Thursday, August 15, 2013

Action! Suspense! Neanderthal Scranus! You Know You Want It!

People of Melbourne (Australia)!

What the hell do you call yourselves anyway?  Melbournians?  Melbournites?  Melbums?

Don't answer that, I don't really care.



(ME!)

I should warn you that I haven't done any preparation for the actual festival since I've been too busy downloading TV shows and movies for the eleventy million hour flight.  In fact, I plan to watch the top ten highest-grossing Australian films of all time, which are as follows:

1. Crocodile Dundee
2. Australia
3. Babe
4. Happy Feet
5. Moulin Rouge
6. Crocodile Dundee II
7. Strictly Ballroom
8. Red Dog
9. The Dish
10. The Man from Snowy River

It must annoy the crap out of Australians that not only is "Crocodile Dundee" the world's favorite Australian movie, but the "Crocodile Dundee" franchise actually comprises 20% of the top ten.  Here they are trying to put on a serious writers' festival and all anybody can think about when they talk is "That's not a knife.  That's a knife:"



Boy, filmmakers sure knew how to reduce people and places to cultural stereotypes back then, though I'm disappointed they didn't also work in a neurotic Jew and an Asian man doing martial arts.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, "Mad Max" comes in as only the 44th highest-grossing Australian film of all time...eleven places behind "Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles:"


As for Paul Hogan's culturally insensitive version of beloved children's story "Peter and the Wolf," presumably that never made it to the silver screen:

It retained the traditional plot but transferred the locale to the Australian Outback. This recording was withdrawn soon after its release because of unflattering portrayals of Australia's aboriginal people and is now considered "out of print".

Though maybe I can score a copy while I'm down there, because it sounds sublimely awful.

Speaking of Paul Hogan-esque vigilante justice, someone recently Tweeted this at me:


("That's not a note.  This is a note.")

I'd love to know how the stake-out turned out, though the note writer has a pretty poor sense of irony:


Yeah, see, that's actually not ironic at all because it's exactly what you'd expect.  Who knows better the importance of locking a bike than a bike thief?  Really, it would be ironic if the thief didn't lock the bike and the owner had stolen it back from him.

Presumably he and the thief enjoyed a robust debate on the subject when the thief finally returned.

Though for the cutting-edgiest of bike theft prevention methods you have to travel to Boston and environs.  Not only do they have cardboard cops to guard your bike, but a reader also tells me that the police in Brookline are now combining the awesome power of GPS trackers and stickers to catch bike snatchers:



Brookline Police have also begun handing out stickers to cyclists that say “This Could Be A Bait Bike” and can be placed on their bikes as a deterrent to thieves. Hayes said U-locks tend the be the most effective locks for preventing theft and police also suggest using a combination of U-locks and cable locks to maximize protection.

Wait, you mean U-locks are more effective than stickers?  No shit.  Anyway, I think a thief can safely assume any bike with a "This Could Be A Bait Bike" sticker on it is not in fact a bait bike--though it would be pretty ironic if the thief took a bike with "This Could Be A Bait Bike" sticker on it and it did turn out to be a bait bike.  And then he forgot to lock it.

At least I think that would be ironic.

Now I'm confused.

Meanwhile, here's how the thieves do it in New York (via Streetsblog):


Uh, if you find this "stunning" then you haven't lived in New York very long.  In any case, here's what happened:

Watson’s video shows a man police said is Guzman rolling up on his own bicycle — and eyeing the other bike chained to a pole.

After leaning his bike carefully against a railing, the thief cuts a $50 cable that holds Watson’s outdoor chairs and tables together.

He then takes a cafe table and carries it to the pole.

Climbing up, the thief spends several minutes using a hand drill and screwdriver to remove the parking sign, occasionally looking over his shoulder.

Nobody approaches Guzman.

