Monday, September 24, 2012

A Way With Words: The Art of Nonsense

Do you live in or near Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, the Universe?  Do you like cheese for breakfast?  Do you cry uncontrollably on escalators?  Well, if you answered either "yes," "no," or "maybe" to any of those questions, then come on down to the following places at the following times, because things will happen:

By the way, you may have noticed in the fine print that my visit is apparently sponsored by Petro-Canada, purveyors of fine fossil fuels to the fine living fossils who inhabit America's coonskin cap.  I'd attempt to make an excuse and blame McMaster University for this, and say that it's their event, and blahblahblah, but the fact is I don't feel the need to bother.  This is because I have no integrity and am therefore more than happy to accept sponsorship from any person, company, or entity in a position to offer it.  That's what happens when you have seventeen children and a $2.5 million Brooklyn brownstone to support.  (I live on Spondee Court in the fashionable neighborhood of Clitoral Hill, around the corner from Martin Amis.)  And if it makes you feel better, you can rest assured I'll be wearing this t-shirt as I stuff my face with Tim Hortons donuts on the Petro-Canada private jet that will be flying me up to Hamilton:

So can anyone tell me what the deal is with the tar sands?  Are they cool?  Is there any good riding there?  Which tire tread hooks up best with bitumen?

Moving on, last week there was this thing called "The Interbike" in the Las Vegas section of Nevadee, and the only interesting bit of news to come out of it is that, as I learned from a reader, mountain biking guy Brian Lopes picked a Twitter feud with Mario Cipollini:

I'd say Cipollini won that one hands (and, presumably, face) down.

Speaking of Mario Cipollini, his film career is flourishing, for not only has he taken over as the star of the lucrative James Bond franchise, but he's also the star of this incredible promotional video for the 2013 UCI Road World Championships, which will be held in Tuscany:

A reader alerted me to this bravura performance, which opens with Cipo smelling the heady aroma of the Tuscan countryside, or himself--or, most likely, a mélange of the two:

But while Cipollini's acting alone makes this well worth watching, it's the narration that makes it a truly sublime cinematic experience, and if you're a lover of language as I am you'll savor the douche-chills as words words like this wash over you:

Life, which in Tuscany, is the art of feeling.  An eternal and inexhaustible vision of one's being, causing a confusion of time and identity.

And here's Cipo experiencing that confusion of time and identity:

Either that or he's urinating in his chamois, it's tough to be certain.

And while you may think that last line made sense, there's not a person alive who could milk a drop of sense out of this one:

Gymnastics of perception, to be shared through touch.  Physicality, with respect for memories crossed on the road of knowledge.

Apart from Cipo, of course, who rides the road of knowledge with a goofy grin on his face:

And who somehow manages to make even the mundane act of braking seem obscene:

(Cipollini feathers the controls lightly with two fingers.)

Throughout the film, Cipollini is in perfect synch with the narration.  For example, when the narrator says:

Knowing and hearing.

Cipo makes it clear that he both knows, and hears:

Actually, I thought he was having a "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" moment and imagining a bluebird on his shoulder as well:

Though any bird foolish enough to get close enough to that hair would end up looking like this:

(Brought to you by Petro-Canada)

Oh, here's something you might not have known about Tuscany:

Tuscan nature is a generous gift of words.  Rewarding the need, rebellious and inborn, to know.  A medal for the desire to share and multiply scenarios.

What does that even mean?  Perhaps this will clarify:

Talking horizons.  Whispering hills.  Inspiring and irresistible urge to pedal on and move the word.

Or perhaps not.  Really, it sounds like something Petrarch might have written after accidentally ingesting some hallucinogenic funghi.  By the way, I didn't know Petrarch had climbed Mont Ventoux until I looked him up on the Wicking Pedia:

Fucking doper.

Anyway, the only part of the video that made even the slightest bit of sense was this:

Though the moral of the story is apparently this:

I guess this video is supposed to get you excited about who will be riding, feeling, and smelling their way into a rainbow jersey in 2013, but it mostly just made me want to take a scalding hot shower.

You know who else is a doper?  Mitt Romney's campaign strategist, Stuart Stevens:

(Via the reader who submitted the Sicilian Cockpit.)

Who some years back took a bunch of drugs to ride in Paris-Brest-Paris, and who would still be on HGH today if it "weren't so expensive:"

For me, it would be a quality-of-life question, not a performance issue. If the HGH weren't so expensive, I'd probably continue with it, at least until I had a good reason not to, like some new evidence that it makes you grow extra ears. (The side effects of HGH are reportedly mild—one is fluid retention.) If nothing else, it helped my eyesight, and I had more energy. Lately, I've been reading studies about how endurance athletes suffer from low testosterone, which leads to early signs of osteoporosis, so I'm going to continue to monitor my levels and, if they drop too far, consider boosting them with the cream.

