Thursday, June 14, 2012

Breakfast of Champions: Starting the Day Off Right

As a commenter was kind enough to point out, yesterday was this blog's birthday.  To be honest, I never would have realized that myself, owing to my increasing inability to manage or keep track of time.  Also, I believe birthdays are a "Hallmark holiday" and a construct of the greeting card industry, a business concern which has done more to harm this planet than big oil, big tobacco, and the music of Big Country combined.  How many rainforests need to be raped so that a great aunt can mail some brat five dollars?  And don't think you're off the hook just because you opted for the e-card, because every time you send one a greeting card company employee clubs a baby seal to death with another baby seal.

Still, I'd like to pause for a moment to bask in my success, only I can't, because the truth is I'm not successful.  In fact, ever since starting this blog 15 years ago, my life has gone downhill more wildly than a fixie hillbomber with a broken chain.  Before becoming a bike blogger, I was the CEO of a large investment bank, making tens of millions of dollars a year in salary, bonuses, and other forms of compensation (which is financial industry jargon for "hookers").  Now, I have a shitty government job as the Secretary of the Treasury which only pays a measly six figures, and instead of replacing my Ultra-Red Record Ace Electronic shifters after every ride I'm forced to use the same pair for up to two weeks.

I've still never worn a pair of Rapha shorts more than once, though.  At those cheap prices I still consider them "one use only," like tissues or tampons.

Anyway, as a consummate failure, I've been trying to figure out where I went wrong, and I recently came upon an article that leads me to believe it could be due to shortcomings in my morning routine:


In particular, I should wake up early and immediately start praying:

"Seizing your mornings is the equivalent of that sound financial advice to pay yourself before you pay your bills. If you wait until the end of the month to save what you have left, there will be nothing left over. Likewise, if you wait until the end of the day to do meaningful but not urgent things like exercise, pray, read, ponder how to advance your career or grow your organization, or truly give your family your best, it probably won’t happen," Vanderkam writes. "If it has to happen, then it has to happen first," she says.


Unfortunately though, I'm unable to pray, since my religion (Orthodox Lobsterism) forbids it.  "Praying is for losers," it clearly states on the public restroom wall upon which is scrawled our sacred texts and commandments.  Also, I'm not convinced that cramming in a bunch of activities first thing in the morning is a formula for success.  Actually, it sounds more like a formula for constipation.  Whatever happened to pouring a cup of coffee, switching on the TV, and then adjourning to the "porcelain library" for some quality "downloading" time?  Then again, I suppose there might be a direct relationship between success and constipation, which would certainly go a long way towards explaining Mitt Romney.

Of course, while I may be a failure, things could be worse.  For example, I could be a middle-aged IT guy who wears a helmet cam, chases a bunch of idiots half his age, and then hawks the footage on the Internet, like Lucas Brunelle:



Though in all fairness I suppose idiots chasing other idiots is the basis of pretty much every form of "competitive" cycling, from the Tour de France on down.  In fact, idiots are so compelled to chase other idiots that they need to do it even when they're alone, which is why they invented Strava.  I suppose I could blame Strava for this, but it wouldn't be fair, since they're just fulfilling a desire that's already there.  It would be like blaming the Jergens people for masturbation.  Anyway, congratulations to Lucas Brunelle for emptying the "spank bank" of idiot porn he collected during his vacation days, and I'm sure this will appeal to the sorts of viewers who find "Premium Rush" too intellectually challenging.

Speaking of the Tour de France, you've probably heard by now that they're all over Lance Armstrong again:


As someone who finds the subject incredibly tedious, I react to these news stories like I do when I hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers have put out a new album--that is to say with a combination of total disinterest and utter disbelief that anybody is still paying attention.  I also think it's especially absurd that he's now been banned from triathlon, a sport which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with cycling:


(This is not cycling, it's getting changed.)

