Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Sport Vs. Mobility: Stamp of Approval, Staff of Dorkitude

You can tell a lot about a city from its sports fans.  For example, most sports fans engage in moronic behavior, and similarly most cities are full of morons.  Of course, one person's idea of "moronic behavior" is another's idea of "good behavior," and a Twitterer informs me that, when it comes to hockey and Los Angeles, trampling a cyclist is apparently no worse than crushing a beer can on your forehead:


Yes, when it comes to post-game celebrations, it's all about the bottom line, and according to the LAPD "the bottom line is this was a really good crowd, and they celebrated as normal adults do:"



I agree, they did celebrate as "normal adults do," because here's how normal American adults celebrate:


(Silly cyclist, it's all your fault.)

Moreover, these hockey fans showed remarkable ingenuity and drive.  The sad fact is that most Americans are simply too lazy to maim a cyclist without an SUV, and on the rare occasions when they're actually on foot they're content to just let the cyclist go.  Fortunately, in this case, Americans proved once again that they are at their best when they're gathered in large numbers, and they ultimately worked together, pooled their resources, and administered the stomping that the cyclist deserved.

But don't get the wrong idea, because America loves its cyclists, which is why the United States Postal Service is promoting this "healthy lifestyle" with a series of cheesy stamps:


Wondering what types of cycling each one of these these stamps represents?  Well, the answers may surprise you:


The four stamps feature a young child just learning to ride with training wheels, a commuter pedaling to work, a road racer intent on the finish line and an airborne BMX rider.

I got the child and the BMX rider, but I'm not sure how the guy with the aerobars is "a road racer intent on the finish line."  It should be obvious to any cyclist that the rider depicted on that stamp is a thinly-veiled time traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret, right down to the telltale soul patch:




Also, how is the woman with the panniers "a commuter pedaling to work?"  She looks like she just concluded a successful Kickstarter campaign and is finally embarking upon one of those fantasy bike vacations that's dressed up as an act of charity.  Also, as a Twitterer pointed out, she's suffering from a pretty severe case of heel strike:

Still, none of this is to imply that you shouldn't buy the stamps.  In fact, the astute philatelist knows this this one will become especially valuable, since it's the bike dork equivalent of that upside-down plane stamp.  

Yes, you know you've made it in America when a moribund organization like the United States Postal Service gives you your own stamp.  Sure, it's easy to complain that the "road racer" is in fact a hapless triathlete (though arguably a state of haplessness is already implied in the word "triathlete"), or that the depiction of the "commuter" would make any Dutch bike-schlepping urban cycling advocate weep, but at least we're officially worthy of being adhered to obsolete forms of communication.  Fredboarders, on the other hand, may never get to experience this honor:




I've mentioned Fredboarding before, and the Fredboarder himself was very eager for me to post the above video, which confirms my suspicion that the sport of Fredboarding is about pathological attention-seeking more than anything else.  It's also about doing a funny little hop when you want to switch sides with your Fred-Tastic Roller-Staff of Dorkitude:



Incidentally, this video is set on the mighty slopes of the 110th street hill in Central Park.  This hill is the only incline of note in the park, and thus it serves as the great "bunching point" for New York City Freds of all stripes.  This is why there's a stunning display of Fredliness arrayed behind him, almost like a peacock tail of bike-dorkitude:


Pretty much all of those riders deserve their own stamp.

Oh, and don't say there's no such thing as "utility Fredboarding," because there totally is:


Yes, Fredboarding is a noble sport, and the fact that it involves a staff evokes both shepherding and the Old Testament, which is why I think this guy should ditch the Lycra and dress like the star of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat:"


Now that would make for a sick "edit."

94 comments:

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL GETS A BLOODY NOSE!

Anonymous said...

top ???

Anonymous said...

Freds Rule!!!

Captain Hardbread said...

Weed Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

top 5??? fuck me...

Go Germany !!!

Chriam said...

Fourth... I guess... *SIGH*

Chriam said...

Fourth if all the Anonymouses are the same.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

alto diez!

mikeweb said...

Top 10, and Fred it! Er, I mean read it.

petrus said...

Top 99%!!!!!

JB said...

The Dude did not abide.

RANTWICK said...

Breadcrumbs, breadcrumbs, yum yum yum.

Anonymous said...

