Wow, that guy really needs to switch to decaf.
Get it? Because crack.
Then, I hired a babysitter to watch my kid while I went out trick or treating. The worst part of trick or treating as an adult is that people try to give you candy, but I'm all like, "Fuck that, make me a sandwich." Then they're like, "What kind of sandwich?" so we go back and forth, and they have bologna but not turkey, or they have white bread but not rye, and inevitably I lose my patience and barge into the kitchen and do it all myself.
What, you can't stop at the deli on the way home?
Actually, I'm surprised adult trick or treating hasn't become "a thing" in Brooklyn yet. It seems like a perfect opportunity for douchebag foodies to go from house to house sampling each other's experiments in home pickling and seasonal aioli.
In other news, 2012 Giro d'Italia winner Ryder Hesjedal has admitted to doping:
Between this and the confirmation of the Rob Ford crack video it's certainly a difficult week to be a Canadian, but Hesjedal wants you to know this was all in the past and that you shouldn't hold it against him:
“I have loved and lived this sport but more than a decade ago, I chose the wrong path,” Hesjedal said in a statement released by his current team, Garmin-Sharp. “And even though those mistakes happened more than 10 years ago, and they were short-lived, it does not change the fact that I made them and I have lived with that and been sorry for it ever since.
He then went on to say:
"Oh, yes, I'm so sorry I doped more than a decade ago, which is conveniently two years past the eight-year statute of limitations on doping offenses. Did I mention this was more than a decade ago, as well as more than 10 years ago, and that a decade is 10 years? Yeah, they're the same, 10 years and a decade, wasn't sure if you knew that. And whatever you call it, it's way more than eight years. You could also call 10 years a generation, or even a tenth of a century if that makes it sound longer.
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry I was part of the 'dark past' of cycling. So what's this 'dark past?' Well, it's a bit of a moving target really, but suffice to say it's the period immediately preceding the current statute of limitations. Coincidentally though we all cleaned up just a little over eight years ago, and the sport's all better now. That's why I was able to win the Giro d'Italia. I swear on Jonathan Vaughters's sideburns.
"Also, I was totally going to tell the public earlier, but it slipped my mind until this Rasmussen book came out, and I'd like to thank him for reminding me."
Good for you, Ryder Hesjedal. Thanks for your bravery and honesty.
Lastly, it's been almost a week since Lou Reed died, and the media is getting desperate for stories:
One time Lou, Howard and I rode down 22 floors in the fully mirrored small elevator together.
Wait, that's it? You were in an elevator with Lou Reed once? Who cares? Why was this even published? HE WAS IN MY FUCKING DOG OBEDIENCE CLASS, FOR CHRISSAKE! But you don't see me blabbing to the Times about it.
I mean, sure, I blab about it here, but this is my blog, and nobody reads this shit anyway.
(That's the fucking dog he brought!!!)
I've about had it up to here [indicates forehead] with everybody goddamn it, so get the hell outta my driveway.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's great but try to get over yourself goddamn it, and if you're wrong you'll see the next must-have gravel bike accessory.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and remember, kids: crack is wack.
--Wildcrack Rock Machine
(An improperly installed valve cap.)
1) When installing a valve cap, always tighten by turning:
--Neither clockwise nor counterclockwise as they are a press-fit system
--Do not attempt to service your own valve caps, as they have exact torque specifications and should only be handled by a professional mechanic with shop-quality tools
2) What is this man doing?
--Shouting "Not again!" because his bike has been stolen
--Dropping a watermelon on his friend's head
--Indicating the size of his "schvantz" to a passing female in an attempt to entice her upstairs for coitus
3) A giraffe is:
("The male Eurotrash puts his genitals in here...")
4) These two men are explaining a pair of $500 cycling shorts which feature a bag for your penis and testicles so you can hang them out in the breeze while you ride.
5) "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's..."
--"The Second Annual Portland 'Breaking Bad' Theme Ride!"
6) In Portland, crabon bikes literally grow on trees.
7) David Hotard is the inventor of:
--The idiotic prosumertarded Fred commuter bike with a washing machine for a front wheel, sponsored by SRAM, who are now evidently in the business of throwing their money away
--The "Winky Dinky Ho Cake"
***Special Art and Culture-Themed Bonus Question (Not Safe For Work If You Work In The 19th Century)***
The statute of limitations on pornography is 75 years, after which it automatically becomes art.