Thursday, June 20, 2013

Lock Up Your Children The Axeman Is Coming

I don't know how you wrap your handling bars, and honestly I don't care, but here's how I wrap mines:


If you have a problem with it you can take that shit to the BiekForums.

Yes, it was a lovely day up here in Lob's Country yesterday, and so I availed myself of a short lunchtime ride:


(BSNYC Crotch Cam™)

The cycling life is good here along the Mighty Hudson.  Sure, maybe not Californee good, or Coloradee good, or French Arlps good, but it's certainly not bad considering this is the largest city in the United States.  A quick lunchtime spin 'round these perts is a simple matter of hopping on the bike path, twiddling along for awhile, turning off for a gratuitous hill or two, and then twaddling right back home again.  It certainly beats doing laps in the park.  Plus, I seem to have resolved my nagging bottom bracket issues.  Then, I got home and found a box from Rivendell waiting at my front door, which I opened to reveal this:


Yes, that's an axe.  Or is it a hatchet?  Or is it both?  I'm not hip to this rural jargon.  Despite my rugged image and rustic sensibilities it may surprise you to learn I'm not actually much of an outdoorsman.  In fact, I had no idea to do with an implement like this, though that didn't stop me from putting it to work immediately on the previous night's leftovers:


I was actually a vegetarian until a couple of years ago and now I eat leftover pork chops for lunch.  I wasn't a vegetarian because I had any problem with eating livestock or anything like that (eating barnyard animals always made good sense to me, at least in principle), though I will say that when you have a kid you suddenly give a whole lot less of a shit about animals dying, and indeed about anything that's not your kid, which probably explains a lot about why the world is such a shithole.

Anyway, after eating my pork chop I cozied up on the couch with "The Axe Book" and read about how "To Dry And Store Splitwoods:"


I don't think I'm going to be doing a lot of that.  Not only do I not have a fireplace, but that woodpile is bigger than my house.

(By the way for all you rubes, when we say "house" in New York we don't mean "house," we mean "apartment."  Also, if someone who lives in Brooklyn tells you a block is "sketchy," don't listen to them.  All that means is that there aren't any cool bars on it and you might see some people who aren't white.  I'm amazed these people don't realize how racist they sound when they call certain areas "sketchy," but I chalk it up to the general Portlandization of our country's urban areas.)

Anyway, I was conflicted.  On one hand, thanks to the "Best Made Co." I'd come to think of axes as the sort of affectation owned by douchebags in Brooklyn who refer to certain blocks as "sketchy."  On the other, honestly, who doesn't like sharp things?  In fact, as a kid I even had a knife collection.  It seemed very badass at the time, though in retrospect it was probably just a glorified assortment of nail clippers and table knives.  As for what I actually did with the knife collection, I mostly just used it to make sticks pointy, and then when I got a little older I'd get a thrill from hiding one in my sock and pretending I'd be able to protect myself if I accidentally wandered onto one of those "sketchy" blocks.

Plus, now I'm a father, and as I admired the tool I couldn't help dreaming about teaching my son the Ways of the Wilderness.  Unfortunately though I don't know shit about the Ways of the Wilderness.  Sometimes when we're in the park my son will ask me what a certain animal eats and I have to look it up on my iPhone, and if I can't get a signal I just tell him "garbage."  (Usually the animal's in a garbage can anyway so this is accurate.)  As for camping, sure, I've slept in a tent outside, but that was in summer camp, and the camp I went to was a "woosie" camp that makes the one in "Meatballs" look like a prepper outing.

Even so, the Rivendell site gave me the confidence that I could do it:

Most of us here have toured on bikes. Maybe everybody. Touring is fine, but it’s often inconvenient to the point of it just not happening. Jobs, families, school, work… it’s time-intensive. Blessed be the frequent bike tourists, good for you if you’re one of them, but you know what’s so much easier and available? The S24O: Sub-24-Hour Overnight.

It’s local bike camping, where you leave after work, ride 1 to 3 hours, find a spot to sleep, and ride home in the morning. It’s minimally invasive to your family and work life. The ride is short, and if you forget some “essential” piece of gear, what’s the big deal? You’ll live through the night without it.

The bike camping gear we offer is the same we use on our S240s. It’s perfect for touring. The selection is small but good. We don’t sell sleeping pads, so get one somewhere else. We don’t sell tents because we can’t find reasonable ones not made in China. We’re not out to compete with REI, anyway, but you can certainly equip yourself almost, but not quite entirely, right here and with confidence.

One to three hours away, huh?  Looks like I'll be loading up the Big Dummy, heading up to a B&B in Westchester, and using my new axe to cut some artisanal cheese.

