Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Really? It's Too Early For This Crap.

Like most people, it takes me awhile to warm up in the morning, and a lot of shit has to happen before I'm ready to face the world.  I need coffee.  I need an elaborate rum-based cocktail, such as a mai tai.  I need a bowl of Lucky Charms, which I enjoy on the toilet.  Finally, I take a leisurely walk around the grounds of my estate while dressed like a country squire, and only then am I able to conduct business with a clear head.

Sometimes though, I make the mistake of checking my email or my Twitter before I've done all of these things.  This was one of those mornings, and as I futzed with my phone I found a Tweet from this fucknugget:
"Who is this putz?," I wondered, and so I checked out his other Tweets:


Evidently he'd been spending the morning Tweeting at everybody about his stupid video.  It's annoying enough to wake up to some mushy shitbag singing about how he hopes cyclists "get hit by a car and die:"


(Mushy shitbag.)

But it's twice as annoying when he's crowing about it all over the Internet, like some fuckwitted hybrid of Paul Revere and Mark Russell.

Anyway, I would have ignored all of this, but then I checked my email and there he was again:


All of this before 8:00 in the fucking morning!  Yeah, I see what he's going for here, but I really don't take kindly to shitty comedians hoping I get hit by a car and die before I've even had my fucking coffee.  Here, watch it again, and try not to want to punch everyone in it in the mouth:



"Who is this asshole?," I wondered, and so I inserted my Google Ass. (Yes, I made the first group of testers for Google Ass, which is the suppository version of Google Glass.  It's a little uncomfortable, but the upside is that nobody knows you're using it on the subway.)

"OK Ass," I intoned, "Who is Todd Dakotah Briscoe?"

Here's what my Ass told me:


People may complain about cyclists in this city, but you know what's an even bigger nuisance?  Talentless NYU graduates who move to Brooklyn and desperately wave their hands for our attention by wishing us dead as they struggle in vain to land a gig on the "Daily Show" or SNL.  Too bad he doesn't realize there's a serious fucking problem in this city with drivers killing pedestrians and cyclists and subsequently receiving what amounts to police protection after doing so, especially since he should know better:

He’s especially interested in telling stories about characters from diverse backgrounds and stories with positive portrayals of the LGBT community.

Wishing cyclists death by car is about as funny as wishing members of the LGBT community death by hate crime.  And since nobody with a brain thinks either of those things is even remotely funny, I don't think this video is going to go very far to advance his comedy career--though it might land him cocktails with that faghag Dorothy Rabinowitz.

Anyway, I certainly don't hope Todd Dakotah Briscoe gets hit by a car and dies, but I do hope he gets priced out of his shitty Crown Heights apartment, has to move to Amsterdam to join some stupid improv group that does lame English-language sketch shows for stoned American backpackers, and then he gets hit by a bakfiets and breaks his toe.

Still, I suppose listening to "Daily Show" rejects wish death upon you is better than being garrotted while you're riding, which a reader informs me has nearly been happening in Northern Ireland:


Mountain bikers using Gortin Glen near Omagh have reported that they are encountering dangerous obstructions across their trails.

Omagh mountain biker Noel Mullen, who uses the glen's trails, said the first traps began to appear about a year ago.

At first, mountain bikers found trees had been pulled across the trails.

But more recently, ropes and fishing line have been found, some tied at head height.

"We would be coming down the trails at 20 mph and there's no way you'd see the fishing line until it's too late, until it gets you," Mr Mullen said.

"If it hit you in the throat and you were going at 20mph, it would seriously hurt you, it would slice you open.

Awful.  You know who thinks that's hilarious though?  Fuckwit here:


Anyway, I can't help wondering if these booby traps are the work of the International Recumbent Conspiracy:



First they create a climate of fear, and then they tell you that on an offroad recumbent you'll limbo right under those deadly fishing lines--or at the very least you'll kick them out of the way with your feet.

Yes, cyclists face many dangers: murderous drivers, wilderness booby-trappers, bike thiefs, shitty comedians...  Fortunately, another reader tells me that the Transit Police in Boston may have found the solution to some or all of these problems, and this solution is cardboard police officers:


“We’re not tied up taking stolen bike reports here so we are more available to respond to more serious crimes that require a police response,” Silen said.

