Monday, November 30, 2015

If only we'd known then what we know now...

Eight years ago, I received an email from the future.  It was from myself, and it was dated November 30th, 2015.  Here's what it said:


At the time, I merely marked it as spam and forgot about it.  However, every one of those things turned out to be true.  Pizza Hut does make a pretzel pizza.  I did run out of toilet paper this morning.  (Good thing I keep a stack of Pizza Hut menus by the toilet.)  And yes, there is now an electric fixie, which is additional proof (as if you even needed it) that there is no God:



Sure, we all knew on some level that the fixie would be the beach cruiser of the 21st century:


But while it was fairly obvious that most fixies would end up being ridden on boardwalks slowly by winos, few of us could have imagined that they would one day be electrified:


This is very much like the moment Bob Dylan went electric, only he did so when his career was on the ascendent, whereas the fixie craze spun out completely at least five years ago...so I suppose this is more like if Bob Dylan waited until today to go electric, which is to say nobody would give a shit.

Oh, also, it's one of those coasting fixies:


So in essence it's like a lip-synching Bob Dylan going electric in 2015.

Anyway, the so-called "eFixie" apparently goes 20mph, but according to the video it can actually hit 21mph, though I'm assuming you'll need a tailwind for that:


It's also capable of ascending the 21 hairpins of Alpe d'Meh:


Oh my god the test rider isn't wearing a helme(n)nt etc. etc.


Speaking of helme(n)ts, a twitterer brought the following article to my attention, which is still more proof that a) there is no God; and b) helme(n)ts are the instruments of our oppression.  Yes, according to the California Highway Patrol, if you get killed while not wearing a helme(n)t it's automatically your fault:


On Nov. 2, Judge Matthew Gary was driving his Toyota pickup truck on Fair Oaks Boulevard when he hit a bicycle ridden by Margaret Bengs, 66, who died the next day. Shortly after her death, a CHP spokeswoman said Bengs appeared to be at fault, in part because she was not wearing a helmet.

Though not only was the victim wearing a helme(n)t, but she was in fact in possession of a second, auxiliary helme(n)t, which indicates the CHP was lying about something that didn't even make a difference in the first place:

But a witness who stayed with her until paramedics arrived said she was wearing a helmet, and Bengs’ family says she had two helmets among her belongings at the hospital. Her relatives also note that Bengs died the day after the crash, not two days after, as the CHP had first reported.

Yes, this is the current state of affairs: one helme(n)t is no longer enough, and in order to be absolved posthumously for somehow causing your own death while riding a bicycle, you've got to establish that you were using multiple helme(n)ts:

Maffucci said she received two helmets in her sister’s belongings from the accident scene. One, marked with blood, she had been wearing, while the other helmet had been secured to her bike, Maffucci said.

And of course somehow, despite all this, you've got the "same rights and responsibilities as motorists:"

Christopher Gayner, a traffic accident reconstruction expert in Santa Barbara, said bicyclists have the same rights and responsibilities as motorists.

Which is of course complete bullshit.  You don't have the same rights at all, since driving is a license to kill whereas cycling is considered a death wish.  Furthermore, the notion that you have the same responsibilities while riding a 20lb bicycle as you do while driving a 3,000lb Hyundai is about as absurd as the idea that corporations are people--which evidently they are, so there you go, welcome to America.

Nevertheless, some people do recognize that it's absurd to treat cars and bikes like they're the same machine, and to that end a New York City Councilman has proposed a bill to correct this:


Silly New York Post, I don't need a law to let me do that, I'm doing just fine as it is.

Here, let me fix that for you:

That's better.

So what would this bill do anyway?  Well, according to the article:

Big Apple bicyclists would be allowed to cruise through red lights and stop signs after merely slowing down and looking both ways, under a proposed bill by a city councilman.

Wait, we'd have to slow down and look both ways?  I thought the headline said we'd be able to blow right through!  What a ripoff.  And why qualify the "slowing down and looking both ways" with the adverb (it is an adverb, right?) "merely?"  There's nothing "mere" about that, because it's certainly more than what most motorists do.

Of course, what do you expect from "bike-crazy Williamsburg?"

The measure, introduced by Antonio Reynoso — who represents bike-crazy Williamsburg — would lift the requirement that cyclists follow the same traffic-light rules as motor-vehicle drivers.

