I only learned what it meant yesterday, but already it's clear that it's the driving force behind the American culture. Consider this woman, for example, to whom I was alerted by a reader, and who wants $6,000 so she can marry her bicycle:
Of course, the first thing I did was show this to Mario Cipollini, and as we watched it together he had only one question:
(Spoiler alert: she doesn't.)
So what do you get for sending this kook on a bike trip? Nothing! Well, you get some shitty art or something. Scoff if you will, but this "puffery" shit works, because she's already made over $1,800--which, I might add, she gets to keep even if she doesn't make her fundraising goal:
The power of puffery is formidable indeed.
Then, while still reeling from that, I saw the following Tweet:
.@bikesnobnyc you should ask the Whitney if they can put your AYHSMB rim in the Biennial, like they did this copycat: http://t.co/Yl5cOAhxDJ
— Alan (@akgerber) February 28, 2014
Yep, someone put some stickers on a fixie wheel and made it into the Whitney:Not only that, but the New York Times said she's "revitalizing abstract painting" in the process!
“Untitled,” 2013, by Laura Owens, one of the women revitalizing abstract painting.
Wow. Firstly, what's abstract about this? It's a fucking wheel. Secondly, can you imagine what the critic who wrote that would think if she saw the Fixed Gear Gallery? She's probably shit herself in amazement.
Of course, as the Tweeterer astutely points out, this is a total ripoff of the world-famous and iconic "All You Haters Suck My Balls" wheel, which I first posted about way back in 2008:
(Photo: "Sucka Pants")
So basically, she totally ripped it off, and her only artistic contribution was placing the wheel in front of a hastily-painted banner that looks like it was based on a pair of Jams:
It should be noted, however, that the above is merely a detail from "Untitled" (she couldn't even be bothered to come up with a title!), and here's the complete work:
Which is also a total rip-off, in this case from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure:"
Which in turn was a Hitchcock parody (well, that scene was, anyway), and thus the snake has devoured its tail.
By the way, she doesn't just do aero wheels, and she's also flirted with box section rims:
Hmmm, now where have I seen paintings like this before?
And that's how you puff your way into the Whitney.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then whoop-dee-doo, and if you're wrong then you'll see the days when cycling had style.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your puffery be fruitful.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
PS: Buy a hat, you lowlives.
Thank you.
(Is this the new doping?)
1) Among pro cyclists looking for a competitive edge, EPO and blood transfusions are out, and __________ is in:
--Foraging for herbs
--Freebasing caffeine
--Huffing gas
--Drinking horse semen
2) These guys are:
--Demanding Citi Bike in Harlem
--Protesting Citi Bike by preventing people from using the station
--Launching a Kickstarter in order to complete the half-finished DayGlo conversion process on that sweater
--Taking this armoire, and that's all there is to it
3) Urban sombreros are out; urban teepees are in.
--True
--False
4) A rider is suing Citi Bike for $15 million because:
--The bikes are too blue
--Using the system caused him to become impotent
--Using the system caused him to lose his senses of taste and smell
--A Citi Bike station in front of his townhouse reduced the home's value by $15 million
5) Why is this woman smiling?
--She got her bike back
--She feels fantastic about being a Portlander
--She interacted with a homeless person and lived to tell about it
--All of the above
("He was giving me the thumbs-up but he didn't really mean it, and that's when I soiled myself."--The Driver)
--True
--False
(Conan O'Brien's doing triathlons now?)
7) A triathlete will get a tattoo on his ass if you buy him a bike for an Ironman.
--True
--False
***Special Cycling American Style-Themed Bonus Video***
112 comments:
AYHSMB
Late Podes !!
vsk
I feel like a portlander.
hmmmmmmmmm
cycle
Or for the O.G. "All You Haters Suck My Balls".
Taking up space!
vsk
early for once
I'd have been on the podium, but I ran out of FRS.
8===D ~ ~ ~
Marrying your bike?! Why buy the cow...
Podium.
OK, now having been properly read.