Just let the guy dork out during his golden years.  Seriously, they might as well ban him from backgammon.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised the sport of cycling is still fixated on Armstrong though, because, as the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.  (This explains why triathletes change outfits like three times during a race, yet they still can't ride bikes.)  For example, way back when I started this blog, if you had asked me my predictions for 2012, I'd have said that by then I'd be living in Portland and running a bicycle-based business.  In fact, I even drew up a business plan for a company called "Hold Your Line," which would dispatch trained specialists to your home by bicycle to wait on the phone for you when you get put on hold, thus freeing you to do other things.  Unfortunately, it turned out that people don't actually have other things to do in Portland, since it's not a real city, and so they're perfectly happy to do all the holding themselves.

So alas, I'm still here in Brooklyn, and despite my best efforts I'm still periodically losing my temper.  For example, yesterday evening I yelled at a Hasidic minivan driver to shut up.  This was because he was honking at every cyclist he passed, as well as at every car in front of him the instant the light turned green.  Anyway, I feel bad about yelling, but his driving was rather vexing--it was like someone running around a supermarket and yelling, "Move, move!"  Generally speaking, I find that the more religious a driver is, the more inconsiderate he or she is--and this is true regardless of whether the bumper features a picture of Menachem Schneerson, or a Jesus fish, or any similar totem.  I'm not sure why this is--and don't tell me it's because religious people are complete hypocrites, because I refuse to believe that, for at no point in history has that hypothesis ever been borne out.

Speaking of Portland, I was reading Bike Portland's Twitter yesterday, where I learned someone got a ticket for "corking" a cop:


Corking, eh?  He should be lucky a ticket is all he got.  To paraphrase Yakov Smirnoff, here in New York City, the cops cork you!  Sometimes they use a plunger, but other times they just use their nightsticks.

Speaking of getting corked, nothing goes together like corking and tiny shorts:




Tiny shorts walking on Prospect Park on Monday June 11 - m4w - 39 (Brooklyn - Prospect Park)
Date: 2012-06-14, 1:14AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]


As I was riding my mountain bike on Monday afternoon you were coming down on the left side with some tiny tiny shorts... You are white (I think), super sexy and curvy body, and those shorts... my lord, tiny that when I looked back I almost crashed lol... I raced to go around the bike trail and could not find you to at least say hi. I hope to bump into you again... You are definitely a woman to draw attention and I love that!!!! I will keep riding with hopes to learn about you. I am probably the ONLY guy that rides with smoked up Livestrong glasses, and I have a black TREK mountain bike. 


If it's you, hit me up... gonna be great to learn about each other. 

I wasn't sure what "smoked up Livestrong glasses" were, so I plugged the term into a popular search engine, but the closest thing I found was a recipe on the LiveStrong website for how to make a smoked ham.  Nevertheless, this raises an interesting question: Would you rather be stalked by a guy in smoked up LiveStrong glasses, or by a guy with a shaved head, goatee, mustache, and a bright red velvet smoking jacket?  Well, chances are that if you have a Kurt Vonnegut tattoo you'd opt for the latter:




Date: 2012-06-13, 12:26AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

We both got on the downtown 2/3 train at 135th st. around 9pm on 6/9.

You were a brunette with a kurt vonnegut tattoo on your right leg, I believe.

I'm a 25 year old white guy with a shaved head, goatee, mustache and I was wearing a bright red velvet smoking jacket.

I was going to chat you up about mr. vonnegut, but before I got on the train I had a heated argument with somebody and was still settling myself down.

if you see this let's chat! 

I certainly hope they find each other, because a love that pretentious only comes around once in a lifetime.


100 comments:

Jasper said...

Early doors

Jasper said...

All that attitude training finally pays off...

Anonymous said...

second

Anonymous said...

fourth

Linda McCartney said...

No seals were harmed in the posting of this comment

Anonymous said...

Smug Portlander not so smug after missing the sprint.

Anonymous said...

Top Ten

Anonymous said...

