Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Virtual Velocipedists and Fredly Fisticuffs

Everybody knows that tomorrow, July 1st, is Canada's birthday:


(Haven't gotten Canada anything yet?  Click here for a great last-minute gift idea!)

But did you know that down here in Canada's noseless saddle we also have a birthday?  That's right, we do!  It's called "The 4th of July," and we generally celebrate it on July 4th:


(America presenting its feathery bird-cock to Lady Liberty.)

Like most Americans, I usually observe the holiday by dousing hamburgers and hot dogs with lighter fluid, setting them ablaze, and catapulting them into the sky.  This year however I figured I should do something different, and so I was excited to receive a promotional email inviting me to cycle America's national parks:


This seemed like it could be truly inspirational, for our national parks are our greatest treasure--or at least I'm assuming that's the case, otherwise Ken Burns wouldn't have bothered to make a documentary about them.  (I haven't actually seen it yet, I've been trying to finish "The Dust Bowl" for the past 14 months.)  Unfortunately, when they say "cycling America's national parks," what they really mean is "watching videos of America's national parks while riding a trainer:"

"From the valleys, to the prairies, to the mountains..." this 9-video pack includes a fantastic lineup of cycling journeys through twisting canyons, over high mountain passes; from below sea level to above the treeline; with the geysers and bison of Yellowstone to the unmistakable profile of the Grand Tetons; rushing rivers, placid alpine lakes; Zion's amazing colors and landscapes; Blue Ridge's smooth, smokey skyline; mammoth Sequoia trees, even bigger red-rock formations and tiny chipmonks; the stark desert beauty of Joshua Tree and more for 40% off the usual price with our July 4th sale! 

That sounds about right.  Our roadways are far too dangerous for cycling, and it's only a matter of time before drilling and droughts have laid waste to the landscape, so we might as well embrace our dystopian future now, cower indoors, and enjoy America the way God, Jesus, and Sam Walton intended: on a big-ass TV screen:


(Not sure what he's doing down there, but at least he's wearing a helme(n)t.)

Plus, why ride for real when you can do it inside while listening to shitty music instead?



I only hope you get to pick an avatar:


Best of all, by riding virtually you can avoid altercations with your fellow cyclists:


Here's the video, which contains language that is "NSFW," such as "FUCK" and "WHAT THE FUCK:"




The altercation took place during the men's pro 1/2 race, the featured event in the Fitchburg Downtown Criterium, just after both men crossed the finish line outside City Hall.

In the video, Warner is seen seated on the ground, his bike beside him. Townsend is standing over Warner, punching him twice in what appears to be the back of the neck as Warner raises his arms to defend himself.

Back of the neck?!?  I sure hope the victim had his helme(n)t on the right way!


("Go ahead, punch me in the back of the neck, I dare you!")

Subsequently, the assailant's contract has been terminated:

Townsend's former team, BikeReg Elite Cycling, released a statement on Facebook on Monday morning in which they announced that Townsend's contract had been terminated.

"BikeReg is aware of the unacceptable actions of one of our sponsored riders at the 2015 Longsjo Classic in Fitchburg, MA.

This is probably a good thing for Townsend, because when you're riding at that level your contract generally says you have to pay your team and not the other way around, so this ought to save him a lot of money.

By the way, the BikeReg.com Elite Cycling Team bills itself as "New England's premier elite amateur cycling program."  So what could this contract possibly have to say that's so important anyway?  "Any rider caught doping will automatically forfeit his 10% discount at Chuck's Bike-O-Rama?"

Please.

In any case, Townsend can always fill those empty slots in his racing schedule with nude modeling:


Is there training involved?

I do not train specifically for modeling. However, I am a professional cyclist as well as a model. I raced in the Downtown Worcester Criterium on June 28 and placed fourth in the Pro Men's race. So, all of my training is done for cycling but yoga, which I use for cross training, lends itself to modeling very well.

Sadly, Townsend's nude modeling contract was terminated after he repeatedly punched a student in the back of the neck for not drawing his penis correctly.

Speaking of nudity, the Portland World Naked Bike Ride recently took place, and please enjoy this somewhat-unsafe-for-work video:



It's worth noting that heme(n)t propaganda has been so effective that people will risk sunburned genitals before they will ride without a plastic hat:


And yes, I was surprised to learn that Portland does in fact see genital-scorching weather:


(Yep, that'll do it.)