By the way, the axe is a Gränsfors Bruks, which I gather is Swedish, and elsewhere in Scandinavia a reader informs me that Thor Hushovd is riding around like a maniac and then morphing into a housecat:



That was seriously trippy.

Lastly, remember how yesterday I mentioned that a driver in the East Village hopped the curb and took out a bunch of people?


Well, it sounds like he was just enjoying a little drunken drag racing:


Fortunately, later that day, the NYPD moved quickly to make sure the streets are safer for all of us--by ticketing the fuck out of a bunch of cyclists:

NYPD Cycling Ticket Blitz by alfonsoranaudo

Just another day in Dorothy Rabinowitz's New York.

140 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!

streepo said...

scranus.

RoadQueen said...

Happy Thursday!

cyclotourist said...

WRAP WARS

Jasper said...

Early doors

Babble Fan said...

Podium!

samh said...

That Gransfors is drool-worthy, Wildcat. Tomorrow's Friday, hope you're heading out camping!

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Haven't even started my coffee here on the Californee side of the country, but read the post and still top ten?

thegock said...

TOPP TENN

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

Dmitri F said...

The video is a "share the road" campaign from Norway's road department (DOT?) called "Nine lives". Hence the cat thing.

The caption at the end says something like "For those who do not have nine lives..." followed by "share the road"

doctor wookie said...

dat der is an artisanale "tommy-hawk"

Anonymous said...

Were you riding in a side car? Otherwise, you must have a really wide crotch.

Blog Drafter said...

Your bars are wrapped correctly, and that's all I'm going to say about that, but, seriously, who actually uses Fi'zi:k bar tape? I'd slap some electrical tape over that shit before you take any more pictures.

Captcha is aizics responsi, no joke.

mikeweb said...

Snob,

That's exactly how I wrap mine (as I did Tuesday evening). I had tried the fi'zi:k tape last year and wasn't very plussed with it, but it was smooth and 'plastic-y' feeling. That stuff looks better and more 'tactile-y'.

ChamoisJuice said...

BOOOOMMMMMMSHAKAALAAAAAAAAKAAAAA.

Bar tape is backwards, DON'T CARE.

Wheels are the wrong size, DON'T CARE.

I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HAVE TWO DIFFERENT SIZED WHEELS! The front one can be smaller, I DON'T CARE!

Life is wonderful. Beauty is fleeting. Savor the little moments. FUCK THE HATERS

Anonymous said...

CJ yelling FUCK THE HATERS is pretty funny.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Blog Drafter,

I usually use the regular cork stuff but I figured I'd give it a whirl in a fit of wild experimentation.

Feels nice. We'll see how long it lasts.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Marcel Da Chump said...

Don't axe.

RoadQueen said...

Wildcat,

Also, I would certainly classify your new sharp object as a hatchet, not an axe. It's not nearly big enough, I don't think.

I know this, because I hail from greener pastures.

ruthir gytvnic

db said...

Curious as to why you wrap outwards vs. inwards. I don't have strong feelings for either method, but apparently others do....

RoadQueen said...

One more thing re: hatchet.

Don't let the small size discourage you. It's not the size of the hatchet, it's how you swing it that counts.

Be safe!

Roille Figners said...

That's awesome Snobz, they're sending you ironic gifts now. Maybe I'll send some bar tape, a short stem, some $90 artisanal herbal scranus-cream and some bad Kickstarter inventions!

Anonymous said...

Top XXX

ChamoisJuice said...

I love this video. I listen to it at work or while doing chores all the time. I find it very relaxing.

You gotta be hung right, to feel right.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me. I just cut some artisanal cheese, not for lunch, but due to breakfast.

BamaPhred said...

Didn't know there was a wrong way to wrap, my off the shelf factory fred chariot is wrapped the other way.
Cheese cutting, now there's something I can relate too! Cool hatchet, Chingachgook

DerZoots said...

Interrupted by shitbag co-workerlesses.
Not top twoonty. : (
Dropped a fixture today and had to file the edges back smooth. Then the job I thought I was working towards just got given to an investors child who needs to get dirty on the ground floor and work his way up.
Oh really you say?
SO HOW THE FUCK DO YOU END UP PRODUCTION MANAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting your hands dirty is starting in the shipping department. Fucking rich people.
If I had access it would be a fully-auto solution today.

Robofilter: due iamsAdd

HOW THE FUCK IS THE GODDAMN CAPTCHA SO FUCKING ACCURATE TODAY?! ?!?!?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

that Gransfors is ok, but I'm more of a Wetterlingsman. both are a bargain at $120.