Top Ten.
Didn't read.

Anonymous said...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/crime/arlington-woman-killed-in-collision-with-bicyclist-tended-to-others-family-says/2012/06/13/gJQAJBZwaV_story.html?hpid=z4

Serial Retrogrouch said...

alto diez... dos dias!

t said...

weed.

theEel said...

effin weed!

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty. My contract for 2013's gonna be in the three figures.
And WRM, "Just let the guy dork out during his golden years. Seriously, they might as well ban him from backgammon" is funny as well as humane advice.

Anonymous said...

LINE OF SITE!
LINE OF SITE!
OOOAHHHAHHHHHH!
LINE OF SITE!
LINE OF SITE!
OOOAHHHAHHHHHH!

Fuck you whoever you are, Lucas Brunelle. Your video is the most Punch worthy thing I've seen since Operation Iraqi Freedom.
You got me rooting for the drivers and that's effing impressive.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

corking the scranus!

Captain Hardbread said...

pants Yabbi!

Buffalo Bill said...

Pretentious love is ok for a while.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Your photo-editing skills are excellent!

Chip O'Leany said...

Eating pussy.

g-roc said...

20th idiot, chasing 19 other idiots.

singlespeedwaster said...

Well I've started MY day off just right, and it's a hell of a time for breakfast down here in the top twenny-sumfing

Anonymous said...

Panties, or something. I don't know.

JB said...

I'm probably the only one who rides in the park with dark gray polarized Scott model 2398A sunglasses, so hit me up.

RANTWICK said...

It is still morning, right? Like, I didn't sleep 'till lunch, right?

Anonymous said...

I am with 12:03 anon. Rooting for the motorists to cull the Darwin herd of idiots!!!

mikeweb said...

"And so it goes..."

Now to read.

crosspalms said...

Was smoking jacket guy perhaps yelling at a Hasidic minivan driver before he got on the train?

mikeweb said...

 Generally speaking, I find that the more religious a driver is, the more inconsiderate he or she is--and this is true regardless of whether the bumper features a picture of Menachem Schneerson, or a Jesus fish, or any similar totem.  I'm not sure why this is--and don't tell me it's because religious people are complete hypocrites, because I refuse to believe that, for at no point in history has that hypothesis ever been borne out.

I heartily agree, Snob. Everyone knows that the Spanish Inquisition was nothing more than a couple hundred years of asking Jews and atheists a lot of really tough questions. All the burning alive stuff was purely accidental.

Anonymous said...

Armstrong not banned.

From Slowtwitch: http://www.slowtwitch.com/News/Ban_What_Ban__2850.html
It was reported that Lance Armstrong, "is banned from competing in triathlon, a sport that he focused on after retiring from cycling competition," according to USA Today.

"The immediate impact is that Armstrong will be banned from competing in triathlons this summer," declared the Washington Times.

The other Washington paper, the Post, wrote, "As a result of the charges, Armstrong has been immediately barred from competition in triathlons, a sport he took up after his retirement from cycling in 2011."

Even Velonews led with the headline, "USADA suspends Armstrong over doping investigation."

None of this is, in fact, true. Armstrong is not banned from triathlons. Not yet.

Anonymous said...

dammit, back in the 'bus with cav again.

still, he has some great peta stories.

Cardinal Fang said...

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Anonymous said...

I always shout at hasidic minivans.

Anonymous said...

Boy, am I feeling the squeeze today.

Lance's Ball®

db said...

@Anon 1:05: You sure about that?

"Armstrong is therefore suspended from competing in WTC-owned and licensed races pending further review," wrote the World Triathlon Corporation (WTC) in a statement. This, because, "Our rules, as stated in the WTC Professional Athlete Agreement and Waiver, dictate an athlete is ineligible to compete during an open investigation." WTC owns and produces the Ironman brand of triathlons.

Don't know why Slow Twitch doesn't see that as a ban, but everyone else does. They seem to be nit-picking over the fact that USADA hasn't banned him, but the Ironman group (WTC) in fact has.

