Friday, July 20, 2012

BSNYC Friday Cheese Sampler!

Firstly, here is your Tour de France Spoiler of the Day, which reveals the leaders in the three major jersey competitions:




Come on, those donkeys are wearing jerseys, that's HILARIOUS!

As always, the Tour de France Spoiler of the Day was brought to you by Specialized:

Remember, the McLaren Venge is still only $18,000:


Or, for the delusional amateur on a budget, there's always the $9,200 version, now available in Seizure Red:


It's right at the UCI weight limit, but it's hors catégorie on the ugly scale.

Secondly, a reader tells me that the New York Times is reporting on the increasing number of cyclists who wear cameras so they have evidence against drivers in the event of collisions:


I was simultaneously thrilled by Evan Wilder's "gotcha" moment in the accompanying video and dismayed that it's come to this.  It's sad that as cyclists the burden of proof is always on us despite our vulnerability.  Sure, it would be nice to be able to ride around without a camera strapped to your head, but at this rate it's only a matter of time before nobody will take you seriously unless you're wearing a helment, full body armor, and cameras covering a 360-degree panorama like you're filming an undersea documentary directed by James Cameron.  And even recumbent riders aren't immune:



Gary Souza, a cyclist in Sacramento, said something like that happened to him. He wears a camera on his helmet during his 50-minute commute each way between his home and office. He began riding with the device this year after buying a $7,000 velomobile, a three-wheeled recumbent cycle with a shell around it.


“Even though it’s insured, if anything happens I figured I wanted to get it on camera,” said Mr. Souza, who works in information technology for the state of California.


A couple of months ago, Mr. Souza said, a motorist became upset after the cyclist crossed in front of his vehicle to make a turn. The driver got out of his car to confront Mr. Souza, who pointed to the camera on his head.


By the way, here is a velomobile:


Just imagine the motorist's horror when Future Man climbed out of his Intergalactic Space Suppository and pointed to the camera on his head.  I'm sure the last thing the driver thought was that the device was a camera, and instead he probably assumed it was a freeze ray that would incapacitate him while this strange cosmic explorer administered an anal probe and then brought him back to the mothership for further invasive testing.


It's bad enough we've reached the point that if a ride isn't documented digitally it didn't happen.  Now, we're on the cusp of a new age in which if the ride wasn't documented digitally then the cyclist is guilty.


And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then you'll cheer heartily and $1,000 will be automatically debited from your bank account and transferred to the charity of your choice, and if you're wrong then you'll see something HILARIOUS!


Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and read safely.



--Wildcat Rock Machine





(The Schlecks looking wasted after yet another all-night pee-pee party.)


1) Andy and Fränk Schleck may have finally committed the ultimate act of career suicide by:

--Confessing to years of recreational diuretic abuse
--Co-starring in an adult film called "Schleck and Schlecker"
--Publicly calling everybody's favorite rider Jens Voigt a "douchebag"
--Signing with Astana







("The diamond frame, like the three-act structure, has outlived its usefulness."--George Plimpton)

2) "George Plimpton was known for cycling around New York on his Trek Y-foil ."

--True
--False








(Helmentless Copenhageners ride heedlessly towards almost certain death.)

3) Which is not a Copenhagen cycling amenity?

--Rider footrests
--Specially-angled garbage cans
--"Conversation" lanes
--Waist-high pissoirs for easy on-the-bike relief







4) In New York City, telling a police officer to stop blocking a bike lane will get you:

--An apology
--A ticket for an offense you didn't commit
--A reply of "Fuck you, Spandex Boy"
--The dreaded "chocolate swirly"







5) Portland's Bicycle Übermom Emily Finch admits to:

--Bungee-cording a screaming five-year-old to a bakfiets
--Running over a neighbor's cat with her bike and leaving an anonymous note of apology on the carcass
--Thinking David Byrne is "kind of a douchebag"
--All of the above






6) This guy wants you to give him money so he can:

--"...record an epic re-imagining of Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' played entirely on bicycle components"
--"...build an ultra-lightweight and compact telescope that can easily be carried on a cargo bicycle, so I can engage in spontaneous and sustainable sidewalk astronomy"
--"...tour the United States by bicycle and empower impoverished Native Americans by educating them about the process of collective dairy farming"
--"...move to Brooklyn, buy a bicycle, and document the artisanal revolution"







7) In a stroke of marketing genius, the promotional video for the FlexLine hydration system consists entirely of a large-breasted woman jogging on a desert road and suckling on a snorkel full of water for 45 minutes.

