Thursday, July 19, 2012

Good for Them: More Stuff We're Not Getting

In George Orwell's "Nineteen Eighty-Four," Winston Smith works in the Ministry of Truth, where his job is basically to retroactively alter newspaper articles so that Big Brother and the Party can surf an endless wave of always being right about everything.  Well, thanks to the Internet this has become standard practice, for after stating quite clearly that George Plimpton rode a Trek Y-Foil, the Paris Review has excised all mention of the gaffe from their website:

Of course, the main difference is that Plimpton actually didn't ride a Y-Foil, so it was in fact I who was engaging in Doublethink by inventing the quote in the first place.  Still, I've always believed that truth is like a used chamois, in that it's highly malleable and can be a source of comfort, but you don't want to examine it too closely or else it might make you throw up:


Long Live Oceana.

Speaking of totaliarian countries, the hatemongers who run Denmark continue to torment and oppress their citizens by forcing them to ride bicycles:


("OH MY GOD THEY'RE NOT WEARING HELMENTS THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!"--An American Eating a Big Mac)

As an American it's tough not to feel like Winston Smith when you read about Copenhagen.  Here, if you're a cyclist you're an enemy of the state, and every week is Hate Week.  This is why drivers are allowed to kill you.  Meanwhile, in Copenhagen, you're free to go pantsless until you get to work:

“I’m very glad because of the better pavement,” said Ms. Nielsen, who wore a rain jacket and carried a pair of pants in a backpack to put on after her 40-minute commute.

By the way, cycling pantless is an old conductor's trick she learned from Leonard Bernstein:



And yes, I always watch "Seinfeld" in the original German.  I know it's pretentious, but all the little nuances were totally lost when they dubbed it in English.

Another important difference is that in Copenhagen the people aren't complete idiots and have a certain amount of common sense when it comes to getting around:

Lars Gemzo, a partner at Gehl Architects, said that within Copenhagen, biking was already the best option for many kinds of trips. “If you want to drive a car for a medium distance, you know you are a fool,” he said. “You are going to waste time.”

Here, for local trips, we prefer to sit in traffic leaning on our horns while burning expensive gas and blaming a new bike lane somewhere across town for all the congestion.

Most notably though, in most places in America it's perfectly fine to take up the entire street by driving alone in a car that's as wide as your apartment, whereas cycling two abreast is an offense punishable by shooting:


Meanwhile, in Copenhagen, they're actually working on "conversation" lanes:

Several biking innovations are being tested in Copenhagen. Some, like footrests and “green wave” technology, which times traffic lights at rush hour to suit bikers, have already been put into place on the superhighway. Others, like garbage cans tilted at an angle for easy access and “conversation” lanes, where two people can ride side by side and talk, might show up on long-distance routes in the future.

At first read a "conversation" lane might seem like a bad thing.  However, it's important keep in mind that Copenhagen is in Europe, where more people are actually able to engage in intelligent discourse and have an interest in subjects beyond celebrity divorces and Spider-Man.  Then again, here in America we don't need stupid slanty garbage cans because we just throw the whole bag of McDonald's right out the car window onto the street, so I suppose the joke is on them.

By the way, if you didn't hate these people already, here's a video to help you revile them even more:



Big Brother kindly requests that you scream your guts out at them.

Of course, it's important to remember that you can't paint a country as huge as America with the same aerosol can, and that there are actually bike-friendly communities here too.  Take Portland, for example,  where this woman rides a bake-feets with six kids:


It's tempting to call her smug, but it turns out she's actually not all that smug about it:


Emily isn't anti-car or opposed to driving one because she feels she's saving the planet. That idea is laughable, given the immense carbon footprint of an eight-person family. "I cancel out my bike riding every day with all the other terrible things I do," she admits. "I don't compost, I stink at vegetable gardening."


Emily bikes for a simple and somewhat corny reason. It makes her happy.

That's how you know she's only lived in Portland since 2010, and there's no way she'll be able to maintain her down-to-earth attitude amidst the constant validation she's now receiving from her new neighbors.  She even admits to owning a car, which is something she doesn't share in common with David Byrne.  Also, another key difference between her and David Byrne is that David Byrne probably never lashed a child to a bicycle with a bungee cord:


"I have literally bungee-corded my 5-year-old to the back of the bike. He wouldn't get on. He was screaming and everyone was staring, so I stuck him on the seat and bungee-corded him in and just started pedaling really hard... He screamed all the way home."

