Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Feels Like a Wednesday.

So the Tour de France starts this Saturday.


I know, who gives a shit, right?

Well, sure, but this year the Tour starts in Utrecht, and so the Dutch are using this as an opportunity to rub our noses in the fact that they live in a cycling paradise:


BIKE - The amazing world of cyclists in Utrecht from BLIK filmcommunicatie on Vimeo.

I enjoyed the video, but the filmmakers overstepped their bounds a bit by offering some cringeworthy editorial notes in their email:

Suggestion for posts:
You can open your post with something like this:
Yes, The Dutch Are Mad, Wheel Mad.
Or more environmentalist:
Why don't we be more like those wheel mad Dutchies

OK, easy there, Maxwell Perkins.  You make the delightful bike movies, I'll take care of the wiseass blogging.

So anyway, why don't we be more like those wheel mad Dutchies, eh?  They are Mad, Wheel Mad!  They are also "diverse"--at least according to the narrator:


"A bizarre twist of nature with a booming diversity."

Diversity?

Where?

From the looks of things Utrecht makes Portland look like Queens.

See, in New York City we have actual diversity.  Here, people from all different ethnic backgrounds live side by side, exchange customs, and ultimately run over one another without fear of reprisal:

(Via Mark)

According to witnesses who spoke with CrownHeights.info and DNAinfo, the driver was backing out of a parking space when he hit Rapp near Balfor Place and Empire Boulevard, then ran over him again in an apparent attempt to free him from under the car. 

Hey, third time's a charm!

You can now add "I was attempting to free the victim" to the list of acceptable reasons to run someone over with your car.  This is like saying, "The first time I shot him was an accident, and the second and third shots were just me trying to dislodge the bullet."

It's like when your ball gets stuck in the tree, so you throw another ball at it and then that ball gets stuck, and so forth.

Hey, it could happen to anybody.

This is why I'm considering applying for asylum in the Netherlands--and I think I have a pretty good shot at it too:

Conditions

You will be eligible for asylum if:

  • You have sound reasons to fear persecution in your country of origin because of your race, religion, nationality, political beliefs or because you belong to a certain social group.
  • You have sound reasons to fear inhumane treatment in your country of origin.
  • You are a family member of someone who now holds an asylum residence permit and you travelled to the Netherlands together with this family member or you have arrived in the Netherlands within 3 months from the date on which this family member was granted asylum.

Persecution because I belong to a certain social group?  You betcha!  As a cyclist I'm well aware that many of my fellow citizens would like to put me inna deeeitch.  I also fear inhumane treatment in my country of origin--in fact, my own state senate recently voted to give bus and taxi drivers the right to run me over!  So how's that for persecution and inhumane treatment?

I'll just keep checking my mail for that Dutch passport, and in the meantime I'm going to go get fitted for some rollerclogs:

Speaking of being a member of a despised social group, here's the town of Southold on the east end of Long Island:


(Long Island: New York's double-pronged wang.)

As per a commenter on yesterday's post, its seems that the Town Supervisor has moved to ban all bicycle-related events from May to October:


As swarms of bicyclists continue to flagrantly disregard the rules of the road, putting motorists and themselves in jeopardy, Southold Town Supervisor Scott Russell has proposed a ban on all bicycle and race events on town roads during the height of the summer season.

The ban, if approved, would be in place from May 1 to October 1.

This is because Southold Town Police Chief Martin Flatley says cyclists are the "number one complaint" they receive:

“I don’t know if our roads can support it anymore,” Flatley said. “The number one complaint we get now is about bicyclists on the roads, riding four or five abreast, not following the rules of the road.”

To me, this is less an indication that cyclists are a problem and more that WE NEED TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE MORE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!  Really, their biggest problem is cyclists riding abreast?  If their existence is this rarefied then banning bike events is not going to work, because they'll only move onto complaining about some other non-problem, and next year Chief Flatley will be besieged with calls about how the local coffee shop has stopped putting out free pickles and cole slaw, or about how it's been unseasonably cold recently.

Moving on to product development news, here's a Kickstarter for something that's actually useful:

 

Specifically, it's a backpack with pockets you can access while riding, and here's a mesmerizing GIF that illustrates the principle:


As a backpack wearer and cyclist I acknowledge the convenience of this feature, so I give the concept a preliminary "thumbs up:"


Good for you.

Lastly, I bet you guys thought I forgot!


