Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Put On Your Wednesday Pants And Start Pumping.

Cleveland.

Popular collaboratively edited online encyclopedia Wikipedia defines Cleveland thusly:


Whereas Merriam-Webster provides an alternate definition:


But no matter which way you slice it, I'll be in "The Cleve" this coming Saturday, April 27th, Two Thousand And Mother Fucking Thirteen.

Sorry for the cursing.  I just got a little excited, that's all.  I mean, it's not very day you get to go to Cleveland.

Also, Cleveland is in Ohio.

So what's that?  You're the one (1) person who lives in Cleveland and actually wants to come see me promote my new book, "Bike Snob Abraod," the book the New York Times declared to be "a book?"  Well, here are the "deets."  (How badly do you want to shoot me right now for saying "deets?"  I actually want to shoot myself it's so annoying.  Too bad about those pesky gun laws.)  From 1:00-3:00pm we'll be at the Market Garden Brewery:


Here, I will spew incoherent blather, after which you are welcome to shout at me and call me a "douchebag" in a public forum and fling your local cuisine at me.  Will you be able to buy a copy of my book there?  Yes, thanks to Visible Voice books.  There will also be "Cycle Sodas," which I guess is lager and lemonade, because why not?  (I had no idea that was called a "Cycle Soda," I always just called it "breakfast.")

Then at 3:00pm the Cleveland Tweed Ride rolls out, which is my cue to run crying back to New York with a snot bubble in my nose.

I think that about covers it, and I hope to see you there.  In Cleveland.  Cleveland, Ohio.

Wow.

Moving on, yesterday I had the misfortune to find myself in Brooklyn (if you've never been to Brooklyn, just picture a more expensive Portland where they hate bikes), and while there I saw numerous bike share stations.  Here's one:


(Invisible bikes.)

And?  And what?  That's the whole story, I saw bike share stations, and I took a picture of one.  That's called "journalism," and it's why I make the big bucks.  By the way, my commute yesterday took me through four out of five boroughs--the Bronx:


(My house where I live.)

Manhattan:


(Gentrification.)

Queens:



And finally Brooklyn:


The only borough I didn't pass through was Staten Island, because you can't ride your bike there without going on a boat, and Jonathan Vaughters wasn't around to give me a lift on his.

Anyway, as I rode, I marveled at how far the bike infrastructure has come in this town, since for a good portion of the ride I was on bike lanes or greenways.  It's a shame that whoever becomes mayor next will probably ruin it all, but I'm doing my best to enjoy it white it lasts--even if half the time someone's using the bike lane to walk their dog, or even if fully 100% of the bike traffic on the 1st avenue bike lane consists of salmon.



I love British nature porn.

[Editor's note: after typing that last sentence I fell asleep and had a nightmare that I had to visit Cleveland.  Then I woke up and was momentarily relieved until I remembered that I really did have to visit Cleveland.  Then I watched the salmon video again and was oddly comforted by it.  Sometimes you just have to yield to the natural order of things.]

Lastly, if you have $50,000 to spare, this guy needs some help:


Wait, he's putting up with bad weather?  Why doesn't he just put on some pants?!?


Anyway, in addition to being unable to dress properly for the weather, Inventor Steve also suffers from "biker walk," an affliction that closely resembles imminent diarrhea:


Sure, he tried "padded shorts," but he didn't like them, because they made him feel like he was "wearing a diaper:"


Though he admits he was happy to be wearing them when what he thought was another bout of "biker walk" turned out to be explosive diarrhea.

Of course, the reasonable question at this point is, "What the hell kind of shorts did Steve buy?"  But Steve is not reasonable.  He's the opposite of reasonable--a Kickstarter inventor--so instead of buying different shorts he builds himself an inflatable bike seat:


Using cutting-edge 1980s sneaker technology:



Naturally his friends love it, probably because they also bought the same brand of diaper shorts:


I hate to say it, but Steve may need a recumbent:


For additional comfort, simply leave supplied naked rider in situ before mounting.

86 comments:

matt said...

show me your steamer!

ken e. said...

sakura!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

ubercurmudgeon said...

How long has Ms. Recumbabe been lying there, and yet she still doesn't have a tan.

babble on said...

Good Wednesday! Nipples!! Hooray!

boys on the hoods said...

Early Post, Top 10??

ChamoisJuice said...

Dope!

Vegas said...

Weednesday pants! Puttin em on both legs at once!

mikeweb said...

Double Recumbabe today! That's just like a double rainbow.