Though he did once design a whimsical bike rack shaped like a dog:


I'd like to see the bake-feets lady bungee-cord her baby to that.

Yes, you can accept cars, or you can renounce them, or you can just run up a bunch of tickets and dispense with them Glasgow style as in this photograph that was forwarded to me by a reader:


That's pretty much the opposite of smugness.  Clearly the car doesn't belong to Bradley Wiggins, because if it did he would have written, "Fucking keep it, cunt."  However, another reader informs me that this could be his mountain bike:


Of course, to get maximum performance from your "CUNT" bottom bracket, you should always pair it with some STD pedals:


Just remember that STD-style mountain bike pedals require different clits than road bike pedals:


And if you're having trouble finding the appropriate clit for your pedal system, just do a quick Internet image search, though the results may be unsafe for work. Also, beware of Internet forums, because they can contain lots of misinformation:


FreshNewbie




As many of you saw my thread earlier this week, i managed to fall at the stop light. Last year i purchase speedplay pedals, and I think they are X2 model. The thing I noticed with them, is that they somehow tend to clip back in. Has anyone else encountered this problem? Maybe I need to tighten the clits a little more? Any suggestions? And as long as we are there, this brings another question- What does the rest of you do when you unclip, how do you place your foot on the pedal so it doesn't slip in road shoes? I tend to slip from the pedal if i place my foot anywhere except directly on the clit? Thanks for all your input.


I realize every pedal is different, but you probably don't want to go stepping directly on the clit.



97 comments:

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Kenny Banya said...

Top ten Kenny

Anonymous said...

"When I vote, I send away for a sandwich with mango chutney. Afterwards, I ride around with a mallet on my fixie."

-Ghandi

Bonk said...

I'm puliing for Fred Willard

Anonymous said...

Texting and riding don't mix.

Anonymous Coward said...

Toppus Tennus

Serial Retrogrouch said...

top diez

Guy said...

podium

Anonymous said...

again for the HUGGY

Chesse Spleen said...

10

Anonymous said...

11

cycle

Kenny Banya said...

“If you want to drive a car for a medium distance, you know you are a fool,”

Gold Lars, GOLD!

Anonymous said...

chain drop in the last kilometre! If only wiggins was here to neutralise the peleton and call me a cunt.

JB said...

mehgnificent.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

yeah, but my clit always goes round and round around my CUNT

Dan said...

Fucking gold, Snob.

ken e. said...

non-gratuitous comment here. why so naughty?

MUGY WTHR

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty! Read! Smug!

McFly said...

click

Le Spoileur said...

Team Sly pulls a train. Wiggout cruises into Paris and wins the overall at the Tour de Snore. Howwzat for a spoiler post?

Anonymous said...

And yes, I always watch "Seinfeld" in the original German.

Funny I like watching friends in its original idiot version.

Anonymous said...

In the old days we'd strap into the clits with leather.

leroy said...

Screamed at by a truck driver this morning to "get off the street." I was in the turn lane and he was coming at me head on. My response is inappropriate for the polite society that is this commentariat.

Admonished by a jay-walking dog walker in Prospect Park this morning to "slow down for kids." There were no kids nearby, just a guy who wanted to step in front of me with his dog. My response was "thank you." I am nothing if not polite to dogs and flattered he thought I was fast. My dog assures me I'm never more than half fast.

But as for Ms. Finch in Portland, if she's not careful, her five year old will will join Mitt Romney's dog to pen a tell-all memoir about being lashed to family vehicles. I mean it is Portland after all.

Anonymous said...

Thank God I don't live in Portland. Oh the ignominy as Emily dings her bell and cheerfully says "On your left!" and overtakes me.

Anonymous said...

So, Leroy, it's safe to say you didn't call him a cunt?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"Emily bikes for a simple and somewhat corny reason. It makes her happy."

Shut up Emily, people will find out!!!

McFly said...

It's been a while since we a had legitimate, documented example of MILF on this blog. Thank you Kive Beck-Olsen, thank you. I will step on your clit any day of the week. WITH MY FACE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

I know fred willard is old, but has he not heard of the internet? sorry, forgot this was a bike blog.

wishiwasmerckx said...

