Monday, November 4, 2013

Just a Fly on the Wall...

Hi.

I have a very important announcement.

This Saturday, November 9th, I'll be at the Philadelphia Bike Expo, Philadelphia's premiere Bicycle Cycling Exposition:


You could leave with a free hat courtesy of the milliners over there in the right-hand margin, and I may even have some blinky lights from the blinky light people to give away too, so be there or be somewhere else.

And, well, that's the announcement.

So did you go bicycle cycling this weekend?  I did, and at one point I emerged from the woods into a clearing and came upon this, which scared the shit out of me:


Though they were probably more scared of me than I was of them, because I was wearing a suit of those "New Road" clothes from Giro.  See, Giro sent me a whole box of clothing to try for some reason, and yesterday seemed as good a day as any, since my plan was to ride for a handful of hours and then go straight to the New York City Marathon where I had plans to cheer on a friend.  Here's how Giro describes this stuff:

But modern riders demand clothes that work the way they ride, clothes for the road, trail, path and park—sometimes all in the same day. 

Well, I was going to be riding on the trail, and the path, and the road, and then I was going to be standing around in the cold in the middle of Manhattan, and I was going to be doing it all in the same day, so the Giro "New Road" clothing would appear to be the perfect choice.

Anyway, having spent most of yesterday wearing this stuff, I found some of it to be excellent, and some of it to be not so excellent.  However, I will refrain from going into specifics until such time as I've had more trail/path/road experiences with all of these garments.

I will say, though, that the "bib undershort" is patently absurd:


Basically, it's a bib short complete with chamois and all the rest of it, but it's designed specifically to be worn under "regular" shorts or pants or what have you.  To that end, it is equipped with a fly:


Okay, let's talk about the fly.  Most men's underpants come with a fly.  Now, by show of hands, how many men out there ever use that fly?


Yeah, this freak, and maybe one other freak in the back.  That's it.  The rest of us just pull the waistband down and do the "Kilroy," which has worked since time immemorial:


Given this, why take a perfectly good pair of bib shorts and ruin them with a fly?  All the fly serves to do is prevent you from ever wearing them on their own, whereas there's absolutely nothing keeping you from wearing the fly-less bib shorts you already have under a pair of regular shorts if you want to hang around after the ride without everyone seeing the outline of your phallus.

Basically, what the "bib undershort" amounts to is a $180 pair of underpants.

Sure, it's not KuKu Penthouse crazy, but it's crazy nonetheless.

I'll also add that those of us who have been riding bikes for a long time know that when your bib shorts get too worn or translucent to ride in you relegate them to under-the-pants commuting duty anyway.

This is the natural order of things, and I don't know what gives Giro the hubris that they think they can change it.

(I do fervently hope though that one day I will see an unwitting Fred wearing the Giro "bib undershort" by itself, the same way you'll sometimes see them wearing their bibs over their jerseys.)

Anyway, after rambling around in the countryside I headed "downtown" to the marathon, and as I waited for my friend I saw one of the runners drop to his knees and propose to his girlfriend, complete with ring and bouquet, which caused every woman within a five-block radius to burst into tears:


As for me, I didn't cry, nor did I surreptitiously fondle myself via the fly of my Giro New Road Bib Undershorts, because I'm made from stronger stuff than that.

Speaking of dubious "innovations," SRAM wants all their hydrolic dick and rim breaks back, because it turns out they suck:


SRAM has asked frame manufacturers to stop selling bikes fitted with recent models of RED22 and S700 Hydro Road brakes over a safety issue.

This really shouldn't make me happy, but it totally does.

Good thing I'm not wearing the Giro New Road Bib Undershorts.

Indeed, between that and Mad Fiber going out of business, it's certainly a sad day for Freds:


Seattle-based Mad Fiber developed a reputation for developing a novel approach to wheel-building. Their first road wheelset weighed 1075g.

Just when it seemed there was no bottom to the market for gimmicky wheelsets costing thousands of dollars, Mad Fiber managed to find it.