And in honor of this auspicious day here's some news via reader Jean-Francois about a brazen Canadian Cipollini heist:



On June 19, a man and woman entered the store at around 2:19 p.m., seemingly to browse. The woman idly wandered around the store, checking out inventory. The man, meanwhile, turned his attention to the high-end Italian Cipollini near the front door. The road bike — white with red and green striping on the frame, and equipped with Campagnolo wheels — was resting on a rack, from which the man then lifted the bike and placed it on the floor. Two minutes later, he opened the front door and pulled the bike out of the shop.

When it comes to pulling out quickly, nothing's faster than a Cipollini.

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

First in NH?

dop said...

podio

Ted K. said...

36. Nonattainment of important goals results in death if the goals are physical necessities, and in frustration if nonattainment of the goals is compatible with survival. Consistent failure to attain goals throughout life results in defeatism, low self-esteem or depression.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

WOOD SHOE

Anonymous said...

Yahtzee!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I hope you're still blogging and just as entertaining once you defect over to the Dutchies.

Blog Drafter said...

Ted K. notwithstanding, a thoroughly hilarious post. Congratulations Snob.

Anonymous said...

Ok!

cycle

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten again!

dnk said...

Fuck it, I'm applying for asylum in Holland.

Anonymous said...

I sure look good underneath Canada, if you know what I mean, eh, eh

Spokey said...

cry for me argentina

missed the tennis

Vernal Magina said...

I think the Dutchies need to work on the punctuation a little with the Suggestion for posts

is it not enough that they all speak Seven languages, they can't be grammatically and syntactically perfect in all of them?

... also, gotta say the phraseology of 'a certain social group' almost sounds like they give asylum to Nazis, wtf

Spokey said...

if I can't speel or proenounce a place i don't bieksickle in it

clyde said...

Top 20!!

Anonymous said...

Good one, Snob.

Worth the wait.

BamaPhred said...

Musings on today's blogulation:

Maxwell Perkins? More like Maxwell Smart

Some people are granted asylum, others are committed to one.

Are those rollerclogs Jimmy Choo's? (The shoe retailer, you know)

Chief Flatulence, need I say more?

Pulling out faster than The Donald, or Pulling out faster than Cipo? You decide, fair and balanced.

Thanks for the days news and commentary Snob

PS Is that image of Canada on the Happy Birthday flag giving us the Thumbs Down?

bottle_rockets_and_bunker_busters said...

Southold Town Supervisor Scott Russell has proposed a ban on all bicycle and race events on town roads during the height of the summer season.

WILL YOU PLEASE THINK OF THE OPPRESSED CAR OWNERS!!
Any chance this town is a bedroom community for the wealthy city dwellers and their "weekend houses?"

Anonymous said...

Bang bang Phred's titanium hammer came down upon his Budnitz......

babble on said...

Someone wrote to the local rag in Richmond, the Richmond Review, to complain about the Sunday Vet ride, calling us a swarm, too. One of the longstanding members of the ride, a cat 1 rider, revealed himself to be an officer of the RCMP, and posted on the FB page that whilst the police are well aware of the ride, they have, till now, let us police ourselves. But apparently letters like that would definitely shorten the leash. Sheesh. Why don't written complaints about motorists result in a similar shortening of their leashes??? Hmmm?!? I am happy to pen a whole fucking diatribe.

BamaPhred - the thumbs down is for our mad leader, who has gone to remarkable lengths to change the very face of Canada.

You guys on the East coast are getting all of our rainforests' moisture!! Fireworks have been banned in many places up here today.

I'm with Snobi Wan... let's all go Dutch.

McFly said...

It's like when your ball gets stuck in the tree, so you throw another ball at it and then that ball gets stuck, and so forth.

That's why I refuse to participate in World Naked Tree Climb.

Anonymous said...

I work for a Dutch company. Yes they have bikes but that's about it. They are basically inefficient Germans.

James said...

Sounds like Southold police need some crime to handle if cyclists are the number one complaint.

Press Announcement - for immediate release:
Criminals: Southold is looking to host you and your expliots in their community! Southold Town Police Chief Martin Flatley and town supervisor Scott Russell need your help challenging their policing and investigative abilities to justify their existence and give them a sense of purpose. So,come one, come all! Wreak your havoc on this community and give two civil servants work to be proud of.

This has been a public service announcement - you're welcome.

Mario Cipollini said...

