Monday, October 26, 2015

For The "Artisanal" Version Of Today's Post, Simply Print Out On High-Quality Paper

So here's a fun one for a Monday morning.

Some guy ran over his wife while backing out of his own driveway--you know, like you do:



"Accident?"

Check.

No charges?

Check:

The Post adds that the husband allegedly lost control of the vehicle accidentally. Cops say no charges have been filed, and the investigation is ongoing.

But then check this comment out:



Victim's Cousin
I'm her relative and I will be attending her funeral today. The article doesn't state some things like that the couple had a big fight before the accident. She didn't eat food for 3 days due to the fight.Only water. The day before the accident she was trying to apologize to the husband about the dispute but the husband continued the fight even more. In the day of the accident Nupur didn't talk to her husband.The husband said I'm going out. The husband was new to driving so needed help. Nupur lived in the first floor of the building. On the second floor her uncle and aunt and cousins lived there. Nupur assisted his husband out of the driveway. She told him to go in reverse and instead he went in Accelerate. Thus crashing with Nupur. The relatives who lived on the second floor heard the crash. The uncle rushed down, and he saw Nupur.She was covered in blood. Her rib cage was broken. And her bones were visible.Now keep in mind Nupur's husband was a doctor. The uncle jumped into the driveway but it was too late. Nupur's last words were "Uncle save me". In my opinion the husband planned this on purpose, he never cared for his children and always abused Nupur. Nupur's husband probably planned this out in an attempt to get revenge. I am Nupur's cousin. The husband and his family despised Nupur. Nupur's husband has no other place to go so he cries so we won't kick him out of our house.What really bothers me is what's going to happen to the children because the husband never cared for them neither did his family. In fact the whole reason they were fighting was because the husband and his family abused the children when Nupur was away. A 5 year old and a 5 month old abused by them.In my opinion the husband and his family should be put to jail.

Someone fucking around on the Internet?  Possibly?  The truth?  Just as possibly.  I wonder if the police will simply dismiss it as the former.  Sure, it's just a blog comment, but if "Victim's Cousin" were accusing the driver of being a terrorist instead of just a run-of-the-mill car murderer then you can bet Bratton himself would land a helicopter on the roof of that house faster than you can say "ISIS splines suck."

Meanwhile, here's an invention on the cutting edge of dumb--not to mention your fingers:



I think we all know what to expect from a fixed-gear braking system invented by Milanese architects, because the following equation is always true:

Architects  + Fixed Gear = Total Wankery

And when those Architects are Italian the whole thing is squared.

Nevertheless, I caught myself feeling hopeful in the beginning of the video when I saw this scene in which they walk into a warehouse:


"Maybe they're putting themselves and their incredibly dated bicycles into deep storage," I mused, but sadly this was not the case.

My next thought was: "Aren't these guys a little old to be playing with fixies?"


But then I realized that way back when fixies were cool these guys were probably still in their 20s, and evidently nobody notified them that we're all shifting and coasting now.

Anyway, what they've gone ahead and done is invent a "Novelty braking system."  Yes, "Novelty" and "braking" are two concepts that go great together.  You know, just like "recreational" and "firefighter," or "absentee" and "parent."  And this particular "novelty braking system" is called "Wire Brake:"


As you can see, it's about as ergonomic as strangling someone with piano wire:


And the main advantage they tout is that you can stop the bike no matter where your hands are on the bars, which means you can even use the distressingly Hitchcockian "crushing the windpipe" technique:


It also facilitates smartphone use, so when "Alberto" calls and asks "Is she dead?" then you can easily take the call and answer in the affirmative:


Also, let's not forget that, mechanically speaking, Wire Brake is clearly "the easier:"


Putting aside of course the fact that once your brake lever is mounted to your bars you will never, ever have to think about it or its inner workings ever again.

It's even lighter, which who gives a shit:


Not to mention "unbreakeble:"


Which is important because a brake lever has never broken like that in the entire history of human cycling.