Lastly, here in New York City we're about to elect a new mayor, and The New York Times may well have found the most confused guy in Brooklyn:


Leon Katz, 78, brother to Ms. Ventre and Dr. Grossman’s uncle, said the leeway given to bicyclists, along with their lawlessness, had gotten out of control.

“New York has become pedestrian-unfriendly,” Mr. Katz said. “The sidewalks are blocked by scaffolding and vendors. You step out and you wind up in a bike lane. It’s almost impossible now to walk.”

So Mr. Katz is upset because when you walk into a freaking bike lane you are likely to encounter bicyclists, who kill slightly more than zero pedestrians a year.

Yeah, cyclists should be much more responsible, like motorists:


Putz.

He should call Delia Ephron and ask her out.

118 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy Sit, Podium!

Roille Figners said...

BAAAAA PODIO

balls™ said...

Scranus.

Fred Nifacent said...

Holy Podium Batman

Anonymous said...

I meant "shit".

2wheeler said...

top three

Name said...

TPO FIER

One Hole said...

Top Weed

CJ's Mom said...

Beaten by the dopers, AGAIN.

Fred Nifacent said...

crap - captcha got me

Serial Retrogrouch said...

scranus

Twistedlimey said...

Top Twenty?

Anonymous said...

I want gravel bib short fly underwear.

You listening Giro?

Anonymous said...

Balls

Turd Ferguson said...

Top Twenty?

Jefe said...

No podium for me.

crosspalms said...

Sit, podium, sit! Good podium.

Marcel Da Chump said...

No fly zone.

Anonymous said...

I saw the Robs Fords on US (Canada's uncomfortable genital pouch) tv this morning. What a douche!

the Jimboner said...

Founds some new dirt roads yesterday without the help of a fly.

Pisstank said...

Fob Rord scranus cleaning service

Comment deleted said...

Wake up, Sheeple (on the podium)!

Anonymous said...

Wake up, White Sheeple!

CJ's Mom said...

When CJ was a little boy, I would beat him mercilessly with a wire coat hanger (a la Joan Crawford) if I caught him peeing without using the fly front on his underpants. Of course is little peepee was (and still is) much too tiny to extend sufficiently out of the fly of his shorts so that he peed all over himself whenever he tried it. I beat him for that too. Those were just a few of the many cruelties that I visited upon him when he was a boy.

My random and savage beatings (and maybe the incest) might explain in part why he's such an ass now, but it sure was fun teaching him about how cruel and capricious the world can be.

Krakow said...

Indeed. In kale-leafy Ft Greene (my neighborhood) this weekend, another SUV driver lost control of his car, hitting another car, and jumping the curb, where he killed a 9-year-old and flattened a few others. (I don't have anything funny to add about this.)

http://nypost.com/2013/11/02/9-year-old-boy-dead-in-fort-greene-crash/

Anonymous said...

I keep having to explain to my kids that the y-front on my son's batman underpants is NOT a pocket.

Maybe this thing from Giro isn't a fly, but is actually a pocket for storing energy gel?

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Tip fofty. Sheesh.

DB said...

Anyone else wondering if McFly and Mrs. McFly had a good time this morning?

balls™ said...

DB,

Actually, no. TMI, I don't want to know.

So, were you camped out under thier window again?

babble on said...

Yes!! Thank you for asking, I did go bicycle cycling this weekend, though I didn't emerge from the woods to find anything frightening, unless deer scare you.

Um... snobbers? Though I've never had need of one, I remain convinced that flies are not necessarily a bad thing. They do provide a handy access point.

Just sayin...

Beth said...

Um... if the bike lane weren't there, wouldn't he be stepping directly into car traffic? Or did NYC streets used to have some kind of buffer zone before the Cyclist Menace rolled in?

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!

CJ's mom...good work!

Rode to NYC this weekend...there's some scary stuff going on as one approaches. What's the best route in from Westchester into Manhattan?

JB said...