From this I guess we can infer that he's back on the HGH, since presumably he can afford it now, and large quantities of drugs would go a long way towards explaining Clint Eastwood talking to that empty chair.

Of course, all the HGH in the world isn't going to do you any good if you don't also have a set of hormonal dropouts (via yet another reader):

1960's shogun special
It's a thread less 1". It has a modified steere tube and has been shimmed 1 1/8 cannondale stem. The frame is clear coated (raw metal, rust)/ brown with select tubes in a seafoam. Campy headset. Fits 700c. Hormonal dropouts. Aluminum seat post. And downtube cable stop. Bike does not include bb cups!

And if you're wondering what "hormonal dropouts" look like, here's your answer:

I was excited to learn that apparently one of my own bikes has hormonal dropouts, which would explain why the adjustment screw is in a permanent state of arousal:

That explosion of light on the quick release lever qualifies this photograph as ART, and to order a print of this image for only $74.99 just click here.

And lastly, on the subject of art, here is yet another inspiring submission to the Second Biennial Cock-Off, sponsored by Knog:

Says the contestant:

Taken from this angle because he is naked (WNBR, 2012, Portland, hello), and blue, but the key elements of this impressive array are visible.  The item on top stage right of the cockpit may be a deer whistle.  

He was handing out the shell necklaces from around his neck to all the ladies, telling them they had, via his bestowing, "been lei'ed."  He was my very special friend for about 10 minutes, until he got distracted.  I believe he goes by "Ragnar."

Now I need another shower.


Serial Retrogrouch said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


theEel said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


McFly said...

Mario Monday. Nice.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Toppus tennus!

ringcycles said...

having your way with words again? Isn't that just foffing off in the library?

Paul Bowen said...

Top 10?

Anonymous said...

1st to 11th!

babble on said...

Fofinov in the library is a good thing... :)

leroy said...

Well honestly, who doesn't like cheese for breakfast?

HGHincapie said...

But I'm such 'nice guy'!!!

Tugboat RIP

McFly said...

There are no apartments for rent in Tuscany.

Anonymous said...

Top XX, and even read it.

g said...

Papa Smurf has really let himself go.

crosspalms said...

You use the hormonal dropouts when you ride to smell. I think Sheldon Brown said that once.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

feel your bike, mover your passion? are the toscans asking us to do to our bikes what cipo does to his bikes?

singlespeedwaster said...

post-funk wizz!Woo-hoohoo!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

@Anon 1:13,
unless you can prove i was on funghi for the sprint, you can't claim 1st.

Anonymous said...

seriously, you get paid for this crap?

babble on said...

Yer just jealous..

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I ride my recumbent bike on the road of knowledge.

Anonymous said...

I sthat one of those in-bred blue people from Kentucky?

Maybe I should go back and read it...


a sad uninusered engine said...

Possible side effects of HGH use include:

nerve, muscle, or joint pain
swelling due to fluid in the body's tissues (edema)
carpal tunnel syndrome
numbness and tingling of the skin
high cholesterol levels
HGH can also increase the risk of diabetes and contribute the growth of cancerous tumors.

It is good to be a king maker, doesn't seem he spent as much time "vetting" his hgh or ryan

Why is he afraid of the interweb?

Going to go to the emergency oom to get my HGH tonight.

leroy said...

If the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom, does Tuscany smell like teen spirit?

Anon 1:33 -- You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. Here we are now entertain us.

Buffalo Bill said...

Some pretty disgusting material today. I guess thinking about going to Hamilton would lower your eew factor a bit.

Anyway the terrain around Ft McMoney is pretty sandy - a little hard on the chain. Roads are shite, lots of muskeg, armadas of mosquitoes - all in all better than Hamilton I guess.

Anonymous said...

Re: Cipo and smelling
My guess is someone used "google translator" or "babelfish" or some such to turn the Italian video commentary into equally incomprehensible English.

Ever read those instruction manuals 'translated' from the Japanese?

mikeweb said...

On the long ride over the weekend I learned that I won't be having leroy's dog do any adjustments to my shifters, and leave that to the experts.

Hopefully that wayward cable was replaced without too much trouble, leroy.

Anonymous said...

Steevil could help you out with your photoshop skilz, that bluebird kinda might need a little more work to be art.

I wish I was an artist, cuz I would blend the fully extended dropout hormone image with the classic "crotchal splendor" from awhile back.


Hungry Panda said...

