Thursday, November 7, 2013

An Open Letter To Astronomers Everywhere: The Onus Is On You To Show Us Uranus

I'm getting old.  You know how I know?  Two reasons:

1) I'm getting smarter.  Like, a lot smarter.  I think I know pretty much everything there is to know now.  In fact, I know I do.  It's a good feeling, being omniscient, I gotta tell you;

2) When I ride around the city all I think about is what used to be wherever I am.  It's kind of pathetic.  Basically, I'm wandering around in a sort of Proustian haze, which I guess is why old people are so annoying.  "Look at that beard oil shop, I remember when it was a deli that sold weed," I think to myself.  "Check out these tourists studying a touristy map of touristy Brooklyn at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, I remember when the only people you'd find standing around here were the Muslims selling bean pies:"


Of course, this is only compounded by my newfound omniscience, which allows me to see beyond time and space.  For example, as the tourists above scrutinized the map, I rolled up behind them, cleared my throat and announced, "I remember when there was no bridge here and all you'd find was Walt Whitman waiting for a ferry and quietly wanking."  It even gets so bad that sometimes I'll stop at a red light, look around, sigh, and say to myself, "I remember when all of this was Pangaea."


(Those were the days, because fuck bridges.)

Nostalgia continued to plague me into the evening yesterday when I ducked into Central Park.  There was a time when the park used to be empty after dark because everyone was afraid of the wilding and the wanking Walt Whitmans, but if you headed there on your bike on a crisp weekday evening you could join a massive group ride that would whip through the park at race pace, which was a pretty good way to unwind after a workday.  Pretty much every character in New York City who rode a bike fast would be there.  But then the local racing club killed it because the park threatened their private members-only races, and Freds got way into training indoors during the winter anyway because it was "more effective" for their private members-only races, and now it's long gone.

Still, is there anything better than riding in Central Park at night?


Well, yeah, sure, there are like a million things that are better.  Still, it's one of the finer New York City cycling experiences.  One moment you're in Midtown dodging and parrying the taxicabs, and the next you're on this serene loop, the leaves skittering along the pavement and the greatest city in the world twinkling at you from beyond the trees.

(Yes, you can see Cleveland through the trees in Central Park.)

Anyway, it was very pleasant, until I saw some dork wearing a teardrop helment and riding a time trial bike and I got all pissed off because he was such a dork.

Speaking of being pissed off, yesterday I was somewhat complimentary to the inventor of the Fred Stand:


But then someone left the following comment:

Anonymous said...

That stupid engineer stole the design from clickstand. They have been building them for years now. What great idea. They even have started making them in different colors. For a cyclist unable to organize his cockpit correctly. Did we really think he has the brains to have an original thought?

NOVEMBER 6, 2013 AT 6:24 PM

Sure enough, the collapsible kickstand has been done before:


And you can even use it with recumbents:


This led me to wonder if they actually sell recumbents without kickstands, because that seems about as smart as selling a motorcycle without a kickstand.

Anyway, even though the Fred Stand is slightly different (i.e. shorter), I'm tremendously disappointed in the so-called "inventor," especially since he seems to have earned well over a thousand dollars since I mentioned him yesterday, and it's pretty clear to me now that he doesn't deserve it and that money should be mine.

Mine.

In light of this, I'm now shifting my allegiance to another Kickstarter project called the "Roof Brain," and while this idea probably isn't original either the video sure as fuck is:



So basically, the Roof Brain is for people who ride their bikes while they're completely tripping balls and then proceed to drive home, where they forget to take their bikes off their roof racks.

Of course, there's also the requisite "social networking component," and this one allows you to share low clearance areas with other Roof Brain users:


I don't know, to me the best part about remembering to take your bike off the roof before driving into that parking structure is that you avoided some trap that will inevitably fell some other shmuck, and to me helping someone avoid it too completely undermines my sense of smug satisfaction.

If anything, I'd go around falsely labeling random areas as low clearance so people's Roof Brains start sounding unnecessarily.  In fact, if this Roof Brain thing takes off, I may tag the entire I-95 corridor before Gloucester next year.