I thought this chick was actually going to marry a Beloved Bicycle built by Beloved. Now I could see her copulating with a US$5,000Mixte.
I actually saw someone off Bowery Lock Up a Beloved bike outside some coffee place. ??? Hhmmm? Maybe she's one of those evil one pacenters.
Nice plug for bicyclepaintings dot com. She is awesome and does nice work.
Happy Friday !!
vsk
Here is some text.
No.
Dude, you didn't scroll down enough - for 1500, you get a nude of the bride. Though she could save us all 1500 and at least just take her top off...
Maybe if you send her a BSNYC wool cap she will in return send you something?
If you send me a BSNYC cap, I promise NOT to send you a nude pic of me...
"And that's you puff your way into the Whitney."
How.
Enjoyable week, Snob. Ride Safe.
Not good art at all, quit hasty and shitty, as best described by one anonymous viewer: "whoop-de-doo"
would someone send me 87$ American to pay my cable bill? thank you
Girls with thick hips and small tits hold a special place in my, as well as many other of my counterparts, heart.
There is no doubt she has "made" over $1800.
I wanna go after that grass skirt with a weedeater.
I thought firemen were supposed to be fit. I guess in Tucson the standards are a bit lower, or should I say puffier?
Doping by breathing xenon? Seriously?
It's a noble gas. It won't do shit because it isn't going to react with anything in your body. It wouldn't be any different than breathing any other non-oxygen gas like helium.
However, I predict it will become popular with masters racers shortly. Xenon is extremely expensive, so it must be better than other noble gases like helium or argon.
I do like the guy in the Velonews article saying it might be carcinogenic because radon is. These are the people coming up with doping policy? Radon is a noble gas, but it's radioactive. That's why its carcinogenic.
Puffery is the only thing keeping the economy going!
I really prefer a fluffer to a puffer.
"Taking this armoire, and that's all there is to it."
Gold, Snobby, gold!
Oh shit, those ARE the armoire guys! Gold snobby, gold!
Anonymous 2:07pm,
I was quite taken by this part of the article:
“There was talk of carbon monoxide being a good stimulant for EPO production. We heard that a team in the last year had been experimenting with that, and that’s similar to Xenon in general terms. We thought it was probably a bad idea to try and pursue the idea.”
I think experimenting with carbon monoxide inhalation will thin the Fred ranks considerably.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
If they're noble gases, they should have titles. Prince Argon. Viscount Radon. Xenon, warrior princess.
Guy Smiley? Really?
I want to flirt with the box section under that green skirt.
She has to leave the outfit on, though.
Can't you just hear the plastic blades of grass rustling agin one another as you gently bang her on the rainbow comforter?
She looks like a clinger though...have a fake cell # at the ready.
First, dude's lawyer is named Guy Smiley
Second, he was NOT wearing a helment
Third, HE'S FROM CONNECTICUT
...crosspalms, i'm buying your royal puffery.
Dick Pound....
I quit taking whatever it was seriously
But the blogulation was seriously funny
Enjoy the weekend
...wait, coconut tits shows a GT sitting next to her (and is almost seen fondling Mr. Steele), then on her page is a Surly. Is she already cheating on her fiance?
You should totally write more art criticism. I don't know if you've ever read ArtForum but my god what a load of crap. They talk about art the way bicycle reviewers write about all that over priced component shite.
ich bin ein portlander!
Holy shit, Jams? Take these broken wings mothertrucker! Highway to the daynja zown! Who's Johnny?
You know, it's not every day in this universe when someone takes a piece of art from the Whitney sesqui-scranal or whatever, compares it to some surfer shorts from '86, AND THEY LOOK JUST LIKE IT. I'm just happy to have been able witness the moment.
to
100% ON THE QUIZ!
Snobbie, its lowlifes, not lowlives. Sorry to correct you.
Do they listen to what they say - "we cannot control cars, but we can control ourselvers". Is he fucking stupid? A person can only control themselves on a bike? You lose complete control of all motor skills when you drive? If so, you should not be driving you idiot.
I feel better now, that was very therapeutic.
