Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Conquests: Another Notch in the Belt

I have a recurring nightmare in which I wake up in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  So you can imagine my horror this morning when I awoke and discovered that it had come true.

Stumbling outside, I resolved to make the best of it, and so far things really don't seem all that bad.  For example, the gigantic liquor store has a bike rack that's cleverly shaped like a bike:




Also, the retail establishments are full of that Midwestern "can-do" spirit:


Old Man Roberts confirmed that he could indeed fit my foot, but when I told him I wanted shoes of the finest perforated yak leather he told me to "get the fuck out."

And there's even a gun store right next to a "New York style" Chinese restaurant:



I am completely ignorant of "gun culture" and thus have no idea what a "conceal carry class" entails, though I assume it covers how to shove a pistol into your waistband without shooting off your "pants yabbies."  In any case, it's comforting to know that if I'm overcome with homesickness I can drown my sorrows in a quart or two of wonton soup and then cry myself to sleep while clutching an egg roll.

Oh, and there's even what appears to be some sort of bicycle superhighway:


Long shadows of dorky bloggers fall upon this highway, and across it blow high winds--which, if you listen closely, also carry the soporific murmurings of Garrison Keillor.  It's also flanked by a forlorn simian bike rack that made me feel like Charlton Heston in the Forbidden Zone:



As well as by Freewheel Bikes:


This is where we'll be meeting at 4:00 today for a ride over to the University of Minnesota Bookstore for my BRA, and I hope you will come out and join me.  (Please leave your guns at home, unless it's more dangerous around here than I think it is, in which case please bring your guns with you and protect me.)

Moving on, yesterday I mentioned the Gent-Wevelwhatever bike race, and I'm sorry I didn't actually watch it because Klaus of Cycling Inquisition has informed me that if I had watched it I might have seen this:

  Image hosting by IMGBoot.com
(You have to click on it.)

Speaking of women in cycling, how to get more women on bikes is a popular subject among the advocacy set.  Now, I'm not a woman, but I've met a few, and I've come to the conclusion that besides the various glands and stuff men and women really aren't all that different.  Sure, men love manly stuff like guns and cinderblocks, whereas women love womanly stuff like pretty guns and cinderblocks upholstered in velvet, but when it comes down to it we mostly have the same needs.  In particular, we are all born with a strong desire to not get hurt or killed.  For this reason, I believe that the less likely it is you'll get hurt or killed on a bike, the more likely it is people will ride one, regardless of genitalway.  Therefore, we should just make the streets safer and be done with it, right?

The only problem is that this solution does ignore one crucial difference between men and women, which is that men are far more likely than women to come up with dumb ideas--especially when those ideas involve anything mechanical.  That's why the latest phase of the Gates Belt Drive Anti-Bicycle Chain Conspiracy involves foisting them on women, as I've learned from their latest press release:

For Immediate Release


Gates Carbon Drive™ Reaches out to Women with Videos that Highlight the Clean, Low-Maintenance Advantages of Belt Drive Bikes
Marketing initiative aimed at recruiting new cyclists seeking bikes they can jump on and ride, minus the grease


(Denver, March 26, 2012) – To encourage more women and non-cyclists to ride bicycles, Gates Carbon Drive™ has launched a “Get Belted” video campaign that highlights the clean and low-maintenance advantages of belt drive bikes.


The videos, which can be seen at the Gates Carbon Drive channel on YouTube, show the lifestyle benefits of riding a bike with Gates Carbon Drive. The first video, “High Maintenance Boyfriend,” pokes fun at the greasy mess of chains and features a female cyclist who comes home to find a trail of grime left by her filthy bike mechanic boyfriend.


The second video, “Built to Last,” highlights the longevity of belt drives (they typically last twice as long as chains) and shows a young mother taking her toddler, who transforms into an adolescent, for a spin in a tow-trailer.


The message:  thanks to its cleanliness and longevity, Gates Carbon Drive makes cycling easier and more appealing. “Gates hopes to eliminate some of the barriers to cycling by helping to create low-maintenance bikes that people can just jump on and ride, with no pre-ride lube or work required,” says Frank Scurlock, global business development director for Gates Carbon Drive Systems.