--True
--False



***Special Equipment-Themed Bonus Question***




Complete this pre-ride checklist:

1) Helmet
2) Vest
3) Gun
4) ___________

--FlexLine hydration system
--Recumbent
--Noseless saddle
--Clown shoes


86 comments:

Blog Drafter said...

Bike Throw!

MC"Slow"Fly said...

Dammit

Anonymous said...

I knew I was in trouble. Blog Drafter had that mad and hungry and mad about being hungry look in his eye.-SK

Alchemist said...

COLORADO

Blog Drafter said...

Hungarieee!

Anonymous said...

That's alot of ass....let's focus on ass jokes people.

Anonymous said...

6th for those who can't count

cycle

singlespeedwaster said...

Top five! Or seven, or thereby!

leroy said...

Did Phil just refer to some adorable geese photographed at the TdF as foie gras to be?

Yeesh, ride safer than geese all!

Blog Drafter said...

Those asses are pretty hilarious. Now, to ride, ride like the wind!

Anonymous said...

spinnin down the wheels

Anonymous said...

what, steevil gets to go to Dealercamp and you don't?

Cadel Evans said...

I saw that jackass in yellow today.

Buffalo Bill said...

You know what cunts don't suffer from? Erectile disfunction, that's what.

At least, not the kind caused by bike saddles.

Anonymous said...

My lead out train... Cunts, all of em.

Anonymous said...

seizième

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
top something!

That cop video is fantastic. Incredibly pathetic, that copper should be booted right away; abuse of power for a fellow citizen speaking to him, albeit tersely, in passing; what's he gonna do in a dangerous situation, without any capacity for discernment / starting from an already corrupt base.

I used to be a big supporter of the police, but now at over 50 years old, most of my experience with them has been like this one - slightly tarnished power-mad bullies.

Even here in our very rural part of the world, the same thing.

Anonymous said...

Spoiler alert. The beefy bottom bracket is so passe. According to the Phil & Paul laugh-in this is the year of the hefty head tube.

JB said...

Future Fred-mobile if they can make it of crabon?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Speaking of large-breasted women, I was apparently misinformed about recent developments in sub-atomic physics.

I thought that they had discovered the big bosom particle.

Anonymous said...

Schleck UND Schlecker.

Jeez, must I do everything around here? Wichse!

McFly said...

Oh cool, I was not aware that Park Tool made a faired 'bent. Maybe they are releasing it at the dealer show you are not allowed at.

Anonymous said...

GoPro cameras are great but I prefer a Kel-Tec P3AT.

mikeweb said...

I guess the recycling plant's loss is the NYPD's gain. Shame that cop couldn't figure out how to sort brown, green and clear glass.

Anonymous said...

From hence forth acing the quiz shall be known as Stomping The Clit. I stomped the clit.

mikeweb said...

I wonder what Steve Tilford thinks about cops... and clits.

Anonymous said...

Chicago bike cop swerves around a pedestrian in the crosswalk while running a red light. @0:49

Vino said...

I'm on my last Tour and not a single mention of my unibrow.
Throw the Jew down the well, I say, so my cuntry can be free.

jno62 said...

That's some fancy ass!

Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Cav is the y-foil of the TdF.

Anonymous said...

In Illinois if you photograph the cops busting you for crazy shit, you have committed a felony.

But only if you try to use it as your defense.

Clen said...

Fränk shoulda never accepted that Spanish cheeseburger from a snake.