Speaking of bike racing, here's the confirmation you didn't need that pro cycling is a complete clusterfuck:


“One day in 2007 the gendarmerie came to check our bus. We had drugs hidden in the bus, but our bus driver Piet hid the EPO in his underpants,” Rasmussen said.

Is Rasmussen sure Piet wasn't tricking him into a handjob?

"You want some EPO?  It's in my underpants.  Keep looking.  Keeeep looooking..."

Three to five minutes of rummaging, and there's your EPO.

Also, for those of you who remember Rasmussen's disastrous Tour de France time trial in 2005, he says it's because his mechanic was girl drink drunk:

Furthermore he blames the team’s mechanic for ruining his chances of finishing on the podium in 2005. Rasmussen claims the mechanic was drunk on champagne before the penultimate time trial stage. He lost over seven minutes to stage winner Lance Armstrong, slipping from third to seventh overall. 

And here's that time trial again:



The great thing about individual time trial crashes is that you can generally laugh at them, because not only do they rarely involve injury to the rider, but also the pointy hats.

By the way, after the champagne incident, Rasmussen tried to fist the mechanic:

“I saw our mechanic in a chair sleeping off his champagne hangover. I put my bike against the truck and walked his way. I was three metres from the guy with my fists ready when Erik Dekker pulled me away."

Oh, that Erik Dekker, always spoiling a fisting party.

Penultimately, I see via Jonathan Maus's Twitter that the Portland clown bike I mentioned last week has been located and "Sketch Dude" apprehended:



Portland Police spokesman Sgt. Pete Simpson said Cansler was picked up at a bus shelter near Southeast 122nd Avenue and Southeast Division Street after a passerby spotted him and called 911. 

He was charged with theft, possession of meth and probation violation.

The tall yellow bike was stolen from Olive Rootbeer and Dingo Dizmal on Oct. 24.

Reading that makes me so incredibly grateful that I don't live in Portland.

So what does Olive Rootbeer think?

“It’s not fair that he took my bike and there was no consequence for it. He needs to face the consequences for being, like, mean to a clown,” said Rootbeer.

Laugh if you will, but the penalty for being mean to a clown in the state of Oregon is death.

Death.

Hopefully they follow this report up with a story about why clowns in Portland look like they've been sleeping outdoors for two weeks.

And lastly, it appears
the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet TridorkBret appeared on Letterman last night:


I haven't watched Letterman in awhile.  When did it get so golf-clappy?

150 comments:

Name said...

No comments!

Jasper said...

Early doors

mikeweb said...

robots are not my friends

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Podio maybe?

BoBandy said...

Gate crash?

BamaPhred said...

Free range podium

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Missed it by that much.

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix

Euro Spondee said...

Were there bike lanes on Pangaea?

babble on said...

Wooooot! Gidday!

Rick James said...

Yorkshire smells like balls

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Welcome to the club old man.

Anonymous said...

Top XX!!

RoadQueen said...

Late today!

Anonymous said...

lucky 13 dop

mikeweb said...

I find it sad that Kevin Bacon has resorted to taking 'roles' in Kickstarter videos.

Captain Mainwaring said...

Rasmussen worries me on many levels, but the 'three metres' is just sinister. Damn continentals with their metric system.
Anyhoo, interesting article here; cyclists have always been on the front lines… and so much material for the Kickstarter crowd to pretend thay have invented - folding bike you can parachute with, built-in rifle holders…

DB said...

I see that the Lance movie is opening in NYC this weekend.

Comment deleted said...

*Two* fists? That's where I draw the line, man.

CommieCanuck said...

Rasmussen really is an asshole, no one ever liked him at any time ever, he's like anorexic Robs Fords. And, like Blob Fjord, he used the "drunken stupor" defence, the finest legal chicanery since the Chewbacca defence.

Letterman..WTF he used to be funny, now he trods out on stage and makes fart sounds, then walks off and some guy from CBS gives him a cheque for $680,000. He sounds like a white Bill Cosby, applauded by the well-its-something-to-do-in-NY tourist crowd.

samh said...

ALL YOU HATERS SUCK MY [TRIPPING] BALLS

crosspalms said...

