Thursday, October 8, 2015

Warning: This Post Was Prepared In A Facility That Processes Peanuts

Maybe everyone in the world knew this already, but I was amused to learn in a very roundabout way that Pete Shelley of Buzzcocks fame composed Channel 4's theme music for the Tour de France back in the 1980s:



If you're like "No duh," well excuse me for being born on the wrong side of the Hotlantic Ocean.

Oh, right, the Atlantic Ocean is being rebranded the Hotlantic Ocean in order to put a positive spin on climate change, complete with licensed theme music.  (Did you know that guy from the "Hot Hot Hot" song was in the New York Dolls?  Crazy, right?!?)


("You knew that, now you're just being a wiseass.")

Speaking of climate change, the climate is changing right now in that fall is happening.  There was a time when I used to waste much of the fall sucking at cyclocross, which is a very poor use of time inasmuch as it's like 80% driving, 10% standing around, 9% hosing down your equipment, and 1% actual bicycle riding.  Now that I've come to my senses however, fall is my cue to ride the rugged all-terrain bicycle before winter comes and the trails get snowed under.  (And no, I AM NOT GETTING A GODDAMN FAT BIKE.)  So I strapped on the custom orthotics:


(I go to a high-end Park Avenue sports podiatrist named Dr. Scholl. $1,000 per foot and not covered under insurance but totally worth it.)

And hit the fabled Trails Behind the Mall:


Which is apparently now the "Giant Liv All Mountain Course:"


Indeed, between the fact that I was now on a genuine all mountain course and the flat tire I incurred, I think it's safe to say my ride was totally "epic:"


Some mountain bro is like, "You need tubeless, bro" but the four minutes it took me to fix my annual flat barely makes a dent in all the time I save not futzing with sealant.

("Futzing with sealant" sounds like a euphemism for how Eustace Tilley spends his time.)

In other news, someone Tweeted this story at me:
If you’ve perused our videos of the week article today you will have seen a clip of a chap completing a Rubik’s Cube while riding a Boris Bike through Hyde Park.

The attention he has received on the internet recently has alerted the Royal Parks to the clip and the rider has been reported to the police.

Italian student Simone Santarsiero wore a GoPro to record his footage and then uploaded it to YouTube. He told the Evening Standard: “At first it was quite difficult because I realised I could not cycle without both hands, but then I realised I could do it with one.”

Adding: “People were looking at me strange, I was worried about hitting someone but I did not injure anybody.”

Here's the video, which I hadn't seen:


So what did he even do that's illegal?  I don't even think the NYPD could come up with an excuse for arresting someone for doing this--well, apart from being too smart, which they probably do consider an arrestable offense.

Anyway, Santarsiero is presumably now a fugitive from justice, and the police are checking LARPing gatherings, Dungeons and Dragons meetups, and any other place Rubik's Cube enthusiasts are likely to be found.

Meanwhile, Old Man Rubik has declined to comment:


By the way, that quote's bullshit, because we used to pull those things apart, put them back together in order, and pretend we'd "solved" them all the time.

You could also just peel off the stickers and put them back on again, but that was too obvious.

And on this side of the Hotlantic, a self-described "fat guy" is riding across Canada's unsolved Rubik's Cube:


Eric Hites hit rock bottom earlier this year. At age 40, after having worked as a D.J., roadie, telemarketer, pizza delivery man and bartender, he found himself unemployed, and collection agencies were on his tail. His wife, who had left him in July 2014, was living with another man.

His weight reached 567 pounds. He told himself he had a choice: Rot away in Danville, Ind., where he had been living with his parents, or do something drastic to save his life and marriage. He considered a gastric bypass, but while listening to the Proclaimers’ hit “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles),” he had another idea.

I figured his idea was going to be punching the crap out of somebody, because that's what that song makes most people want to do, but instead he decided to ride across the country:

But maybe he could make it that far on a bicycle. Maybe he could even pedal more than 3,000 miles, from the Atlantic to the Pacific. He could see the country, lose some pounds, get a book deal out of it and show the woman he loved that he could change.

On a $17 Mongoose:


("Only $17?  I'm a bargain at twice the price!")