Hoser, up here in the bald spot of Americas cranium, Petro canada sponsors everything, you might feel special, but the reality is that everything gets a Petro Canada logo, no matter how droll or inconsequential.

babble on said...

Dear Wildcat,

The tar sands are the best thing ever to happen to the United State of Canada... they turn wildlife, geologists, and cyclists alike into mutards like me...

Plus, they add colour, flavour and texture to our far too clean, clear, and boring, water supplies, though not nearly as effectively as the fracking you guys are getting up to down there. But whatever... anything goes when it comes to satiating our addiction to fossil fuels.

I'm pretty sure we could rid the world of the need for petroleum products if only someone would invent a cipollini-hot-air-fueled car, because he's clearly full of it. No one can eat pussy properly and tweet at the same time.

Anonymous said...

you're about to have this forwarded to you a million times:

whispering hills and talking horizons said...

Dear babble on,

Interesting observation re: the Cip. But could you please elaborate further on this subject of properly eating pussy?... BTW, I just visited your blog;-0

Spokey said...

astounded that wildcat missed the most impressive part of that film @3:21

and pave the way to the sun. The sun, reflections

while showing eye burning reflections from that cranial sheen

Marcel Da Chump said...

Smelly, passionate laughs today.

leroy said...

Mikeweb --

Now that you mention it, I should have asked my dog why he was using wire cutters to adjust my cables the night before.

In the future, I'm taking my bike to the mechanic who was working the Saddle River rest area. I would shamelessly endorse him here, but his website doesn't seem to be up and running. (Nomad Bike Works in Queens.)

Getting back to the mechanic added 14 miles to the ride. (Funny how you only miss a turn and go up an unnecessary hill when you're stuck in the small cog.)

Flatting near Tomkins Cove added a few more minutes.

But I rode and chatted with the sweep marshal for a bit who was very cool, took a few stragglers on a shortcut between the Rockland Lake and Piermont stops and got back on track to finish with only a little more than a hundred miles.

I got back in time for the sandwiches and gelato.

I was also in time to get caught in a little sun shower on the Brooklyn Bridge on the way home.

All in all, pretty near a perfect day. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

The longest pace line I led all day was at the portable toilets. And of course, that's the one place you don't want to draft.

Hope your ride was good.

Brer Rabbit said...

Meanwhile out in Colorado some neanderthal in a giant tar sands guzzling SUV terrorizes cyclists with his horn and it gets captured on video.

JohnBob said...

You have plenty of integrity, with the emphasis on GRIT. Being from New York, you're probably as gritty as tar sands. Are you as oily? Maybe you could be PetroCanada's "Spokes"man.

The real irony is that Petro-Canada would sponsor you, even indirectly, when there is a better-than-even chance you will ridicule them at the event. After all you've already ridiculed them in today's edition.

Tom said...

When I was a child I carried this torch thingy as part of this other thingy called "the Olympus" or something. Petro Canada was the sponsor that year. They made me hold their "sharing flame" at a big government building in front of many, many people. It turned out that a bunch of those people were Cree and pissed off about the oil thing, of which I knew nothing, being an 8 year old. Then some guy from Alberta named Ralph Klein put a cowboy hat on my head, which I thought was ok; he took it back when no one was looking, and that was less cool.

As an adult I became a cyclist and I never understood why before. It is only just now that I have come to suspect it is because of the oil industry. They used me, bikesnob. Used me good. Stole my childhood, maybe even. And maybe i'm just trying to get it back by bicycle-cycling, or something. Or maybe I'm trying to find that lost cowboy hat of youth while outrunning the oil smell. I don't know for sure, but I do know that it was only through this strange confluence on your blogging page was I finally able to discover the origin of my pathology. Perhaps someday I shall overcome it. I owe you a debt of gratitude and loyalty.

Many thanks!

I am a bored engine said...

Apparently maureen dowd has weighed in on this also. Oh happiness

Big Charlie said...

And this

grog said...

Recumbabe would sure look good in orange socks and a black witches hat.

CommieCanuck said...

On the tar sands...
Basically, we have a limitless supply of tar. The entire country will be paved by 2016.
There are rumours the toxic water from the mining will cause mental retardation, but they're having a tough time finding the control population in Alberta: Canada's Texas, owned by Chinese.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Tar sands are radioactive too, soon all of the Canadian male population will look like Cipo.

Anonymous said...

I ride I smell I like hallucinogens.
Fuck it, I'm moving to Toscanal.

CommieCanuck said...

One use of tar is for the formulation of Tim Horton's "coffee".

It's brown, wet and hot like coffee, but only palpable when diluted with cream and sugar in the iconic "double-double" after taste buds have been numbed with grease.