And yes, it works on all different kinds of bars:


Though what happens if you're palping the flat bars like so many fixie riders did in days of yore?


As stupid as bikes were back then, at least the riders had some ingenuity when it came to maintaining their minimalist cockpits.  They didn't sit around contributing to dumb Kickstarters.  Instead they rigged contraptions like this:


"It was the golden age of idiotic braking," he sighed wistfully.

Indeed, it was so golden this has already been done:


It's like when you look at those Leonardo Da Vinci drawings and realize he had already invented the helicopter, the elevator, and the vacuum cleaner.

Nevertheless, the design phase was clearly laborious, though the hardest part was probably figuring out how to spell "brake:"


And the upshot of all of this is that they want $20K for a v-brake noodle:


Good luck with that, especially since you just showed us all how to make it ourselves.

I'm sure it works great, since everybody knows the last thing you want from a brake lever is rigidity.

Speaking of old stuff being new again, Uber has resurrected the old Urban Fetch/Kosmo.com business model:


And not everybody's buying into the notion that the "sharing economy" is the future of American prosperity:

Just as cabbies weren’t pleased to have Uber’s drivers cutting in on their taxiing turf, longtime bike messengers aren’t impressed with what Uber Rush will mean for their business. Joseph Buchanan (lovingly known as “Nerf”) has been a bike messenger in Portland and San Francisco for 10 years now and works for a legal company that provides him with benefits. Although Uber Rush’s site says it's looking for experienced bike messengers, Nerf says he doesn’t think any of San Francisco’s messengers will apply to join Uber Rush’s team.

“We've all been talking about how little the pay seems and how no one wants to be ‘independent contractor’ status,” Nerf says of working for Uber Rush. “For companies like Uber Rush and Postmates, it's a lot of kids that haven't been trained by any experienced messengers and don't realize they're not getting a living wage or tax problems they might have down the line. There's also the fact that Uber Rush doesn't provide worker’s comp, which is extremely important, especially to rookies. Then when you get to how little they're charging, it hurts the industry and sets us back. We can't compete.”

Okay, these are legitimate concerns, but have they watched Uber's slickly-produced propaganda video?



Holy shit, Lou Reed is alive and hawking burritos!


Come on, who you gonna believe?  A longtime bike messenger, or Undead Lou Reed?

"New York has always been known as a delivery town.  You wanna be able to say to your customer, 'Yeah, we'll bring it to you if you can't come in.'"

Wait a minute.  You mean I can have food delivered directly to me at my home or office?  Without actually going to the restaurant?  THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!!

Unfortunately, delivering every single thing means that Uber's bicycle delivery people will have to walk most of the time since Uber's delivery trucks will constantly be in the bike lane:


And I can't wait to live in a dystopian future when I can't ride for more than three feet without getting cut off by a Prius driver handing someone a black bag full of artisanal lunch:


Lastly, please spare a moment for the unfortunate brownstone owner who must suffer the indignity of finding a bicycle locked to his or her wrought-iron fence:


Random Bike Parking

I own and live in a Brooklyn townhouse. Someone has been locking his or her bike to my wrought-iron fence in front of my house. I have left a note asking that it be moved, but the person keeps leaving it there. What are my options?

Fort Greene, Brooklyn

The Times actually had some pretty sensible advice, but I would have addressed the question differently:

Dear Racked in Brooklyn,

Be thankful this is your biggest problem.  In fact you should probably encourage bike parking on your fence, since the comings and goings of the riders will discourage people from shitting on your stoop, thus putting the "brown" in brownstone.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

I can assure you this is an actual issue.

Don't ask me how I know.


110 comments:

P. Bateman said...

top gun!

dop said...

scranus

cdinvb said...

Rolling!

Roille Figners said...

Not top gun but still in the DAYNJA ZOAWNNNN

rodney dangerfield said...

SHAKESBEER FOR EVERERYONE

Unknown said...