Sorry, a Mongoose bicycle:



I'm firing the goddamn image department.

Anyway, he seems to be taking his time, and he's not denying himself any indulgences along the way:

Connecticut took them a week and a half. They were impressed by what they saw along the roads in Greenwich. “In regular cities you see bottles of Colt 45 on the side the road,” Ms. Atterbury said. “In Greenwich, it’s like a fancy Champagne bottle. I’m like, what?”

“People say it’s a long vacation,” Mr. Hites said in his Nick Nolte growl. “Well, but I’m getting healthy doing it.”

His wife said they had cut back to four or five cigarettes a day. “The doctor told us: ‘Don’t do both at once. Either lose weight or quit smoking,’ ” she said. “And we were like, ‘Nope, we’re going to do both.’ ”

Mr. Hites confessed to having made a pit stop at a White Castle, where he was surprised to discover ketchup on the double cheeseburger. “White Castles don’t have ketchup on them, ever,” he said.

That's how you do a bike tour in AMERICA baby!!!

This is not to say he isn't prone to introspection or periods of reflection:

“All the people saying, ‘Winter’s coming, you’ll never make it, this is all a scam, you’ve been riding in cars the whole way,’ ” he said. “Seriously? If I was going to cheat, I’d say I did 30 miles, not five miles or 10 miles. I’d already be across the United States, if I was cheating. I’m fat and I’m slow, and that should be proof enough that I’m doing it. And if winter comes, winter comes.”

I'm pretty sure that's a direct quote from "A Game Of Thrones."

This guy needs to hook up with Steve Spell, he might learn a thing or two:


Steve Spell is the this guy of Walmart bikes:


("What gear is that?"--A Fixie Dork)

Lastly, remember the Coronado Bike Lane Freakout?  Well, you'll be pleased to know that Williamsburg now has its own version:


Here's Simon Weiser, co-chair of the Transportation Committee, on the tyranny of bike lanes:

Every avenue cannot have a bike lane. They have to let people live. Bike lanes belong on side streets, not on every single avenue. The city created a mess putting these bike lanes all over. Then they go, "Oh, a biker got killed! A biker got killed!" Sure a biker got killed. Not every single street has to be a bike lane. All these bike lanes doesn't help.

Indeed.  WHY WON'T YOU LET THESE PEOPLE LIVE?  WHY?!?

He was then dragged from the meeting while shouting about how the city was "killing Independent George."

95 comments:

P. Bateman said...

dong

Ted K. said...

65. Moreover, where goals are pursued through earning money, climbing the status ladder or functioning as part of the system in some other way, most people are not in a position to pursue their goals AUTONOMOUSLY. Most workers are someone else’s employee and, as we pointed out in paragraph 61, must spend their days doing what they are told to do in the way they are told to do it. Even people who are in business for themselves have only limited autonomy. It is a chronic complaint of small-business persons and entrepreneurs that their hands are tied by excessive government regulation. Some of these regulations are doubtless unnecessary, but for the most part government regulations are essential and inevitable parts of our extremely complex society. A large portion of small business today operates on the franchise system. It was reported in the Wall Street Journal a few years ago that many of the franchise-granting companies require applicants for franchises to take a personality test that is designed to EXCLUDE those who have creativity and initiative, because such persons are not sufficiently docile to go along obediently with the franchise system. This excludes from small business many of the people who most need autonomy.

Synonymous said...

Number 3?

JB said...

#3, TK doesn't count: doper.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

topus tenus

Anonymous said...

Toptoberfest

Anonymous said...

Toppus X (accidentally read it first)

Anonymous said...

PANT YABS

JLRB said...

Ted is back - and here I was commentating in yesterday when today happended - a time machine trick for sure.

Fat Guy Across America said...

Jesus and Tequila

JLRB said...

Ted has a point about Auto No, but not sure about the Mously.

Anonymous said...

dammit

JB said...

I read your "yesterday" comment, JLRB, before commenting above.

David Byrnes Hyundai said...

Used to go tubeless then had to put a tube in cause of a flat. Tube became glued to the tire. ow I just use tubes and skip the slime snot ball tire burping thing.

BamaPhred said...