No shit nobody approached him.  People have things to do here, we can't worry about what the guy standing on the table is doing.  Only someone recently arrived from Portland would stick his or her nose into this situation:


("Uh, excuse me, is that your bicycle?"--Earnest bike dork from Portland)

Though it would have been great if someone else had stolen the thief's bike while he was lifting the other bike off of the pole.  And it would have been doubly great if the bike he was stealing was a Budnitz.

But would it be ironic?

At this point I have no idea.  All I know is that this person could use a new saddle:



If you told me that 500,000 years ago a Neanderthal fell into an icy crevasse while hunting and that this saddle is made from the preserved remains of his scranus then I would have absolutely no trouble believing you.

Lastly, remember the guy yesterday who put a farty motorized trailer on the back of his bike?  Well, here's a guy who can go 50mph downhill on his electric bike, which big fucking deal:



So basically his shitty electric bike can go downhill at the same speed as a decent human-powered racing bicycle.  Well done.  By the way, it's interesting to note that the inventor from yesterday was wearing flip-flops:


While the guy who built an electric bike that can exceed "Fred Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" speed is wearing Crocs:


So what is it about inventors of motor-assisted bicycles and bad footwear choices anyway?

I guess they don't bother with actual full-coverage shoes equipped with a closure system until at least 100mph.



124 comments:

samh said...

AYHSMB

Serial Retrogrouch said...

bang

Serial Retrogrouch said...

damn!! samh

Ass Pony! said...

Ass Pony!

Anonymous said...

5th?

Christian said...

Oh foreskins!

I'm slower than a neanderthal.

leroy said...

Gosh, I'm speechless.

Thanks for all for the birthday wishes in yesterday's comment section!

DB -- My dog hasn't given me my present yet.

He syas it's "philosophy."

I think he's having trouble wrapping it.

McFly -- How old am I? Dinner this evening is at a sushi place frequented by Dorothy Rabinowitz. I've been going there longer than she has.

And if she were a red head, she could be mistaken for the pickled ginger.

JB said...

Top 10? Oil your seat?

Anonymous said...

numero nueve

DB said...

Whoa! Early post.
Would have been here sooner but my long-running bout with bilharzia slowed me down.

JB said...

Victim: I will call the police.
Bike thief: [LOL]

Anonymous said...

I'll take a tep twonty Cleveland Yeah!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Locked in irony.

Anonymous said...

priscilla, queen of the desert

Serial Retrogrouch said...

"that's not footwear.. THIS is footwear", says croc-wearing inventor to the flip-flop wearing inventor.

Fritz said...

That bike note deserves to be recognized by the curator of
Passive Aggressive Notes

DB said...

Snob:
Download The Thorn Birds. At least you can watch Rachel Ward for a few hours.

tornpantleg said...

I suddenly want an electric bike. Shit's rad!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...and you talking about crocs and crocodile dundee... now that's irony.

or at least i think so.

wait, i'm confused.

Bryan Bracy said...

Pre-twenty. Scranus for everyone

tornpantleg said...

For a "cleaner" look on my electric bike, I'm considering making a dildo-sized battery pack for my ass.

crosspalms said...

Ironically, Crocodile Dundee changed his name from Alligator Glasgow because there was already an actor named Alligator Glasgow.

crosspalms said...

More irony (or maybe it's ironing? I forget): stickers beat a U-lock if you use enough of them to mummify your bike.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
I've got Hannah Montana stickers all over my bike and noone's stolen it yet.

crosspalms said...

DB,
Add some tassels to the bar ends for extra anti-thief protection!

freaky flier said...

By "bait" bike, do they mean masturbate?

And if it has Hannah Montana stickers, that's a "jail bait" bike...

Anonymous said...

I have a gravel bait bike. Or maybe it's a bait gravel bike.

Anonymous said...

"And is there anything more irritating than the guy who waylays you and just goes on and on and on and on about nothing?"

Serial Retrogrouch said...

hey, where are the kisses from the podium girls???

i worked hard for that second spot win... and third spot win...

and anyways, samh was wearing flip-flops.