“Belt drives offer distinct advantages for time-stressed people,” says Todd Sellden, global director of Gates Carbon Drive Systems. “We believe that Carbon Drive is a technology that can get more people riding bikes for health, fitness, and environmental benefits.”

Will this automotive accessory manufacturing concern stop at nothing to take over our tiny little human-powered industry?  First they tried the "high performance" thing with singlespeed mountain bikes and the NAHBS sponsorship, and now they're trying the whole anti-performance "we love women thing" thing.  Yes, only a man could come up with the idea that the one thing standing between women and bikes is a piece of cycling equipment.  Sure, women don't want to get their pretty guns and velvet cinderblocks dirty when they ride, but that's why the Almighty Lobster on High created chainguards.  Still, it's a highly entertaining piece of anti-chain propaganda:



I particularly enjoyed the squeaky chain sounds they added to the scene in which the doofus with the mustache is cleaning his chainrings:


Gender issues aside, in what universe does a bicycle remain clean, with or without a chain?  If you work on a dirty bike you're going to get dirty no matter what kind of drivetrain it has.  Even performing maintenance on one of these will make you look like a Victorian chimney sweep if it's ridden often and never cleaned.

But while people may argue about how to get more women into cycling, there's one sure way to drive them out of it, and that's by exposing them to Mario Cipollini.  Many people have informed me that Cipollini is now working with a women's cycling team, and the resulting video is filthier than a chain drive on a messenger bike in a Minneapolis winter.  This team will be on MCipollini bikes, so naturally the great man was magnanimous enough to give them a chance to be on Mario Cipollini himself, but what he does to these poor women is nothing short of disgraceful:



There's a real lack of explanation in this video, and what you miss are some of the ethnographic subtleties of the mating rituals of the Cipollini alpha male.  In Italy, the summoning of a woman of age to the Cipollini domicile is a rite of passage that is cause for both celebration and mourning.  While parents are quite proud and send their daughters off with great fanfare, they also know the loss of innocence that awaits her, and so once she departs they wear all black and pray for a month.  It is also not uncommon for neighbors and relatives to visit and bring gifts at this time, for they know the daughter will return great with child.

As for the daughters themselves, when a group of women greets the Cipollini, it is customary for them to receive him in an orderly "V" formation:


While the Cipollini himself prepares by performing shirtless index finger warm-up exercises:


Once introduced, the ensuing interactions are highly ritualized.  First there is the Supplication:


Then there is the Inspection:


And then, finally, the Selection:


That shoulder tap means only one thing.  I shouldn't have to explain what that thing is, but it's very oily, and nine months later there's a child with a full mane of hair and a set of teeth like a whale's baleen.

Of course, modern social conventions require that this primitive ritual takes place under the guise of a team training camp, but it's around this point that some of the more savvy women on the team begin to suspect that Mario Cipollini is not in fact a trained physical therapist:


(Cipollini manipulating the leg during the Inspection phase in order to obtain an optimal line of sight.)

Nevertheless, he keeps up the ruse.  "Cycling comes from the primal rhythmic pulsations of the groin," explains Cipo below:


It sounds much better in Italian.  (Actually, pretty much everything sounds better in Italian, including the words, "My team's bike sponsor gave me an STD.")

Here, Cipollini's hands wander to parts of the body that have little or nothing to do with pedal stroke analysis:


Speaking of stroke analysis, here's Cipollini showing exactly how he likes to be stroked:


Whereas this part actually looks worse than it is:


Sure, it may look they're in the process of mating, but Cipollini is merely working out the optimal position for the obligatory "Cipo Was Here" team "tramp stamp."

In any case, once the coupling is complete, Cipollini then mimes the Caressing of the Imaginary Body Parts:


And then they go for a ride during which Cipollini beats them all in a sprint:


Judge if you must, but you only reveal your ethnocentrism.

112 comments:

Anonymous said...

Does Klaus Fluoride own a car?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Scranus

Anonymous said...

