Monday, June 24, 2013

Adventure This: The Call of the Mild

[Begin with idle weather chat.]

Whew, it's a hot one today!

[End idle weather chat.]

Well, enough about the weather.  So, bikes!  Between bike corrals and all those bike share stations, local curmudgeons love to complain about how bike parking is taking away car parking from the honest, hardworking drivers whose registration fees and fuel taxes are paying for all this wonderful infrastructure.  Meanwhile, bike advocates counter by pointing out that a bike rack provides parking for dozens of self-entitled gentrifiers, while a car parking space serves only one morbidly obese family who break into a sweat during the twelve-foot waddle from the SUV to the pizzeria.

Well, it turns out that the bike advocates are actually wrong, and this photo from Leroy proves that SUV parking can benefit cyclists too:


Something tells me a shitload of old crappy ten-speeds are going to hit the local Craigslist tonight.

Meanwhile, further to yesterday's post, a commenter is fine with my calling Americans stupid but draws the line at being mean to Dorothy Rabid-O'Witch:

Stuart said...

Congratulations, Bike Snob! I have often watched the transition of Americans from America-love-it-or-leave-it patriots to head shaking I-can't-believe-its. The crucial factor is leaving America and living overseas where you can get a better perspective on how stupid Americans are. You have managed the transition without living overseas.

I do think the Rabinowitz jibes are getting a bit too cruel, however, verging on ageist. They're not funny.

June 22, 2013 at 7:46 PM

I disagree that I'm being too cruel to Dorothy Rabinowitz, for I believe that when a public figure crosses a certain threshold of stupidity they forfeit the right to be treated with respect.  Plus, it's not like Rabinowitz is being stupid about something harmless.  We're not talking about movie or restaurant reviews here.  We're talking about matters of actual life and death.  Every year a subway carload of people is run down and killed in this city and she wants to make it seem like bikes are the problem?  What kind of scaly reptilian creature thinks this way?

[Hint: this kind of scaly reptilian creature.]

Furthermore, I especially disagree about the "ageist" thing, since I've reviewed my comments from Friday and they're not ageist at all.  My first assertion was as follows:

She has a urinary tract infection that keeps her up at night.

So is a urinary tract infection a condition reserved only for the elderly?  Hardly.  Here's what causes UTIs:

Usually, germs get into your system through your urethra, the tube that carries urine from your bladder to the outside of your body. The germs that usually cause these infections live in your large intestine and are found in your stool. If these germs get inside your urethra, they can travel up into your bladder and kidneys and cause an infection.

Women tend to get more bladder infections than men. This is probably because women have shorter urethras, so it is easier for the germs to move up to their bladders. Having sex can make it easier for germs to get into your urethra.

I think we can rule out the "having sex" thing, so basically what this means is that Rabinowitz is wiping back-to-front.  If anything, a woman of her age should know by now how to keep from "begriming" her pee-pee hole:



(I should also add that, as of now, there is no proof whatsoever that you can contract a urinary tract infection from a Citi Bike.)

I also accused her of the following:

She has a Brillo Pad for a "muff."

Again, this has nothing to do with her age, and I'm sure she's had an abrasive Brillo Pad muff from the moment she hit puberty back in 1926.  I also suspect that, in addition to being scratchy, her Brillo Pad muff also goes all pink and foamy when you wet it, which could be contributing to those urinary tract infections.

Anyway, the "all-powerful bike lobby" is certainly no match for the AARP, so you can be sure I wouldn't say anything to get on their bad side.  The last thing I want is for them to mobilize their anti-cycling strike force.  One moment you're just riding along in the bike lane on your Citi Bike, and the next one of these bad boys is bearing down on you:


As you turn around and disappear beneath the bumper, the last thing you see is a wool flat cap barely visible just above the dashboard, and a pair of hands with giant swollen knuckles gripping the steering wheel.

Speaking of getting run over, could it be that the NYPD is actually stepping up their investigation of deadly crashes?


Bike lanes and bike share is nice and all, but if they can change "No criminality suspected" to "No, criminality suspected" then we'll finally be getting somewhere.

In the meantime, things are so desperately bad for cyclists in most of America that we're now resorting to simply begging our neighbors not to kill us:


Here's more about the project and how it harnesses the awesome power of pathos:



I was so moved that I actually made a contribution.  However, my contribution wasn't a monetary one.  Instead, I contributed another "Please don't kill me" trading card:


I'm now typing this sentence with one hand because I'm using the other one to pat myself on the back for saving a life.