CommieCanuck said...

They should take lessons from the motorcycle super sports community. If you are going to wear a wife beater, shorts and flip-flops on your 200mph rocket, make sure to wear a $1200 helmet and back armor. Just protect the important stuff. No, they don't wear cups, I said the important stuff.

DB said...

Thinking of clothes pinning my A-Rod baseball cards to the spokes.

BamaPhred said...

I would watch a bait bike video if the thing would pepper spray the perp, or the drivetrain would lock up and eject the perp over the handlebars, etc.

CommieCanuck said...

GPS locators...super high tech Dept. of Homeland Security stuff.. can only be thwarted by bringing a bike indoors, or putting under a tree.

Yo dawg, we herd you was paranoids so we put Lojack in yo lojack, dawg."

RoadQueen said...

Sorry SR! I'm here, and so are you and samh's podio kisses!

MUAH! MUAH!

Crocodile Dundee is one of my favorite movies of all time. For reals. I can barely remember the second one, and I'm almost positive I've never seen the third.

But the first movie was amazing.

I really want to dismantle my bike and paint it hot pink with sparkles. Like, BIG sparkles. The kind you would use on a bass boat.

All in the name of anti-theft, of course. *snicker*

Anonymous said...

It looked like the Electric Bike Doode was wearing a Purple German helmet???

brother yam said...

Snobbie,

They've started sealcoating the streets on my commute with tar and gravel. As I don't have a gravel bike, I had to detour two suburbs over to get to work today. Can you commute on a gravel bike or is it only for racing? Is there such a thing as a gravel commuting bike? I'm confused.

Thanks

Serial Retrogrouch said...

thanks queenie... hope you're well.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wow I didn't realize Neanderthal man was so huge. According to my calculations and allowing for shrinkage of the tissue through drying the Neanderthal of which that well preserved scranus belonged stood nearly 30 feet tall.

McFly said...

Oh man Linda Kozlowski used to give me a blue vein boner.

.................still does............


I know I am not supposed to answer the Melbourne query but I am fairly certain they call each other "mates".
"It's 73 degrees in TN today mate...don't even need to turn on the egg nishna."

3G said...

What about Fortress? That was a good movie too!

RoadQueen said...

SR - Thank you, I'm feeling much better. Back to my old self, in fact!

RCT - If your scranal calculations are correct on the size of that neanderthal....I'd hate to imagine how big the accompanying foreskinned sausage was. O_O

12 herdment = A group of helments, equaling more than three, but less than twenty.

JB said...

RCT, an self-proclaimed expert in the male Neanderthal undercarriage.

P. Bateman said...

what is the obsession with a motorized bike? i.e, a MOTORCYCLE?

why in fucking fuck don't these guys just buy a fucking MOTORCYCLE???????

THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

buy a fucking MOTORCYCLE.

its right there in the name. MOTOR CYCLE.

you know whats ironic? i dont either but something about trying to re-invent the literal wheel with a motor when there is already something called a MOTOR CYCLE!!!!!!


good god damn.

RoadQueen said...

P. Bateman's post = my favorite comment of the day.

Anonymous said...

I'M THTWAIGHT I THWEAR TO GOD

BikeSnobNYC said...

P. Bateman,

I think to people who fantasize about riding motorcycles yet are too inept to actually pass a motorcycle licensing test the motorized bicycle represents the Holy Grail.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

mikeweb said...

leroy, please accept my belated wishes for a happy birthday. Unless it's actually today, in which case please accept them today.

mikeweb said...

During my lunch ride today in Central Park, I did NOT see the anti-bret/ rider of the crowpocolypse.

However, I did see a fit woman riding along in what appeared to be a homemade silver lamé skinsuit with a matching head gear to cover her hair bun. She was also wearing a white handkerchief over her lower face, desperado-style. Bill Cunningham would've just loved it.

Babble Society of the NSA said...

Babble goes 50mph wearing high (really high) heels.

