Wednesday, August 14, 2013

"Wednesday," She Muttered Between Sobs

This guy doesn't own a car:



I do.



Like many bike dorks, I've changed from my "street clothes" to my "Fred clothes" and vice-versa in or around my motor vehicle countless times.  I'm sure you've done it too.  Maybe you stand on an old towel.  Maybe you use a car floormat.  Maybe you do it bareback and you just put your feet right on the fucking ground.

Well, no matter how you've been "dropping trou" while carside, you're doing it wrong--unless you paid $89.99 for the Bontrager ECO changing mat, forwarded to me by a reader:



Step out of your dirty gear and into a fresh set of Skivvies using Bontrager's ECO Changing Mat. Stowed in your car until it's needed, this mat ensures a smooth transition from ride to drive, or can even double as a cycling-specific baby-changing mat. Like all ECO products, each article is unique using post-consumer vinyl such as cycling event banners.

Wow--ninety bucks to stand on some old garbage?  Just when you thought the bike industry couldn't treat you like any more of an idiot, here comes The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company to actually sell you their trash.  I admit I do like the little mesh pocket though.  See, sometimes when I'm driving home in my Fiero the smell of my dirty chamois overpowers me, and you don't want to crash a Fiero since the fiberglass body is liable to shatter.  So I figure if I stow my soiled gear in the ECO Changing Mat the post-consumer vinyl will do a better job of containing the "frumunda" fumes.

Word of warning though--the Bontrager ECO Changing Mat is NOT COMPATIBLE with gravel, so if you're driving your gravel bike to the big gravel grinder Filthy Kans-ass 400 or whatever it is and you need to stand on a gravel surface while changing you'll need the $349.99 Bontrager ECO Gravel Mat:


(A bunch of Bontrager ECO Gravel Mats)

Each Bontrager ECO Gravel Mat is made from drywall scraps salvaged from the most recent renovation of Trek President John Burke's mansion outside of Waterloo, WI, and it's guaranteed to protect your delicate little tootsies from the bumpy hurty gravel.

In other news, I recently received an email from a reader with the following subject:

"Didn't know if you had this pic of Cipo"

And attached to it was the following picture:


I actually did not have this picture.  However, I did a little research, and it turns out it's not a shoe advertisement.  It's actually an ad for Mario Cipollini's short-lived line of "ECO Sex Mats" made from post-consumer vinyl such as cycling event banners.  Here's Cipo about to give a batch of sex mats the old "field test:"


Say what you will about Mario Cipollini, but he's a man who stands behind his product--which is why you never, ever, ever want to bend over in his presence.

Speaking of gravel bikes (I was awhile ago, sort of) I noticed this in Brooklyn yesterday:


I don't know if it's technically a "gravel bike, "or an "endurance bike," or an "adventure all-road bike," or what, but whatever it is it's clear that the road-ish bike with wide clearances and dick breaks is here to stay, because once a bicycle appears on a Brooklyn bike rack with a tilted-down saddle then it's officially mainstream.  And you know what that means.  It means it's time to start the Target/Walmart Countdown Timer...

NOW!



Can you get a fixe at Target?  Yes, for under $60:


A 29er at Walmart?  Obviously:

A "32er?"  Sure.  Why the fuck not?


And how about a "fat bike?"  Well, no.

Sorry, I mean, yes!
Logically then the dick breaked gravel bike should be coming to your local big-box retailer in a matter of months, if indeed it isn't there already.

So if you see one let me know--and in the meantime I'll be out on my Tour de France Stage One Vintage Fixed Gear Bicycle if you need me.

Lastly, is there anything more American than the quest to put a stupid farty motor on a perfectly good bicycle?  And is there anything more irritating than the guy who waylays you and just goes on and on and on and on about nothing?  Well, this guy wants ten grand to do the first thing, but I'd pay him twice that if he'd just stop doing the second thing:



Oh, please.  Just pedal damn thing already.

105 comments:

Anonymous said...

winnaar!

dnk said...

Rob Ford's crack!

BamaPhred said...

Rainy Day Podium?

dnk said...

...pipe!

Anonymous said...

I'm still not a robot!

Anonymous said...

blah blah weed blah blah blah

kisses for my anonymous balls

call me 'Le Tigre'

love to all of you (well, most of you)

Anonymous said...