We totally need this in New York City, because if the police don't have to take stolen bike reports they can spend their time doing more important work, like ticketing cyclists.  Actually, I don't think it will be long before the NYPD starts placing cardboard police officers every 20 feet in the bike lane.  Then, when you swerve to avoid it, a real cop will write you a ticket for leaving the bike lane.  Still, I may make up one of these myself and place it next to my bike whenever I lock it.  I think an "offroad version" would also work for thrwarting mountain bike trail booby-trappers.  It could look like Sasquatch--or, even more frightening, Dorothy Rabinowitz.


(How quickly would you void your bowels if you saw this in the woods?)

Anyway, good job by the local news in Boston of totally blowing the cardboard cutout thing.  Now that they know it's fake, those thieves are going to be all over those bikes like Todd Dakotah Briscoe on a cronut.

Lastly, here's an important announcement via Craigslist:



hipster girl wants to makeout with dirty hipster boy - w4m - 25 (bk)

thick, heavily tattooed hipster girl who is phd track is looking for a heavily tattooed hipster boy to neck w... hopefully you have tattoos, ride a bike, love making out, fingering and eating pussy if it gets that hot and heavy and just grinding on eachother.. i have d cups, a bigg ass, wear a lot of skirts and dresses, am very smart and cute, have my chest and hand tattoos and am looking for a cute boy around my age in brooklyn to make out and hangout tonight and through the summer hopefully.. any takers?

You can get a PhD in track?

124 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello? Anybody Home?

ChamoisJuice said...

chicken dinner

Christian said...

POOOOULIDOOORRR!

SHIT.

Anonymous said...

Scranus

Poduim?a

balls™ said...

AYHSMB

Anonymous said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

Tooop Teeeen?

Christian said...

Also, I refuse to give shitbag nary a view on his video, lest it inflate his mushy ego.

Anonymous said...

Retard spelled Hasidic Excorcist wrong. Play sounds better than the vid.

Citibikes are Hasid ankle length dress compatible.

Euro Spondee said...

Sheeet, I was busy catching up on Aussie rules and gefillte fish in yesterday's wikicomments

RoadQueen said...

It's Tuesday. My Friday. Suck it.

0 terolli

I'm thinking pasta for supper tonight...

RoadQueen said...

Oh, and congrats to the winners at the top of the podio.

(dopers....)*mumble grumble*

Track hipster PhD said...

Well, now Todd Dakotah Briscoe can add 'as featured on Bike Snob NYC' to his resume. That'll look good.

ce said...

"Wikipedia (Listeni/ˌwɪkɨˈpiːdiə/ or Listeni/ˌwɪkiˈpiːdiə/ WIK-i-PEE-dee-ə) is a collaboratively edited, multilingual, free Internet encyclopedia supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Wikipedia's 30 million articles in 286 languages, including over 4.2 million in the English Wikipedia, are written collaboratively by volunteers around the world. Almost all of its articles can be edited by anyone having access to the site.[4] It is the largest and most popular general reference work on the Internet,[3][5][6][7][8] ranking seventh globally among all websites on Alexa as of July 2013, and having an estimated 365 million readers worldwide.[3][9]

Wikipedia was launched on January 15, 2001, by Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger.[10] Sanger coined the name Wikipedia,[11] which is a portmanteau of wiki (a type of collaborative website, from the Hawaiian word wiki, meaning "quick")[12] and encyclopedia.

Wikipedia's departure from the expert-driven style of encyclopedia building and the presence of a large body of unacademic content have received extensive attention in print media. In 2006, Time magazine recognized Wikipedia's participation in the rapid growth of online collaboration and interaction by millions of people around the world, in addition to YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook.[13] Wikipedia has also been praised as a news source due to articles related to breaking news often being rapidly updated.[14][15][16]

The open nature of Wikipedia has led to various concerns, such as the quality of writing,[17] the amount of vandalism,[18][19] and the accuracy of information. Some articles contain unverified or inconsistent information,[20] though a 2005 investigation in Nature showed that the science articles they compared came close to the level of accuracy of Encyclopædia Britannica and had a similar rate of "serious errors".[21] Britannica replied that the study's methodology and conclusions were flawed,[22] but Nature reacted to this refutation with both a formal response and a point-by-point rebuttal of Britannica's main objections.[23]"

-Wikipedia

Dirk Woudmann Staplekampp said...