Top XX? HEYHEYHEY!! W33D11

Anonymous said...

Was the cop:
A) questioning the cyclist about the attackers;
B) ticketing him for loitering; or
C) asking him to pick up that blood?

Marcel Da Chump said...

That L.A news editor found it perfectly natural
to have "well-behaved" and "cyclist trampled" in the same sentence.

Anonymous said...

Why exactly does the Fredboarder need spandex?

Chriam said...

At least with Fredboarding you have a stick to defend yourself against an impending hocky crowd stampede.

Anonymous said...

Top twenty!

balls®

singlespeedwaster said...

And this is how a weed becomes a -hey, where's that podium, man? Top 20?

JB said...

The BMX stamp bike seems to be launched straight out of the ground.

The stamps should be:
-kid riding bike
-adolescent riding bike to 7-11
-a commuter running over a biker with an SUV
-disabled fellow in wheelchair racer

The Astute Philatelist said...

I NEVER touched that kid!!!

Anonymous said...

tommorrows headline will be "Cyclist not wearing helment, trampled in mele"

Serial Retrogrouch said...

why in hell's name does anyone want to be part of an unorganized mob where you don't get jack squat for getting together???

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Buffalo Bill said...

It's not a race unless you have aerobars, or something like that.

leroy said...

To paraphrase Tom Lehrer:

Who needs a hobby
Like cycling or philately?

I've got a hobby
Re-reading Lady Chatterley.

crosspalms said...

A well-behaved crowd that trampled a cyclist and that the police had to fire non-lethal rounds at. Well, that broadens my idea of well-behaved.

chief_wiggums said...

Don't hate the Triathlete!

The USA-ian bicycle cycling cycle industry knows Tri-geeks are the richest source of revenue since the 1970's "golden era."

That tells you *exactly* how bad USA Cycling is at their task.

Snobby, start a Tri version of your blog hating on roadies and charge for viewing. Like most of Triathlon geekery, you'll find subscribers. Many of them. You've got to feed those 13 children somehow, right? Turning tricks in Times Square won't last much longer.

JB said...

Well-behaved mobs rarely make the newspaper.

Anonymous said...

wow
that's some video.

Anonymous said...

Is that a policeman standing over that cyclist on the ground? Probably going to give him a ticket.

cycle

jack said...

Wow that is really bad, I hope the guy is alright.

Etherhuffer said...

We had a well behaved mob like that in Seattle. I think it was called the WTO riot. But out rioters were much nicer and let the cops beat the shit out of them instead of running over other people.

Anonymous said...

110 is only hill of note in Central Park! I'm shagged after riding the hill up from the boathouse. Maybe I ought to ditch the FR8 and the kids for a Fredmobile.

crosspalms said...

Two guys in full kit passed me on the bike path this morning, and I overheard one saying, "I did that to my Venges and my custom touring bike..." Don't know what it was he did, but it had something to do with fit. Guy looked too young to be my dentist. And yes, Venges plural.

Anonymous said...

I ran into my dentist out riding. She has an affordable aluminum Trek with 105. I'm hoping she won't lose her board certification because of that bike, she's a good dentist.

Etherhuffer said...

My dentist crashed on a tour of Napa Valley and cracked some ribs. I felt really bad for him and wanted to jab him with a needle full of novocaine, sort of an empathy related thing. Nice guy, good dentist, but armed with too many needles.

Anonymous said...

spike boarding...interesting. I do have to take issue that 110 is the only incline of note in CP, there are four others. if you ever make it out of Prospect Park (with only one hill of note), I'd be happy to show them to you.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

cp elevation map. not exactly l'alpe d'huez, but a few good hills.

www.nyflyers.org/training/loop.pdf

Anonymous said...

I like stamps.
I LOVE cheese.
But cheesy stamps?
No wayo, Hosayo.

Anonymous said...

That Spike Boarder dude looks pretty fit - like he rides a bike a bunch. So why is he wanking off on that skate board? Oh right, "pathological attention-seeking". I think you nailed it, Snobster.

Chef Boyardouche' said...

Edible artisanal vegan pizza panties

P. Bateman said...

i don't ride a board, but i do have a rather large staff for dorkituding.

mikeweb said...

anon 2:25,

That CP elevation map is the one for salmoners.

d. byrne said...

