Monday, July 23, 2012

Chapeau! And the Eating of Same

Obviously the big story in cycling this past weekend was that Stanley Wiggins won the Tour de France:


(Congratulations Stan!)

The image of the headline above was forwarded to me by a reader, and while its tempting to attribute it to the systematic marginalization of cycling by the American media, the truth is that it's nothing quite so insidious.  No, all it really means is that the people at Yahoo are morons, which they confirmed when they also ran the following article that I stumbled upon this morning:


So what's number two on Yahoo's list of the best "hipster jobs?"  Why, it's becoming a paralegal, of course:


(Paralegal is the Stanley Wiggins of hipster careers.)

Presumably paralegal just edged out dental hygienist, which the crack editorial team at Yahoo must have decided wasn't quite trendy enough.

In any case, between Stanley Wiggins winning the Tour de France and his countryman Mike Cavendish taking the final stage on the Champs-Élysées, it's clear that Great Britain is now basking in a golden age of cycling.  In fact, there are those who have even speculated that the UK will now experience a cycling boom similar to the "Lance Amrstrong effect" we saw over here in Canada's noseless saddle during his seven-year winning streak.  (Though if they do I'd hate to spoil it for them but things go a little bit pear-shaped afterwards.)  At the very least, Wiggins has certainly proven the naysayers wrong, since before the Tour started stupid Internet pundits who know nothing about cycling were writing stuff like this:

The hopes of an entire nation rest on those sideburns, and it will be sad to watch those hopes slowly sink like a bunch of kittens adrift on a pond in a boat made from construction paper.  Of course, if he does win, I'll gladly travel to the UK and publicly eat my hat, but only because that's still vastly preferable to partaking in British cuisine.

Of course, that stupid Internet pundit was me.  Fortunately though I always wear underpants for a hat, and thus plan to exploit a loophole by wearing these:

Now all I need is for someone to send me a first-class ticket to Heathrow and I'll gladly make good on my promise, though I might have a hard time clearing customs with a pair of meat briefs on my head.

Needless to say, I was also wrong when I tipped Dmitriy Fofonov as the overall winner, though he did finish solidly in 63rd place:


And well ahead of his closest rival in the coveted surname-that-sounds-like-wanking competition:

Incidentally, the Tour de France organization may revise the leader's jersey for that competition, since the subtle wadded-up tissue graphic makes it difficult to distinguish from the maillot blanc for the best young rider.

And as for speculation that there is still some residual resentment between Wiggins and his teammate Chris Froome, this photo which was forwarded to me by a reader should put that to rest once and for all:


("Hey guys, get a (F)room(e).")



Well, after three years of occasional use (of the shorts, not my crotch) I emerged from the briny deep this past weekend only to find that a portal had developed dangerously close to my "pants yabbies:"


Shortly after noticing this I became aware of the sound of women laughing:


At first I worried that I might have inadvertently exposed myself to them (no, I was not wearing underpants, jerky or otherwise), but after examining the shorts closer I was satisfied that I had not and that the women were in fact just laughing at my general appearance.  By the way, as you may be aware, Outlier is a clothing company geared towards trendy urbanites who lead active lifesyles:


(The last sound this young man heard before falling to his death was a tearing sound from the crotch of his $175 shorts.)

Now, I don't consider myself a trendy urbanite.  Then again, let's not forget that according to Yahoo this guy is a hipster, so perhaps I should re-evaluate myself:

I also don't consider myself especially active.  I mean, sure, I ride a bike, but so does a Dutch grandmother.  Plus, if I'm riding with any sort of urgency I'm generally doing it while wearing special stretchy pants like any self-deluding Fred.  Otherwise I'm just sort of putzing around, as I was on the day that these shorts developed an unexpected peephole.   And yes, three years is a pretty long time, but I also didn't wear the shorts that often, so I'm not sure what this says about the cost-effectiveness of buying fancy shorts--though one reasonable conclusion would be that I should just bring them down the street to the dry cleaner, have the seam fixed for $5, and shut up about it already.

Also, in fairness to Outlier, the pants they sent me are still intact--though I have no idea how the pair I gave to my former intern, Spencer, are holding up, since after scoring a $200 pair of pants and a Walmart fixie he pretty much disappeared.