Tep ton Cleveland yeah!

El Bonkistador said...

Ka-BONK!

Christian said...

Well, I guess I might as well read this now.

Podium dreamz crushed.

Jimboner said...

Ass Pony!
Ass Pony!
Ass Pony!

One for today.
One for tomorrow.
One for Friday.

Leaving tomorrow to ride the ass pony out of IBITIPOCA! See you on Monday.

Fritz said...

would have got here sooner but my dick brakes locked up on me...

mbC said...

Helmet? Check.
Hi-viz vest? Check.
Dad jeans? Check.
Appropriate footwear? Umm, no.

Quite possibly the most dorktastic combination yet.

Anonymous said...

I looove them eytalian photo ads. man. my faves are the somec ones. oooh yeah.

tatemok900

JAH said...

chicken power...errr some chicken thing.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Scranus mat.

Jed said...

One tube and tire for my Surley Pugsley is more expensive than the complete walmart fat bike.
Something tells me that most walmart customers would turn that bike into a folder in short order.

McFly said...

I usually just drag a deer carcass up from the roadside to stand on and do a cycling uniform change. You want to keep the mouth and asshole parallel with the vehicle in case of "oozage".

Anonymous said...

Kudos to the Motovator guy for using a Worksman, but twenty years to figure out how to hook up a Briggs and Straton?

Anonymous said...

Put and engine on a bicycle!

Someone has done it more elegantly. It's called a motorcycle.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
Nothing longwinded today. Grateful?
A question for Leroy's dog -
why all the hoarse intense barking when I'm lying on the ground?

crosspalms said...

"a cycling-specific baby-changing mat"

I will stow that in my diaper bag of courage.

DB said...

Brief post today.
Snob must be studying Australian culture and listening to Men at Work and Olivia Newton John before his trip.

Anonymous said...

Stay in Virginia. You ride that lawn mower contraption in front of me in a bike lane and I'mma cut you.

3G said...

Great review. Why not just replace the whole fucking thing? The frame is probably worth less than the crank you're going to put on it because, you know, you like nice components.

This bike is exactly what I expected plus a little more. The frame and fork are very sturdy lending itself to a good ride. The components are definitely low-end and I expect to replace a few things in the months to come such as the crank arms, seat post, and stem. But that's because I like better components, not because of needing to do it. I've already changed out the brake pads and the pedals. The pedals that came with were ok but I'm used to certain type of pedals. The flip-flop rear wheel gives you the choice of riding in a fixed gear or in a freewheel. Out of the box the wheels needed to be trued but that's to be expected at the $279 price-point. All in all, for the money this bike is really fun to ride! Especially in the fixed gear.

Anonymous said...

I would have expected a Bitchin' Camaro. Not a Fire-O

Anonymous said...

Most incredible part of the Motorvator video: He's married!

Neil said...

dick break? Is that like a sausage party?

Anonymous said...

Dear Motorhead dude:

You are so yesterday..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8Fbq7538HA

DB said...

Hey, McFly:
I've been thinking.
How about a BikeSnobNYC Retirement Commune in your neck of the woods? Build some condos, go for rides in the morning, change over to the camo bikes in the pm and go hunting for Wild Turkey. At night, sit around a firepit, drink the Wild Turkey and discuss stem lengths.
Have a large garage to store our bikes and have a bike shop called Mellow Snobbies.
Build a shrine to Lob and put Babble, RQ, Frilly and Nina on pedestals to be worshiped.
Once a year go on a raiding party to Hincapies place in South Carolina and take all his crabon bikes and sell them on eBay to cover bar tabs.
Every day is weed Wednesday.
Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah. At night we chase our wives in the woods wearing Knog lights.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I figured you for more of a Thruster kind of guy Wildcat.

RoadQueen said...

Congrats podio winners!

I had no idea that getting nekkid next to your vehicle after a ride was such a widespread phenomenon.

I just change when I get home. Meh.

RoadQueen said...

DB, I LIKE the sound of that!

Where do I sign up? Or should I just expect to go to bed in my own bed one night and wake up being worshipped in TN?

Should I pre-pack, or will new worship-worthy accoutrements be provided to my royal liking?

A girl's gotta be prepared, ya know.

Anonymous said...

