Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Sticky Situations: Meet The New Bond, Same As The Old Bond (But A Lot More Oily)

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
by Wildcat Rock Machine, age 6


Last week I had a summer vacation.  It wasn't really a vacation because I don't work.  Still I took a vacation anyway.  One of the things I did on my vacation was ride bikes for no reason.  Riding bikes doesn't count if you don't use a computer and tell everybody about it.  So if you want to learn more about my biking rides please visit my Strava account.  The end.

Also, as I become increasingly old I also find myself becoming increasingly disinterested in looking at pictures of special bike parts and then buying them.  In fact, there are only about two Internet "webbing sites" that ever make me want a special bike part, and one of them is All Hail the Black Market.  (The other site isn't even about bikes, it's actually about macrame, but it does make me want to put macrame on my bikes.)  

One day, I was reading All Hail the Black Market and the guy who writes it was talking about some tires.  What he said about them made me want them, so I ordered some and put them on my traveling bike:


(What you're mistaking for bad photography is actually called "sun-mottled.")

Sadly, I don't have ready access to the sorts of mixed-terrain bicycling adventures that the AHTBM guy does, and even if I did I'd fall down and hurt myself almost immediately.  Nonetheless, I did take my travel bike with my new fat tires on it to some local mountain bike trails and had myself a very enjoyable time:


(Someone on Twitter said that my valve stem was too long, which made me feel sad for them.)

Also, at another point during my summer vacation I took my hands off the handlebars while riding, which is something that very few people are able to do:


(Don't worry, I'm actually not doing that here, I'd never attempt to use a camera and ride at the same time.  Instead I placed the bike on a home trainer and took the photo in an attempt to recreate the stunt.)

Never, ever take your hands off the handlebars, or you will die.

But recreation isn't just about bicycle cycling.  It's also about going to the movies, and of course this past weekend marked the end of the summer blockbuster season.  As such, I resolved to see a summer blockbuster myself, and as it happens there was one playing that was all about bikes.   No, I'm not talking about "Perineum Rash" starring that Jennifer Jason-Leigh kid.  I'm talking about "Cipollini Bond--The Movie" starring Mario "Hep B" Cipollini:



At first I thought "Cipollini Bond" was some kind of new denture adhesive made from the Lion King's various and sundry viscous secretions, but in fact it's a promotional video for his new racing bike.  The word "tour de force" gets bandied about all too easily these days, but you can rest assured it will never, ever be used to describe a Mario Cipollini film.  In fact, "tour de force" is to "Cipollini Bond--The Movie" as "Tour de France" is to the "USA Pro Cycling Challenge."  "Cipollini Bond--The Movie" is also filmed entirely on location inside of Mario Cipollini's gigantic ego, and in this cinematic romp Cipo proves once and for all that he is the Tom Danielson of James Bond actors.

The film opens with some villain who may or may not be Mario Cipollini with his hair cleansed of styling products:


He speaks a guttural language and has Asian henchman, which means he probably represents any number of Belgian bike companies who have their products made for them in Taiwan.

Then, we meet the Cipollini Bond:


Note that his enemies have "Little Mario" right in the crosshairs.

We also meet Cipollini Bond's love interest, who may or may not be Cipollini in a wig:


If Cipollini is indeed playing all three roles, then surely you have to go all the way back to Eddie Murphy in "Norbit" to find such ambitious cinematic multitasking.

Like any movie, "Cipollini Bond--The Movie" contains symbolism, but unlike most movies every single symbol represents Mario Cipollini's penis.  For example, here's Cipollini Bond examining the label on his penis:


("That's a fine vintage.")

And here's Cipollini Bond cooling his penis in a bucket of ice:


Naturally, Cipollini Bond is suave and well-versed in the twin arts of conversation and seduction:


("The sparkling wine we're drinking came from inside my penis.")

But just as he's about to lead out Little Mario for the final sprint, Cipollini Bond gets an urgent message on his tablet:


("A new photo set has been posted to 'Japanese Girls With Big Shoes!'")

So he leaps into his helicopter and slips on his headset--which, due to his oily skin and oilier hair, immediately pops right off again like a banana clip off of an ice sphere:


Fortunately, after coating himself with sawdust he finally gets the headset to remain in place, just as Dr. BadTeeth blows up the Cipollini Bond secret sex compound:


By the way, most actors would fall back on a stuntman, but Mario Cipollini does all his own flying:


We know this because the helicopter spends an hour and a half crying in the shower afterwards.