Interesting title. I work for peanuts

Anonymous said...

in all the time I've been reading, I think that's the first Seinfeld reference.

Anonymous said...

For a few reasons, I will never go tubeless. I'm guess I'm not that hardcore.

crosspalms said...

Wow, that Simon Weiser guy is a piece of work.

Dave said...

Go, Eric, go! Don't stop, keep pushing, because I and I hope most of the cynical bastards that comment here are right behind you, rooting. After all, if you stick with it and turn your life around, we'll have no excuse for the chronic complaining we love so much.

Vernal Magina said...

" ... I don't even think the NYPD could come up with an excuse for arresting someone for doing this."

Oh man, that just had me lolling. Too funny

grog said...

(And no, I AM NOT GETTING A GODDAMN FAT BIKE.)
Me neither.

N/A said...

Simon Weiser is just trying to avoid a visual cacaphony of whatever. What's wrong with that? He's attended Darby Monger's educational seminars.

babble on said...

Heh... I think I might have seen that podiatrist of yours at my local supermarket earlier this week. He sure gets around, that guy.

mikeweb said...

Gert Jan Theunisse!!

Freddy Murcks said...

Pete Shelly you say? That sounds a lot more like Kraftwerk than it does the Buzzcocks.

Anonymous said...

"I AM NOT GETTING A GODDAMN FAT BIKE."

Snob, you are going to get a fat bike.

Bryan said...

Congrats on your epic. It has to feel good knowing you officially had an epic ride.
That guy riding across America has a blog somewhere. He is off his Mongoose and on a GT it seems. A popular search engine and query Fat Guy Across America will bring it up.
Are you still a Bromponite? Haven't heard much about the foldy lately.

P. Bateman said...

man, that video is such a tease with potential Raleigh porn.

hate to use the misery of others to cheer myself up (like watching COPS), but i guess losing my gal recently isn't so bad compared to being a 567 pound me losing a gal and having to ride across america. much easier to just jump on tinder and find some trashy replacement.

on a positive note my blue suede off-roadish giro shoes should finally show up today. so i got that going for me. pretty sure chicks will be digging those.

The Other Man said...

Take your time Eric. I'll keep tending to your wife.

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob - Have you seen Lennard Zinn's TWO KEY CYCLOCROSS ACCESSORIES? In a development that surprises precisely nobody, one of his key accessories is a $160 tire pressure gauge, because nothing is worse than having the wrong tire pressure when you are riding laps around a suburban office park.

For my money, I would say that the best CX "accessory" is a mountain bike and not racing cyclocross.

Winky said...

If tubeless was here first, and some bro came up with the idea of a tube, we'd all be like:

"Dude, get some tubes, it saves, like, tonnes of time futzing with that messy, toxic, plant killing sealant, your tyres don't, like, burp flat, you can actually re-inflate them with a little, like, pump (no compressor needed, bro) and like when was the last time, now that we're all riding really, really big tyres on, like, full sussers, did you actually get a pinch flat? It's like lighter, too bro, as the tyres don't, like, need industrial beads and sidewalls. Tubeless is so 2015, bro.

Mr Plow said...

Simon weiser is hilarious. And by hilarious I mean incredibly stupid.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Freddy Murcks,

That is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. Absolutely amazing. You don't even really need a gauge. That's why there's this thing called "pre-riding the course."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

samh said...

That's awesome you're thinking about getting a fatbike!

Anonymous said...

Simon Weiser. I think I went to school with his brother, "Bud".

Anonymous said...

This is what happens when you use a cheap gauge and your air pressure is off by 0.1 psi.

N/A said...

I, for one, am super-excited to see WCRM's new fatbike! I wonder if he'll put a Brooks Flyer on it, or go Cambium?

Spokey said...

and who the fuck-o is Pete Shelley of Buzzcocks

If you're like "No duh," well excuse me for being born on the wrong side of the Hotlantic Ocean

i guess i musta been born on the wrong side of the solar system

Freddy Murcks said...

I should note that I feel no ill will towards Lennard Zinn. He is by all accounts a really nice guy and he is knowledgeable. I have even thrown a few bike tech questions his way over the years and he has always responded helpfully. I am just amazed at what an unabashed tech nerd he is. I guess it is kind of the VeloSnooze to have given Lennard a place to fly his freak flag all these years - and for pay, no less.