72. Modern society is in certain respects extremely permissive. In matters that are irrelevant to the functioning of the system we can generally do what we please. We can believe in any religion we like (as long as it does not encourage behavior that is dangerous to the system). We can go to bed with anyone we like (as long as we practice “safe sex”). We can do anything we like as long as it is UNIMPORTANT. But in all IMPORTANT matters the system tends increasingly to regulate our behavior.

Charles said...

Read the post, coasted over the line

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Deep into the Monday.

vsk

Spokey said...

top of ole tinnitus

Anonymous said...

Hey!

cycle

Anonymous said...

Ka-POW!

Dave said...

But it's really great shit!

JLRB said...

When you gotta go you gotta go

Roille Figners said...

OK someone check Nupur's life insurance. Someone else call Dateline NBC.

Anonymous said...

How do I clear history in the new Safari?

JLRB said...

I wonder if there is a connection between the bike lock "victim" and last week's emphatically locked cycling-bike

JLRB said...

Roille - Why can't the same person do both?

You Probably Will Not Like My Comment Either said...

I have an inferiority complex but not a very good one.

Anonymous said...

putting the brown in brownstone is gold

Roille Figners said...

Kickstarter video summary:

watch grass grow for 5 seconds; cut to shot of NOT THE PRODUCT --> close window

streepo said...

I'm shitting on your stoop.

Hedi Fleeis said...

How soon until Uber starts delivering prostitutes?

streepo said...

@Dave 11:26
nice Firesign Theater callout.

bad boy of the north said...

what can brown doo for you?sorry,went there.

clyde said...

Will the wire breaks work with my road hydraulic dick breaks?

Spokey said...

seems to me that wire break will have my wheels perma-locked as it bends around my handlebar bag. if not that, then launch me over the handlebars when i go down on the aerobars. but if they solve that goddamn squeal in the front breeks, i'll going for it even it means i'm really going for the deeetch.

P. Bateman said...

fuck yo' front stoop ninja!

P. Bateman said...

you know, these no glue tube patches are b.s. think putting a bit of jb weld on there will work? i dont have any regular super glue.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

scranulogical forecast... "wiry"

Anonymous said...

The Brownstone owner should have Ted K mail the bike owner a Cease and Desist Forever Order.

Rocky the Racoon said...

I'm not shitting on your stoop, I'm just saying hello,

Anonymous said...

Heidi Flesse at 11:50 - Could there be a separate service for BJ's? Name could be a play on the word "delivery".

Anonymous said...

Imagine the whole husband kills wife with car as husband kills wife with a bicycle claiming he's never rode a bike before. Cops would buy it.

P. Bateman said...

i would think it would be something like Luber (lube her) or maybe Nuder, or how about...oh, duh! Buber.

i think buber is the winner.

Anonymous said...

The whole husband and wife business would never happen in Canada, unless the husband was a politician.

Anonymous said...

Proposed name for BJ Delivery Service "Pre-ejaculation Messenger Service" - Name implies speedy service.

N/A said...

Caroyln Rogerson says that a bike locked to wrought iron brings to mind a visual cacophony that if you look there long enough it will induce a dizzying type of vertigo, which prevents stoop shitting. It's ingenious, really. Delia Ephron was unavailable to comment on the idea to painting the wrought iron blue.

Fred from Milan said...

Poor Italian architects. Take pity on them because the reality is they can't think of anything better to do with their time. Trust me, I know...
As for their poor English. Architects can't write. In any language. Period.
http://www.archdaily.com/542089/the-architect-s-guide-to-writing
(a badly-written guide to writing badly)

BamaPhred said...

Sounds like, among other things, The doctor is going to collect a fat insurance policy and the inlaws want a piece to the action.
I thought the whole idea of fixie was to be minimal, no brakes, no gears, just being one with the bike
Ok just to be offensive, could the fence owner legitimately cut the lock off the bike? I've seen Snob pictures of the cops removing bikes
I think the fence owner has issues and I would be afraid to lock mine to the fenc after being warned a couple of times.

dnk said...