Anyway, undaunted by my brush with indecent exposure, I returned to the beach the next day with my family in tow and carried all our supplies including chairs and umbrellas by means of a Big Dummy:



We received many comments from bemused onlookers along the way, which annoyed me since we've never received any comments for hauling lots of crap to the beach in a car.  Then again, I've also never felt compelled to post a picture of a carload of crap on the Internet, whereas here I am simultaneously posting a picture of my bike just because it has some stuff strapped to it and then complaining that people noticed it.  Such is the paradoxical nature of smugness.

Also, my "pants yabbies" were showing the whole time, so that could have been the source of at least some of the pointing and laughing.

Speaking of pointing and laughing, another reader forwarded me the following image:


Evidently, it comes from a site called "TriathlonHumor.com," which seems superfluous since all triathlon is inherently humorous.  Consider this video:



I'm sure you'll agree that bike looks fast even standing still--as it will most of the time on the roof of your luxury automobile:


Sure you may suck, but at least all that wind tunnel testing translates directly to fuel cost savings, and you'll amortize the cost of the bike after only 17 years of driving to "training rides."

Of course, the real point of the video is to demonstrate yet another hydration system:


Judging from the sheer number of these drinking contraptions, it would appear that the drive to invent a hydration system that actually allows a triathlete to imbibe without crashing is as compelling as the quest for the perpetual motion machine--and it's no less quixotic.  As for this particular attempt, I'm still not sure how it works, though it seems to collect and save the riders' urine for future consumption:


Between the time saved drinking and the time saved relieving yourself, you're sure to reach your "personal best."

Lastly, when it comes to people who have trouble doing two things at once, Friday's quiz included this video of a cyclist receiving an unjustified ticket, and I'd be amazed if the officer in it could actually talk and scratch his "pants yabbies" at the same time:



A number of viewers have also commented on his resemblance to Sloth from the cinema classic "The Goonies:"


I'm not going to comment on that.  I'm simply going to "put it out there"--kind of like a pair of shorts with a hole in the crotch.

93 comments:

Anonymous said...

1st for HUGGY!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

cipo makes wiggo look flaccid.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment

Anonymous said...

Poooooodium

Kenny said...

FAT CAV!

Wiggo said...

Wiggo!

JB said...

Cheers!

Paul Bowen said...

Wiggins! Hell yeah! (As I believe you say in America.)

Anonymous said...

8 after the tour. Not bad.

cycle

Anonymous said...

top ten tdf results page

Cipo said...

FlexLine hydration babe.

I did her.

Twice!

They ARE REAL ...

And they are quite speCUNTular!

Thorns said...

Wiggo & Froome: Osymetric!

Some jerk from the Eastbay said...

Actually, back in the day, I dated a paralegal that ws pretty damn hip. When when she told the Financial District yabos that would fequently hit on her she did for a living, they were always skeptical and then claim that they, themselves were bike messengers or something similarly "edgy."

Also, sweep, suckit Yankees, le's go A's!

Anonymous said...

pUNK ALEAWYS BE PUNK

streepo said...

scarnus.
you cunts.

Anonymous said...

Baby...ruth?

Anonymous said...

Panties!

JB said...

Strap some pontoons to the Smugness Flotilla, install some bladed spokes twisted 90 degrees, cruise into the water, off you go! Now that would be a flotilla!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

did anyone confirm if Stan(ley) Wiggins scream 'CUNTS!' on the podium?

TriSexual said...

Tri T-shirt over jersey or t-shirt with armwarmers?

Anonymous said...

Paralegals are the schmucks who do all the work so somebody else can get paid. They're the Chris Froomes of the legal world. Go hipsters!

Anonymous said...

Quixotic!

Nice.

Remember, it's pronounced key,HO,tek, smartypantses.

Anonymous said...

Slim Jims make good thongs (the butt floss kind), and they bear no resemblance to food, so if you eat a couple of those, I think that counts.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not going to comment on that. I'm simply going to "put it out there"--kind of like a pair of shorts with a hole in the crotch."

You mean you're "just sayin'"

Anonymous said...

You could always eat in Heathrow, Florida: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heathrow,_Florida

Belgian Meat Helment Salesman said...

Just avoid the hot and spicy ones if you'll be wearing it for a long period.

Donkey Oaty said...

Nuh-uh. It's pronounced, "Kwik-soh-tik."
Stop tilting at windmills like a cunt.

crosspalms said...

Chief Wiggum won what?

singlespeedwaster said...

