Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Landmark This: Bikes Not Diapers





Like many bike dorks, I have too many bikes.  Nevertheless, I can think of about a gazillion situations in which I'd find myself in Manhattan (or, Lob forbid, Brooklyn) without a bike and be grateful to be able to access one with the swipe of a card.  That's why I like this whole bike share thing.  Plus, I've used it in both Washington, DC and London and found that it works well, so I'm very pleased that we're getting it.

Unfortunately, people who don't know anything about how bike share works are leaving incredibly stupid comments on bike share articles all over the Internet.  Basically, it's the same few objections raised over and over, none of which have any basis in reality.  Just read the comments on this article--half of the commenters are too dumb to live.  Sure, there's an FAQ on the Citi Bike website, but nobody's going to read that.  Plus, FAQs are too polite for today's brand of Internet idiots.  What we really need is an FMC (or "Frequent Moronic Comment") page that lists them all and knocks them down one by one.  Here is an FMC for the bike share system:


This is New York City, the bikes will get stolen right away.

No they won't.  Why would anybody steal a klunky, ugly, worthless bike share bike with nonstandard parts when it's laughably easy to separate hipsters from their stupid $3,000 Chinelly X MUSH collabo bikes and then part them out on eBay?

Criminals are stupid, but they're not that stupid.  Stealing a bike share bike instead of a real bike would be like stealing a payphone instead of an iPhone.

To put it another way, I can go outside right now and steal a $500 wheel or a $200 saddle and seatpost from a locked bike in about 30 seconds, and all I need is a multitool.  Meanwhile, it takes about twice the upper body strength possessed by a typical cyclist to remove a bike share bike from a kiosk, even after you've legitimately paid for it.


People who want to ride bikes should just buy their own.

Yeah, OK.  And people who want to ride buses should also just buy their own.  And what the fuck is up with Netflix?  Anyway, it's useful even if you still own a bike.  I already own a toilet too, but it's still more convenient for me to use a different one when I'm not at home.  Plus, I don't even have to clean it!


Won't people ride around without helmets?

Yes.  Stop being such a fucking wussbag.


They only give you a half hour with the bike before hitting you with overcharges, that's stupid.

No, you're stupid.  That's the whole point, short trips for people who have jobs and lives.  You're supposed to ride the bike from one station and the other, not futz around on it all day.

You must be one of those people who spends 45 minutes in the Starbucks bathroom.


The tourists will run rampant all over the city.

Firstly, tourists already run rampant all over the city.  Secondly, the bikes are for people who live here.  The system is designed for short trips made by people who know where they are going.  Did you read the last part, idiot?  Tourists will still rent the goofy "Bike And Roll" bikes.


Noisy bike share stations with their corporate advertising will ruin the character of my landmarked neighborhood.

No, you're ruining the character of your landmarked neighborhood by being a douchebag.  Your landmarked neighborhood had character exactly until you moved there.  London and Paris both have bike share and they fart more beauty and history in their sleep than any Brooklyn neighborhood.  The average Tesco is more interesting than your stupid brownstone.

And yeah, bike share stations are so noisy, what with their loud motors and slamming doors and alarms going off all night long.


I think that about covers it.

By the way, as a reader points out, people in Brooklyn don't want Citibank logos on their precious streets, but they are fine with babies "making" all over the place:


Ms. Shapiro, who is a doula, a birth and child-rearing coach, says it is practically now a job qualification to at least be able to offer diaper-free training as an option to clients. Caribou Baby, an “eco-friendly maternity, baby and lifestyle store” on the border of artsy Greenpoint and Williamsburg, has been drawing capacity crowds to its diaper-free “Meetups,” where parents exchange tips like how to get a baby to urinate on the street between parked cars.

Expect to find a Brooklyn parent holding a baby with a last name for a first name over your Rivendell and leaving a nice big surprise on your Brooks sometime this summer.

Meanwhile, we're all supposed to be really impressed that someone won a race without taking drugs:

Also, something about a boat:

“He started out with us. I remember being out fishing in 2006 and I got his phone number and I was out on this boat, and I’d been chasing him around. I actually tried to convince him to turn pro in 2007 but he said no and wanted to stay amateur for another year,” Vaughters told Cyclingnews.

Wait, what?  Vaughters was chasing Martin around in a boat?  Or was the whole point of the story that he got a phone call on a boat?  This sounds like a story Grandpa Simpson would tell.