Anonymous said...

Understated satirical humor there,"for at no point in history has that hypothesis ever been borne out."

wishiwasmerckx said...

I was banned from this comment board for posting comments which were not clever enough, so I know the sting Lance is feeling right about now.

Anonymous said...

How do you get on two thirds of a train?

If you believe that she was a brunette with a kurt vonnegut tattoo on your right leg, do you have any supporting evidence for that belief?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, you included a video which proves that when a cyclist gets "doored," by cars, it isn't always the motorists fault. Thank you.

JB said...

This is like the time that Planned Parenthood banned me from fvcking.

Anonymous said...

IN A BIG COUNTRY DREAMS STAY WITH YOU LIKE A LOVER'S VOICE FIRES THE MOUNTAINSIDE STAY ALIVE

??

Anonymous said...

Drivers in western cities are, in my opinion, much less prone to honk. In Europe (at least Barcelona, Paris, and Rome, they honk all the time. So BS why are you so surprized? Wasn't the old name for NYC, New Amsterdam. The sad thing is that the real Amsterdam has mostly resolved their car problems, including honking.

Anonymous said...

You wonder why there is motorist and pedestrian backlash against cyclists and then you see the lucas brunelle video. what a fucking moron, he definitely hurts the image way more than he helps it through his videos of idiots doing egregious stuff as if it were cool and edgy. stupid and childish is more like it. lucas get a fucking life, you dick.

JB said...

Why is it sad that Amsterdam has resolved their car problems? I think it's a good thing(tm).

Anonymous said...

I posted a similar craigslist "missed connections" posting:

I was riding my bike in oh-so-sexy dayglo lycra, with a helment and sporting sunglasses.

You were a fine young thing. Perhaps you are 20, but with legs like that a paltry 15 year age gap means nothing.

I write this post, pretending to care about getting to know you, when I really want sex. Forget about my paunch and burdgeoning man titties. My business career in stalling, but I am financially secure.

We can have some fun together. I know I will have fun, at least.

Sadly, if you don't respond this post, it is nothing more than a public display of daydreaming, a fantasy prequel to my later masturbation of some girl I saw on the street.

God love the interwebs"

Thanks for reading

bikesgonewild said...

...re: the spanish inquisition...now those cardinals were some kinky-ass sexual deviants...

...just sayin'...

grog said...

Thank Lob: You lifted my spirit with a complete image, though distorted by alphabet soup, of Recumbabe.
Happy Flag Day!

Anonymous said...

Egads,
Sir Snob
U R absolutely on fire today
THANKS!

leroy said...

Sniffle.

I used to think that Mr. Wild Cat Rock Machine was nice.

Sniffle.

But then he made fun of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Sniffle, sniffle.

Now I think he's just mean.

My son performed Sickamickanico at a club on the Lower East Side earlier this week.

My dog told him that it was the theme song at his parents' wedding.

Sniffle.

I'm not crying. I just, I just ... have something in my eye. Okay, both eyes.

I need a tissue.

Harronk!!!!

There. Better now.

Billy Pilgrim said...

Wow, I gotta meet that lady! She sounds out of this world!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of e-cards--I actually know people who are seemingly intelligent enough to walk around the city without adult supervision who nevertheless believe they're somehow being environmentally responsible by not printing their email. Because as we all know, the electricity to run the computer is generated by harnessing the surplus smugness of hipsters, not by burning shit that pumps CO2 into the atmosphere, plus the plastics (petroleum distillates) and metals the computer is made of are produced by an alchemical process that transforms hipsters' soul patch trimmings into usable materials. I mean, nobody would ever do anything that harms animals or the environment, just to make money by selling computers without printers and using them, right?

leroy said...

In a show of support for Mr. Armstrong and BSNYC, I routed my commute from Brooklyn to mid-town through Piermont this morning.