Elsewhere on Kickstarter, a cunning man has styled himself as a "family adventurer" in order to fund his latest summer vacation:



So you live in Portland and you schlep your kids around in a "bake-feets?"  Fie!  This guy rode a Family Criterium of Smugness around Iceland:


The trip, he reports, was not easy:


Though as it turns out the hardship had nothing to do with the punishing headwinds and forbidding terrain. Rather, it was the constant cries of, "Hey Dad, why the fuck couldn't we have gone to Disney World?!?" from the trailer that made the trip so brutal.

Nevertheless, this tireless family adventurer simply turned up the Bj√∂rk on his iPod and pressed bravely onward.

Yes, he's Sir Edmund Hillary meets Clark W. Griswold, and this time they're going to retrace the steps of Lewis and Clark:


Now, I know a thing or two about cycling with kids.  (Or one kid, anyway.  I mean, I have 17 kids, but I only like one of them enough to take him out on the bike.)  I also know something about taking kids on adventures.  Just yesterday, I exposed my own kid to wild animals--though to be honest those animals were in a zoo, and also we took the train instead of the bike because, uh, air conditioning.  (I did take my axe though, just in case.)  Still, he might want to rethink that book title:


Again, I'm not saying change the trip.  I'm all in favor of dragging children over mountain chains, as long as I'm not the one who has to do it, because it sounds kinda hard, and also air conditioning.  All I'm saying is change the title.  You know, maybe just replace the word "Perils" with "Joys."  As it is, it's a little bit Michael-Jackson-dangling-his-kid-over-the-balcony.

Either way, it sounds like a great trip, and years from now the kids will argue about what they enjoyed more: Collecting roadkill data:


Or grappling with Sumo wrestlers:


Fuck it, I'm renting a Hyundai and going to Six Flags.

118 comments:

Comment deleted said...

Begriming the podium.

Flyover BC said...

Podium?

Anonymous said...

podee um

@rural_14 said...

Rural 1st!
2nd loser?

ach, the robot tricked me.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

ding ding dong

RoadQueen said...

Congrats, Comment deleted!

babble on said...

Monday Kisses!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

Is there a Six Flags over New York or New Jersey? What were the six flags?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

i am recharging the A/C in my car as we "speak".

is that so wrong?

ChamoisJuice said...

off the back...

Anonymous said...

yeah, me too.

(Fuck it, I'm renting a Hyundai and going to Six Flags.)

RANTWICK said...

Crap! Shunta read it first.

leroy said...

My dog liked the "Hello, I'm a Cyclist" project, but had a suggestion to tie their music to their handbill.

I don't mean to give away any canine secrets, but dogs have been posting flyers like that to meet up with missed connections long before craigslist.


Marcel Da Chump said...

Wiping tutorial.

ChamoisJuice said...

Action Park shits on Six Flags.

Upstate Rural said...

suck it, chamois juice!

babble is hot

SCRANUS

Comment deleted said...

Thank you, RQ. And your advice worked out very nicely.

Comment deleted said...

Damn you, Leroy. Coffee out the nose again. What a waste of perfectly good caffeine.

RoadQueen said...

YAY Love!

:D

I was wondering how things were going for you. Congratulations there, too!

Looks like you're in top form all around. :-)

ChamoisJuice said...

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/van/cas/3891752053.html

mikeweb said...

Cd, FTW!

Roille Figners said...

Deuce.


"Vanilla Ice, gimme my goddamn money or I'm-a drop you off this balcony."

but shughes

leroy said...

The guy riding with his dog in the "Hello, I'm a Cyclist" video is further proof that people and their pets tend to resemble each other over time.

My dog hates it when I say stuff like that.

Probably why I say it.

Anonymous said...

Adventure Dad wants warm showers.

babble on said...

CJ, are you trying to get my attention? Oh bless... that's so cute.

babble on said...

There's a Moon over Babble Cheeks

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BUTT WIPE

RoadQueen said...

Haha! Good one, RCT.

DerZoots said...

Monday.
I am here.
Work is stupid.
The moon was big last night but the fucking clouds got in the way.
Didn't see as much as I should have.

That is all.

robot dragnet: iTdopo Lieut

CommieCanuck said...

The America-is-fucked posts are just a case of the grass being greener syndrome. You want fucked, watch 30 minutes of Italian TV and try and figure out how Da Vinci and Ernesto Colnago ever got their shit together, and then there is Silvio Berlusconi, the Rob Ford of Italian politics.
Meanwhile, if you kill a cyclist in Spain, you don't go to jail, you sue the grieving family for the damages to your douchemobile BMW.

So, everywhere is fucked.

However, producst like this, still keep 'murica in the lead for fuckedupedness.

babble on said...

That's nasty.