Anyway, I haven't seen any reports of men horrifying fellow participants with spontaneous erections, but apparently the ride was full of "douchebags:"



Including so-called "Look At My Dick" Guy:

#1: "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy

"LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy wants you to look at his dick. He might be completely up-front about his motives or he might be covert. Either way, you better believe "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy doesn't have any underwear on!

The particular "LOOK AT MY DICK" Guy I rode next too for far too long last night painted a rainbow onto his stomach that led to his dick and yelled "TASTE THE RAINBOW!" He yelled it over and over. He never yelled anything else. He just rode dick-first straight at every group of spectators and yelled the same hilarious line: "TASTE THE RAINBOW!"

Sounds like someone else I know:


Nevertheless, I remain shocked--SHOCKED!--that a ride that resembles a fraternity stunt attracts what sound like current and former fraternity members.

Lastly, Ford wants to sell you you a bike:



Not only does the saddle come pre-tilted:


But the bike is also "modular," which means you can create your own two-wheeled abomination:


"So you can put different pieces on the central core.  You could actually have a mountain bike front end or a road bike front end and sort of change the type of bicycle you have..."

I'm still waiting for the two-wheel drive model.

113 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did he just say the ford bike folds so you can put it in the back of your F-150?

Anonymous said...

podiating

Anonymous said...

Holy podio, doping paying off

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Anonymous said...

Yee

bad boy of the north said...

wow...in the first group.still wiping the sleep from my eyes....funny post,bs!

Mark said...

What a way to start the day!

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DB said...

I'm old and I get up early.
Top ten.

Anonymous said...

Ted the Fred is still abed!

McFly said...

NON SEQUITUR: Mexico Pulls Out of Miss Universe lolz

Anonymous said...

Wasn't there a movie about Fred fights? Roadie House?

Anonymous said...

This cycle-trainer-National-Park video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCh1QaWGhDQ

...is clearly taken with a car, not a bike. So you should watch it sitting on the couch holding a steering wheel.

Dave said...

TedWank 2015 Manifesto

Paragraph 395.

The oversocialized slave unit male model road-bike enthusiast and yoga devotee typically relieves his anxiety regarding his pointless existence by punching fellow slaves in the back of the neck from time to time. We philosopher-kings look down on this ant-like behavior as if from a great height; we prefer to just send out little bombs in the mail.

I might be a robot. It's a knotty philosophical conundrum. Robot's Rules of Order don't apply!

DB said...

Early COD for McFly.

BamaPhred said...

thanks Snob, I had forgotten to go get propane, charcoal, a quart of lighter fluid,, fireworks, some hotdogs and ground beef.

Spokey said...

<yawn>

top scorus, but much too earlius

JLRB said...

2015 "Beaver At Work" $20 Canadian Silver Coin

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Beat Ted, good enough for me!!

vsk

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

top twenny

Guy Y said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Guy Y said...

Thats not the only helmet about on that side of the couch.

I think Cipo would want to watch something a little more salubrious on his television during, though.

Anonymous said...

"The unmistakable profile of the grand tetonas"? Is that safe for work?

dop said...

scranus

Grump said...

Are you sure that it wasn't Roberto Gaggioli smacking that guy in the head at Longsjo??? At least he didn't have a 2X4.

Anonymous said...

(Not sure what he's doing down there, but at least he's wearing a helme(n)t.)

probably tasting the rainbow....

crosspalms said...

Thanks to my virtual reality helment, I can watch those national parks videos while I ride around the neighborhood. Beats looking at traffic.

Freddy Murcks said...

Post's early today. You caught me with my pants down (literally).

Anonymous said...

What a horrible video. Meaningless content with a smokescreen of artsy effects and black & white auteur– and ugly bodies.

Anonymous said...

Beat Ted! ?

Steven Dorst said...

I tried to take your advice and by Canada the suggested birthday present, but I was faced with a problem: Size!

The largest size is:
Large Length 13.5″ / Chest 20″ / Neck 14"-17"

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Canada just a wee bit bigger than the largest size?

Your advice is humbly anticipated.

JLRB said...

RUDE NUDE

androgel_ftw said...

when you're riding at that level your contract generally says you have to pay your team and not the other way around

So true it is funny. An athlete would make more money digging ditches/day laborer.

Punching dude may be hitting the testosterone gel too hard. He's never going to test positive, so why not?

Bryan said...

That Ford bicycle....NO! That is all.

samh said...

Cockie!

David Pearce said...

