Friday, August 16, 2013

BSNYC Friday Fun No Quiz Short Post Consider Yourself Short-Changed Sucker!



So there I was sitting on the couch in my underpants this morning, enjoying a drinkable strawberry yogurt and vodka cocktail and reading the comments on yesterday's post, when I saw this:

Anonymous said...

$40 to join the Melbourne group ride? For shame BikeSnobNYC, for shame...

August 15, 2013 at 10:34 PM

Oh, please.  I got your shame right here "down under." [Indicates crotch.]

Look, I thought we covered this, but I'll say it one more time:

These people are flying me to the other side of the fucking planet to be a part of this festival (not to mention a bunch of other authors who are coming from who knows where) so if they need to charge people for some shit then that's fine with me.

Deal with it.

And just for that, this person's not even allowed on the ride now, even if they do pay the $40--assuming they even live in Melbourne, which they probably don't.  It's probably just someone in Cincinnati or something who doesn't like the idea that I'm charging for a ride they couldn't even go on anyway.

I mean, come on, what's with people?  I'm telling you, Jesus Christ and I are getting pretty damn tired of this:


I am going to Australia for your sins after all.

Anyway, having said all that, I'm going to totally rip you people off some more by making today's FREE blog post short.  Why will it be short?  Well, I'll answer you the same way I answer my seventeen (17) children when they ask me "why," and here goes.

Because.  That's why.

Hey, I have better things to do than waste time explaining the world around them, and it beats giving them a whole load of shit about "God" and "Jesus."

They'll figure it all out from YouTube anyway.

All right, fine, if you must know, I'm cutting out early because I need to get to a bike auction near Buffalo:


Where I plan to buy this baby:


I'm assuming the vestigial pennyfarthing wheel is part of some road dampening system, which is why I plan to use this as my dedicated gravel bike.

Then, if I have any money left, I'm going to buy myself a Dick Power:

Mr. Albert is also researching Dick Power, a bike builder and riding coach active in Queens from the 1930s to the 1960s. There are scandals to uncover; in 1951, Mr. Power’s son Richard was executed for a murder he probably did not commit.

Why?  Because "Dick Power."  What more reason could you possibly need.

Speaking of gravel bikes and my many children, I was in the park yesterday with the only one of my kids I actually like, and he's zipping along on his little safety bicycle as nicely as you please.  Now, there's a gravel running track in the park, and sometimes he likes to cut over and ride on it, but this time he comes in off the pavement a little too hot and so his front wheel washes out and he goes down.  So as I'm standing over him screaming at him to stop crying and be a man, I realized something:

Holy shit, my three year-old child needs a dedicated gravel bike!

Yes, I'm convinced he'd never have crashed with the right equipment.  So companies, are you listening?  You need to make a dick break-equipped gravel-specific bike with 12-inch wheels (a "12'er" I believe it's called), preferably with a crabon frame for vertical compliance.  (You have to compensate for the stiffness of those short frame tubes.)  Of course, a bike you grow out of in six months can't be too expensive, so if the retail price is a penny over $2,500 I'll take my business elsewhere.

Oh, did I mention it should have Di2?  Yeah, you can't expect them to operate mechanical shifting systems with their dainty little hands.

In the meantime, I suppose we'll have to visit a custom builder.

And don't try to sell me on one of those department store gravel bikes, because it's not going to cut it:


(Spotted by a reader.)

Please.  I bet those tires aren't even tubeless.

Lastly, here's a lesson from the Mormons:



Yeah, nice story and all, but Jesus didn't do shit for you, kid.



120 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium?

theEel said...

WEED!

Anonymous said...

PODIUM!!

Astroluc said...

top 5!

Anonymous said...

I had a wet dream.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Holy shit!

ge said...

\(^v^)/

Buffalo Bill said...

So, painting your bike red is a sin?
No wonder those nice boys who come to my door seem so confused, they've been trying to figure out shit like that since they were 2.


JB said...

Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?

ge said...

No Gravel Blaster. Yet another way my childhood was deprived. How'd we survive to "adulthood", agewise, I mean.

africansingle said...

Surely Jesus told the little fuck not to spray onto chrome ?

Anonymous said...

Top XX

g. said...