Yeah, they're about ten years too late on that one.  Even the Post should be embarrassed to still be trading on the old "hipsters on fixies" stereotype.  Those days are long gone, and Williamsburg is well into the "douchebags in Ubers" phase.

Still, it's important to remember that New York City isn't Idaho:

The change would be even more extreme than the laws in Idaho, which has become known for the nation’s most pro-bike rules, allowing riders to treat red lights as stop signs and stop signs as yield signs. Such rolling stops have earned the name “the Idaho stop” among avid city bikers.

But bringing such rural rules to New York City, which has five times the population of Idaho, is being called a terrible idea by pedestrian advocates.

Yeah, that's a dangerous argument.  Maybe with five times the population of Idaho we shouldn't have any cars, either.

Nah.  Without cars how would we maintain our quality of life?

95 comments:

David B. said...

1.
Watch out
You might get what you're after
Cool baby
Strange but not a stranger
I'm an or di na ry guy
Burning down the house

Anonymous said...

Podium

Freddy Murcks said...

Well cum back, Snob.

Ted K. said...

83. Some people partly satisfy their need for power by identifying themselves with a powerful organization or mass movement. An individual lacking goals or power joins a movement or an organization, adopts its goals as his own, then works toward those goals. When some of the goals are attained, the individual, even though his personal efforts have played only an insignificant part in the attainment of the goals, feels (through his identification with the movement or organization) as if he had gone through the power process. This phenomenon was exploited by the fascists, nazis and communists. Our society uses it too, though less crudely. Example: Manuel Noriega was an irritant to the U.S. (goal: punish Noriega). The U.S. invaded Panama (effort) and punished Noriega (attainment of goal). Thus the U.S. went through the power process and many Americans, because of their identification with the U.S., experienced the power process vicariously. Hence the widespread public approval of the Panama invasion; it gave people a sense of power. [15] We see the same phenomenon in armies, corporations, political parties, humanitarian organizations, religious or ideological movements. In particular, leftist movements tend to attract people who are seeking to satisfy their need for power. But for most people identification with a large organization or a mass movement does not fully satisfy the need for power.

Old timer said...

Po-dee-OH!!

Snobby…welcome back!!!

Anonymous asshole said...

If I'm not pressing on the accelerator, I'm pushing on the horn.
That's what I call quality of life.

Anonymous said...

I thought the electric bike thing would be depressing enough for the day. But then you put e-Bike angst all in perspective with the 1-2 (helmet) sucker punch.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Patiently awaiting ... and in the tens!

Welcome Back Sr. Snob! I hope all went well over the holiday...

vsk

N/A said...

Well, well, well, look who has finally decided to get back to work.

bad boy of the north said...

welcome back to the "real" world.thought that last vid was nyc,circa 1960.alas...2015.well,back to the program already in progress.

N/A said...

Even our helments need helments!


Specialized is currently developing a California-approved helment: It completely surrounds the wearer's entire body, has airbags in case of collision, an internal safety cage, movement-limiting straps, safety-glass viewing portals (that they have dubbed "windows"), and an easy on/off mechanism called "doors". Currently the helment weighs several thousand pounds, so they have placed engines in them to assist the riders.

Mike P said...

Ah the mating song of the automobile. Quite beautiful with their rear eyes aglow and notice the slow crawl so they can be fully checked out by a potential mate.

Gabe Kotter said...

Welcome back, Mr. Rock Machine.

(Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot...)

P. Bateman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P. Bateman said...

Whats that state with the potatoes and the lenient bike laws?

Idaho.

and i da' the pimp so give me my damn money!


p.s. - that video with the traffic jam made me very horny.

Bryan said...

Glad to have you back as part of my regular work day routine! I like how the efixie stole the triple triangle frame from GT. :slowclap:
Did you get any good riding in? I had to after completely gourging myself. I would have been happy not to, but, the guilt of seconds and deserts and all that....sigh.

cdinvb said...

Downhill.
No brakes.
Tailwind.
Woo Hoo!
Rain.

Anonymous said...

"Limited Time, Get it Now" For erections lasting more than four hours seek medical help immediately.

babble on said...

Welcome back, Snobberdoodles.