@DB:
Mellow Snobbies!

Too good.

And the coffee shop attached would be Juan Scranus!

BTW John Burke's manse is in Madison WI

Anonymous said...

CUMM TOWL

Mr Plow said...

At the end of the video he says " I'm not a professional presenter " which put me at ease. For a minute I thought I was being hustled by some slick salesman.
In some ways I admire him for taking 20 years to invent a worse version of a moped. But mostly I just think he is a moron.

Grump said...

Snobby, I saw that "fixed" gear bike at Target a month ago, selling for $99. 30 pounds, and it came with a flip flop hub.

You should get one......for laughs.
.

ouabacher said...

Never had my gaze drawn away from the nude female form like that...... but those TEETH!

Anonymous said...

Someone's re-re-reinvented the Whizzer? Again!

If there are 10 whizzer manufacturers, there have to be 100. Here's the 'merkun one.
http://ezmotorbike.com/

Here's a source for all bike+engine unholiness one can imagine: http://www.bicycle-engines.com/

Robot stack failure

leroy said...

I change inside my motor vehicle after that incident when my dog thought it would be funny to lock me out while my bibs were on the front seat and he preteneded he couldn't hear me over the radio.

Mr Plow said...

My wife is like " should we get a bicycle cycling specific baby changing mat?" And I'm like, " are we really having this conversation?"

Regular guy said...

I watched 2 minutes of the Motorvator video without sound before I lost interest. Did I miss anything good?

flyover bike commuter said...

I never did see cheapo in that add.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. rural 14 --

My dog explains that it is only sleeping canines that are permitted to lie.

But I don't believe half the stuff he says when he's awake.

Anonymous said...

I wish when the Motorvator duder said, "it's virtually indestructible" that someone would have run over and started smashing it like Bluto did the guitar in Animal House.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqpNQ9AJYgU

I would pay for that.

McFly said...

RQ, Having your tubes tied is all the "prepared" you will need.

DB if you can get Kari on board I could see this being something I could get behind. We could have World Championship Thurday Night Regional Motorvator Racing Contests.

At 2:40 he says..."It doesn't push the bike.....it pushes the bike..."
In his defense he states he is not a professional speaker.

DB said...

RQ and Anon:
I think there may have to be an executive committee elected to get Snob and McFly's wife on board with this.
Leroy: your dog could live out his golden years chasing critters. Think he can make the change from city dog to country gentleman?
Juan Scranus. Good one.

RoadQueen said...

DB: Going strictly by Leroy's description of his dog, I'm pretty sure he could handle being in the country, however the gentleman part may be a bit of a stretch.

Leroy will surely clarify.

Anonymous said...

I kinda like the looks of the Cycle Force Tour de France Stage One Vintage Blue 51cm Fixed Gear Bicycle.

It's pretty! Total crap sure, but surprisingly pretty for a WalMart bike.

Fred F. said...

Screw a bike with a motor, I'm inventing a car that uses human power for accelerating and braking.

Here is a picture of my mock-up:

http://indianamerica.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/the-flintstones-car1.jpg

BamaPhred said...

The Cipo innuendo just never gets old. It's always good for a scranus tickle.
The last thing I would worry about is something to stand on while changing in/out of cycling specific clothing. Hide behind, yes, the first thing!
At least it's your dog locking you out, nefarious creature that he is, and not your children, whilst they hoot and point.

Anonymous said...

Bad times indeed.

Trailer pushing the bike.

A piece of prophecy once stated "Whenevereth the pulled begins to push, be the same as the tail to wageth the dog."

DB said...

McFly:
We'd best begin with a couple day vacation for everyone.
It'll be like Burning Snob, or Field of McFly Dreams.
People will come, McFly, People will come.

RoadQueen said...

DB, I think you misspelled 'come'.

15 eLifield <-- It's a sign...

Actually said...

Not literally.

Jan! said...

1) I love how they bleached some of Cipo's teeth in Photoshop, but not all. In fact, looks more like MS Paint than Photoshop.

2) That MotorVator guy had his kid upload the promo video, so now it is sitting there alongside this particular masterpiece of existential pizza.

3) Anonymous at 1:09 PM: "Winnaar"? What are you, a bakfietsing Dutchman?

Roille Figners said...