Oddly enough, I experienced a dick power break this morning. My wife told me it happens to everyone and it's not a big deal.

JB said...

Likewise, dick power brakes can be cured with Monistat.

crosspalms said...

I can see why you'd want one.

NON-BELIEVER said...

Lets see, it's the miracle of the dripping paint that suddenly adheres and has to be scraped off over three days while Dad stands around watching. Oh, yeah, that one.

Vernal Magina said...

Are you the Key Master?

Anonymous said...

Stupidest religion on the planet. Morons.

crosspalms said...

Or maybe this is what you need for your son.

Dick Break Fast Club said...

Bender: Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage.

babble on said...

Mmm dick power!

Anonymous said...

I grew up in rural Iowa. *Every* bike was a gravel bike.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Dick Brakes Power

P. Bateman said...

my sins are as white as snow? good to know. actually is kind of encouraging.

that reminds me, need to go pick up the 8ball from my guy today.

weekeend weather forecast: heavy snow with a chance of coke fueled casual sex.

DB said...

Snob:
Sorry to hear about your child's unfortunate bicycle spill.
Perhaps if he had a motor he would have made the transition to and gravel more easily.

DB said...

Hey Leroy:
Does your dog know Arfie?

Didn't notice any people of color in that video. And was the sky revolving around the earth?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That kid is an idiot. I'm glad my bike is different from all the other kids.

DB said...

Have the Scientologists made a bike-themed moral lesson video?
I'd like to see that one.

mikeweb said...

I had a most unfortunate and disappointing first CitiBike experience this morning. My conclusion: it's about as useful and necessary as the street vendors who sell framed pictures of Frank Sinatra, Rihanna and Justin Beiber. 'Tis a shame.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sweet ride there Wildcat. You must get yourself a pair of steampunk goggles for when you schlep that thing around.

africansingle said...

Babble, did you also notice that the Dicks Power get smaller with each generation in Crosspalms' link? Size of the times, I guess.

Anonymous said...

Q: Why do Mormons bury the dead with their butts up in the air?

A: So they'll have a place to park their bikes when they visit

JB said...

I want to ride the bike with the vestigial pennyfarthing, I just don't want to portage it. In Portland, that thing would pretty much get you the Mayorship.

McFly said...

FINALLY!!! Some real irony.

Daily readings of this blogulation are FREE and hilarious and entertaining but it's $40 to hang out with you in real life and you are probably all socially awkward and twitchy.

JB said...

Also, mikeweb, we're going to need some details.

Anonymous said...

Dick Power is Cippolini's screen name.

Anonymous said...

I seriously doubt Babble ever see's Dicks getting smaller.

Dick Power said...

Eating pussy.

deeeeep_thoughts said...

Weekend thoughts:

What if a bunch of self-serve rental cycling bikes with no corporate logos instead of the blue bailout bikes were installed in NYC? Would there be more or less use?

Discuss.

The illuminati doth spoken

mikeweb said...

JB,

Without going into details, anything with a 60% failure rate when first trying it out, instantly eliminates it from the useful or necessary categories.

$95 per year or $10 per day for something that may or may not be available or in working order when needed seems to be only a less expensive version of Canada's grundle's shitty health insurance system that we all know and love.

Matt said...

You know, you could take that Buffalo Bike with the vestigial penny farthing wheel and put a gasoline motor back there! It would be great! Then you wouldn't have to pedal. Also you could ride in flip flops.

balls™ said...

I assume this short post come with a short stem, er, down under.

crosspalms said...

Mikeweb,
When Obamacare is fully implemented, bikes with preexisting conditions will be fixed instead of just languishing in the docks waiting to die. Soon, soon....

Vegemite Sandwich said...

Snob ...don't get caught in a rip at Wonga Donga Beach...grab a stubby and stay under the umbrella

Spokey said...

Hey I sympathize with the kid. Who the hell wants a chrome bike?

I like my red, the light blue, the dark blue, etc. I'd be mortified to ride around on a chrome bike.

Of course I guess you can expect a chrome bike from parents who get you a dog and name it 'arfie'!

Dad helped him get the red off? How? By leaning on that wall with his arms folded to keep the wall from falling on the kid and his bike? Get some real parents kid. It will open up the whole world for you.

