I know, who gives a shit, right?
Well, sure, but this year the Tour starts in Utrecht, and so the Dutch are using this as an opportunity to rub our noses in the fact that they live in a cycling paradise:
BIKE - The amazing world of cyclists in Utrecht from BLIK filmcommunicatie on Vimeo.
I enjoyed the video, but the filmmakers overstepped their bounds a bit by offering some cringeworthy editorial notes in their email:
Suggestion for posts:
You can open your post with something like this:
Yes, The Dutch Are Mad, Wheel Mad.
Or more environmentalist:
Why don't we be more like those wheel mad Dutchies
OK, easy there, Maxwell Perkins. You make the delightful bike movies, I'll take care of the wiseass blogging.
So anyway, why don't we be more like those wheel mad Dutchies, eh? They are Mad, Wheel Mad! They are also "diverse"--at least according to the narrator:
"A bizarre twist of nature with a booming diversity."
From the looks of things Utrecht makes Portland look like Queens.
See, in New York City we have actual diversity. Here, people from all different ethnic backgrounds live side by side, exchange customs, and ultimately run over one another without fear of reprisal:
According to witnesses who spoke with CrownHeights.info and DNAinfo, the driver was backing out of a parking space when he hit Rapp near Balfor Place and Empire Boulevard, then ran over him again in an apparent attempt to free him from under the car.
Hey, third time's a charm!
You can now add "I was attempting to free the victim" to the list of acceptable reasons to run someone over with your car. This is like saying, "The first time I shot him was an accident, and the second and third shots were just me trying to dislodge the bullet."
It's like when your ball gets stuck in the tree, so you throw another ball at it and then that ball gets stuck, and so forth.
Hey, it could happen to anybody.
This is why I'm considering applying for asylum in the Netherlands--and I think I have a pretty good shot at it too:
You will be eligible for asylum if:
- You have sound reasons to fear persecution in your country of origin because of your race, religion, nationality, political beliefs or because you belong to a certain social group.
- You have sound reasons to fear inhumane treatment in your country of origin.
- You are a family member of someone who now holds an asylum residence permit and you travelled to the Netherlands together with this family member or you have arrived in the Netherlands within 3 months from the date on which this family member was granted asylum.
Persecution because I belong to a certain social group? You betcha! As a cyclist I'm well aware that many of my fellow citizens would like to put me inna deeeitch. I also fear inhumane treatment in my country of origin--in fact, my own state senate recently voted to give bus and taxi drivers the right to run me over! So how's that for persecution and inhumane treatment?
I'll just keep checking my mail for that Dutch passport, and in the meantime I'm going to go get fitted for some rollerclogs:
(Long Island: New York's double-pronged wang.)
As per a commenter on yesterday's post, its seems that the Town Supervisor has moved to ban all bicycle-related events from May to October:
As swarms of bicyclists continue to flagrantly disregard the rules of the road, putting motorists and themselves in jeopardy, Southold Town Supervisor Scott Russell has proposed a ban on all bicycle and race events on town roads during the height of the summer season.
The ban, if approved, would be in place from May 1 to October 1.
This is because Southold Town Police Chief Martin Flatley says cyclists are the "number one complaint" they receive:
“I don’t know if our roads can support it anymore,” Flatley said. “The number one complaint we get now is about bicyclists on the roads, riding four or five abreast, not following the rules of the road.”
To me, this is less an indication that cyclists are a problem and more that WE NEED TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE MORE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT! Really, their biggest problem is cyclists riding abreast? If their existence is this rarefied then banning bike events is not going to work, because they'll only move onto complaining about some other non-problem, and next year Chief Flatley will be besieged with calls about how the local coffee shop has stopped putting out free pickles and cole slaw, or about how it's been unseasonably cold recently.
Moving on to product development news, here's a Kickstarter for something that's actually useful:
Specifically, it's a backpack with pockets you can access while riding, and here's a mesmerizing GIF that illustrates the principle:
As a backpack wearer and cyclist I acknowledge the convenience of this feature, so I give the concept a preliminary "thumbs up:"
Good for you.
Lastly, I bet you guys thought I forgot!
And in honor of this auspicious day here's some news via reader Jean-Francois about a brazen Canadian Cipollini heist:
On June 19, a man and woman entered the store at around 2:19 p.m., seemingly to browse. The woman idly wandered around the store, checking out inventory. The man, meanwhile, turned his attention to the high-end Italian Cipollini near the front door. The road bike — white with red and green striping on the frame, and equipped with Campagnolo wheels — was resting on a rack, from which the man then lifted the bike and placed it on the floor. Two minutes later, he opened the front door and pulled the bike out of the shop.
When it comes to pulling out quickly, nothing's faster than a Cipollini.