Trailing in the peloton, but I'm a sprinter and this was clearly a mountain stage

Buffalo Bill said...

That cooler is totally aero, not quite as aero as the tri-catheter thing, but still.

television_writer said...

We pre-Internet bike messengers were a cursed lot in my city.

Didn't have cars for the most part, and that was a HUGE curse as it was an article of faith that since we were all older than 18 one owns a car. Not owning a car was plain weird at the time.

We could barely afford the food/rent much less dating the law office hotties. Good tail that never ended well.

Too bad that scene never made it to production on American Flyers. It was a different movie by then anyway.

wishiwasmerckx said...

So Froome is second at 3:21 back; time presumably lost exclusively in the time trials. Untethered from team obligations, could Froome take 3:22 out of Wiggins in the high mountains, thereby winning the yellow jersey?

Discuss.

tejay van den hampsten said...

now on to NBC's epic coverage of the Olympics, where tejay van den broek will go for silver to the breathless excitement of (insert generic NBC commentator with only a nodding aquaintance with cycling here).

me, i'm off to the UK to go boozing with stanley wiggins

wishiwasmerckx said...

IMHO, paralegal is a poor career choice for the hipster, as it requires showing up to work on time and sober and actually performing intellectual work, as opposed to preparing soy lattes or folding sweaters at the Gap...

eddy merckx's good angel said...

if only gilbert had punched out that family with the dog on friday.

Anonymous said...

bouganveelia
booginveila
bougounveilia
booggnvealia

CANT SPEL
CRAP TREK

Anonymous said...

I was fixated on the tri-lete with the shirt that said swallow, wondering what that was all about. It took me quite a while to notice #50's hem-let.

McFly said...

Bradley Wiggins is the modern day cycling equivalent of Joe Strummer.
"Fuck-All you bloody cunts!"

"ROCK THE NASHBAR!"

"ROCK THE NASHBAR!"

In other news your Flotilla looks like the chariot of a homeless person.


BAGO CANS

Anonymous Coward said...

Given Snobby's Fofonov diatribe, no one else noticed the girl from GBR's name in that tri pic?

Anonymous Coward said...

I stand corrected.

Anonymous said...

Funny you mention pear-shaped. I mentioned to my wife the other day that something at work had gone pear-shaped and she snapped back at me that that was a derogatory comment aimed at women: clearly she's not reading this blog to get a reality check.

Anonymous said...

Hipsters have careers? I thought the best they did was a job:

Trendy clothing company sweater folder
Table busser at trendy restaurant
Person who hands out flyers for garage bands

The only actual "career" hipsters seem to keep:
Trust fund baby!

Anonymous Coward said...

Saw a guy over the weekend riding a hybrid, the stem was above Grant Peterson levels, and he had clip-on aero bars. At least he wasn't riding in them.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hipsters have lots of careers:
1. Artisanal butcher
2. Freelance graphic artist
3. Blogger

leroy said...

My dog insists you made a faux pas about Mike Cavendish sprinting on the Champs-Elysees.

He claims that ride obviously concluded in Washington Square.

In the background, you can clearly see Washington Square's famous Arc to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

crosspalms said...

On my way to work this morning, a guy rode up beside me and asked where I got my bags, because he was thinking of riding to New York tomorrow. He said he had ridden from Canada to Tijuana, and his nephew in San Diego had given away his bags and sold his bike. He didn't ask for money, but he sure reminded me of the scam artist you wrote about (and linked to stories about). So, Chicago, be skeptical of a schlubby guy on a mountain bike. And if he's at all serious about heading east, look out NY...

Anonymous said...

Congrats to all the Brits on the blog. You're guy rode an amazing race. Actually the team was fantastic and you must be proud.

In keeping with the british theme, I just built up a 1986 Raleigh competition with 531 Reynolds main tubes(i know japanese-made raleigh but it has the heron badge). When it was done, it was about 21 pounds and about the same as my 2011 trek aluminum road bike with crabon fork. I rode each one over a 5 mile course and my times were almost exactly the same. My conclusion - I am equally slow on old and new bikes.

cycle

Anonymous said...

@crosspalms2:54:

New York here. Roger that Chicago. Will be on the lookout for harmless-looking people asking innocent questions.

Thanks for the heads up.

Marcel Da Chump said...

It was Ollie, not Stanley.

Salty and Sore said...

Hooray, for Wiggins and Great Brittany!

