Monday, September 22, 2008

Evolving or Devolving? From Comebacks to CamelBaks


(Image by Greg)

Few things are as rewarding as helping to embroider an idea onto the cultural fabric. As such, I was very pleased to receive from a reader a piece of art incorporating the beloved "All You Haters Suck My Balls" rim.

In these troubled times, we need an inspirational slogan to rally around, and I feel that "All You Haters Suck My Balls" may very well be that slogan. Yesterday, a number of commenters even suggested emblazoning it on merchandise, and indeed the artist who sent me this image also suggested that I register the URL. However, I refuse to do either. Firstly, the slogan doesn't belong to me. I like to think it belongs to all of us, though technically it belongs to the person who first expressed it on his lime-green rim with twenty-three vinyl stick-on letters. (I can't help imagining that, as he applied the second "L" in "balls," he shivered slightly with the dawning awareness he was doing something great.)

Secondly, our culture is far too commodified as it is. As soon as anybody expresses any interest in anything, someone else comes along and tries to package it and sell it. Worse yet, all too often we are willing to buy, as though an idea isn't legitimate until we've paid money for it. And that's simply not true. The AYHSMB sentiment is priceless, and as soon as you affix a price to it you cheapen it, no matter what that price may be. And I refuse to participate in the cheapening of "All You Haters Suck My Balls." Instead, I choose to meditate on it. If you find yourself with a free moment today, close your eyes and imagine actor Morgan Freeman's voice intoning the mantra "All You Haters Suck My Balls." I think you'll find it surprisingly transformative.

Unfortunately though, it may be naive of me to think we can share a slogan when we can barely share the bike path. I came upon this distressing accident report yesterday on Craigslist:




Bicycle on Bicycle on Runner Collision, West Side HWY - 35 (Midtown West)
Reply to: pers-[deleted]
Date: 2008-09-22, 4:11AM EDT

Me, riding North on West Side bike path, white helmet, black jersey.

Other cyclist, red jersey or helmet, big guy going South in North-bound lane. Dude, are you OK? You nailed me! I turned around after a sec and I think you were gone. I realize that it was crowded, but if you are going to pass people by straying into the oncoming bike traffic, you better be able to pull it off. Also, you didn't stop to see if I was OK. I hit a runner jogging next to me!

Runner, jogging next to me. You were a mean super bitch! I just got hit head on by another rider! What the fuck is YOUR problem? Yes I bumped into you while trying not to do a faceplant on the pavement. You acted like I raped your baby. I apologized and asked if you were OK. You gave dirty looks and huffed and put your precious earbuds back in. Homework: be nice to a random stranger tomorrow.


While this was posted in "Missed Connections," it would appear that they connected quite effectively. Indeed, this sounds like a textbook example of bike path clustercoitus. While ostensibly a car-free haven for bicyclists, in reality the bike path presents a whole new set of dangers which, in its own way, is even worse than what you encounter on the streets. For example, when you're in city traffic, the bike salmon coming straight at you is often at least some grizzled messenger with a steely gaze and sharp bike handling skills with the wherewithal to avoid you. On the other hand, on the bike path, it's usually some saucer-eyed novice who's in that dangerous stage of road bike ownership when you want to start playing with speed but you haven't quite mastered things like which which lever shifts the bike and which one stops it.

Similarly, on the streets, the most common non-bicycle you're forced to interact with is cars. They can be frustrating--deadly in fact--but at least their turning radius is limited and they don't tend to abruptly about-face right into you like runners do. The car-vs-bike thing may get all the press, but anybody who's been forced to share the road with a runner knows that's where the real acrimony lies. And the fact that runners are constantly turning around in front of you as though they forgot something important they had to do at home is compounded by the fact that they're also always wearing headphones--mostly because running is the most boring thing you can do on two feet besides standing still.

That may be why Lance Armstrong is consigning his running shoes to the back of his closet and getting back on the bike. And while the world waits for him to announce his plans, all eyes turn to Viatcheslav Ekimov--who, it turns out, has no comeback plans whatsoever:



I'm not sure why VeloNews felt that Ekimov's non-return to the peloton was newsworthy. Certainly nobody actually thought he might actually be coming back in the first place. I mean, that guy's old. In fact, if you check his Wikipedia page you'll see he actually won a stage of the Tour of Pangea. I suppose next they'll track down Lance Armstrong's eighth grade social studies teacher and find out if she's considering putting the knitting needles down and returning to the chalkboard. I heard that after a lengthy discussion with her cats they all decided it was the right thing to do.