@BamaPhred,

Here is what that article says about cutting:

"Resist the urge to cut the lock and remove the bike, because doing so is illegal. If you cut the lock and leave the bike where it is, you would be liable for the value of the bike if it were to be stolen. Regardless, cutting someone’s lock is not a particularly neighborly thing to do."

Anonymous said...

I read the brownstone bike lock thing this weekend but my reaction was different, more along the lines of why would some asshole think it is okay to lock their bike to a fence of a house that isn't theirs. But then I remembered this is Brooklyn which is currently the center of the universe in terms of self-entitled assholes with very poor manners. So this is par for the course.

Nich said...

You've forgotten to mention the ABS-like effect of the wire BREAK.

streepo said...

Given his upbringing maybe Wildcat can start a potato delivery service called Tuber.

BamaPhred said...

Yeah, one asshole doesn't want stuff against their fence, the other one assumes it's ok to use, cause them, they both don't want to lose the "the upper hand", it really doesn't affect me either way, lots of luck to them.

bk jimmy said...

They have the same technology on MTA buses. You pull any section of the wire, and then the bus stops.

Spokey said...

snobbie was brought up in idaho? didn't know. how does an idaho boy get to brooklyn. i'll go ask gene roddenberry.

ken e. said...

my new deliver service apropos of local, "duber".

Grump said...

Hey, is that "wire brake" guy Father Guido Sarducci?????

Anonymous said...

Uh-uh-huh-huh, huh-huh, he said brownstone.

N/A said...

I think the only solution for the owner of the wrought iron fence is to put a bear or lion inside the fence to discourage anybody from getting near.

Anonymous said...

Lol, Puck goes corporate.

Anonymous said...

I know where you live, motherfucker, and I'm going to go there and poop on your stoop when you're out riding one of your stupid, ill-fitting bicycles.

bk jimmy said...

Does the bike's owner have any recourse if you lock your garbage cans to the bike on your fence?

Anonymous said...

Man, shitting on a stoop sounds like heaven. Here in SF, I have to either shit on the sidewalk, under the escalator in the BART station, or on the BART.

Bike thieves suck said...

Possibly dumber than the moron who got caught stealing a Citi Bike; is the moron in Kansas who stole a Surrey bike/car.

Laurey Williams said...

"...a Surrey bike/car"

With the fringe on top?

JLRB said...

I already have wired br[e]akes on my bike. I would not use wireless br[e]akes.

Winky said...

Speaks volumes that the advice given to the brownstoner didn't include "Don't be an arsehole and be happy that your precious fence is providing a convenient solution to another person's problems at zero cost to yourself." If I owned a brownstone, I would have no problem with someone locking their bike to the front fence. I'd remove any obviously abandoned bikes, I guess.

streepo said...

Plenty of tubers on long island

P. Bateman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P. Bateman said...

used to let my dogs run around this graveyard in downtown/uptown-Charlotte. place was also home to a lot of homeless that lived back in the woods around it or were just looking for a good place to chill out and not get hassled.

anyway, one time i was out i see the puppy over behind a dumpster eating something and go close to find that it was a nice big pile of human poop. which was way, way more disgusting than the time she found like a month old dead racoon and was chowing down on the corpse. human poop is just so nauseating.

it still makes me wretch to even think about it and that's why i thought this would be a good story to share. enjoy your lunch break.

Spokey said...


so i was sittin' thar poopin in my terlet <sorry thar, don't have no stoop for poop< readin my aarp rag. they had a map of the us with the league state rankings.

gawdy oh lobbie. new york must be really bad. it's the worst ranked in the north east. you had to get down to south caroliny for a worse state. even florida was significantly better and we know from our southern ambassador, master bateman, how bad that place is.

so if if nyc is the best and ny state is the worst, is it possible to bieksickle outside the city limits and live?

