"Shoal me, shoal me, shoal me..."

Further to yesterday's post, an astute commenter pointed out that the inventor of the revolving bar end appears to be the very same person who invented that fixie periscope:

Which is very possibly one of the dumbest cycling accessories ever conceived:

So at this point, he's invented a posture girdle, a bike periscope, and a pair of rotating bar ends, all of which suggests to me that he should forget trying to invent stuff and just do a Kickstarter to raise money for the back surgery he so obviously needs.

Also, it's worth noting that he invented the bike periscope in Brooklyn, and he invented the bar ends in Portland.  This confused me, but according to his bio he lives in both places:

I am an avid bike rider with a penchant for Burger King. I graduated with a business degree from Texas A&M university so that also makes me a bit of a redneck. I am fortunate enough to split my time between Portland, Oregon and NYC.

Self-conscious appreciation for fast food aside, I believe they call this being "bi-artisanal."

Anyway, Brooklyn's insufferable enough, so I think if I had to go back and forth between there and Portland I'd lose my fucking mind.

A reality that consists of toggling between two of the most affected places in the United States sounds like some nightmarish hybrid of "Twelve Monkeys" and a Wes Anderson film.

Speaking of cities and superlatives, apparently London is the most Strava-addled city on the planet:

The world's number one activity tracker has crowned London as the most active city on its network (perhaps unsurprising given its nearly nine million citizens), with more than seven million rides logged over the 12-month data capture. The average distance undertaken by Strava-savvy London riders was 25.9km (16.1 miles) with an average speed of 22.5km/h (13.98mph) and the average elevation change coming in at 644ft (196.3m). The data also showed that 8,639 London cycling commutes are logged on Strava every single day and that Tuesday is the most popular day to take to the saddle.

Translation: your ass is gonna get Cat 6-ed in London on a Tuesday.

In second place was Amsterdam with 2,760,418 cycle activities logged over the last 12 months and San Francisco third with 2,380,633 activities. Given that each of these cities is only around a tenth the size of London, cyclists who live there probably have cause to argue that they are, in fact, rather more active than those in the UK capital.

Oh snap!

Well, this may be true, but I will say that London is probably the Cat 6-iest city I've ever visited:

(♩♫♪ "And if a double-decker bus..."♩♫♩)

Pancake-flat Amsterdam clocked the fastest average speed per ride with 25.6km/h (15.9mph) while Milan cyclists ride the longest, with an average ride length of 54.2km (33.67 miles). Barcelona has the hilliest terrain, with cyclists climbing a leg burning average of 2,531ft (771.5m) per ride.

Note how the spiteful article qualifies Amsterdam's obvious Strava superiority by mentioning that the city is flat, yet it totally fails to mention that they're also riding 70 lb bakfietsen into 20 mph headwinds while Londoners ride expensive Fred chariots and sprightly Bromptons.

Then again, in London's defense, their pollution masks are probably slowing them down:

(Via the Tweeter)

Is a mask as good a safety precaution as a helmet?

Sure, inasmuch as they're both pretty much useless when you get run over.

Maybe Volkswagen should buy one of these for everybody on the planet.

Meanwhile, here's how my hometown stacked up in the Strava genital-measuring contest:

NYC average speed: 21.7km/h  

NYC average distance: 28km

NYC average elevation: 208.8m

Though I expect those numbers to go up now that Ben Serotta is designing our Citi Bikes.

Speaking of cycling in New York City, a heated discussion took place yesterday in the local media on the subject of shoaling:

Though as the inventor of the term I suggest we all withhold our opinions until Donald Trump weighs in.

The guy knows a lot about bikes.

I'd also be interested to hear what Trump has to say about the new SuperX, which sounds like the name of an important figure from the Black Power movement but is really just a cyclocross bike from Cannondale--so basically the total opposite:

A friend of mine alerted me to this and I'm amazed at how positively wank-tastic and weenie-riffic a sport that basically involves riding around on grass for no more than an hour at a time has become in the space of just a few years.  First of all, despite being over $5,000, the reviewer calls it a "decent bargain."  Then he takes it to task for having a short-cage derailleur (it's a racing bike, for Trump's sake) and for not having thru-axles:

According to Cannondale’s representatives, the company uses the quick-release system because it combines light weight, simplicity of use, and solid performance, though future inclusion of thru-axles wasn’t ruled out. 

Wait, they specced the bike with something that's light, simple, works really well, and is damn near universal?

What morons!

And I'm not sure why it even needs thru-axles, since it seems to do just fine without them:

Dive hard into a corner, launch out of it, and the SuperX is right there with you. That sort of confident handling means the frame combines the right amount of flex for compliance and stiffness for power transfer.

[Pssst: don't tell anybody, but every bike is "right there with you" when you come out of a corner, unless you fall off of it.]

Even the reviewer admits the thru-axles don't make a difference--though apparently you need them anyway because "Boost 148:"

But there is one solid reason to switch to thru-axles even if the axles themselves don’t do much to improve performance: Boost 148 only comes in a thru-axle option, and in our experience, Boost works.

It's true, you gotta have the Boost 148.

What, you don't have Boost 148?

Come on, you need the Boost 148.

Just one thing:

What the hell is Boost 148?!?

At first I thought it was a movie, like Turk 182:

Fun Fact: "Turk 182" was written by inveterate bike-hater and complete dolt, Pete Hamill's Brother, who you may remember as the bonehead who hates those damn bike lanes, and who wrote this screed excoriating the new 25mph speed limit:

“I’m gonna be late,” my son said.

“This clown is slower than a glacier,” I screamed.

I honked. The guy didn’t accelerate. “He has two speeds,” I shouted. “Drop dead and rigor mortis.”

My speedometer read: 25 mph.

And I suddenly realized that come Nov. 7, this was going to be the speed limit in New York City. Bloomberg banned smoking and trans fats and de Blasio was gonna make us the City That Never Speeds.

Turning right onto three-lane Horace Harding Expressway, I passed the slowpoke, shot him a dirty look, and raced my kid to school just before the morning bell.

It's strange he's so averse to road safety considering people in his life keep getting mowed down left and right:

I have a teenage son who will be taking driver’s ed this year. I remind my kid daily about his Aunt Donna and his two cousins who no longer have a mother.

In the past couple of years, several fellow students at his high school were killed speeding or drag racing. I will discuss with him those four young women whose families will be burying them before they lived the best years of their lives because of a treacherous cocktail of gasoline and alcohol.

Then again, I suppose it's not so strange, given that he's a fucking idiot.

But yeah, Boost 148 isn't a movie, it's the new mountain bike standard, which you now need on a cyclocross bike for some reason:

I can't believe I'm still riding around on mountain bikes with 135mm spacing.

I'd better upgrade immediately.