Snob,
I would likely use the fly on those bib shorts (I've never owned bib shorts, I rent). I don't use my underpants (<-best word evar) flies, but I do use the fly in my long underwear. I don't think I could easily pull down the top of the bib shorts to get to the wang, with the suspenders resisting. Scranus. The end.

Anonymous said...

Wow - Giro has really outdone themselves in the overpriced trying-not-to-look-like-a-fred department. $170 for a wool polo - order me one in each color and size! It might be worth it if they put little flys over the nipples....

RoadQueen said...

Congrats to the podio placers! XO

I concur with Babble. One can never have too many handy points of access.

Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

Also, thank you, Snob, for finding a quote by a man who renders one of my theories useless: "A person is smart, people are stupid."

Apparently, that person is stupid with no help from anyone else.

Germsoc 209

Anonymous said...

Nice deal getting the free giro stuff. Will you be kitted out in select transitional bike casual clothing items and wearing a bike snob cap the philly bike thingy this weekend? I would recommend not doing that.

Anonymous said...

Fly on my balls?

Anonymous said...

For a quick wiz the Kilroy approach is definitely easier. For extended periods of access where full undressing is impratical or illegal, the fly offers a more comfortable opening. Giro should add "Glory Hole Randonneuring" to there list of possible clothing activites.

RoadQueen said...

This post really is up McFly's alley. Of course I'm sure he'd rather be out doing what he's doing than commenting right now.

Road Queer said...

I read it as select transsexual bike casual clothing, more fun that way.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

krakow...

...i was at the playground on that corner when the 'accident' happend. i was at the playground with my 7-year old on that corner. i left in the opposite direction knowing that someone was killed because it was a beautiful day and the sidewalks were packed in ft. greene.

...may the kid rest in peace.

mikeweb said...

RF - Nice job!

BTW, a family was alos run over in Ft. Greene on Saturday and a young child killed.

ge said...

It's a sad day when we can no longer buy mad fiber. I like to never say never so in the event that I ever develop mad skillz, it devestates me that I won't be able to perform them on mad fiber.

Giro made that fly white to make people buy Giro baggy shorts to go with them. Just use a black marker to colour it in and no one will know they're undershorts.

Roille Figners said...

I dunno, I'm all for handjobs, call me the pro-handjob candidate if you like, that's the very WOOD of my platform, unlike Wiener who pretends to be sorry for it, but I think all of this notwithstanding, the flys, or is it flies? on my underwear generally serve only as an annoyance - a place for the kuku to pop out of the penthouse as it were, perhaps even while looking at a Penthouse, and try to tell everybody what fuggin time it is. GET BACK IN THERE, DOWN BOY, DOWN! Do they have some shorts with a steel cage? KuKu Jail maybe? I guess that's what a male chastity belt is. I'll run right down to the gay fetish shop and get one right away.

leroy said...

According to the Gothamist, the Bronx and Fort Greene drivers who killed the pedestrians on the sidewalks have both been arrested.

In the meantime, my dog wishes to point out that the terms "Giro fly bib shorts" and "up your alley" can only be used together if the shorts were worn backwards.

mikeweb said...

I dunno RF, I tried a KuKu jail one time, but Hairy Houdini kept breaking out anyway.

I run Mad Fiber all the time. It keeps me Mad Regular.

robot checker: sitedmas.

That's what she said.

xyxax said...

The thing that really gets me is that these drivers are NOT PAYING SIDEWALK TAXES
-he shouted, capslockishly.

JB said...

[rimshot]

DerZoots said...

You people just can't stop with the CJ bizness. You need that commenter and can't admit it.

Sad.

What happened to the panties?
Those were simpler times.


Robotcatptureword: nymusti 102

CommieCanuck said...

I saw the Robs Fords on US (Canada's uncomfortable genital pouch) tv this morning. What a douche!

He's an asshole, a Fat Fuck, a liar, wife beater, and an alcoholic. But at least he doesn't smoke drugs.

Anonymous said...