In any case, everyone in cycling is giving each other handjobs because somehow this is supposed to mean that the system is suddenly and miraculously working--except for Greg LeMond, who continues to receive handjobs for complaining about how the system isn't working:


"I want to see cycling get to where I can say I can see a real winner."

Do you mean "winning" in the crossing-the-line-first sense, or in the Charlie Sheen sense?  Because I can show you the latter:

Incredibly, he's actually worn that shirt more than once:


I bet he makes that "douche smirk" every time he pulls it out of the drawer, too:


(To make a douche smirk, just act like you're trying to smell your upper lip.)

He also makes that face every time "The Boys Are Back In Town" comes on the radio.

Anyway, Lance Armstrong didn't come to the anti-doping party, even though it was in Austin:

Armstrong was invited to attend the discussion in his home town but declined the offer.

Evidently he was too busy hastening the transition from "icon" to "novelty" by playing drums at a reggae festival:


 Which LeMond also attended by way of showing that there were no hard feelings:

 

Jonathan Vaughters would have come too, but you see, he was out on this boat.

Lastly, as you may also have read on BikePortland, a reader tells me a driver in the vicinity of Portland pulled off an "epic" drive in a bike lane:


Police walked with the car as it slowly made its way the other side of the bridge. Police said the driver was not impaired. She was not cited.

Isn't stupidity a form of impairment?

105 comments:

Blog Drafter said...

I doped....

Anonymous said...

FIRST - Anon CLE!!! See you Saturday!

Anonymous said...

Podium. Yeah Cleveland

Anonymous said...

Or 2nd... I'll STILL see you Saturday.

Roille Figners said...

TOOP FIVE

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

top ten

The Ass Monkeys said...

Oh well, there always tomorrow

DB said...

Nice tits.

Bog Drafter said...

Snob, you're on fire today...

PBateman said...

top tein?

Anonymous said...

Scranus

Anonymous said...

I have to e-mail someone about this.

crosspalms said...

"He also makes that face every time "The Boys Are Back In Town" comes on the radio."

Perfect.

Marcel Da Chump said...

More Herbstrong or ima...

mikeweb said...

Ah, so Vaughters is the little man in the boat.

Mystery solved.

babble on said...

Doper Babbles reporting for duty...

PBateman said...

well done snobber. i can smell your anger all the way down here in florida. and it smells like kosher patrami on rye.

Old Man McGillicutty said...

Damn you kids........

babble on said...

Yes. Stupidity is definitely a form of impairment. Top form today, poppinsnobbers.

Re: Vaughters' boat: is it a pink canoe??!

Comment deleted said...

LeMond takes a big bong rip at a...table tennis convention? This world is getting very weird.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

WCR,

i recieved two books signed by you. one tells me to 'ride safe', thank you...

the other says, 'shave that beard off your face!'.

is that also a safety issue when bicycle cycling?

and if yes, should i shave my scranus, too?

please advise.

Old Man McGillicutty said...

Sorry, should have said, Dope you kids.

My name is Legion said...

I own five bikes, at least two of which are ridable at any given time, five helmnents, three pairs of bike-specific sunglasses, around ten sets of wheels, enough tools to shake a f###ing stick at, three "electronical position and speed recorders" and enough lycra to make Lady Gaga blush, BUT I keep at least one Stella refrigerator pack stocked at all times. So you see, I am not a dork. Not At All.

samh said...

Stop being such a fucking wussbag.

LINK BUST said...

Bad link: "a driver in the vicinity of Portland pulled off an "epic" drive in a bike lane:"

The Assman said...

Could I please get the cell number of the MILF holding the baby?

Abe Simpson said...

"So I tied an onion to my belt, as was the custom at the time...."

babble on said...

BOOOOOOOONG!! Taking the high road:
What's the dope on dope?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

EDGY POST
THAN KYOU

Buffalo Bill said...

Woo-hoo-hoo?

leroy said...

My dog insists it's a little known fact that Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was written about the nouveau douche anti-bike sharers in Brooklyn.

"With the lights out, it's less dangerous,
Here we are now entertain us.
I feel stupid and contagious.
Here we are now entertain us."

He later admitted that might not be a fact, but still insists it's little known.

He also wishes to point out that "entertain us" rhymes with "scranus" and the possibilities for a lyric update practically suggest themselves.

I told him not to deface Mr. Cobain's art.

After all, "I'm worse at what I do best and for this gift, I feel blessed."