Dear Snob,

You spelled "hema(n)t" wrong. It's spelled with an "a" in the middle, not as you misspelled it here with an "e":

"It's worth noting that heme(n)t propaganda has been so effective that people will risk sunburned genitals before they will ride without a protective boost to their hematocrit levels"

I only bring this up in service of accuracy and fairness in media.

wishiwasmerckx said...

You guys are sooo judgey! Don't jump to conclusions until you have all the facts. As it turns out, the punchee had a hematocrit level of 54, while the puncher had a hematocrit of 52. That guy deserved the smackdown he received.

ubercurmudgeon said...

I read "Lastly, Ford wants to sell you you a bike" and thought Robs Fords had opened a high-end cycle boutique. Actually, that might be a wise career move for him, because in this post-post-modern world all businesses need an ironic angle. He could call it the Five Cs Emporium, and sell Cervelos, Cannondales, Crack, Colnagos and Coffee. Everything today's aspiring semi-pro-slash-nude-model meathead racer needs under one roof.

Mount Logan said...



Well, it looks like on of the large size might cover 144 square inches if you lay it out flat. So buy 107,474,103,475,200 to cover Canada (land area including bottoms of fresh water lakes, ponds, rivers, etc)

You're the one anticipating advice.

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob - I thought you would appreciate this crapola story from the VeloSnooze: Can CannonSnail’s Aluminum CHAD12 Compare to Crabon?

I note that if they wanted to make the test accurate they would find some way to conceal from the tester whether they are riding a crabon or an aluminum bike. This screams expectation bias.

CommieCanuck said...

Hey, If I were looking at a bike shop to sell me stuff that actually makes me go faster, I'd trust Rob Ford's pharmaceutical expertise over any hipster selling me a crabon gravel bike.
Name one person that that can smoke that much crack, get cancer and still gain weight, then decide to walk around city council chambers dressed as Snoop Dog.

You call him Presidential hopeful Donald Trump, we call him Rob Ford Lite.

CommieCanuck said...

Another pic of Robs lately.

CommieCanuck said...

Ford: buy our bike, because you really shouldn't rely on our shitty cars.

ROBS FORD

MASS HOLE said...

Is that Townsend guy from Princeton or is that Princeton guy from Townsend?
Will he be entering Shirley from the west?

James said...

that Ford contraption is a glorified electric moped. like all those things with batteried and motors, I refuse to call it a bike.
Also, like the separation of Church and State, car manufacturers need to stay away from bike production.

Steven Dorst said...

Mount Logan's calculations cause me to lower my expectations. Perhaps we Snobbies can pool together to get enough to cover Rob Ford?

Comment deleted said...

"Give me your tired, your poor, your feathery bird cock." -- Ms. Liberty

JLRB said...

VVFF

Anonymous said...

FORD bicycle -

1. Found On Rode Dead
2. Fix Or Repair Daily

cycle

bieks said...

Dave, I always see your photo as an RCMP officer in full red serge uniform. Today it's appropriate. Even after clicking to see the larger version, I still can't unsee the mountie.

leroy said...

My dog suggested I supplement our income by getting a nude modeling gig for an art class studying Botero.

I suggested we get him a pair of those doggy long johns from the Canadian gift shop Mr. BSNYC touts. He can wear them for time trials and stop borrowing my jerseys.

Roille Figners said...

Shitty music is right - it sounds like an early draft of what became the theme to Miami Vice, which even in final form, sucked feathery eagle balls, and not in a patriotic way either.

Roille Figners said...

Nice to see Ford applying their unique design philosophy to bikes though. "Here's a thing. How can we make it frivolous, cluttered, ugly, complicated and easily broken like our cars?"

meltyman said...

Ford bike: I kinda like it, as long as the battery is charged using solar or wind power (like what I got im haus). Two wheels good, four wheels... also good, as long as nothin' / no-one gets burned to make it go.

Wade said...

I crossed a creek once on my mountain bike, does that make it a ford?

Svend said...

If they made that bike in Norway, then it would be a Fyord.

Bald Eagle said...

Re: James @ 1:33

What about Peugeot making cars and bikes? They really shouldn't have made any of those cars IMHO.

Re: Anonymous @ 1:41

All Rainbow Guys should ride the FORD bikes

Fromunda Our Rainbow Dicks

Svend said...

With a 'J'.

abortion said...

Last time I went fly fishing, they offered to take me in a boat. I had my hippers, and couldn't decide between Row or Wade.

Agnes said...

http://southoldlocal.com/2015/06/30/town-looks-to-ban-all-bike-race-events-in-southold-between-may-and-october/

I'm just gonna leave this here.

