Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Smells Like Wednesday!

First of all, I should let you know that yesterday, around 2:30-ish, I found Jesus Christ.

Secondly, this, as forwarded by many readers:



As my lord and saviour Jesus Christ famously said, "My heart bleeds for them when I hear someone walked face first into a camera, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day."

So far I've watched this video roughly two thousand times, and my favorite thing about it is that Canadians still have adorably lilting accents, even when they're evil incarnate and they're in tremendous pain.

Anyway, you may be wondering how and where I found Jesus Christ.  Was he in one of his usual hiding places?  The broom closet?  My other pants?  In the study, with the rope, snogging with Colonel Mustard?

Nope.  Jesus was in my Surly Big Dummy, along with pretty much everything else in the known universe.

See, springtime is child-portaging time.  You know the drill: picnics, waterside bike rides, gruelling survivalist outings in preparation for the coming Apocalypse.  (Nothing brings a family together like painting yourselves in camouflage, spending three days in a state park, and shooting at pictures of President Obama.)  Therefore, I was giving the Big Dummy a little going-over, which of course involves throwing away the gazillions of pounds of crap that accumulate in the luggage area.  And not only did I find Jesus Christ, but I also found this:


The Clif Bar on the right is obviously, well, a Clif Bar, and the black desiccated thing on the left is apparently what a banana becomes after a period of extreme neglect.  I have no idea how long it was in there since it was in a plastic bag, and I had just assumed the plastic bag was empty.  Finally though, I went to throw the plastic bag away and to my surprise there was a prehistoric banana in it.  There was also a neat little hole in the bag, suggesting that perhaps a rodent of some kind was nibbling on it back in an age when it contained more nutrients.

Needless to say, I ate both the Clif Bar and the banana, after which I blacked out.  When I awoke, Jesus Christ was standing over me, both resplendent and "commando" in his gleaming white Robes of Justice.

Challah Lawyer, Ah, Meh.

Moving on, yesterday I mentioned the Sram Red blahbidyblah groupeaux with hydraulic rim brakes, which prompted a reader to leave the following comment:


Anonymous said...

I don't know what idiocy prompted me to click on the SRAM yadda yadda groupset link, but then I saw that they're offering hydraulic rim brakes.

Let me take a moment to repeat that: hydraulic rim brakes.

wwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?

APRIL 16, 2013 AT 4:44 PM


Why?  Silly Fred!  Didn't you read the article?

It’s when the road starts to fall, and the speed starts to rise that the HRR (Hydraulic Road Rim) really starts to impress. With the lightest of touches, a single finger is more than enough to scrub masses of speed. As our confidence grew we found ourselves leaving it later and later to slow our velocity on entry to a corner and make significant improvements in overall speed. For example, the previous day's ride on mechanical brakes gave a max speed on the same descent of 42.8mph. On the hydraulic set-up we clocked 47.8mph.

Yeah, that's right.  With Sram hydraulic rim brakes, you can finally attain Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed:



By the way, I'm sure the fact that they were able to descend faster on the second day had absolutely nothing to do with their now being more familiar with the descent.  I'm sure it was all because brake fluid rather than a cable was causing an otherwise identical brake pad to make contact an otherwise identical rim.

I don't doubt that the hydraulic brakes do feel nice and all, but I'll stick with my current descending performance enhancing technique, which is harnessing the awesome power of gravity by applying additional mass to my midsection via regular consumption of alcoholic beverages.

(As Jesus always says, nothing gets you down hills faster than being fat and drunk.)

But you know what stops me in my tracks faster than any hydrolic break ever could?  An email subject line like this:

Cycling Kickstarter Needs Support!

What?  Your Kickstarter project needs help, you say?!?  What do you need?  I'll do anything!  Shall I give you a blank check? Bood, do you need blood?  Really, I don't even need to know what the project actually is, so sure am I that it will be revolutionary--though in this case I eventually clicked through and learned it's for something called "BarBumps."  BarBumps may sound like something Lindsay Lohan does on a night out, but it's actually just tumors you put under your bartape.  You can put them here:


Or here:



Or here:


(Looks like she did too many BarBumps.)

Or you get the idea.

Anyway, it's certainly not a bad idea, but for this he wants $32,000?


I'm not giving that kind of scratch to someone who wraps his handlebars from the top down:


I did just have a million dollar idea though, which is that SRAM should buy this concept and modify it so that the BarBumps could also contain the brake fluid.  That way their new hydraulic levers wouldn't have to be all coneheaded.

You're welcome.

By the way, remember these?


Yeah, neither does anybody else.

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be riding my new fixie, as forwarded by various readers:


Look for me in Central Park doing Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed times two.