Freddy Murcks said...

Your wrap job looks right to me, but that I am not a self-appointed expert like ChamoisJuice.

smaxpos loaded

Comment deleted said...

eNice disembodied toes, RTMS.

crosspalms said...

Looking forward to your hatchet/axelet review.

DB said...

WildSnob:
Yep, hatchet.

I am working on placement of old cell phones to my handlebars. Beginning to resemble an F-16 cockpit. When a Fred asks, Strava? I'll reply, General Dynamics.

Flyover bike commuter said...

That hatchet is inadequate for chopping anything but fingers.
You'd think the folks at Rivendell would know that.

What's worse is that the finish on it is terrible, it looks like it's made from cheap chinese steel.

I hope you ddn't pay a boutique price for it.

By the way, you need to hide the hatchet rom the kids. Hatchets are activated any time a child get a hold one, and somethng is going to get chopped. Eventually it'll be fingers, toes, feet, or legs.

CommieCanuck said...

If you want to discuss how to wrap handlesbars, go to Biekforums. If you want to discuss, at great length, relative weights of handlebar tapes on various planets on our solar system, go right to WaitWeenies forums.

I'm amazed at how cyclists do two things: ride bikes, and fuck around in cycling forums all night.

Flyover bike commuter said...

And don't ask me how I know about hatchets or why my typing is so bad.

Robs Fords said...

I mean, ...if you riding your bike, you deserve to be run down by drunk drag racing orientals, who are taking over the world anyway.

It's not easy being a fat fuck.

I am NOT smoking crack right now. Am NOT. Fucking hippie leftists, ride home to Mao Tse-Tung.

Oh, and Snob, your shims are flipped, the tape is wrong, and I just hired ChamoisJuice as my new chief-of-staff.

Anonymous said...

They sent a left-handed haxchet?
Oh, and are those rabbit droppings in your rice? Yum. I see no other veggies of note.

Yarpo said...

Love the music in the Thor video, I'll probably sing it (badly) during the commute.

Thanks, Dmitri F., for the translation. Your hair is magnificent and negates the need to wear a helment.

Congrats to Anon 10:59 (Podium!), Streepo (scranus), and RoadQueen (Happy Thursday!)

RoadQueen, if this is your first podium, commence with the victory laps around the driveway with inappropriate yelling/screeching/etc. If not, do it anyway 'cuz hell, you got Thnurd Place!

I have to go put the ERGON FUCKING GRIPS on the OMB-Commute-mobile-cycle handlebars now, after which I will bunny-hop the ENTIRE WAY TO WORK...HA!

BikeSnobNYC said...

db,

I just wrap in in the same direction my hands would twist it while I'm riding, if that makes any sense.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Snobbers - You seem to suffer from Morton's Toe, aka Greek Foot. Problems with your second metatarsal head?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morton%27s_toe

ChamoisJuice said...

That looks like a Gränsfors Bruks Small Forest Axe

I would kinda like to step up my game from my shitty plastic handled Truper to one of these $55 bad boys. Council tool axes are made with care and great craftsmanship in the U.S.A., as they have been since 1886. These are great faller's axes and ideal for pounding in wedges to induce lean.
All Council axe heads are drop forged from high quality tool steel. The forging is then processed in an abrasive robotic work cell where the trim lines are removed, the shape refined and the cutting edges are ground, which yields highly consistent heads. Cutting edges are then heat treated and tempered. ANSI Standards call for bit hardness of Rc 45-60, at least 1/2 inch back from the cutting edge. Council Tool internal standards call for tempered bit hardness of Rc 48-55 and we target 1-1/4 inches from the cutting edge. The poll and eye walls are not hardened and remain in the as forged condition. The final sharpening of the cutting edge is by hand using fine grit abrasives. Care is taken to not affect the tempered hardness of the bit. Heads are either painted or lacquered to deter rust and all polished surfaces are lacquered or oiled.
American hickory handles are dried to below 10% moisture content to minimize shrinkage and help prevent loosening. Handles are affixed to the heads using an extruded aluminum wedge which locks the head in a mechanical bond.


PNW don't have shit for diversity, but we got some EPIC logging supply stores

More trees than people = how I like it.

Kai Vallon said...

Passed a middle aged fred on the trail this morning. The moment he realized he was being passed by a chubby guy on a single speed he sped up, tried to lane block me and run me into cyclists from the other direction, then he assumed 'the position' and spent the next fifteen minutes straining to keep a five foot lead. Hopefully it looked good on strava.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey RTMS/WCRM are you color blind? Doesn't that green spacer bother you? It would me.