See ya Thursday, Snob!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment

samh said...

MINNEAPOLISICEBEARDSCRANUS!!!

Billy said...

top 10!

Vegas said...

Looky #7?

Paul Bowen said...

Top ten!

mikeweb said...

Obey the Cipo!

Anonymous said...

CIPO COCK

Some jerk from the Eas Bay said...

I really hate those stupid arty bike racks.
1.They reinforce the idea that a bike is just a toy. You want respect on the street? Don't lock your bike to one of these.
2. They're much more expensive than a traditional rack. Better more cheaper racks than fewer ugly, less well functioning racks.
3. There's limited space on a sidewalk for "street furniture." These tend to be bigger profile.

I'm sure "cycling advocates" love them.

Anonymous said...

So close. I stopped to read.

cycle

petrus said...

Top XXX!!

Anonymous said...

Fukin' brilliant Snob!

Jimbo said...

Fred up!

Plutarco said...

Both guns for bikes & the time-travelling Fred from Tridork!
http://www.roadswerenotbuiltforcars.com/american-cyclists-of-the-1890s-carried-guns/

Anonymous said...

"....yesterday I mentioned the Gent-Wevelwhatever bike race, and I'm....."

It's Belgian for the phase:

Gents, wave your gems

jno62 said...

The Velvet Cinderblocks.

Great name for a band.

Anonymous said...

See you at 4pm for the most perilous bridge crossing Cat 6 Fondo ever!

Anonymous said...

Yes, an East Bay Stingray.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Why does Mario Cipollini seem to lack the ability to keep his clothes on?


balls™
(NOT Mario's)

zoomer said...

perfect day for a bus ride

Scranus
and Weed Panties

singlespeedwaster said...

Pants. Soiled pants.

Cat6 champion said...

I came for the "genitalway", but stayed for Coach Cipollini -- good day today.

Anonymous said...

"Get Belted" sounds like some sort of pro-domestic violence campaign. I imagine a Gates Carbon belt would leave quite a distinct mark. Branding is, after all, about leaving a memorable impression.

JimonMV said...

Do you realize the slogan for MCipollini bikes is :"The Champion, The Power, His Tool"? I mean...

Anonymous said...

and the moral of the story is: feed the Cipo, not the yak.

Anonymous said...

HIBE AMS!

leroy said...

Speaking of women in cycling, here's a first for me: A serious note.

A bike mechanic at 718 Cyclery here in Brooklyn was recently hit by a car and seriously injured. A fund has been established to help her while she recovers.

You can find it here:
http://www.gofundme.com/i0zqc

I have only been in 718 Cyclery a couple of times and my contact with their mechanic/sales person has been fleeting. But I've seen her working with other customers and she struck me as nice, knowledgeable and genuinely interested in helping people get the most out of cycling.

mr. Wookie said...

a set of teeth like a whale's baleen!

mr. Wookie said...

oh and:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--TOBP6E4jyY/T3HXz1nf_jI/AAAAAAAAZyk/XymxShALp40/s1600/stroking.jpg

is an inverted showstopper

Billy Joel said...

Scranus

Billy said...

That cycling highway looks pretty nice. That's the sort of bridge I could support.

-1 for stupid shape racks. There's been several "contests" in Boston for "best" arty bike rack. Best meaning least practical and most intrusive, as far as I can tell. There's a suburban shopping center out on VFW Parkway that has one of those for the *only* bike rack. I'm never quite sure where to chain up.

Meanwhile all the universities and my workplace have the old-style front-wheel-mangler style racks that are only safe to chain up to on the ends.

Admiral Longpour said...

I always thought "perforated yak upper" was a bulimic dude with a piercing fetish.

Billy said...

@Leroy: Thank you for the link.

Anonymous said...

Is a "velvet cinderblock" the female-genitalway version of a "cock block"?

Anonymous said...

very funny today,,,and i didn't even have to read the whole thing!

grog said...

I learned all I need to know about bikes from Recumbabe.

Anonymous said...

Staying at the Sheraton, I take it?