Okay JB, that's a little trippy (and it's not wednesday). Did not see your comment before I posted. George doesn't like it!
I was hoping for more of The Shark, but I see we've moved ahead to Suck My Balls. The sweet sound of (forward) progress?
MIRK PERV
My commute was so cold this morning, I couldn't feel my balls when I touched them.
I swear that is Cipo in the Huffy commercial. Yeah, he's wearing a shirt, but it's unbuttoned, he tanner than his khaki shorts, and that friggen hair - talk about puffery!
If I only had a bubble for every blow ...
Someone should tell that Huffy fred that his unbuttoned shirt flapping about like that completely ruins the Aerowind's aerodynamic properties.
Other than that, he's incredibly cool. He could supplant Cipollini!
Nice ge(c)! I had forgotten about that episode...
(Spoiler alert: she doesn't.) That's not a spoiler, it's an anti-spoiler. It means I didn't waste 2:22 (plus all that buffering time) on watching some kooky puffery.
Is one of those "art" wheels a fat bike wheel? Looks like she missed a trick there. Cutting edge my a**
Oh, and someone get this man a handkerchief. Wiping snot rockets on your glove and biking shorts: Grody.
Another day in Portland traffic ...
Sure, I'll pay Lisa to marry her beloved...as long as I can watch the consummation.
Hey heyyyyy... what a great idea! That's it. It's time for a little bit of All You Haters Lick My Pink Canoe art. I'll be a millionaire this time next year. Fer sure.
Crosspalms... LOL! Xenon the Warrior Princess indeed. :D
no helmeat and no hands - what a puffy huffy rebel
I'm back.
Had a cocktail downtown at 1:00. It's what we do in small town mid-America on Friday afternoons.
Early contenders for COD are Jayteepee 1:43, McFly 2:03, Anon 2:07, Crosspalms 2:12, and Anon 2:14.
I'm headed back in for more drinks, so somebody decide.
Have a great weekend.
I wasn't lucky enough to have an Aerowind back in the day. A buddy of mine did though. Sweet ride when you're 14.
DB is having cocktails and I'm still at work? Obviously I'm doing it wrong. At least it warmed up enough today for me to ride.
Crosspalms:
Move your family to the other side of the state and I'll have a bar stool set up for you for Friday afternoons.
Actually, Crosspalms, let me know if you want a weekend away in Galena sometime. I have connections.
I've got my SEE O TWO cartridges, balloons AND cracker at the ready for the racing season. I WILL be on the BSNYC podium. 2014 Y'all!!!!
I was from the JAMS Era......suckers were pretty pricey. WTF were we thinkin? I also had a pretty sweet SWATCH. In the Banana Republic colorway.
It got stolen in gym. I dont wanna talk about it.......
If Lisa would have stroked on that tire just a little bit more some Stans sealant may have oozed out of the stem.
Grass Skirt's ridegroom is called 'Steel' and Steel's bottom bracket is oh so tiny. I guess it's not how beefy it is, it's how you use it.
My dog wishes to point out that an attorney can also be America's Favorite Game Show Host.
The multi-talented Mr. Guy Smiley.
Ride mutifaceted all!
breathe deep
the gathering gloom
carbon monoxide be my tomb
I'd ride a million miles
for one of your smiles...
something something...
so sleepy...
maybe I should have stayed awake in chem lab...
I wish my gas was inert.
I hear-tell that back in her college days Lisa would get drunk and go home with a tandem every once in a while.
Wasn't that actually Jimmy Buffett in that Huffy commercial?
Congrats McFly at 11:06 for the win.
Everyone was funny today.
Meeting Anonymous June 20 for heroin in TriBeCa. All are welcome.
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What, no Hyundais?!!!
Motorized citibike kickstarter. DR and DE now even more miserable.
http://gizmodo.com/how-it-feels-to-ride-an-electric-citibike-1533651538
I don't buy the Cipo quote as being genuine. He always finishes by saying "Lick my balls".
Anom@142, Anom@142, Anom@142- stop Bogarting the joint.
coconut tits, indeed
Wait, what?