Nice chopping utensil.

Out here in the sticks my son and I throw tomahawks, knives and shuriken (throwing stars). We have a blast.

Congrats RoadQueen podio and streepo too.

I got a paper cut right under my finger nail.

UGLY SPCR
DRAG RACE
BIKE CAMP
WOOD CHOP

McFly said...

"Feels nice. We'll see how long it lasts."--BSNYC

THATS' WHAT SHE SAID!

Why is your hatchet wearing an anti-cannibalism Hannibal Lectuer mask?

Anonymous said...

Cotton bar tape over cork, with 2-3 coats of clear shellac for water and dirt resistance. It is comfy with lots of friction for a secure grip, wet or dry. If I ever re-wrap (this setup lasts a damn long time) I'll use the new Selle Italia Smootape for a smoother underlayer.

BikeSnobNYC said...

ChamoisJuice,

"More trees than people = how I like it."

Congratulate yourself for being independent from people once you've stopped seeking constant attention from them in Internet comment sections.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

ge said...

CD, you beat me to it, but I agree, a refreshing new angle on the disembodied foot. Way to push the envelope on the whole disembodied limb meme.

RoadQueen said...

Thank you, Yarpo and RCT for the podio congrats.

If you'll excuse me for a moment, I believe I have permission to run around the parking lot outside my place of employment screaming like an idiot in celebration!

Being bottom podio, I may not get the kisses, but I'm in a prime position to perform "The Grab".

#methodtomymadness

respect ngergat

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:59pm,

I don't know what you're saying, but it sounds racist.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Who cares about the wrap job, keep your eyes on the road!

crosspalms said...

I think that pork chop is on the wrong side of the plate. You may run into feng shui issues later. And is that cilantro? It should be parsley. If it's actually parsley it should be cilantro.

rkabiov depilatories were prescribed for Rasputin, but he ignored the advice (to his regret).

Anonymous said...

LizardSkins tape is pretty sweet but expensive. But is does last a long, long time.

That's 2 longs if you are keeping count.

Morton said...

Yes, that's my toe, I've been looking all over for it.

P. Bateman said...

hey Snobber,

Gränsfors Bruks make very, very nice axes. i've wanted one for years, but alas, the budget never allowed for one. and i actually DO chop wood. it's a good work out, offers immediate gratification, and you can heat your damn house/apartment at the end of the day.

and you can call that an axe - its a camping axe.

don't you NYC's pansies know anything about anything?

P. Bateman said...

hatchets are for women. that's why they all have hatchet wounds.

axes are for men

BikeSnobNYC said...

P. Bateman,

Well, this NYC pansy does know one thing, which is that I'd be pretty well fucked if I tried to heat my apartment by burning wood.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

crosspalms said...

A guard in my building said something about it being a nice day to ride (bikes, McFly; settle down), so I asked her about her commute. She said she's been commuting (to various jobs) by bike for 40 years. One 90-degree day on a bus with broken air-conditioning she looked out the window and saw a bike shop, got off the bus, walked in and said "here's $50, give me a bike," and has been riding ever since. Even if you figure she's had 40 years to polish that story, it's a good one and made me smile.

mikeweb said...

My current bar tapes of choice:

For the commutering bikecycle.

For the Fred chariot (of course).

babble on said...

Yay! MORE pussies! Thank you, Snobbers. Late cause it was Personal Interest Project day today and what did the boy do his presentation on? The pussy, of course. So it's chucking it down today and I'm riding the pussy to school first thing, only to discover that I have to turn straight around and come back later on when the smart board is fixed. Now I have a wet pussy.

spooky captcha: ofitwel have

Yes.

babble on said...

podium kisses, Queenie!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Babble you sure do talk about pussies allot. Keep it up please.

babble on said...

Crosspalms! Hooray! A woman after my own heart. What do HER calves look like, I have to wonder...?

DerZootster -that sucks. Sorry to hear it.

babble on said...

RCT: Thank you for noticing.

Ok. I love my pussy. I treat her with loving kindness, except maybe when I take her out for show and tell in the pouring rain...

RoadQueen said...

Thanks Babble!

Your poor wet pussy. :`(

Roille Figners said...

artisanal pants-cheese

omniscient micapae

crosspalms said...

Mikeweb,
I like this stuff. I have the purple ("eggplant") on the bike now.

FR8 said...

WCRM,

Get Albatross bars with cork grips screw all that wrapping nonsense.

For S240, go south over to Floyd Bennett Field, the only campground in NYC. If you go north I think you have to be in Massachusetts before you can pitch a tent. You can bring your fancy hatchet if you want but be sure to bring Off!