Anonymous said...

Sweet, looks like Lance found a gig where drugs are not only allowed but encouraged.

Anonymous said...

Once Portland gets good bagels, good pizza, some minorities, and a bike share program, NYC will be rendered largely obsolete

Anonymous said...

let me get this straight, now Brookly hipsters are against diapers? Does this mean we have to start stepping over hipster baby shit when we visit brooklyn in addition to hipster dog shit. what in the name of god is going on in brooklyn!!!??? enough already, if you're that bored get a fucking job.

McFly said...

My Wreckless Behavior + Your BikeShare Sled = Good Times

Anonymous said...

As if losing 7 tour de france titles wasn't embarrassing enough, now Lance has to embarrass himself by "drumming" in an all-white reggae band? I just threw up in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

"I was wearing a scraper bike on my belt, which was the fashion in those days... You couldn't get crabon on account of the war".

3G said...

Totally serious...is that Sagan shirt real, or photoshopped? Perhaps I missed a Snob post where it was doctored.

ken e. said...

head cold = zero cleverness

Weird Al said...

Here we are now

We're Nirvana.

Sing distinctly

We don't wanna...

nscadu 9 said...

These crying Brooklynites remind me of the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville to get a heel for my shoe and I had an onion tied to my belt which was the appropriately landmarked style at the time and back then the ferry cost a nickel and nickels had bees on them, 5 bees for a quarter is what we used to say...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

wait...

I don't have to leave work, get on my bike, ride home, scamper to the poopatorium, pinch a loaf, pet my dog (yes, i washed my hands!), ride back to work....

...I can use the toilet here?

Chamois Juice said...

Sagan, be careful what you wish for. I hear that most of those European pussies are uncircumcised.

Roille Figners said...

Pissing between parked cars... isn't that for drunk chicks?

I dunno, I don't want to be one of those unhip fascist old-fashioned patriarchal oppressive capitalist assholes all the brave reformers in Brooklyn moved to Brooklyn to get away from (i.e. in their hometowns), BUT:

There are people out here who think modern sanitation is kind of handy, especially in close quarters like a big-ass city, and we tend to take pity on poor third-world countries where the gutter is an open sewer teeming with disease. Could you not let your baby piss in the goddamn street please?

leroy said...

Is it just me or does that diaper free infant photo from the Times give new meaning to the phrase "throwing the baby out with the bath water"?

Probably just me.

Michael Jackson said...

I remember the time....

when BSNYC was falling all over himself to brag about riding with Lance on the river road.

How the mighty have fallen

Bubbles the Chimp said...

FUCKTARD, stop biting ChamoisJuice's comentarding steez. Or at least spell it properly.

Anonymous said...

Cheryl Crow vs. Olsen Twin #2

I am gonna have to go with the Olsen twin. She must make your cock look HUGE! It's all about perspective!

Anonymous said...

Wow Snob, what kind of shitty city do you live in when kids are encouraged to act like hobos and drunks? The only time I like that "urine on the sidewalk" smell is when I'm cutting through the French Quarter after the douche bag tourists come in to town for "Mardeee Grass" not the doorway of the boutique artisan toy shop I'm trying to get past where moms in lululemon "yoga" pants are training their coddled toddlers to take a shit in the street. Glad I don't live in that great toilet they call Brooklan, Nu Yerk. Come to New Orleans...we'll treat you right.

Billy said...

Making a "douche smirk" while listening to Thin Lizzy is actually kind of fun. Hey, what's that smell? I think there's some cheese from lunch stuck to my lip...

Jimboner said...

Yee Haw! Thanks for the rant Snobby!
How did you know it was my birthday??

Temporary identity said...

I don't know how frequent they are, but here are my moronic question and comment (one of each):

• How can I use and talk about bike share without helping to give a certain serially failing, would-have-gone-bust-generations-ago-without-repeated-mammoth-public-bailouts financial conglomerate a lot of positive publicity in exchange for the pittance they are throwing at this thing?

• I do think the half-hour limit before surcharge is just a leeetle bit stingy, when I consider some likely trips I may make, which I don't think are any longer than the system should be accommodating of.

Spokey said...

wcrm is off base on this one.

They only give you a half hour with the bike before hitting you with overcharges, that's stupid.