Anonymous said...


I am telling everyone I know in Hamilton to come to one or all of your thingees.

Tamecat Cream Machine
aka tuff wheel iiz!
aka storm queen

Anonymous said...

PS: I know up to 2 people in Hamilton.

Also, Hamilton is a former steel town, maybe you can make some steel <> crabon jokes?

Tamecat Clint Emptychair

frilly said...

Happy now Grouch?

Leroy I had probably my most embarrassing moment ever on the bike Saturday. I coulda used your guy big time.

I wasn't hurt. There were no crashes, just one big, ginormous blonde moment that I thank Lob it was just my buddy & me out there.

babble on said...

Dear Whispering Hills and Talking Horizons,

Since you've had a gander, you know I'm happy to babble on about pretty much anything, including ways to make the kitty purrrrr.

What would you like to know?

g-roc said...

...uh...I got nuthin'.

babble on said...

Dear Frilly,

It's so good to know I'm not the only one who has a great big inner blonde constantly clamoring to get out.

What happened? Please... do tell.


Billy said...

Hurr hurr, the narrator in that video with Cipo said "purLOINed".

Vegas said...

Ummm, didn't today's Cockie Contestant completely miss the best submission *EVAR* by not taking advantage of the opportunity to photograph possibly the world's only crazy cockpit that could have also literally had a crazy cock in it??? And then has the audacity to proclaim that "the key elements of this impressive array are visible"??? For shame.

rocky said...

Did I win?

ken e. said...

you people are funny. funny smelling!

Anonymous said...

Cipollini near Hamilton next weekend

Hey Snob, are you joining Cipollini for a wine ride near Hamilton on 30 Sept?

Mark Horner said...

Is it just me, or does Cipo look more and more like a Mafia capo as he gets older? He'll stop being sexy soon, and just be bad-taste sleazy. Well, more so.

McFly said...

Hey you stole my kittay purrin' line. Das kewl. Stroke it like a boss a watch that back arch. PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anonymous said...

The tar litteraly oozes out of the ground at the tar sands. And right into the water. The tar sands have been polluting the poor indians for millenia. That explains a lot.

101 Dalmatians said...

Perfect, combining a group ride with alcohol. What could possibily go wrong with that?

Dooth said...

Cipo was a cock to that twit.

JB said...

I'll bet a tin of bear grease pomade that Cipo drops the group on the first ascent and is never seen again. 20 minutes later a black helicopter is seen leaving the area.

babble on said...

"Life, which in Tuscany, is the art of feeling. An eternal and inexhaustible vision of one's being, causing a confusion of time and identity."

Isn't that Alzheimers?

Anonymous said...


Or a black speedboat

Anonymous said...

Most discturbing from that video is that Cipo is running Shimano.

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john mart said...

I ride my recumbent bike on the road of knowledge.
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obat kencing nanah yang murah dan manjur
obat kencing nanah yang murah dan manjur
cara mengobati penyakit kencing nanah
harga obat gonore
obat gonore yang terbuat dari bahan alami
obat gonore herbal yang marah dan manjur
obat kencing nanah herbal yang murah dan manjur
obat gonore herbal yang sudah terbukti ampuh
obat kencing nanah ampuh
obat kencing nanah ampuh dan murah
obat kencing nanah kaskus
obat kencing nanah di apotik herbal
obat kencing nanah tradisional
obat kencing nanah dari dokter
obat kencing nanah di jual di apotik
obat kencing nanah di sarankan dokter
jenis obat kencing nanah
apotik jual obat kencing nanah
obat kencing keluar nanah
obat untuk kencing keluar nanah
obat kampung kencing nanah
obat herbal gonore atau kencing nanah
cara mengobati gonore dengan obat herbal
cara mengobati kencing nanah dengan obat alami
obat kencing nanah herbal manjur

herbal isme said...

obat kencing keluar nanah
obat untuk kencing keluar nanah
obat kampung kencing nanah
obat herbal gonore atau kencing nanah
cara mengobati gonore dengan obat herbal
cara mengobati kencing nanah dengan obat alami
obat kencing nanah herbal manjur

herbal isme said...

obat kutil di pantat
obat kutil di sekitar kelamin
obat kutil di selangkangan
cara mengaobti kutil di bokong
obat kutil di sekitar anus

Joko Bodo said...