ChamoisJuice said...

I'm a minimalist when it comes to pussy.

Sometimes less is more. Don't need some fat headed kid ruining the thing.

HELLLOOOOOOOOO IN THERE.

ECHO CMBR

RoadQueen said...

Is it just me, or is it irritating when pussy is referred to as being 'stretched' and 'ruined'?

It's a muscle. It's only as loose as it's owner lets it be. You could stretch it to the point of accepting a 2-litre Coke bottle, and it will tighten back up in no time.

It's not 15 year old swim trunk elastic that will never go back. How the hell do you think babies are born? Babies are bigger than 2-litre Coke bottles.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Morton's toe?

The things you learn from reading this blog...

wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ is such a skilled lover that he made that 21 year old scream in bed with him.

She was screaming "Get off of me!"

BikeSnobNYC said...

FR8,

Camping at FBF? No thanks.

Blue Mountain is almost the same distance from me and there's camping and MTB trails...though this is all academic because I like sleeping at home.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

mikeweb said...

Wet pussies, pitching tents... The double entendres are flying fast and furious today.

McFly said...

Yeah pussy is pretty resilient. I wish I had a set of 700 x 25c tires made out of it.

Well maybe not because then I would just stay in the shop licking them all the time.

DerZoots said...

Thank you babble on.
I liked Moar Sundress but then the youtubes switched it to HD and work computer crapped out. : (

Something to look forward to at home.

robot trip wire: the itdbyk

Anonymous said...

Why would someone want a Vaginoplasty? Have you ever given birth vaginally? Are you over 45? Does your vaginal area seem looser than it used to, either when you insert a tampon or when you have intercourse? If you answered any or all of those questions with a “yes,” then a vaginoplasty might be right for you.

Childbearing affects the size of your vagina. As you know if you’ve delivered one or more children vaginally (that is, as opposed to having a C-Section), your vaginal area expanded a great deal during delivery. This is because the tissues and muscles in your vagina are designed to stretch to accommodate childbirth. Unfortunately, after that big stretch, your vagina will never be as tight as it was before babies poked their little heads through it. And in fact, the more babies you deliver, the looser you’ll become.

Some women experience what’s called “vaginal prolapse” after childbearing, but this isn’t treated with a vaginoplasty. If your symptoms go beyond a feeling of vaginal looseness and include a “heavy” feeling in the vaginal area, a sense that something’s protruding in the vagina, painful intercourse, and/or difficulty with bowel or bladder elimination, I’ll be able to diagnose that on examination and recommend the proper treatment for you, which might include a surgical procedure in addition to a vaginoplasty.

Aging can cause vaginal sagging. As we age, things become looser everywhere, don’t they? We start to wrinkle as our facial tissues become looser; our breasts start to droop with age; our butts lose volume and become droopy and flat and, unfortunately, so does our vaginal area. Aging contributes to vaginal laxity as much as can childbirth! The combination of childbirth plus aging can really make a gal miss the days when she was young and childfree!

RoadQueen said...

Anon @ 2:43

As with everything else, if you don't use it, you lose it.

One word: Kegels.

dcee604 said...

What's wrong with tents that are made in China?! Everything else is made there already.

CommieCanuck said...

You people are ignorant. This is how you properly wrap bars. The only trick is rounding up the midgets. I use Craigslist.

db said...

@WCRM: Do you reverse directions at the brake levers like the kids at Park Tools (about 2/3 down that page -- sorry, it's long)?

I've never seen anyone "pinstripe" their tape like that page shows, but I live in the wilderness...

babble on said...

Strange, isn't it? My eyesight is better now than it was ten years ago. I am stronger, faster, fitter than I was then, and despite having squeezed out two of those small humans, I have no need of your services, doc. Thanks, anyway.

Yes, much like a prostate gland, or even erectile function itself (shall we go there, gentlemen?) use it or lose it.

And there's the rub. The act of sex itself isn't actually the powerful part of the magic of Eros. Eros is a physical expression of LOVE. It is not about getting your rocks off, it's real magic because in it lies the very seed of creation itself. And when there is love involved, Eros is truly healing, and absolutely revitalizing. Sexual energy, or Kundalini, is an important aspect of Quantum healing.

CJ. You just can't help yourself, can you? Didn't your grandma ever tell you that it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak your mind and confirm the fact? At least now we know why you insist on interfering with children.

Anonymous said...

I gotta get me some of those artisanally crafted, locally sourced inner tubes. The rubber trees are organically grown in a hydroponically controlled greenhouse. Much more sustainable than shipping them halfway around the world!