Standing on a scrap of discarded vinyl to avoid touching the ground sounds like something I would've done back when I used to hop freight trains. But see, next you would burn it for warmth rather than encumbering yourself with it. Don't breathe the fumes! Whole thing's kind of post-apocalyptic, except for the part about the $89.99.

McFly said...

DB we have to ask ourselves one very, very important question before we embark even one more millimeter into this crazy foray.

Is your wife kind of hot? She does not have to be smokin'. A nice rack is a bonus. For the guns of course.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

"...I got married after this, and I broke those too."

"...and it doesn't push the bicycle; it just pushes the bicycle."

MLE said...

WHAT A BUNCHA WORDS.

PBateman said...

i just can't be mean to that guy. he's too...cute? not sure that is quite the word but anyone who wears that vest, and anyone who thinks that anyone else would ride around with that amount of noise following after them is just ...too cute for words.

i love that too: i got married and i broke those too.

Dooth said...

DB, Wildcat strikes me as a Bee Gees-kind-of-guy. He's probably grooving to "Jive Talkin" RIGHT NOW.

DB said...

McFly:
My wife is a smoking hot Special Ed teacher which will come in handy with some of the commentariat.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

DB,

what's her 'special'ty?



4 staltug <-- is this any indication?

DB said...

Dooth:
Kylie Minogue?
Helen Reddy?
Rick Springfield?

Serial R:
Bringing in a good paycheck.

Dooth said...

DB, any minute now he'll comment with: "actually, I'm a big fan of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds."

ME said...

Wasn't Mario Cipollini's short-lived line of "ECO Sex Mats" made from post-consumer condoms and not post consumer vinyl such as cycling event banners?

jerkin'is'werkin said...

Is there a difference between "pushes" and "push"? Of course! It doesn't "push", it "pushes". That's French. Oh God. I think I come. Did I spell that right? Robo sex questioning: Saxterni 19. How can I tell she's 19? Hell, she looks 20.

The Rook said...

Seek medical help if your dick breaks longer than 4 hours. That makes no sense.

GG (google goon) said...

cy·clist(sklst)n. One who rides or races a bicycle, MOTORCYCLE, or similar vehicle. The American Heritage® Dictionary.

Don't you just love irony?

Mr Plow said...

GG
How is that ironic?

Kai Vallon said...

"somebody said 'why don't you put a trailer on the back?'"

So... not even his own idea?

Anonymous said...

HOW DO WE KEEP CJ OUT??, oh, sorry, how do we keep CJ out?

Kraftwerker said...

Ich bin ein Robot...even I know that if you drop something around Cipo, kick it home

GG said...

A cyclist may be a bicyclist or a motorcyclist, which is considered a motor vehicle, which is the mimesis of bicycle cycles everywhere (except bike paths and separated bike lanes, upon which motorcycle cycles are not allowed).
In other words a cyclists can be viewed as a danger to her or his self.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

GG,

since it's the Merkan Heritage Dickshionary, it's not ironic because we are, as cyclists, all inherently dangerous to ourselves... this is Merika, baby.

McFly said...

HAVE YOU THEEN MY BASTHEBALL? HAVE YOU THEEN MY BASTHEBALL?

Square Tapir said...

Dick breaks are what you get when it's too wet and dirty to ride with rim squeezing but you can't make yourself slow down.

anonymoose said...

The guy is wrong to say he invented the trailer motor pusher thingy. Us moter-sickle drivers do this all the time for fun. Have for years. Try hookin' a v6 up. Now, that's good eatin'. And I'm not no robot, neither.

Dooth said...

Dick breaks also occur when you switch partners in a foursome... just sayin'.

GG said...

Better yet, the "Merkan Heritage Dickshionary" says a bicycle cycle can still be a bicycle cycle with a small motor, but put a V-8 on that little trailer thingy and you've got a motorcycle cycle. Shit, we Merkans will put a motor on anything.

Change the Baby, Matt said...

Motor Vader Saddle Seat
Motor Vader Saddle Seat

babble on said...

Mmmm dick breaks. I love to take a dick break.

And I don't need no stinking mat to get nekked. I don't even need an excuse most of the time.

Chad Vader said...

Motor Vader is our other brother...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0

babble on said...

Guess what was too racy for Vancouver city streets? The science of sex. Seriously.