Hungry Panda said...

The problem is that you are not in Minneapolis during Summer, (also known as August 2). Winter begins on August 3.

If you think you are scarred for life because of one night in Minneapolis, imagine what happens tomorrow in Madison, when you wake up with a cheese stick in your clenched hand. There is no good chinese food in that town, only artisanal cheese products.

The only people who have mustaches are police and 70's porn stars.

Did they have any bamboo at the chinese restaurant?

le Correcteur said...

BS, Late today! Do you know how much time I wasted this morning reloading BSNYC?
le Correcteur

Anonymous said...

brilo is the new totes.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

has no hollywood director taken notice of MCipo?!! that video practically looks like a preview for a film.

women would go to the theaters in droves to see the ol'Cip... and when they go home afterward, they'll all jump on their bikes and go on the streets for a collective bikegasm.

I hear running a carbon belt drive is conducive to getting multiple bikegasms.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

@leroy,

thanks for the link. Krys is a great person, i agree. WRCM commenters can make her fundraiser happen quickly.

i'm always happy when i walk into a bike shop and their wrench is sitting on velvet cynderblocks.

PS. I have a friend who's dog is named Leroy!

CommieCanuck said...

I was watching a spring classic with a friend that blurted out, "not much happens, mostly just guys riding bikes and looking tired".

He was right, out of the mouths of babes and fools (this case, fools). I can't ever watch road racing again. However, if some babe hops out with an outstanding Ghentish or Wevelgemian rack every 10k or so, I'm back.

Boobs, is there nothing they can't do?

CommieCanuck said...

I only like Minneapolis style Chinese food. It has less cat.

Cipo said...

eating pussy

yogisurf said...

There you go...video on clean drive belts to get ladies to ride...video on dirty Mario to scare ladies off the bike.

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,

Your post too long. can't read too good. Shorter quotes. Gooder.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh God, Mario near teams of weemen. With all those children about to appear, it's a small wonder why oil has hit $125 a barrel, and fluoride is the new gold on the commodities market.

Mario Cipolini> coaching weemen's cycling> little Cipolinis > demand for oil > oil-less belts on weemen's bikes> more oil for Mario Cipolini.

Circle of life children...

yogisurf said...

Bikes!

Jasper said...

Say what you like about Mario, at least you don't have to worry about whether he is rocking a 'concealed carry'. This is true for most male Europeans I think - no guns to play with, they reach for the closest approximation...

Vegas said...

Back from my cool-down after the sprint.
Marvelous, Snobby, just marvelous! The Unctuous One seems to be starting his own Skinemax channel. Here's hoping you're his Robert Osborne.

ervgopwr said...

Cipo was going all Patrick Bateman in that shirtless pointing scene.

ITLN SYCO

mikeweb said...

@leroy,

Also thanks for the link.

leroy said...

Serial Retrogrouch --

What a coincidence!

My dog says he has a friend named leroy.

Well, actually, he says I'm more like an acquaintance.

Sometimes he pretends he doesn't know me.

Dave Stoller said...

Mario's my hero, I want to be just like him when I grow up.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Don't forget the Purple Rain gear.

bikesgonewild said...

..."I particularly enjoyed......the scene in which the doofus with the mustache is cleaning his chainrings..."...

...kinda looks like a young bsnyc/rtms/wcrm, no ???...i'm thinkin' maybe gates stole that video from some underground porn flick that bikesnob did in the past...

...it wasn't always this way, what with the big bucks pouring in & the private jet for the book promoting world tours...

...eban hadda make a living in the old days & from what i've been hearing about nyc, well, i leave it to your imagination...

bikesgonewild said...

...hope kyrs @ 718 cyclery is back up & on the bike soon & not spending too much time sitting, recovering on the velvet cinderblocks...

JB said...

Cipo: rehearsing an SNL skit?

Anonymous said...

Cipo sez:
You call it a tramp stamp.
I call it an "Alabama License Plate".

wishiwasmerckx said...

Every time I am in Minneapolis, I make sure to visit Cago Lake Liquors.

McFly said...

