It's hard being a semi-professional bike blogger. See, when you people need entertainment all you have to do is visit this blog. But I'm already here! So where am I supposed to go when I'm in need of some much-needed mirth?
Well, when I'm feeling down in the mouth I like to visit Old Man Budnitz's place, where configuring a fop-tastic bike is always good for a chuckle. Check out this Budnitz fat bike I "curated" while giggling uncontrollably:
"pounding the Budnitz"--and I even sprang for a small handful of luxurious extras, including:
--The "Budnitz blue" (he needed the money) paint option;
--Real genuine honest-to-goodness name-brand clipless pedals;
--One (1) bottle cage;
--A "Budnitz Titanium Beer Wrench" for repairs I don't have the knowledge to perform as well as for getting down with my fat-biking bros after the ride.
Yes, I can't wait to show up at the trailhead on my $9,000 Budnitz for a proper bro-down:
I bet they'll covet both my bicycle and my wardrobe:
Meanwhile, in the world of skinny tires, a reader named Eric has forwarded me this video of an unfortunate rider/spectator encounter during the Tour of America's Dairyland (presented by the Wisconsin Milk Marketing Board, of course!):
The opening caption promises there will be the "SMASH"-ing of riders into spectators:
And it does not disappoint:
Though in fairness to the spectator it seems unfair at best to call him "clueless." Where the hell are the barriers and the race marshals to keep people off the course? I've seen better organization at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. What happened, did Governor Scott Walker gut their budget?
In fact, I'd be stunned if the guy who walked onto the course was even a "spectator," since there are virtually none in evidence anywhere in the video. If anything he's just a guy on a bike, and his last thought before the crash was probably something like, "Now where the hell is that bike lane? It was here yesterday. Goddamn that Scott Walker!" Then POW!, he's clobbered by a bunch of Freds.
Yes, welcome to Scott Walker's Wisconsin...assuming you have a contextual understanding of Wisconsin in which to frame Scott Walker's Wisconsin, which I certainly don't, even though my bike did come from Milwaukee:
Naturally I have a far greater knowledge of New York City, where the High Bridge recently reopened after 40 years, and where the smuggies are already complaining about it:
So, it was with great disappointment that I tried to cross the bridge twice after the long heralded opening and was met on both occasions with a chain link fence and no way to actually cross the bridge. The first time I attempted this crossing was the opening day. I went in the evening and there were no signs explaining why the bridge was closed. Memories of Governor Christie popped into my head. But wait, he has no jurisdiction here.
The second evening I tried to cross, at around 9 p.m., I was met by the same locked chain link fence. This time, however, I found something even more disturbing. What appears to be permanent signs showing that the bridge has “hours” from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m.
Okay, I agree the bridge should be open all the time, but until now the goddamn thing had been closed for 40 FUCKING YEARS. Can't we at least enjoy it for a little while before we start with the kvetching? This is like your spouse waking up from a coma and you getting upset the first night home from the hospital because he or she is not "in the mood."
Also, High Bridge is technically a park, and as far as I know pretty much all city parks have hours--including Central and Prospect Parks, which are also important bicycle routes, and which are getting even closer to finally being car-free:
The four roads that cut horizontally across Central Park will remain open to traffic.
The western side of Prospect Park will be closed to cars on weekdays, and the eastern side will be closed except for a two-hour period from 7 to 9 a.m. on weekdays.
Cars are already banned from both parks on weekends.
It's absurd that people have been allowed to drive through the parks for this long, so this is a welcome development, and my deepest hope is that once we banish cars from these cherished green spaces once and for all we can finally move on to getting the triathletes out too.
Then all our troubles will really be over.
Sadly, however, despite these local improvements there has been no discernible reduction in police victim-blaming:
According to NYPD Sergeant Lee Jones, at around 10:25 a.m. the 57-year-old male cyclist was traveling east on Church Avenue next to the truck when he "lost control and struck the side of the box truck and fell under the wheels" near the intersection of Ocean Avenue.
Really, is that what happened? He just lost control, hit the side of the truck, and then fell under it? Well, that's good enough for me. After all, it happened near an intersection, so it's not possible the driver of the truck right-hooked him or anything like that. Because that never happens.
At this point we should all probably be riding around with selfie stick cockpits like the Traffic Droid:
He totally lost control and fell right onto the bumper of that car.
Alas, maybe Scott Walker is right and big business is our only hope, for a reader named Christian informs me that at least McDonald's is looking out for us:
The product was initially launched in March in bicycle-haven Copenhagen, Denmark during the #imlovinit24 campaign and followed by Medellin, Colombia. According to an ad released June 17, Tokyo and Amsterdam are the next cities slated to receive the McBike.
Who is "Imlo Vinit?"
Any relation to Letle Viride?
Either way, this is all part of McDonald's new attempt to lure cyclists into their drive-thrus, because of course you want to suck down as much exhaust as possible before eating double your entire daily allowance of calories in one sitting:
Though sadly this is probably less about McDonald's believing cyclists are the future, and more about them stopping to visit us on down here on the lowest rung of social acceptance before they hit rock bottom:
It's the latest in a rebranding effort by McDonald's, which is fighting a massive sales slump. The company plans to close an unprecedented number of stores. Last week, the chain announced plans to expand its all-day breakfast test and in May reversed its position on kale.
Expect them to ditch us and move on to special windows just for meth heads within the next six months.