It's true, Commie. It's not just Americans. Humans as a species are too-stupid-to-live. But we've pretty much taken care of that, anyway. It's just a matter of time now...

Comment deleted said...

Two planets are talking, and one says to the other "I've got a bad case of humans."

The other planet says "Don't worry, it'll go away."

DB said...

Hey, Babble:
Sunday NYT travel section did their 36 Hours article in Vancouver. How did they do?
Did a triathlon yesterday, swim, bike and golf. Golf was the toughest.

Jed said...

BRIL O BUSH

We need to introduce old dotty her to her lost twin, Judge Judy. Together, those sock puppets could de-grime the pavement off the BQE.

Anonymous said...

"Just Ride"

McFly said...

Nice work Leroy.

ChamoisJuice said...

Action Park was an amusement park, open from 1978 to 1996 in Vernon Township, New Jersey,...It was one of the first American water parks.[1] Many of its attractions were unique, attracting thrillseekers from across the New York City metro area. The park's popularity went hand in hand with a reputation for poorly designed, unsafe rides; under aged, under trained, and often under the influence staff;[2] intoxicated, unprepared visitors; and the consequently poor safety record.
At least six people are known to have died as a result of mishaps on rides at the park. It was given nicknames such as "Traction Park"[3]"Accident Park", and "Class Action Park"[4] by doctors at nearby hospitals due to the number of severely injured parkgoers they treated. Little action was taken by state regulators despite a history of repeat violations. In its later years personal-injury lawsuits forced the closure of more and more rides and finally the park itself in 1996.


Mildly entertaining podcast.

babble on said...

DB: Not bad at all! I haven't been to Refuel yet, but it's just around the corner, so maybe for lunch today...

Michael said...

Pursuant to your "Family Adventurer" collecting roadkill data on his trip... I biked the southern tier in 2008, from San Diego to St. Augustine, and my friend Katherine and I counted the roadkill. We took a bunch of photos, and made a map and everything: http://roadkill.michaelgeraci.com/

BamaPhred said...

Yeah, that's what I want, Kit Carson meets up with Sparky Griswold and they collabo on bikeen the Lewis and Clark adventure, with no AC, not that you would need it at altitude.

Leroy wins the internets, again. I dare not comment further, except to say all Lobs people said amen to CD's comment.

Anonymous said...

CCanuck Re: Italia...so true. But again, yesterday I did SellaRonda bike day. Awesome!

http://www.sellarondabikeday.com/en/news.html

And Snob, weren't you going to BUY a Hyundai? why rent?

Anonymous said...

The US may have it shortcomings but at least we are not Canada. It's easy not to be widely disliked when your global relevance is zero.

Comment deleted said...

I've never subscribed to the theory that if everybody hates us we must be doing something right.

Because logic.


word VExecus

CommieCanuck said...

Oh yes, Canada is globally irrelevant, unless you like water. Or oil. Or food.

Maybe we should invade some small countries for fun, lose a bunch of wars, go broke, and become relevant. That would be cool.

Personally, my family enjoys our irrelevance.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Begrimed!

crosspalms said...

We are not Canada; we are Canada's underpants. I thought this had been made clear.

Anonymous said...

"Tonight I make bike.

Please don't kill me."

I want this, I NEED this on a jersey for my bicycle cycling. Who's in with me?

McFly said...

If you just glance at that Wipe Technique Demo it looks like the subject is hand-removing the doody from his/her butthole.

FLIN GPOO

crosspalms said...

Commie,
Thanks for the food!

Dave said...

America's Motto: WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY

- should be a bumper sticker with letters ten feet tall on the ass of the USS George H.W. Bush.

But is this arrogance such a bad thing? We defy not so much all the other nations of the world, as the Universe itself, silly as it may seem. We're here - get used to it.

CommieCanuck said...

I want this, I NEED this on a jersey for my bicycle cycling. Who's in with me?

Right up there with, "bummer of a birth mark, Hal."

Roille Figners said...

Huh, well you learn something every day. Didn't happen that way, he says. Just ashamed? True or not, it's still the best story in hip-hop.

TONITE I MAKE THE BIKE

WIPE BKWD

Babs quit bein' so HYOTTT!

Commie: tell it, my negga

USA's Mom said...

That's right dear, the only reason everyone hates you is because of how AWESOME you are.

Anonymous said...

Just so I understand, when we speak of the almighty lob, are we referring to a crustacean or political advocacy group?

Dooth said...

As a not-so-distant future member of the AARP, I'm appalled at your Brillo pad description of Dottie's muff. It's ageism at its most sordid stereotype. We all know Dottie has a Brillo pad IN her muff.

crosspalms said...

