Monday, June 8, 2015

Sorry I'm late, my Apple Watch doesn't exist.

Firstly, please join me in congratulating Stanley Wiggins, who has succeeded in breaking the hour record:



Most likely the last time you paid attention to the hour record was when Jens Voigt set it:


Voigt's hour ride was the powdered sugar on the strudel of a phenomenally successful career that taught the cycling world the formula for wanton doping, which is as follows:

1) Ride like an animal;
2) Never win anything;

Do that and you'll go down in history as a selfless teammate and not a chemically enhanced freak who was more drugs than man.

Of course, if you lack the German accent, you can always modify Step 3 by spewing your inanity in laconic surfer-speak instead:



Or, if you lack even the semblance of wit, you can ignore Step 3 altogether provided you're, well, "intellectually uncomplicated" enough that people are willing to forgive you for just about anything:


(Hincapie ponders the eternal quandary: Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?)

It's like when you come home and the dog has been in the trash.  How mad can you really get?  And what's the point of scolding him for something he doesn't even remember doing anymore much less understand?



Anyway, since Voigt's hour the record has subsequently changed hands like fourteen times, which you probably didn't realize because the cycling hour record is one of the most underwhelming accomplishments in all of sports.  This isn't because it's easy--it most certainly isn't.  No, it's merely because there's nothing particularly "sexy" about who can ride the furthest distance in an hour, because very few people have a context for it.  Consider for example that the current world record for running a mile is three minutes and 43.13 seconds.  Any idiot knows that's incredibly fast, because the average schlub can't even walk from the car to the Walmart in that time.  Meanwhile, Wiggins rode 54.526 kilometers in an hour, which is nearly 34 miles, and which means...what, exactly?  Sure, you couldn't get anywhere near it and neither could I, but at the same time riding 34 miles doesn't sound very exciting, so even many cyclists don't have a great sense of how impressive that is.

Then on top of that they keep changing the rules governing what kind of bike you can use.  For example, owing to these kinds of rule changes various hour records have subsequently been downgraded to "best human effort," which sounds like the sort of encouraging comment George Hincapie's teachers might have written on his tests in school:




“That’s the closest I will come to knowing what it’s like to have a baby,” although afterwards he would not be drawn on what his wife, Cath, had to say.

Oh, I wouldn't tempt fate like that, Stanley.  You rode a bike really fast for an hour, which I'm sure was extremely painful.  However, I could think of plenty of things well within the realm of possibility that could bring you much closer to the orifice-tearing sensation of childbirth--unless what you're trying to tell us is that, like many mothers, you used drugs to help you through the process, in which case you'd be well advised quiet about it.

Also:

“It’s torturous, unforgiving, such a niggling pace,” said Wiggins...

So like watching a three-week stage race, basically.

Nevertheless, all kidding aside, I send my heartfelt--and arse-felt--congratulations to Sir Stanley Wiggins:



May you never truly experience the sensation of childbirth...or of watching a three-week stage race, since I'm fairly sure it's more difficult for us than for the riders.


(Thrilling.)

Meanwhile, here in Canada's unfinished basement, at least a couple of readers have informed me that Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin is doing his best to un-bike "America's Dairyland:"



As Governor Walker prepares for a likely run for the White House, he’s been traveling the country touting his record of slashing taxes on corporations and the wealthy, saying he has “put more money back in the hands of the hardworking taxpayers.”

Yet Governor Walker and his allies in the Madison statehouse have found one corporate sector where they’re willing to raise taxes: bicycles. Though they have been hesitant to consider boosting taxes on gasoline or vehicle registration fees, state lawmakers have been pushing a $25 tax on the sale of all new bicycles in the state, on top of the existing sales tax.

Hey, don't whine about it you cheapskates.  It's not like lowering taxes on the wealthy is going to pay for itself.  You need to do your part too!

Oh, I know what you're saying.  You're saying, "$25 per bike couldn't possibly offset the tax revenue generated by corporations and rich people," and of course you're right--which is why he also wants to stop investing in bicycle infrastructure:

In addition to floating the new bike tax, the budget currently under consideration would repeal the state’s “Complete Streets” law. The policy, which mandates that all new road construction and repairs take cyclists and pedestrians into consideration, makes up only about $190,000, or six-one-thousandths of one percent of the total transportation budget, according to the non-partisan Legislative Fiscal Bureau. They are also considering gutting millions of dollars from two additional bike infrastructure efforts: the Knowles-Nelson Stewardship Fund, which provides matching grants for creating and maintaining trails, and Transportation Alternatives, which funds the creation of routes for children to safely bike to school, among other initiatives.

