Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Things Are Gonna Get Worse Before They Get Worse


It's hard being a semi-professional bike blogger.  See, when you people need entertainment all you have to do is visit this blog.  But I'm already here!  So where am I supposed to go when I'm in need of some much-needed mirth?

Well, when I'm feeling down in the mouth I like to visit Old Man Budnitz's place, where configuring a fop-tastic bike is always good for a chuckle.  Check out this Budnitz fat bike I "curated" while giggling uncontrollably:
Incredibly, I managed to bring the project in at under $9,000--no small feat when you're "pounding the Budnitz"--and I even sprang for a small handful of luxurious extras, including:

--The "Budnitz blue" (he needed the money) paint option;
--Real genuine honest-to-goodness name-brand clipless pedals;
--One (1) bottle cage;
--A bell;
--A "Budnitz Titanium Beer Wrench" for repairs I don't have the knowledge to perform as well as for getting down with my fat-biking bros after the ride.

Yes, I can't wait to show up at the trailhead on my $9,000 Budnitz for a proper bro-down:



I bet they'll covet both my bicycle and my wardrobe:



Meanwhile, in the world of skinny tires, a reader named Eric has forwarded me this video of an unfortunate rider/spectator encounter during the Tour of America's Dairyland (presented by the Wisconsin Milk Marketing Board, of course!):



The opening caption promises there will be the "SMASH"-ing of riders into spectators:


And it does not disappoint:


Though in fairness to the spectator it seems unfair at best to call him "clueless."  Where the hell are the barriers and the race marshals to keep people off the course?  I've seen better organization at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.  What happened, did Governor Scott Walker gut their budget?

In fact, I'd be stunned if the guy who walked onto the course was even a "spectator," since there are virtually none in evidence anywhere in the video.  If anything he's just a guy on a bike, and his last thought before the crash was probably something like, "Now where the hell is that bike lane?  It was here yesterday.  Goddamn that Scott Walker!"  Then POW!, he's clobbered by a bunch of Freds.

Yes, welcome to Scott Walker's Wisconsin...assuming you have a contextual understanding of Wisconsin in which to frame Scott Walker's Wisconsin, which I certainly don't, even though my bike did come from Milwaukee:


Naturally I have a far greater knowledge of New York City, where the High Bridge recently reopened after 40 years, and where the smuggies are already complaining about it:

I was anxiously anticipating the re-opening of the High Bridge. As a resident of Upper Manhattan with strong Bronx ties, I was very excited to finally have a way to cross into the borough on my bike without having to either ride on a crowded narrow sidewalk or on a dangerously busy bridge. I was also thrilled at the prospect of having a tourist draw and truly unique feature to show off to and enjoy with friends and relatives. I love the prospect of new recreational facilities being developed in an area that has been blatantly underserved for many, many years.

So, it was with great disappointment that I tried to cross the bridge twice after the long heralded opening and was met on both occasions with a chain link fence and no way to actually cross the bridge. The first time I attempted this crossing was the opening day. I went in the evening and there were no signs explaining why the bridge was closed. Memories of Governor Christie popped into my head. But wait, he has no jurisdiction here.

The second evening I tried to cross, at around 9 p.m., I was met by the same locked chain link fence. This time, however, I found something even more disturbing. What appears to be permanent signs showing that the bridge has “hours” from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m.

Okay, I agree the bridge should be open all the time, but until now the goddamn thing had been closed for 40 FUCKING YEARS.  Can't we at least enjoy it for a little while before we start with the kvetching?  This is like your spouse waking up from a coma and you getting upset the first night home from the hospital because he or she is not "in the mood."

Also, High Bridge is technically a park, and as far as I know pretty much all city parks have hours--including Central and Prospect Parks, which are also important bicycle routes, and which are getting even closer to finally being car-free:

Cars will be banned on park drives north of 72nd Street in Central Park, which are now open to traffic during certain morning and afternoon rush hours on weekdays. Drivers cherish the meandering shortcuts to and from Midtown, but many bicyclists and pedestrians say those are the very hours they are trying to use the roadways for exercise or travel.

