Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Goodbye Minneapolis, Hello Madison!

Owing to the rigorosities of my grueling (pronounced "groo-ELLING") touring schedule, the blog post into which I am typing words at this very moment will be brief, for I have aeroplanes to catch and BRAs to unhook and no time for the adding of any additional extraneous superfluous excessive verbiage.

I also don't have the luxury of thematic tangents and meanderings and need to keep to the point, which reminds me of this time many years ago when I was at the very first Lollapalooza festival at SPAC, and I left my seat to get a falafel.  When I returned, security wouldn't let me bring the falafel back to my seat with me.  Therefore, I was forced to consume the falafel in great haste so as not to miss the plaintive squealing and rhythmic gyrations of Perry Farrell or whoever was on stage at the time.  However, in so doing, I accidentally consumed my ticket stub along with the falafel (it's easier than you'd think to eat a rain- and tahini-soaked ticket stub without noticing it), and it took a great deal of cajoling on my part to convince the security person to authorize my return.

So, right, this guy:




To cyclists everywhere, he is the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, and his ubiquitous likeness is used to promote everything from charity rides to Canadian bread:


(Fred bread)

But did you know he also has a unicycling doppelganger?  It's true, and I know this because I spotted him while wandering around Minneapolis yesterday:


By the way, it was quite a blustery day yesterday, and I should point out that he's unicycling into a pretty strong headwind:


That will probably compromise his time on Strava, or it's unicycling equivalent.

In any case, this preternaturally upright apparition in yellow has led me to advance a theory, which is this:

Somewhere in the world, each and every bicyclist has a unicycling doppelganger.

Think about it.

Immediately after experiencing this revelation, I crossed the Mississippi River:


Which was immediately familiar to me because I saw it in a movie once:



After crossing it, I descended a long staircase:



And then I kneeled at its bank and drank deeply to slake my thirst, and to experience communion with this legendary river that separates East from West:


I can't describe the spiritual sensation of imbibing the mystical waters of America's sweat rivulet, but I can describe the severe cramping, fever, and vomiting that came afterward.  Fortunately for you, I won't.  I will, however, boast about my own resiliency, for shortly thereafter I was burying my face in an enormous falafel sandwich:


I didn't eat any ticket stubs, but I am having trouble finding my cellphone.

Ultimately, this falafel was sufficient to fuel yesterday's ride, organized by Freewheel Bike Shop, as well as my BRA at the University of Minnesota Bookstore.  Thanks very much to everybody involved and all who attended, and I'm now off to Madison where I hope to see some of you here:


Wednesday, March 28
5:30pm ride
Machinery Row
601 Williamson Street
Madison, WI 53703
(608) 442-5974



7:00pm
Barnes & Noble 
7433 Mineral Point Road
Madison, WI 53717
(608) 827-0809

Yours truely,


Wildcat Rock Machine

WRM/rtms

cc: David Byrne

125 comments:

ce said...

pode?

spokefolk said...

Wow this is early....

spokefolk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

I'd like to thank my sponsor Australian Eastern Daylight Time.

Anonymous said...

top10

cpt stinkypants said...

Six

Anonymous said...

Panties.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm not even at work yet! I'm wasting personal time! Top Ten?

McFly said...

WTF

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

Somebody put brownie weed in your falafel

Anonymous said...

Falafel? I hardly know her!




balls™

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Dang! early riser on tour.

ce said...

Re: Gates Carbon Drive, Mario Cipollini says, "A bike without an oily chain is like a peach without plentiful juices to run down your chin... and over your bare nipples".

RANTWICK said...

Shwarma. No falafel. Shwarma.

Anonymous said...

16!
Good Morning.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

JB said...

What! What!?

DerZoots said...

Fooken early.
Good thing I'm unemployed and watching 3 Days of De Panne.

Awesooome!!!!

mikeweb said...

*Yawn*, "What?"

mikeweb said...

I've never seen a bear ride a unicycle before, except that one time at the circus, and that one was wearing a skirt.

I believe the unicycling version of Strava is Strva.

Anonymous said...

22

streepo said...

I falafel about you eating your ticket stub.

scranus

Marcel Da Chump said...

Try some of that famous Wisconsin cheese.

JB said...

29er unicycle? Pfft. The acceleration must be terrible.

Billy said...

Wait, the Mississippi river starts in Minnesota? Why isn't it the Minnesota river, then? Weird.

Anyway, the good parts of the Mississippi river are way further south. Up there it looks like any old river, narrow and windy.

