This Just In: Close This Window FAST Unless You Want To See An Interview With Me!

Firstly, at 3:30pm today (that's my time, the time it is in New York City, and you can use that to extrapolate the equivalent time in whichever hick town you inhabit) Fat Cyclist is going to interview me:


I have zero confidence in my own computing abilities, but supposedly (or "supposably" as BSDN might say) the interview will appear in the magic box above.  If it doesn't, or if it's all cut off or something, then just go watch it on Fat Cyclist's site instead.  This whole thing is his brain child.  Well, his brain and my publisher's brain.

Their brains like totally "did it" and this is what came out.

Also, by way of an apology, I follow a general rule of thumb of keeping this blog free from my visage, but sometimes I have to violate it because you have to do this sort of stuff when you have a book out.  (Not that I don't like talking to Fat Cyclist--I do, very much--it's just that I don't like making people look at me.)  Anyway, sorry.

Or, I'll also violate it if I think the image is amusing:

 

(BKJimmy)

Well, I'm amused anyway.  And isn't that what really matters?

Also, just a reminder, there will be more off-foffing in Boston this Saturday, May 18th:

Be there or be someplace else you'd rather be--though I guarantee it will be a thousand times more exciting than that graphic.

So let's see, what's going on in the world of velocipeding?  Well, there's a Tour of California:

Yeah, I'm not following that, despite the incredulity expressed by commenters like this:


Blond, California Beach Blond said...

Snob not following the Tour of California??? At the end of each stage two super fox California surfer chicks give the Ass Monkey of the day a kiss. What's not to like?

May 16, 2013 at 9:51 AM 

So wait, I'm supposed to sit through some stupid bike race just to watch a couple of women give some Fred-for-pay a kiss?  You know, if you like to watch two "super foxes" double-team some mimbo they have this thing on the Internet called porn.  Really, watching bike racing for the sex is like eating ten pounds of this just because you like the olives:

(I'm forming a band called Olive Loaf.  Who wants to join?  Our first gig is opening for the Flaming Douches at the Great GoogaMooga face-stuffing douchefest in Brooklyn, OR.)

I am, however, interested in the local human interest stories surrounding the Tour of California.  For example, yesterday a reader sent me this notice, which was posted at Joe Mama's Coffee in Avila Beach:

I don't know what an "ass bike race" is, but I suppose I'd be pretty annoyed if one came to my town, too--though I'm not sure closing your store the day it is swamped with "rich people" is a particularly shrewd business decision.

I think the owner of Joe Mama may be the sort of person who eats an entire ham just for the olives.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, tomorrow is Bike To Work Day!  Here's the official banner:

Though I'd have gone with this:

At first glance, you might think he's sweaty because he biked to work.  Actually, though, what's happening is that his sexy co-worker promised him a "blowie" if he rode to work, and now he's cashing in.

My ideas are far too edgy for the stodgy world of bike advocacy.

Oh, here's the sexy co-worker:

See what I mean?  Edgy.

Anyway, the do-gooders at Transportation Alternatives are turning themselves inside out to please you this year, at least according to the email I received:

On Friday morning, leave extra-early for work to leave time to hang out with T.A. and other awesome bicyclists. You can find the social scene at one of these seven T.A. Fueling Stations, starting at 7 am:

Brooklyn Bridge (Brooklyn Tower)
Manhattan Bridge (Manhattan-side bike path exit)
Joyce Kilmer Park (E. 161st Street and Grand Concourse)
Williamsburg Bridge (Brooklyn-side bike path entrance)
Queensboro Bridge (Queens-side bike path entrance)
Staten Island Ferry (Whitehall Terminal)
Hudson River Greenway (W. 72nd Street)

Each T.A. fueling station will have coffee and breakfast, courtesy of our wonderful sponsors: KIND, Cabot, Brooklyn Roasting Co. and Vita Coco.

One of those fueling stations (TA won't reveal which) will also feature a desk, where you can sit down on a swivel chair, put your hands behind your head, and enjoy your congratulatory Bike To Work Day "blowie."

Of course, those of you who don't get a "blowie" still need to be congratulated for the simple act of riding your bicycle to work, so there's also a party for you--in Brooklyn, naturally, because only people in Brooklyn ride bikes:


On Friday night, put your party shoes on for an after work bicycling celebration. You can find the big biking bash in DUMBO, under the archway of the Manhattan Bridge, starting at 6:30 pm. Here’s just some of the exciting line-up of activities at the Bike Home from Work Party, presented by Giro:

• Pop-up shops, like Giro’s “New Road” apparel line and the Shinola bicycle collection
• Brooklyn Brewery beer garden
• Food vendors curated by the Brooklyn Flea
• Free food and drinks from Brooklyn Roasting Co., KIND, Cabot, Vita Coco and PopChips
• Reflective Fashion show projected onto the Manhattan Bridge
• DIY Silkscreen Station with Holstee, bike-friendly braid bar, Self-Portrait Project photo booth

And much more!

By the way, here's a handly translation guide for all the Nü-Brooklynese in the above announcement:

"New Road" = Regular shorts
"Pop-up shop" = A stand
"Food vendor" = A stand
"Curated" = Chosen, usu. in exchange for kickbacks
"Free food and drinks" = An hour-long line of sweaty white people in messenger bags and shants
"Reflective Fashionshow projected onto the Manhattan Bridge" = Embarrassing multi-media display
"Bike-friendly braid bar" = ???

I only left Brooklyn six months ago and already I hardly speak the language anymore.

Anyway, if you're going to participate in Bike To Work Day, here's my advice:

1) Get a job;
2) Ride your bike to it.

Good luck, and Lobspeed.