Of course, the real breaking news is out on the streets. A reader has forwarded me this vexing picture of a bicycle which appears to be in the process of evolving (or devolving) into a fixed-gear:

This is a fascinating find, and is in many ways the equivalent of spotting a yeti or a sasquatch--it's a bridge between two related species. Yet it also bears hallmarks of the platypus, in that it also has traits of completely unrelated species. Take a closer look at this diagram:


The 700c rear wheel and the lack of a brake indicate that this bicycle is on its way to fixed-gear country. This would appear to be reinfored by the fact that it's an older Klein, and as such is equipped with rear-entry horizontal dropouts, which is not nearly as sordid as it sounds and makes it ripe for fixed-gear conversion. The flop-and-chop bars also speak of a fixed future. However, one loses the fixed-gear scent when one comes to the levers. Certainly nobody would invest in costly STI levers if they were thinking of going fixed. Yet if this is the case, why no rear brake? I mean, sure, you probably couldn't get the brake pads to line up with the 700c rim, but in that case why not go back to the original 26" setup? Perhaps this bike is not evolving, and is in fact an evolutionary dead end--kind of like the Neanderthals. Alas, we may never know.

Personally, though, if this bike is on its way to becoming a fixed-gear I would stop and reverse the transformation if I were the owner. That Klein is a vintage mountain bike, and vintage mountain bikes are all the rage. Indeed, an old Breezer recently cracked the $10K barrier on eBay (without even meeting the reserve!):

If you're reading this outside of the United States, US$10,000 is almost €200. So we're talking a lot of money.

But how to hydrate yourself on your new/old mountain bike? Sure, bottles are period-correct, but they're so unwieldy. Why not be a rolling anachronism with the CamelBak RaceBak?


A reader recently brought this to my attention, and while I have absolutely no problem with hydration systems in principle, in practice they frighten me. In this case, it's partially the copy: "You've got a hydration hose just inches from your face, there are no dodgy moments...," it says. Well, I'd argue if you've got a hose just inches from your face then things have gotten quite dodgy indeed. Plus, I have an irrational fear of carrying fluids on my body. Not only because I feel like a giant blister, but also because I fear it hastens evolution and that really scares me. Even though there's no scientific basis for this fear, I still think that if people continue to wear hydration systems we'll ultimately be born with them. Aero gear scares me for the same reason--it's only a matter of time before somebody somewhere is born with a completely hairless, pointy, faired head.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not a techno-phobe. I'm perfectly fine with the fact that the Internet is becoming our collective memory and consciousness, even if that collective consciousness does contain a disproportionate number of YouTube videos. I guess I'm just fine with the mind changing but not the body. I think that (for the most part) we've got a nice balance of hair and smoothness, and of teeth and no teeth. I just don't want us getting all Pillsbury Doughboy-ish.

Then again, CamelBak may be wisely banking on a Dune-like future. The RaceBak is eerily similar conceptually to the "stillsuit" Kyle McLoughlin wore in the movie, in that both are basically suits filled with water:




Except at least the CamelBak thing doesn't involve drinking your own pee. That could be why Sting opted for the winged codpiece instead:


In any case, I find hydration systems scary no matter which way you look at them. Check this out, from CamelBak's own site:


Like the Klein above, I can't decide of hydration systems are evolution or devolution. All I know is, I'm scared.

172 comments:

kale said...

Podumb
repeat...

Anonymous said...

thump.

levi said...

levi

levi said...

levi

illumination for Augustan said...

did i make it?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Bike Freak said...

Top Ten!

Mark said...

Top Ten

Anonymous said...

9th!! YESSSS!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Wwhhaa POW!

Daddo said...

Sting was in my biek shop just this past weekend.

ken (is timid) said...

pack fill, fail!

Caaah said...

Surgical camelback implants to follow...

Anonymous said...

I'm going to get AYHSMB custom painted on a set of Lightweights through their new paint program. Hey, at only 10% more than the cost of the wheels, why not?

Also, interesting to see Sting here. I saw him in a bike shop in Boston on Saturday morning.

Slappy said...

Umm, your hump is leaking.

Daddo said...

yep, 3:05 - Landry's on Comm ave.

tobias fünke said...