Anonymous said...

BIKR WALK

Jimboner said...

explosive post!

Anonymous said...

More airbags or imafuckinkillya

judyda per

babble on said...

mmmm CLEAVEland. Thanks for the definition, Snobberdoodles... it makes me happy to know it means what it looks like it means.

Which begs the question:
Who would name their town after their genitals?

Yarpo said...

Recumbo-Nipples! Birkenstocks!
CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!!

Anonymous said...

Cleveland in April? Catch a north wind and you'll smell the winter shad kill off Lake Erie. East wind and you'll get the same smell from the Westside Market. South is Tremont, the Williamsburg of Cleveland, crawling with hipsters. Go west. Big Country.

Human Highlight Reel said...

Now THIS is a million dollar bike seat idear...

babble on said...

human highlight...

Yes, yes it is.

crosspalms said...

I'd have been here sooner, but I read "in situ" and had to go put on a tie.

Cleveland? Getting perilously close to Chicago. They'll stop predicting snow any day now, it'll be safe to come here soon.

20 step high podium said...

Top 20 and no Ass Monkeys in sight.

livingjetlag said...

"Fill your saddle with air while you're riding." Is that a fart joke?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dang diddly dios... scranus!

mikeweb said...

Snob,

After photo-journalizing that bike share station did you do any Roubaix-izing on the cobbled section of York St. Behind you?

If so, it might explain the scranus and inflatable scranus pillow theme of today's post.

janinedm said...

I just ordered reflective lettering for my frame that says, "Sorry I'm not sorry!" Pretty excited about it.

Canadian Dept. of Tourism said...

BABBLE "Who would name..." Rob Fords will make his last official act in office the renaming of Toronto to "Balls Bigger Than Brain"

balls™ said...

Vibrating inflatable saddle up the Cleveland?


(nipple)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i snorted, loled, and did an explosive diharreha bout in my bike shorts reading this today.

excuse me while i go to clean up my bike seat.

Anthony Bourdain said...

WCRM: "Throw local cuisine at me..." FYI Sauerkraut Balls are a traditional Northeast Ohio favorite. So be prepared to be slapped in the face by lots and lots of balls.

Comment deleted said...

I've always thought that salmon (the real ones, not the idiot coming straight at you with a derp expression on his face) got a tough break from nature.

Imagine making that epic struggle upstream, marshaling the last of your life force to make an epic waterfall leap. Just as you break the surface, you see a giant grizzly maw laconically opening to receive you.

If you should somehow make it past being devoured alive, you get the ultimate reward: you get to spray your juice on a rock, then die.

On the plus side, salmon is delicious, but I don't think that comforts salmon one bit.

Anonymous said...

"Cycle soda" must be an adaptation of the German drink "radler." At biergartens, they sell a mix of carbonated lemonade and light beer, sold in bottles or steins with pictures of bicyclists, called "radler", or vaguely "cyclist." They are aimed at your average portly German Saturday cyclist, out for a lazy ride on the bike path, then a radler + bratwurst, then home.

Anonymous said...

It must suck to be a salmon. You work so hard to swim upstream only to have like a 95% chance of being eaten by a bear. Being a bear on the other hand looks like fun, if you like salmon.

Anonymous said...

that's marketing for you, tryign to create a perceived need for something completely worthless, like an air seat. what do you do when you get a flat seat? That's not kuhl! Jerkoff.

mikeweb said...

I'm thinking that inventor might have seen this commercial. It could explain the whole diaper thing.

Anonymous said...

I hear that Cleveland is actually pretty cool. If you like abondoned buildings, poverty and mullets.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wednesdaystrong.

grog said...

Love her two times.
BIKE SNOT
SNOT BUBL
BUBL BABE
BABE BIKE
Don't go to Scranus.
You'll be sorry.

Human Highlight Reel said...

Babble, one of these days I will tell you to do a mother fuckin' poppa wheelie and you will like it.

Do you like dragons?

Anonymous said...

As a wise old friend of mine says, "Sometimes you eat the bear, most times the bear eats you"

fhfr436 said...

I like how Steve "even tried padded shorts", as if that's the final straw in trying to achieve the impossible: comfort on a bike seat.

Anonymous said...



Think the guy should combine his idea with snobs and manufacture inflatable recumboBabe. Then his only problem would be the biker shorts pup tent.

dcee604 said...

Steve should have looked a little harder. There already exists an inflatable saddle.
http://www.allaysaddles.com/

Anonymous said...