Spokey said...

oh and congrats to the podi of course

Fritz said...

I want to go undulating on a

Rex Cycle
fitted with gravel tyres

Roille Figners said...

Eureka, I believe you have found the Missing Link between Bicyclo pennyfarthus and B. safetii!

g. said...

Interesting turn of events in California:
After Fatal Crash With Cyclists, Driver's Tweets Help Spur Murder Charge

Yarpo said...

Got about 18 seconds into the Mormon Kid video before the twinkly music forced me to abort and eject.

Caught up on three days worth of posts: a late (but never too late) Happy Birthday, Leroy! and Congrats to samh and Serial Retrogrouch for yesterday's podio.

Nerd Salesguy with Helment, safety vest AND flip flops was truly, truly, annoying. As an annoying person, I know annoying when I see it.

Wearing flip flops while I peck this out, don't own Crocs, never mind white Crocs (which you can't wear after Labor Day anyway).

A Day Off finally! Weed-infused road ride in the cards, fog burning off, the views will be niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Play outside this weekend folks, and fer Lob's sake, wear your healment!!

"THIS is a knoyf."

Anonymous said...

It's not a 12er, it's a douzie. Duh! Misinformed geezer.

Anonymous said...

DICK POWR

Anonymous said...

Dafuq I just watch?!?

religion is retarded

Anonymous said...

Snob, your son wasn't texting when he crashed on his bike was he?

Spokey said...

McFly @ 12:11

good point. He'd probably make more money charging the $40 to NOT hang out with him.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Snob!, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Savior today. He did after all die for your sins, although I'm not sure how that actually works since he died like 2013 years ago. Anywho.

Your's in Christ

Anon 1:42

crosspalms said...

Leroy's dog told me the $40 includes round-trip airfare and a limo to the airport. Sweet. He told me to send the check to him, so I did.

Udder said...

I wouldn't pay $40 to see Ernest Hemingway. Muriel Hemingway naked, maybe.

Etherhuffer said...

So that's the family that stole my 11.8 Voyageur in full chrome. Azzholes

Comment deleted said...

Good non-post today, Snob. Although the non-quiz wasn't one of your best.

Anonymous said...

New to me...
Chris Froome Looking at Stems
http://chrisfroomelookingatstems.tumblr.com/

Anonymous said...

Darn you, now I'm seeing the lateral stiffness/vertical compliance everywhere.

http://www.core77.com/blog/kickstarter/new_advances_in_the_bamboo_bicycle_semester_hextube_bamboo_carbon_fiber_bike_25373.asp
"lateral stiffness from the steel rear triangle, but vertical vibration dampening from the composite tubes"

What a dick said...

Check out #10

http://uptownalmanac.com/2013/08/tech-founder-complains-about-shithole-city-hes-forced-make-his-millions#comments-anchor

Anonymous said...

me likey

Anonymous said...

my bikey

Highonfumes said...

The dad should have show his son the magical power of paint stripper.

Future King of Park Slope in training said...

A third wino broad could totally ride standing on those training wheels.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see the phrase "wino broad" making a repeat appearance.

leroy said...

My dog agrees that it is never too early to create memories your children will share years later in therapy.

I'm not sure how much practical experience he has raising kids, seeing as his gear is fixed.

I'm not buying his claim that Arfie from that video cheats at poker.

And I'm definitely not letting him near the srpay paint I picked up for marking the course for this year's TA Century.

Ride safe all!

leroy said...

My dog also informs me that Arfie is very down to earth and not at all stuck up like you might expect a big celebrity to be.

I'm not sure if he's serious.

Also not sure where he's getting those $40 checks for plane tickets to Australia.

Dooth said...

One can't possibly go through life with a Dick Power appellation and NOT leave behind a few scandals to uncover.

Anonymous said...

why the fuck did I watch that fucking video???

Spokey said...

Anonymous @ 1:42 PM

More accurately, he died about 1980 years ago for snob's sins.

Mr Plow said...

Why did that Mormon kid buy spray paint from some dude in a trench coat? Do they not have hardware stores in Utah?

Judas said...

Was that 30 or was it 40 pieces of silver to join that group ride?

DerZoots said...

@ Mr Plow
I thought that was over the top too. That shit sucked.
Why is the spray paint lobby allowing this?