Don't they know that SEX=mmmmmmmmmc2 ?

Anonymous said...

Whoever told that chick that Cipo is holding to curl her toes is a MARKETING GENIUS!!!!

Twaddle said...

Sucka sucka my frozen shit-sicle.

my wifes a genius said...

I want it to be known that I'm the first one to come up with the idea of putting a motor on a Fat Bike. Just imagine what that would look like?

JDH said...

Pretty sure we was puttin motors on bicycles ten minutes after they was 'vented! Robot games? octiclars 5, (Cubs,0).

Anonymous said...

holy pickled frog farts...that fuckwad is launching the latest POC product!

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Rode River Road this evening.

Coming home, I saw a guy cresting the short, but steep, little hill under the George Washington Bridge on a Citi Bike (a few miles from the nearest docking station).

Thought that took the cake until I saw the unicycle a few feet behind him.

Thought I might have been hallucinating, but my dog insists he hasn't spiked my water bottle again.

He says if I want to see things, he'll bake his special brownies for my birthday today. I'm not sure that's a good idea. The more you eat, the hungrier you get. Then you fall asleep.

But I guess it's the thought that counts.

At least I think it is.

babble on said...

Happy birthday, Leroy! If you come to Vancouver I'll bake a cake. xo

waqas farooq said...

You See Current Affairs in Google, Yahoo or Bing..??? Here is a Best Network of Latest all Hot Current Affairs and News updates. All Hot Current Affairs about Entertainment, Classifieds, Mp3, Funny, Wallpapers, Pictures, Videos, Online Jobs, Online Marketing, Hot News, Hot Updates, Article and Latest News, Latest Mp3 Tunes, Internet Online Jobs, Facebook and Marketing Jobs, Online Marketing, Facebook Marketing, SEO Marketing, Latest Funny Entertainment Hot and Lol pictures and Much More Current Affairs Fun
hotcurrentaffairs.com

RoadQueen said...

Happy Birthday Leroy! Many wishes for happiness heading your way. XO

McFly said...

Happy Bday Leroy. May you get a standard cake and a smallish one to rub in your hair AND PUT ON FACEBOOK. Just how old are you?

BamaPhred said...

Magic Mushroom Birthday Greetings, Leroy.

It's never a bad trip when you can see a unicyclist, just beware if you see a Unicorn!

DB said...

Happy Birthday, Leroy.
What did your dog get you?

Blog Drafter said...

Happy Birthday Leroy. In commemoration I've penned a short, not-to-good poem:

Riding, singing, playing ukulele,
we look forward to hearing from you daily,
and your dog too.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Happy Birthday Leroy!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Happy birthday, Leroy.

what did you dog give himself for your birthday? a good licking, at least, no?

crosspalms said...

Happy birthday, Leroy. And your little dog, too...

Stop Foreclosure Dallas said...

This piece of writing gives a lot of exceptional information and inspiration. Really a remarkable blog post I had seen Stop Foreclosure Dallas

waqas farooq said...

Free Promotion of your Website, Facebook Page, Twitter, Google Plus, StumbleUpon, Youtube Views Likes and Subscribes, Pinterest, MySpace, SoundCloud, Instagram and Much More Social Media Promotions. Just add your Promotion Link to this Website and Get Increase your Visitors, Page Likes, photo likes, photo shares Twitter Follow Tweets and Favorites, Youtube Views Likes and Subscribes and Much More.
GetLikeFast.com

waqas farooq said...

Free Promotion of your Website, Facebook Page, Twitter, Google Plus, StumbleUpon, Youtube Views Likes and Subscribes, Pinterest, MySpace, SoundCloud, Instagram and Much More Social Media Promotions. Just add your Promotion Link to this Website and Get Increase your Visitors, Page Likes, photo likes, photo shares Twitter Follow Tweets and Favorites, Youtube Views Likes and Subscribes and Much More.
GetLikeFast.com

salman khan said...

A newest research exposed that only 10% of web designer is applicable SEO into their websites, and only 24% of web designers think that SEO should be implemented. That generally results in you with 76% of web designers that either have no concept what SEO is, think it is too easy and irrelevant and think that this is a useless. That truth was really challenging for me to comprehend, seeing that they are also in the web industry. brody comm