I see nothing wrong with having a "hose" inches from your face -- it just allows you to get it in your mouth quicker!

kale said...

The intened use for that... that thing would be for getting GHB into music festivals.

AH said...

Meh, drinking your own pee ain't so bad.

camelbak inc. said...

All you haters suck my bag.

Brendan said...

Runners may be shady, but no single pathlete is as shifty as the indignant rollerblader imho..

Lucky 7 said...

It's basically a micro-sandwich.

Lance Armstrong and Frankie Andreu shared knuck tat:

SUCK BALL


A

anon 3:05 said...

Yep Daddo. And interestingly enough, he was buying a yellow jacket and attempting to buy a yellow jersey.

Tits McGee said...

You can't beat a good length of hose in your mouth.

Anonymous said...

"bite nips"

The Big Green Eddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

All you biters suck my hose

The Big Green Eddy said...

Indignant rollerbladers are the surest sign of devolution I know of.

Critical Ass said...

***Runners may be shady, but no single pathlete is as shifty as the indignant rollerblader imho..***

...except maybe the iPod wearing rollerblading c*nt with two large dogs on retractable leashes on the Cherry Creek path this morning. The closer you get to REI and the "Highlands Bridge", the more douchebags of various kinds you encounter. At least the ghetto folk at the other end of the trail by the dam have a little respect for bikes. Oops, I forgot, this blog is about NYC...

TJ Eckleburg said...

I rode my bike in my winged cod piece this weekend, its made from real cod.

A. Homer Hilsen said...

You really should try a wool codpiece, if for no other reason than respect for the olfactory senses of your neighbors.

g said...

Rollerblader with a baby jogger.
"NONE SHALL PASS"

erik k said...

ASMB with bling

broomie said...

All you suckers hate my balls

..or something.

Bump to rollerbladers on the path. They take up the same space as 3 runners.

Speaking of people who run, at least triathletes know how annoying runners can be to cyclists. Most of us do our best not be a nuisance. That's why I run on trails, so I only annoy people on their mountainbikes.

A precious moment was during a 10k trail run event. Some guy apparently didn't notice the huge Clock and finish chute and took his rig onto the course with about 500 runners, and then acted put out that there where people on the course. I didn't notice if he had a camelbak, but it did seem to bother him that most of us were passing him on the hills.

Norman said...

All Your Haters Suck To Us Balls

Anonymous said...

Rollerbladers are the absolute worst people to share a bike path with. Especially the ones who swing right and left, giving them the effective footprint of a large SUV. I like to pull up next to them and gradually box them in, until they have to either slow down or reduce the range of their swinging motion to an awkward tap dance. Naturally I pretend I can't hear or see them, which is only fair.

Jim said...

Indignant rollerbladers are the surest sign of devolution I know of.

"Indignant"? Is that the new street slang for for "gay"? If so, is it okay for straight people to walk around talking about all their totally "indignant" friends to show how they're cool with it? And is Letle Viride indignant about Lance's possible return to Astana?

And what's up with the vicious attacks on the winged winged cod, and their pieces? I've seen them flying around the fish market for a couple years now and they're okay fish, for what that's worth.

Commiecanuk said...

Methinks that c*nt must have been Andrea Peyser, that would be ironic if she were one of the many poor pedestrians Peysered down every year in Manhattan, with numbers now OUT OF CONTROL with DOUBLE DIGITS, divided by two, and take away another two, or more.

I like the last pic, I'm not bothered at all by the idea of grown men in camouflage hunting large, stupid poultry with military efficiency. When the King of England comes knocking, or aggressive, dimwitted feathered aliens attack, these men will carpe the diem.

Anonymous said...

I come down the Capitol Crescent from Maryland to DC in the evening and the real problem (other than dogs) are the northbound bike commuters with flood light like lights fixed to their handle bars. They are worse than car high beams. I can't see past them and it takes me a few moments to clear the sun spots out of my eyes. I ride blind for 15 seconds at 20 mph.

Point those towards the ground so they don't blind those coming the other direction.

Anonymous said...

Rollerbladers with extra long ski poles.

Commiecanuk said...

What do you think is going through Sting's mind in that photo?
"I used to be the lead singer of the coolest band...led a generation with Quadrophenia, now I'm in a shitty hack film destroying good science fiction in a leather diaper while coated in vaseline...shit...could be worse, I could be Bono..."