CitiBike is expensive. Compare a $10 day pass to a subway per trip. It's 4 TIMES the cost of a subway trip even if you don't rack up surcharges. OK maybe more reasonable to assume a round trip. That's still double the price. And you will get overcharges unless you're going WOO-HOO speeds getting from wall street up to say the 50s.

And what's with crap about craps? Snob will be grateful for a minimum 45 minutes in Starbucks when he puts 3 or 4 more decades on his life. Why do you think AARP sends both a newsletter and a magazine?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Oops, I meant more Strongherb or ima...

Anonymous said...

Dr. Snobbington, I would like to draw your attention to the following: http://www.star-telegram.com/2013/04/22/4795144/fort-worth.html
Seems even hillbillies can get a bike-share working.


babble on said...

mmm strongherb

Anonymous said...

Now it cuts like a knife...



... but it feels so right!

Keep it up boss!

AnonyDoper said...

Anonymous at 1:00pm

New York is irrelevent. But please don't tell anyone still living there or they might move and wreck the civilized world.

Dooth said...

I can't believe how brash and insensitive that Sagan is!
Hasn't he heard of sexual algebra?
Where c= cock b= pussy d=another pussy e=scranus
(c+b) + (d+e) = awesome times

JH said...

Thanks for the appurtenant irreverence... i needed that.

le Correcteur said...

Snob, you've returned (had you left) to stunningly acerbic form! Congrats; I embarrassed myself by laughing out loud a ton of times! (And pardon that lame quantification; I'm sleep deprived right now).

Anonymous said...

O wow, that Reggie band vid was amazin. I didn't click on it the first time down, but HOLY CRAP is that the whitey-ist portland/austin buncha fuktards ever.

SNOW BUNY

Fritz said...

" stuipid dumb idiots"

wait a minute I thought they were all brilliants grains of a ginormous multicultural sand mandala?

Rachel said...

Those 'goofy' Bike and Roll bikes are actually really decent Trek hybrids.

Daniel said...

So, when did Betsy Andreu become a man?

...Betsy Andreu - the husband of one of Armstrong's former teammates Frankie Andreu..

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wilfried said...

Reminds me of visiting China back in the 70s, where there were toddlers running around everywhere in pants without crotches, and if they needed to go, they just squat and went. I get it, they spent a million dollars on a brownstone in Brooklyn so they can turn it into a commune during the Cultural Revolution.

jonathan said...

Vaughters on a boat recruiting Martin is a reverse-Jesus. "Come, and follow me ... right into this boat".

Unlike the fishers He dragged ashore to make his disciples.

Anonymous said...

wow. a lot of commentors who'd rather their kids shit themselves well into toddler years. having lived next to the sf zoo for years, i'll take kiddy pee in the street over what was often there... kiddy pee and a diaper.

wilfried: my chinese in-laws had their kids potty trained before 1. they lived in Palo Alto and were fully part of the vibrant explosion of tech capitalism going on there during the cultural revolution. crotchless kiddy pants weren't a maoist plot. what's (maybe?) funny about these brooklynites is the amount of hand-holding and back-patting they need for such simple tasks as holding their infant over a hole. but, really, extra years of crap-diaper is nothing to feel smug or superior about... unless you're really into baby shit.

JB said...

Considering the collection of mid-century modern furnishings, I'd be nuts if I allowed anyone without a curational interest to relive themselves in my Brownstone.

Public Service Announcement said...

http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/

Wilfried said...

I can't be entirely sure, (I was a child myself), but I think I saw crotchless kiddies in more rural parts of Taiwan in that period too (and seeing mommies holding babies over a hole whistling "wee wee" sounds), so I don't mean that they're a godless pinko Commie phenomenon. But in both places, as things like sanitation and indoor plumbing became more commonplace, they gave up on the the practice. I shouldn't be surprised that trendoid Brooklynites don't have as much sense. I bet they're against vaccinations too (my parents told me stories about small pox and polio).

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wilfried, don't even get them started about fluoridated water or pasteurized milk.

Anonymous said...

5,000 people have signed up for bikeshare.

In a city of 8,000,000+.

That's less than 1/10 of one percent.

So who are the entitled douchebags? The folks who don't want those damn things planted on their doorstep, or the self-righteous streetsbloggers who demand one on every corner?

Focus said...

Christ, you're...Sorry. Snob, you're a god damned genius. You're sucha genius, you're practically Wil-E-Coyote.

Every one of your dissemblances regarding the anti bike share excuses is comic-gold.