BamaPhred said...

But I have to wonder, what led to the altercation? Like in other sports, the person who hits back is usually the guy who gets penalized. This is like watching old people fighting. C'mon man, pull your victim's bibshorts up over his head, bust out the atomic wedgie, and execute the Tombstone.

McFly said...

Svend I believe you mean Fjord.

babble on said...

OMG so many things!! Snoop dawg looks like an underfed, scrawny roadie. And speaking of which, how is it that people pay for skinny, underfed roadie nudies? (Just green jelly here, cause I don't have any of that scrawnyness going on, I guess.)

Also... what kind of gallery curator orders orange paint with teal accents for the gallery walls???!! I thought that being colour blind was a deal breaker for that sort of job.

That Ford bike. So much wrong it's hard to find anything right. It has two wheels, anyway, so there's a start. And Robba the Fords... how does a man with cancer of the fat manage to grow more fats when he has had his lipotumor removed??

There's so much more, but my poor wee, tiny brain hurts already.

dop said...

jyord just made no sense

JB said...

"It's worth noting that heme(n)t propaganda has been so effective that people will risk sunburned genitals before they will ride without a plastic hat:"

Perfect.

Zinn (yesterday's post): "Think of time savings as water pouring into a bucket. Sagan, since his power savings are so much higher with the new equipment than yours are, turns the faucet up high, but he pulls the bucket away sooner because he’s done with his 40km sooner; that limits the total water collected in the bucket. Because our power savings would be lower for the same change in equipment, we would have the faucet on a lower flow rate. But since we’re out there longer, our bucket stays under the faucet longer and ends up with a similar amount of water in it as Sagan’s does."

This the most convoluted way evar to say that Sagan will go distance X faster than you, but you still get the aero advantage for distance X, so the aero-help is "similar." HOWEVER, HE'S WRONG. Wind drag is proportional to the square of the speed. So, if you are going a speed of 2 and have a drag of 4, when you are going a speed of 4 you will have a drag of 16. Therefore, the Y percent more watts will knock much more off of the 16 than the 4.

Anonymous said...

Stay classy Fitchburg.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I'm going to buy my holiday chopped meat in Dannemora. I hear you can get valuable prizes, like chisels, screwdrivers and hopefully a titanium hammer mixed in the ground round.

grog said...

Always nice to see Recumbabe.

crosspalms said...

On the upside, Ford says with its bike you'll never have to worry about an airbag recall.

JLRB said...

Recumbababe - waiting for a swift breeze to lift the maple leaves - set them free

JLRB said...

Dear David Boner (sniggle):

I have two questions for you:

1. What did you expect from a naked ride, sober civil disobedience?

and

2. Is there some reason you are incapable of moderating your speed faster or slower to get away from the lookatmydickrainbow boy?

P. Bateman said...

darn. just arrived back from a trip to find a whole pile of fun bike bits and pieces, but this darn stem that i thought would be just soooooooo cool actually does not really fit in as far as looks go. anyone need a vintage syncros threadless mtn bike stem in polished silver (110mm)? its just way...beefier than i would have ever imagined. where's the beef? in my stem.

dop said...

I'm going to hum, "Oh Canada" and see if recumbabe stands up.

Hee Haw the barista said...

RAIN BLOW

ken e. said...

@P. Bateman,
i hung onto an old one inch quill stem by syncros long after that format left my building, because something, something, OG. also best fenders ever!

Oh Canada said...

Everyone in the Nude Bike Ride weighed in at 300 pounds, sure hope they were riding the 200 pound Wal-Mart "Robs the Fords" model.

McFly said...

If I took a classy nude and put it on the interwebs I do not think I would title it "Two Minutes With........McFly. "

livingjetlag said...

Holy crap, only one Masshole comment, over halfway down? And no deflated balls segue from Fitchburg to the Naked Fugly Ride? Bike Snob "New York," indeed. How about some love for Canada's Pubic Lice up I-95 north?

Murali said...

If you look closely at the picture, you will notice that it is NOT two-wheel drive. Look at which way the derailleur is mounted on the front wheel. It's actually a reverse gear. Must be a talented rider.

Anonymous said...

Here in the rainy Pacific Northwest our homegrown Solstice Celebration always begins with a naked bicycle ride. Having watched it and participated in it many times I can say that nearly every naked dude on a bicycle is 'Look-at-my-dick' guy. Because why not?

On the flip side, every guy with a zoom lens in the western hemisphere shows up as a spectator, because naked bike day is also TAKE PITCHERS OF DEM TITTIES DAY!