No Criminality Suspected said...

I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

... i take issue with this formula: Architects + Fixed Gear = Total Wankery
...i think you are missing a component... or a qualifier for the architects in the equation.
...perhaps it's Douchebag Architects?
...i know an architect who put together his fixed gear FOLDING bicycle and he travels with it in a hard shelled suitcase that leaves enough space for a short trip... and he doesn't pay airline fees for a bicycle, or spend much time reassembling the bike because it has no cables, save for the front brake. he might one day work on putting wheels on his suitcase, though that might be total wankery.
...by the way, that architect is not me... he's just a friend... and he wanted me to post this on his behalf.

yours truly,
not an architect + fixed gear

Chamois Juice said...

I was disappointed to see that comments on YouTube were disabled for the Uber bike messenger video. I was going to ask if they could deliver an 18inch black double ended dildo. I need some ass-to-ass action. STAT!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...that's 'enough space for clothing for a short trip...'

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

disagreeing, snob...
eventually the fence gets strewn with sadly rusting and rotting bicycles - its not an "urgent" problem, but you have heard of the "broken window" theory, yes? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_windows_theory
I've even seen trees cut down because someone locked their bike to one.
I give the bikes in my neighborhood a week and then ask the police to tag them for removal..with 48 hours notice - the cyclist sees the tag and then finds a more proper place to lock their bike.
Gotta run...I'm delivering hot soup on my commute home!

1904 Cadardi said...

If it's not okay to cut the lock and leave the bicycle, is it okay to cut the bicycle and leave the lock?

N/A said...

If you just can't possibly imagine letting somebody lock their bike to a bit of fence in front of your shitty stoop, then let the air out of a tire. It won't cost the bike's owner any money and it should encourage them to move down to the next section of fence if it continually happens. As a bonus, you still get to be passive-aggressive. Heaven forbid you just tape a note to the handlebars, or speak to the person, or even not worry about it to begin with...

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

My dog disclaims any knowledge of brown stools on brownstone stoops.

He didn't do anything, no one saw him do anything, they can't prove a thing.

And yet, he complains, his criminality is always suspected. It's just not fair.




BamaPhred said...

Just for grins, I searched for bike friendly rankings and found this. Surprise, we're #50. C'mon man, seriously? Behind Mississippi and Arkansaa? And #49 Kentucky, #48 Kansas? #29 NY only slightly higher than La and Ms.

Bloc-Quebequois said...

TedK est un connard.

your theory is lovely chap said...

Since then it has been subject to great debate both within the social sciences and the public sphere. The theory has been used as a motivation for several reforms in criminal policy, including the controversial mass use of "stop, question, and frisk" by the New York City Police Department.

The Real Wheel said...

Bicycle Fredly America

N/A said...

It's only controversial if you're not attracted to the person doing the frisking. Otherwise, that's just a nice walk down the street.

Anonymous said...

"The theory has been used as a motivation for several reforms in criminal policy, including the controversial mass use of "stop, question, and frisk" by the New York City Police Department."

Clearly the evidence of promptly fixing broken windows and removing graffiti used to develop this theory does NOT imply stop/question/frisk will have the same effect in a community. NYPD want to harass people on the street and they miss-appropriated the Broken Windows to get public support for what they wanted to do.

Anonymous said...

The guy in the Kickstarter video said "extremely unique". That's not possible. The word unique cannot be qualified. Something is either unique or it is not. It's a word Yoda would like.

Freddy Murcks said...

It seems that the police are not interested in investigating any incident that involves death and cars as long as the driver is neither drunk nor leaves the scene of the "accident". If Mr. Baten had shot or stabbed his wife, he'd be in jail. Since he ran her over with his car, the police are like "Oopsie. Try to be more careful next time." I would single the NYPD out for scorn, but it seems to be the basic state of affairs everywhere.

Hitmen, take note. Fewer guns and more car "accidents."

Gene Rottenberry said...