"exactly until YOU moved there"

Gold I say.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Nothing to add, except to wonder how the blurry google streetview address photos in the capcha got replaced by a second word. Wondering if we can skip typing the second word just like you could skip typing the address.

This particular captcha says "respecting dopmici, which those of us fluent in Italian translate as "respecting doping." Too good to let pass without comment.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 7:38 PM --

Golly, only 5,000 folks have signed up for a year long pass to use the bike share program in the first week the program is open and before any bikes are available?

Why yes, I can see how you might think that must mean no one will ever rent a bike share bike.

My dog asked me to advise you that "with the lights on, it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us."

As for me, I just hope you're not contagious.

leroy said...

Well Mr. Anon 7:38, now you've done it.

My dog won't stop singing altered Nirvana lyrics.

I've just heard:

"Hipster vegans
And Hasidim.
In Neuw Breuklyn
They just breed 'em."

Smells more like wet canine than teen spirit if you ask me.

I hope you're happy.

Vegas said...

Precision slicing with the FMC's, Snob. Wonderful.

wiwm, I think they put words back in the robot detection system because we kept typing "666" for all the numbers. Perhaps?

livingjetlag said...

In Boston, the tourists are heavy users of the bike share program. I don't really know why. Maybe they're easier to deal with than finding rental shops (expensive, though!) or maybe they are a more fun way to get from one cluster of tourist traps to another. Whatever the reason, they don't clog up the works than they do walking and stopping randomly and crossing against the lights like colorblind lemmings.

Anonymous said...

Funny stuff. I opened the citibikeshare map; that's a whole lotta stations.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

BikeSnobNYC,

I commend you on your further humorous blogging today.

Here is my favorite part:

"And what the fuck is up with Netflix?"

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Anonymous said...

Yeah! Tesco!!!

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ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robin Robertson said...

OK, I don't know you and I already love you (in that friend way, not a wierd way.) You make me laugh. And I learn stuff too. Thank you!

ce said...

In the land of the brownstoner you would be well advised to jump over any aberrant little chunks of "brown stone" you see in the street.

Meanwhile, in news of white stoners, Lance has officially jumped the Reefer Shark (like a Reef Shark but with a bigger appetite).

Don't you love it when people who know pretty much nothing about the doing of the drugs make jokes about getting "the munchies". I sure do, especially if I'm a little hepped up after smoking some mushrooms, or totally tripping all over the balls after an intrascranus dose of ecstacy. XTC is my favourite because: "The no-nonsense efficiency of a hardtail. The confidence of a 29er. Feel the flow on any XC trail."

Angie 2:41, your straight talking plain English is at first jarring to my ears, reverberating down here like a grinding gear change, but it is ultimately refreshing like an after dinner mint. Please, please can you tell me what the correct anatomical name for the scranus is? I've been a commentard long enough now that my memory of the real world is fading.

Actually... don't tell me. I feel safe in here, I don't want to go back out.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CE, the correct medical term for scranus is "gooch."

You're welcome.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

still...can't...spell...

Leroy,

Thank your dog for me. Now I have twisted Nirvana floating through my vacant brain. It's going to loop endlessly.

Clearly whatever anon 7:38 has going on is highly contagious. It has already infected millions.

CE - I KNOW, right?? Now where DID I put that LSD bong?

JB said...

perineum

JB said...

'taint

McFly said...

Unless my projected trajectory is askew and from my personal experience with toddler urination I do believe that young feller is going to piss all over the upper deck of the shitter.

6h057 said...

I love how "bike share stations are ruining the neighborhood" is the argument of people who have ruined these neighborhoods and in some cases in neighborhoods that were ruined before they even got there.

Mase said...

FYI -- for CitiBike one will have 45 minutes initially before the overage charges begin (most other cities, like DC, give just 30). I did read the FAQ.

Anonymous said...

Mr Douche-Smirk can't seem to remember which side of his car has the gas cap...

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the Blogger is an idiot if you ask me.

Anonymous said...

SLC now has bikeshare. one year subscribers ($75) get a bern helmet. select bike, adjust numerically graduated seat post,tap card (still in wallet) and remove bike. at destination roll bike into dock and walk away.
fredelishous...

Anonymous said...

Link to bikeshare video>>>>>>>
http://greenbikeslc.org/iframevideodemo.aspx

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Alphonse said...

This is cool!

Beenish Khan said...

Now you can get the bike of your choice on Free classifieds ads listing in Pakistan

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