Wow, you weren't kidding about the Roofbrain video. What do they grow in Flagstaff?

McFly said...

4 Things I hate:

1) Coming up with a clever comment

2) Irony

3) The number 3

4) Lists

Anonymous said...

In the 20s

Anonymous said...

"Stealing a bike from a clown.."

That's what the thief must have said to himself when he walked into my ... unlocked garage and waltzed off with my $2K pony...

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

You just had to claim omniscience.

So clearly you know what is going to happen.

My dog will be pestering me all afternoon unless I post his question to you:

How many fingers is he holding up?

It's a trick question.

But you know that.

Anonymous said...

I love kickstands. I find I must use it in conjunction with a little toe-clit strap to secure the front wheel, or the whole upright affair comes quickly to naught.

KICK STND

Herschel Raney said...

I think that there are some details about your testicles that are revealing about your advancing age as well. Tensile strength, displacement, etc.

I am still not over the "Darkens with exposure to Methane." From Crosspalms quote. That kind of thing lingers with you.

Your blog yesterday did inspire me to just get on the bike and go for a ride. So thanks for that. Out here in the hinterlands we only have to worry about aggressive dogs and skitzy White-tails. I avoided both. And then lifted a dark beer in the direction of your screwy newly-mayored metropolis.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Insane in the Roof Brain.

jayteepee said...

Isn't the term "tall clown bike" a bit redundant?

Anonymous said...

BSNYC should be on Letterman. It would be worth a watch.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Armstrong movie trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx3KJn8r8y0

You are welcome.

Anonymous said...

Letterman got old, therefore he is not funny. It'll happen to you too!

NiMo said...

ROB FORD CRACK RANT


http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/11/07/mayor_rob_ford_caught_in_video_rant.html

Anonymous said...

The good news is Jens Voigt still looks great for being like 90, but too bad he has been relegated to Roof Brain promotion. Amazing rappin' though! He should do a cover of Der Kommissar.

Anonymous said...

I think that there are some details about your testicles that are revealing about your advancing age as well. Tensile strength, displacement, etc.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

...and the greatest city in the world twinkling at you from beyond the trees.

(Yes, you can see Cleveland through the trees in Central Park.)

Ha.

Dingo Dizmal said...

I lubricate my fists with the blood I liberate from dudes whom are like mean to a clown.

ge said...

Woohoo, epic commute this morning in the torrential rain! Er, baronal? My bus riding klatch texted that I was Samuraian, but Samurais don't wear rain gear. My Antibyrnesian transportation device called me a biketard. And to think, before the internets I would only have just been riding my bike. Bun no video, so didn't happen. [sigh]

Grampa Simpson said...

I used to have it. Then they changed what it was. Now it seems scary and weird. IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO!! [Points finger dramatically]

ge said...

Bun? But.

sckedle - good call robot terminator

Anonymous said...

Armstrong movie trailer

I think it would be a fun game to diagnose champion cyclist mental disorders.

Road Queer said...

In 3 to 5 minutes I will have the icing ready for your podium cake.

CommieCanuck said...

The Armstrong movie..I would avoid that on Netflix, even Crackle. There, I said it.

****Blob Ford daily update****

Remember that video that he said never existed, and then it did, and then he admitted he was fucked up crack on it, remember? Well, apparently there are _two_ more videos from people who thought it was hilarious to video record their fucked up Mayor.

I dare you to make up more fun shit than this...it would be like finding of photo Dorothy Rabinowicz giving Tulio Campagnolo a blow job in 1938, or the lost David Byrne Hummer H1 Commercial from 1998.

capcha:"326 no weed on"

Comment deleted said...

Big deal, he's only threatening to kill somebody in the newly revealed video.

This will only make him more popular.

Though it does give me a weed-on.

Super Mario Cipo said...

Before I started using the Penis Brain, I was shoving it into all the wrong places and getting into trouble with my 700 girlfriends.
Grazie a Dio no more!

McFly said...

4 Things I ate:

1) A sock full of spooge.

2) Uranus

3) The number 3

4) Lists of things I hate.