This is a shame because, because based on my own travel experience Madison is probably the most bike-friendly city in America:

Madison one of the highest rates of bicycle commuting in the country, with more than 5 percent of the city riding to work. This has only grown as the city has created safer infrastructure, such as wide, separated paths that run alongside the lake and the railroad tracks, stretching as far as the eye can see in both directions. These trails are so popular that the city has to plow snow off of them in the winter because people use them year-round. Many of the tens of thousands of students at the flagship University of Wisconsin-Madison use two wheels to get around campus and town.

Plus, even though I live in New York, as the proud owner of a bicycle from Milwaukee I can't help feeling as though I'm also being targeted:


If Governor Walker wants his $25 bucks I'll be pleased to send it in singles that have been stewing in my chamois for the duration of the next BSNYC Gran Fondon't.

Lastly, the Daily News has an "exclusive" review of the new Citi Bike "Serottas:"


Although the bikes are roughly the same size as the old ones, Serrota said some riders have told him they “feel faster.”

The Daily News took the new bikes for a spin, and found the ride smoother, and the gear system easier to switch.

Misspelling of "Serotta" aside, this is quite a difference in tone from two years ago when Simone Weichselbaum, a.k.a. "Bike Snob Daily News" panned the fleet:


It's almost like the city is finally coming to terms with bike share.

66 comments:

dnk said...

holy fuckballs!

Spokey said...

yeller again!

Spokey said...

damn you dnk. damn to the 7th level of hell

Anonymous said...

tops tenz

Ted K. said...

23. We emphasize that the foregoing does not pretend to be an accurate description of everyone who might be considered a leftist. It is only a rough indication of a general tendency of leftism.

Flyover BC said...

top ten

ken e. said...

something something... apple sucks.

dnk said...

Sorry Spokey. Actually, it's not bad down here in the 7th level of hell. Please come join me for a refreshing iced tea. Um, for some piping hot tea....

Synonymous said...

Boogers

Ted K said...

47. The Problem Of Society Or Whatnot

Thus we find that when we must takens-we the look at the Lefty, his leftish leftism is more a ruse designed to conceal his infererorrieerity complex. He probably lives in a shitty shack sending mail bombs, or would, if he were smart like we are. But we know differently oh yes don't we, oh yes we do. Let us further pursue our carefulll inquiry by first strictly circumscribing a few made-up straw-men that we shall then use. Now mind you, perish the thought, we don't mean to say that the leftoid cannot be in some other way besides that which we have heretofore upon-enquired, but rather, that the complexities of said (actually unsaid) inquiry are for all practical purposes, practically impractical, or nearly so, for purposes of practicality, for our discussion.

Ted K said...

48. First I Didn't Get A Wife

My profound distaste for "industrial society" which includes "giving a shit in the first place" and also the illusion of "making a difference" and/or "redeeming humanity" if you will, started with a bad case of Small Details Exaggeration Syndrome, brought about ultimately by my own characteristic Baby Boomer narcissism and megalomania. By this we intend to mean that a world already created and fully formed when I was born, somehow upon said birth suddenly needed my intervention to get back on the "right" course. We can instantly see this as folly, and that a true nihilist or even a benign anarchist would have more pressing things to do, such as make a ton of money or even have sex once or twice in his life.

Anonymous said...

Just back from an epic ride!

cycle

McFly said...

Dang that Simone and her Piece Sign.

Dooth said...

I'm sick of having lefty leftovers for lunch.

Ted K said...

49. Now then. With these mere 48 paragraphs of introductory material all wrapped up nice and neat, we are ready to begin our essay proper.

Grump said...

Walker has to come up with money to fund a new stadium for the Milwaukee Bucks.

leroy said...

My dog and I agree that perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing that we missed the post-Gran Fondon't beer fest if it involved placing singles in the ride leader's bib shorts.

My dog says he'd have been embarrassed when I asked for change.

balls™ said...

Any way you can kick a hippie, in reality or perceived reality (no difference to them) gives those people a big boner.

IOC_gansta said...

Ugh. Being "olympic" anything isn't quite a badge of honor, well, anything.

Current IAAF boss (track and field) Diack, multiple bribery scandals, never tested positive scandals, doesn't test athletes anyway.
Former FIFA boss and current permanently appointed voting Board member of WADA, Blatter.
And what about the last federation president that suggested the IOC clean up their act? (vizer, judo boss) He was forced to resign from an IOC group a couple of weeks ago for daring to publicly suggest the IOC lacks transparency.