So, a discussion of the man in the boat. Does anyone need a map of the vaginal shoreline to find him?

leroy said...

Anon 1:22 --

I was a little more colorful with the truck driver and infallibly polite with the pedestrian (who really didn't seem all that perturbed).

But I am worried about McFly.

Not one comment yet about the blonde in the Copenhagen bike video. I hope he hasn't slipped off his saddle and onto a cushionless top tube. Been there, done that. Very distracting.

leroy said...

Well shut my mouth about McFly.

Our posts crossed in the internets.

JB said...

"Finch, 34, is a powerhouse."

She can bungee cord me to something and clamp those thighs around my head any day.

JB said...

David Byrne: "Take a picture of me so the derailer looks like the dog's wee wee."

ashcroftchops said...

Top 40! YEEEEEEEHA!

Anonymous said...

Is that girl in the Danish photo wearing a Newky Broon t-shirt?

hey nonny mouse

Marcel Da Chump said...

Big Snobby.

jno62 said...

Another good laugh.

Yahoo!

DerZoots said...

All Hail The MIghty SCREEN CAPTUREZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHen snotty folks look unedity.

I'm goning to poop now, which is the number one excuse for fovinoff at work. Worst part is I'm not at work. I am do about to get working onthis bong weed bowl.
L8z.

livingjetlag said...

You just made my day. Cat 7!

Anonymous said...

"Froome is the King of the other Clits in the Tour de France"
--Radio Monte Carlo

Celebutard Divorcee' said...

Yow!!!! Don't step directly on the clit!

Anonymous said...

i (heart) MILF X 6

Anonymous said...

I think it's interesting that the Snob isn't really a proponent for the environmental side of cycling. He tries to explain it by saying bikes aren't all that environmentally friendly, but I think that he's just trying to stray from the political implications of biking, which the rest of the internet won't shut up about.

The Hillside Rapist said...

That settles it, I am moving to the suburban woods of Copenhagen.

The King of Park Slope said...

If you like Copenhagen so much, maybe you should move there.

It's occupied by Nazi's you know ... like since the 50s or something.

Are you a Nazi? Huh?

Where's my brioche?

Dooth said...

This great country of ours is just past its second century of existence; European countries are the adult nations of the world--mature, sensible, pragmatic; while we're dumfuck twenty-somethings. Give us time. We'll get there.

Mrtn Anus said...

re ' sponder

re ' spondee

eat my fecal matter unwashed masses!

Rocco Testosteroni said...

today's word ...

pontoonage

Cipo said...

Have I ever mentioned the winter week I spent at the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City with the Felatiatto triplets? Let me tell you it was almost to much for even the Cipo. Speaking of trips have a nice one today.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

"Though he did once design a whimsical bike rack shaped like a dog:"

More disinformation, Winston Smith Rock Machine?

You are contributing to the Wikipedification of Wolfram|Alpha.

All The Black People In Portland Say said...

what the fuck does bake-feets lady have SIX kids for, is she starting a CRCA sub-team?

frilly said...

Oh Snobby.

That is all.

The Prince of Pound Town said...

King of Park Slope,

you didn't know Snob is ½ goy?

His other half sounds downright Teutonic at times.

Anonymous said...

Must be Wiggo's old mountain bike, eh?

Anonymous said...

I had a roommate from Copenhagen.

She bought a bike but didn't ride it.

She said it was dangerous and frightening to ride here (densely populated W. Coast city).

Truths abound.

8======D - - - - - - - - -

Salty and Sore said...

@ FreshNewbie-

Some folks actually prefer stomping on the clit.

And some prefer to work their way in.

Find what works best for you.

pebes said...

i'm easily turned on apparently, this comment section just gave me a semi-.

bikesgonewild said...

...bungee cording the kid to the bike is really no different than strapping him in the back seat of a car with a seat belt...

...tying your girlfriend to the bed before tickling, rubbing, nuzzling or stomping on her clit is really no different than strapping her in the front seat of a car with a seat belt...

...at least, that's what i tried to tell the police...they, however objected to her being naked in the car...

...just saying...

Etherhuffer said...

RecumMILFclit

bikesgonewild said...