Stevie Wonder said...

"I ride blind for 15 seconds at 20 mph. "

Matt Boulanger said...

Why is it that bike paths generate rollerbladers? I was as big a rollerblader as any in high school in the early 90s,but I gave it up a long time ago and finally dumpstered my blades a few years ago. Now I move back to an area with a good bike path and it's like 1995 never left! It mostly seems to be 50-something guys who got into it 10+ years ago- they are out there, they are dead serious, and there's just no passing them. Rollerblading with a Camelback would be like throwing back to the mid 90's while reaching forward to the early 2000's.

g said...

I change my vote to Stevie Wonder riding at 20 mph as the scariest thing on the bike path.

Cognorant said...

What I hate, what I really, really hate is the runners in the bike lane on Summit Ave. in St. Paul. Holy Crap! they have big beautiful sidewalks and center buolevard about 40' wide with a path down the middle, the roller bladers I can deal with because their options are limited but the runners? What the hell? Makes me a hater, and I don't like being in the position of having to disobey the AYHSMB sentiment. If there's one thing in life I will never suck...

Greg said...

So it took about 30 minutes for someone to register the domain!

Mark said...

Don't give Camel any more ideas, they might try to invent the "Suck My Balls" version of the Stillsuit, where it will wick all the moisture off your body, your balls (or vagina), taint, urine, dootie, filter it, and pump it back into you intravenously. Mmmm, yum!

Il Cobra said...

no one asked me about a comeback!

MrMook said...

So the "hands-free hydration" claim really doesn't....uh...hold water....when placed over a photo of a guy using one of his hands to hydrate himself. Unless they're implying that their system allows you to hydrate yourself with only one hand instead of both, in which case it has no advantages over a water bottle.

Michael Ball said...

ALL YOU HATERS CAN SUCK ME

stack-up said...

DUNE REFERENCE!!!! HELLS YEAH!!!!!!!!!

bikesgonewild said...

...a lively little post...savory quality w/ a bit of a strong after bite & a hint of balls...

...re: "all eyes turn to Viatcheslav Ekimov--who, it turns out, has no comeback plans whatsoever:::I mean, that guy's old. In fact, if you check his Wikipedia page you'll see he actually won a stage of the Tour of Pangaea."...

...w/ all due respect, as i've been nothing but supportive bsnyc/rtms, but fuck that nonsense...i was at that race
, working w/ eki & the techtonics team which means you're pointing it out that i'm like really, really, really old...

...& if you mention the 'tour of pangaea' & the continental divide, yer not talking about colorado, pal...

...btw, snob, you spelled pangaea wrong, which proves you weren't there...

...just paleolithic-ly sayin'...

Anonymous said...

all your hater are belong to suck

Anonymous said...

commie, did you mean roxanne? jusy wondering

Gerchof Sirdribeldik said...

Angry citizens to aspirate the testicles.

genersal lsmenedd said...

following the logic, shouldnt cyclists have biologically evolved already into two distinct species:

those with spd feet and those with look feet?

frilly said...

When I first glanced at that camelbak picture I thought it was some kind of new mono-boob-compression sports bra thing.

Ouch.

JPB said...

Frilly,

Kinda like a cross between wearable hydration and a water bra?

JPB said...

Quick, somebady patent the Hydration Bra!

Scott said...

"horizontal dropout" is an oxymoron. Just ask Sheldon Brown. (I know, but He is still alive on the internets).

frilly said...

Yeah, that combo might require some explanation as the day progressed.

Saturday there was some lady with three dogs on the bike path in Forest Park. I was having Sandy Casar flashbacks.

Anonymous said...

and the most highly evolved cyclists: those that don't need dopey duck shoes, hydration systems, ridiculous sunglasses, or ladies support garments in order to have fun riding bicycles.

Anonymous said...

and the most highly evolved cyclists: those that don't need dopey duck shoes, hydration systems, ridiculous sunglasses, or ladies support garments in order to have fun riding bicycles.

Stuggy said...

ant1, I just have to tell you that your daily random postings of "ant1st!" have somehow become very comforting to me. Please keep up the good work!

Scott said...

commiecanuk said...
What do you think is going through Sting's mind in that photo?
"I used to be the lead singer of the coolest band...led a generation with Quadrophenia,


Uhhh. Did I miss something, or did you just mash up the Who and the Police.