Okay, maybe if you WANT to be associated with doping and corruption, then maybe it's a good idea. Thug life Lausanne or something.

PotbellyJoe said...

As a fiscal conservative, I am growing very disenfranchised with all political parties. They're too expensive to bribe.

DB said...

Leroy: COD
I read that a dog walker traded a dog for drugs in Manhattan.

DB said...

Well done today, Snob.
I would have thought you'd gather the brave Fondon't grupetto and went off in search of the two convicts that escaped from the Max security prison.
That $100.000 reward will put Lil Snob through SUNY Albany in 18 years.

DB said...

Around these parts we hope Scott Walker wins the presidency so he'll move the fuck out of Wisconsin and it can return to the normal People's Republic it once was.

Comment deleted said...

Yeah, but are the SerrotyBikes faster at any speed?

Anonymous said...

Followed link to Zabriski and there was this interesting nugget:
In 2008, David created DZNUTS, a premium chamois cream for bicycle saddle comfort. The company offers apparel as well as formulas for both men and women.

PotbellyJoe said...

If you're looking to score that $100k reward, I'd head to Santa Monica. I hear that's a great place to hang out in public for a decade when you're on America's Most Wanted.

P. Bateman said...



I exploded sooooooo big...

by the way, is the comment box now down at the bottom for everyone, or did i accidentally hit some ctrl command shortcut that i'm not aware of?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

My hour record is a bit over 16 mph. I guess, compared to Wiggins 34 , I am half assed.

BSDN/BDSM said...

I salute you with the sideways va-JJ.

il Pirata est Mort said...

I guess Trek was a little late kicking into the Governor's coffers.

Anonymous said...

I thought Mr. Walker was an employee of Koch Industries?

PotbellyJoe said...

Ladies and gentlemen, the TRUE definition of Irony... When a Walker repeals a law requiring pedestrian infrastructure.

DB said...

Hey, il Pirata:
In case you missed it, Mary Burke of Trek Bicycles ran against Walker in the last election.
Foregone conclusion that bike paths are a done deal.

commie said...

I'm not just Canada's Prince of the Cobbles. I also held a UCI hour record in 2009, but under the category most flatulence in an hour while in a velodrome. It was revoked in 2012 when the Taco Bell receipts were uncovered by the European press.I regret nothing and continue to eat burritos to this day.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Cham Wow !

Staring at blue sky wondering where all the thunda storms "they" said were coming.

vsk

Anonymous said...

Ted K, you must have a very full and interesting life.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I will no longer complain about my Governor, Pat McCrory, again.

Anonymous said...

What's the Hour Record with Simone? An hour?

Wrench Monkey said...

Sir, I knew Ted K. Ted K. was a friend of mine. You are NOT Ted K.

leroy said...

My dog informs me that doping will soon be legal in Brooklyn.

The More it Changes, the More... said...

"It's not like lowering taxes on the wealthy is going to pay for itself."

Now, now, now. We all know that tax cuts for the wealthy pay for themselves through increased economic activity. Dubya the Clown said so. And the proof is in the GOP Pudding. Just look at the annual deficit in the years following Ronnie the Ray Gun and Dayuba's gigantic tax cuts for the wealthy, nothing but black ink. Oops, actually nothing but barrels full of red ink. But the Dem's get their due too. Barry the Poser has been in office six years, 140 days, and nothing has been done to eliminate the "Carried Interest" provision from the IRS Tax Code that allows the uber wealthy to pay taxes at half the rate of the middle class.

Thurston Howell III said...

Tax cuts for the wealthy have enabled me to add to my collection of vintage ascots.

Anonymous said...

Are you referring to Ted K. - the script, Ted K - the commenter deriding the script, or kaczynski - the murderous mathematician?

PotbellyJoe said...

The Murderous Mathematicians had a great sound, but their Tesla cover/rewrite, "Sines" was a little obtuse.

Not That You Asked said...

And did you know there have been more than one murderous mathematician in history?

André Bloch

Richard K. Overton

fraud said...

Good thing elite international cycling is so much better than it was under McQuaid and Verbruggen.

McQuaid invited/attended Wiggo's hour record. Who is that with McQuaid? Johan Brunyeel of course. Good thing Wiggo has always been clean.

McQuaid and Johann.

Bryan said...

Checking in from the Santa Barbara oil spill....glad this place hasn't totally gone to shit while I have been absent.

Anonymous said...