Nice FB, Todd.

McFly said...

Hey next time you're eating your Lucky Charms try turning around backward and using the lid from the commode resevoir as kind of a lil table.

I think you will be pleased.

Although, you may already do this.

leroy said...

Cue Mr. Briscoe's "I was just making a joke, why is everyone taking it so seriously" apologia for lack of comedic talent in 3, 2, 1...

My dog has a sense of humor too.

It's worse than his bite.

But not quite as bad as that whole leg humping thing.

Kenny said...

Thanks for all the great GEARED FIXIE information yesterday, everyone!

Sébastien Lamarre said...

One: girl, do the tattoos have to be real, or can I just use a black felt pen?

second: if that was mountain biking, then BikeSnoT is Dostoïevski.

Anonymous said...

I left that fucking idiot a comment and a downvote to complement my one view added to him. I figure two negatives will outweigh anything positive.

le Correcteur said...

Not even top twenty? Shit!

ntsukn 95

ChamoisJuice said...

Sebastien: Any "thick" girl with tit tats is desperate for attention, and will let ANYONE validate their self worth as a cyclist.

leroy said...

But seriously folks,

If a bowel voids in the woods after spotting a carboard Dorothy Rabinowitz cut out and no one sees it, did it happen?

Waka waka waka, hey...!

I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.

(Mr. Briscoe take note. This could be your future unless you learn not to go with your B material. The hardest part of writing is throwing out your trash.)

RoadQueen said...

That recumbent mountain cycling video was AWESOME!!!!

Hats off to those dudes. I've tried to ride one of those two-wheeled under the seat SWB recumbents....

It's not as easy as it looks.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

leroy, why is your dog silent?

Comment deleted said...

Snob, careful with the L.Charms. Doctors have determined that too much magical deliciousness is bad for your liver.

Regular guy said...

OK, hipster girl, sounds good. But whats in it for me?

leroy said...

Serial --

My dog only had one word for Mr. Briscoe: "Pedestrian."

He was using it as an adjective unrelated to walking.

Comment deleted said...

Mmmm, thick hipster pussy.

-- Eric the Chamferer

Anonymous said...

She want a gravel rac-er
She want a gravel rac-er

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i've postponed my track phd due to an injury... sustained while fingering and eating too much hipster pussy.

TODD DKTA said...

I'm sorry, but you're not the idiot bikers I was referring to.


<3, Todd

Comment deleted said...

Sorry, Mr. Briscoe, but when you insult one idiot biker, you insult all the rest of us idiot bikers.

We idiot bikers stand together.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

@TODD DKTA

i feel so much better, thanks. now i can go and watch your video again and really laugh at all those other idiot bikers who should be hit by a car and die.

thank you thank you...
and i'll take back wishing your mouth was stuffed with shit for singing that... i take it back.

Anonymous said...

Way to bring me down, Todd.

Anonymous said...

MAybe we should refer to the LGBTC community. C for Cyclists. We're oppressed too!

Anonymous said...

Garbage barge!

Acronymious said...

phd, phd, phd ... hmm. I dunno, post-hipster douche? You can take the hipster out of the douche, but you can'take the douche out of the hipster? Well, I know it's not Portland Hipster Douche, cause that's about as descriptive as Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Mr Plow said...

I notice in the recumbent video they only show downhill shots. I'm guessing watching a guy push/carry a recumbent up a hill is not compelling video. Although the close up of the tire tracks in the mud was epic.

fruit_loops_color_factory_worker said...

LGBTC

Oh yes. A thousand times yes.

Wait, no, think bigger: LGBTCMT

MT == Mass Transit.

Who's with me?


Anonymous said...

WCRM:

Lucky Charms? I thought it was Froot Loops!

And Todd Dakotah Briscoe should have taken notice of what you did to Larry Olmsted and Carlos Danger for being DB's before he ventured into the realm of insulting bike riders.

brother yam said...

Links to attention-seekers are bad ju-ju, Snobbie. Don't feed the trolls...

Anonymous said...

