Friday, May 17, 2013

BSNYC Friday Bike To Work Day Grease Stain On Your Pant Cuff!

Firstly, one final reminder that I'll be in Boston tomorrow:



Come for the chips, stay for the dip.*

*[BSNYC Industries, LLC makes no warranty that there will be either chips or dip.]

Secondly, remember how the Mayors of Toronto, Robs Fords, said this?

"What I compare bike lanes to is swimming with the sharks. Sooner or later you're going to get bitten... Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes. My heart bleeds for them when I hear someone gets killed, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day."

And you were all like, "What is he, smoking crack?"

Well it turns out he's totally smoking crack:


And the video of him actually smoking the crack can be yours for "six figures:"

Rob Ford, Toronto's conservative mayor, is a wild lunatic given to making bizarre racist pronouncements and randomly slapping refrigerator magnets on cars. One reason for this is that he smokes crack cocaine. I know this because I watched him do it, on a videotape. He was fucking hiiiiigh. It's for sale if you've got six figures.

I'm actually thinking of taking advantage of the favorable exchange rate by buying it, too, since CAD$100,000 is only like US$97,000:


That leaves me with like three grand to spend on crack.

Just kidding, I don't smoke crack.  It's wack:


I don't like things that are wack.

Anyway, I've already been alerted to at least one crowdsourced funding campaign to purchase the video:


I'd suggest that, instead of giving it to the CBC, they simply throw a totally awesome Robs Fords crack movie screening party.

Until then, we'll just have to settle for videos of Fords just after smoking crack:


How his entire cardiovascular system has not simply blown up by now is beyond me.  When it finally does happen though it's going to be big.  Really big.  Like "exploding a whale with dynamite" big:


I'd say that right now Robs Fords is an even bigger atomic threat to the United States than North Korea and Iran combined.

We're a crack rock and a box of Tim Horton's away from nuclear annihilation.

Meanwhile, today is Bike To Work Day in New York City, and I'm pleased to announce I've revised yesterday's banner:


He's still getting a Bike To Work Day "blowie," but here's who he's getting it from:


(Putting the "owie" in "blowie.")

Or, if you want the more conservative banner, fine, be that way:


Also, remember, there's an after-work party in Brooklyn tonight, because people who ride bikes and live in Brooklyn wet their shants at any opportunity to form enormous lines in front of food carts.

Of course, the cynical response to Bike To Work Day is to dismiss it and predict an "epic shitshow" as thousands of wobbly-legged novice cyclists take to the streets on a beautiful Friday, but whatever happens I'm not going to witness it since I plan to spend the day breathing the rarefied air up here in Lob's country.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong it's not and you'll see Italian Batman.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and hope to see you in Boston.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) Just days after his controversial "I descended like bit of a girl, really" comment, Bradley Wiggins has announced that he is "pulling out of the Giro d'Italia like I just found out she was ovulating."

--True
--False





("No coffee for you, moneybags.")

2) The first thing they teach you in business school is always close your doors to rich people.

--True
--False






(The concept of "obvious" is apparently obsolete.)

3) In a departure from articles about how to repair flats, Bicycling magazine is now publishing detailed instructions on how to:

--Put on shoes
--Operate a quick release skewer
--Place a bicycle inside the trunk of a car
--Inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide






(New York City may have survived the crack epidemic, but can it survive this?)

4) Which is not an argument put forth by opponents of the imminent New York City bike share program?

--The stations ruin the character of historic neighborhoods
--The stations will prevent firefighters from putting out fires
--The stations do not accept quarters
--The stations are attracting mice






(BSDN gives bike share the "forehead vag.")

5) Bike Snob Daily News doesn't like the bike share bikes because:

--It is equipped with a wide bar and seat and plush tires
--The basket is too small
--Something about barley
--All of the above






("A" for effort, "F" for forehead vag.)

6) Bike Snob Daily News had to take a class to learn how to ride in traffic and then her Surly got stolen.

--True
--False





7) Rapha's new jacket is made from:

--Recycled parachutes
--Recycled garbage bags
--Recycled wardrobe from the hit 1984 breakdancing movie, "Breakin'"
--100% elephant scranus



***Special Bonus Encore Performance Of My Favorite Bike To Work Day Video To Date***


Few creatures are slower than a bike dork on foot.

100 comments:

ce said...

up too late

ChamoisJuice said...

woot!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top Ten. Scranus.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ah Shit! Podio! Sweet!

MaxBenign said...