cara menghilangkan kutil kelamin secara alami
cara menghilangkan kutil kelamin dengan bahan alami
cara menghilangkan kutil kelamin secara tradisional
cara menghilangkan kutil kelamin dengan bawang putih
cara menghilangkan kutil kelamin pada wanita
obat kutil kelamin di apotik
obat tradisional kutil kelamin pria
cara alami menghilangkan kutil kecil di wajah
kulit pisang obat kutil kelamin
kapur sirih untuk obat kutil kelamin
obat kutil kelamin medis
obat medis untuk kutil kelamin
merek obat kutil kelamin

Joko Bodo said...

obat herbal untuk gonore
obat kencing nanah di bogor
buah obat kencing nanah
jual obat kencing nanah di bandung
obat tradisional buat kencing nanah
obat kencing nanah dari apotik
obat kencing nanah wanita
obat kencing nanah pria di apotik
obat kencing nanah yang manjur
obat kencing nanah yogyakarta
obat kencing nanah de nature
obat kencing nanah akut

Bambang Wisanggeni said...

apa obat untuk menghilangkan kutil
obat ampuh untuk menghilangkan kutil
tanaman obat untuk menghilangkan kutil
obat untuk menghilangkan penyakit kutil
obat manjur untuk menghilangkan kutil dan tahi lalat
obat apotik untuk menghilangkan kutil
obat menghilangkan kutil alami
obat untuk menghilangkan kutil di kulit
obat tradisional untuk menghilangkan kutil di wajah
obat alami untuk menghilangkan kutil di wajah
obat menghilangkan kutil di penis
obat menghilangkan kutil di telapak kaki
obat menghilangkan kutil dan tahi lalat
obat menghilangkan kutil di muka
obat menghilangkan kutil dan mata ikan
obat menghilangkan kutil pada kulit
obat menghilangkan penyakit kutil
obat tradisional menghilangkan kutil pada kulit

plank edward said...

obat penyakit kencing nanah pada pria
obat penyakit kencing nanah tradisional
obat penyakit kencing nanah yang dijual diapotik
obat kencing keluar nanah di apotik
pengobatan kencing nanah secara alami
obat kencing nanah buatan sendiri
cara mengatasi kencing nanah secara alami
cara mencegah penyakit kencing nanah
cara mencegah penyakit gonore (kencing nanah)

kartu esia said...

apa nama obat untuk raja singa
obat herbal untuk raja singa
obat apa yang paling manjur untuk mengobati kutil di kemaluan
obat tradisional yang manjur untuk penyakit sipilis
obat kutil kelamin alami
obat herbal alami untuk kutil di kemaluan
Obat kutil kelamin tradisional yang ampuh
Obat kutil kelamin tradisional yang manjur
Obat Kanker Payudara Alternatif

tyler durden said...

Di Sekitar Penis Tumbuh Kutil ? Obatnya Apa ?
Berbahayakah Kutil Kelamin
Penyebab Kutil Kelamin Condyloma Acuminata
Tanda-Tanda Kutil Kelamin Condyloma Acuminata
Obat Kutil di Batang Zakar
Obat Kutil Di Kemaluan Wanita | Penyakit Kelamin Wanita
Obat Penghilang Kutil Kelamin
Tanda-Tanda Kutil Kelamin Condyloma Acuminata Di Bibir Vagina
obat jengger ayam untuk wanita
Kutil Di Alat Kelamin Serta Cara Menghilangkanya
Obat Kutil Kelamin Tradisional
Obat Kutil Pada Memek | Cara Menyembuhkan Kutil Pada Kemaluan Wanita
Penyembuhan Kutil Di Bibir Vagina | Penyakit Kelamin Kutil
Penyebab Kutil Kelamin dan Cara Penyembuhanya
obat jengger ayam untuk wanita
January 26, 2015 at 7:32 PM
Kutil Di Alat Kelamin Serta Cara Menghilangkanya

Andi Gunawan said...

obat herbal kencing nanah pada pria
obat herbal kencing nanah
obat tradisional kencing nanah
obat alami kencing nanah
obat alami kencing nanah pada pria
obat herbal untuk kencing nanah
obat herbal buat kencing nanah
apa obat herbal kencing nanah
obat herbal mengatasi kencing nanah
obat herbal kencing nanah di apotik

obat herbal denature said...

obat tradisional buat sipilis
obat herbal buat sipilis
obat dokter buat sipilis
obat generik buat sipilis
obat cina buat sipilis
obat sipilis yang bagus
obat sipilis di batam

Gantungan kunci Akrilik said...

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buat gantungan kunci_24
pesan gantungan kunci akrilik partai
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Gantungan kunci Hotel said...

pesan gantungan kunci akrilik
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Gantungan kunci pusat pesan souvenir said...

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kulakan gantungan kunci akrilik murah
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Gantungan kunci Anime said...

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blognya fariz said...