That Idaho stop law has proven to reduce crashes, and really ought to be on the books everywhere. Oh! Speaking of crashes, last week the Pembina Institute published a study which concluded that Vancouver has the lowest incidence of crashes involving cyclists in Canada, largely because of our cycling infrastructure. The woman who spoke with the press said that much of our cycling infrastructure is simply routes on less than busy streets, where motorists and cyclists mix, and she pointed out that even that small measure makes it safer for cyclists. I would like to point out that those particular routes are actually too narrow for a bike route and car traffic, and that's where I was hit by a car last month. Just sayin...

Anonymous said...

"I like how the efixie stole the triple triangle frame from GT."

I bet literally stole it. As in took a GT bike, stripped it, repainted it, bolted on a cheap Chinese made moter hub rear wheel and matching colorway parts, and TA DAA! they have an "invention" to sell on kickstarter.

P. Bateman said...

@anon - think you may be right - think that is indeed a GT.

seems like it would be hard to not move your legs while riding your little moped?

god i wanted a GT Performer so bad back 80's. that thing was HOT.

JB said...

Wait, it's a fixie with a freewheel? But then it's not a...

Babble, V has the lowest amount/rate of crashes, but you have the highest crash amount/rate of any BSNYC commenter (who has chosen to share). Trying to get my arms around that. My first thought is that you are lucky you live in V BC.

Rubber side down...

Rex Havoc said...

We don't need no stinking bill to blow stoplights

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Now the all powerful bike lobby wants me to blow them? Sorry, I'm holding out for HORS DONG. Speaking of which, welcome to David B., but where is my beloved unicorn?

Anonymous said...

dat contact patch tho

JLRB said...

Ah nothing like some fresh Snob to lighten the day ... thanks!

Dorothy make sure you wear a helment - that HORS DONG can be a little unwieldy

Winky said...

Babbs. Yes, a thousand times yes, on the bike routes. I was caught in bike route hell a few weeks back when over on the other side of town, coming back from around Metrotown. The back street bike routes are infested with parked cars, leaving barely room for a single lane which has to accommodate cars and bikes from both directions. It's a frickin' nightmare. I tried the convoluted bike routes, but I ended up just getting onto Kingsway which was much less hazardous and many times faster. At least the cars were going in same direction and at about the same speed as I was.

Freddy Murcks said...

TedK is back and ranting and raving about heaven knows what. Where the fuck is the goddamn unicorn?

FakeTed said...

I ate your little unicorn and paired it with a glass of chianti from a straw wrapped bottle

N/A said...

Unicorn is better with a spicy mustard and a nice cold lager.

dop said...

If I have a wahhoo that lasts 4 hours, I'm not showing it to my doctor...Julie Roberts watch out

Freddy Murcks said...

Thanks for the update, FakeTed. Nevertheless, I think it was pretty selfish of you to eat the unicorn. Also, you should know that while the blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something so pure and defenseless to save yourself, you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touched your lips.

Eric the Infrequent said...

Yeah, the back street bike routes here in west Denver are a plague of parked cars, stop signs and zig zag navigation. Lord forbid we have a straight route without stopping every quarter mile.

dop said...

And if Julie Roberts doesn't want to see it, of course I understand

Bobby Dylan said...

That’s not my real name. My name is actually Robert Allen Zimmerman. My true bros call me “Zimmy”. Or "Al".

Roille Figners said...

This thing is just making me go "fuck it I'm leasing a Hyundai" and I pronounce that "HUNE day" or "HYOON day" because if it was fuckin hun-day then wouldn't it be spelled that way? I ain't neva heard of no silent Y. But I guess our parents on Madison Ave. thought it would be too hard for us to say fuckin HUNE DAY... but it ain't hard... fuckin HUNE, DAY! Whew, glad to get that off my chest after almost 30 years!

N/A said...

I can't handle that kind of pressure, so that's why I bought a Kia.

McFly said...

Through the course of this broken arm I have had at least three (3) people ask me "BUT WERE YOU WEARING A HEMLENT?"

N/A said...

Tell 'em you were wearing a rubber, too. Just in case.

N/A said...

Shit, man, things coulda' gone either way...

Glory said...

Echoing JB here but I've got to yell about it too--if it free-wheels it's not a fixie it's a single-speed and words mean things dammit.

Okay, back to my 16th-century cave to hide from the interwebs and the kids these days, to whom get offa my lawn ya miscreants.

Roille Figners said...