I peed profusely in Piermont, in support of BSNYC's urination ukase, but only in the restroom at Bunbury's, whose scones Mr. Armstrong has touted.

I skipped the scones and went with a triple espresso. That probably counts as doping.

Blog Drafter said...

Leroy @ 2:44

"ukase"


You are the man!!!!

(still tracking down The Aristocrats")

Blog Drafter said...

So Lob has a phone number?

Anonymous said...

Dude almost crashes his bike just to look at a girl in tiny shorts? Doesn't he have an Internet connection? Doesn't he know about Google image search?

bikesgonewild said...

...i peed (in spirit) next to a tree in piermont today whilst actually lazing about the house thousands of miles away...

...i do it (in spirit) in support of bsnyc/rtms/wcrm but i refuse to eat the scones or drink the espresso (in spirit) until the city fathers rescind their previous comments about sausalito...

...i know sausalito & i've known sausalito for 45 years, sirs & piermont, believe me, is no sausalito...

SteadyFreddy said...

In a big country,
Your dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice fires the mountain side,
Stay alive...

Anonymous said...

@ bikegonewild,

sausalito got no baurito

SOPWAMTOS disapprove

SteadyFreddy said...

In a big country,
Your dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice fires the mountain side,
Stay alive...

Q&L said...

Alright, enough with the Big Country lyrics, I still have nightmares about that combination of shirt and hair..
I am fascinated by the Kurt Vonnegut tattoo though. Was it a picture of him, or a quote of his? I know someone with a line from Slaughterhouse Five on her back, but I doubt it was the same person.

Anonymous said...

The sad thing about that story is that the tattoo isn't of Vonnegut, but of Groucho Marx.

mikeweb said...

Sadly that "Line of Sight" promo is basically a 2 minute distillation of things I see some other riders do during my commute in a typical month. Okay, a typical warm weather month.

Often times I almost relish the chilly and/ or wet weather.

SteadyFreddy said...

I'm 18/27ths sure the smoking jacket man is a lady killer channeling Stuart Adamson.

bikesgonewild said...

...holy shit !!!...just hearing/seeing the phrase "...SOPWAMTOS disapprove..." is like having god/buddha/mohammed come down from the mountain to have a most esoteric & personal chat...

...& THEY in their infinite wisdom are quite correct...sausalito does sorrily lack an epic burrito/baurito palace/place of worship...

JB said...

Does Bing Crosby still live on a houseboat in the Sausalito harbor?

Anonymous said...

Sorry JB, It is sad that "New Amsterdam" hasn't followed the lead of it's namesake city and fixed it's car problem.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ jb...that's called richardson bay but ya, ol' bing likes to sit out on the dock on warm evenings & regale the locals with tales of a steamy hollywood long gone...

...occasionally otis redding rows over from his marina & they do a little crooning together...

wishiwasmerckx said...

I know that the comment board of a snarky bike blog is probably not the proper forum for this discussion, but is anyone else concerned over the demand of the USADA, a private non-profit organization, that the US Attorney's office turn over its files related to its now-closed Armstrong grand jury investigation? The US Attorney's office has access to all sorts of investigative powers, tools and methods that are otherwise unavailable to USADA, and the targets of the US attorney's efforts generally cannot refuse to participate. The grand jury records are not public information, especially when there is no indictment returned. The USADA is not a governmental agency, and their right to demand or receive those records is highly suspect. If they are to prove a case, it should not be through confidential files handed to them on a platter by a disappointed US Attorney's office.

JB said...

WIWM: I didn't hear of the USADA demand (I agree with you, btw), but since I don't follow pro cycling very closely (i.e., at all), I wondered what kind of teeth a non-profit could have? What authority do they have to take TdF titles away? It seems like Armstrong's best move could be to just ignore them.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm not gonna go one way or the other as regards your quandary, wishiwasmerckx but as pointed out by mikeweb in a little 'discussion' we were having on this subject, the union cycliste international is sitting on pins & needles on this one...

leroy said...