MASS HOLE said...

It's BROMPTONEER, Bryan.

Sheesh.

And yeah, Wildcat Rockmanstein, what gives?
Not feeling the folding love?

Comment deleted said...

Nuh, Spokey, you were just born too many trips around the sun ago.

Me, too.

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spencer said...

How does the fat guy across America, fund the ride across Amarica? That's what I want to know.
Anyway, I wish him luck.
I knocked my company cell phone into the pool this summer....sent it back to IT with a picture of George in the towel...."I was in the pool!"
They didn't think it was funny for some reason.

P. Bateman said...

not sure if i approve of this bait bike video. i mean, always enjoy seeing guy fall and go boom, but this seems a little...just like a bunch of assholes. seems to be making the rounds of the facing book.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tufnWwV2J5I

Stump said...

fuck tubeless!!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Spencer,

Humorless nerds! That's why I fired my IT department.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

wow that bait bike video is so wrong on so many levels. The only good thing about it is that those idiots actually lose the bike in the end. why not do the old $20 bill on a string routine. Fucking morons.

Anonymous said...

P. Bateman meet Babble, Babble Bateman....has a nice ring to it. Sorry, I'm a romantic at heart.

BamaPhred said...

Me too Spokey. What's worse, I don't know who the Buzzcocks are or, I don't care?

Just kidding of course. I will probably check them out.

But after scanning the commentariate, I'm in with the whatkindafatbikeyougettingSnob crowd. I can't believe Surly isn't sending him one just because.

P. Bateman said...

i applaud Snob for rejecting fat bikes. the name alone is derogatory and insensitive. its just like tattooing rebel flags all over your daughters. disgraceful.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hell yeah your new fatbike will roll much smoother this winter over that one bike trail you ride that gets all cratered up with pedestrian prints.

Never did do the goo in the tires thing. Never will either.

hi_dee_ho said...

Wait a second...

Duder had no life strategy, wife leaves, still no strategy, I know, lets ride across 'mericuh!!

Dude, get a job, get a plan, work the plan. When it don't work, modify the plan. Just like the rest of us. No ride across 'mericuh necessary.

mikeweb said...

I lost my job and I'm not riding across 'Murica. I'm not fat either.

Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

N/A said...

The Naked Cowboy was riding a fatbike.

N/A said...

Simon Weiser likes his bike tires like his ladies: fat and filled with slime!

McFly said...

I did the Stan's. Only reason is cuz I was rubbing DH tubes due to our prickly trails and they made the bike feel like crapola. I am currently building up a 29ering Kona Hei Hei and am going with tubes initially because I cannot fathom mounting up 2 brand new folding tires with a tubeless set up.

ps. I have not had a flat with the Stan's.

N/A said...

Ah, yes, rubbing the ol' DH tubes. I understand. It's like scuffing your Brooks, but a little more hardcore.

A White Castle Customer said...

"I don't often ride a Fat Bike, but when I get up to 567 pounds, I do" Stay hungry my friends.

Anonymous said...

The big dude riding across the United States of Guns, when he reaches the West Coast he should come back through Canada.
I presume he has a blog, epic adventures always do.

Delia Ephron said...

Bama and Spokey - The Buzzcocks are pretty great. 80s British punk rock. Their Song "Fast Cars" is a classic, and they have a song about masturbation called "Orgasm Addict" that is likely to go over well with the BikeSlob NYC commentariat. They played NYC quite a bit back when my sister and I were queens of this town. Thankfully they have never praised the color blue, because then I would have to hate them.

Spokey said...


got it.

i can ask my daughter princess about them then. she was also one of those goth types if that matches.

BamaPhred said...

Now I remember, THOSE Buzzcocks. Words I thought I would never say, Thanks Delia. There were a lot of punk bands, I have forgotten most.

P. Bateman said...

gave these new blue suede bikin' shoes a quick ride. they look pretty good, a bit euro, but i guess i am riding a bike.


a bit of adjustment getting used to spd again coming from that other style, but at least i can now walk into a store to grab a snack or drink without walking like i have some severe disability. so the recessed thing is a plus.

wonder if i need to adjust my psi to account for the added grams....i'll go ask Zinn

Dooth said...