Has anyone linked to this Rob Ford video yet, in which he learns about Rosh Hashana and devours an apple?

http://youtu.be/45hI7H-JHVg

Corey McQuinn said...

I see a kickstarter campaign to buy the Robs Fords tapes in our future.

CBarnes said...

Podium!

BikeSnobNYC said...

MaxBenign,

Wow, he couldn't wait to eat that apple!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland!

Tom said...

Robs Fords Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Top 10?

balls™ said...

Where are the nipples in today's post? I was promised nipples!

Buffalo Bill said...

Two smacks at BSDN? Oh well, why not, she deserves it.

soltau peenric, I think that might be robotese for horizontal vajajay

Fred Nifacent said...

Jobba the Fords? He looks bigger if that is possible.

Yarpo said...

Scranutato!!!!! Basta!!!

Bravo CE, Vincitore de la Tappa de oggi!

Niente Ass Monkeys!

grog said...

100% Elephant scranus.
No Recumbabe.
RIDE NICE

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
I am in my own class.
Now to feed.

bearing noshor...for reals, robots.

crosspalms said...

I stood in a long line at a garden fair this morning so my wife could snag a flat of petunias she spotted yesterday while the fair was being set up. New Travoy trailer worked well (put the petunias and other plants in milk crates that I strapped to the trailer). After we got the plants home and unpacked, I rode to work. So it was like a preview bike to work day.

CommieCanuck said...

Honestly, I was a true atheist... until I saw Robs Fords walk into that TV camera, then I was agnostic, now, with this crack video, I'm a believer. Hallelujah. Praise be lob.

You have no idea what kind of fucking idiots support Robba to the bitter end.

I pledged my car.

And apparently, he called Justin Trudeau a faggot. Silly Rob, man-man fellatio is just for discount crack.

Roille Figners said...

I bike to work every day. Except today. Why? Because my fucking chainstay cracked! Like all the way through. Way to go, Trek Bicycle Cycling Company! Here I thought some cheap-ass hardtail from the late 90s was not only theft-proof but "built like a tank" as well. More like a tank after losing a battle, try! More like! I know, right?

Should've known when it started creaking like a Budnitz about a week ago. Yesterday it finally went all "loose in the rear end" and I was all like "double-yew tee eff?"

So the Kludgemaster is no more, and I have an excuse good enough, according to my rigorous re-use/recycling criteria, to buy another bike! awww darn!

Elle said...

Looking forward to biking around and hearing you talk at Landry's in Boston.

Jimboner said...

I wanna be 23!

Jimboner said...

now!

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I just read about the robs fords elsewhere and popped by to see if you'd seen it. Good.

hey nonny mouse

ChamoisJuice said...

Steer clear of Elle, she is tridorktacular.

leroy said...

My dog decided to ride to work with me this morning.

He went over the Brooklyn Bridge, crossed back into Brooklyn over the Manhattan Bridge, then rode up to the Queensboro Bridge to cross into Mid-Town.

Of course, he got free coffee from Transportation Altrnatives at each bridge.

He is, after all, part Brooklyn Schnorror.

I just got his hyper-caffeinated text from River Road where he's doing hill repeats.

I am so going to drop him on tomorrow morning's ride.

I love bike to work day!

3G said...

BIKE DORK

McFly said...

DUCK FACE looks good on the Aztec Princess known as Bike Snob Daily. Me thinks I have a touch of what the kids call the Jungle Love.

My moms gonna kill me.

OHWEE OHWEE OHHHHHH GIRL I WANT TO SHOW YA.....

It's an obscure Morris Day and the Time reference.

wishiwasmerckx said...

McFly, I always thought that there was an uncanny resemblance between Morris Day and Eben Weiss, like they were distant cousins or something. Do you see it?

https://www.google.com/search?q=morris+day+what+time+is+it&aq=1&oq=morris+time+what&aqs=chrome.2.57j0l3.14563j0&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Morris Day and the Time said...

What time is it?

With homage to Richard Pryor, it's time for you to stop fucking with me...

ge said...

Wow, trick question. Totally burned me on Q1. I must be on crack.

ondivial silicate (well, captcha's on crack anyway)

Roille Figners said...

And then the guys in the background go "SHOW YA"

Anonymous said...

Tough Quiz.

Notsosanta Klaus said...

Nice! Aced the quiz and than just for the heck of it, asked myself some more
questions and answered those also correctly. What a day!!!

JB said...

McFly, my fish stop swimming when you come over to my place.

leroy said...

My dog just texted that he saw David Byrne who said "thanks for the article on how to put a bike in a car trunk."