Talking Heads ...

The upstairs & the downstairs ...

If two heads are better that one then why is the downstairs head always flaccido?

Captain Hardbread said...

Hey Wildcat, did Vito forget your Blogs Birthday? I know he types this all up for you while you dine on fruit loops and smoke the wednesday weed, you should send him out for some Artisanal cup-cakes or something to celebrate!
cycle-on WCRM/RTMS

le Correcteur said...

Snob,
Brevity the soul of wit today?
--le Correcteur

mikeweb said...

Good call Captain.

Looks to be a milestone-ish one at that. Forgetfulness is a Wednesday thing, even for Vito apparently...

Fredddy Fredddrickson D.D.S. said...

Is it to late to enter the 2012 Tour de France?

If it is then I wasted a lot of dough on blood doping, assorted chemical training aids and a fossilized paleo native american bone anal plug to cut down wind resistence and several 'Bobkie Roll' motivational retreats in the heart of the Colorado Rockies.

One more question. Do they pee-pee test at the Tour?

leroy said...

My dog informs me that this blog is 35 years old today in dog years.

Happy blog birthday!

(He also wishes to point out that is the birthday when one can expect the onset of canine pattern baldness. But I think he's just making up a fancy word for mange.)

JB said...

You can still sign up for Le Tour, but it'll cost you an extra $50 and you may not get your requested yellow t-shirt size.

Matt said...

I'm amazed that there are enough hockey fans in L.A. To qualify as a mob.

Big Charlie said...

Wiggums,

It's 17 children, not 13.

Anonymous said...

'hapless triathlete' is indeed a tautology.

CommieCanuck said...

"...if you can't make it out to LA, you can simulate the experience by taking a nice, sharp #2 pencil and JAMMING IT RIGHT IN YER EYE."

--Lewis Black

McFly said...

Call me when they release the Liz Hatch Stamp. I will lick that mother 'til it ain't sticky no mo.

CommieCanuck said...

I'm amazed that there are enough hockey fans in L.A. To qualify as a mob.

I'm amazed anyone gives a shit about hockey after March. For FUCK SAKES, it's JUNE, why not just drag it out some more...

As for the mob, most of them were there passing out headshots and padding their CVs with "Angry mobster #12 on CNN".

CommieCanuck said...

So one cyclist got trampled, BFD..it could have been worse, one mobster could have rubbed up against a BMW making the paint slightly hazy.

Q&L said...

Well if the Snob is taking a helf-day to celebrate the birthday, at least the commenter brigade is well up to snuff today - usual suspects take a bow, Leroy, Commie Canuck and McFly. Roll on bgw any time now....

bikesgonewild said...

...really ???...well happy 'fucking' birthday, bsnyc...

...& props to bsnyc/rtms/wcrm/eben weiss/aka snobster for following his muse down the bike path...

...his snobattitude has ironically cast more light on cycling than a free 'knog' give-a-way...& palpably so...

Anonymous said...

"Pathological Attention Getting"-nicely said, but in the cases of all those freds, walmart shoppers, and all those other anti-eye candy PAG's, it ain't illegal and so we all have to suffer.

leroy said...

You know, knogs make excellent novelty birthday cake candles that you can't blow out.

Just sayin ....

Dooth said...

A hill? In Central Park? Around 110th st.? It's a knoll, especially since it's after a descent.

Anonymous said...

Dutch bikes rule, but they are so much less cool than a good ole American Cruiser.

crosspalms said...

At 4:58, comments included the words "knog" and "knoll." I'm scanning the skies for the mothership. It's only knog and knoll, but I like it.

Anonymous said...

Most of that LA mob were folks who just became Kings fans in the last couple of weeks. Buncha bandwagoneering poseurs.

Anonymous said...

Also, at least they didn't set the cyclist on fire. Now *that* would have been a typical LA mob.

leroy said...

In light of today's announcement concerning the USADA and a retiree quietly enjoying his golden years, I want to be the first to declare without reservation that I will never, ever believe that BSNYC's Pee-Pee in Piermont program was a surreptitious sample collection contrivance.

Sorry, nope, just not buying it.

screaming skull said...

An anti-doping agency is filing formal charges against Lance!

They want to strip him of his 7 TDF titles!

Anonymous said...