Next, Cipollini Bond dons his dinner jacket:


And further runs up the film's vehicle rental budget by getting into a Porsche:


Which he drives to some jewelry store:


Where a woman hands him the "secret:"


The "secret," evidently, is the answer to the riddle, "What's long, hard, and made of crabon?"

After obtaining the secret, Cipollini Bond spends a little time fondling his Cipollini in the dark:


And then bursts into the daylight dressed like an unctuously-coiffed sperm:


So Dr. BadTeeth dispenses his henchmen:


But sending motorcycles after a Cipollini bicycle is like sending a canary to a cockfight, and Cipollini Bond rides through traffic in a way that makes Gordon Joseph-Levine in "Premium Rush" look like Sean Connery in "Finding Forrester:"


Naturally, the motorcyclists get stuck in traffic that even the Beautiful Godzilla on the cellphone is able to clear:


While Cipollini narrowly avoids getting hit by a bus (assuming you consider 20 feet to be "narrow"):


By the time Cipollini Bond gets to the speedboat (obviously there was going to be a speedboat), he's powering the bicycle entirely with his crotch:


Then Cipollini Bond makes a deft transition:


Powers away:


And successfully captains the speedboat with one hand while fondling his accomplice with the other:


Meanwhile, the motorcyclists make the universal signal for "drat!"


Safe in international waters, the accomplice resumes tanning:


While Cipollini Bond finds a nice spot to drop anchor:


And then they start swabbing the deck:


Obviously, after a movie this powerful you stick around to read the credits, and while I was impressed by the acting of both Mansoure and Mustafa:


The real revelation here was director Max Barbot:


Who manages to hit the cinematic "sweet spot" between hip-hop music video and all-out porn, and whose directorial style is almost as "maniacal" as the Italian craftsmen who make the Cipollini bikes:


If you need me, I'll be crying in the shower.

105 comments:

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

First?

frilly said...

RUMP BUMP

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

IMDABES!!!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

ding dong!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Paul Bowen said...

Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

shut up fingers!

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ayhsmb 4th

Anonymous said...

Shwing!

Anonymous said...

I mean 9th!

theEel said...

weed.

McFly said...

13 comments BOOM! (roasted)

thegock said...

GRAN FNDO

leroy said...

Is it just me or does Cipo Bond seem stirred, not shaken?

OBA said...

You're the man now, dog!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

you didn't even say 'spoiler alert'... now you had to go and ruin a classic movie before we even saw it.

if you try to console me, i'll be in the shower, crying.

mikeweb said...

Sorry, my motor boat ran out of oil.

Anonymous said...

Poopium!

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford does not take vacations.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

I have a valve stem in my panties! Yes, they are inflatable!

Buffalo Bill said...

Eager bunch sprint today, must be some racers missing their dose of rockmachine.

DerZoots said...

I forgot all about Steve Tilford after his Vaughters bitch fest. I liked him better when he was stitching up cat wounds.

Fin

Serial Retrogrouch said...

going to watch for the third time in a row. did you notice that cipo-bond does not need a helment at any time during the adventure? his magic is in his hair. in his pants is only his brain.

Anonymous said...

I lost my canary in a cockfight last week.

Blinded again by long odds and the thrill of a possible upset.

Anonymous said...

Sprinters are duders.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

"And successfully captains the speedboat with one hand while fondling his accomplice with the other:"

And by "his accomplice" I presume you mean "Little Mario".

McFly said...

FapMyRide

hahahahahahaha get it?

CommieCanuck said...

I wonder if the Cipo love interest is also named Alotta Fagina?

PSSY GALR

What? No comments on Tyler "Mr. Integrity" Hamilton's new tell-all book in which he documents Lance eating an entire case of Flintstones vitamins before the TDF time trial?

Keep an eye out for my new book about gullibility of sports fans who contribute to legal defence funds. Yes, it is libellous at times, but I plan to set up a legal defence fund, so I'm ok.

Anonymous said...

so you weren't at burning man?

CommieCanuck said...

McFly,
If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.

Anonymous said...

That's possibly the most exquisite bar-wrap job I have ever laid my eyes upon. I may need your services on weednesday.