110 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

First?

theEel said...

weed!

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Podium

Sean said...

Podium?

Sean said...

Heart of a champion, scranus of a Fred.

the Ass Monkeys said...

Foiled... by Google Earth!

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

The camera man in the collision was later heard to state that; "the Mayor came out of nowhere, I tried to stop but my foot slipped and I could not stop." Toronto Police have determined that no criminality occurred and will not be filing charges against the camera man.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

early weed.

Anonymous said...

ten?

babble on said...

mmm the sweet smell of weednsday.

JB said...

MEGA CRNK

wishiwasmerckx said...

I found Jesus.

He was behind the couch.

I asked him, and he confirmed that he had come to regret getting that "YOLO" tattoo.

Anonymous said...

They have matching carbon rims for those hydraulic rim brakes, right? I mean, I'll pay for those heavy metal rims on the way up and that five miles an hour won't even matter.

::)

babble on said...

Just one question: what makes you think that's a she?

babble on said...

Hey! I have exactly the same descent training program. It's excellent, isn't it?

I am super fast on the downhill.

Anonymous said...

u can smoke them bananas when they get good like that, peel and all.

ginuat 2754

Serial Retrogrouch said...

what i want to see the footage from the cameraman's point of view.

Stuck on Scranus said...

Hambone... stank.

Mark Maidique said...

"Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

Marcel Da Chump said...

Camera-doored Ford.

JB said...

Anon @11:45: lots of things can be smoked.

McFly said...

We pulled the front wheel off my Bro's new-to-him Intense Spider 29er and I say "Whatever you do, do not depress that brake lever."

He immediately, I mean immediately started pumping and pulling it in.

What are you a Stupidhead(tm) or something? I caught him with his hand on it again and hit it with a pedal wrench.

dnk said...

Jesus rides beside me.

He never buys any smokes.

Buffalo Bill said...

Nice camera work.
Woo-hoo-hoo!

DB said...

A favorite spring ritual of mine is cleaning out the under the bike seat bag and reliving epic rides from last year.
The bottle caps from Wisconsin beers, the food wrappers from butterfly pork chop sandwiches in Iowa and warning tickets from the Illinois State Police for running stop signs.
And there is always the bonus twenty dollar bill in there.

JB said...

McFly: apparently it has hydraulic brakes? I did not know that rule either, until I recently got a bike with them...

Comment deleted said...

Bret would love the geometry on that glorified p-far 100-mph bike.

Anonymous said...

Robs Fords was not wearing a helment. I am sure he will be sending a medical bill to the cameraman that came out of nowhere.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Jesus wears sandals, has a beard and yes you guessed it; rides a recumbent.

Roille Figners said...

Wednesday smells like scranus around here. I know, I'll shower tonight, I promise.

Anonymous said...

Did Jesus give you any tips on stem length, or is he a whatever feels good kinda guy? Was he lost? Did he ask directions?

I hope I meet Jesus someday. I will punch him in the nose real hard and ask WTF were you thinking, asshole!

Fritz said...

That hunnert mile an hour Fixie is going to need a dashboard and a plastic Jayzuss

Anonymous said...

Barbumps, make it ribbed for her pleasure.

or maybe you shouldn't hold it like your scranus.

Anonymous said...

I once opened a packet of Maonnaise (sp?) that I found on the ground. The smell was so wretched I almost vomited.

HAWT DAWG said...

Maria Jose Cristerna?
I thought it was Genesis P. Orridge.
More hot babes, please!

africansingle said...

That multi-car pile-up involving all those Fordses, couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. I suspect the cameraman is a closet cyclist.

P. Bateman said...

anyone see the last bit of that 100mph bike article?

that the author apparently had a hard time finding more info about "Mile a Minute Murphy" due to information on Charlie Murphy?

way to work hard mr journalist. you are giving snobber a run for the money in terms of being a lazy bastard.

Now Bitches! come over her and show charlie murphy yo' titties.


ChamoisJuice said...

CANA DURR

theEel said...

@dnk

nice 'mats reference.

P.W.I.G.

Ear-shot said...

Challah lawyer? Is this some kind of inside jew-joke like that bit about making sure to blow your load in your girl's ear so as to make the experience rabbinically correct?

JB said...

Let's get it back to bikecycling:

My friend has a 90 mm stem and mine is 80 mm. Is that why he's faster?

P.S. They are both slammed, natch.

Fred Nifacent said...

Found Jesus? I never lost him, unless we are playing hide-n-seek...He is awesome at that

hellbelly said...