The four roads that cut horizontally across Central Park will remain open to traffic.

The western side of Prospect Park will be closed to cars on weekdays, and the eastern side will be closed except for a two-hour period from 7 to 9 a.m. on weekdays.

Cars are already banned from both parks on weekends.

It's absurd that people have been allowed to drive through the parks for this long, so this is a welcome development, and my deepest hope is that once we banish cars from these cherished green spaces once and for all we can finally move on to getting the triathletes out too.

Then all our troubles will really be over.

Sadly, however, despite these local improvements there has been no discernible reduction in police victim-blaming:


According to NYPD Sergeant Lee Jones, at around 10:25 a.m. the 57-year-old male cyclist was traveling east on Church Avenue next to the truck when he "lost control and struck the side of the box truck and fell under the wheels" near the intersection of Ocean Avenue.

Really, is that what happened?  He just lost control, hit the side of the truck, and then fell under it?  Well, that's good enough for me.  After all, it happened near an intersection, so it's not possible the driver of the truck right-hooked him or anything like that.  Because that never happens.

At this point we should all probably be riding around with selfie stick cockpits like the Traffic Droid:



He totally lost control and fell right onto the bumper of that car.

Alas, maybe Scott Walker is right and big business is our only hope, for a reader named Christian informs me that at least McDonald's is looking out for us:


The product was initially launched in March in bicycle-haven Copenhagen, Denmark during the #imlovinit24 campaign and followed by Medellin, Colombia. According to an ad released June 17, Tokyo and Amsterdam are the next cities slated to receive the McBike.

Who is  "Imlo Vinit?"

Any relation to Letle Viride?


Either way, this is all part of McDonald's new attempt to lure cyclists into their drive-thrus, because of course you want to suck down as much exhaust as possible before eating double your entire daily allowance of calories in one sitting:



Though sadly this is probably less about McDonald's believing cyclists are the future, and more about them stopping to visit us on down here on the lowest rung of social acceptance before they hit rock bottom:

It's the latest in a rebranding effort by McDonald's, which is fighting a massive sales slump. The company plans to close an unprecedented number of stores. Last week, the chain announced plans to expand its all-day breakfast test and in May reversed its position on kale.

Expect them to ditch us and move on to special windows just for meth heads within the next six months.

110 comments:

Mike O. said...

Early today, I was just reading the comments from yesterday.

Ted K. said...

31. We realize that many objections could be raised to the foregoing thumbnail sketch of leftist psychology. The real situation is complex, and anything like a complete description of it would take several volumes even if the necessary data were available. We claim only to have indicated very roughly the two most important tendencies in the psychology of modern leftism.

Anonymous said...

one lap to go?

leroy said...

You know some folks' have dogs that fetch the paper in the morning.

Mine just asks to borrow my phone to read stuff.

Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Juuuust a bit outside.
Some early BS this morning.

McFly said...

I'm just a Raleigh in a Specialized world.

Anonymous said...

My feet get numb while I'm sitting down or walking - pretty much all the time. That's because the bones are held together with titanium. Will those shoes help me?

Anonymous said...

"Traffic Droid"

Linky no worky.

leroy said...

You'd think my dog would at least proof read my comments for typos.

But if course he's not a working breed.

(See what I mean above.)

Michael Robinson said...

For some exemplary conduct while on a bike, Mayor of London, Boris Johnson was filmed swearing at a taxi driver.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-33178055

The BBC reports that Boris used "a colourful choice of language".

If you'd like to know what a "colourful choice of language" is, it was Boris telling the taxi driver "why don't you fuck off and die, and not in that order"

Name said...

Sad to see Anthony Bourdain whoring for McDonalds.

Anonymous said...

Collision with truck driver? Implies the police see the truck as clothes, which explains a whole bunch of stuff...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Early post
Early Scranus.