The experience is one everyone really should do at some point.

The Pugilist said...

That was a sissy fight. Most bikey type unitarded girly boys have pigeon chests and tiny biceps, so the best they can do is bitch-slap each other until one starts to cry.

Pot o' Gold said...

'Taste the rainbow' would be a great slogan for a presidential candidate.

Dave said...

bieks - Alas, they expelled me from the RCMP when I insisted on naming my horse Trigger. But I got to keep the shirt and aviator shades.

Raise The Bar said...


Should I inflate my tyres to the maximum pressure that is written on the sidewall, or is it ok to ride with tyres that are inflated to a lesser pressure. Will I risk personal injury or even death if I stray beyond the recommended settings?

P. Bateman said...

hey Ken-e - i have a quill syncros road stem on my old raleigh pro and i think it looks like "the shit" but this mountaining biking stem is a bit of overkill on a road bike - even if i am putting on some wide-ish 38mm tyres.

i wish i could say i didnt care how a bike looked and only cared how it functioned - that would be sensible and save me money, but alas... i like them sexy - or at least sexy-ish. i had to fight my insane side pretty hard to at least go shimano and not that sexy campy athena alloy on this stupid project.

ken e. said...

aesthetics (if i can even spell the word correctly) does have a lot to do with it.

Svend said...

Vhat is dis? Ford had a model F, a model K, but no model J.

Anonymous said...

I heard that a rider in the Canterbury naked bike ride was disqualified for being aroused on the start line recently.....he was probably just checking his stand over height

Gregorius Fuji said...

Now you need helments to climb volcanoes in Japan, too.

mae west said...

goodness had nothing to do with it

ce said...

You're getting really good at the photoshop Snobbo. You used to suck so bad at photos and stuff that it was the sucktitude itself that was funny. But now it is the masterful positioning of the characters that cracks me up. I can imagine The Gang would have been peppered along the route of the naked bike ride, creeping around behind the trees and lamp posts.

I.C. Weiner said...

That's not a lamp post.

Anonymous said...

"Should I inflate my tyres to the maximum pressure that is written on the sidewall, or is it ok to ride with tyres that are inflated to a lesser pressure. Will I risk personal injury or even death if I stray beyond the recommended settings?"

I assume these are rhetorical and/or joke questions, but if they are real questions, here is the best answers ever:

http://www.sheldonbrown.com/tires.html#pressure

Seymour Butts said...

Which way to the naked bike ride?

dop said...

Let me segue from the naked bike ride..

dop said...

which is synonymous with, "low-hanging fruit"

dop said...

especially if the ride is joined by older gents, such as myself

dop said...

gravity takes its toll...I don't have to remind you ladies out there

dop said...

so let us forget the low-hanging fruit today, and go straight for the wounded pack animals

dop said...

century

JLRB said...

to the blood test tent DOP - too many victories

dop said...

Caffeine? madness takes its toll

Anonymous said...

A couple of drops of rain fell from the sky here in Southern California yesterday, TV News was all over it. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Anonymous said...

Another technological advancement to make cycling safer!! YEAH!!

http://www.springwise.com/smart-device-warns-cyclists-upcoming-road-hazards

samuel jackson as principal firebush said...

Oh, Moses, Moses..

dop said...

July 1st? July 4th? Canada & USA are crabs

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob - If you're gonna be late because of the Wednesday weed, please at least plan on sharing some with the commentariat. While that may not be very practical, you should at least consider starting the next fon-don't with a little bong sesh.

sTONEdEADLAND said...

Legal weed in Orygun!

Brick Tamland said...

Anon 10:47-- Here in the mid-Atlantic hell-hole-- also know as Mom Nature's scranus (don't ask)-- it finally stopped raining Monday for about 30 seconds. This was after about a billion gallons fell from the sky over the weekend and virtually an entire month of Armageddon t-storms and Biblical flooding. Instead of pissing away brain-farts on idiotic "smart locks" for bicycles, some of these "entrepreneurs" need to work on how to get the water from here to there.

babble on said...

Meh... missed the Populaire, the traditional Canada Day ride, which is always as long as Canada is old. It's ridden in the delta of the Mighty Fraser river, which is hot hot hot as hades and matchstick dry these days. Today, the Populaire is 148 km long, but sadly, I'm not there. The peeps are already well on their way, while I am just finishing my morning matcha. I didn't even ride the Tuesday night crit last night; I was a marshal instead.

LAZY DAYZ

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