RoadQueen said...

mikeweb - pics, please.

Honestly, you guys living in the more populated areas of the world really need to get helment cams.

YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE GOOD STUFF THAT NEEDS TO BE SHARED!!!!!

Thanks! :)

Abbie Hoffman's bike sticker said...

steal this bike

Hey, Dingo Bob... said...

SNOB: Forget downloading The Thorn Birds, instead download Rachel Ward. You can own her for 25.99 Aussie Dollars, or about 22.50 NSA. Rental is 4.99 or about 4.50 NSA.

McFly said...

Wish I had a nipple everytime someone hit me up getting into some cycling or buying a bike and said "Hey how cool would it be to PUT A MOTOR ON YOUR BIKE that way when you get tired you just give it some gas?" lolzlolzhahahahowzaboutit???lolz

[Insert FacePalm]

Yeah...I got one of those...a Honda CRmuthafookin250.....it's pretty awesome.

I wish I was in the land of RoadQueen, old times are not forgotten said...

RoadQueen and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, now that's irony for you.

Ambulance Chasing Mutt said...

McFly, Beware, Leroy's Dog only chases Honda CRmuthafookin250's

Moses' bike sticker said...

8. Thou Shall Not Steal

McGruff, the crime fighting dog said...

"I know who you are". Then it seems like you ought to call the police right then and there. And if you don't know who "who you are" is, then saying I know who you are isn't going to fool the thief for one second.

P.S. Why didn't you sign the note and leave your address, phone number, SS number, bank account numbers, photo id, etc, etc.

Buffalo Bill said...

My old friend Stumpy used to ride in flip flops all the time. He figured, once the toes are gone, what do you have to lose?

The King of Park Slope said...

If you can't haul 2 wino broads home in flip flops you aren't much of a cyclist.

leroy said...

Mikeweb --

Thanks. My birthday is today, but for some reason my dog insists I was born yesterday.

Not the first time he's said that.

JB said...

Buff Bill: wearing flip flops without toes? That's some Zen shit right there.

Regular guy said...

How the heck do you wear flip flops without any toes? I knew a guy who bolted SPD cleats to flip flops. Always thought triathletes should try that for faster transitions.

I really liked the motor noises Mr. Electric Bike was making rounding those corners, I still do that sometimes when I'm coasting downhill.

Crocs Dundee said...

That's not irony. Now *this* is irony. Wait, what's irony agin? Never was one for grammah. Now where'd I put my damn shoes?

ge said...

Top 5 reasons to buy an ebike instead of a motor bike:

1. no insurance
2. no license
3. you're lazy
4. you're old
5. 9% higher dork factor than a recumbent.

Wow, robot test is resorting to racial slurs now. Hope my employer doesn't have a keylogger.

Matt Waters said...

This is not a Fugazi bait bike

Dooth said...

The bike thief read that note and was instantly seized by fit of agonizing irony. Irony Man strikes again.

mikeweb said...

RoadQueen,

You're absolutely correct. These lunchtime sojourns to the park seem to fertile ground for human velo oddities.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Leroy,

if you dog starts his own blog, about n'importe quoi, i'll fucking read it every day... and spread the word among all canines in brooklyn.

i've never been friends with dogs... or i should say, they never liked me, but i (heart) your dog.

CommieCanuck said...

Arlo had it right...

"Late last week I was on my bike
I run into a friend named Mike
Run into my friend named Mike
Mike no longer has a bike, he cries

I don't want a pickle
I just want to ride on my motorcycle
Yeah, and I don't want a tickle
'Cause I'd rather ride on my motorcycle
And I don't want to die
Just want to ride on my motorcycle"


Anonymous said...

Ah, I remember watching The Man from Snowy River when I lived in Australia. Even at age 10, I thought it oozed (Aussied?)with cheese... most things Australian do.

crosspalms said...

Irony Man triathlon coming up soon. Not sure what the events are.

RoadQueen said...