CommieCanuck said...

The best part of the nut bra is the description:
The nut bra (High Quality Video).

Back to kick stands: in the go-go 90s, I raised $45M startup on NASDAQ for the first automotive kickstand.

In retrospect, I should have focused on plastic racing spoilers for 1980s Hondas.

Blog Drafter said...

Funny post, lol at work.

Omniscience is merely a human concept. In reality, if you know one single thing to its core you know everything. No need to go running across the universe.

Anonymous said...

man that Robs fords rant is comic gold. I'm moving to fucking canada buddy! I want that dude to be my mayor. Birds!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Blog Drafter,

I know, I was totally just about to say that.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Comment deleted said...

At this point, Fords can commit pyronecropedaphilia on video, he'll say "I was 'faced. You gotta let it slide", and his popularity will soar amongst his base, (otherwise known as the intellectual elite of Toronto).

CommieCanuck said...

Big deal, he's only threatening to kill somebody in the newly revealed video.

This will only make him more popular.


Which makes this new word more relevant than ever.

CommieCanuck said...

his popularity will soar amongst his base, (otherwise known as the intellectual elite of Toronto).

Toronto Mensa chapter meeting.

CommieCanuck said...

It cannot be coincidental that the two brothers of the "Great White North" were named Robert and Doug.

This can only mean one thing: Rick Moranis perfected the time machine in late 1970s.

I just blew your mind.

xyxax said...

Frederique Proust: "It all began while climbing La Madeleine..."

uenturd 80 = Ban Ki-moon?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

OMG Yes, CC, you did! LOL!! Also, serious congrats on your new word. Dooders. The reason he is STILL POPULAR is we're a fordtardnation, the lot of us.

just shoot me now

Blog Drafter: Nice. Very hermetic of you. I lol'd too. :D

Anonymous said...

Canada's cultural high mark

Christopher Hunter said...

I found an international sighting of your favorite time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork (Bret) in a review of a Rennstahl touring bike (the rider in their review is no stranger to performance enhancing drugs). Looks like he sells lube too.

http://www.rennstahl-bikes.de/Download/Rennstahl_Pinion_650B_Reynolds853_Reiserad2014.pdf

crosspalms said...

Breaking: Rob and Doug Ford vow to step down if Joe Pesci and Harvey Keitel play them in the movie.

Anonymous said...

The good old days when it wasn't safe to be in New York will return after the new mayor is inaugurated.

Anonymous said...

I would have made podium 'cept my EPO was in my driver's underpants.

Anonymous said...

BROO KLYN
22 Years After Crown Heights Riots, a Changed Neighborhood

db said...

...popular local clowns

Does not exist.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:41 is right. de Blasio's constituents are in for a rude awakening.

DB said...

There goes the afternoon.
Headed for the liquor store and then home to watch The Great White North and Trailer Park Boys.
Thanks, CC.

CommieCanuck said...

<a href="http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/190qs125hxibxgif/ku-medium.gif>Another Rob Ford Video</a>.

CommieCanuck said...

balls

another Rob Fords Video

CommieCanuck said...

oh no, yet another

It gets a little weird when Robba goes on about the 80 year old bird.

Makes his bike lane and orientals rants pretty tame stuff.

Pretty sure the guy whose throat he wants to rip out is me.

Anonymous said...

I like the way "Clown Tall" kinda sounds like "Town Hall." So appropriate for Portland.

And since when is being "...charged with theft, possession of meth and probation violation..." NOT having a "consequence"!?

Blog Drafter said...

Babble:

Now there"s a word you don't hear every day. I hear Leroy's dog was into hermeneutics for a while but kept burying the message...

Mr Plow said...

Omniscience is ok. I prefer omnipotence. Give it a try

Anonymous said...

Do you ever stand in the shower and come up with really funny shit to say in a conversation you had like two weeks ago?

Me neither.

This would have KILLED two days ago:

TIRE PRON

IMO, homie would be better off with a more aggressively knobbly tire.

Dooth said...