I think it refers to the Folly Floater

Anonymous said...

From the "Convenient Truth Contest" of 2007.
This stuff never goes away.

BamaPhred said...

Other more verbally and literary-ly skilled posters can fill in the details, but Lob is the Almighty Lobster, God of Bikeen, WCRM/RTMS/BSNYC is his High Priest/Prophet, and we are his subjects, I think. I have been wrong before, probably no less than 5 minutes ago, I'm sure.

I has has nkrsbti, I hope there is a shot for that.

McFly said...

I want to spend 46 minutes cycling the circumference of Babble's badonkadonk.

CommieCanuck said...

Other more verbally and literary-ly skilled posters can fill in the details, but Lob is the Almighty Lobster, God of Bikeen, WCRM/RTMS/BSNYC is his High Priest/Prophet, and we are his subjects, I think. I have been wrong before, probably no less than 5 minutes ago, I'm sure.

This is absolutely accurate, but you forgot the reasons for all the typos in the comments is because we all are naked and dipped in clarified butter with lemon wedges, as Lob would want us to be.

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck- your need for attention is sad. Please stop posting so much.





Vegas said...

Ageist? No. Funny as fuck? Yes.

Re: the "Please don't kill me" stickers: I believe that drivers who do not read or obey street signs in the first place are unlikely to notice stickers on the back of said signs with print so small you can barely read the "Hello" at the top.

That said, absolutely let me know when the "Tonite I make the bike" t-shirt becomes available in the WCRM online BuyazongiftbayEstore.

Anonymous said...

Canada irrelevant? Are you kidding me! who do you think gave us such incredible innovations like....poutine? nevermind.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous -your need for attention is sad. Please stop posting so much.

Comment deleted said...

If you count all the posts from "Anonymous", they greatly outnumber those from Commie Canuck.

You attention whore.

CommieCanuck said...

Hey, if you really are "anonymous", hack my computer and shut me down.
Go internets retards.

Anonymous said...

I am the real anonymous, not that other pussy with no name.

JB said...

Where'd Frilly go?

Anonymous said...

America irrelevant? Are you kidding me! who do you think gave us such incredible innovations like: automatic weapons for the mentally retarded
house loans to people with no jobs
Fracking
bullets that shoot pork
Ryan Seacrest
Portland
American Idol
Dick Cheney
Dick Trickle
Dick Van Dyke

Anonymous said...

Bag of Dicks

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I thought Ryan Seacrest was canadian?

Anonymous said...

Justin Bieber is canadian. nuff said.

slppy said...

family's bikes.org. they rode from the top of ak to the bottom of Patagonia with their kids, htfu

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Freddy Murcks said...

Anonymous said - "Just so I understand, when we speak of the almighty lob, are we referring to a crustacean or political advocacy group?"

Clearly, you're new here. Lob is a mighty diety. And just for future reference, the Almightly Lob should always be capitalized. If you offend Lob, it could very well be the last faux pas you ever commit.

industrial mousuld

the Commentariat said...

Ha, ha...he said "dick."

Fuckwhataplace said...

Sheese, why is anyone on CC's case?

Tonite I "make ichiple"

Anonymous said...

Roadkill:

Narelle Autio & Trent Parke won the 2000 World Press Photo 1st prize, Nature stories with their photos of australian roadkills


(sheesch yet)

Anonymous said...

What is the proper wiping technique when you are sporting Depends?

Skidmark said...

Who cares about wiping.

cowboy54 said...

"I'm renting a Hyundai and going to Six Flags."

Now, most of the posts give me a chuckle, but this one was downright acerbic, from talking about Dorothy to the swollen knuckles, to Daddy Adventure. It hurts when orange juice comes out of one's nose....

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 6:53:

It depends...

P. Bateman said...

knock knock.

who's there?

air conditioning.

air conditioning who?

and also air conditioning.

hey snob, where is the rest of that sentence?

babble on said...

It depends!

Just ask Dorothy RaBRILLOvitch. She knows everything because she's old and wise. I am old and stupid. I only know that bikes have built in air conditioning.

Charles said...

I'm the guy cycling 1,700 miles of the Lewis & Clark trail with my kids this summer. Thanks BikeSnob for the hilarious shout out.

Dennis: Just to be clear: my 12-year-old son will ride his own bike with about 40 pounds of gear in panniers, and my 6-year-old daughter will pedal on a trailer cycle connected to my bike. The bike trailer is for our tent and other gear. We start the trip this Friday, and if you want to follow, my blog is http://familyadventureguy.blogspot.com.

-- Charles

ken e. said...

won't speak on behalf of anyone else...