Wonder if hipster girl would go for a cardboard cop with an inflatable Gene Simmons tongue?

http://www.amazon.com/KISS-SIMMONS-DEMON-INFLATABLE-TONGUE/dp/B0066X4LD2

Stoopid cardboard demon tongued cop would probably get more than the rest of us.....

Mr Plow said...

Since they installed the cardboard cops I haven't stolen any bicycles. So I guess it's working.

P. Bateman said...

is this tattoo fad ever going to go away? you know what is going to look awesome in 15-20 years? Gen-Y shit dicks that are in their 40's covered in nasty fading, sagging tattoos.

its one thing if you are big bad hell's angel, its another if you ever pushed a high end stroller in your baby making years or ever sat around discussing tasting notes on some local brewery's summer ale.

oh, and i would get more angry at the goober with the "please die" biker video, but i'm thinking it best just to ignore him and he'll likely go pick some other "edgy" topic to try to get a rise out of people - lame. just lame.

streepo said...

The Ph.D in track was way too difficult for me. i recived mine for badminton.

Anonymous said...

SHUTTLECOCK!!

Blog Drafter said...

People like Todd are proof of the success of America. Really, only America can support such foolishness. An affluent, stable, relatively peaceful social environment is conducive to Todd-folk imagining they need to enlighten us with all sorts of distractions and mannerisms that only thinly disguise the depravity of their thinking. Much like evolution tolerates any adaptation at least temporarily, we tolerate Todd-folk because we're successful enough to do so. And Todd-folk, self-centered and clueless as to their assumed superiority, aspire only to write themselves large into the entertainment industry, which is our sole export of value to the rest of the world, and the only thing that millions of Americans relate to and are instructed by. And the rest of the world hates us because of this inane babble that masquerades as culture. Be comforted by the fact that Todd simply would not exist in many parts of the world today…he would be killed soon after his first skit, quite like his easily imagined and moronic dispatch of cyclists.

Also, scranus!

29errr said...

Show me the 650b version of that recumbent and maybe we're in business. Love the kickstand btw.

babble on said...

What?

He wants me to die? :*(

...sniff

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

According to my sources the militant wing of the IRC claims no involvement in the cheese wire debacle plaguing our off-road brethren across the pond.

Besides the hideous colorway here's a pretty cool gravel bent

babble on said...

Anon@ 12:19... ++
Yeah. That's it. Then next year I can ride right behind the Dykes on Bikes at the Pride Parade.

Jeremiah said...

All I can say about Todd Dakotah Briscoe is that he seems to be cutting a perpetual fart. I don't even know how that is possible, but I am pretty sure he's doing it.

3G said...

Scranus!

Still, no posts regarding Serotta going under?

ChamoisJuice said...

RCT: Are you sure you know what "cool" is? That thing combines features of:
-tricycle
-folding bike
-recumbent

Here is a freak bike that includes features of:
-Fat bike
-Tall bike
-BMX bike
-Walmart bike
-FACE TATS
-WIDE BARS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soEbt7eyMVo

McFly said...

Tattoo guns should be harder to appropriate.

I sure hope that dirty craigslister finds true love. Or at least someone to finger her.

It's a start.

JB said...

Those recumbents weren't mountain biking. I didn't see one root or rock that was traversed. Cyclocross? Looked like fun, though.

Anonymous said...

Oh!.....Serotta went under.

Fritos_food_color_factory_worker said...

Serotta... Meh. More consumers burned by the over-promise of the industrial bicycle cycling complex.

All those Serottas (Serotti?) are collecting dust next to the rarely driven but still garaged 2-door Porsche.

JB said...

There aren't many thick, track phd candidates. Shot put, maybe?

BamaPhred said...

Hipster Girl, I hear there's a certain Malayan Tapir who may be interested. Hit up on Todd Briscoe and see where it goes.
Scranus. It was too early for all that.

ge said...

People want to kill me when I don't drive fast enough over the speed limit in a car. That they want to kill me when I'm riding my bike is not news to me. Tell me something I don't know Todd. If only Gilda Radner was still alive. TAAAWWWD!

scranus

oysters_rockefeller said...

JB,

That's the USAC/UCI version of mountain cycle bicycling.

Groomed trail, manufactured obstacle sections. CX event time is 40-60 minutes, the other about 2 hours.