I wish I was in the land of RoadQueen, old times are not forgotten @ 2:20

I'm not THAT kind of Queen. :)

BamaPhred said...

I thought RQ was an Ohioan? Daniel Decatur Lewis, an Ohioan, wrote the song Dixie. Now That's ironic.

BamaPhred said...

UUMM, stoopid me Make that Daniel Decatur Emmett

DB said...

Nice, Crosspalms.
Well done.

RoadQueen said...

BamaPhred - I live in Ohio currently, but Ohio is not the land of my origins.

There is controversy as to whom actually wrote Dixie, there are many that claimed it.

Anonymous said...

Much talk of footwear and not a peep from Bab Bab. She must be busy.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!

ay...the influx of New Yorkers here - yelling out the window "hey, where's rural town X"
etc
& there's the Werner Herzog film on texting whilst driving - worth watching and giving out the URL to them idjits.

I'm a Semitic Robot - nsulPurim? (what the lob?)

Comment deleted said...

Phew...just returned from backpacking in the Sierra with my tall, hairy sprog, and not a moment too soon...

Happy Brisday, Leroy! (That's what your dog told me today was, anyway).


Captcha (*not* making this up): oncision 47

Test Tickle said...

@Matt Waters,

I get it, and it's brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of action I was almost hit by an older gentleman on a recumbent with a rear disc wheel riding to work today.

I believe he must have been traveling at Fred woo hoo speed because he was apparently unable to use his brakes and had to put his feet down and nearly crashed.

Perhaps he was from Australia because he was riding on the wrong side of the bike path.

Comment deleted said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous said...

dang, I don't get the Fugazi bait bike, Matt.

BillP said...

The Castle, for the Serenity
Muriel's Wedding for the music

Footwear

http://what-an.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/you-must-agree-this-guy-is-cool.html

Anonymous said...

Maybe the note should read:
I know who you are and I'm calling you an ambulance.

Anonymous said...

G.E @ 3:17 - the trick is to pre-write your comments, save them on a flash drive and cut and post. Keystroke log that mo fos.
Comments like: scranus, fuck off CJ are applicable every day.
Oh and my local CL (New Haven CT) has in bicylcycles for sale an "oooooo." I wonder if this is the rare an desirable orgasmacycle.
2 verturd!

Blog Drafter said...

I once tried making an ontological argument for the existence of Universal Irony but had to conclude that God beat me to the punch.

Anonymous said...


Geez, Snob, you didn't have to go to Bard to figure this one out.

It's a scam.

You find a nice bike, put a STOLEN BIKE sign on it, and wait for the mark to come fetch it. Then you go batshit on them screaming that they stole your fucking bike.

The vic will cry no, it's mine, but that's what thieves always say when they get pinched, no? Bastards.

Gawkers will see the sign and think you're getting your damn bike back, they might even lend a hand!

Or, provide your own "bypassers" to join in the fray!

Fun City!

Blog Drafter said...

line.

babble on said...

SCREEEEEEEECH. Pant pant... Sorry I'm late! Computer's in the shop, and my phone is incompatible with blogger's mobile platform...

I got run off the road by another madwoman who thinks bikes belong on the sidewalks. The police said "What would you like to see done?" Ha. I just want half a lane. That's my right, and that's what I'd like.

Kisses kisses kisses... MWAAA Grouch. Well done. What kind of dope were you on?

I heart your dog, too Leroy. Birthday kisses. XX

A great big one for you, snobbers. You always make me laugh. Thank you. Yes, of course. It's the Holy Grail of dweebiness. Also... Melbums? heh heh

The Rook said...

Clipless Crocs. Why didn't I think of that? I coulda been a contender...

The Stallion said...