Anonymous said...

Tilford is not crazy about them. He got busted pickin Mulberrys and has never gotten over it. Live by the sword and all that.....

Marcel Da Chump said...

Podium donkey.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"...instead he probably assumed it was a freeze ray that would incapacitate him while this strange cosmic explorer administered an anal probe and then brought him back to the mothership for further invasive testing."

not always a deterrent...just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Kinda bummed that I don't have a helmet cam.

Rollie said...

You better move your genius ass (the one in the yellow) to the fuckin pasture on the right. You heard me.

grog said...

Leroys dog told me Übermom Emily Finch is Recumbabe. What you think?

Anonymous said...

Great now I have to commute home from work and all I'm gonna think about is stupid cunts in pickup truck running me over.

leroy said...

My dog claims those donkeys are outstanding in their field.

He's been giggling and poking me in the ribs all afternoon with that one.

He doesn't know it yet, but I got him a white jersey so he can join them.

And then I'm calling Philippe Gilbert.

Wiggocunt said...

Simply Cunt-abulous!

Anonymous said...

donkeys are funny, donkeys in shirts are hilarious.

leroy said...

Grog -- you can't believe half the stuff he says.

Nick Hagger said...

Was almost impressed by that kickstarter until I saw he wanted to build himself a telescope to schlepp around in his cargo bike, and not, as I had imagined, develop some kind of detachable top tube system which could be unfurled to expose full infra-red array, digital mount and emission nebula analysis software.
Still, it's only a matter of time, right?

Cipo said...

Excerpt 'Cipo's Velo Love 101'

From Chapter I

"I have found there are three types of cunts.

1. your clincher cunt

2. your tubular cunt

3. your tubeless cunt

Personally I have no preference and find all there very appealing and pleasurable.

Chapter II

Now we will explore the many pleasurable aspects of 'pontooning' ...

Paul Bowen said...

Police = idiots

Celebutard Divorcee' said...

I find that Intergalactic Space Suppository most intriguing.

Friendo said...

That truck driving cocksucker should be charged with attempted murder, not just hit & run. Cunt.

Anonymous said...

That NY cop is a moronic cunt.

Dooth said...

Cameras should be mandatory on cars.

Anonymous said...

The goog thing about a camera wearing bicyclist is,
that in that rare event the cyclist is in the wrong
(eg running into parked cars due to concentrating on a bike computer), the cyclist probably won't be able to erase the damning evidence. Well maybe, if he or she is wearing a helmet.

Neil said...

hands free riding is not standard practice for Chicago PD, but apparently lane splitting and running red lights is par for the course....

ervgopwr said...

NY Cop is cuntastic ass

I bet the donkey's could tell the light was green, or yellow or polka dot...

frilly said...

Okay, that picture of Andy and Frank had me giggling for a couple of minutes before I could even read the question. Then come to find out d IS the correct answer. Holy Crap!

ProTour is better than a soap opera.

The donkies are adorbs! Too cute.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"In a stroke of marketing genius"

Very true. The stand up paddle board girl is no slouch either.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Some days, you are the big dog and some days you are the Phillipe Gilbert...

frilly said...

Speaking of nice asses, Phillipe Gilbert should always be in the chase. Fortunately for us, or at least for me, he's usually in the back of the chase. That camera shot is tres magnifique!

Anonymous said...

Helmet, gun, vest, spare helmet to annoy people who don't believe they're necessary.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Digital camera panties!

Anonymous said...

Pro cycling is a suitcase of fantasy.

frilly said...

Anon 5:35--not taking requests today. Maybe next week we'll see how the podiums go. Ha.

Anonymous said...

Six kids!?! She does have a hot body. I would just have her polish my down tube. But, I saw one of the last pictures and she kinda resembled the xenomorph from Aliens.

Anonymous said...

R. Bike snob, Nice week of blogging.
Mostly relevant, interesting, and fun.

Anonymous said...