Taking a leak with bib shorts is a pain in the ass. The suspenders keep you from being able to pull the front of the shorts down far enough. If you just pull your schwantz out, the elastic is kinda squeezing your urethra. And I just feel weird pulling my balls out, too, though I find that works better. You have to kinda aim up and bend over. Like pissing with morning wood.

The other option is taking your jersey off, and dropping the straps. SRSLY, who is taking their shirt off to take a leak?

I normally never use the fly in pants or undraroos. The only time I do, is with my snowboarding bibs, which requires losing your jacket and dropping bib straps to piss normal. And Carhartt bibs. I am appreciative of flys on bibs.

Those shorts + CamelBak integrated jersey = one step closer to Dune urine suit.
http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/09/evolving-or-devolving-from-comebacks-to.html

mikeweb said...

How to do 'nature breaks' in bib shorts: hike up one of the legs (I prefer the right leg) and pull your junk out the hiked up leg hole.

This worked for me wonderfully two times just this past Saturday.

CommieCanuck said...

The thing that really gets me is that these drivers are NOT PAYING SIDEWALK TAXES
-he shouted, capslockishly.


This is universal even up in America's white Yarmulke. The "I pay more taxes, thus your life doesn't matter" argument. This kicks in in middle age in white men and they turn in desperation to the editorials in the ShoppersNews with the capslock...DAMMIT I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS.

Sprucetops said...

Fat old guy smoking a cigarette won't live long enough to care.

CommieCanuck said...

...and speaking of weed, this is hilarious. Jon Stewart's staff could simply not locate a local mason jar that wasn't used to store weed.

Anonymous said...

HOW TO: PISS ON THE BIKE

Roadie style:
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2006/01/23/how-to-pee-whilst-riding-your-bike/

Trigeek steez
http://www.slowtwitch.com/mainheadings/coachcorn/evacuation.html

Spencer Smith says, "Just stand up on the bike and go." Do you pull it out the top or the bottom, I ask? "I don’t pull it out, I haven’t got the time.

mikeweb said...

Of course that method doesn't work for bib 3/4 knickers or long bib tights. In those cases I do actually remove my jersey and/ or jacket and pull the straps down. Though half disrobing to pee is something I would only do in a proper WC.

If it's so chilly that I need to wear 3/4 or full length tights and a long jersey or jacket, I wouldn't want to be exposing my junk to the elements anyway.

CommieCanuck said...

..am I like, the only guy who actually pees before he leaves home? WTF.

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck:

Men with a set feel the primal urge to mark territory. I HAVE BEEN HERE.

mikeweb said...

Truth.

The Tenafly NJ public works dept. building IS MINE.

Anonymous said...

I've always thought of the fly on underpants as a kind of "labyrinth seal". It's one of the reasons I call my unit "The Minotaur".

DB said...

When you have to pee, you set your beer down, walk into the bathroom, and take off what needs to be removed or moved and pee. Then you go outside and get on your bike.

mikeweb said...

Most of my underwear doesn't even have that fly hole.

Unless I've been unknowingly shopping in the womens' underwear department, which is entirely likely.

Roille Figners said...

entire existence of pizza spent in company of stoners

CommieCanuck said...

Men with a set feel the primal urge to mark territory. I HAVE BEEN HERE.

I thought that's what Strava was for. Peeing is less obnoxious. A little less evolution, we'd be just throwing feces.

Dooth said...

Wildcat, I see you stumbled upon my family reunion picnic...shoulda stayed for a burger. And the weed, of course.

Anonymous said...

No one uses those flies in briefs because yeah they're hard to snake it out through and pulling down pants is easy, but if you're wearing bibs under normal shorts all day, possibly with a couple layers up top,it would make it much easier than having to basically take all your clothes off in a public restroom.

Comment deleted said...

Apologies in advance.

I was having a sick revery about the possibility of temporarily storing one's urine in one's bowel cavity (again, I'm sorry -- there's no treatment for this -- I just have to live with it).