PotbellyJoe said...

Awesome post Snobi-wan.

Did you see the new bike from Special-guyz? They put the front brakes on perpendicular to the fork. **Mind Blown**

Oh wait, all brakes already are, otherwise they wouldn't work.

Read more about it here, and how it's a whopping 5 marketing-minutes faster!

Anonymous said...

vsk said . . .

Dang, Early One!

Now to read!

vsk

JLRB said...

Thank you for the mirth

Anonymous said...

Early break away.

cycle

dop said...

my toes hurt just looking at them

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the girth

monkey brains? said...

I've been looking for a way to make bicycle wheels as noisy as possible. I'm thinking a plastic pvc tube attached to the rim and zip tied to the spikes all the way around the wheel. And filed with rocks?

Got any other great ideas fellow pedalphiles?

It's a safety thing if you have to know.

Snob how do you keep it noisy?

Anonymous said...

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-birmingham-33222456

bad boy of the north said...

that's the new look for the next gran fondon't......

Anonymous said...

OK. Yeah. I doped! But that was a LONG time ago. And, I NEVER tested positive. I just want to move on now...

Grump said...

"Clueless" is the correct term for that idiot who pulled his bike out into the middle of the street without looking. Had that happen to me, years ago, on the bell lap. (everyone missed the doofus).

JB said...

That crash is the race organizers fault. There is a recreational path from an adjacent park that exits at a crosswalk across the race course. No personnel or barriers are nearby?! Barriers a hundred yards down the street could appear to be construction work.

Sure, he didn't look before crossing and he didn't have the light, but it's a RACE.

Ted K. Internet TROLL-Bro said...

Podium! (Apologies for missing yesterday's post.)

Button Hole Surfer said...

At least McDonald's allows you ride your bike through the drive-thru, Taco Bell bans it:

"Can I pick up an order in the drive-thru without an automobile (bike, walk up)?
For security purposes, we only allow automobiles to enter our drive-thru."

https://www.tacobell.com/static_files/TacoBell/StaticAssets/documents/mobileordering/FAQs/index.html

Shawn said...

I am very confused with regards to the cyclist murdered by the truck. I mean, was he wearing a helmet? If he were maybe this whole incident could have been avoided.

Anonymous said...

"Now where the hell is that bike lane? It was here yesterday. Goddamn that Scott Walker!"

"This is like your spouse waking up from a coma and you getting upset the first night home from the hospital because he or she is not "in the mood." This reminds me of when my wife was in the hospital after giving birth. Second night I went to visit, and all I can say is it was her idea.

"...the chain announced plans to expand its all-day breakfast test and in May reversed its position on kale."

Pure Gold.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Grump,

No barries or marshals? That's just crazy. Plus he could very well have looked, a bike race would go from not yet in sight to on top of you very quickly.

Looks like bad race organization to me.

--Wildcat Etc.

Joe said...

Funny, at the last moment in the McDonald's video, the new openings are AMSTERDAM-Netherlands and JAPAN-Tokyo.

Do they think AMSTERDAM is a country, or JAPAN is a city?

Barry Jones & Marshall Upjohn said...

Yeah man we made the selection....

Anonymous said...

What is the correct term for lying back with your head on a soft pillow and your fingers laced and placed comfortably behind your head while your ladyfriend pounds the Ol' Budnitz for you? I call it Clean Up on Aisle 6.

Old Man Horner said...

#letleviride

Anonymous said...

MCDINGLEBERRIES!

crosspalms said...

I'm not about to reverse my position on kale.

ubercurmudgeon said...

I believe Imlo Vinit rode for Polti in the mid-90s. He was lead-out man for Djamolidine Abdoujaparov and had a career-best performance placing fourth in Gent Wevelgem. Or was that Therea Lthing?

Babe said...

I thought you said reverse position on Cale which is kind of fun.

Flyover BC said...

WHA?