Taking up space!
vsk
The tandem had a recumbent room mate. He was only allowed to watch.
Well since we're reminiscing about the old days I guess i'll come clean. Yes I had the swatch. And the jams but maybe they were generic. Better yet I rocked the mullet and the Sonny Crockett jacket with T shirt.
recumbent
re cum bent
it is when male orgasms again before returning to full erection
painful
better for female - cums a second time while bent over
Lol! Daft daft daft... someone please tell me how you consummate such a union. Not consecrate.
Consummation of bike and wife:
SEAT POST
Ouch!! I dunno. I see an annulment in the not-too-distant future...
Swatch? Jams? I had a teenage boner for one of these . I never did get it. For a little more than the price of a Paramount I got a crappy old Dodge pickup. Shoulda got the bike.
OMG! That takes me back. I'd forgotten all about the days of Lacoste polo shirts and white tennis shoes...
You've gotta love the bikes, though.
You would look so good in a pink LaCoste Polo shirt and white tennis shoes. A really short one.
Here is the source to Download 300 Rise of An Empire
Hollywood is an evil force. Starve that beast to death.
Arizona just passed a law outlawing woman bike marriage because it infringes on freedom of religion of bike mechanics
Great Post...... Thank you for sharing your experiences.
CLASSIC SEASON IS UPON US! Omlet Hit Newsbad.....Knnuunnee-Brussel Sprouts-Pooone Tain.........Its supposed to snow here again. I may ride in it like the hard men of the peloton. If Babble will put the right images on her blogulation.
Funny, McFly... it's snowing here, too, so I actually do have snowy bike photos to post.
But that's not what you meant, is it?
Well of course that's what I meant. You need to get your mind out of the gutter. That other kind of stuff (T & A) is just degrading and 92.8% of the reason I get on the internet. The other 7.2% is divided between FB (AKA Cleavage.com), How To's, Beiks and the EBAY.
I cannot believe Lisa dumped me for a GT. She said a Niner quenched her carnal desires so deeply.
Imagine how I felt when she left me for a Niner. I thought she would ride my robust down tube until I was ready for the scrap heap
Since it's been a while...
I just thought...
...I might claim the 100th comment.
I got #101, which is better than 1st.
So suck my shark fin.
That was a sly tweet WCRM.
Lots of talk today about how bad this "Ukrainian Situation" is. Don't know myself, only Best Picture nominee I've seen is "Cap'n Phillips."
SNOW DAY KIDS! Time for lochs and bagels and then to hook sleds to Honda's.
WORK IS FOR WOOSIES AND LOOSERS AND GIVES HAS BALL CANCER.
I clicked on the bret-lobster-workcycles link. I'm supporting creative types without spending any money? And all it took was pretending to be interested in a bike I'm not going to buy because I'm poor, and because I own a car, and because the only times I need to move stuff I also need to move them at freeway speeds.
Is there a more hipstery corner of the internet right now? BSNYC even liked cycling before it was cool.
BamaPhred - dang, where'd you get that photo of Richie & Potsie?
McFly - SHIT I AM A LOOSER
I was shoaled TWICE today, in the rain, on a road where I rarely see another cyclist. Is it th'pocalypse?
Oh dear... I'm a loser too! The kind whose mind is really quite comfortable in the gutter. I always figured that's why we seem to see eye to eye, McFly.
How we gunna see eye to eye when I would incessantly be flanking your weak periphery to pounce DAT ASS?
RF, and any on else who wants to know. Those Schwinn catalog scans come from a link on the Waterford site, I think under Support.
Classic!
This is a nice blog. Nice bike photo collection. I also like exclusive bike Photo. You may also like
Spicy $$$ UNSEEN $$$ photo
Look up S.Mirk in the Portland phone book - there's hundreds of them
Hat pitch needs more puffery.
...wait, coconut tits shows a GT sitting next to her (and is almost seen fondling Mr. Steele), then on her page is a Surly. Is she already cheating on her fiance?
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