The plumbing would be quite simple, actually, and I'm sure there's a market for this among triathletes.

I then startled myself with the realization that this is probably already a thing, somewhere on the internet.

RoadQueen said...

RE: Bib peeing and having to take off your jersey - I would think that you could easily employ the same technique that women have been using to remove their bras without taking their shirts off forever. Just slip the straps of the bibs off (keeping your shirt on whilst doing so), pee, replace (using reverse order).

But then again, I'm not a bib connoisseur, so I could be wrong.

But I'm a master at getting my bra on and off without removing my shirt. YMMV.

Comment deleted said...

RQ, I always viewed that as a kind of magic trick. Please don't spoil the illusion for me.

Oh, and congrats on #69.

RoadQueen said...

CD - Thanks! #69 is something special.

Sorry, no magic. Just stretchy straps (like the bibs). That's why I'm thinking it would work.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:44pm,

I wore the things all day under shorts and with multiple layers on top and at no point was I tempted to avail myself of the fly while urinating.

I don't know what kind of weird nipple-high bib shorts people must be wearing that requires them to disrobe in order to urinate.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Euro Spondee said...

The Castelli bibs from a few years ago were the best for this - super low cut at the front to make that 'Kilroy' easier.

CC, I am sure CJ could point to the place in that Jared Diamond book he read where indigenous people didn't need Strava, because they could tell how fast you were moving by how old your pee smelt, and that is why they all went extinct when Strava came around.

Frilly Chick said...

I don't wear bibs either so I've not thought of that. Although I should give them a try cuz I can never seem to get the waistband right after I tinkle. And it HAS to be right which is damn near impossible if you're the least bit sweaty.

Is this peccadillo unique to me or does anybody else have to stop three times before it's in the right spot?

RoadQueen said...

Frilly - No, you're not alone. Drives me nuts when I can't get the waistband right, too.

I was considering the bibs earlier this summer, but then I didn't buy any. Meh.

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks RQ for validating that I'm not being all prissy! I like those shorts that are a little lower cut with the wide waistband--so comfortable on a long ride. But LOB forbid you have to go cuz that wide waistband is a total PITA to get to lay flat again. The elastic goes all wanky.

leroy said...

Oh great, my dog has been singing the Jerry Jeff Walker classic Pissin' In The Wind all afternoon.

Oh well, could be worse.

I always liked that song.

And I know to drop back if he starts singing it while riding.

the commentariat said...

Frilly, I'm no fashion expert, but if you could be so kind as to post a video of you tinkling in bike shorts, I will do my best to offer helpful suggestions as to proper post-pee waistband adjustment.

leroy said...

And in keeping with today's theme, if you ever run the NYC Marathon, you most definitely want to start the race on the top level of the Veranzano, not the bottom.

Especially if it's windy.

xyxax said...

You mean that spongy pad in bib shorts is not for soaking up the pee-pee?

McFly said...

Does that access panel work for Woodland Tug Jobs as well ?

ge said...

DerZoots 2:48 -

Ant1st!

CommieCanuck said...

look, if they wanted to make something useful, they should ditch the zipper and make a targeting retical so you can get most of the pee directly on the turtle. I thought that was obvious.

WTF...it's dark out.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

On special occasions I may use the fly of my fine silk boxers.

I don't wear bib shorts so will refrain from commenting.

Anonymous said...

Mad Fiber's co-owner, who had nothing to do with the bad decisions that choked the company, has opened a new venture making tyres called Angry Turds

Freddy Murcks said...

RQ and Frilly - Women don't often wear bibs so you're probably not alone in your shorts-only thing. I have wondered about it, but I have never had the opportunity to ask why. Perhaps it's related to the pee issue. I have also thought that it might be due to the bib tops being uncomfortable/awkward in the breastular area.

Sincerely,
Freddy

entuadm 127

Anonymous said...

Now that I think about it more, I think one of my main aversions to spando on men is the lack of fly.

