Landmark This: Bikes Not Diapers

(Stupid dumb idiots.)

Like many bike dorks, I have too many bikes.  Nevertheless, I can think of about a gazillion situations in which I'd find myself in Manhattan (or, Lob forbid, Brooklyn) without a bike and be grateful to be able to access one with the swipe of a card.  That's why I like this whole bike share thing.  Plus, I've used it in both Washington, DC and London and found that it works well, so I'm very pleased that we're getting it.

Unfortunately, people who don't know anything about how bike share works are leaving incredibly stupid comments on bike share articles all over the Internet.  Basically, it's the same few objections raised over and over, none of which have any basis in reality.  Just read the comments on this article--half of the commenters are too dumb to live.  Sure, there's an FAQ on the Citi Bike website, but nobody's going to read that.  Plus, FAQs are too polite for today's brand of Internet idiots.  What we really need is an FMC (or "Frequent Moronic Comment") page that lists them all and knocks them down one by one.  Here is an FMC for the bike share system:


This is New York City, the bikes will get stolen right away.

No they won't.  Why would anybody steal a klunky, ugly, worthless bike share bike with nonstandard parts when it's laughably easy to separate hipsters from their stupid $3,000 Chinelly X MUSH collabo bikes and then part them out on eBay?

Criminals are stupid, but they're not that stupid.  Stealing a bike share bike instead of a real bike would be like stealing a payphone instead of an iPhone.

To put it another way, I can go outside right now and steal a $500 wheel or a $200 saddle and seatpost from a locked bike in about 30 seconds, and all I need is a multitool.  Meanwhile, it takes about twice the upper body strength possessed by a typical cyclist to remove a bike share bike from a kiosk, even after you've legitimately paid for it.


People who want to ride bikes should just buy their own.

Yeah, OK.  And people who want to ride buses should also just buy their own.  And what the fuck is up with Netflix?  Anyway, it's useful even if you still own a bike.  I already own a toilet too, but it's still more convenient for me to use a different one when I'm not at home.  Plus, I don't even have to clean it!


Won't people ride around without helmets?

Yes.  Stop being such a fucking wussbag.


They only give you a half hour with the bike before hitting you with overcharges, that's stupid.

No, you're stupid.  That's the whole point, short trips for people who have jobs and lives.  You're supposed to ride the bike from one station and the other, not futz around on it all day.

You must be one of those people who spends 45 minutes in the Starbucks bathroom.


The tourists will run rampant all over the city.

Firstly, tourists already run rampant all over the city.  Secondly, the bikes are for people who live here.  The system is designed for short trips made by people who know where they are going.  Did you read the last part, idiot?  Tourists will still rent the goofy "Bike And Roll" bikes.


Noisy bike share stations with their corporate advertising will ruin the character of my landmarked neighborhood.

No, you're ruining the character of your landmarked neighborhood by being a douchebag.  Your landmarked neighborhood had character exactly until you moved there.  London and Paris both have bike share and they fart more beauty and history in their sleep than any Brooklyn neighborhood.  The average Tesco is more interesting than your stupid brownstone.

And yeah, bike share stations are so noisy, what with their loud motors and slamming doors and alarms going off all night long.


I think that about covers it.

By the way, as a reader points out, people in Brooklyn don't want Citibank logos on their precious streets, but they are fine with babies "making" all over the place:

Ms. Shapiro, who is a doula, a birth and child-rearing coach, says it is practically now a job qualification to at least be able to offer diaper-free training as an option to clients. Caribou Baby, an “eco-friendly maternity, baby and lifestyle store” on the border of artsy Greenpoint and Williamsburg, has been drawing capacity crowds to its diaper-free “Meetups,” where parents exchange tips like how to get a baby to urinate on the street between parked cars.

Expect to find a Brooklyn parent holding a baby with a last name for a first name over your Rivendell and leaving a nice big surprise on your Brooks sometime this summer.

Meanwhile, we're all supposed to be really impressed that someone won a race without taking drugs:

Also, something about a boat:

“He started out with us. I remember being out fishing in 2006 and I got his phone number and I was out on this boat, and I’d been chasing him around. I actually tried to convince him to turn pro in 2007 but he said no and wanted to stay amateur for another year,” Vaughters told Cyclingnews.

Wait, what?  Vaughters was chasing Martin around in a boat?  Or was the whole point of the story that he got a phone call on a boat?  This sounds like a story Grandpa Simpson would tell.

In any case, everyone in cycling is giving each other handjobs because somehow this is supposed to mean that the system is suddenly and miraculously working--except for Greg LeMond, who continues to receive handjobs for complaining about how the system isn't working:

"I want to see cycling get to where I can say I can see a real winner."

Do you mean "winning" in the crossing-the-line-first sense, or in the Charlie Sheen sense?  Because I can show you the latter:

Incredibly, he's actually worn that shirt more than once:

I bet he makes that "douche smirk" every time he pulls it out of the drawer, too:

(To make a douche smirk, just act like you're trying to smell your upper lip.)

He also makes that face every time "The Boys Are Back In Town" comes on the radio.

Anyway, Lance Armstrong didn't come to the anti-doping party, even though it was in Austin:

Armstrong was invited to attend the discussion in his home town but declined the offer.

Evidently he was too busy hastening the transition from "icon" to "novelty" by playing drums at a reggae festival:


 Which LeMond also attended by way of showing that there were no hard feelings:

 

Jonathan Vaughters would have come too, but you see, he was out on this boat.

Lastly, as you may also have read on BikePortland, a reader tells me a driver in the vicinity of Portland pulled off an "epic" drive in a bike lane:

Police walked with the car as it slowly made its way the other side of the bridge. Police said the driver was not impaired. She was not cited.

Isn't stupidity a form of impairment?