Thanks for the extra words this morning on your travels!

Anonymous said...

wouldn't you need 2 unicycle doppelgangers for every bicyclist? or is that where the 'dopple' part of doppelganger comes into play?

The Douche' of Earl said...

cycle jerk ...

Just like a circle jerk but everyone is stradling carbon, has bibs on and is wearing a helmet.

D.D.S. cycle jerk ...

same as above excepting rides must cost +$6,ooo.

crosspalms said...

Every time I see a wheel-less frame locked to a rack I know the doppelgang has struck again.

Enjoy Madison!

Lady Gaga said...

Nipple

David Byrne's publicist said...

WCRM,

For future reference, Mr. Byrne prefers to be bcc-ed.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Anonymous said...

Lame! I have to work at Concourse Hotel at 6:00 PM or I would come ride with you guys at 5:30...
-Cody

Matt said...

Actually, there is a Minnesota River, and it joins the Mississippi here in the Cities, where it delivers a massive load of silt, nitrogen and post-emergent herbicides to the Father of Waters. Had Snob slaked his thirst downstream about five miles he would never had to worry about his pesky chickweed problem again and his scraggly beard would have grown thick, lush and green.

Doug said...

Are epic falafel stories the East coastie's version of epic burrito fables?

zoomer said...

Scranus! It's so early I falafel. Yaaaawn, oh and Weed Panties.

le Correcteur said...

36th? Ouch!

Anonymous said...

No Epic videos of the ride or bra?

Again, I must insist,return my "tariff" post hast!

Bill Smith said...

cc: David Byrne

Ha!

Anonymous said...

@ JB: That's actually a 36" uni and one can easily travel at least Fred-speed on a 36. @mikeweb: It is not a bear either. His name is Max D. and TCUC (http://www.tcuc.org/)is one of the best clubs in the US with world ranked riders. Don't dis the uni 'till you can do it yourself and then say "Meh".

Andrew said...

You only saw "National Lampoon's Vacation" ONCE???

Anonymous said...

"world ranked riders"

Forgive my ignorance. How are unicycle riders ranked?

Are there races? Skills contests? Style points?
Juggling? Best makeup? I'm slipping into irreverence here, help.

Anonymous said...

As snobby leaves the one train town of Mpls (pronounced Mipples) we wish him good luck in cheeseland.

-your Minnesota well wishers.

David Byrne said...

Thanks for the CC Snob, but where can I park my Hummer H1?

Anonymous said...

You are missing the great bicyle show at the Art Directors Club on 29th between 6th and 7th. All kinds of bike porn to smell and taste!

CommieCanuck said...

Forgive my ignorance. How are unicycle riders ranked?

Thank you for your question. Unicycle riders are ranked by the length of the scrape or scab on their scranus.

CommieCanuck said...

"You only saw "National Lampoon's Vacation" ONCE?"

It loops through my mind 24/7. That's how I roll.

CommieCanuck said...

This makes one day in a row with no boobie video links on BSNYC. I don't like this trend.

g-roc said...

If this was twitter, you could have just said "eating a falafel". Plus, you'd know where your phone was. But then, who'd want to read that?

Paul Bowen said...

That's some nice looking falafel.

Anonymous said...

@ Anon 12:26: To be ranked they actually compete. The next international competition is UNICON XVI (http://www.unicon16.it/). No juggling is involved. Riders compete in many different skills. Unicyclists are "cyclists" in their own ability and dislike the "C" word (where make up might be useful).

Paul Bowen said...

tcuc's video with Jamie Cullum is must-see.

www.tcuc.org

misster-PISSTA said...

my unicycle is like my fixed gear WITHOUT the training wheel..

Anonymous said...

www.tcuc.org

Ok. I am on it!

Ignorance fading...

Ok. That video has confirmed my suspicions. Thanks for that.

Red satin sashes. Tuxedo pants.

The site mentions races. Would someone post a link to a unicycle racing vid?

I'm imagining an epic bunch sprint.

Anonymous said...

How many of you have gone to a Snob BRA and introduced yourself to the man as "Anonymous"?

I don't want to be unoriginal when I present myself.

Hungry Panda said...

That is not the minneapolis river, or even the Mississippi, it is the Big Skanky, and you are really in Brooklyn. You are only having a dream.

Anonymous said...

@Anon 12:51 Max Schulze current world trials champion (http://vimeo.com/13113979) Unicon XV flatland finals (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TfEhZjoEFM) Racing is much harder to video and usually only the shorter distances have "sprints"

McFly said...