That bike share kiosk is spoiling my view of that 20 foot high chain link fence, have it removed!

Frilly Chick said...

Anon 1:05--Sounds like a pretty good Saturday to me.

Anonymous said...

Nice blog and all but nothing you've ever written can top this.

http://stevetilford.com/?p=25307

Begonia said...

Snobby, I really hope you get a chance to visit Ray's MTN bike park while you're in Cleveland! It closes for summer on April 28.

babble on said...

I did do a motha fuckin poppa wheelie today starting off from a light at the top of a hill this morning. On Bea bike the Amsterdam Royale of all things. And of course I loved it. I shocked the poop out of the poor spring Fred fresh from hibernation, who was thinking of shoaling me. Lycra-Freds hate it when a chick in heels owns them right off the start.

Heh heh. I am waaaaaaay too competitive for my own good, but it's just too much fun to pass up.

Dept of Canadian Tourism: Robba the Fords has balls??

ShammyJews said...

Please leave my naked rider in situ after mounting. And wipe her down too. I appreciate it.

Cipo said...

On Wednesday's, I have my Babe recums about 3, 4 times.

ChamoisJuice said...

Anon 1:47, you don't know SHIT about literature.

Behold the Kludgie

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Stick a whoopie cushion on your saddle for a soft ride and get a laugh on your next group ride.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to add to your post, but I just wanted to say "happy birthday" to me.

BTW - I just donated my BSNYC autographed t-shirt to the local humane society. They will probably use it to line a pet cage or worse, clean a pet cage.

Anonymous said...

Rarely in the history of the blogosphere has such rudimentary Photoshop skills been put to such good use. Maybe you don't suck at everything after all. Or maybe you do.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Babble, don't you have Dildo, Canada?

Close enough.

janinedm said...

Babble, I ride a 50+ lb Workcycles Oma and it's impossible to not be competitive. These fair weather Freds show up with a bike that weighs less than what's in my pannier and expect me to be impressed. Getting a 20 lb bike to go fast is, to me, a feat akin to bench presses in space. I really hope I'm just seeing people coming back from long rides because if you can't pass a 20 year smoker on a granny bike, you need to take that crabon money and see a cardiologist.

Max Schlachter said...

Ugh, Cleveland. Cincinnati is sort of better.

At least if you like hills.

Anonymous said...

recumbabe is too low-res
wle

Max Schlachter said...

Also, the "cycle soda" is a German invention. Known as the Radler, it is half lemonade and half Weissbier and all delicious.

Anonymous said...

not that i tried to blow her up, or anything like that, no, not that at all,
wle

JB said...

Speaking of German drinks. Half orange soda and half Coca-cola: 100% sugary deliciousness. And you can buy them premixed. It's called Spazi, or something.

meticulous comment reader said...

A few points:

It must be pointed out that BSNYC's tropical abode is literally build over a tropical lagoon, and it has a hot tub.


Ohio is a bit like Africa in the olden days: know its there, its big, but don't know a lot about it.

One was to make seats hurt less is to cycle more: makes you less fat and your legs get a lot stronger.

Jimboner said...

As a 4 year veteran of various fisheries on Kodiak Island who has witnessed brown bears feeding from Akhiok to Katmai I can say with authority that the bears prefer to gorge on the spawned-out and dying salmon rather than try to catch the bright ones rocketing up stream. Just like Robs Fords heads straight to the buffet instead of ordering off the menu. Eat more, conserve energy, store fat for hibernation, recumbabe.

The Cleveland Chamber of Commerce said...

Ohio, just like old-timey Africa.

We like to cook our tourists in a giant pot over an open flame while we dance around with our spears and bones through our noses.

Oh, and our grandfather, the Nigerian Oil Minister, just passed on, and we need your bank account number in order to expatriate millions frozen by the ruthless Idi Amin. You will be most handsomely rewarded, I assure you of that.

Roille Figners said...

If you had given out "didgies" alongside the "deets" I would've really had to shoot someone. Like anyone. And then myself. In the eye. These sentence fragments. Are equally annoying. Sorry. But "didgies" really burns me up because it's NO SHORTER than "digits" which itself is no shorter than the much less trying-to-sound-cool "number." So go type that into your "interwebs" and "innertubes" you motherf-

***BANG***

Roille Figners said...

BACK FROM THE DEEEAAD!! YOU'RE FUCKIN PRETTY LOUD, NEW JERSEY! ALL RIIIIGHT!

I'm betting the additional word in the I'm-not-a-robot proving test is a result of the two little spam appearances in yesterday's comments.