Scott Walker is a under educated low life panderer, and is engaging in a lot of extreme gun-nut/boots-on-the ground/anti-immigration/anti-abortion/anti-bike rhetoric to appeal to extremist primary voters

His totally insincere intro to the Wisconsin Bike guide would probably hurt him more than his phony tough-guy posturing:
As Governor, it’s my pleasure to invite you to explore
our outstanding natural resources, charming towns
and exciting cities on two wheels. Wisconsin is a
leader in bicycling, offering a world class combination
of linear and mountain bike trails and lightly-traveled
rural paved roads. In fact, Wisconsin is home to the
nation’s first rails to trails program, which has now
converted 80 former rail beds into recreational trails
that crisscross the state.
From picturesque rolling country hills in
southwestern Wisconsin to the premier CAMBA
mountain biking trails in northern Wisconsin to
exceptional touring trails in every corner of the state,
Wisconsin offers an outstanding ride for all levels of
biking enthusiasts. It’s a great way to explore our
natural beauty and rich heritage, and no matter where
you are, there are plenty of friendly people ready to
welcome you.
Use this guide as your starting point to plan your
next biking adventure in Wisconsin. We look forward to welcoming you.
Sincerely (hahahaha) Scott Walker Governor.

Spokey said...

all that's well and good. anyone can promote and lightly-traveled
rural paved roads
.

i want to know what you do for more congested public roads and highways. as far as i'm concerned, if you don't have sidewalks for pedestrians and bike lanes / decent shoulders for cyclists, the speed limit should be 25 (merican units or speedz) or less. oh, and vehicles caught parking in bike lanes (including my local police) should be towed asap.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Absolutely true random factoid:

My administrative assistant actually dated Scott Walker when they were undergrads at Marquette.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I can say unironically that:

DzNuts rule!

Ted K has it right. said...

Anon 5:57-Walker is just what Wisconsin deserves. Maybe next election they'll fucking think about the entire working community, instead of the government/union employee. Your rebuttal is welcome, and then, go fuck yourself. Oh, by the way, vote Libertarian.

McFly said...

If the hour record with Simone is indeed an hour then I am pretty confident I could shave 57 minutes off of it.

Spokey said...

McFly

COD

No Brainer said...

It's not the murderous mathematicians that you need to worry about, it's the evil dictator mathematicians who like to divide and conquer.

Top said...

Good one Commie 2:48.

tubasti said...

Governor Walker is trying to lock up the 72 year-old grouch vote. "Get offa my lawn, you kids!"

The King of Park Slope said...

Voting Republican is sooooo 2004.

Endless Summer said...

My idea of hell would be forced to do addition problems for all eternity.

WI roadie said...

Snobbie thanks for pointing out the recent activities of Scott Walker in your blog. The comment section is waning so this post may not be read by many but here goes...
As a Wisconsin resident and bike rider the tale in entirety is much worse.
The lightly-traveled rural paved roads have had their funding cut at the beginning of his first term in office. After five years or so they are really beginning to show it. All of the road related budget has gone to Milwaukee to fund large freeway type projects with questionable mutual back scratching as contracts go to donors of his first campaign.
The cuts in funding for more bike infrastructure are bad enough but the $25 proposed tax will not directly be allocated to biking related expenditures in any way.
Walker says he supports the small businessman and estimates are that $1.5 billion dollars are added to the Wisconsin economy through bicycling related businesses.
Walkers actions show that Wisconsin is not "open for business" but rather up for sale to the highest donor. Moreover, he feels he is untouchable and ready to play dirty politics and run for the presidency at the same time.

Anonymous said...

This moron has the solution for evaporating bike infrastructure; Ride on the sidewalk!

Sorry, Liberals...

benDE said...

WI roadie,

Rest assured, other than that one senator of Scottish descent, Wisconsin politicians have rarely fared well on the national stage. He will be given back to harm only you within the next 18 months.

gsport george said...

Good effort on the anti-cycling hysteria America, but once again the Ausies have you beat:- http://www.bikebiz.com/news/read/anti-cycling-oz-roads-minister-to-rip-out-protected-cycleway-in-sydney/017939

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Oh crap, it's tomorrow already!

vsk

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Dalton said...

It's way late too point this out, but didn't the daughter of Trek's founder recently run for high office in WI? For guvner mayhaps? The bike tax seems funny,

Re the comment about dating Walker at Marquette... the good citizens of Wi should know better that to vote for anybody (this includes that douchefuk Ryan) you who did not attend UW madison, or leave the state for lower ground.