Really? It's Too Early For This Crap.

Like most people, it takes me awhile to warm up in the morning, and a lot of shit has to happen before I'm ready to face the world.  I need coffee.  I need an elaborate rum-based cocktail, such as a mai tai.  I need a bowl of Lucky Charms, which I enjoy on the toilet.  Finally, I take a leisurely walk around the grounds of my estate while dressed like a country squire, and only then am I able to conduct business with a clear head.

Sometimes though, I make the mistake of checking my email or my Twitter before I've done all of these things.  This was one of those mornings, and as I futzed with my phone I found a Tweet from this fucknugget:

@bikesnobnyc Bikes in NYC are a big problem. Take a look at this report. http://t.co/EAL7PKgwQX
— PoliticalSub (@PoliticalSub) August 6, 2013

"Who is this putz?," I wondered, and so I checked out his other Tweets:

Evidently he'd been spending the morning Tweeting at everybody about his stupid video.  It's annoying enough to wake up to some mushy shitbag singing about how he hopes cyclists "get hit by a car and die:"

(Mushy shitbag.)

But it's twice as annoying when he's crowing about it all over the Internet, like some fuckwitted hybrid of Paul Revere and Mark Russell.

Anyway, I would have ignored all of this, but then I checked my email and there he was again:

All of this before 8:00 in the fucking morning!  Yeah, I see what he's going for here, but I really don't take kindly to shitty comedians hoping I get hit by a car and die before I've even had my fucking coffee.  Here, watch it again, and try not to want to punch everyone in it in the mouth:



"Who is this asshole?," I wondered, and so I inserted my Google Ass. (Yes, I made the first group of testers for Google Ass, which is the suppository version of Google Glass.  It's a little uncomfortable, but the upside is that nobody knows you're using it on the subway.)

"OK Ass," I intoned, "Who is Todd Dakotah Briscoe?"

Here's what my Ass told me:

People may complain about cyclists in this city, but you know what's an even bigger nuisance?  Talentless NYU graduates who move to Brooklyn and desperately wave their hands for our attention by wishing us dead as they struggle in vain to land a gig on the "Daily Show" or SNL.  Too bad he doesn't realize there's a serious fucking problem in this city with drivers killing pedestrians and cyclists and subsequently receiving what amounts to police protection after doing so, especially since he should know better:

He’s especially interested in telling stories about characters from diverse backgrounds and stories with positive portrayals of the LGBT community.

Wishing cyclists death by car is about as funny as wishing members of the LGBT community death by hate crime.  And since nobody with a brain thinks either of those things is even remotely funny, I don't think this video is going to go very far to advance his comedy career--though it might land him cocktails with that faghag Dorothy Rabinowitz.

Anyway, I certainly don't hope Todd Dakotah Briscoe gets hit by a car and dies, but I do hope he gets priced out of his shitty Crown Heights apartment, has to move to Amsterdam to join some stupid improv group that does lame English-language sketch shows for stoned American backpackers, and then he gets hit by a bakfiets and breaks his toe.

Still, I suppose listening to "Daily Show" rejects wish death upon you is better than being garrotted while you're riding, which a reader informs me has nearly been happening in Northern Ireland:

Mountain bikers using Gortin Glen near Omagh have reported that they are encountering dangerous obstructions across their trails.

Omagh mountain biker Noel Mullen, who uses the glen's trails, said the first traps began to appear about a year ago.

At first, mountain bikers found trees had been pulled across the trails.

But more recently, ropes and fishing line have been found, some tied at head height.

"We would be coming down the trails at 20 mph and there's no way you'd see the fishing line until it's too late, until it gets you," Mr Mullen said.

"If it hit you in the throat and you were going at 20mph, it would seriously hurt you, it would slice you open.

Awful.  You know who thinks that's hilarious though?  Fuckwit here:

Anyway, I can't help wondering if these booby traps are the work of the International Recumbent Conspiracy:

First they create a climate of fear, and then they tell you that on an offroad recumbent you'll limbo right under those deadly fishing lines--or at the very least you'll kick them out of the way with your feet.

Yes, cyclists face many dangers: murderous drivers, wilderness booby-trappers, bike thiefs, shitty comedians...  Fortunately, another reader tells me that the Transit Police in Boston may have found the solution to some or all of these problems, and this solution is cardboard police officers:


“We’re not tied up taking stolen bike reports here so we are more available to respond to more serious crimes that require a police response,” Silen said.

We totally need this in New York City, because if the police don't have to take stolen bike reports they can spend their time doing more important work, like ticketing cyclists.  Actually, I don't think it will be long before the NYPD starts placing cardboard police officers every 20 feet in the bike lane.  Then, when you swerve to avoid it, a real cop will write you a ticket for leaving the bike lane.  Still, I may make up one of these myself and place it next to my bike whenever I lock it.  I think an "offroad version" would also work for thrwarting mountain bike trail booby-trappers.  It could look like Sasquatch--or, even more frightening, Dorothy Rabinowitz.

(How quickly would you void your bowels if you saw this in the woods?)

Anyway, good job by the local news in Boston of totally blowing the cardboard cutout thing.  Now that they know it's fake, those thieves are going to be all over those bikes like Todd Dakotah Briscoe on a cronut.

Lastly, here's an important announcement via Craigslist:

hipster girl wants to makeout with dirty hipster boy - w4m - 25 (bk)

thick, heavily tattooed hipster girl who is phd track is looking for a heavily tattooed hipster boy to neck w... hopefully you have tattoos, ride a bike, love making out, fingering and eating pussy if it gets that hot and heavy and just grinding on eachother.. i have d cups, a bigg ass, wear a lot of skirts and dresses, am very smart and cute, have my chest and hand tattoos and am looking for a cute boy around my age in brooklyn to make out and hangout tonight and through the summer hopefully.. any takers?

You can get a PhD in track?