Anonymous said...

ol B Gordon makes surreal retro grouch G Peterson looka lika 16 yr old mtn biker. not short on opinions is what I'm sayin.

COOL TIRE

JB said...

Hot Italian women < recumbabe

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Deft transition back into the daily blog.

Nice gumwalls, if you find your self doing some time traveling you'll fit right in in 1983.

Anonymous said...

"Also, at another point during my summer vacation I took my hands off the handlebars while riding, which is something that very few people are able to do"

In Levi's town, Santa Rosa, Crazy Harry will, alledgely, run you over for doing that:

http://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/20120817/ARTICLES/120819561?p=2&tc=pg

Marcel Da Chump said...

Valve stem envy.

Red necked Sh*t kick'in Cipo said...

Silicone titties ...

Nascar ...

Beer ...

Reconstructive pussy surgery ...

Nascar ...

Beer ...

Pootie Tang!

Anonymous said...

Mario is the new Arnold. After his fling with acting in cheesy movies, it will be time for the serious Mario to emerge, and he will enter the political arena.



grog said...

Took the bus today.
WLCM BACK

JB said...

Prime Minister Cipollini...seems about right. Mario's probably tamer than Burlesconi.

Krac'kha Cipo said...

One more thang ...

Simultaneous combination Labor Day Demolition Derby and Monster Truck Rally ...

The Total Awesomeness of AWESOME!

YYEEEE-HAAAHHH!!!!

CommieCanuck said...

Also, at another point during my summer vacation I took my hands off the handlebars while riding...

In Toronto, this alone is enough justification for Rob Ford to kill you.

RBBA HUTT

Lloyd Flandis said...

I cannot find me penis? Where did it go?

Oil E. Bond said...

My pants yabbies are having a Fully Reactive Sensation RIGHT NOW, oh yah, you betcha!

Cipo said...

"unctuously-coiffed sperm"

ewww...

I lol'd.

and ate some pussy.

Billy said...

Read your post while in the shower, crying, after I sold my car today.

Anonymous said...

GUMW ALLS

frilly said...

Pipped at the line. Too much weekend, perhaps.

McFly said...

Nice try Frill, maybe the murial panties we're slowing you down by .00000002 seconds. They disrupt the aero flow over the back. It's science.

ervgopwr said...

CIPO BOND

MRIO PNIS

GOOD FILM

Summer is over, but the snark never goes out of season. Good stuff.

frilly said...

Maybe I need to push that chick overboard & roll around a bit with Cipo. Lube that lace!

babble on said...

You used the word penis, you said they were making out, but no-where, no-how,not once was there a nipple to be seen anywhere.

It's good to have you back, your snobbiness. Thanks for the stimulating post. Um...more nipples please.

sickriffage said...

Really? The new bond car is a base model Cayman with a half finished paint job?

CommieCanuck said...

MORE NPPL

&Bike said...

We like Cipollini in Europe. He's got style, and panache and doesn't wear those funny golf style shoes without the spikes.

Oh, and how did you get the valve so well lined up with the tyre (sic) logo?

Anonymous said...

The good news is, watching THIS Mario video is quite acceptable, Snobbiekins, as it did not increase your number, despite the fact that you may, again, need penicillin.

Anonymous said...

Cipo totally stole the speedboat scene from Louie CK

mikeweb said...

I think I have a new favorite blog.

NIPP SHOT

XXX said...

OctaPenis in 3D

Anonymous said...

That nipple close-up takes all the mystery out of it. Wait, what's this? Oh it's just a boner.

McFly said...

TITT YCAM

DADY LIKE

Friendo said...

PINK NIPL
GIDD YUP!

Anonymous said...

First!!

Anonymous said...

After reading this post I have to conclude that you are still on vacation.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of nipples, spent some time at the nude beach this weekend. A mother brought her baby. Mom exposed her bare breasts to sun and stranger, then covered up to breastfeed the baby. Just struck me as strange.

wishiwasmerckx said...

And speaking of nude sunbathing, the accomplice did not resume tanning because she is Italian and still has her top on. My guess would be that she is rubbing teak oil on the deck.

Poppa Wheelie said...

watching Cipo makes feel even worse about all the chocolate chip cookies I just ate.

McFly said...

I am just glad he eased out of his cycling shoes as he approached the go-fast boat. I do not care how hot of a stud muffin you are, when you start waddling around on your look cleats on a wet dock it's a total deal-breaker for Gabriella Franchesca Blah Blah RiccoBattini Whateverhernameis.