I think that might just be the caffeine texting.

mikeweb said...

I was late because my tableting device made by the company named after a red fruit was misbehaving.

leroy said...

Sunday is the New York Gran Fondo up 9W.

So this Saturday, a friend will show me last year's New Jersey Medio Fondo route (which has the Bicycling magazine guaranty of awesomeness from its "Best Rides in Every State" article).

Note to DB -- welcome to New York. The weather here is like this all year round.

Ride joyfully all!

JB said...

Would you like to buy a C'dale mtn'ing bike with a head-shock, crabon wheels, and a Peter North stem?

Anonymous said...

Spin wheels are thermoplastic, not Crabon.

Peter North is known more for the volume of his ejaculate, than the size of his member.

chris roeleveld said...

Oh look, I found the crack smoking video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8oqrUPkW77k#!

JB said...

Anon @ 2:34: Close enough, and I will cede to the porn star penis expert.

ce said...

The Fatty interview reminded me that lying around my house somewhere were three unread... ah, what do you call them? You know, those blog type things made out of paper. Come on, it's like a stack of a hundred really thin smart phones bound together, but the smart phones aren't smart. Like, they're so dumb that even all working together they still wouldn't be able to do some simple shit, say, record and share HD video of your cat, and your cats funny reaction to a funny cat video, simple everyday shit. You know what I'm talking about, the text just sits there doing nothing, for years, like a painting on a cave wall or something. I'm saying, you could read one of these things all day and it wouldn't be able to predict who you will vote for at the next election by analysing the way your face twitches. Real old school. If all we had were these old - for want of a better term: "Text On Bound Paper Stacks" - Google, the CIA, Rupert Murdoch and the Russian Mafia would have to sit outside everyone's homes in faux delivery vans in order to monitor, manipulate and exploit our persuasions, lefty or hard right - hand preference for wanking that is, not very practical.

Well, I can't remember what we used to call them, but anyway, I read Snobbo's latest Text On Bound Paper Stack this evening - hence why I'm still up. Now I'm all inspired to get back on the bike for the first time in a little while and take Kid No. 2 (that's his actual name) for his first ride as he will soon be one year old.

ce said...

Sorry Yarpo, all I remember from primary school Italian lessons is "Apri la finestra"

ChamoisJuice said...

I am offended by the ignarant comments toward Daily News Bike Snob. She is clearly not an Aztec Princess. I mean, look at her. She is mulatto, obviously. She is a rare mixed breed: the black and jewish combo... STRANGER STILL: the father was the jew! I wonder what that family life is like?

“People think Hasidim are interesting or weird."

Daily News reporter Simone Weichselbaum has won a national award for her “piercing, respectful, accurate and often entertaining” coverage of multicultural Brooklyn and its various Jewish communities.

Anonymous said...

Rob Fords looks like a young Chris Farley. Assuming Chris Farley were an additional 150 lbs overweight.

He is gonna play hell with the Canuckian free healthcare system.

Anonymous said...

Snobs,

A funeral home in Eugene Oregon now offers a bicycle hearse for your "last ride".

Eugene is the new Portland.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Cracked on the climb.

KnobGrindr said...

Yarpo, You're always so nice and positive towards everybody. Any chance you could go and blow ChamoisJuice? It might mellow him out a bit; we would all benefit...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Chamois Juice,

Your attempts at ethnic humor are even more cringeworthy than your bike critiques.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ, you never fail to provoke.

Mulatto is a word not used in polite society, and has been out of favor for at least a half-century.

Is she a quadroon or an octaroon?

All kidding aside, I sincerely hope that someday (soon), you spout off one of your perjoratives and somebody socks you right in the jaw and breaks it.

You certainly deserve it.

Love and kisses...

ChamoisJuice said...

You should see my attempts at satisfing a woman. Like my attempts at humor, as long as I am satisfied, I am satisfied.

I actually have work to do today. SHIT's WACK

McFly said...

As the resident perv I feel I should address question #1 and pulling out in general. I always go into Jens Voight mode when I do it and scream out


SHUT UP EGGS!!!

Anonymous said...

I thought a Mulatto was a designer iced coffee drink with mule semen in it.

Dooth said...

Warren Buffet! "wasting away again in Margaritaville"...wait, wrong Buffet.

ChamoisJuice said...

I am still chucking away to myself imagining this woman's family. Jamaican mom, jewish dad. I wonder what her accent is like? OYVE YMON
Hey mon!
+
shlimazelt

WIWM, I don't have to worry about a beat down. I live in the PNW, remember? We don't have minorities here. The only people who would be butthurt by off colored comments are uptight white people, and as you know, they are pussies.