WIWM --

My dog informs me that Federal Rule of Criminal Procedure 6(e) requires the U.S. Attorney to maintian the secrecy of grand jury proceedings.

But I would be careful about relying on his interpretation of criminal law.

He claims that it's pointless to try prosecuting him and his riding buddies for anything becuase they walk several time a day.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Tiny tiny shorts in a big country.

Anonymous said...

Leroy, Ukase? Seriously?
And I thought I was a pedant.

Even the Commenters are raising the bar now.

By the look of things here, I might need to start in with the Vyvanse sooner than I thought.

Anonymous said...

Sooooo,

Do those "Missed Connections" things ever work?
Have you ever heard of someone actually getting a real email in response?

You know, just wondering...

bikesgonewild said...

...only because 'somebody's dog' used to tell folks he was descended from russian wolfhounds belonging to romanov monarchy...

McFly said...

I do not always ride smoked up, but when I do, I wear Livestrong Glasses.

Birthday Poem:

Strawberries are Red,

Bruises are Blue,

I really need,

Less tension on my shoe...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy, the influence of the Mob indeed runs deep in New York City if even a dog there knows the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy, the influence of the Mob indeed runs deep in New York City if even a dog there knows the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy, the influence of the Mob indeed runs deep in New York City if even a dog there knows the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy, the influence of the Mob indeed runs deep in New York City if even a dog there knows the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy, the influence of the Mob indeed runs deep in New York City if even a dog there knows the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oops. Came back twice as undeliverable; showed up 5 times as published.

One of the internets must be broken today.

Jed said...

Smoked up livestrong needs to calm down and stop sniffing chamfered saddles. Next thing you know he's giving free facials with every bath salt treatment.

McFly said...

So the USADA has decidedblahblahblahblahzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm over it. He won. Got away with it. Whatev.

Stuart 'Skid Marx' Fredrickson said...

BIG CoUNTry ...

get it?

keep it!

Czar Douche'antonius said...

ukase #77124

Herewithtofor all subjects with scranus tattoos will be immediately pleasured by young nubile Georgian virgins just prior to their ritual sacrifice.

All subjects with knuckle tats will immediately report for military service in Czars Imperial Hussars with the overflow going directly to Siberia where they will enjoy a life of pain, depravation and sheer agony.

Mustava Roddup Yeras said...

Geez. When did we (Canada's un-manscaped taint) get so damn high and mighty about winning clean? Lance did what every good team member does. Go Big or Go Home, Bitches!
You're the people that believe there's such a thing as a fair fight! Enjoy Second Place.

Bonk said...

It's not a Kurt Vonnegut tattoo. It's just an asterisk, asshole.

Anonymous said...

Off The Back Allstar said...

Big cunt tree?
I've been trying to grow one of those for years.

Anonymous said...

Cipo celebrates arbor day

Anonymous said...

Cipo celebrates arbor day

Anonymous said...

Cleavage shot near end of Dumbass Brunelle video

McFly said...

Can someone please photoshop an image of Peta Todd on a Pedi-cab to alternate in so Recumbabe does not have to carry the perv load all by her fine self? I am sure she can handle it because her backside is not weary from a conventional cycling saddle but still, it would be a nice gesture.

Poppa Wheelie said...

mmmm, Peta Todd gestures

Poppa Wheelie said...

mmmm, Peta Todd gestures

Anonymous said...

http://www.dailyfinance.com/photos/top-25-biggest-product-flops-of-all-time/#photo-2

smith and wesson bikes

Papa Boner said...

Smoked up Livestrong glasse are I think he ment fogged up because of her supposed hotness

Anonymous said...

What about praying to the porcelain god in the morning? You could combine two routines.

Spence said...

Start the day off right with Big Country! For more great biking music, google 'Biking the Live Fantastic'

Robert said...

Your photo editor is the best kind of photo editor.

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