Most of the mob were probably Canadians living illegally in the U.S. to escape the year long winter they have up there.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ screaming skull...

...sounds like the anti-doping police believe there was a 'message in the bottle'...

screaming skull said...

bgw, poor Lance!

He's singing: " The anti-doping Police, they live inside my head!"

leroy said...

Note to self: When engaged in a pissing contest with my dog, do not fall for that double or nothing proposal that he can pee past your shoes.

Same deal with USADA.

Turtle Protection League said...

Wait until USADA see the picture of Lance pissing on a turtle

bikesgonewild said...

...& knowing cancer jesus's attitude (publically: 'i don't give a shit anymore' vs privately: 'arrrggghhh !!!') i wouldn't be surprised if floyd, frankie, tyler & even george decide to go into the usada's version of the witness protection program...

...it's not quite as sophisticated as the u.s. marshal's version so whilst in hiding they'll all be gainfully employed using bicycle-powered butter churners in an amish village...

...at least floyd with his mennonite roots will feel somewhat at home...

g-roc said...

Never mind the dorkitude of cyclists, has the economic downturn got the country in such a funk that even USPS is proclaiming that USA is "not FOREVER"??? As a citizen of America's head lice, say it ain't so!

Lance said...

Oops, I am noticing that there is a hole in my white lunchbag. I sure hope that nothing incriminating fell out.

Inquiring minds said...

George's retirement announcement comes one day before this story breaks. Could there be a connection, or is it merely coincidence?

cancer lancer, ummm, wait, just anon... said...

...dear mr tygart, ummm, travis...can i call you travis ???...

...i hope you enjoyed the giant fruit basket i personally sent you recently...

...the, ahhh, basket lining (hope, in this case you didn't throw the bathwater out with the baby, ha ha ha !!!) you'll note had 700,000 reasons why i'd like you to consider sweeping certain 'allegations' under the rug...

...& hey, if 100,000 reasons X 7 isn't quite up to scratch, i can always scrounge up, like, way more reasons through a little organization i represent...i mean, i'm still like a god to somebody, at least !!!...

...anyway, mr tygart, ummm, travis, lemme know what your thinkin' & let's stay in touch...

...sweating it out in aspen (texas is like, way hot),
with hope,
your new pal,
cancer lancer...

Anonymous said...

Line through "Forever" indicates it's not a forever stamp? I don't know - I don't use stamps anymore.

Anonymous said...

>arguably a state of haplessness is already implied in the word "triathlete"

Especially if you happen to be one L. Armstrong.

What! said...

'Cause once in a while you get shown in the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right

Yohan Douche'bagge said...

This is how the Lance thing will out ...

Take away 2 wins = 5 time winner

He still has podium finish plus 5 ...

All is right in the Veloverse.

Jimmy Olsen said...

USADA's letter also said the agency was bringing doping charges against Johan Bruyneel, manager of Armstrong's winning teams; team doctors Pedro Celaya and Luis Garcia del Moral; team trainer Pepe Marti, and consulting doctor Michele Ferrari.

McFly said...

So I saw La Nouba(a spin off of the Cirque de Soliel) today down in The Orlando and some dude comes out on a BMX bike and blew our minds and then some guy followed up on a seatless mountain bike by rippin' mad shreds through the pieces of our dismantled brains. It was sick. Had lil' Asian girls, too. String yoyo's. Look at them yo yo's...that's the way you do it....

Anonymous said...

http://www.hawaiinewsnow.com/story/18781417/doping-charges-to-be-brought-against-lance-armstrong beat

Anonymous said...

Oh my gawd, I can't believe that biker was stampeded by those people.

Cycling in the street is crrraaaazzzyy.

That is one more reason why the only time I bike each year is at BRC -- for the sensational bliss that is Burning Man.

Anonymous said...

I don't get it. They prosecute Lance and Roger Clemens and let John Edwards go free. What's next - making Jerry Sandusky head of a boys' camp?

The feds waste millions on these stupid harrassment cases while the bankers who destroy our economy go free to steal again.

cycle

joebookshop said...

That dude is such a fucking loser.

Anonymous said...

At least it wasn't Vancouver. He'd have been not just trampled, but also torched and thrown through a store window! 'Grats to the Kings!

Robert said...

Poor cyclist, was he trying to bike through the crowd?

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing.

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