DB said...

Thanks, Nina and Dooth for your welcome to NYC.
The Mrs. rented a nice house in Astoria and we have feasted on falafels and hookahs.
Went to the Bohemian beer garden last night. Very fun.
Vestas tonight and tomorrow shift into wedding mode.
You are lucky to live here.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ, I'll have to give you that. If you live in Portland, no hipster guy with those girlie/scrawny/T-rex arms will ever be able to swing hard enough to administer the beat-down you so richly deserve.

Hey boss-man, I know that the comment board is supposed to be open to one and all, but in this one case, can't we make an exception?

Pretty, pretty please?

The Ghost of Chris Farley said...

Possessing Rob Ford is AWESOME! YEAH!

Comment deleted said...

What a Friday finish! Exploding whale and 100% elephant scranus.

It's going to be a good weekend.

Comment deleted said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grump said...

Snobby, you had me scared there, for a moment. I thought that you were going to say that they caught a politician "blood doping".

RE: your Spreecast yesterday, Stick with what you do well. One last thing....It looked like Fatty was afraid of you. Did you beat him up once??
.
.
.

Resident of Politeistan said...

Robs Fords looking at that Rosh Hashanah horn dealie and thinking "Coolest. Pipe. Ever! I could get a shitload of crack in that fucker!"

Anonymous said...

CJ, take solace in the fact that globally speaking, you're a minority.

DB said...

Waiting for my son to fly in from LA.
Working an Iowa Speedball trying to stay awake: Diet Coke, Marlboro and bourbon

pc police said...

He had to one-up McFly's jungle fever comment.

Anonymous said...

I think I know who ChamoisJuice thinks he's channeling.

Yarpo said...

KnobGrindr: No, but thanks for asking.

CE: No worries. You saved us from the Ass Monkeys and that's what's important.

Exploding Whale video...made me all warm and fuzzy inside from the nice use of demolitions.

Scranutato was made up on the spur of the moment. Some research shows us that in Italian, scrotum is,"scroto" and anus is, "ano" so maybe scranus should be, "scroto-ano" or,"scrotano."

KnobGrindr.........NO!

andrewnl acts...robot for anal adrenalated acts.

KnobGrindr said...

Pretty please?

ce said...

Yarpo, I don't know quite how to break this to you, so I'll just say it. THE ASS MONKEYS ARE US!! Oh, and also SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!

Here, this might cheer you up.

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Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB IS A LOSER BIKING GIVES LOWERS YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVES YOU BALL CANCER

Anonymous said...

^I blame the mephedrone. Rob Ford is smarter than all the coke doing hipsters. He cooks that cut right out.

Yarpo said...

CE, you mean the Ass Monkeys are...and Soylent Green is........fuuuuuuuck...like, wow, that's a HUGE paradigm shift to deal with. The idea that Ass Monkeys are US is maybe why I exhibit the Screaming Fear about them and maybe I just have to face up to that, but Soylent Green? Come on, I would only believe that if Charlton Heston told me so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Sp-VFBbjpE

Oh shit.

KnobGrindr: NO!

Rehan Ahmed: KnobGrindr has a favor to ask of you and he might even give YOU $10 for it.

CE Again: 2 minutes and 40 seconds of Enrico Caruso just cheered me the fuck up nicely. Grazie Mille!

Paul Bowen said...

Go here to donate to get the Robs Fords crack video online and public: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/rob-ford-crackstarter

Paul Bowen said...

Anon @2.18: we know that's you Mr Fords.

Tour of California Calling said...

Rob Fords does crack? Wow! He's one step away from being a pro bike rider.

Ass Monkey's Have Attacked said...

Wicked attack of Ass Monkeys today (a.k.a. Montezuma's Revenge). Must have been the Olive Loaf that did it. I should have only did a half pound, but the time trial made me keep eating it. Yum, Olive Loaf, Brooklyn Jewish Rye Bread and mustard made and curated in Brooklyn. It's like winning the triple crown of watching bike racing on TV. The triple crown of Bike Snob biking would be winning a date with Babble, Frilly and Nina, all at once. I could make everyone an olive loaf sandwich and we could go on a picnic and get back to nature.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 2:18 AM --

Insomnia?

My dog suggests that if you are having trouble sleeping that you try counting sheep instead of sperm.

You know, sometimes he surprises me with his common sense.