MONK YRAK

wishiwasmerckx said...

When I was younger, I could just jump on and ride with no pre-ride lube or work required too, but as the ladies get older...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Pretty gun?
http://media.photobucket.com/image/pink%20gun/softball-luver21/pink-gun.jpg?o=1

McFly said...

On a scale of MEH to MEHHHHHHHH I give this post a very inebriated MEHHHHHHH. Women like belts...UNBUCKLING them anyway. I hope two abreast flasher lady is not at the Giro, Super Mario will never make it to the bunch sprint.

McFly said...

WIWM,
I love pink stuff that packs a wallop and leaves your ears ringing. The smoke not so much. Got to lube, got to.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,

Your photography of Minneapolis reminds me of Ed Ruscha's Every Building on the Sunset Strip , a staple in Conceptual art!

Dooth said...

Anon 5:51, good call:
http://www.mocp.org/collections/permanent/ruscha_ed.php

Anonymous said...

I've never riden in either place butt judging from BS's tales of his NYC riding experiences versus photos of Minneapolis, I'd have to say NYC and environs are the nightmare. High culture be damned.

Anonymous said...

My wife rides bikes and I've never heard her complain about her chain. She does complain about her gearing though - there are never enough for her. "I neeeeed an easier geeeeer!", is what I hear so the single speed belt bike with aero rims is probably not going to happen. Oh, well, I love her anyway.

3G said...

Awesome!!!

PawnShop said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your BRA today Snobbie; you'll have to return some time when it isn't windier than balls.

One question about the Lobsterism dicta. 'No shoaling', 'no salmoning', 'no racing' and 'no eating pandas' all make sense. Wasn't there a discussion some time back about 'no anonymous drafting'?

Matt said...

Good BRA, man. Living in Saint Paul, I labored mightily in the teeth of a savage gale to get to the Coffman Union, was enlightened by your wisdom, and then sailed home light of heart and tall of gear. The major disappointment of the evening was that Chick-fil-a was closed. Bastards.

Anonymous said...

'no anonymous drafting'

That's just crazy talk.

crosspalms said...

Reminds me of something I overheard on the bike path the other night. Three guys riding together passed me, one says to the others "and he was drafting some guy on a Wal-Mart bike."

crosspalms said...

I guess I'd rather Gates get non-cyclists on bikes than get non-drivers behind the wheel.

Anonymous said...

My fav: "While the Cipollini himself prepares by performing shirtless index finger warm-up exercises:"

DerZoots said...

I like that the scooter had bike style wheels.

cheva said...

Am I alone in thinking Cipo looks sort of like that House guy on TV? With a longer face.

Anonymous said...

Missed the BRA man, they moved the bookstore since I was last at the U of MN in 1990.

The bridges are killer in Mpls., most have fallen or exploded or lamed out bran'new.

Ride Lucky!

leroy said...

What, the Chick-fil-A closed and it's not even Sunday?

How do they expect you to work under these conditions?

There's only one Chick-fil-A in NYC and I think it's hidden somewhere on the NYU campus.

In many respects, we are a cultural wasteland.

I'd trade the easy availability of discount tickets to "Sister Act" for a grilled chicken sandwich, waffle fries and an iced tea any day.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up and the Cipo is gonna kick your jew ass when you get to Italy! :-P

Cipo said...

The "Three Days of Pannety" is always epic. It's like a TT, just point it in one direction and hammer down.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs. This is your funniest post in quite some time.

ce said...

"Cycling comes from the primal rhythmic pulsations of the groin," explains Cipo.

Artisanal Pain said...

Holy Shit that's fucking funny!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Antipodes panties!

Guh! said...

McIppolini?

Anonymous said...

It doesn't occur to the morons at Gates that they're being fundamentally sexist in assuming that women are more put off than men by a little grease? I mean, what gender got stuck changing diapers for god knows how long? If you can manage a diaper, a little chain schmutz is nothin'.

Billy said...

Damnit Leroy, now I'm stuck here in Boston thinking about waffle fries. Where am I going to get some of those, huh? Nowhere!