I remember where the Internet is there used to be a whore house.

crosspalms said...

dooth,
I just hurt something in the back of my nose snorting.

anon 2:41,
Can you set up one of those countdown clocks so we know exactly when NY will be sucked into the fiery hellpit of having a Democratic mayor? Vacation planning. Thanks

ge said...

Things I love about Twitter:

1) #inoneofmydrunkenstupors is trending

2) umm

EunDiscr - umm, robot?

Roille Figners said...

Clowns do not deserve justice or pity. Everybody hates clowns. Clowns are there to take a pie to the face so you can laugh at them. At night, the ice weasels come.

Anonymous said...

You mean the Internet has a Happy Ending?

Mr Plow said...

Ha! Ice weasels. I forgot about that line. Thank you R. Figners!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'm digging the healthy teeth on rootbeer.

Comment deleted said...

Ok, Mr. smarty Plow, make a rock so big you can't lift it.

("Try omnipotence" would make an excellent bumper sticker, though).

Roille Figners said...

clowns

Robs & Doug Fords

Bob & Doug McKenzie




Some larger truth is being hinted at.

Roille Figners said...

PS when did Fords become several 1950s hipsters?

"I'll rip out his eyes, daddy!"
"5 minutes it'll take me to kill him, brother!"

Roille Figners said...

Make that 1940s perhaps. Somebody with free time (retired clown?) and music arranging talent needs to write an Andrews-sisters-style swing vocal trio using only the words of Fords' dining-room rant as the lyrics.

Comment deleted said...

Just to be clear, I *also* draw the line at pyronecropedaphilia.

DB said...

Yeah, Anon, 2:41, I'm with Crosspalms.
Coming to NYC over the Christian holiday. What was that apocalyptic movie with Kurt Russell? Mid-80's. Think it'll be that quick?

Roille Figners said...

Not me man, I go in for bigtime extreme pyro-ski-necro-heli-pedo-para-bestio-petro-sodomy. However I do draw the line if elephant seals are involved... that shit's just wrong.

mikeweb said...

Dooth @ 3:28,

Top five comment of the week.

DB said...

I think Blog Drafter and Babble have those Learn A New Word A Day Calendars.
I've had to go to the dictionary twice today.

Comment deleted said...

Roille, it all boils down to consent. A willing elephant seal, I can't see the harm...

DB said...

Agreed, Mikeweb.
Nicely done, Dooth.

Anon 2:41 said...

crosspalms, DB, you're in luck while we're in Bloomberg's lame duck period and Commissioner Kelley is still on the beat. You might get to stay in de Blasio's old Brooklyn Heights place thru AirBNB.

Pink or Blue said...

Road Queen "Late Today". Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

Roille Figners said...

CD - Mr. Deleted - Yes definitely, I should clarify, pyro-ski-necro-heli-pedo-para-bestio-petro-sodomizing elephant seals is wrong for me, but what other people and seals do with their bodies is their own business!

RoadQueen said...

@Pink or Blue - Neither, thanks!

crosspalms said...

DB,
Take a life jacket in case it turns out to be that movie where the Statue of Liberty was in water up to its nose.

Glen McGregor said...

Bret made an appearance on an online ad for an Australian bicycle cycling shop. In fact you featured this shop for it's incredibly poor spelling.

Anonymous said...

Reach in my underpants and you'll be introduced to the Big Doper in a hurry.

ge said...

Never use a big word when a diminutive synonym can be interchanged with the resultant equivalency of connotation and will satisfactorily suffice is what no one ever says.

JLRB said...

Gear heads

http://www.latimes.com/science/la-sci-leg-gears-20130914,0,1476077.story

Mark said...

Roof brain. Wow. Just what I needed. Another electronic device to tell my location-enabled smartphone that I'm about to hit something. Why don't I just program my phone to do that? I could even program in low hanging potted plants that get in the way of my walking/texting. Then I would never have to look up. Brilliant!

Brooks said...

Regarding the Roof Brain thing -- My own system to keep from driving into the garage with a bike on the roof rack is pretty simple, cheap, and requires no social networking. When I'm loading a bike up onto my roof, I put a traffic cone in front of the garage door. When I get home, I have to get out of the car and move the cone before I can drive into the garage. Simple.