Barbarian! How dare you speak ill of the Cipo. Cipo does not pull out fast. Cipo and the little swimming Cipos stay in for the full ride. And then Cipo gives the lady sweet kisses after the love making. #eatingpussy

P. Bateman said...

top...dang it.

i actually like the tour de france. and i dont really care about the doping. they are still climbing some pretty steep stuff and yes the doping is cheating, but i could dope my brains out and still not climb those hills. so, i think its still pretty impressive.

anyway, i just wish they would bring this back

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxVsD47MGMk

p.s. - canada DOES indeed look weird. if you showed that to 999 americans i bet they couldnt guess what they were looking at.

P. Bateman said...

i meant to say, 999 out of a 1,000 couldnt guess they were looking at canada....

Freddy Murcks said...

Thanks for that youtube clip, P. Bateman. That's some funny shit.

Roille Figners said...

Snobz I actually think you or someone should literally apply for asylum in Holland, citing those same reasons, and publicize the shit out of it. As an activisty thing. Maybe I'll do it.

babble on said...

Roille Figners -We should all do it, thousands upon thousands of Canadians, Americans, and Australians. It would make a great story.

JLRB said...

Silly Roille - The only way to activisty things is nude

P. Bateman said...

yeah, that network battle of the stars was on actual tv the other night in my hotel. ive been watching them since. its fascinating. Bruce jenner was on a few episodes.

DB said...

Good one Snob.

Getting prepared for the NYC trip this weekend. I've found eight old Metrocards in the travel documents area I have. They probably have fifty cents on each of them.
If one of you New Yorkers is waiting behind some guy at a turnstile trying a fistful of Metro cards this weekend, it's ME!

babble on said...

Hmmm... the nude refugee movement...

James said...

nudity is highly underrated.

Cipo said...

When on tandem bicycle with lady I always take the rear position

BikeSnobNYC said...

DB,

There's usually a little Metrocard scanner off to the side of the turnstiles for just that purpose. And you can ask the token booth clerk to combine the value.

Between that and NOT CARRYING A GODDAMN SELFIE STICK you're 95% of the way to being a local.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

Thanks, Wildcat.

I usually buy a new card everytime I come to the city which is why I have a collection.

DB said...

Leroy:
Ask your dog if we're watching fireworks at Fornino's, the Brooklyn Grange or Jay Z's place.
Thanks.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Enjoy your trip DB. I'll live vicariously through you. I used to have dreams and aspirations to one day visit the big apple with my neck craned up looking at the buildings and flailing about with my selfie stick but I've been reading this blog long enough to know to just stay away.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Diversity comes in different shades of blonde.

The backpack is actually a great idea. Now I can grap my phone in the middle of traffic and check my Strava. Also the easy access to my U lock makes it easier to defend myself against motorists looking to run me over 3 times.

And Don't Pretend It Is Not Excatly Like That said...

"And you can ask the token booth clerk to combine the value."

Sure you can. And they can answer back HEY! I'M SLEEPING HERE! DON'T FUCKIN TALK TO ME WHEN I'M FUCKIN SLEEPING!

Hee Haw the Barista said...

SLIP OLNI

DB said...

RCT:
Don't give up on your dream!
Just ask any of the fine New York Area commentors to pick you up at LGA and show you around for a few days.
They love to have visitors and drop everything to accommodate you.
My daughter and son in law can't wait to see us this weekend.
At least that's what they tell us....

Dave said...

RCT:
Better yet, fuggedabout NYC and come to the DC area - we'll go drafting the recumbents on the many regional miles of fine trails, with nary a pothole nor a speck of garbage, and many fine monuments are visible for miles around due to the lack of tall, dark satanic mills and whatnot. And, our local motorists are usually so polite that they almost never run us over more than once.

JLRB said...

CLOG BLOG

leroy said...

I'll see your Southold politician and raise you one Upper West Side cop.

A NYC cop, who doesn't live in the City, is on a personal mission to ticket NYC cyclists -- he has over a thousand tickets, no one else even comes close -- and the NY Post can't suck his balls fast enough.

Wonder how many speeding drivers he's stopped. Or if he's the cop who tackled the UWS senior citizen on the sidewalk to ticket him for jay walking. Maybe he's the guy who wrote the famous ticket for riding without a "helment." Wonder if he was one of the cops who investigated the cabbie who killed Cooper Stock -- the UWS kid holding his father's hand with the right of way in the crosswalk. No criminality there.

So much for community policing.

Hey New York Post: ticketing cyclists is about revenue raising, not safety. But you morons know that. Your B.S. articles are just to get mouse clicks to show advertisers.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't link to the New York Post, but between this and their recent article about the cyclist who just happened to swerve under a box truck's rear wheels (also no criminality and of course the truck could not possibly have side swiped the cyclist), I think I'll apply for asylum in the Netherlands.