Anonymous said...

For the last time, it's Gamera, dammit, not Godzilla.

babble on said...

Frilly... Sweet Cheeks? Please do.

Take photos.

Cipo said...

Valve stem too long Snob? Welcome to the club.

Cipo said...

Valve stem too long Snob? Welcome to the club.

Stuart said...

Dr. BadTeeth is speaking German. This means it is possible for him to be Belgian because many German speakers do live in Belgium.

I hate to get English teacher on you, but you should try to use "disinterested" and "uninterested/ not interested" properly. Uninterested is the word you use when you could care less about something: "I am uninterested in Japanese girls with big shoes." Disinterested means you have no stake in the outcome of something: Don't ask Cipollini how big his penis is. He is not a disinterested party."

Stuart said...

Oh, I forgot. Aren't you going to make some kind of comment on Lance Armstrong's total capitulation?

Dooth said...

Cipollini Bond is said to be stickier than Krazy Glue...ewww!!!

Anonymous said...

Of course he's not going to make fun of Lance's doping suspension. Lance is his biggest fan!

Jed said...

"the sparkling wine is from inside my penis"
Cipo has raced in the Champagne region, making it perfectly acceptable to call his golden nectar "Champagne".
Just like when Chuck Norris eats rice paper and poops origami swans. Cipo is Italy's low budget answer to Chuck Norris.

Jed said...

"the sparkling wine is from inside my penis"
Cipo has raced in the Champagne region, making it perfectly acceptable to call his golden nectar "Champagne".
Just like when Chuck Norris eats rice paper and poops origami swans. Cipo is Italy's low budget answer to Chuck Norris.

Jed said...

Chuck Norris never hits "publish" twice. Cipo does it for him.

Daphne said...

REviewed your book http://daphne.ph/bike-snob

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Anonymous said...

@anominiss 1:44,
carazee shid. golf course rundown. wtf

@Cipo 10:04,
POTD

Anonymous said...

WCRM-
dassa pretty sweet stack of poker chips you got there gettin that stem way up

MyHeadHurts said...

From the land of helment laws. If you dare ride on the road you are vilified on national TV by dumb sanctimonious fuckwits http://aca.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8524906 and one of the candidates for mayor of the biggest city puts Rob Fords to shame http://www.livingsydney.org.au/independent-team/bike-and-rider-registration. It's cycling hell on earth.

Anonymous said...

Stuart --

While we are busy correcting people, I think you mean "...couldn't care less."

Silly Syllogisms said...

I could care less about whether I couldn't care less, but no, upon reflection, I really couldn't care less.

McFly said...

Stuart,
I am "uninterested/disinterested" in your grammar critique because nipple.

P. Stable said...

I can't believe Snob managed to get through a whole post without highlighting the wonder that is a crazy Danish guy's Team Sky tattoo:

http://twitter.com/TeamSky/status/242579056019795968/photo/1

ce said...

I thought perhaps I should buy one of your books to cover for this most recent period of abscondment. But now your back, so scratch that.

ce said...

""Cipollini Bond--The Movie" is also filmed entirely on location inside of Mario Cipollini's gigantic ego"

Nope, definitely no need to pay money for books.

Anonymous said...

Riding bikes doesn't count if you don't use a computer and tell everybody about it.



You JUST used a computer to tell everyone about it.

Iron Orr said...

Hey Anon 9:33,
you just discovered irony!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that there isn't one comment about longitudinal stiffness and/or vertical compliance in your review of the movie or its boating finale.

Conrad said...

Are you aware of the Street Strider? I just saw an ad for it. It's basically an Elliptigo, but a tricycle.

http://www.streetstrider.com/

Anonymous said...

why does bond guy have a drawing tube? oh! he's an architect! Thing is that most architects really look like this:

http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/working/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/David-Weiser-Architect-Job-Profile1.jpg

and ride bromptons.

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Anonymous said...

I just need to know what was Mustafa's role.

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DESIRE RIVIERA said...

I've not really updated this blog much over the past year, so I feel it's time to finally retire from this format. I'm certainly not going away, just away .
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Alex Smith said...

It is libellous at times, but I plan to set up a legal defence fund.
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Myacandheat said...

Panache and doesn't wear those funny golf style shoes without the spikes.
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