Anonymous said...

Oh wait, I forgot... REAL cyclists don't ride bikes for fun. They ride to suffer. And look ridiculous.

kale said...

Anyone know how to better edit wikipedia pages? They keep wanting to delete the ATHSMB page.

ant1 said...

Stuggy, I do what I can, and I'm glad it's appreciated. But I have to bow down to Kale's Podumb pic. I hope that one stays with us for a while.

Morgan said...

Mr. Literalist invokes a yellow card: if one's balls were in fact offered to a hater to suck, it would stand to reason said hater would react in a hateful fashion and the balls proferred for suction would indeed be accorded nasty treatment.

Maybe our social commentator could more safely notate his hoop with, 'Haters suck balls, and like it!' thereby removing potential downstream consequence to the old balls.

streepo said...

last!!!

frilly said...

anon 4:50,4:51-I might agree with you on 3 of the 4 depending on the distance. However #4 is a must, these babies require containment!

'Nuff said.

Anonymous said...

There is one and only one reason for a camelback:

Trail riding where the horsies poop.

Your front knobby's flinging horseturd onto your bottle cap until you pick it up and stick it in your pie hole.

Anonymous said...

Rear Brake on inside of seatstay to fit 700c wheel.

the geico caveman said...

Please stop calling me an evolutionary dead end.

ant1 said...

anon 5:17 - another reason for a camelbak - going for a "longer than 2 bottles" mtn bike ride.

kale said...

anon 5:17

No shit. I used to ride Mt. Diablo (Bay Area, CA) and that was some gross shit sometimes. There were open cattle ranches, which is way worse than horseshit when it's 90 deg out and like Satan's Hostess Cupcake, with a creamy filling. I just wore a fanny pack with a bottle in it, because that shit flew everywhere, eyes, mouth whatever.

It was still fun.

Maybe the female version shouldn't be fake boobs, but the CamelToe, instead.

Admiral Crunch said...

Snob, I wouldn't worry about hydration systems causing humans to develop some sort of camel hump analogue. That's simply the Lamarckian fallacy of the heritability of acquired traits.

Hydration systems morphing into stillsuits...well that's a completely different matter. The spice must flow!

cornhole said...

like dont fuck with sting hes a musical genius id dont really care if once he got dressed up like a fucking fag

tex said...

Once?

Caaah said...

All this talk about balls is making me see balls everywhere. Now when I ride behind guys that have developed really odd calf muscles--you know, the kind that look like two racquetballs under their skin--I call them "leg testicles".

areUpake? said...

kale, you might want to try urban dictionary instead, wiki "tries" to keep itself classy and somewhat academic... weather that works or not is a personal decision

My balls said...

All you haters suck.

JPB said...

So, I am assuming, based on all the comments concerning the limited uses for CamelBaks, that most people here do not spend much time on the trails.

Other than the previosly mentioned horse shitty reasons for using a CamelBak (on the trail)another very good reason is to carry tools for trailside repairs. Unless of course you prefer just to ride with somebody already carrying tools.

Depending on where I ride and how far from civilization I plan to be, I may also carry food, first aid supplies, spare derailleurs, spare cables, tubes, an extra layer of clothes and possibly shin, knee and elbow pads for downhilling. Other than that, CamelBaks are completely useless.

Also, if you are riding road, they are totally lame.

KanyonKris said...

All you haters suck my bottles

Anonymous said...

CODP IECE

DUNE RULZ

indignant rollerblader said...

Outa my way, assholes!

Greg said...

http://www.allyouhaterssuckmyballs.com/

Ha, Nice!

Shai hulud said...

I don't really like to bring any water at all. I don't know what the big deal is, anyway.

Anonymous said...

Father!, the sleeper has awaken!

giantbikerider said said...

All you haters can suck my spice worm!

Mother superior Gaius Helen Mohiam said...

The CamelPak is handy for carrying the Gom Jabbar on long rides.

Anonymous said...

JPB,

I'm sure helmet mounted mirror enthusiasts could come up with a list equally as passionate, practical as your defense of camelbaks.

They are still HELLA CORNY BRA!

Pinball Wizard said...

Scott,

Sting was in the film "Quadrophenia." No mashing there...

tex said...