Bar bumps? Hydro rim brakes? More answers to questions that no one is asking. Specifically, who spends a lot of time on their tops? Especially enough time to justify said modification? Hydro rim brakes have been around for a long time (Maguras), but really make little sense with the advent of disc brakes save for use on trials bikes. I would surmise that they would only make carbon wheels fail even more prematurely. The disc brakes will get there. The schadenfreude I ma enjoying from Mr Fords video is amazing.

Anonymous said...

Snob, like the slammed stem look on your knew ficksy. By the way does having a no-stem arrow-handle bar with fred ends so far forward eliminate the "tiller effect" of your previous "long stem" sled? And I noticed you don't have a hydrolic break up front. Will that mechanikel caliber stop you in thyme?

McFly said...

JB, yes it is hydrocodonelaulic. I fooled wth them on dirt motorcycles for years and if you keep the resevoir topped off and don't pump them closed without a disc you will be fine. His must have been full of fluid because it did not affect it.

Yo Wildcat I would not use shooting. And Obama. In the same. Sentence.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

When I was a kid me and the other kids would hang out in a park outside of town when we got our drivers licenses and drink beer. There was this one guy we called the "Can Man" because he would collect the aluminum cans out of the trash bins and we would give him our empties. Well he claimed to be a Viet Nam Veteran and told us stories of the dreaded "Black Banana".

Haven't thought of him in years. Thanks for the memories Wildcat.

Anonymous said...

I hear Robs Fords is trying out for the new Tommy Boy movie.

Anonymous said...

Dear bike snob,

Stop talking smack about me or I will rain some serious shit down upon thou.

Yours in Me,

Jesus

dana said...

Taping from the top down. What a rube! He doesn't deserve any money. The funders he already has should be notified so they can take their money back. Not that he's gonna reach 32 grand, mind.

Anonymous said...

That fast bike is for woosies; the real world-record bike has _two_ chainrings that size one after another.

http://www.fredrompelberg.com/upload/algemeen/Wereldrecord_fiets.JPG

Also, it is awesome that the cycling speed record holder's name is Fred:

http://www.fredrompelberg.com/en/html/algemeen/fredrompelberg/record.asp

Dooth said...

Wow! That's my ex-girlfriend! When she dumped me she kindly said, "it's me, not you."

babble on said...

Ha. They've caught someone...

Anonymous said...

I hit 46mph last weekend and didn't go Whoo-hoo-hoo. Does that mean I'm not a Fred? (Please say yes, please say yes).

CommieCanuck said...

Rob Fords should wear a biek Helment at all times.

CommieCanuck said...

update: Canada bans cameras. They'll have to pry my GoPro from my cold dead hands, camera's don't kill people, etc.

McFly said...

How about Daniel Moreno? No one expects the Spanish Inquisition but no one expects the Spanish attack, either.


Anonymous said...

Many years ago I checked out a book on a variety of subjects from my local library. The desk librarian flipped through the book with mild curiosity until she got to the section on drugs. When she saw "Smoking dried banana peals will get you high" she said with what appeared to be very believable first hand knowledge "No it won't." And also, "enough nutmeg to get you stoned will make you sick. Oh, mescaline, now that's a trip."

Ah, the stuff you can learn at the library!

ChamoisJuice said...

Oh Canada....

Emily Batty

Darcy Turenne

No boner stems or goffy tiller effects.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations CJ, you found some hot girls on the internets. Your mom must be proud. Oh wait....here she is in a video.....HEEEEEYYYYYY THATS NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN........there.....

heysus said...

quoting scripture: 'nothing gets you downhill faster than being fat and drunk' Ford 1.1

BamaPhred said...

46 mph? I would have to let go of the brake levers long enough to experience that moment. I don't bounce as well as I used to, more of a crumple zone now.

leroy said...

Rob Ford attacked by paparazzo?

My dog saw the video and commented "oh the humanity."

He then explained that was a reference to the newscaster's radio report of the Hindenburg disaster.

He was making a blimp accident reference.

Now I get it.

But still not getting my dog Ford's email address. Not buying his "I just want to send a get well card" nonsense.

jno62 said...

Woo-hoo X 2

Great name for a band.

grog said...

Challah Lawyer, Ah, Meh.
Oh Babe.

Roille Figners said...

"These brakes totally make me go faster!" -Fred

By the same toke(n), the big-ass chainring would probably help you go slower. Knowing just how G.D. fast you can go, you'd be more than happy to start braking early, thereby improving overall slowness.

Roille Figners said...

Is it wrong that I wish more and further suffering upon Robs Fords? I found Jesus, or at least became convinced there's a God, when I watched that video.

Anonymous said...

Walked into a stationary camera because he was looking at the floor. Fud.

Is that chainwheel not a Major Taylor (he of the stem) kind of a thing?