Solving Rubik's cube whilst cycling? Pfft...try the New York Times crossword on a track bike.

Spokey said...


bama

princess never heard of him/them either. i could try the grandkids but i'm sure i'd just get the typical weird look (i.e. get away from us you senile old fool)


PB

i've never tried any other type but then never saw any reason to. when i was gainfully employed (as opposed to my current sucking off the entitlement state), sometimes i'd wear spd to work and not even bother changing my shoes. i walk in to stores all the time. driving is possible but not a good idea. i think that is more the stiff sole though.

Freddy Murcks said...

Thankfully there is this thing called YouTube. The Buzzcocks are great and their drummer is borderline brilliant.

Buzzcocks - Fast Cars

Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict

Buzzcocks - What Do I Get

Buster Poindexter said...

I have an identity crisis.

David Johansen said...

me too.

Spokey said...


All these bike lanes doesn't help.

i think i agree. let's get rid of all bike lanes. let's replace them with car lanes. and separate the car lanes with barriers so when some fuck-o parks the cars can't go without leaving the lane and getting a ticket. how 'bout towing the UPS et. al. who double/triple/quadruple park. or wheel boot the trucks.

the Jimboner said...

ROCK MACHINE makes a fat bike, the choice is obvious.

DB said...

Dooth:
Totally agree.
Today was a pretty easy puzzle.

DB said...

Mikeweb:
If you want to move to the Midwest, I can get you a job as a Federal Prison Guard.
Think about it.

babble on said...

Woooot! Good God I love that Lynskey. At stooopid o'clock this morning I set out on what turned into a 128 km long epic ride of my own. What would compel a girl (trashy or otherwise) to ride so many miles all on her own in the middle of the week? A) I can. And 2) It turns out It's Cumming!! the BC Coast is in for a real pounding as the carcass of hurricaine Oho makes landfall, and I am not interested in surfing the streets when it does. Nope. I am going to hunker down with a few of my favourite peeps in two separate Thanksgiving celebrations. Mmmmmm Thanksgiving. :)

Fingers crossed there's a sucker hole or two over the next few days...

Anonymous said...

For around $5000.00 you can have a Ritte frame named the Snob. It's a beauty.

Krys Hines said...

But do you remember in interviews he always said his name like "HelloIamGertJanTheunisse!!!"?

Krys Hines said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Another perfectly good post begrimed by a Seinfeld reference. You were doing fine without it.

Tubeless in Seattle said...

How many patches on a tube before you throw it away? What is the accepted standard?

P. Bateman said...

that one guy rides a bike, completes a rubixung cube.

snob rides a bike and gets a flat.

thankfully this is a judgement free zone.

larrythebiker said...

I hope you are just priming us for more tomorrow on Eric Hites. He embodies pretty much everything you write this blog about. He is completely ignorant of the activity or bicycling. It seems like he is pretending to be a bicyclist in a worse way than the average Sunday afternoon Central Park Fred. It feels like he is asking people to pay him thousands of dollars so he can claim to be a cyclist. Fred's are usually the other way around and pay thousands of dollars to claim to be a cyclist. He pulled his snake oil wagon into your town and now it's time to ridicule him out of town.

David Pearce said...

I understand why "Fat Guy" is taking his time across America:

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi said it correctly: "A full Mongoose is not a fast Mongoose.

So there you go. That must be the answer.

Entegee,

Teegy

David Pearce said...

Oh, Fuck!,

It should be

Engetee,

Geety

Spokey said...

so who the fuck-o is this Seinfeld?

oh and a good lantern rouge to you all

and here's wishing babs, commie and any other of the northern fuck-o(e)s a very Happy Thanksgiving come monday. may you all stuff yerselfs with copious amount of tofu turkey. or is it tofurkey. whatever those turtle island folks make.

Fat Guy's Wife said...

Don't hate me. I believe a weekly quality BJ is the cornerstone of a good marriage. I had resorted to wearing a helmet to protect my skull and quite frankly that seemed a little ridiculous. My new beau is a hipster and his jeans are extremely tight and hard to remove but it's a small trade off.