Anonymous said...

It was great to meet you, hear about your "religion", and understand the connection between Cipo, Katniss, & Obama-care. You're book is so -- timely. Hope you have happy memories of Meh-ne-apolis.
Rock on,
a wandering commuter

PS -- I think you should take your BRA to the Stephen Colbert show -- I think the two of you would hit it off. I've seen bike lanes on set and I don't think he likes salmoning either.

Troy Thiel said...

ah, Cipo...his comeback is in full form...and the ladies swoon. Loved the smirks from some of the team in the video. Thanks for the beer and the Madison ride yesterday, sorry I couldn't stay for the talk!
-old guy on colnago

sarwar said...

thank you for sharing

Anonymous said...

nice work keep it up

sarwar said...

nice work keep it up

beats earphones said...

Nike Kobe VII You finished certain okay items right now there. Used to looking about them issue and discovered a number of folks could have exactly the same viewpoint with your weblog.Nike Zoom Kobe VI

beats earphones said...

Nike Kobe VII You finished certain okay items right now there. Used to looking about them issue and discovered a number of folks could have exactly the same viewpoint with your weblog.Nike Zoom Kobe VI

Troy Thiel said...

I want to be like Super Mario

Old guy on Colnago

Troy Thiel said...

I want to be like Super Mario

Old guy on Colnago

deepsharma said...

Detector Billetes falsosI am glad that the blog owner has chosen a very interesting matter in order to spread huge knowledge among people...I would like to congratulate for this hard work to the blog owner and would like to be part of his blog by submitting comments

free videos said...

X movies watch free porn indian porn movies. and you sex tv porn movie watch now ! teen videos for you xoporntube videos.

Robert said...

Sure feels America in this post.

sonu said...

Hello.. Firstly I would like to send greetings to all readers. After this, I recognize the content so interesting about this article. For me personally I liked all the information.

Detector Billetes falsos

Jesse said...

Classic shit for a New Yorker. Gotta love the down-talking of Midwest America. "Who the hell lives there? It's so cheap to leave there."

It is.

John Clark said...



Leather Belts is very important for a group of people who want to be smart.It a must needed things when you go outside for a party or office.I use to a Leather Belts i found it from this website and it makes me feel batter.
Ladies Belts

Anonymous said...

HD kaliteli porno izle ve boşal.
Bayan porno izleme sitesi.
Bedava ve ücretsiz porno izle size gelsin.
Liseli kızların Bedava Porno ve Türbanlı ateşli hatunların sikiş filmlerini izle.
Siyah karanlık odada porno yapan evli çift.
harika Duvar Kağıtları bunlar
tamamen ithal duvar kağıdı olanlar var
2013 Beyaz Eşya modeller
Sizlere Güvenlik Sistemleri ayarliyoruz
Arayin Hırdavat bulun
Samsung Nokia İphone Cep telefonu alin.
Super Led Tv keyfi

Amatör Porno - Amcik Porno - Anal Porno - Asyali Porno - Bakire Porno - Erotik Porno - Esmer Porno - Fantazi Porno - Gay Porno - Götten Porno - Grup Porno - Hard Porno - HD Porno - Hemsire Porno - Latin Porno - Lezbiyen Porno - Liseli Porno - Olgun Porno - Oral Porno - Rokettube - Sarisin Porno - Sert Porno - Tecavüz Porno - Travesti Porno - Türbanli Porno - Türk Porno - Ünlü Porno - Yasli Porno - Zenci Porno - Kari Koca Porno - Hayvanli Porno

jimmy jam said...

will make you look like a Victorian chimney sweep if it's ridden often and never cleaned. Thank you

Official Kedaibola.com said...

Such a very useful article. Very interesting to read this article.I would like to thank you for the efforts you had made for writing this awesome article. ibcbet, agen sbobet, klik4d, agen bola, sbobet, agen bola

poly islam said...

Excellent blog you’ve got here.It’s difficult to find high-quality writing like yours nowadays. I really appreciate individuals like you! Take care!! Please check out my site.
Carbon bike wheels