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Robs Fords's just announced the pending installation of camera lanes in all mayor's offices in the city.

Vegas said...

Eets naught ah toomuh!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I don't know about a bike being Jesus, but, I find that a nice ride on my favorite bike on a warm spring day, with a cold beer waiting at the end, is heavenly. Fun blog today.

Clydesteve said...

Jamie the reporter almost bit his tongue off to keep from laughing at Robs Fords.

probably drives a Chevie

Cipo said...

While I never met JC upfront and personal, I have seen his picture numerous times on packages of Zig Zag Rolling Papers.

Anon @ 1:50: is obviously not the real JC, the real JC doesn't use "Anonymous" as his sign in. He signs in "I the man, I the Man".

Malcolm Smith's Office said...

Leroy's Dog could be the next mayor of NYC. If he wants the job that is.

Counts Your Votes Before Leaving the Booth said...

Fords is still in Toronto? I though he was on a hunger strike in Guantanamo?

Funny, we had Bush, Canada gets Fords. Misery loves company.

Anonymous said...

Roille Figners at 3:18 PM,
Nicely said sir: bears repeating;

"These brakes totally make me go faster!" -Fred

How about, "A good training ride today makes for a better training ride tomorrow."-Fred

Oh well, I tried.

Anonymous said...

@Leroy (3:09 PM): "He was making a blimp accident reference." - Uhm - sorry, no, Sir ... The 'Hindenburg' was a rigid air ship, not a blimp without a backbone (at least until this little mishap on occasion of touchdown ...) - think 'laterally stiff yet vertically compliant', while Robba the Fords have no backbones at all right from the starts ...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ok, so study up on the distinction between an airship, a blimp, a dirigible and a zeppelin.

That shit will be on the final, I promise you.

Roille Figners said...

Zeppelin... that's like "hey-hey maaama said the way you mooove, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove"

BA-NUH-NUH-NEH-NUH-NEHHH-NORRR-BAIRNY-DUDDLY-NOWNOR-DEARRR-NORR-BEH-NEH-NEH-NUH-NA-NOR-NEE-DAOWWWWWW.....

Roille Figners said...

*thrust cock forward here*

Anonymous said...

@Roille Fingers: "Zeppelin... that's like "hey-hey maaama said the way you mooove, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove"" - Yeah, but a little later on he says: "I don't know but I've been told: women and people ain't got no soul" - that may or may not be correct, but it definitely ain't PC nowadays ... :-D
Just got the wonderful double DVD with their 1970 concert at the Royal Albert Hall - so no need to look it up in pieces on U-Tube anymore.

Grump said...

Iffin' those hydro thingy's make you go 5 mph faster, I'm all in.

PS those "bar bumps" real purpose is to give guy Freds something to squeeze and play with while they ride along.
.
.

Onespeed said...

News flash! Rob Ford givea cameraman head!

Frilly Chick said...

Kisses for wiwm! Nice podio.

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ce said...

It seems the hipsters are finally learning that a road bike is best suited to road riding, but for The Road riding nothing beats the Big Dummy.

Snobbo, you should always call your survivalist training exercises "family camping trips". You can get your family prepping without them even knowing and more importantly, potential competition for resources (everyone else) won't be wise to the precious supply caches you are hiding around the countryside.

Oh yeah, the Original Car Wars Trilogy turned up in the mail today. The overall dimensions of the books are similar to Gideon's bibles (Jesus is in the drawer of the bedside table), but the covers are very pretty, so I confidently surmise that they must be literary masterpieces.

ce said...

Leroy 3:09... funny stuff

Also, CJ is the Antichrist

ce said...

Sorry ChamoisJuice, it's just your initials backwards are "JC", you know. I actually really like your account name.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah... please don't incinerate my soul with your evil piercing eyes...

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Scranus of Scribe said...

Zahid @ 758: Did Martin Amis ghost write that for you? Come on, fess up.

Scranus of Scribe said...

Rajesh @131 (etc, etc, etc): Do you have to pay Martin Amis by the post?

"Polished concrete in Sydney" Really, I though he was the mayor of Toronto. Must have moved "Down Under", although I don't think he's seen his down under in ages.

Lump-Headed Chic said...

Please stop staring at me just because I am different.

Anonymous said...

LATE POST

better be worth it or ima get my $ back

Anonymous said...

Fredian physics suggests that as the velocity approaches fred-2 this results in ooh-ooh-ooh-oow

Anonymous said...

Why does blogger have "older posts" on the right and "Newer Posts" on the left?
That is so front brake on the left/rear-right - Yes we do it in reverse in the southern hemisphere.

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