He meant World Rank Riders. The unicycle is to cycling what the tadpole is to the mighty bullfrog. If they made something more efficient and faster and still human powered(bicycle evolution level 201) I would ditch the "roadbike" and ride that new better contraption. ONEW HEEL

Buzz Buzzzworthy said...

eaf* dudes




*"eating a falafel".

Anonymous said...

Has anyone built a unicycle with a Rolloff? That'd be so cool.

Anonymous said...

There are 2 speed hubs that allow a 1.5x multiplier. so a 36" wheel becomes effectively a 42". The fast riders ride these in the longer "unlimited" class races (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJCSrxESxVU)

Rick said...

hey ce (@8:53 and 8:57)
If you are working on Australian time, that would be ANTI-pode.

Billy said...

@Anon:

This is *bike* snob, not unicycle clown-snob. I've learned way too much about unicycling for one day.

Anonymous said...

Paul Bowen 12:43

...big piece of potato!

farve said...

On to that bastion of liberal idiocy, the equivalent of fredville USA, madison wisconsin.

Anonymous said...

Snobbie started it with his photo. BTW Clown is the "C" word

Buffalo Bill said...

As my brother, Beaver Bill always used to say, when he said anything at all, 'giardia is a biatch, dude'.

Anonymous said...

FRED BRED

Cipo said...

eating pussy

bikesgonewild said...

...retro tri-dork fred sez "no loafing..."...

bikesgonewild said...

...wow...all the world's unicyclists are getting their 7 1/2 minutes of fame...

McFly said...

Wathcing a bunch sprint of uni's would be like trainwreck syndrome....it's hideous and awkward, yet I cannot look away.....

bikesgonewild said...

...i actually prefer clowns on unicycles...

...that way i know they're being paid to be goofy...

leroy said...

Like wow, dude, I can so not get my head around the idea that like the Canadians have a picture of that bicycle riding guy on their bread.

Now what am I supposed to do with the special edition Euros with Rob Ford's picture on them that CommieCanuck swore to me was Canadaian money?

My dog says it's my own fault. I should have known that no one prints cash with the motto "If it rains, take the subway I haven't built."

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but I can ride a unicycle, juggle and recite "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

The part worth bragging about is that I don't.

Poppa Wheelie said...

Cipo likes a nice ripe peach!

Anonymous said...

I have a doppelganger in my panties.

BoringCommenter said...

This post has lead me to discover that yes Virginia, there are recumbent unicycles.

don the cyclist said...

hungry now.

bikesgonewild said...

...i can't ride a unicycle or juggle but i have seen "in-a-gadda-da-vida" performed live...

...iron butterfly were no led zeppelin, believe me...

...just sayin'...

Cadel said...

I really hate being bi-polar because it's sooOOOO AWESOME!!

some jerk from the East Bay said...

Hey, I looked at your book in a shop yesterday. Looks good, no kidding. I didn't buy it, but I might. I bought your other one though, so don't get uptight if I read the new one at the library instead.

grog said...

no stickers.
got frowns.
no boobie vid.
got clowns.

Jimbo said...

A Fred on a unicycle is a Larry.

Anonymous said...

say hello to lenny and squiggy while you're there and try the fried cheese curds.

mikeweb said...

I heard a rumor that Cipo can ride a unicycle, juggle, recite "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" and eat a juicy peach, or pussy.

He wanted to join TCUC, but they denied him on the grounds that his naked-only unicycling policy wasn't protected under the 1st amendment. Or the 2nd amendment. Plus they decided that his custom designed unicycle seat looked too much like a big vulva, though he insists the resemblance is only coincidental.

bikesgonewild said...

...'eat a peach' - allman brothers, 1972...

...but the allman brothers were no mario cippolini...

Billy said...

Too young to have seen Led Zeppelin live, but I have watched "The Sound Remains The Same". I can really only remember the manager yelling in his awesome English accent at a dude for selling unauthorized merchandise, Robert Plant on a white horse, and Robert Plant with jeans to tight they looked like they would burst.

Does Iron Butterfly fail to measure up because they have insufficiently tight pants? Or no horses? Or no yelling, sweaty band managers?

Cipo would've said...

'cuz the man out there

might be your man

I don't know

Detective McCleod 'Duche' Baggge said...

edible panties ...

Flavour; mango & free range organic clit juices and squeez'ins

Anonymous said...