BTW, only ten more months until the next Bradley Cup! Yea!

Salty and Sore said...

@WRM-

Okay, so you went there.

Maybe it's not a matter of the Outlier shorts' stitching failure. Maybe it was that of your manscaping conditioner. Throw in a little sand, and blammo! Southern exposure.

Cronan the Meatatarian said...

crotchless meat panties

crosspalms said...

anon 3:10
Obviously you don't share my raging paranoia. For all I know, you're in cahoots with nephew-sold-my-bags guy...

Quilled and Lugged said...

"Swallow GBR" indeed - sounds like what WRM is going to be doing with his brief jerkies.
Want to make a prediction about the Olympic Road Race to redeem yourself, Snob?

Anonymous said...

The British have an interesting custom for those with beef jerky underwear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sKqW7f4DXo

Anonymous said...

Freds shooting EPO to win the masters 45-49 at the Gran Fondo New York? I'm sure 1700 people have already sent you this link, but it is too got not to repeat:
http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/two-amateurs-test-positive-for-epo-at-gran-fondo-new-york-34711/

el pistole said...

surely the freds ate steak the night before the gran fondo?

Anonymous said...

Just goes to show a triathlon is a good bike ride spoiled.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Like most things triathlete, I am appalled at the on-the-bike colon cleansing apparatus.

Anonymous said...

I'll eat my spondee!

Vegas said...

Hey you guuuuys

Dave the Bus Driver said...

Cyclists talk. paranoia flows. Beam we all at the font of Lob Gawd Serendipidity do dah.

Anonymous said...

I watched the video but I did not grock the water bottle thing. Someone, please explain it to me.
Much Obliged in Advance.

McFly said...

Anon 3:09,

Try multiplying your Raleigh time by the Having To Reach Down And Shift Quotient of .000981 and record those results. I was making the same comparison VS. Crabon and I would be interested in the data VS. aluminum.

wishiwasmerckx said...

So the rumors are now that Astana will be signing both Schlecks plus Vincenzo Nibali?

They've now committed all of the funds they had previously dedicated to getting Vinikourov an eyebrow transplant!

Anonymous said...

"At first I worried that I might have inadvertently exposed myself to them"

Nobody has that good of an eyesight.
I mean, what were they? Mossad sharpshooters?

leroy said...

Honestly, doping at the New York Gran Fondo.

In the past, my dog has assured me that he has not been doping when he asks me to relay his observations in this comment section.

Now I'm not so sure.

But I am still declining his offer to provide urine samples all over the apartment.

Perrico Delgado said...

I guess the IOC will wait after the Olympics to declare that Stanley and his lover were doped up. Perhaps in the future, the cycling bicycleurs racees can carry their EPO in the saddle attached taint tank.

Salty and Sore said...

Let's take a moment to thank the Schlecks, the Gran Frodos, the Seattle Mariners, and Redmond's favorite track-racing stars for proving that doping doesn't matter, and no longer needs to tracked. If you suck and you dope, it's just going to make more people notice that you suck.

Meanwhile, cancer still kills more people than crazy dudes at the movies.

Givestrong

[/plug]

Bogusboy said...

Seems appropriate that the promo video for the latest Trek boner bike was produced by "Incompetech"....

Anonymous said...

Freds shooting EPO to win the NY Gran Fondo? What's this world coming to? We can all thank Lob that the USADA is on the job.

Tour de Prophet said...

When Contador returns to next year's tDf, Froome will have no choice but to drop his Wiggo on the climbs.
It's got the makings of an epic tour.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford rode 85.6 miles on 07/21/2012 Topeka, KS

He had his 3rd best time on Dover to Hodges Rd.

http://www.strava.com/athletes/191881

Adolf Hitler III said...

Is Wiggins giving the National Front Power Salute, aka The Fist of Density in that first graphic? Looks like it to me?

Glen said...

For a COMPLETE name that might win your surname-that-sounds-like-wanking competition, what about Orica-Greenedge's Pieter Weening?

Anonymous said...

"wadded-up tissue graphic"- eeeewwwww!

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Our top sellers this year include oakley sunglasses cheap and ray ban wayfarer on sale. Welcome to our best store buy in www.sunglassesshop-buy.com.

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Loving the dirty mind over the triathlon picture. The point was the backward helmet!!!

Anonymous said...

Go For BRADLEY Wiggins and people might take you seriously. Shit way to spoil a good blog.

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