Dooth said...

I'd like to visit Cleveland...Recumbabe's Cleveland.

QMacrocarpa said...

The problem of finding a comfortable bike seat has been around for more than 100 years. J.K. Jerome has this snippet of dialogue in Three Men on the Bummel, published in 1900:

He said: “It has been an idea of mine that the right saddle is to be found.”

I said: “You give up that idea; this is an imperfect world of joy and sorrow mingled. There may be a better land where bicycle saddles are made out of rainbow, stuffed with cloud; in this world the simplest thing is to get used to something hard.["]

Dear Rollie said...

English is such a rich language because the history of English speaking people is rich in conquest, and being conquered in turn, each such event leaving a linguistic footprint behind. So, yeah, most words in English have alternatives, from which you can choose to make your intended meaning more or less precise. So, digit (Latin) or number (also Latin, in this case); couch (Latin) or sofa (Arabic), etc.

Just sayin...

Anonymous said...

WCRM - I didn't realize you were in Boston recently - I thought you were coming up next month.

le Correcteur said...

Hey, Cleveland Chamber of Commerce, you've got to get the spam patter down better:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have found your name on the internet and am in need of your help in a dire way. May God bless you for answering my appeal.

I am Afakwewe Ubinda, the wife of the late Charles Ubinda, treasurer of Cameroon. My beloved husband recently died in a tragical automobile accident.

Upon his death I discovered among his papers a bank account with 143.7 (one hundred forty three point 7) million Euros. By the anticorruption laws of my country I cannot take ownership of this amount. This is why I need your urgent assistance.

And so on.

crosspalms said...

Snob, don't forget to pack your white belt and shoes for the trip.

commutebybike said...

decisions decisions... ride my recumbent, fixie or folder to RTMS's appearance?

leroy said...

You're in Cleveland
Which means scranus.
There you are now
Entertain us.

Anonymous said...

All you Cleveland haters Can Suck My Balls.

Come visit the Cleave. It's cozy and lovely and pretty and tastes great too. Seriously. (And I'm not even from here)

Anonymous said...

i have ridden on one of these for a decade

http://hobsonseats.com/new/2011/02/easyseat-ii/

stopped trying to figure out why people tolerate pain-inducing standard saddles. figure they like it.

Paul Bowen said...

I come from Cleveland, England (well OK, it was Yorkshire when I was born and is now just Middlesbrough but it was Cleveland for a while there) which certainly contains the testicles of the UK and also boasted the arsehole, until I left.

Paul Bowen said...

For maximum comfort and non-stop performance, my Brompton is now equipped with one of these babies.

Paul Bowen said...

Leroy @10.19: chapeau, Sir.

McFly said...

If you ever say "deets" again I will tear your liver out with an ice cream scoop and pair it with a vintage bottle of Wild Irish Rose.

Anonymous said...

Actually "Radler" means exactly that "cyclist." And everyone drinks Radler here in the summer, not just "portly cyclists out for a beer and a Raderl." It's just fucking normal -- oh, and you aren't special.

HiPlainsBrifter said...

I'm encouraging my friends in Cleveland to come see you. And throw rotten tomatoes.

The Rockettes said...

Babble: "who was thinking of shoaling me". If your legs were visible I'm thinking he was thinking of doing something else with you.

Cleveland, Slowly I Turned, Step by Step said...

JB @232: But the important question, is it available in Cleveland? Billboard in Cleveland "Rob Fords for Mayor" (he's running (probably not an accurate description) unopposed, so why the need for the billboard?).

Frilly Chick said...

Okay, McFly, now you have me thinking about liver mousse on crostini. And I'm starving. Thanks.

endostyle nstylex--good grief, I hope not!

cheap necklaces said...

I'd like to visit Cleveland...Recumbabe's Cleveland.

ChamoisJuice said...

regarding vaginae:

BITD, when I had girlfriend/booty call that worked at D&D Market, a popular spot for NYC roadies to stop and take a leak.

As a 18 year old I was over the moon as she:
was 21 and would buy me booze.
was a weed dealer= free chron
was a former gymnast
wore size 0 pants
had a girlfriend.

I went to preschool with her girlfriend and was confident I could make the two at one time thing happen. However, she was not an experimental carpet muncher, rather a thoroughbred dyke. She saw me as stealing away her true love. She threatened to cut my leg off with a saw... to this day the most bizarre and specific threat I have had directed at me.

Alva said...

This is cool!

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