Unicycle or Un I cycle.
You decide.

7 1/2 minutes of fame...

Nothing But Net, BGW!
Booya...

McFly said...

Billy,
You need to read "Hammer of the Gods".

bikesgonewild said...

...when all the baggage has been tossed & all the hyperbole burned to the ground, led zeppelin still stands tall...

...that's all i'm sayin'...

CommieCanuck said...

LeRoy, hang onto that money, Mitt Romney will be in charge soon.

wishiwasmerckx said...

No argument about the iconic status of Led Zeppelin, but "The Song Remains the Same" is unquestionably on of the top 5 worst cinematic experiences I have ever had the misfortune to witness.

It is the "Ishtar" of the concert film genre.

Anonymous said...

Greg Alman drank Sonny Bonos peach flavored milk shake.

Quilled and Lugged said...

wiwm - I have a soft spot for TSRTS myself, having first seen it at the impressionable age of 11...I could totally buy into the cod-Tolkein and all that at that age. But the other DVD of Led Zeppelin that is out kicks some serious butt. Billy, the word is mojo. Or sex. Or both.
BTW, just saw my first 'One Less Fixie' sticker - on a folding bike.
Bay Area, don'tcha just love it?

Red Sash said...

Hehe, unicycle lead-out for the ton up.

Red Sash said...

Anyone drafting here?

Red Sash said...

Pulling off 200 yards to go

Red Sash said...

Coasting through then

ken e. said...

uhh... 11!

bikesgonewild said...

...i could tell you a story about how duane allman's girlfriend 'graced' bgw's presence, ohhh so many years ago, down in the city of lost angels, back when the band was still called 'allman joy' but honestly, that just wouldn't be nice...

...besides...as good as they were (& she was) they were no led zeppelin...

jwm said...

CCing David Byrne and passing up Milwaukee on the way to Chi-town? tsk-tsk.

JDH said...

@BGW, Cher?! Or do I have the wrong time frame?

bikesgonewild said...

...nah, cher was greg's chick many years later...

...i had no idea who the band was 'cuz nobody knew 'em yet & i had no idea what was up but i turned out to be 'the surrogate - the ringer' when ol' duane was spending all his time in the studio...

...look at my avatar photo & compare it to an early one of duane allman...

...all i knew was a beautiful, friendly blonde girl took me by the hand, said "smoke this & come with me..."...i did...

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to eat some cheese curds while you're in WI.

Home Theater Systems said...

I am a big fan of this place Minneapolis and would like to be part of it as it is very happening place.

Anonymous said...

No falafel. Klavkalash. Klavkalash. No mountain dew. Only crzb juice.

Anonymous said...

*Crab* (doh!). By the way, long time reader, first time posting. Howdy folks! :)

McFly said...

BGW,
I once got drunk with the drummer from RATT. Your story is much, much, much better than mine......as usual.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

The Allman Brothers are the only reason my teenage self liked "Southern" Rock at all. Then came Lynrd Skynrd and the rest of 'em. Blech! Even The Allmans, after Duane died, are pretty hard to listen to for more than a couple songs.

Led Zeppelin on the other hand, I could listen to alllll day long.

Anonymous said...

Be that as it might, "Statesboro Blues" is one of the best live recordings of any rock song in the entire history of forerver. "I'm going to the country, baby do you wanna go? If you can't make it darlin', yo sister Lucille say she wanna go."

Anonymous said...

See go rhymes with go...lyrical geniuseseseseses.

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ce said...

Rick 1:33, I hereby claim comment 115 as the Antipodean Antipodium!

Anonymous said...

Hi WCRM,
Fred from Planet Tridork has been striking again:

http://news.decathlon.de/decathlon/2011_Trocathlon/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/HG-1.jpg

Have fun!

A Brompton rider

cramitsucko said...

Sharting scranal monkey balls.

cramitsucko said...

Sharting scranal monkey balls.

Central park bike tours said...

I was surprised that you were OK after drinking the water from the river. Then came the next sentence and all became clear:)
Hope you enjoyed the ticket-free falafel:))

mzp said...

Since there is a Madison related post I want to put this here. Tonight I may have witnessed the beginning of a new cycle related trend: Seatless riding! No seat, seatpost or anything. Either that, or it was an isolated emergency situation.

SC said...

The Seinfeld episode in which Elaine is in the Bizarro World: where Jerry had his bicycle hanging on the wall, Kevin had a unicycle.

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Robert said...

Love that movie.

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