The difference between mountaining cycling and cyclocross is that no manufactured sand pits are permitted on teh mountain cycling course.

One more reason the UCI's version of cycling is worthless.

babble on said...

Are recumbent riders any less likely to break a collarbone?

RoadQueen said...

CJ,

Are you sure that YOU know what cool is?

I'm going to throw this out there: regardless of societal norms, etc., anything that gets you laid is what I would consider to be cool.

Freddy Murcks said...

If we're luck, some bike riding delivery person will deliver Chinese food laced with a deadly poison to Todd Dakotah Briscoe.

And, if I may rant for a moment, it really pisses me off that people think that bike riders deserve to be killed or maimed because they don't follow all of the traffic rules. First, I didn't know that we now enforced the death penalty for failure to stop at a stop sign. Second, since when do car drivers follow all of the traffic rules? I will gladly observe every traffic law to the letter just as soon as drivers stop speeding, texting while driving, running stop lights, and generally stop trying to kill me.

entlyash 1

Regular guy said...

I had a nightmare last night. I was riding a recumbent through some bucolic scenery when I looked into my helmet mirror to see D.Rabinowitz's saying she was phd track.

I'll leave it to you decide which part was the most horrifying.

babble on said...

lol, it's true! I don't know a single thick track rider, though I do know a thick single track rider.

PHD schmeee haitch dee.

Anonymous said...

I would fucking love to ride at full speed into the fat gelatinous todd dakotah and while he is on the crying I would sing him a little song. "you just got hit by a bike in New York City and now your lying on the ground in a pool of blood, you just got hit by a bike in New York city, Karma can be a bitch you little putz" then I would kick him in his pants yabbies for good measure and pedal off on my merry way.

Etherhuffer said...

I think CJ is not willing to admit to his Aspergers. Either that or he was raised by mountain climbers, the PNW version of feral children.

Etherhuffer said...

Oh, and Mr. Todd is just a version of any other person sans talent who uses shock tactics instead. How many bad canvasses have been painted with shocking topics just to get attention? Just cuz Mapplethorpe got away with it does not mean anyone else gets a pass....

Fritz said...

I don't like the Einsatzgruppen look to those Boston cop hats...

CommieCanuck said...

That PhD track ends in a 200 foot fall just around the corner.

Todd Dakoduh has a BFA, which is the only degree program that graduates you less qualified than before you started. It's like a journalism degree specializing in Fox News.

Anonymous said...

Fuckwits from the 6 counties throw cups of piss on schoolgirls when they're trying to get to class primary school, so I don't know what anyone expects.

Yarpo said...

Shit! Le Voiture de Balai is breathing down my ass!

CommieCanuck said...

I think CJ is not willing to admit to his Aspergers..

I contest that diagnosis. Aspergers Syndrome patients can often be savants and excel in areas they can focus on. I see no evidence of this symptom. He has what is defined in the latest DVM as, "being a total 'tard."

Sadly, there is no cure. Give today.

crosspalms said...

Dakota (with an h) will have to come up with a much better offer before he gets any clicks out of me.

In addition to tattoos, does hipster girl also have a job in a nice high-tech office at the state police?

I just saw a Thruster fixie parked near my office. Very colorful. Know how I knew it was a Thruster fixie? Cause it says "Thruster Fixie" on the top tube. I like this straightforward approach. I think I'll get decals for my bikes that say "Slow Road Bike" and "Slower Road Bike (650b)." Then I'll move on to labeling my shoes left and right.

DerZoots said...

@ crosspalms
I think you want to label the feet left thruster and right thruster.

Just tryina helpz.


Robot check point: 99 anczati

I FAILED ROBOT TEST!!!! I r shaken to core. Pentium? I sad.

119 omntsAP

crosspalms said...

DerZoots,
Ooh, then I can say "impulse power, on my mark: Engage." And start walking. Done!

the Commentariat said...

CJ, enjoy your ass burgers, mofo...

Comment deleted said...

Shoot, George Duke is gone. A little funk has just died for good.

Anonymous said...

Hi 3G; I mentioned it last week (although Snobby hasn't yet)*. It was on Bike Radar.

hey nonny mouse

*I don't know, we feed him and he doesn't bite....

g. said...