They ought to have concern-trolling police & journalists present every time a woman sues a man for child support and they can report whether he was wearing a "condorm" or not.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

I've always assumed there is God, albeit one with a peculiar sense of humor who -- to paraphrase Woody Allen -- is a bit of an underachiever.

In any event, sometimes the cosmos do line up and the results are happy. A new bike is on its way to me from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I'm out of town, but my dog, who exists and I can prove it, has offered to sign for delivery.

What could possibly go wrong?

Roille Figners said...

Nice one Leroy! I'm jelly!

janinedm said...

I'll confess. I got doored the Wednesday before last. But the only thing that got broken was a brake lever and a water bottle. Rear wheel knocked out of true. I did get a goose egg on my left butt cheek, forcing me to work from home so I could lie on my stomach like a teenage girl on the phone, but it has healed.

Lou Reed from the dead said...

Ted K:

Some people got no choice, they can never find a voice

to speak in


that they can call their own

So the first thing that they see, That gives them the right to be, they follow it.

Ya know, it's called...."Bad Luck"

Gag me with a spoon said...

There are still a few places in the world where fixies are cool, including parts of California (like the Valley), and they even think that CX races on fixies are cool........But if Valley kidz think something is cool..................

bad boy of the north said...

congrats,leroy,on your new ride.did you order a sidecar,er,sidebike to go with the Milwaukee?

Anonymous said...

I couldn't be arsed looking at the electric fixie video and stuff, but a power assisted fixie might actually be a good idea.

If it were a "SmartBike" with logarithms and nano-bots and what not, it could be designed so the power system kicks in only at certain times and at a certain amount meaning that you only ever exert the same amount of energy to propel the bike at a reasonable speed regardless of inclines or declines or tailwinds or headwinds or variable road surfaces or the load on the bike etc.

As I say, I didn't trouble myself to look further into it, but if it doesn't work the way I have described, please nobody rip-off my idea, thanks.

JLRB said...

Anon @4:21 - why not just ride an exercycle if you want constant effort? I personally think changes in required effort are part of the beauty of bikecycling ...

JLRB said...

Leroy - Nice bike, but be careful what your dog says about Mr. T-rump - look what he does to people who make fun of him

But crazy sells to crazy people, and crazy rich people buying people who buy ink by the barrel can do whatever they want ...

different Rollie said...

The guy's campaign is basically one continuous "senior moment." Wifeypoo thinks he was secretly hired by the Clintons as a decoy.

JLRB said...

http://trumpisanasshat.com/

Jack Black said...

he bought me a soda and he tried to molest me in the parking lot

Anon @4:21 said...

JLRB,

"beauty of bikecycling"?

That's for aesthetes and book-of-the-month types.

This is about marketing and Kickstarter hipster cred, so it would need the blue teeth and a soporific promo video to go with it, but an impressive campaign (even if the product tanks) is more "beautiful" than bikecycling.

Frank Black said...

What's the name of the song? EXPLOSIVO! Don't know what it's about, but it's good to go

U.S.A.! U.S.A! said...

European Bike stealing championships:
Amsterdam is the "winner".
http://www.welovecycling.com/blog/132087/video-european-bike-stealing-championships/

Dooth said...

You know, I'm about ten years from retirement and slowly riding my track bike on a boardwalk is so in my plans. But if I need an Efixie...put me in a nursing home.

U2 said...

Hyundai,
Bloody Hyundai.

Anonymous said...

What is with new yorkers and blasting the horn in traffic?!

Los Bravos said...

Frank or Jack Black is Black

41 Years Later said...

Still have that one song

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 4:21, but there already exists such an invention -- it is called gears...oh, wait, I get it now...well played, sir.

the commentariat said...

Janinedm, pictures of dat ass or it didn't happen.

Spokey said...


rollie

i've considered wifeypoo's position from time to time. not totally convinced. but it those two are the candidates, i may have to borrow leroy's dog's gun and shoot meself.

Anonymous said...

Babble at 1136 "The woman who spoke..." + " and that's where I was hit by a car last month" You and her get along real good?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Leroy, The "Cancellara" model bike you ordered, leg or battery powered, or a hybrid?

DB said...

Leroy:
If you don't trust your dog to take possession of your new bike, Crosspalms and I can drive up to Milwaukee and pick it up. We may have to try it out, but the seat won't be chewed up.

babble on said...