I was also thrilled at the prospect of having a tourist draw and truly unique feature to show off to and enjoy with friends and relatives.

balls™ said...

Birdman kicked my ass.

Anonymous said...

McScranus

Thomas Hughes said...

I reversed my position on kale once, but that was after eating it, and the carpet cleaning bill was extensive.

babble on said...

Wow! Sorry I'm late to the early post. Too busy pounding the old man's Budnitz.

Steveo - last I heard, BGW was pretty happy down there in drought stricken California, enjoying the sunshine and learning to drum from a legendary musician. But I'll check in. Who knows? Maybe we can convince him to drop by.

I have been spending so much time on my bike these last few months that I haven't been blogging anywhere nearly as regularly as a good blogger should. I have long dreamt of semi-professional bike blogger status, of getting paid to blog the way Snobi Wan does. The universe is a funny thing, cause as it turns out I am now blogging for an LBS here in Vancouver, the same one that Snobbers came to for his book signing. I did post on spokeNscene once last week, though I forgot to share it with you guys here. There's another now, too, though most of the new work will be published on the shop's page alone.
You know that saying "Be careful what you wish for!" ? It's true. Turns out you should always be specific. I forgot to tell the universe that I would like to be a very well paid semi-professional bike blogger. Shoulda known that blogging isn't generally as lucrative as say, c-suite occupations. Unless, of course, you're one of the Best Bloggers in the Whole Entire world. You know, like somebody we know.

Oh well. Baby steps. It's good to do what you love, right?

Dave - Everywhere said...

I watched a guy on a Citibank get t-boned by a taxi at the intersection of 42nd St and 8th Ave this morning. I was riding my bike up 8th Ave and the light had just turned green for us when the Citibike guy shot into the intersection trying to beat the traffic and get across 8th Ave. Fortunately, the taxi wasn't moving very fast but it did knock the guy off the bike and it looked like he broke his glasses. No - he wasn't wearing a helment. As I passed him he was getting up off the pavement. My normal Fredly impulse was to stop and assist but a) the guy was a dumbass for ignoring the red light and b) he looked OK and I'm lazy. Yesterday, I got rear-ended by another Citibike-riding idiot because he was looking at his phone while riding through an intersection apparently didn't notice that a car was turning into us. When I moved to the left to avoid being hit, Phoneman banged into me. He did say "sorry" which in NYC is as close to an admission of guilt as you'll ever hear. Morons.



Anonymous said...

I was there for the Waukesha race. The crash was on the backside of the course which, unlike the front stretch, had no barriers. Instead, some police officer had lazily taped off one side of the street in such a way that it was not clear where to cross. Wisconsin is still very bike friendly, btw.

ken e. said...

saw those giro shoes in orange this weekend, they looked awesome! maybe it was just squamish is awesome in general and it rubbed off.

McFly said...

Bike crashes? Scroll down to #11... damn you Mario.

Anonymous said...

Did Recumbabe retire or is she just on vacation?

Carl said...

Nice gratuitous posting of your bike.

herzogone said...

@Name 8:56: I'm not sure why they included that video there, Anthony Bourdain is actually whoring for In-N-Out burger.

Grump said...

Snob, you should know that the majority of small time Crits can't have Marshalls along the entire course. Same for barriers. They place Marshalls at every corner, and depend on people to look both ways when they cross in the middle of the street. What would have happened to that guy if there wasn't a pack of riders, but a truck?

babble on said...

Dave Everywhere... in Sweden they call it Shittybank.

hillary said...

i haven't driven a car in 25 years, commoners.

Anonymous said...

I recently got a new bike, my first with dick brakes. I have to say they are a superior braking technology. until I need to repair or replace them, that is.

Anonymous said...

Dave-everywhere,

Indeed. my favorite citi-biker move is to shoal past me at a light by riding into the cross walk, often through the peds that have the right of way. Then I have to move into traffic to pass them 15 feet later as they wobble along at 8 mph. I have to say, as a New Yorker and full time bike commuter I find citibikes and their riders to generally be a nuisance. But whatevs, worse things in the world than to have to avoid a few morons on blue bikes.