At least the Dutch police are threatening to interfere with the TdF in order to protest pay.

Spokey said...

babs @1:18 PM

You guys on the East coast are getting all of our rainforests' moisture!! Fireworks have been banned in many places up here today.

our town tends to do fireworks before 4-jul as (according to the mayor) the cost is 3 times as much if done on the 4rth or even the week after. So ours was schedule for sat 27-jun. But that damn cannuck rain kept coming down and our pretty fire in the sky was postponed.

take your water & put it inna deetch

leroy said...

DB -- I like Fornino's, but I get indigestion paying that much for pizza. It turns out I'm stuck in the city on the Fourth and will be watching the fireworks from our tiny communal roof deck.

My dog informs me his invitation from the famous owner of our building's Penthouse with the spacious roof deck didn't include "a plus one." Apparently, his book club buddies and the crew with whom he sings karaoke all got similar invitations. I had no idea our neighbor even knew them. Small world I guess.

Spokey said...

McFly @ 1:20 PM

COD

leroy said...

My dog almost convinced me "selfie stick" was a slang term for a marital aid. Almost.

Anonymous said...

LOOK AT MY SELFIE STICK

JLRB said...

what is with bib-short-guys footwear?

Spokey said...

i am proud (or perhaps embarrassed) to say that until yesterday when i saw someone holding one and talking about it, i had no idea what a selfie stick was

Anonymous said...

"what is with bib-short-guys footwear?"

Perhaps fitting for Canada Day, those are
Mukluks

But they showed up on NPBSG at least a month ago.

babble on said...

Yep, McFly's on fire these days... just like our province, beautiful British Columbia. We've already completely blown our firefighting budget, and technically, fireforest season hasn't even begun. Much as I adore a clear and sunny day, our forests desperately need a little of the wet stuff, and there's none in the forseeable future.

And daaaaaaaaamn it's hot. My mountain climb on Saturday was so scorching that my braid was drip drip dripping on my thigh at over a drop per second. In four and a half hours on the bike I went through seven bottles of water, and even so I was dehydrated. I didn't need to pee when I got home. So very un-Vancouver.

babble on said...

Canadian heart and soul: real mukluks don't have rubber soles. They are leather through and through.

R Luis said...

Just spent a week in New York before Amtrak-ing home.
Coppers stopped me when I was 'taking the lane' and asked me for ID.
I politely asked why / took off my glasses and hat, he saw my old eyes and white vertical hair.
He said, excuse me sir, I thought you were a kid blocking traffic intentionally.
I guess it pays to look like - David Byrne!

wishiwasmerckx said...

So any guesses as to what my hipster daughter ended up getting me for Father's day?

That's right, bitches. A selfie stick!

Dave said...

That's right - heartlessly tease us with the braid drip dripping on the hot thigh, while we're cowering here indoors, while the endless rain and lightning goes on.

the2002saga said...

That is one obscure literary reference. Had to use the popular search engine for that one.

Anonymous said...

When emmigrating to the Netherlands, just make sure you don't try to get there via boat, okay? – The Frontex people are, among other things, a bit hydrophobic!

babble on said...

Lol!! That's right. HeartlessRus here in North America's not-so-much-rain capital. It's that jet stream, gone all transverse on us, making Texas a place that gets snow every winter, and BC a desert in the making. Get used to it, peeps. And come visit Vancouver for our very own BikeSnob-NYC(is-invited-though-he-probably-won't-go)Fondon't. Details to be released in a week or so. Ish.

Dooth said...

Imagine New York being as bike centric as Utrecht...ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! So this is what laughing-to-keep-from-crying feels like.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't it a Dutchie that stuck his finger in a dyke and became a hero?

Anonymous Also said...

Here, he would have been arrested.

JLRB said...

Dave - I just looked out the window and realized I am going to ride through yet another storm on the way home. Yay

bad boy of the north said...

whatsamatta with new Utrecht in Brooklyn?

babble on said...

JLRB -Um, but at least it's a warm wet?

Everybody loves a warm wet... amIright, or amIright?

babble on said...

Lob knows I love a warm wet. Better yet is when it gets hot.... mmmmm hot 'n' wet.... mmmm.... that's when the real lightning strikes.

You know I'm right.

Anonymous said...

yeah, that's great.

Everbody said...

Isn't it Marlin Perkins the traveler and insurance salesman?
I always pass the Dutchie on the left hand side.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tokin Rider said...

Road racing etiquette whilst in Holland,
Rule #1: Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side.

Roille Figners said...