And sperm counting doesn't sound like much of a hobby.

You should try riding a bike. That always help me sleep.

grumpy (less so) said...

Jaws - sporting the original grille. A man before his time - a trailblazer. Still bloated on olive loaf and BTW day avoidance. Ride it off on Sunday if I'm not too hungover.

Blog Drafter said...

Yarpo @: 2:35

No,no,no...opera tifoso? Splendido, bravo!

Opportuno referenza con Giro!

Saluto,

BG

Deepankar Rawat said...

Download Fast And Furious 6 Movie

leroy said...

What I learned this weekend:

If you stop at the bottom of a hill to pee behind a tree and your bike falls over, don't forget to make sure the bump didn't cause a brake pad to rub. It makes going uphill much harder.

I also learned that peeing behind a tree for privacy isn't as easy as my dog claims.

A group ride a minute behind me might agree.

ce said...

I found a video hiding on my computer today that I never got around to uploading to the comments. I made it as a response to Snobbo's post back on the 10th of March 2011. It seems like a good one for a lazy Sunday afternoon, so kick back, crack open a cold one and minimise the viewing frame as small as possible so that the pixels don't get lonely. Hang in there until the epic finale.

Yarpo said...

Blog Drafter, tante grazie!

CE, did you make that video?

Gonna put peanut butter on my Soylent Green crackers and try not to think about Charlton Heston's shocking information.

babble on said...

I have grease stains everywhere somehow.

What I learned this weekend:
Hill training is mostly about how many hills you climb and how hard you push. Coming along...

Also, I learned that sometimes things aren't what they seem. I thought the man and I were a forever thing until the very moment we weren't a thing anymore.

Life is full of all kinds of surprises sometimes.

Yarpo said...

Babble, you have my deepest sympathy, and I'm sure many others in the Com-meh-ntariat will feel the same.

Sometimes life tastes like Soylent Green crackers, with or without peanut butter.

Pedal Therapy helps and hills will make you STRONG.

In Bocca Al Lupo!

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Thank you. I will be alright in the end. I am strong, even stronger than the taste of soylent green crackers, because I have been taking a lot of pedal therapy lately. Yes, it does help. Blessed be.

Omni Maa said...

Hi
very funny video this blog.

Shoes For Sale

ce said...

Yarpo, yes, but unfortunately it is not me singing the Bon Jovi cover in this instance. To put it in context better, a couple years ago Snobbo posted about John "Wayward Eyebrow" Cassidy, a writer for the New Yorker who had been copping flack for an article he wrote criticising bike lanes. After the controversy, Wayward Brow went on to sarcastically congratulate cyclists for being "urbane, enlightened sophisticates". I took great offence to this and set about documenting cycling's many suburbane, enredneckened dorkisticates. Well, I had a bit of a go, my video editing program was giving me the shits and the picture clarity was a somewhat uninspiring, so I gave up before fully realizing my vision. However, I did get a chuckle out of it yesterday, particularly the Victorious Mountain Bike Sunset Silhouettes, so I thought I might as well plug another hole in the internet with it.

crosspalms said...

CE,
Nice video! Reminded me to mention the photo of Phil Jackson in the NYTimes magazine this weekend, rolling a bike through the Knicks offices in 1974.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Cool vid CE. A little bit of everything in there even some bents. Thanks.

Comment deleted said...

Oh Babs, challenges come in bunches sometimes. Sending my best wishes your way.

Also, you should realize that the pulses of thousands of men just quickened.

Hang in there, honey.

Comment deleted said...

Really enjoyed the vid, CE. Nice multiple douche-clamation points at the end, too.

JB said...

Oh no, Babble!

I must say I was dissappointed when I first heard you were relationshipping (very, very selfishly, since I'm very married).

Now, feel terrible that you're no longer relationshipping. Plus, you just lost your job! But you know all of this. Gah! Many changes at once. Gahhh!

Keep your chin up and go get 'em!

Also, I'm buying futures in male one-way plane/train/bus tickets to Vancouver.

Anonymous said...

If your job is being a thief you need a bike to go to work with.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Babble,

I thought I posted something earlier this morning, but now I don't see it. Anyway, hugs to you from further down the west coast; keep your moxie in shape. You are a winner.

Anonymous said...

In the Great Basin there is a city that has a bikeshare and the bikes have large baskets that will accommodate a daypack and a large umbrella (slid cross-wise through the basket braces)

*photo of bike with basket is halfway down the page*

http://www.bikeslc.com/GetBiking/images/GREENbike2.jpg