JPB is obviously someone who has been on a real mountain bike ride. Those of us who have do not give a flying fuck what some twit in a plastic clown suit thinks about camelbaks. One reason we ride mountain bikes is to get away from you fools.

kale said...

I think the problem isn't with Camelbaks as much as it is with the CamelCorset thing.

JBP - I don't know about you, but I ride mountain with a support group on ATVs that can shuttle me, my 50lb bike, and 50lb Park Tools Home Mechanics set whenever I call them on my 2-way. Oh, and they bring me tons of Fiji water.

Matt Boulanger said...

The worst part about helmet-mounted mirrors is that once you get used to seeing what is coming up behind you, it's really hard to not use one. I know I look like a tool with my bell metropolis anyway, though, and taking the visor/mirror off doesn't make it much of a roadie helmet anyway.

anon 6:43 said...

I'd rather die pretty than be seen with something so gauche.

JPB said...

Anon 6:43,

In addition to my totally awesome Camelbak, I also sport a helemt mirror so I can look at how cool my Camelbak is while I am wearing it. Sweet!

I also like arm warmers and jerseys with the sleeves torn off.

bruce willis said...

leave my rollerblades out of this!

edwin neal said...

lick my plate you dog dick!!!

Anonymous said...

" 'This is as good a computer as you had a few years ago,' said Google’s co-founder Larry Page, who along with the company’s other co-founder, Sergey Brin, arrived on roller blades at the New York stage where the companies held a news conference."

luda may said...

JUNIOR! Better be out there with them dogs!

Anonymous said...

I get it now. BSNYC is similar to Vonneguts Mother Night. He is in fact a fixed gear freestyler - blogging under a false identity, stirring up the anti fgf's with anger - only to secretly convey to the fgf's what should be done to move the fgf lifestyle forward (Rapha scarfs, AYHSMB rims...)

cleaver.

wishiwasmerckx said...

JPB, if I may ask, what brand of bike trailer do you attach to your mountain bike to transport your lengthy list of accoutrements? BTW, the boy scout motto' "Be Prepared," is largely aspirational; I fear that you take it just a little too literally.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 7:15, cleaver, indeed, although I took Snob to be more of the axe murderer type.

tex said...

Why do I get the feeling some of y'all couldn't even lift my hydration pack? Let alone deal with a night in the woods!

Wimps.

Yaraslav Popovych said...

All you Cadels suck my wheel, you to Letle. Especially stage 16 Frilly

Anonymous said...

The klein dropouts are definitely not horizontal, though they are made for the rear entry.

Anonymous said...

hey people - the term is "fruit booters."

Anonymous said...

The new Camelbak consists of a hose straight from your wang !

Anonymous said...

Oh BikeSnob, please help this young man. His social life was stolen!

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/bik/852649351.html

perhaps a charity drive for us to replace his "rare" "unique" windsor bike... i think they are about $2.54 nowadays.

Anonymous said...

Tex, why do I hear the banjo music from "Deliverance" playing when I read your post?

Foghorn Leghorn said...

Ah say! Ah say we git a posse together and go hunt down the thievin' varmints! Then we make 'em ride a track bike all over town, wearin' a camelbak and a helmet with a mirror!

tex said...

Anon 8:11

Hmmm, that has a familiar ring to it. Anyway, that's not the music from Deliverance, you dumb shit. Hell, it ain't even a banjo. Google dobro. It's probably good you sissies stay the hell out of the woods. The bears might get some disease from eatin' y'all.

Andy Pandy said...

Dawning of something great. Hogwash, more like the apes at the beginning of “2001 A Space Oddity”. Just before they started whaling a torrent of blows on their rivals heads with a bone, or a lime green aero wheel in this case

And Frills, I live by Ian Hunter’s song as my mantra, Once bitten twice shy Babe. And don’t waste your time on AC, get in tight with the Tommke, I reckon he has far more fun….. if you know what I mean. And the platypus has survived ,evolved and flourished for millions of years, and I hope that bike vapourises sometime soon

JPB said...

wishiwasmerckx,

I don't need a trailer, I just ride very slowly.

(k) on too much sugar said...

camel-bak, a great idea until you endo onto 2 point whatever litres of algea coloured fluid! bath-water from a giant heat-sink never tasted so good.

Russ said...

I only hope that someone who reads this blog is a screenwriter, and they manage to work "All you haters suck my balls" into an actual Morgan Freeman script. Perhaps when he reprises his role as God in "YOUR NAME HERE Almighty."