RObot word confusion: 44 tongPT

Anonymous said...

That Trek Gravel Blaster must have airless tires, not tubeless.

Anonymous said...

For his tireless research of Dick Power, that Albert fellow is a real prince.

BamaPhred said...

Sitting this one out. Have a great weekend.

Cipo said...

Eating a Stromboli stuffed with...

babble on said...

Yes, please! Sign me up for the dick break fast club. You'd better put me down for lunch and dinner, too. Mmmm dick breaks. :)

Cheers, Leroy. I was hoping to leave a legacy. Now I realise I will be remembered in years to come, for sure.

The RCMP will be charging nasty lady in the BMW who wouldn't play nice yesterday. It's unusual for them to issue a motor vehicle violation if they've not witnessed the incident, but the dozy mare didn't think she had done anything wrong, and admitted to doing it!

Spokey said...

thanks babs

for leading the charge and making us all a wee bit safer.

On a more serious note, I'd advise agin the dick'fast, lunch, & dinner club. I hear it will send your cholesterol sky-high.

Anonymous said...

$40!!!! That's not the Aussie way. Better to hand outside and jump on the back when you and the landed gentry start rolling. Free country!

MJ said...

You kind of seem like a Grumpy Cat concerning this Jesus fellow

babble on said...

I'm tired of being target practice.

Saw a guy riding a bike wearing a pink tee shirt today. The shirt read "If Jesus comes back, kill him again.com"

Apparently this is actually the name of his website.

Max Power said...

Stupid kid brother. Gets all the chicks and all the attention.

Token non-Mormon said...

Mssrs Plow & Zoots:

You think that's something, try buying weed in Utah.

McFly said...

Uhhhhhh Babble I don't want to point out the obvious but you probably could have stopped at I'M TIRED OF BEING TARGET PRACTICE.

MONY SHOT

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Ann Lingus said...

douzie!!

TLLR

EFCT

DOWN

UNDR

SCLY

AKWD

Comment deleted said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Comment deleted said...

kokon ali, you really seem to grok what this blog is all about. Can you elaborate on where you would like to see it go?

SEO Spammers Should Fuck Off

Angie Kritenbrink said...

I like Friday better without the quiz.

Cipo, Accept no Substitute said...

"I hear it will send your cholesterol sky-high." Not so, near 100% protean. Gives your hair a great sheen. I recommend two does a day.

Alligator Dundee said...

SNOB: If you spring for an airline ticket for BABBLE I'll shell out $40.00 for the ride, provided it ends at Aussie's version of Wreck Beach.

Anonymous said...

The Cat 6 elite now have even MORE people to be bothered by when they aren't crashing into each other.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324823804579012611353639956.html?mod=WSJ_article_EditorsPicks

The bicycle industry won't know WHAT to do with these folks. No crabon for you!

babble on said...

You pick up the tab for my ticket and I'll pretend the whole city is clothing optional.

They've done a re-think about cholesterol...turns out it's not so bad after all. I recommend at least three dick breaks a day.

babble on said...

I had an itch this week, a tingling, burning, chafing, raw spot between my thighs. Now I'm happy, though, andback in the saddle again!

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Oh, geez...a pathetic 100!

Research and Reveal said...

I like this blog style,


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iwasagringo said...

Last words, bitches! Suck on that, styleuno.com trendsetter bedwetters.

africansingle said...

Digital EPO trumps DickPower, yes, Babble, funny but true http://www.digitalepo.com/

feipeng wu said...

Thanks for sharing.
I like the bike.

Oolong

babble on said...

That's BRILLIANT. :)

Anonymous said...

Babble your legs look like they could clench up a tear a cock clean off. I hope you have a nice fluid control over their torque.

babble on said...

Are you kidding? I love a dick break. I always treat them with tender loving care.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you're in luck. Copake is only 100 miles up the Taconic in Columbia County. You can buy the bike with the vestigial penny-farthing & be back in lob's country for dinner. (

Evan said...

What the fuck? Why did they make me feel bad for the piggy bank!?!?

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Metro said...

Great site Bike Snob - look forward to your Melbourne appearance tonight!

Metro said...

Great site Bike Snob - look forward to your Melbourne tonight!

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