...BIKE CUNT NYC...

...no, i'm not insulting snob, i'm just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

.........& handcuffed & blindfolded...

...hey, it was her idea...i'm just being "...sensitive to her needs..."...

...& gratefully so...

Anonymous said...

Turns out you put your foot on her forehead.
Then you jam your face down directly on the clit.

Chimpo Chimpolini

Anonymous said...

i´m not sure what´s hotter... Kive Beck-Olsen or that superhighway concept?

I guess just asking this make me a bike nerd

McFly said...

What about a superhighway paved with Kive Beck-Olsens? I would not even ride.....just go bare-footed and clit stomp my way to Seven-Eleven and get me a 40 oz.

Professor Douche' said...

Velology 101


clitless pedals have a clit ...


how else would one clit in?

Jeddidiah Douche' said...

From this Fall's Lloyd Flandis collection ...

Mennonite spondee trap door pontoon panties with suspenders and a matching pale pastel belt.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Steve Porino=Fred Williards' love child?

Anonymous said...

Again, cycling is not good for the environment. It's just less bad than driving a car. Cycling consumes petroleum products (unless the tires are Bontragers, so named because the tires are artisanally harvested by fair-trade-protected workers from the Bontrager Tree, which has the unique property of growing ready-to-ride bicycle tires). Plus all the bean-burrito 29er riding fat cyclists are putting plenty of greenhouse gases into the environment--more than they would by sitting quietly on the couch.

Anonymous said...

"Knod to those who have come before"?? Cereaslee?

Festus said...

Ah. Got it. Up really is down in Portland. Glad that caption/picture sorted me out.

Festus said...

If they're all riding bikes in the Cope, how bad can the traffic be, Lars?

Anonymous said...

Wait "Bikefeets Lady" rides because "it makes her happy." But before you said.... Come on B.S. there are people who actually LOVE to ride bicycles.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 9:26pm,

Plus all the bean-burrito 29er riding fat cyclists are putting plenty of greenhouse gases into the environment--more than they would by sitting quietly on the couch.

I fall into that category but for every hour of riding I spend at least three on the couch so I like to think I'm crabon neutral.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Blue Sky Dreamer said...

You must see this photo of Wiggins:

http://velonews.competitor.com/files/2012/07/froome-brad1.jpg

Anonymous said...

Wot? A cunt filled week with nary a Chippo reference..

Snobby, what gives? Did Super Mario punch you in the pants yabbies when you were in Italy or what?

Fred Willard's Domestique said...

This tour's new cunt is word

McFly said...

Oh my. Turns out I have a set of STD's on the ol' 930 Singletrack. You know they are slutty components when a fella can enter them from both sides.....

MacIver said...

"Jeddidiah Douche' said...

From this Fall's Lloyd Flandis collection ...

Mennonite spondee trap door pontoon panties with suspenders and a matching pale pastel belt"

Come on, that sounds like one of those spam comments. Where's the spurious link?

Anonymous said...

SIDI. . . . . . cycling shoes

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Anonymous said...

"OH MY GOD THEY LOOK SO DUMB BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT RIDING SPORT BICYCLES!" - American on road bike, track bike, or mountain bike.

Cipo said...

Xue lina,
I totally got something you can wrap that hand around.

leroy said...

Wait a minute, what's all this about mmolive.com is your best friend?

My dog says he is man's best friend.

With all the money my dog borrows, I can't afford another best friend.

Sorry Xue Lina.

Kenneth Trueman said...

More snark or imafuckinkillya

Paul Bowen said...

KNOD CUNT

Frenchie said...

you may not give a flying fuck, but today´s stage takes place in France´s best region when it comes to food... The south-west.

Cassoulet, confit de canard, foie gras, roquefort, etc etc...

Go there, ride 150 miles, and then have a 4 hour long dinner. Now THAT would be a fantastic bike holiday.

Poppa Wheelie said...

Such polite and well thought out bike lanes they have in Copenhagen.
They even have 'Don't Fart' signs!

Anonymous said...

Ned Overend sent Steve Tilford and email a few years back. He thought it would be worth mentioning.

babble on said...

Actually, you kindov have to step on it a bit right at the end of your ride. If you want to get there, that is... ;)

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diablo 3 gold said...

Fucking gold, Snob.

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