Always remember, kids. Keep the brown side down.

JLRB said...

For a brownstone version of today's post, simply print on lightly used repurposed toilet paper.

JLRB said...

So perhaps the broken windows theory could be applied to police who do something slightly outside the bounds, like painting their own private parking spot on space reserved for bicycle traffic. That sort of harmless misuse of authority eventually leads to corrupt actions for profit, and then you have Serpico blowing the whistle on you. So don't paint the lines if you can't do the time.

Anonymous said...

Another day, another SUV crashing into a Dunkin' Donuts: https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2015/10/25/injured-after-car-crashes-into-dunkin-donuts-canton/O2Fvk7dkbxCXb29ZoJKwkO/story.html

Listeria Monocytogenes said...

Whole Foods Market of Cambridge, Massachusetts, is recalling bulk and packaged Curry Chicken Salad and Classic Deli Pasta Salad sold in stores in ME, NH, MA, RI, CT, NY and NJ because it has the potential to be contaminated with Listeria Monocytogenes, an organism which can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. Although healthy individuals may suffer only short-term symptoms such as high fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain and diarrhea, Listeria infection can cause miscarriages and stillbirths among pregnant women. Consumers should seek immediate medical care if they develop these symptoms.

No illnesses have been reported.

The salads were sold prepackaged, in salad bars, in store's chef's cases and in sandwiches and wraps prepared in the stores. The effected products were sold in stores between October 18 and October 22, 2015 and have a "sell by" date of October 23, 2015. The recalled items include:

Hannibal "the Cannibal" Merckx said...

Lysteria monocytogenes is delicious when served with some fava beans and nice chianti.

Art Garfinkel said...


BROWNS
TONE

ART
IS
ANAL

Roille Figners said...

JLRB 4:49 for COD

Also def. recommend reading the Dunkin's article - it features a sentient car that is female. Bet you didn't know cars had gender, did ya? Or wait, are they simply referring to it as feminine like a ship?

"A woman’s car crashed into a Dunkin’ Donuts building Sunday afternoon in Canton after she mistook the gas pedal for the brakes, officials said."

Bruce Sillosis said...

Bwahaha Listeria. So you kill those who ingest you & their unborn spawn. When someone eats me with their unpasteurized cheese, I kill them, and then I kill the lab workers who handle the specimen.

Go back to the Wisconsin State lab where you belong.

Amateur.

Dooth said...

Brooklyn wrought-iron is a bit twee to handle a locked bike.

JB said...

Not to mention, overwrought.

DB said...

Where's Babble?
You weren't on a whale watching boat yesterday were you?

P. Bateman said...

hey Listeria - i'll tell you where those poor sick folks went wrong...eating salad.

get some meat in your mouth.

my god, went for a ride on my other skinny tired bike after weeks of chubby bike riding. was fun to be on razor thin tyres and a frame that actually fits me better, but that wasnt the issue. it was going from the sissy compact to the big boy 54/42 - it was a real shock for the ol' legs. hey legs! shut. the. f. up.

i will say. the close ratio of an 11 speed is nice. and i'm usually a real luddite.

Doc Sarvis said...

Milanese brakes? Really? I guess it sounds better than Ukrainian brakes, cuz that sure ain't no Eye-Talian accent

ChamoisJuice said...

riding a bike 2 - by Namio Harukawa

riding a bike- by Namio Harukawa

Fucking artists always screw up what the driveside. I don't really understand, dooder seems to have an eye for detail, otherwise.

Japanese people = weirder than any other ethnicity

ChamoisJuice said...

Coolest recumbent/tandem/folding bike I ever did see

The Cheaper said...

It's The Cheaper!

This comment sanctioned by reCAPTCHA robot or a miracle of my deep faith in Lob when it requested anti-robot proof thus:

Select all images with bicycles

Followed by waffles? I mean, C'mon!

shichimaru said...


say hi from nha xinh nam linh chi

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