I Believe That Children Are Our Future. The Rest Is Their Problem.

So I read where in the comment section of this blog yesterday how some big running coach guy was drug-doping his competitive joggers:

Salazar is a US athletics legend, who won the New York marathon three years in a row and ran himself unconscious in winning the Boston marathon in 1982.

He is now one of the world's most successful coaches. The head coach at the prestigious Nike running camp based in Portland, Oregon, Salazar has worked with Farah since 2011 and has coached his training partner Rupp for 14 years.

Why is this surprising?  Isn't it just assumed that any athlete involved with Nike is also involved in doping?  All the "swoosh" on their uniforms mean is that they haven't been caught yet:

("Floyd, what's the temperature on the 'wine fridge?'  I don't want those bags of 'Merlot' to go bad.")

Really, it's nothing more than a stylized asterisk pending the results of the doping control:

(The universal symbol for "awaiting return of the 'B' sample.")

I love it when sports collapses on itself.

In other news, remember how last year Woody Allen designed a bike that was going to revolutionize bikes?

Well, obviously he succeeded, which is why you're riding one of his bikes now.

Aren't you?

Anyway, Woody is clearly applying his one-film-a-year approach to bicycles, because now he's back with a children's bike:


And please keep your comments about Woody Allen and children to yourself.

(How psyched is Woody that everyone's moved on to Bill Cosby?)

Here's the story:

"With my son turning two, I was motivated to re-think the children's bicycle."

Of course you were.

If you're not a parent, let me tell you how it works: modern homo Sapiens have been around for 200,000 years, which means humans have been parenting for at least that long.  Despite this, when people become new parents they think they're suddenly going to turn the whole goddamn operation around, like some young hotshot CEO at a stodgy old company.  This is clearly what's going in with Woody, but rest assured it will soon be beaten out of him, because that's what children do.

Still, you can't blame the guy for trying.  I used to try too, until I learned better.

In this case though Woody is doubly audacious, because he's entering a crowded marketplace.  After all, when it comes to kids' bikes, parents have lots of options--everything from the toy section at the local big box retailer to high-end kid-specific bike companies like this:

Furthermore, in between, most of the bigger bike companies offer a line of children's bikes, and you can purchase these along with a wide array of accessories (bells, lights, squeaky things, Hamlets) from the competent professionals (or at least intermittently attentive shop rats) at your LBS.

Still, this guy's got a two year-old, which means he hasn't yet had the fight beaten out of him, so by golly he's going to waste a bunch of time and energy he'll be wishing in a couple of years that he had held onto by designing something that already exists.

So he walks around the neighborhood and identifies a bunch of stuff that's wrong with kids' bikes.  For example, the training wheels are a pain in the ass:

Though he fails to note that this is a gravel-specific bicycle which is presumably fitted with gravel-specific training wheels for the Dirty Kanza .200:

He also notices that a lot of kids' bikes are rusty:

Though I'm pretty sure that's just garbage--which would also explain the flat:

"Trying to teach your kid when their tires haven't been fully inflated is harder for them and for you."

Oh, Woody, you have much to learn.  For one thing, inflating a 12" wheel is not exactly difficult--it takes like half a pump stroke, and you could probably do it orally in a pinch.  More importantly though, pneumatic tires are an incredibly powerful weapon in your parental arsenal, because when you don't feel like chasing the goddamn kid around all you have to do is surreptitiously drop the PSI, thus slowing the little brat down.  Furthermore, inflatable tires allow you to modulate this effect, and you can choose everything from "just a bit" to "sorry kid, flat tire, looks like Daddy's staying on the couch."  [Cracks beer, falls asleep.]

For the same reason, Woody is foolish to design a bike that doesn't require tools:

See, when your parenting energy is high you want an opportunity to show your kids how to use them and delude them into thinking you're competent, and when it's low you want an excuse to sit on your ass:

("For the last goddamn time we can't fix your bike without a wrench!  Now go watch TV!")

Anyway, here's the result of all this data-gathering.  First, the bike has a belt drive:

"My kids want to touch every part of the bike, which means greasy hands.  With our belt, dirty hands and clothes aren't an issue for them, or for the parents carrying the bike."

What!?!  Chain drives build character!  If you haven't wrestled with a stuck pant leg or almost lost a digit at some point during childhood then you'll never mature into a competent cyclist.

Also, the bike is aluminum for weight savings:

I'm not sure this is particularly innovative.  After all, my kid's bike from a large company that likes to sue people is also aluminum.  Then again, somehow it still manages to weigh a bazillion pounds, so I wonder if this one is any lighter--though chances are it's pretty much the same frame.

Then of course it has the solid flat-free tires:

Not only is Woody going to be kicking himself for these for the reasons I mentioned, but they also don't allow you to adjust the kid's pressure for gravel riding, thus nixing his or her chances in the local cyclocross series or the Dirty Kanzaa .200:

("Whatpressureyourunning?")

And don't forget the patent-pending tool-free training wheels:

My kid's bike from a large company that likes to sue people came with training wheels just like this, which means Woody's on a collision course with Mike Sinyard.

("I own the concept of bikes and childhood."--Mike Sinyard)

Lastly, here's a little slice of Brooklyn life:

Center for High-Energy Metaphysics (and a bike) on the L - w4m - 21 (Brooklyn bound L train)
age : 21

Here's a long shot but why the hell not.

First of all, great purple sweater. It said "Center for High-Energy Metaphysics" and you had a bike in a crowded BK bound L at around 11:00pm, Wednesday June 3. I got on at 3rd Ave, got off at Lorimer. We made eye contact more than once but alas, I never actually say anything to anyone on the train...you were really cute though and I wanna know what the hell high-energy metaphysics is. 

If you ever find this, include in the reply what colour my beanie was :)

That's clearly a trick question: it was rainbow-colored with a propeller on it.

What do I win?