Anonymous said...

I got bitten by a German Shepherd on a bike path this weekend. The thing took a big enough chunk out that they had to staple me back up at the hospital. The beast clearly had a thing about cyclists. As I sat there waiting for the cops, I watched the dog go crazy barking at every cyclist that went by. Why was it getting walked ON A BIKE PATH.

Scott said...

Camel back straps make you sweat like a mo-fo when its hot. Good thing you got all that water.

Anonymous said...

I thought that all the guys that went hunting drank Dan Jackels

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 9:11, Waste no time -- call Daniella Levi, Esq. right away. (212)580-9800. Tell her Bikesnobnyc gave you her number.

cognorant said...

Anon 5:17


I'll beg to differ, another legit reason to use a camelback is winter commuting in the north. Try drinking from a frozen water bottle covered with road salt...you can also hide it pretty well under some cold weather gear, it helps keep you warm and you can take it off and hide it away in the spring when the roads dry off. No one need ever know.

Anonymous said...

the thoughts are acquiring speed, here...

I suppose ball washing could lead to the lips acquiring stains...?

...a warning indeed.

Daniel! said...

Allyouhaterssuckmyballs.com (or whatever) is fucking pathetic. You know this Bikesnob guys eats and shits, too, right? Like, he's funny and all, but goddamn. Doesn't registering a domain cost money?

leroy said...

Newbie in line skaters on bike path -- much scarier from traffic and evolution aspect.

bikesgonewild said...

...dammit, leroy...i have faith that you can offer us more than this paltry 1.25 line post...

...now get back at it & give us a real subject line to subject line to conclusion line post...

...you're much better & more eloquent than this, correct as it may be...

...under the weather ???...

...just noticin'...

Norman said...

All Balls Haters My Suck You

Scat Freek said...

ALL YOU HATERS NIBBLE THE CORN OUT OF MY SHITS

Dale said...

speaking of things to that may prompt haters to come out of the proverbial cracks in the wall, I just saw this puppy on FGG:

http://fixedgeargallery.com/2008/sept/3/EnzoEsposito.htm

Alan Smithee said...

@
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/bik/852649351.html

One of the 3 "unique" characteristics of this bike is "The front tire is a Celeste Vittoria Rubino Pro II (out of production)."

Glad to know someone's worried about their out of production tires. If the bike is returned w/o the front tire, is it even worth it anymore?

"There goes my social life..."

This non-sleeper is awake. Time for bed.

--4:22 A.M.

David Lynch said...

^^^

I wish to be dissociated with this comment.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Smithee

Anonymous said...

the bike trend ends when the codpiece comes into play: ask the black panthers how that went for them....

Anonymous said...

just seems like it should be "sweaty balls" - more poetic

kale said...

dale 2:43 @ http://fixedgeargallery.com/2008/sept/3/EnzoEsposito.htm

-Holy knee knock: brings bowlegged pedaling to a new height. And are those 20 spoke rims enough to support that thing if it's actually ridden?
-I would have chosen OSB over the birch, personally.

I said...

Re: EnzoEsposito bike. What's the thingy on the rear hub called? I remember one of those on my dad's bike back in the 70s.

Your 70's dad said...

Fag tag.

Andrew Jackson said...

Beaver board would be way too whippy. Baltic birch is nice to work with, if you have to use a cellulose-resin composite. I like to use hickory axe handles myself. Laterally stiff, vertically defiant, tough as hell and they come in some nice aero shapes.

Yosemite Sam said...

Tarnations! I ride a recumbent made with a single Douglas fir log! The wheels are off of a 1963 Roll-Fast. The handle bars are Nitto (NJS), of course. BACK OFF!

frilly said...

I'm getting a restraining order Yaraslav.

Anonymous said...

the wearable hydration 72 ounce thing is retarded and disgusting

pressed in bb said...

I think that Klein is on its way to becoming a 29er. The rear wheel is already there. A caliper brake on the back would clear the old canti studs with no trouble, but maybe that stud for the brake booster doodad doesn't want to come out. The U lock would not work very well with any kind of brake in the way, though. Anyway, I'll bet the owner is just still trying to find a fork that will fit the oddball headset size and take a 700c wheel. Maybe one of those new carbon forks with the oversized lower bearing that keeps them from breaking off too fast would work, but then there would be no provision for a real front brake. Also, the newish Alivio drivetrain seems to be pointing to mountain bike. Nice touch.