Anonymous said...

"He is completely ignorant of the activity or bicycling. It seems like he is pretending to be a bicyclist in a worse way than the average Sunday afternoon Central Park Fred."

He is riding a bicycle. He is not pretending to be anything.

SJ said...

There is no way that David's hood is big enough to fit his head in. It's about as much use as a helmet. Gah! It's all stopped making sense.

charisa dewatari said...

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Sushil Das said...

PrimeFaces vs RichFaces vs IceFaces in JSF

Multiple File Upload Using Struts 2

Best 20 Features of Andriod Marshmallow

Common 10 Mistakes by Android Developer

Amazon Appstore Features for Android Developers

Android Paypal Gateway Example

Zohra Batool said...

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.jizox.hill.climbing.bus.drive

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Obat Kutil Kelamin Pada Pria Dan Wanita

Anonymous said...

Görmeyeli nasılsınız dostlar, geldi çılgın Escortcunuz Emre KANDE. Bana sorulan binlerce mesaj içerisindeki escort istanbul sorulardan Taksim Escort . Üsküdar-Beşiktaş arası çalışıyor, Kadıköy-Beşiktaş arası çalışmıyor seferler iptal. Metrobüsle Mecidiyeköye geçtim ordan indim barbaros bulvarına, çok yoruldum yinede Avrupa Yakası Escort escort istanbul bayanları araştırıp görüşme sağlıyormuş o zaman bizde abimize yardımcı olalım dedim. Gelelim abimizin sorusuna, Birleşme sırasında alınan zevki artırmak için çiftlerin yapabilecekleri başka şey varmıdır ? Güzel istanbul escort bir konudan bahsetmiş, zevk oranını daha çok artırabilmek Kartal Escort için acaba ne yapmalı. Az bi dk beynimi kendine getireyim, şuan ahmet kaya'dan diyarbakırlıymış adı bahtiyar dinliyorum bağladık psikopata. Tamamdır şimdi geldim. Daha fazla zevk için hmm düşünüyorum o zaman varım. Evet, eşler Beşiktaş Escort cinsel kaslarını denetleyebilirler. Pratik ve eğitim sonucu bu kaslar bilinçli bir tarzda denetlenebilir, böylece kadın, vajinası Bostancı Escort içindeki penisi sıkabilir ve tazyik altında tutabilir. Bu Mecidiyeköy Escort kaslar kasılınca vajinanın ağzı hemen hemen tamamiyle kapanır. Kaslar gevşeyince vajinanın ağzı tekrar açılır. Vajinanın dış kısmını kontrol eden bir başka kas Anadolu Yakası Escort daha vardır ki bu organın asıl fonksiyonu işemenin bittiği an idrar akışını durdurmaktır. Ama buda bir istanbul escort önceki kas gibi vajina ağzı üzerinde bir tazyik icra eder. Basit bir Beylikdüzü Escort idman sonucu her kadın bu kasların denetimini Şişli Escort elde edebilir. Bunun için idrararını tutmaya çalışıyor gibi yapmak gerekir. Günde en az yirmi kere... Böylece idrar yolu kasları üzerinde bir denetim imkanı kazanılmış olur. Cinsel zevkin artması için yararlı olabilecek Kadıköy Escort ikinci grup kaslevator kaslardır. Bu grupta üç çeşit kas vardır. Bunlar biraz yabancı gelebilir sizlere ben yinede yazayım, pubococcygeus, iliococygeus ve puborectalis. Bunlar anüsten ön kısma doğru birine sıkı bir şekilde yaklaşır ve bütün vajina boyunca penisi sıkar. Bu kaslar çok güçlüdür escort istanbul ve doğru kullanıldıkları takdirde cinsel zevkin artmasında büyük rol oynar. Levator grubu kasları geliştirmek için en iyi idman barsakları sıkmak şeklinde

Macros Satu said...

Assalamualaikum ... Hallo gan, salam kenal ! Ane dari De Nature Indonesia minta izin buat promo sekalian titip link ya gan, Mohon komentar ane jangan dihapus ... :)

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Mas Andi said...

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