It would appear that rumors or Serotta's death were slightly exaggerated:
here

Anonymous said...

"Actually, I don't think it will be long before the NYPD starts placing cardboard police officers every 20 feet in the bike lane."

Sounds like a good excuse to run them all down and if you go over the top of a real cop, "Sorry mate, didn't see you!"

Serial Retrogrouch said...

got pulled over yesterday by a copper... along with two other guys... his matey was too busy writing up a ticket for another cyclist, so he didn't know which one of us to write up, so he gave us a 'lesson' and let us go... weeeoow... never riding on 2nd ave again on a nice sunny day.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

though the whole thing could have been cardboard figures... i couldn't tell.

Dooth said...

Dakotah = Drama Queen

Anonymous said...

If Mr. Dakotahhh were to be in an accident would that video constitute premeditation?

Anonymous said...

Yes Babs,

He does want you dead. All of us. And that makes me sad too.

But, at least in Florida, I think you could shoot him and use the "stand my ground" "make my day" "eminent danger" excuse, ur...defense.

McFly said...

When gallabanting around over hill and dale on my mountaineering bicycle (dale will not move...he just lays in the trail like a fucking non-violent resistant idiot) I frequently have to loft my front end over various logs, rocks, dead raccoons, and Meth labs. How in the werld does one do this on a 'bent? Do you have to stop each time and dismount? Seems........pain in the assish.

ChamoisJuice said...

McFly: It's is complicated formula to determine whether a bike IS cool.

It is simple to figure if a bike is UNCOOL.

Can it do a wheelie?

If the answer is no, your bike is wack.

ex 1. ALL recumbents
2. tandems
3. Triatheletes.
DO I NEED TO GO ON?

babble on said...

He's just verbalising what all the other idiot drivers refuse to acknowledge, I suppose. He's in touch with his inner asshole.

I embarrassed my riding partner yesterday when I chased down a woman who drove too close to me and gave her a loud and succinct piece of my mind.

Spokey said...

quennie @ 11:50 AM

"Hats off to those dudes. I've tried to ride one of those two-wheeled under the seat SWB recumbents...."

Absolutely

I've been thinking about getting a recumbent for a couple years. After all what could be better than lying on a hammock and pedaling around. I just borrowed my brother's and you are absolutely right. First time out I went up and down a gravel road. Then graduated to a small area with crisscross streets that has no traffic as you can't really get anywhere. I have yet to go on a real road. Lot's of wobbling all over the place. I'm currently thinking a trike with handlebars up like a chopped motorcycle might be the ticket. But I'll keep trying with this beast.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Mike Vandeman decamped to Northern Ireland after he got out of the slammer.

africansingle said...

"How quickly would you void your bowels if you saw this in the woods?"

I'd rather take my chances in the jungles of the Congo thanks.

Anonymous said...

Have you started thinking about a new name for the blog? GET IN WHERE YOU FIT IN BIKECYCLING INCLUSION SAFETY AND PRACTICALITY BLOG NOW WITH MORE OFFSPRING REARING TIPS

Anonymous said...

Has anyone seen Todd Dakotah Briscoe & bikesnob in the same place? Of course not - Mr Briscoe is just a strawman created by bikesnob to make stupid comments that he can then shoot down.

Same goes for Dorothy Rabinowitz - bikesnob in drag - seriously there is no way that someone that stupid could have lived so long.

Unknown said...

I think it could be fun to flood their 'comedy' group with fake requests to perform:

Want Political Subversities to perform at your school / festival / venue / wedding / family reunion? Have questions? Concerns? Want to date one of us? Just send us an email: info@politicalsubversities.com

wishiwasmerckx said...

99th...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th! So I cheated to get there. Big deal. Everybody in cycling cheats!

Spokey said...

101 is much cooler than 100. Won't even deign to comment on 99. I'd be embarrassed.

dioDiv said...

I really am beginning to think that CJ is just WCRM when his meds start to wear off.

( •_•)O*¯`·.¸.·´¯`°Q(•_• ) said...

http://www.jewsagainstcircumcision.org/counseling.htm

McFly said...