Only $59.95 on the rivendell site.

YOU WANT LOW ECOLOGICAL FOOTPRINT? But something used off craigslist! Fuckin' eh! But then you won't have the new trendy, low impact status symbol to define you as a green minimalist.

Plastic bottle out of the garbage > stainless bottle with a cork cap.

REDUCE > REUSE > RECYCLE

Anonymous said...

Crosspalms,

That is now my favorite commuting story (bike or otherwise)!

BikeSnobNYC said...

db,

I don't have the patience to read that. I just start from the bottom of the bar and work my way up and it all sorts itself out like magic.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

Would someone please explain to me what a "loose vagina" is? I don't understand.

Dooth said...

I appreciate the bar wrap talk. It just so happens that today I purchased Nitto handlebars from Rivendell. They're called Albastache: a cross between albatross and mustache bars. Leather, cloth, vinyl? So many options in bar wraps. In the end, though, I'll probably opt for grips with colorful streamers.

babble on said...

Good thinking.

JB said...

Yeah, McFly, they're all tight to some of us. Am I right? Woot!

ChamoisJuice said...

I rep/rub/rock 48cm Nitto Noodles. Grant Petersen signature editions!

WIDE BARS

Of course, Cinelli black cork.
CORK TAPE

The Park way is the "correct" way.

The BSNYC way is prolly the most common wrap style, and only inferior in that you get a little flap that curls back at the lever. They don't show the "pro" finishing technique.

You also wrapped the finishing tape backwards. It's supposed to be legible from the cockpit, like the label on your front hub.

It really don't matter, but it's fun to make people self conscious when they seek validation for their material goods and their expertise displayed by those items.

db said...

@WCRM: Understood. Thanks for answering.

Roille Figners said...

Hate to tell y'all, you lose it either way. So just use it while you have it m'kay?

Oh yeah and all you libs dont try to tell me babys come frome vaginas they come from GOD.

leroy said...

One to three hour ride? Check.

Overnight camping supplies? Ax, Ambien, sleeping mask, battery powered white noise generator, bunny slippers, PJs with rockets on them, and snacks (chips, peanut M&Ms, Count Chocula cereal). Check.

Refrigerator box with "Do Not Distrub" painted on side? Check.

Now do I set up on the bench in front of Bunbury's in Piermont or in the parking lot near Gypsy Donuts in Nyack?

Can't wait to tell my dog we're doing this.

He's going to be so excited.

Even though he's never been much of an outdoors dog.

Anonymous said...

Snob be quotin' Amebix

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PvlU5QVOTGg

ChamoisJuice said...


I bought a star gazer lily for the little lady and took her out for seafood. Made me think of the temporal nature of feminine beauty.

Vanitas

In the arts, vanitas is a type of symbolic work of art especially associated with still life painting. The Latin word means "vanity" and loosely translated corresponds to the meaninglessness of earthly life and the transient nature of all earthly goods and pursuits.

Ecclesiastes 1:2 from the Bible is often quoted in conjunction with this term.[1] The Vulgate (Latin translation of the Bible) renders the verse as Vanitas vanitatum omnia vanitas. The verse is translated as Vanity of vanities; all is vanity by the King James Version of the Bible. Vanity is used here in its older (especially pre-14th century) sense of "futility".[2] Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless is the rendering by The New International Version of the Bible.

Paintings executed in the vanitas style were meant to remind viewers of the transience of life, the futility of pleasure, and the certainty of death. They also provided a moral justification for many paintings of attractive objects.

Common vanitas symbols include skulls, which are a reminder of the certainty of death; rotten fruit, which symbolizes decay; bubbles, which symbolize the brevity of life and suddenness of death; smoke, watches, and hourglasses, which symbolize the brevity of life; and musical instruments, which symbolize brevity and the ephemeral nature of life. Fruit, flowers and butterflies can be interpreted in the same way, and a peeled lemon, as well as accompanying seafood was, like life, attractive to look at, but bitter to taste. There is debate among art historians as to how much, and how seriously, the vanitas theme is implied in still-life paintings without explicit imagery such as a skull. As in much moralistic genre painting, the enjoyment evoked by the sensuous depiction of the subject is in a certain conflict with the moralistic message.

JB said...

CJ, you're correct to place quotes (") around correct and pro.

ChamoisJuice said...

Leroy,

Keep going another 15 minutes north, and camp on top of Hook Mtn.

There are some nice spots in Harriman, as well.

Anonymous said...

I heated with wood and nothing but wood for over ten years. Meh!