?? What do you mean? Do I get along with the woman from the Pembina Institute? Well, as much as I tend to be rather amenable, I do beg to differ with her opinion that the designated bike "routes" are safe for cyclists, because they're too narrow, and too clogged with parked cars for proper visibility. Never mind the lack of enforcement of the speed limits... So no.. I don't think we particularly think we see eye to eye.

JB - Right??! And it has only been these past coupla years, too. Before that the last time I'd had a mishap was as a bike messenger in the eighties when I'd been doored and right hooked. But all of those broken bones have changed how I look at things. This weekend, I dropped out of the club ride within a coupla km, cause the frost was so bad that one guy almost went down on a straight road, just cause he hit an uneven patch of pavement. No point taking any unnecessary chances. Rubber side down indeed.

Janine DM -That sucks. Sorry to hear it. What a relief that you came out of your incident without serious injury. Whatcha need now is a bit of hot tottie to give you a good massage...

Leroy - Nice bike!! You really ought to bring it to Vancouver... I would be ever so happy to show you round town.

Winky - I was travelling from Kits to Metrotown when I got hit, on the bike route on tenth. The city currently has a poll to determine what cyclists think of that particular disaster of a bike lane, so please check it out and give em your two cents. Some of the options they are suggesting is to make it one way in places, and that might go a way to reducing the danger. I think that eliminating parking on one side of the street would help, too, cause between the door zone and the narrow road, it's just too much

Arizona redneck said...

So the "Snowbirds " are back for another Winter. RV parks filled with clueless Canadians oblivious to anything or anyone besides themselves and their petty desires. Demanding people, mostly, who make pronouncements of the obvious as if the whole world was populated with provincial ninnies like themselves. Cheapest people alive and dumber than cattle. It'll be Spring eventually. ...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Welcome back Snobster! Nice to see you survived your extended whatever-that-was.

JLRB said...

Babs - Taking away a lane of traffic or parking from the automotive industrial complex? Should be interesting...

Holy Roller said...

It's that time of year for all you SINNERS to start giving money and stuff to Jesus or the church of your choice so you can feel better about being SINNERS. I know and the Lord knows you need to give, so I prey and prey for your money. Amen.
Ps. Would Jesus be seen dead (or resurrected) riding an electric fixie?

Dave said...

Final video reminded me of George Costanza and his quest for immortality via Frogger. In a just world this blog would confer a similar immortality on the Snob, but.. what are ya gonna do?

Not long ago I saw a sign posted where the W&OD trail crosses Park Ave in Vienna. It read: CARS CAN NOT SEE YOU. (Visibility at that point is quite adequate.)

This explains a lot. I always thought that cars were equipped with rudimentary optical sensors and some sort of primitive, unreliable mechanical algorithm that allowed them to avoid hitting people some of the time. Instead they are unable to see humans at all! This means that they are instead piloted by the persons inside the machine, who are quite often asleep, crazy, eating a burrito, texting or engaging in oral sex, hence the occasional mayhem. If it became generally known that cars cannot actually see or make decisions, drivers might be forced to take more responsibility. Ya think?

debris88 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Truth said...

And now I am pleased to present you with my jizz

bad boy of the north said...

whatever.....welcome to december

JB said...

I will admit that, when I'm driving the car that I own (it's an old Civic #blest), there will often be a cyclist, jogger, pedestrian, or even car that I "didn't see" until the last second.

I blame some of this on the increasing thickness of A pillars on modern automobiles (A pillars = supports between windshield and side windows). There are certain 4-way stop and right-on-red situations where my A pillar obscures an entire vehicle. They used to be all steel and about an inch in diameter. Now they have steel and an airbag, are encased in plastic and are about 3 inches in diameter. We can't see anymore, but we are safe if we crash! Progress!

JLRB said...

Another day of biblical-style rain = driving the car I wish I didn't own.

#readyforsnowalready

McFly said...

I would much rather get blown threw a red light than over a speed bump.

Gerald Rhodes said...

What happened to my local pizzeria? Who is out there to protect my right to ride my self powered single speed to the local pizza parlor for a slice and a pepsi? Dark times are these...

JLRB said...

That car video is much less impressive with the sound turned off

Vernal Magina said...

What happened to my local bike blog today? Ain't here yet.

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