CommieCanuck said...

Reversed its position on kale? So now they WILL sell the simulated kale McSalad and bring back the beloved Chinese McKale-the-Snail character toy?

Reminds me of those internet ads with concerned McMothers who were amazed to find out french fries were made of potatoes..with enough fat and salt to kill your kids liver, but what the fuck, at some point, it was healthy food.

I could never get over that creepy clown, that's fucked up.

P. Bateman said...

and today...i gots nothing. i think its because i'm all burned out from staring at ebay auctions for various parts and pieces. i wish someone would have told me bikes have a lot of parts and pieces.

i'm a damn fool.

Regular guy said...

If that guy were really a spectator, wouldn't he have been watching the race? Seems like just a hapless guy who was used to crossing the street against the red light all the time in that de-populated town. With all those "spectators" one wonders why they bothered with barriers at all. There were more people watching my kid ride the "Fun Race" at the North Star Grand Prix. F'n Cheeseheads.

Anonymous said...

Re: Bikepacking and bros

Hey Snob,

Could you explain to me why do you associate bikepacking with bros ?

As English is not my first language, I just had a look at the urbandictionary definition of a 'bro' and, to be honest, I just don't understand the association you make with bikepacking.

Thanks in advance for your attention to this matter, for the sake of your international readership.

And, please excuse my english.

Yours,


PotbellyJoe said...

How often is a reference made to the Tashkent Terror? Well Done übercurmudgeon.

As for disc brakes, having them on a few of my bikes, both hydro and mechanical, I have never found the maintenance or replacement that difficult. What I find difficult is the constant apologizing I have to do when I do use my BB7 brakes and they honk like geese.

Carl said...

Nice gratuitous posting of your bike.

PötbellyjØë said...

Ja sure, dares a laht ov tings dat da Sveedes do dat arr strange. But day bringed us nordern-midvesterners da Glögg recipe, so day can't be all bad, ja.

PotbellyJoe said...

If you want to know what glögg is.

It's a great way to get completely wasted at Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Babble has been known to reverse position, sometimes even a few times in an evening.

Fred Nifacent said...

"its gentle curves are engineered to smooth out road vibrations and deliver breathtaking speed". Sorry but how do the curves of a frame deliver breath taking speed? I guess Ive been doing it wrong all these years, i should have been gently bending my frame, not using the pedals.

meltyman said...

I want to know where I can buy this lock Anyone?

PotbellyJoe said...

@Meltyman,

Looks like an OnGuard Pittbull. Just Orange. Maybe it's a UK thing.

BamaPhred said...

Feel sorry for person run over, but the best vid of a similar situation was the one Snob posted of the person who had their butt crack used for a launch ramp when a pack of Fred's bore down on him?her? Then said bunny hopping Fred's crashed. Good times.

Jeb said...

That there McDonald's handlebar hanger thang ain't near big 'nuff to hold what a full growed Southern boy gonna order to fill his belly. Why that tiny thang ain't even big 'nuff t'hold my super sized fries! Those commie, left wing Europe folk an' Asian types don't done know what a square meal looks like.

Jeb said...

Where the hell even is Copenhagen! Did we ever bomb it? I knows we bombed Japan.

1904 Cadardi said...

@PBJay

Glögg is the first time I ever felt buzzed. I was probably 10 or 11 and had no idea what was going on. But the next Christmas I asked my mom if she was going to make it again. Apparently it wasn't so strong as give me a blackout from one cup. Does that mean she didn't make it strong enough?

babble on said...

anonyman from across the sea @2:31 pm - it was the bro doooooder who challenged him to accept his invitation to bike pack with him last week. You know, the one who promised - threatened?- that his kid would play with Snobbydoobydoo's dick brakes.

Does Snobi Wan have dick brakes?