Oh Babs, quit bein so HYOTTAAHH!

Anonymous said...

meh.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Probably the only reason I'd ever venture east towards the coast would be to do the fondon't. Looking around the area for other activities I'd situate myself in a camping ground on or near Sandy Hook. Lots of historical things there and Gunnison Beach. I like to lounge around in the sun while I'm vacationing and no selfie sticks on Gunnison. Snobbie maybe you should hold the fondon't a little later in the season when the water warms up a bit.

Doc Sarvis said...

If you showed it to 999 Canadians they couldn't recognize it. People everywhere such at geography. ..

Anonymous said...

Babble On: you are correct.

All wet in NH.

dcee604 said...

HAPPY CANADA DAY! Hope all you Americans are celebrating by eating some poutine.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to all those living north of the NSA line.

Anonymous said...

Who gives a damn about the Tour de France ?
Well... all those who get stuck in traffic jams wondering why on earth on this remote road suddenly trafic is blocked... oh crap, it's them.
I'm traveling south of France in a few days, and I have to plan the route if I don't want to be stuck. Feels like walking in a minefield.

I wonder if anyone ever bothered figuring out the CO2 footprint of these buffoons, btw.

Anonymous said...

Scranulated coffee beans!

McFly said...

Better put Laura Bassett on suicide watch for 3-6 months.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Dcee604,

You misspelled poontang.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of which, MIT has a dorm called Tang Hall:

http://tang.mit.edu/

My friend who lived there in the 1980's and his room mates had no idea, Just as well.

Hugh Jaynus said...

Well, kiddies, it's another day in the mid-Atlantic and guess what? It's raining...and epic, monster, killer t-storms are predicted for the next 97 days in a row. We are like the toddler that pisses a river after taking a single sip of apple juice. SoCal is like an 82 year old with a UTI who ruptures his spleen while trying to squeeze a single drop out of his shriveled up schwantz. Oh well...I suppose The Government would say: "See? On average, we're perfect!"

Anonymous said...

If only Dirty Harry rode a bike, and had one of those backpacks, he could pull his 44 out of it and blaze away at cab and bus drivers.

JLRB said...

Does an "own goal" involve a selfie-stick?

And yes Babs, warm wet good, hot wet better. Hopefully the drought hasn't affected that sort of wet.

Deadly Fredly said...

Fuck you, you smug Netherlanders and your bike paradise. Damn you and your protected bike lanes and your bike centric cityscapes. 'Merica!

Bert W said...

If the roads in Southold are so overrun with cyclists, maybe it's time to consider closing the roads off to motor vehicles during peak cycling hours.

dop said...

Drink Canada Dry. Visit Vancouver.

Me Myselfie and I said...

93

Supertramp said...

it's raining again

Somewhere under the rainblow said...

A study in Nude Amnesty

69 said...

pointless comment no 96

Van Halen said...

drop dead legs

ZZ Top said...

fool for your stockings

Maxwell Smart said...

99

JLRB said...

DOP is probably acros the line already

if not woo hoo hoo

Andy Benoit, SI Hack said...

"The perfect cycling bag". No thanks. I already have an old lady.

Don Draper said...

"Wheel mad"? Jeezus. That's pure drivel! How about "If you ain't Dutch, then you ain't much"? Your welcome. I'll be at the bar...

Dan HS said...

I live next to Southold, the bicycling events that draw hundreds of riders are hell. We have a lot of traffic in the summer and fall because so many people come from the rest of Long Island and the city, and most of the roads are one lane, narrow shoulders, and dotted with farm stands and wineries. All the citiots driving like maniacs, and slamming on their brakes in the middle of the road to take pictures of a tractor or a cow, are already a pain, but they are the ones spending tons of money out here so we put up with it. But then add 500 people on bicycles who behave as if these busy roads were just a giant bike path with no car traffic, it's just a nightmare. They refuse to share the road, which they could do just fine if they were riding single file down the side of the road. No, they have to ride 4 abreast and block an entire lane that is packed with cars.

It would really be fine if these people just rode single file, but for some reason a lot of cyclists on LI have this absurd idea that they completely own the roads and that car traffic just has to crawl behind them for miles, because god forbid they should be forced to ride single file along the shoulder or use the bike lanes.

Geebo Harris said...

Here's a crazy idea Dan: close the roads during biking events. Then it won't be a problem for the cars because they won't be on the roads.

dop said...

Friday's child can sit on my face

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobbie,

You have to check this kickstarter, it's just too good not to share:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/543765339/bikeseatboost

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