NICE VACA
BIKE SAFE

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Snobby said;

"You know, maybe just replace the word "Perils" with "Joys." As it is, it's a little bit Michael-Jackson-dangling-his-kid-over-the-balcony."

Yes, but "Joys" is a little bit Michael-Jackson-fondling-a-kid-under-the-blanket.

leroy said...

Dear Charles --

Have a great trip!

My dog convinced me to hook up a trail-a-bike for him, but he spent our rides napping or texting friends.

Spartacus said...

I'm Anonymous.

babble on said...

Hello Charles!

Welcome! That DOES sound like fun. Where does a girl apply for a job like yours?

Actually, I really would like to take the boy on a ride all of the way down the spine of the Americas from Vancouver to Machu Picchu. People keep telling me it can't be done, but that's just silly.

Anything is possible, right?














Comment deleted said...

Babs, just take a boat around the Darien Gap, ok?

Jed said...

They need a new illustrator at the institute of women's hygene. That drawing looked like Gollum wiping his ass with a half eaten corn cob.

Anonymous said...

Babs,
anything is possible.

Knickertwist said...

Lewis & Clark helped to kill of the
Indians. Nothing to celebrate. Drag your kids along for the historical genocide ride.

Anonymous said...

"The America-is-fucked posts are just a case of the grass being greener syndrome."

-------------------------------

Sorry, but no. I moved to Germany. You have no clue how fucked life is in the U.S. until you've left it behind for a few years.

babble on said...

Same's true of Canada, 'cept Canadians all figure the rest of the world loves our irrelevant dumb-asses.

menkeop horfes

babble on said...

Maybe I should set up a kickstarter campaign to fund a bikecanoe to get me through the wet bit.

ce said...

DENNIS'S KID VS. CHARLES'S KID

THE 1ST ANNUAL HUNGER GAMES!

Charles said...

Thanks for the good wishes. My kids are very excited about the ride, and I promise to keep them safe -- one guy just sent me a flamer on kickstarter asking "what the fuck is wrong with you?" He thinks we'll be killed by a drunk driver. Could happen, but that could also happen if we drive to Six Flags with Bike Snob and his 17 children.

Charles said...

Dennis: I'm raising money on kickstarter to pay for 3 projects. 1) Self-publishing Daunted Courage (to pay for a development editor and for formatting the e-book version). BTW, I've taken out "perils" and made the sub-title simply "Cycling the L&C Trail with Kids" -- thanks for the editorial suggestion, Bike Snob; 2) Producing a documentary about the ride with the message: "Kids can do a lot more than most adults think"; and 3) my children and I will give a series of talks at schools and science museums after the trip. We'll use the kickstarter funds to cover our travel expenses.

Charles said...

Babble: your Vancouver to Machu Pichu idea sounds great! Assuming you're serious, just make sure to research political stability and personal safety on the route -- some places may not be safe to cycle through.

Knickertwist: I'm caucasian, but one of my ancestors was in the Choctaw Tribe and as a girl survived the brutal Trail of Tears forced march from Florida to Oklahoma. I hope to teach my kids about the complicated history of westward expansion in the U.S. without glorifying it. We plan to talk with ranchers, scientists and Native Americans along the way, no doubt hearing points of view as varied as those on this blog.

JB said...

Knickertwist: I guess Einstein sucks too, because, you know, nukes.

crosspalms said...

Charles,
Sounds like a great trip. I'm jealous! I'd love to do the Lewis & Clark trail someday. Best to you and your kids.

CommieCanuck said...

NOTR LVNT

CommieCanuck said...

Charles, ...will you adopt me?

Anonymous said...


ANON 06/25/13 4:13
"Sorry, but no. I moved to Germany. You have no clue how fucked life is in the U.S. until you've left it behind for a few years."
It is good that you moved to Germany. You're one of the millions of Americans who slept through history classes. Let's see, Germany invaded France 3 times since our own civil war. Let's not forget the Spanish Civil War and the Russian Communist Revolution, and countless "little wars" all over Europe. Again all since the Civil War. Better hope you don't get caught up in the next big one over there.

Anonymous said...

PINK FOAM

Anonymous said...

that was really funny thanks snob

hands duct iron

Anonymous said...

Paging Joe Kurmaskie...

Charles, Charles, Charles.

Anonymous said...

"It is good that you moved to Germany. [Incoherent babble] "
--------------------------------
I agree, it is pretty awesome here.

Jimboner said...

Babs,
Don't stop in Peru, come on into Brasil.

Hassan Mehmood said...

it really funny

Amee said...

This is cool!

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miftahus surur said...

"It is good that you moved to Germany. [Incoherent babble] "

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