Ack. Snob makes the Grauniad http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2012/jul/20/new-york-cycling-bike-share

McFly said...

Hey Frilly let's try to keep the stalky sexually-charged content to a minimum.


THIS JUST IN: Peta Todd will be waiting for life-baby-making-partner Cav at the Arc D'Triumph in Paris Sunday TOPLESS.

BREAST-PARIS-BREAST

Eskimo Guy said...

Where I live we have 'cunt-share.'



But it is mighty ccccoooolllldd!!!!!

Anonymous said...

< Ack >

You are Bill the Cat and I claim my £5.......ok, $5 will do......

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

69 non plus.

Anonymous said...

Those cops should wear helment cams so when they're noselessly riding no-hands through red lights and crash and their firearm discharges it'll all be caught on camera.

Did that actual helment-cam footage help? It didn't seem to capture much in the way of license plates and drivers in a couple of those incidents. Just do what the cops do, pack heat. Conceal, Carry & Ride, that's what I say.

Drill SgtMaj Rock Douche'inton said...

I don't know but I been told!

Eskimo pu$$y is mighty cold!

Latrine Rouge said...

It hurts when I peepee.

PubicWiggo said...

Merkin Jaune!

Phil & Paul Liggettt said...

Cipo commands his COCKpit while Wiggs and Cav command their CUNTpits.

Follow the money ...


There's no business like show business like no business I knowsssssssssss

Anonymous said...

@ McFly 8:32

excellent !!

Anonymous said...

why the hell is a glorified 11 mile commuter path in copenhagen (excuse me, "bike superhighway") actual news? Metro Boston has a 14+ mile path (uh "bike interstate") that's been in use for the past 20 years by 1,000s of old dudes on recumbents. The commonwealth is even planning a 140 mile bike path (er, super-mega-skyway) that leads from the lesbian settlement in northhampton all the way to the lesbian capital in Davis Square.

Gary souza said...

I leave 7 miles from the office.

Fritz said...

Go Pro Justice Gotta love it

mungibli said...

you forgot to mention the benefit of feeling like trolls are taking care of you on the super highway

mungibli said...

you forgot to mention the benefit of feeling like trolls are taking care of you on the super highway

McFly said...

Sean Yates sounds like a drunk Dudley Moore.

Peter Cook said...

Did anyone ever hear Dudley Moore when he was sober?

JB said...

Did you see Wiggins use a FlexLine hydration system extend his lead by another 32 seconds on Sunday? Totally awesome.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does improperly wearing your helmet so you can strap a hard plastic box to your forehead put in questions this guys credibility as a safety advocate?

Fritz said...

seems strange that an owner of of a Gopro does not know they come with a
helmet mount so he would not need the strap setup...dorky

Anonymous said...

HD kaliteli porno izle ve boşal.
Bayan porno izleme sitesi.
Bedava ve ücretsiz porno izle size gelsin.
Liseli kızların Bedava Porno ve Türbanlı ateşli hatunların sikiş filmlerini izle.
Siyah karanlık odada porno yapan evli çift.
harika Duvar Kağıtları bunlar
tamamen ithal duvar kağıdı olanlar var
2013 Beyaz Eşya modeller
Sizlere Güvenlik Sistemleri ayarliyoruz
Arayin Hırdavat bulun
Samsung Nokia İphone Cep telefonu alin.
Super Led Tv keyfi

Amatör Porno - Amcık Porno - Anal Porno - Asyalı Porno - Bakire Porno - Erotik Porno - Esmer Porno - Fantazi Porno - Gay Porno - Götten Porno - Grup Porno - Hard Porno - HD Porno - Hemşire Porno - Latin Porno - Lezbiyen Porno - Liseli Porno - Olgun Porno - Oral Porno - Rokettube - Sarışın Porno - Sert Porno - Tecavüz Porno - Travesti Porno - Türbanlı Porno - Türk Porno - Ünlü Porno - Yaşlı Porno - Zenci Porno - Karı Koca Porno - Hayvanlı Porno