Warning: This Post Was Prepared In A Facility That Processes Peanuts

Maybe everyone in the world knew this already, but I was amused to learn in a very roundabout way that Pete Shelley of Buzzcocks fame composed Channel 4's theme music for the Tour de France back in the 1980s:



If you're like "No duh," well excuse me for being born on the wrong side of the Hotlantic Ocean.

Oh, right, the Atlantic Ocean is being rebranded the Hotlantic Ocean in order to put a positive spin on climate change, complete with licensed theme music.  (Did you know that guy from the "Hot Hot Hot" song was in the New York Dolls?  Crazy, right?!?)

("You knew that, now you're just being a wiseass.")

Speaking of climate change, the climate is changing right now in that fall is happening.  There was a time when I used to waste much of the fall sucking at cyclocross, which is a very poor use of time inasmuch as it's like 80% driving, 10% standing around, 9% hosing down your equipment, and 1% actual bicycle riding.  Now that I've come to my senses however, fall is my cue to ride the rugged all-terrain bicycle before winter comes and the trails get snowed under.  (And no, I AM NOT GETTING A GODDAMN FAT BIKE.)  So I strapped on the custom orthotics:

(I go to a high-end Park Avenue sports podiatrist named Dr. Scholl. $1,000 per foot and not covered under insurance but totally worth it.)

And hit the fabled Trails Behind the Mall:

Which is apparently now the "Giant Liv All Mountain Course:"

Indeed, between the fact that I was now on a genuine all mountain course and the flat tire I incurred, I think it's safe to say my ride was totally "epic:"

Some mountain bro is like, "You need tubeless, bro" but the four minutes it took me to fix my annual flat barely makes a dent in all the time I save not futzing with sealant.

("Futzing with sealant" sounds like a euphemism for how Eustace Tilley spends his time.)

In other news, someone Tweeted this story at me:

If you’ve perused our videos of the week article today you will have seen a clip of a chap completing a Rubik’s Cube while riding a Boris Bike through Hyde Park.

The attention he has received on the internet recently has alerted the Royal Parks to the clip and the rider has been reported to the police.

Italian student Simone Santarsiero wore a GoPro to record his footage and then uploaded it to YouTube. He told the Evening Standard: “At first it was quite difficult because I realised I could not cycle without both hands, but then I realised I could do it with one.”

Adding: “People were looking at me strange, I was worried about hitting someone but I did not injure anybody.”

Here's the video, which I hadn't seen:


So what did he even do that's illegal?  I don't even think the NYPD could come up with an excuse for arresting someone for doing this--well, apart from being too smart, which they probably do consider an arrestable offense.

Anyway, Santarsiero is presumably now a fugitive from justice, and the police are checking LARPing gatherings, Dungeons and Dragons meetups, and any other place Rubik's Cube enthusiasts are likely to be found.

Meanwhile, Old Man Rubik has declined to comment:

By the way, that quote's bullshit, because we used to pull those things apart, put them back together in order, and pretend we'd "solved" them all the time.

You could also just peel off the stickers and put them back on again, but that was too obvious.

And on this side of the Hotlantic, a self-described "fat guy" is riding across Canada's unsolved Rubik's Cube:

Eric Hites hit rock bottom earlier this year. At age 40, after having worked as a D.J., roadie, telemarketer, pizza delivery man and bartender, he found himself unemployed, and collection agencies were on his tail. His wife, who had left him in July 2014, was living with another man.

His weight reached 567 pounds. He told himself he had a choice: Rot away in Danville, Ind., where he had been living with his parents, or do something drastic to save his life and marriage. He considered a gastric bypass, but while listening to the Proclaimers’ hit “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles),” he had another idea.

I figured his idea was going to be punching the crap out of somebody, because that's what that song makes most people want to do, but instead he decided to ride across the country:

But maybe he could make it that far on a bicycle. Maybe he could even pedal more than 3,000 miles, from the Atlantic to the Pacific. He could see the country, lose some pounds, get a book deal out of it and show the woman he loved that he could change.

On a $17 Mongoose:

("Only $17?  I'm a bargain at twice the price!")

Sorry, a Mongoose bicycle:

I'm firing the goddamn image department.

Anyway, he seems to be taking his time, and he's not denying himself any indulgences along the way:

Connecticut took them a week and a half. They were impressed by what they saw along the roads in Greenwich. “In regular cities you see bottles of Colt 45 on the side the road,” Ms. Atterbury said. “In Greenwich, it’s like a fancy Champagne bottle. I’m like, what?”

“People say it’s a long vacation,” Mr. Hites said in his Nick Nolte growl. “Well, but I’m getting healthy doing it.”

His wife said they had cut back to four or five cigarettes a day. “The doctor told us: ‘Don’t do both at once. Either lose weight or quit smoking,’ ” she said. “And we were like, ‘Nope, we’re going to do both.’ ”

Mr. Hites confessed to having made a pit stop at a White Castle, where he was surprised to discover ketchup on the double cheeseburger. “White Castles don’t have ketchup on them, ever,” he said.

That's how you do a bike tour in AMERICA baby!!!

This is not to say he isn't prone to introspection or periods of reflection:

“All the people saying, ‘Winter’s coming, you’ll never make it, this is all a scam, you’ve been riding in cars the whole way,’ ” he said. “Seriously? If I was going to cheat, I’d say I did 30 miles, not five miles or 10 miles. I’d already be across the United States, if I was cheating. I’m fat and I’m slow, and that should be proof enough that I’m doing it. And if winter comes, winter comes.”

I'm pretty sure that's a direct quote from "A Game Of Thrones."

This guy needs to hook up with Steve Spell, he might learn a thing or two:


Steve Spell is the this guy of Walmart bikes:

("What gear is that?"--A Fixie Dork)

Lastly, remember the Coronado Bike Lane Freakout?  Well, you'll be pleased to know that Williamsburg now has its own version:

Here's Simon Weiser, co-chair of the Transportation Committee, on the tyranny of bike lanes:

Every avenue cannot have a bike lane. They have to let people live. Bike lanes belong on side streets, not on every single avenue. The city created a mess putting these bike lanes all over. Then they go, "Oh, a biker got killed! A biker got killed!" Sure a biker got killed. Not every single street has to be a bike lane. All these bike lanes doesn't help.

Indeed.  WHY WON'T YOU LET THESE PEOPLE LIVE?  WHY?!?

He was then dragged from the meeting while shouting about how the city was "killing Independent George."