(Haven't gotten Canada anything yet? Click here for a great last-minute gift idea!)
But did you know that down here in Canada's noseless saddle we also have a birthday? That's right, we do! It's called "The 4th of July," and we generally celebrate it on July 4th:
(America presenting its feathery bird-cock to Lady Liberty.)
Like most Americans, I usually observe the holiday by dousing hamburgers and hot dogs with lighter fluid, setting them ablaze, and catapulting them into the sky. This year however I figured I should do something different, and so I was excited to receive a promotional email inviting me to cycle America's national parks:
This seemed like it could be truly inspirational, for our national parks are our greatest treasure--or at least I'm assuming that's the case, otherwise Ken Burns wouldn't have bothered to make a documentary about them. (I haven't actually seen it yet, I've been trying to finish "The Dust Bowl" for the past 14 months.) Unfortunately, when they say "cycling America's national parks," what they really mean is "watching videos of America's national parks while riding a trainer:"
"From the valleys, to the prairies, to the mountains..." this 9-video pack includes a fantastic lineup of cycling journeys through twisting canyons, over high mountain passes; from below sea level to above the treeline; with the geysers and bison of Yellowstone to the unmistakable profile of the Grand Tetons; rushing rivers, placid alpine lakes; Zion's amazing colors and landscapes; Blue Ridge's smooth, smokey skyline; mammoth Sequoia trees, even bigger red-rock formations and tiny chipmonks; the stark desert beauty of Joshua Tree and more for 40% off the usual price with our July 4th sale!
That sounds about right. Our roadways are far too dangerous for cycling, and it's only a matter of time before drilling and droughts have laid waste to the landscape, so we might as well embrace our dystopian future now, cower indoors, and enjoy America the way God, Jesus, and Sam Walton intended: on a big-ass TV screen:
(Not sure what he's doing down there, but at least he's wearing a helme(n)t.)
Plus, why ride for real when you can do it inside while listening to shitty music instead?
I only hope you get to pick an avatar:
Best of all, by riding virtually you can avoid altercations with your fellow cyclists:
Here's the video, which contains language that is "NSFW," such as "FUCK" and "WHAT THE FUCK:"
The altercation took place during the men's pro 1/2 race, the featured event in the Fitchburg Downtown Criterium, just after both men crossed the finish line outside City Hall.
In the video, Warner is seen seated on the ground, his bike beside him. Townsend is standing over Warner, punching him twice in what appears to be the back of the neck as Warner raises his arms to defend himself.
Back of the neck?!? I sure hope the victim had his helme(n)t on the right way!
("Go ahead, punch me in the back of the neck, I dare you!")
Subsequently, the assailant's contract has been terminated:
Townsend's former team, BikeReg Elite Cycling, released a statement on Facebook on Monday morning in which they announced that Townsend's contract had been terminated.
"BikeReg is aware of the unacceptable actions of one of our sponsored riders at the 2015 Longsjo Classic in Fitchburg, MA.
This is probably a good thing for Townsend, because when you're riding at that level your contract generally says you have to pay your team and not the other way around, so this ought to save him a lot of money.
By the way, the BikeReg.com Elite Cycling Team bills itself as "New England's premier elite amateur cycling program." So what could this contract possibly have to say that's so important anyway? "Any rider caught doping will automatically forfeit his 10% discount at Chuck's Bike-O-Rama?"
In any case, Townsend can always fill those empty slots in his racing schedule with nude modeling:
Is there training involved?
I do not train specifically for modeling. However, I am a professional cyclist as well as a model. I raced in the Downtown Worcester Criterium on June 28 and placed fourth in the Pro Men's race. So, all of my training is done for cycling but yoga, which I use for cross training, lends itself to modeling very well.
Sadly, Townsend's nude modeling contract was terminated after he repeatedly punched a student in the back of the neck for not drawing his penis correctly.
Speaking of nudity, the Portland World Naked Bike Ride recently took place, and please enjoy this somewhat-unsafe-for-work video:
It's worth noting that heme(n)t propaganda has been so effective that people will risk sunburned genitals before they will ride without a plastic hat:
And yes, I was surprised to learn that Portland does in fact see genital-scorching weather:
(Yep, that'll do it.)
Anyway, I haven't seen any reports of men horrifying fellow participants with spontaneous erections, but apparently the ride was full of "douchebags:"
Including so-called "Look At My Dick" Guy:
#1: "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy
"LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy wants you to look at his dick. He might be completely up-front about his motives or he might be covert. Either way, you better believe "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy doesn't have any underwear on!
The particular "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy I rode next too for far too long last night painted a rainbow onto his stomach that led to his dick and yelled "TASTE THE RAINBOW!" He yelled it over and over. He never yelled anything else. He just rode dick-first straight at every group of spectators and yelled the same hilarious line: "TASTE THE RAINBOW!"
Sounds like someone else I know:
Nevertheless, I remain shocked--SHOCKED!--that a ride that resembles a fraternity stunt attracts what sound like current and former fraternity members.
Lastly, Ford wants to sell you you a bike:
Not only does the saddle come pre-tilted:
But the bike is also "modular," which means you can create your own two-wheeled abomination:
"So you can put different pieces on the central core. You could actually have a mountain bike front end or a road bike front end and sort of change the type of bicycle you have..."
I'm still waiting for the two-wheel drive model.