Was on a country road ride this evening and a lady stops me and says THESE DOGS AT THIS NEXT HOUSE WILL TRY TO BITE YOU. She was so right. I falcon kicked that pit mix right in the kisser with a level 9 death blow. I cannot help but feel I had an unfair advantage but I will take the win. 2nd world problems.

Anonymous said...

todd is a turd but at least his mushface isn't on nation tv spouting crap like this ?journalist".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7Z0a53fpe4

RoadQueen said...

McFly,

Nice Dog Slay! Sometimes the only weapon you need is the sole of your shoe. Ninja style.

JB said...

"falcon kicked"?

Nothing like a threatening dog to the get the adrenaline going.

McFly said...

I am not crazy about kicking animals. Unless they are coming at me with teeth bared and are in my Falcon Kick Radius(tm)....AND I am climbing a mild grade. Then I am all in and all for it.

It usually only takes once then you can ride by there all day. They still don't like you but they will just not like you from the porch or yard.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I don't mind them at all when they stay in their yard. Once they come out into the road though all bets are off.

If I can outrun them which is usually the case it's all in good fun and as mentioned the adrenaline jolt can wake you up on a long ride.

I know the country folks like to let their dogs run free and I get that. It's the country but when they follow me out into the road all snarling with blood lust in their eyes that usually works me up a bit. If they're really acting aggressive and I can't get away I jump off the bike positioning the frame between me and the jaws and yell like madman. They always back down after that.

A handful of gravel from the shoulder works well as does pepper spray. One shot of the spicy stuff and they're back in the yard quick.

It's really scary on the recumbent sitting much lower to the road and a biggie is right beside you snapping those jaws.

BamaPhred said...

I bought a can of bear spray. Works like a champ. You can even spray it behind you, they run into the fog, and go to pawing at nose. Some just never learn, either.

McFly said...

I used peppeer spray twice and both times I managed to get some mild overspray on my leg. I don't know how because I was extremely careful the 2nd time. Combined with the perspiration it spread and got really painful really quick.

Try this, I swear it really works and it blows peoples minds when you do it. Yell "GET OFF THE COUCH!!!" as loud as you can. Them suckers will turn tail. I just really wanted to kick this one.

paulb said...

I no longer am on speaking terms with another regular at my local bar because he ranted that he was going to start deliberately running down all the effing cyclists. When I remonstrated, and pretty amiably, too (I mean, it's a bar, you don't expect temperate opinions all the time), he went on an even more vicious rant. Maybe I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

BamaPhred said...

I'm trying that next time. I actually can see how that would work. Off the couch, the porch, the car, etc. now if I could only get a recording of hunny bunch shrieking it I know they would veer off.

McFly said...

Yeah it's definately in the delivery. Something about them all being one syllable words shouted is really effective. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY SCRANUS is just not the same. Of course I would never tell a bitch to get off my scranus. I am speaking hypothetically and mildly extemporaneously.

ChamoisJuice said...

Dogs are good judge of character. EVERYONE hates roadies. McFly, were you wearing stretchy pants?

Dogs, like women, do not care WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it. They respond to the alpha, not shaved leg betas.
GET OFF THE COUCH!
IMAFUCKINKILLYOU!
RUN AT ME. SEE WHAT HAPPEN
All the same to a dog.

Do a poppa wheelie.
Let's go for a walk.
Enter the bonezone.
All the same to a lady. Words don't matter, confidence does.

McFly said...

GET ON THE COUCH!!!

McFly said...

I was wearing shorts of the stretchy variety. Maybe they thought they saw a snake. The lady actually waited up ahead for me and talked my ear off. Maybe she thought she saw a snake.

ROOT SUIT

Roille Figners said...

WANTING me dead is one thing, SPORTO.

Time keeps on slipping into the future said...

Paulb @1124: I was in a bar once that had a fair number of riders go buy. Every time a bike would go by a veteran bar fly would say "fucker", if more than one went by he'd say "fuckers". That was all he had to say. Not exactly a rant, but still...

Barney said...

I learned to ride on a geared fixie in 1957. It was my dads bike and I have a photo of him the day he got it - must have been about 1935. It had a 2 speed sturmey-archer hub gear. If you got going too fast down hill in low gear your feet were thrown of the pedals and you had to hope like heck that the single front brake would stop you before you got to the bottom.

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