection.
***Special "Radball Is For The Children"--Themed Bonus Video!***