This is the main way I judge underoos.
fly = proper men's underwear. Briefs, boxer briefs, and boxers are all acceptable.
No fly = panties.
Banana hammocks with no fly = for tossers and euros.

The only exception is the elephant trunk bikinis, cuz you can piss out the end of the trunk.

I own bib shorts, but rarely wear them. SHIT IS GOING TO BE EPIC, for me to bust out the chamois.

My taint is hard like a catcher's mitt. Judge the fuck out of a dood with soft hands.

Gloves = bitch mittens.

Judge the fuck out of a cyclists with soft scranii

DB said...

Many funny comments today, but I'm going with Mikeweb at 3:21.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roille Figners said...

Personally I liked the one about "Mad Regular" best

leroy said...

Giro bib shorts focus group

Anonymous said...

Bill Murray = spirit animal

When I was indulging my Bukowski delusions, I did not wear undaroos and the same pair of jeans for weeks.

RAW PHEROMONES.

GQ and Men's Health are written by homesexuals. Adhere to their advice, if you are trying to attract gay men. The exact opposite of their advice = moist panties.

Anonymous said...

Hey, BSRivertowns! I'm glad you're enjoying Jay Gould's old mansion...Did you find an old octagonal house on your way up there?

Roille Figners said...

GQ is BS??!! OH SURE, next you'll try to tell me biking magazines aren't giving me the best advice about how to do the biking! Like it was some far-fetched "advertising" conspiracy. Yeah try again nutjob!

DB said...

Rollie:
That was on the short list today.

McFly said...

I just do the Reverse Gilroy where I snake my junk out the bottom of my right short cuff. Sometimes I forget to put it back up which makes for interesting SAG rest stops.

Sooper Pooper said...

I'm still waiting for bib shorts with a back door trap door to drop.

Bogusboy said...

Wouldn't know about bibs. Never owned a pair. Never could understand the point.

Maybe it's a Fred thing?

Anonymous said...

Freds are all about the padded under shorts. With, or without nylon shorts on top. + T shirt

Lances are bibs > all

Anonymous said...

1hundy

Anonymous said...

Hey Sooper Pooper, who gives a shit.

CycloXdresser said...

RQ. In the name of easy peeing, should I put my bra on before my bib shorts or after?

Grump said...

What the heck????
.
"pull the waistband down".....Is this an East coast thing?????
Here in the second city, you unzip, grab the leg hole, and pull it over to expose your hose.

PS Those bibs in the picture are bib knickers. With bib knickers, or bib tights, don't plan on peeing. This is why people in the know wear bibs and knee warmers in cool weather, or two pairs of bibs in cold weather.......dammit.
.

Anonymous said...

If Giro really wanted to show the "new road" quality of their clothes why not have the riders ride between the rails on their "The Story" page. http://www.giro.com/us_en/newroad/#intro

Anonymous said...

rural 14...take the south county trailway...check on the google maps also, their directions section has a bike function

Anonymous said...

The bib knickers are dumb, but where did they get the tattoo sleeved hipster model? Heroin chic!

McFly said...

Yo snob try to remember that tomorrow is Titty Tuesday. I was off so I need extra motivation for Residual Monday.

Anonymous said...

judge the fuck not, lest yee be judged the fuck

ya fuck

ChamoisJuiceImpersonatrix said...

I'm not reading these comments.

Anonymous said...

69% of white males had at least one experience with a prostitute (Kinsey, Martin, Gebhard, 1948).

Anonymous said...


"The bib knickers are dumb, but where did they get the tattoo sleeved hipster model? Heroin chic!"

-----------------------------------

Proof that the average North American male has no idea how a normal person looks. I am sorry for your weight problem.

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BamaPhred said...

Successfully executed a bibshorts Kilroy yesterday. Don't hate on my bibshorts, I'm sparing the world Killer Krack.

E.A Poe said...

"downtown"? Spoken like a true Bronxite.

McFly said...

The Canada as broken down by the America.

Anonymous said...

yeah, that's cute

pankaj kujjur said...

Nice Bolg