Sorry I'm late, my Apple Watch doesn't exist.

Firstly, please join me in congratulating Stanley Wiggins, who has succeeded in breaking the hour record:

(Stanley Wiggins, no relation to Bradley.)

Most likely the last time you paid attention to the hour record was when Jens Voigt set it:

Voigt's hour ride was the powdered sugar on the strudel of a phenomenally successful career that taught the cycling world the formula for wanton doping, which is as follows:

1) Ride like an animal;

2) Never win anything;

3) Spew endearingly inane Schwarzenegger-esque quotes whenever anyone puts a microphone in your face.

Do that and you'll go down in history as a selfless teammate and not a chemically enhanced freak who was more drugs than man.

Of course, if you lack the German accent, you can always modify Step 3 by spewing your inanity in laconic surfer-speak instead:

("Like, duuude.  I like to read comic books and this one time I had a mustache and I also sell ball cream.")

Or, if you lack even the semblance of wit, you can ignore Step 3 altogether provided you're, well, "intellectually uncomplicated" enough that people are willing to forgive you for just about anything:

(Hincapie ponders the eternal quandary: Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?)

It's like when you come home and the dog has been in the trash.  How mad can you really get?  And what's the point of scolding him for something he doesn't even remember doing anymore much less understand?

(Hey, those cartoons still hold up.)

Anyway, since Voigt's hour the record has subsequently changed hands like fourteen times, which you probably didn't realize because the cycling hour record is one of the most underwhelming accomplishments in all of sports.  This isn't because it's easy--it most certainly isn't.  No, it's merely because there's nothing particularly "sexy" about who can ride the furthest distance in an hour, because very few people have a context for it.  Consider for example that the current world record for running a mile is three minutes and 43.13 seconds.  Any idiot knows that's incredibly fast, because the average schlub can't even walk from the car to the Walmart in that time.  Meanwhile, Wiggins rode 54.526 kilometers in an hour, which is nearly 34 miles, and which means...what, exactly?  Sure, you couldn't get anywhere near it and neither could I, but at the same time riding 34 miles doesn't sound very exciting, so even many cyclists don't have a great sense of how impressive that is.

Then on top of that they keep changing the rules governing what kind of bike you can use.  For example, owing to these kinds of rule changes various hour records have subsequently been downgraded to "best human effort," which sounds like the sort of encouraging comment George Hincapie's teachers might have written on his tests in school:

Then you've got Wiggins's own descriptions, which are fairly off-putting:

“That’s the closest I will come to knowing what it’s like to have a baby,” although afterwards he would not be drawn on what his wife, Cath, had to say.

Oh, I wouldn't tempt fate like that, Stanley.  You rode a bike really fast for an hour, which I'm sure was extremely painful.  However, I could think of plenty of things well within the realm of possibility that could bring you much closer to the orifice-tearing sensation of childbirth--unless what you're trying to tell us is that, like many mothers, you used drugs to help you through the process, in which case you'd be well advised quiet about it.

Also:

“It’s torturous, unforgiving, such a niggling pace,” said Wiggins...

So like watching a three-week stage race, basically.

Nevertheless, all kidding aside, I send my heartfelt--and arse-felt--congratulations to Sir Stanley Wiggins:

(Via here.)

May you never truly experience the sensation of childbirth...or of watching a three-week stage race, since I'm fairly sure it's more difficult for us than for the riders.

(Thrilling.)

Meanwhile, here in Canada's unfinished basement, at least a couple of readers have informed me that Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin is doing his best to un-bike "America's Dairyland:"

As Governor Walker prepares for a likely run for the White House, he’s been traveling the country touting his record of slashing taxes on corporations and the wealthy, saying he has “put more money back in the hands of the hardworking taxpayers.”

Yet Governor Walker and his allies in the Madison statehouse have found one corporate sector where they’re willing to raise taxes: bicycles. Though they have been hesitant to consider boosting taxes on gasoline or vehicle registration fees, state lawmakers have been pushing a $25 tax on the sale of all new bicycles in the state, on top of the existing sales tax.

Hey, don't whine about it you cheapskates.  It's not like lowering taxes on the wealthy is going to pay for itself.  You need to do your part too!

Oh, I know what you're saying.  You're saying, "$25 per bike couldn't possibly offset the tax revenue generated by corporations and rich people," and of course you're right--which is why he also wants to stop investing in bicycle infrastructure:

In addition to floating the new bike tax, the budget currently under consideration would repeal the state’s “Complete Streets” law. The policy, which mandates that all new road construction and repairs take cyclists and pedestrians into consideration, makes up only about $190,000, or six-one-thousandths of one percent of the total transportation budget, according to the non-partisan Legislative Fiscal Bureau. They are also considering gutting millions of dollars from two additional bike infrastructure efforts: the Knowles-Nelson Stewardship Fund, which provides matching grants for creating and maintaining trails, and Transportation Alternatives, which funds the creation of routes for children to safely bike to school, among other initiatives.

This is a shame because, because based on my own travel experience Madison is probably the most bike-friendly city in America:

Madison one of the highest rates of bicycle commuting in the country, with more than 5 percent of the city riding to work. This has only grown as the city has created safer infrastructure, such as wide, separated paths that run alongside the lake and the railroad tracks, stretching as far as the eye can see in both directions. These trails are so popular that the city has to plow snow off of them in the winter because people use them year-round. Many of the tens of thousands of students at the flagship University of Wisconsin-Madison use two wheels to get around campus and town.

Plus, even though I live in New York, as the proud owner of a bicycle from Milwaukee I can't help feeling as though I'm also being targeted:

If Governor Walker wants his $25 bucks I'll be pleased to send it in singles that have been stewing in my chamois for the duration of the next BSNYC Gran Fondon't.

Lastly, the Daily News has an "exclusive" review of the new Citi Bike "Serottas:"

Although the bikes are roughly the same size as the old ones, Serrota said some riders have told him they “feel faster.”

The Daily News took the new bikes for a spin, and found the ride smoother, and the gear system easier to switch.

Misspelling of "Serotta" aside, this is quite a difference in tone from two years ago when Simone Weichselbaum, a.k.a. "Bike Snob Daily News" panned the fleet:

It's almost like the city is finally coming to terms with bike share.