The drag racer had a prior for cocaine possession, and alcohol in his system with pot in his sock. So,the use of a stimulant, depressant and hypnotic. I wish people would settle down and decide where they want to go. Our better yet, just stay home.

Peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat bread with a flavored soymilk chaser is probably OK for kids.

ChamoisJuice said...

Peanut Butter And Jelly Racist? Portland School Principal Ties Sandwich To White Privilege

Anonymous said...

You guys should check out the butthole. It's like mother nature's auxilliary vagina.

Quilled and lugged said...

How to become an expert:

BSNYC @10:56:
By the way, the axe is a Gränsfors Bruks

CJ @1:00:
That looks like a Gränsfors Bruks Small Forest Axe

CJ @3:51:
Something no doubt cut and pasted from WIKI, TLDNR, about vanity.
He shouldn't have needed to look that one up.

Anonymous said...

Fuck, what a place this is.

crosspalms said...

anon 4:18
I can almost hear the admiration in your voice.

Anonymous said...

Snob...me thinks that "hatchet" wasn't sent to you by Rivendell, but sent through Riv to you by the Pez dispenser whose buy-cycle you gave a ripping review of. Or in the parlance of legitimate blog-journalists....a hatchet job.

And it's obvious you have bar tape envy when you obviously can't afford to slap a handlebra on that cockpit of yours. What with the extra long stem an all.

the epruchs scratches his tiger scrutus

ChamoisJuice said...

quilled & lugged:
There is a whole class of art based on the narrow window of beauty between virgin and mother.

And that the most common symbol of love: the flower, is in and of itself a symbol of the fleeting ripeness of femininity.

Modern women think men are interested in professional, fit, intelligent, mature women. They wrong. Check out any dating site for evidence.

RoadQueen said...

So...most men want unemployed, lazy, stupid, immature women?

ChamoisJuice said...

Sometimes a bowl of fruit is a bowl of fruit. Sometimes a flower is a flower.

MOST OF THE TIME THEY SYMBOLIZE SEX ORGANS. When is doubt, assume art is about sex organs.

Anonymous said...

I think the handlebar tape pic is just clever ad placement for fizik. I've been reading this blog for a while and still don't entirely understand all of the hate directed at ChamoisJuice? His posts are a little long winded but not all that offensive. Maybe I'm missing something or just don't care enough. Anyway, nice cycling weather here in the apple, hope you're all enjoying it.

Billy said...

I like my plastic axe pretty well for camping.

Glad to see NYPD exceeding expectations and doing what they do best.

Does drunken drag racing on city streets count as criminality? I guess we'll see. My bet is on community service and a temporary license suspension. Instead of the public caning and permanent license suspension that's deserved at least.

What's with the bar tape? Sounds like a pain in the ass. I'll stick with ergons, thanks.

Comment deleted said...

Wow, CJ, you just described exactly what I look for in online dating.

How do you get so wrong, so consistently?

ChamoisJuice said...

RoadQueen:

If they have "correct" waist to hip ratio, and don't talk too much, YES.


Which reminds me of a good joke:

Why do you call a woman's stomach "the waist"?




You could fit like two more sets of titties in there.

Anonymous said...

crosspalms @ 4:24:

GOLD, crosspalms, GOLD!

Comment deleted said...

Another thing, juice, if you can't recognize that women are beautiful at all stages of their life, then your life will turn to shit when your youth ends. Deservedly so, apparently.

RoadQueen said...

CJ:

Wow. I had no idea. Thanks for the dating tips, I'll work on my personality, intelligence and employment status right away.

Not.

Good joke though.

rsuchst through

crosspalms said...

Hey, as long as we're cutting and pasting...

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I'd like to put this flailing commentary out of it's misery with my unstoppable FISKARS splittin' maul.

ORYGUN WOODSMAN

leroy said...

My dog wishes to point out that on-line dating services are a unique pool of self-selected humanity in which no one knows you're a dog.

I explained that sooner or later, folks are bound to figure it out.

In more important news, he just signed us up for that new fangled bike share thing.

I rode to work today by bike as usual, changed into my work appropriate attire as usual(no need for the outfit with the bat silhouette on the chest today), and later didn't feel like changing back into shorts to run a couple of errands or locking my bike up in sketchy neighborhoods frequented by boulevardiers, grandees, and actuaries.

Then I realized, I didn't have to.

We have bike share now.

And them bikes have chain covers, cushy seats, big old platform pedals, and a step through frame that moots my dog's leg lifting prowess.

I think this bike share thing could catch on.

Wonder if BSNYC knows about it.

crosspalms said...

I think the proper term for three books about bikes is a tricycle

crosspalms said...