Anonymous said...

GE:

That's a Razor sharp comment.

crosspalms said...

ge,
Sesquipedalianism is a known side-effect of rainy commutes. I recommend hot cocoa with whatever additive DB brings back from the liquor store.

Comment deleted said...

crosspalms, I know we've stretched the bounds of propriety today, but that's going a little far, I think.

One just needs to look at today's title to know that Snob is trying to restore a little dignity to this blog.

crosspalms said...

CD,
What could be more dignified than a fortified hot beverage?

Certainly not sasquatchpedalianism, the practice among yetis of riding bicycles.

Dooth said...

Awwww shucks, fellas.

DB said...

You boys must be college educated.
Crosspalms:
My wife has conferences tonight after which they head for the nearest bar.
I will dine on frozen pizza and a bottle of red watching Access Hollywood.

paulb said...

A couple of self-adoring hipsters with stupid made up names dumping on some outcast derelict, without the least bit of self-consciousness, because he made a grab for their piece-of-junk bicycle, does unfortunately speak volumes about something, the which I'm too discouraged to think more about it.

Anonymous said...

Omniscience sucks. Knowing everything is really really boring. Nothing can ever be new and novel and there's nothing that ever will be. Your actions and aspirations are rendered pointless as you already know the outcome and every single detail of every single step along the way.

So every single aspect of an omniscient's entire life is a meaningless and ostentatious display serving no worthwhile purpose other than perhaps cheap titillation -- much like bathing beauties painfully wearing a forced smile as they sashay around a boxing ring between rounds holding aloft a large board displaying the number of the next round.

Omnipotence, on the other hand, is awesome. Except when people mishear you and think you're impotent.

Also, having lights on your forks is stupid.

Frilly Chick said...

When did Steve-O start riding a bike?

Nacnud said...

The dog in the Roof Brain video was sort of like Wilfred. Except that it wasn't funny...

Nacnud said...

Anonymous @ 6:29 PM
Having lights on my fork makes it possible to dine in the dark.
Who's stupid now, eh?

McFly said...

The alarm on my Roof Brain sounds just like crabon fibre crunching into vinyl siding.

What grade Loctite should I be using on my valve caps? I don't mind heating it for removal if need be.

Anonymous @ 6:29 PM said...

Nacnud @ 6:48 PM

You humble and shame me, sir.

Gripped by a fever of belligerence and ignorance, I most regrettably made the egregious comments alluded to in your post.

There can be no excuse for my outburst and I sincerely regret lowering the majestic level of decorum normally manifested on these fora.

I unreservedly apologise and pledge to never make such an ill-mannered transgression ever again.

But I do believe we can all agree lights on helmets are stupid?

Even for spelunkers who are stupid to begin with.

Kind Regards,
Anonymous @ 6:29 PM

We're all bored said...

Oh, hi CJ...a bit late today, no?

The first (original) Anon 2:41 not the imposter said...

DB and Cross Palms.

It'll be like the frog in hot water. Turn up the heat to fast and the frog will jump out, turn up the heat slowly and the frog will stay in tills it's too late.

On the other hand, it may be a wash when compared with the previous administration.

For example, Bloomberg wanted to ban large soft drinks. I figured he owns stock in Dixie cups or the beverage supplier. There'd be way more profit to be made selling lots of little drinks instead of few large cups.

Blacklung said...

Miners have lights on their helmets.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. Those clowns were extra scary. Scary in the sense that you hate being a member of the same species as them. THey are polluting our entire species with their high school drama club hobo fey act. I wish that Jessie Pinkman dude had stolen their brains so that they couldn't appear on local tv news and totally creep me out.

Anonymous said...

Does one really need to be omnipresent if one is omniscient?

ge said...

Crosspalms, no more big words. Don't know what happened to DB's liquor run, but have reserves and getting dumber as i tyep.

rerear - robot terminator, yor funy

Anonymous said...


Anonymous @ 7:59 PM

No, one does not.

Selective omnipresence and/or omniscience (so you only concern yourself with fun matters) is the thing to aim for.