Hey CJ: "That's not a dick. THAT'S a dick."

darryl from downunda said...

g'day snoby (when you land in australia at passport control you will be given your traidtional australian name, which involves adding a "y" to a shorterned version of your current name)

Really looking forward to your visit down here, to get you more accustomed to how us aussies treat tourists and each other, might i suggest this short alternate list of aussie movies to check out:

1. Wolf Creek
2. Van Diemen's Land

And it might be a good time to take in a cycling related movie starring Nicole Kidman BMX Bandits.

cheers cobba.

Skippy the Bush Kangaroo said...

Research the TV show Skippy the Bush Kangaroo before you depart.

Oh yeah... this

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babs,

I consulted Leroy's dog about getting a recommendation for making orgasms last longer... you know, for a friend... cuz, y'know, i don't need that.

he recommended a regimen of chili peppers and fire ants in the pants yabbies.

the ants found their way into my pants yabbies... by accident, y'know... and that's how i got to the podium.

p.s. i did not orgasm at all... but it did feel good.

Bruce said...

darryl @ 7:47, 'sthat you Bruce?

ge said...

They make our street signs much more thief-friendly by putting a bolt at the bottom so you can slide the whole post off without the annoyance of having to find a table to stand on.

umenadem - c'mon, wake up ... but think about it first. Robot test is turning into one of those douchey magazine "define new words" contests.

Ooh blogger error, new test. "omovedu" better o than bike, I guess.

Vegas said...

Feeling unmotorvated today.

Alex X helment fascist said...

The excellent Road Warrior (mis-named Mad Max 2 here) is sadly only #21???


WTF???

(That's not crossbow, this is a crossbow)

torwoul 56

NacNud said...

I'm from Adelaide, Australia. We have a name for people form Melbourne. We call them cunts.
As in 'those cunts in Melbourne'

Mr Plow said...

I've been working on attaching a motor to a bike. A horseless cycle if you will. So far it keeps breaking.

Nacnud said...

A horseless cycle, Mr Plow?
I say neigh!

Waiting in line for a Cronut said...

That scene from Man From the Snowy river where he rides the horse down the hill at a gallop is pretty intense...but not as intense as Repo Man which is always intense...

Anonymous said...

$40 to join the Melbourne group ride? For shame BikeSnobNYC, for shame...

Anonymous said...

Just some kids, having fun.

McFly said...

Finally. The Sloar Powered Recumbent. The search for clean renewable power is over. Suck on that windmill.

San Antonio Property Management said...

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recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice, the panel doubles as a handy dandy sunshade and rain reflector. I was thinking of maybe a small panel mounted on the back behind the seat to charge my smart phone or run a gps. Man am I behind the curve. I think pvc piping would look nicer than the 2x4 construction though.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

McFly, rct:

I'm guessing that solar powered recumbent would do wonderfully with a stiff crosswind.

Good thing that rider has plenty of ballast.

Spence said...

Our top grossing movie in 1990 whatever was 'Happy Gilmore', I think they've got us beat there, unless you include 'Fast 5' written by who, Cheech and Chong? By the way I am a robot.

McFly said...

Yeah there is a downside to the rainy cloudy weather I am afraid. Unless it has a small capacitor or coil to store energy. I don't much about 'leckstricity.

Anonymous said...

Hate to break this to you Snobby, but that screwball is going UP the hill on the electric bike as well. I've been on that road eleventy-zillion times myself, though NEVER on anything powered by batteries. Not even Chance Legstrong on the best dope can go 50 mph up a climb like this one, Check with Stuey O'Grady when you're "down under" and see if he can.

Anonymous said...

you MUST watch the australian film, "Bad Boy Bubby".

Anonymous said...

What about The Gods Must Be Crazy? Def top 10 Aussie movies.

iwasagringo said...

Last Werd, grey tires and electric bikes rULE!

Nicholas Neruda said...

I'm in Melbourne atm. But $40 for just a meander around the CBD...for which you haven't prepared anything no less. I'm not completely convinced. Bud'.

John Diogenous said...

The bike note about locking the stolen bike is hilarious. If the original owner had locked their bike maybe they'd still have it!

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