Commiecanuk said...

Scotty..tsk, tsk, .before the Police, Sting acted in Quadrophenia, the movie.

Now he saves rain forests with his own urine or some shit like that.

Commiecanuk said...

BGW: the Tour of Pangaea, those were the good ol' days, was I crazy, or did that tour seem to get longer every year?

Anonymous said...

Wait... the evolution bike also has all the cables necessary for a full set of brakes... what's that rear brake cable connect to?

kale said...

OMG this is the funniest shit ever!

Sick Track Bike Tricks

streepo said...

haters sucked all my balls

bikesgonewild said...

...commiecanuk...the tour of pangaea seemed to spread all over the world...'back in the day'...

Anonymous said...

a fixie rider passed me last night in the bike lane and yelled "how are those gears working out for you dude?"...maybe he needs that rim now since he is practically asking people to hate him

ant1 said...

Where the hell is Snobby today?

kale said...

Hunting for photos on the bike path, apparently. Or karma intervened and he had a rollerblader on jogger on bike salmon accident this morning.

mary said...

i don't know...

Daddo said...

my gears are just fine thanks, how's that flaccid penis working out?

John said...

Huh?, what just happened? I was googling "Tour of Pangaea" and the next thing I know a couple hours have gone by and I'm none the wiser after reading probably 50 pages of updates of a couple sailing the world in the late 90's in their boat, the Pangaea!

What the hell??? Do I still have a job here? My head hurts. Someone suck my balls.

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1...undoubtedly having cocktails w/ lance, bill clinton, mayor bloomberg, bono, al gore & the gang, after the clinton global initiative annual meeting...

...the bike snob nyc blog is just the 'small potatoes' he amuses himself w/ now that he's a worldwide bicycle consultant to kings, prime ministers & potentates...

Anonymous said...

commie

Before the Police Sting was a schoolteacher. Quadrophenia came later.

ant1 said...

I guess that's the snobby thing to do: hang out with people much better than us. Can't blame him though, hanging out with slick willy and bono is a much better way to get chicks than on the internet with a bunch of dudes who like to wear spandex. But don't get me wrong, I am proud of my role as mere rung on snobby's ladder to the stars.

Andy Summers said...

After the Police, Sting became a douche.

Lucky 7 said...

Camelbak: Now available for Mountain Bikers in blaze orange (not shown) and full camo for Mountain Biker hunters (pictured).


A

frilly said...

I'm feeling slightly miffed by that comment Mr. Ant.

Here I was all set to leave my blogger picture thingy on your comments. Hmmph.

All right truth be told I forgot my password. Having a blonde moment.

vegas kid said...

Isn't he here at the Interbike show?

ant1 said...

Sorry Frilly - I was thinking of a way to exlude you and Annazed (btw, where the hell has she been lately?) from the "not as cool as bono and clinton" group without sounding like a desperate loser but couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't contradict my general theme. But don't worry Frilly, while snobby's ladder to the stars ends at Lance, mine ends at you.

frilly said...

Wow. You're forgiven. Good grief, I think I might be blushing.

Thats awesome. Just what I needed on such a day of infamy.

Anonymous said...

ayhsmb is a spoke card now..is you forealz?

ez said...

On that bike... I have seen tons of these configs in lower downtown in Denver. I call them "suicide bikes".

It's like someone saw people riding fixies and tried to replicate it without doing research.

I see bikes that are:

Freewheeling singlespeeds with no brakes and/or a front brake only.

Fixies with chain tensioners ala a Singleator or some other geared tension device.

Freewheeling rear-derailleur bikes with no brakes.

I need to get some pics, but everyday at lunch I see them and question the sanity of the rider.

A complete aside: I was waiting outside a train stop and one of these "suicide" bikers assumed that my iphone was up at full blast (i.e. that he was in a private sound-proof phone booth) and remarked to his friend that a "hardcore bike guy complete with tattoos" was riding an incorrectly spec'd fixie. Uh... right... because I only have a front brake, but my rear is actually fixed? It's not like it's the only bike I have... and I even wear a helmet and use proper lights, come on Jr!

Anonymous said...

i think that red helmet guy was me... im sorry for riding recklessly (im serious)

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