You'd be the greatest superhero of forever with that superpower.

ouabacher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Huh? What? said...

If Jesus had worn a helmet I'm sure he would have had a light on it because, like he was The Light Duder for sure, but like when I have a problem I just say to myself, 'What would Rob Ford do?' and like you know I always just end up smoking crack.

ouabacher said...

Mmmmm.....feel that warm scranus-epo shooting in.

Nacnud said...

BUTT CRAK

(Really slow day at work today)

ge said...

O WAIT, GETING SMRRTER NOW. AND BETTER LOOKING. WADDAYA MEAN I'M SHOUTING? Snob said Uranus. That's funny. He's awesome.

wishiwasmerckx said...

http://d2bmk253cee6kt.cloudfront.net/media/gallery/1348902419-Sokhin05.jpg

Niterider said...

Lights on the helment are a must for riding off road at night. The light on your bike shines on where the bike is pointed, and the light on the helment illuminates the trail where you are looking. Silly city folk.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well now, I did not post the tribesman, but:

-Things go better with Coca-cola; and

-The photo bears an uncanny resemblance to me at Haulover Beach a few months ago.

wishiwasmerckx said...

An interesting discussion, because stripping aside CJ's hunter-gatherer theories he read about in the 11th grade, Man seeks to be like G-d, and the defining characteristics of G-d are omnipotence and omnipresence.

What offers such traits to mere mortals? The internet, that's what. Apparently, the internet is G-d, and not just a repository for funny cat videos.

anonymoose said...

Huh? What?----If Jesus had worn a helmet,he would have lit things up with a head-light. But then, when he rose up, they would brain him, cuz he's be a zombie.

Yarpo said...

Top 134st!!!!

Fuck this, I'm going to bed!

Oh yeah, Name, Jasper, and mikeweb: great sprint today, very enjoyable to watch. A before-bed glass of milk and cookies to you three. A tip of the greasy old cycling cap!

Or crack. Smoke crack, like Mayor Fuckstick Ford of Torontardmaniaton, up north! Craaaaaaack!

No.

Rum and cookies instead. Okay. Goodnight and have pleasant dreams of bike saddles that don't torture your scranus like Gestapo interrogators.

Anonymous said...

NSFW cyclist bulge blog

Emu Avatar Martinez Singh said...

Speaking of shitty bike related kickstarters:

"This ground breaking invention just may be about to revolutionise commuter cycling forever"

http://www.stickybottle.com/latest-news/this-ground-breaking-invention-just-may-be-about-to-revolutionise-commuter-cycling-forever/

Captain Obvious said...

If one is omniscient then one knows what a schlong tastes like.

Omni said...

Present!

McFly said...

Olive Rootbeer has got some big-ass horse teeth. I would hate for her to crash her clown big a jack her grill up. Probably best it got stolened.

McFly said...

*clown bike and*

Bodacious Ta' Ta's said...

You could hide two gallons of EPO in Peta Todd's bra.

JLRB said...

@ Niterider 11:30

The hellmeat light works the same for urban/sub-urban (maybe even subterranean)commutarding. Going around bends, looking for potholes, seeking bunnies - the bar lights don't follow your gaze. The headmount also helps get certain eye contact with half-aware drivers. Plus they look dorky as hell.

JLRB said...

And you think tickets for riding outside the bike lane lines are bad:

free spa treatment

BamaPhred said...

The Rob Ford memes just go on and on.

BabaPhred said...

Whut happened to the images? Must check out and re-post!

ge said...

playmorebobmarlyorimafuckinkillya - pretty sure that's what Fords was saying in the last video.

heyyoureportersgetoffamydriveway
#inoneofmydrunkenstupors

BamaPhred said...

Rob Ford memes just go on and on.

Anonymous said...

DWEEB

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EMarieNYC said...

Similarly in Chicago “And bicyclists — especially the aggressive kind with their spandex shorts, cleats and wild yellow shirts, zipping through red lights — they don’t pay a dime.”—John Kass, trolling for traffic.

http://www.chicagomag.com/city-life/October-2013/How-Can-We-Actually-Build-a-Bike-Friendly-Chicago/