Um, and yes. Of course. Reverse, upside down, in and out and all around, whatever floats yer boat. Pleasure is the name of the game... it always works for me.

Jeb said...

I knows where Vietnam is 'cause we bombed th' shit out o' that place. Afghanistan was easy to bomb too, though it's hard t' spell, an' why we is still bombing Iraq last time I done checked. There's gotta be a better way to learn geography.

PotbellyJoe said...

@1904 Cadardi,

Odds are she just let it get to hot and cooked off too much of the alcohol.

I can drink a fair amount or beers and shots when the moment calls for it. 4 mugs of Glögg and I'll be singing traditionals from the nearest rooftop.

babble on said...

I am not going to mention how that lock coulda been cracked without the use of the saw, cause this blog has waaaaaaaay too many readers and I don't want the information circulating. But you'd think the fire department would know.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Clueless Cat 6 was in the crosswalk. He had the right of way to break up the race.

Non-Negative Abnormal Result said...

Imlo Vinit. This is one of the anagrams we used to conceal our secret training program: "No IV Limit". Ironically, the soigneur would often give us Happy Meals after the bags were empty. (I don't think he went through the drive thru on a bicycle though). Please know that I only did this plan very early in my career and am very sorry to have done it. The Happy Meals gave me the trots something fierce.

babble on said...

Quick!! Cook up the grog so we can drink a toast to ever more carefree, car-free places and space

Anonymous said...

My Nitz is budding. Someone pound this hard lock that needs cracked. Who knows the combination?

Beaver, Angry, Canada said...

Babble at 13:39 "I have long dreamt of semi-professional bike blogger status, of getting paid to blog the way Snobi Wan does."

I was sort of scanning quickly across the text and I thought it said "...getting laid to blog the way Snobi Wan does". At first I thought the guy does have 17 kids...but then thought WTH, and went back and read it again.

Large Order of a fries with that said...

CC 204: "I could never get over that creepy clown, that's fucked up."

How about that Burger King dude, King Pedophile, talk about creepy.

Dooth said...

Gotta question why that kvetching smuggie would want to cross the Highbridge at night. There's nothing there but trouble.

The Duke said...

They need a 'Keeper of the High Bridge'. A person of valour, one pure of soul who would let pass travellers of pure motives in the after hours and bar those of more questionable character as they saw fit.

Anonymous said...

Keeper of the High Bridge, "Sorry but thou shall not pass."
BSNYC, B-b-b-but I really w-w-w-want to get home. I-I-I'm scared.

dop said...

Maybe the keeper of the high bridge could ask 5, no I mean 3 questions

Freddy Murcks said...

$9000 for a fat bike. I am not sure who is stupider: Old man Budnitz or the dumbass(es) who would pay $9k for a semi-mass production fat bike. Stupid, stupid, STUPID.

four hour erection said...

Think I'll get me some Chobani, a couple o' lebians, Makers Mark, and toast to Budnitz. Ol' boy's got it figured out, no?

four hour erection said...

LESBIANS

Anonymous said...

Kvetching about kvetching. Look what the world's coming to.
But thanks for highlighting the continual auto-centric deflection of blame for cyclist crushings.

bloodpuddle said...

Hitting a pedestrian in a ghost town really is bad luck.

meat puppet said...

i'm a mindless idiot

JB said...

Grump: if it were a car, he likely would have heard it coming.

TV on the radio said...

I'm a happy idiot

Anonymous said...

Stay off the course? How about keep your stupid COURSE off MY STREET? I LIVE here motherfucker.

Anonymous said...

Scott "The Clown" Walker's main political opposition in Wisconsin came from some Trek Bycicle family member. No wonder The Clown wants to destroy Wisconsin's biking structures

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Checking in from Scott Walker's Wisconsin. Things like that only happen to the good folks of Waukesha.

"Waukesha: The Benefits of City Living, Without All the Poor People"

Signing off before Scott figures out a way to charge me more for internet access.

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