Warning: This post is a visual cacophony that if you look there long enough it will induce a dizzying type of vertigo.

America is the greatest country in the world.

(Made right here in Canada's underpants, presumably by prison labor.)

After Norway, Australia, Switzerland, and the Netherlands of course:

(I'm stunned we beat Canada, clearly we're doping.)

There is, however, one area in which we are the undisputed number one world champions of the world, and that is in the discipline of being spoiled.  We are Earth's obese children, jacked up on corn syrup and throwing a temper tantrum at the mall because the want the new AirFucker® SuperStealth Action Death Drone for Christmas.  Consider the city of Coronado, CA, where residents struck a crucial blow against the 70% (!) of children there who walk or ride bikes to school:



See, the city planned to add twelve (12) more miles of bike lanes, but some local residents made some sound arguments against them:

“You are covering Coronado with paint stripe pollution,” said resident Gerry Lounsbury.

“The graffiti on the streets does not help our property values,” declared Aileen Oya.

The lanes “bring to mind a visual cacophony that if you look there long enough it will induce a dizzying type of vertigo,” said Carolyn Rogerson.

Whoa!  Step aside, Delia Ephron!  Forget "blue pulls focus"--you should have gone with "Citi Bike  is a trip-tastic psychedelic LSD mindfuck that induces a dizzying type of vertigo akin to the after-effects of licking Timothy Leary's scranus."

Though in fairness to Caroyln Rogerson (who really should see a doctor about that vertigo), the bike lanes in Coronado do look like this:

But that's only like half the crazy:

Gerry MacCartee asked if the community couldn't think of a better option than “these black streets with these brilliant white lines everywhere because believe me, it takes away from your home, from your outlook on life.”

WON'T YOU FREE GERRY MacCARTEE FROM HIS WHITE-LINED PRISON!!!

And Darby Monger crafted an analogy to describe the addition of bike lanes to her beloved city.

“It’s very similar to personally taking all three of my daughters to a tattoo parlor and having them completely body tattooed,” she said.

Yes, Darby Monger, you fucking lunatic, it's VERY SIMILAR TO THAT!  And listening to your profound stupidity is VERY SIMILAR to watching a drunken clown shoving a sack full of live kittens up a dairy cow's ass one at a time.

Anyway, obviously the city council laughed all of this off, right?

Nope.

After public comment, the City Council voted to suspend all new proposed bike lanes.

"I still believe in bike lanes, but we as a council have said we’re not going to force them down the throats of people who don’t want them," said Coronado Mayor Casey Tanaka.

Wow.

There's only one thing to say to that, Coronado Mayor Casey Tanaka:

(Out damned spot.)

Anyway, I think Coronado should remove all of its bike infrastructure so we can watch and laugh as their property values plummet.

Incidentally, I was first alerted to the above by Chris from Marin Bikes, who also casually mentioned a new bike they've got called the Pine Mountain 1:

My first thought upon seeing it was, "Yeah, I could ride that," and indeed this fall it looks like I may get a chance to do just that.

Speaking of riding and fall, with the autumnal equinox comes great responsibility: school is in full swing, Halloween costume pre-curation begins, the temperature drops which means you've got to put on pants...  Therefore, by way of dodging them, I scampered up one of my secret backroads this morning in search of some serenity:

I've had the Milwaukee for a little over five months now and I'm sure you'll be pleased to know I continue to love it:

We're about to enter into the very best time of year for riding in these parts and I consider myself fortunate to be equipped with such a capable bicycle-cycling cycle.

Meanwhile, in sporting news, apparently the winner of the elite women's time trial in Richmond, VA caused a big kerfuffle by riding a non-sponsor bike:

Take a close look at the photos from the time trial and you’ll notice something isn’t quite right. She looks fast and aero, of course, but take a closer look at that all-black outfit and all-black bike. That last part is key because her bike shouldn’t have matched her national kit and she should have been riding her blue and white trade team Wilier time trial machine, supplied by the UnitedHealthcare team. The decision by Villumsen to defy team orders and ride a non-sponsored piece of kit almost cost her her job, and behind the stunning ride was an argument between her, her trade team and her national federation.

Oh, relax and leave her alone, nobody cares.

At least she didn't ride an "Eff You See Eye," as forwarded by a reader:

“The idea would be that your smart phone runs the whole bike. Everything from disabling it if you want to lock it up, to being able to program in your ride route, or suggest alternative routes if you’re trying to get to a specific place. It knows when it gets dark and turns the lights on, lets you know when tire pressure is low, or senses a car getting too close to you and warns you. It’s infinite how many things digitally and electronically we could do with a bike like this. It’s like, you could program this bike and say, ‘I wanna burn this many calories’ or ‘I wanna produce this many watts.’ Well, that could tell the motor only to work so hard, so that you’re producing on average 200 watts for the whole ride.”

Sounds awful.

But look, it has a door with a magnet:

I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for the UCI.