I see I responded to a comment that disappeared. Must be the

inalygen affect

ce said...

WRM (...or should I say: "Rocko"), I'd just like to reassure you that I am not the type of person who would leave an incomplete transaction on an ATM machine, or leave the urinal without flushing. Rather, I collect stray money from urinal troughs and I piss on Automatic Teller Machine machines.

Hey, speaking of toilets... and by association the literature most suited to being read in the presence of the toilet... I have to say that Bike Snob: A Broad was my favourite in the Back to the Fredsled trilogy. The Far Rockaway story in the first book and the 9/11 story in the second book were interesting (if the attack took place in July the franchisors of 7-Eleven would've been pissed off), but for the most part those books were "theory" already familiar to a reader of the blog. I guess they would appeal more to the uninitiated, or unbegrimed. The third book however, was pretty much all story telling, albeit with a point to make, and I enjoyed that.

I remember you saying that you probably won't write any more "Bike Snob" books (quadrilogy is a stupid word anyway), but if some day in the future you were to entertain the notion, I think a memoir of family cycle touring misadventures would be an entertaining read - especially the bit where you cut the toes off your left foot with your axe and have to be casevaced from the wilderness on the back of the Big Dummy.

Anonymous said...


http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-02-09/news/dear-single-women-of-nyc-it-s-not-them-it-s-you/

Comment deleted said...

I bucked, carried (uphill) and split two cords of windfall black oak one winter when I lived in the foothills.

You know, what they charge for firewood by the cord is pretty damn reasonable.

ce said...

Sorry crosspalms! I was trying to attain getting my words in the right way around order that is most correct, and succinctly not repeating, redundantly, with too many commas, and sentences that are too long, which is hard when grammar is what I not know good, and, lucky albeit thanks to google can search for grammar & spelling rulz & albeit definitions & alternate words for when I can't think of an alternate word for an alternate word .

ce said...

crosspalms, it just occurred to me that Snobbo is the presently the author equivalent of a triathlete.

Upstate Rural said...

WRM, how come you haven't talked about this yet:

http://www.thecrosbypress.com/2013/06/20/soul-cycle-for-homeless-people-is-apparently-a-thing-that-is-now-happening-in-new-york-city/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=FATJEW

captcha is "seems eanotec", no kidding.

Etherhuffer said...

Axe me about this site later if you like sharp things from Sweden

www:ragweedforge.com/ThrowingCatalog.html

Anonymous said...

leroy @ 5:37:

"boulevardiers, grandees, and actuaries"

GOLD, leroy, GOLD!

Bill Smith said...

There were twelve paragraphs between when you first wrote "axe" and you finally wrote "artisanal". I wasn't sure you were going to say it all.

Quilled and lugged said...

Quoth CJ "There is a whole class of art based on the narrow window of beauty between virgin and mother"
And the wonderful acronym MILF means nothing? You are missing out there, mate. You should leave off the young 'ins and go for someone with a little more experience. But perhaps they would just laugh. I'm with Road Queen on this one.

(first captcha had 'monopolising'. I got the other word wrong. This time I get 'Cockey'. How does it know?)

RoadQueen said...

Quilled and lugged:

AMEN to THAT! MILF's are where it's at!

Grump said...

Snobby, I was going to compliment you on your bar/stem setup, but "someting" seemed wrong....
It took me a few seconds, but BAM......there it was........No Komputer. If you don't log each and every mile..(and heartbeat), the ride doesn't count....Try to remember that, next time.

PS. Cinelli cork bar tape used to be the greatest......but now it sucks.
.

Barebar said...

I use no bar wrap at all. One less thing to obsess about. What I put my hands around is as pure and smooth as the day it was formed and brings me pleasure whenever I choose grasp it.

Anonymous said...

From one childhood knife collector to another, I say a hatchet is best used to describe an unattractive person's face.

That is a little fucked: a little f-d up means it is f-d up.

Appreciate the shout out to cycling in California.

Anonymous said...

Babble- take your vagina talk to an Oprah forum.

RoadQueen- please go away, you are too needy

RoadQueen said...

Anon @ 10:28

You may want to thoroughly brush your teeth after you finish your Wheaties this morning...

I'm pretty sure someone pissed in them.

leroy said...

Note to self: No more letting dog prepare Father's Day breakfast.

Alex Perkins said...

No no no no no no no!

Gransfors bruks make the world's finest axes on a small scale in their traditional forge in Sweden. They are amazing pieces of traditional workmanship and I urge you to Google the brand and enlighten yourself!

Amit Parashar said...

about casino
Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

Valeria said...

This is cool!