I locate and repossess stolen bikes. Email today to get your bike back - $99 (In Thieves Faces)
Date: 2012-03-15, 8:50AM CDT
Reply to: [deleted]
Hi, I am sorry to hear that your baby has been stolen and I'm willing to help you find and repossess your bike for a fee. The more information you can provide me with will increase the chances of getting your bike back. How fast you respond is crucial as well. If your bike was stolen over a weekend then don't wait until Monday morning to report it to me.
Most locks have protection plans and if you keep the receipt for for bike you can get reimbursed. If you have a highly customized bike it is much more difficult to get reimbursed.
My service is like a personal investigator for bike theft. We know the city can't do much because there are much more serious crimes being committed. In response I am willing to help find the thief that stole your bike. I conduct and interview and gather any information I can about the bike and try to establish a timeline in order to figure out where the bike is and how to get it back. This can be a process that can be easy if thieves are not crafty, but can be more difficult if the criminals work in teams . Either way I can find out where it is or how you can get it back and only ask that you buy me a coffee during our interview. There are no guarantees that I can get it back, but if I an determine who is stealing bikes in an area than the crime will stop. Most importantly we'll be sending a message to the thieves that we are not taking it lying down. The more often people are nonchalant about bike theft, the more it will occur with out slowing.
Thanks for your time. I hope to help you locate and get your bike back. Namaste.
Also, this self-styled bike-specific private investigator was thoughtful enough to include a picture of himself:
It's life imitating art imitating life imitating art.
In any case, I contacted him immediately because I've been looking all over for my own stolen bike:
(Forwarded by a reader.)
It's laterally inverted and vertically castrating, and the thief should be easy to identify since his crotch will look like he tried to do some "manscaping" with a lawn edger.
Meanwhile, recently I also mentioned militaristic cycling as an alternative to vehicular cycling:
As it turns out, this approach isn't just for the Lycra set, and another reader informs me that militaristic cycling is compatible with "cycle chic" as well:
I strongly believe that it's images like these of people riding happily with weapons that will finally result in mainstream acceptance for cycling in America. This is because when we're introduced to any new activity we're naturally skeptical, and our first question is always, "Yeah, but can I do it with guns?". After all, our right to bear arms was handed down to us by God, and if He didn't want us to carry guns then He wouldn't have drafted the Second Amendment. He also wouldn't have invented the handlebar-mounted gun rack:
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a typical day in France.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride happy.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Mark Cavendish smirking as "Li'l Cav" gets an audience with the Queen.)
1) According to Mark Cavendish, why is Milan-San Remo like an opera?
--"There's a beginning part, a middle part, and an end."
--"It ain't over until the fat lady sings."
--"It's really long and really boring and I don't understand any of it."
--"Mario Cipollini likes to watch it naked while eating prosciutto."
(Fore! Unleash your inner golfer with Rapha's new Fred flippers.)
2) Rapha's new $450 shoe is made of:
--A proprietary upper called "Raphite" that smells of crotch and hibiscus
3) Rapha is also introducing this smart new $250 cycling hat.
4) Technically, the correct name for Fredboarding is:
5) What is this rider doing?
--Launching his twin "butt rockets"
--Giving the humble people of a small African nation a much-needed lesson in douchery
--All of the above
6) Why is is this goat nonplussed?
--It is riding a computrainer
--It just ate a Diet Coke can instead of a regular Coke can
--It is being forced to live in urban San Francisco like a common hipster
--It is about to become a Rapha shoe
("Git back here with them feet!")
7) Yak leather contains residual pheromones that can cause bovines to attempt to mate with your feet.
***Special Vehicular Cycling-Themed Bonus Question***
(Vehicular squatting: because benches are a conspiracy designed to make us forfeit our right to the sidewalks.)
If you want to be a vehicular cyclist, the first thing you should probably do is get yourself:
--A full-face helment
--A pair of rear-view mirrors
--A DayGlo jumpsuit
--A recumbent trike