Put On Your Wednesday Pants And Start Pumping.

Cleveland.

Popular collaboratively edited online encyclopedia Wikipedia defines Cleveland thusly:

Whereas Merriam-Webster provides an alternate definition:

But no matter which way you slice it, I'll be in "The Cleve" this coming Saturday, April 27th, Two Thousand And Mother Fucking Thirteen.

Sorry for the cursing.  I just got a little excited, that's all.  I mean, it's not very day you get to go to Cleveland.

Also, Cleveland is in Ohio.

So what's that?  You're the one (1) person who lives in Cleveland and actually wants to come see me promote my new book, "Bike Snob Abraod," the book the New York Times declared to be "a book?"  Well, here are the "deets."  (How badly do you want to shoot me right now for saying "deets?"  I actually want to shoot myself it's so annoying.  Too bad about those pesky gun laws.)  From 1:00-3:00pm we'll be at the Market Garden Brewery:

Here, I will spew incoherent blather, after which you are welcome to shout at me and call me a "douchebag" in a public forum and fling your local cuisine at me.  Will you be able to buy a copy of my book there?  Yes, thanks to Visible Voice books.  There will also be "Cycle Sodas," which I guess is lager and lemonade, because why not?  (I had no idea that was called a "Cycle Soda," I always just called it "breakfast.")

Then at 3:00pm the Cleveland Tweed Ride rolls out, which is my cue to run crying back to New York with a snot bubble in my nose.

I think that about covers it, and I hope to see you there.  In Cleveland.  Cleveland, Ohio.

Wow.

Moving on, yesterday I had the misfortune to find myself in Brooklyn (if you've never been to Brooklyn, just picture a more expensive Portland where they hate bikes), and while there I saw numerous bike share stations.  Here's one:

(Invisible bikes.)

And?  And what?  That's the whole story, I saw bike share stations, and I took a picture of one.  That's called "journalism," and it's why I make the big bucks.  By the way, my commute yesterday took me through four out of five boroughs--the Bronx:

(My house where I live.)

Manhattan:

(Gentrification.)

Queens:



And finally Brooklyn:

The only borough I didn't pass through was Staten Island, because you can't ride your bike there without going on a boat, and Jonathan Vaughters wasn't around to give me a lift on his.

Anyway, as I rode, I marveled at how far the bike infrastructure has come in this town, since for a good portion of the ride I was on bike lanes or greenways.  It's a shame that whoever becomes mayor next will probably ruin it all, but I'm doing my best to enjoy it white it lasts--even if half the time someone's using the bike lane to walk their dog, or even if fully 100% of the bike traffic on the 1st avenue bike lane consists of salmon.



I love British nature porn.

[Editor's note: after typing that last sentence I fell asleep and had a nightmare that I had to visit Cleveland.  Then I woke up and was momentarily relieved until I remembered that I really did have to visit Cleveland.  Then I watched the salmon video again and was oddly comforted by it.  Sometimes you just have to yield to the natural order of things.]

Lastly, if you have $50,000 to spare, this guy needs some help:


Wait, he's putting up with bad weather?  Why doesn't he just put on some pants?!?

Anyway, in addition to being unable to dress properly for the weather, Inventor Steve also suffers from "biker walk," an affliction that closely resembles imminent diarrhea:

Sure, he tried "padded shorts," but he didn't like them, because they made him feel like he was "wearing a diaper:"

Though he admits he was happy to be wearing them when what he thought was another bout of "biker walk" turned out to be explosive diarrhea.

Of course, the reasonable question at this point is, "What the hell kind of shorts did Steve buy?"  But Steve is not reasonable.  He's the opposite of reasonable--a Kickstarter inventor--so instead of buying different shorts he builds himself an inflatable bike seat:

Using cutting-edge 1980s sneaker technology:



Naturally his friends love it, probably because they also bought the same brand of diaper shorts:

I hate to say it, but Steve may need a recumbent:

For additional comfort, simply leave supplied naked rider in situ before mounting.